tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-49397992951164839172024-03-19T02:23:31.397-07:00gimme that rose!JulientKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11155222436883944609noreply@blogger.comBlogger66125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4939799295116483917.post-62241616470141823452017-01-25T11:44:00.001-07:002017-01-25T11:44:16.181-07:00The Bachelor Recap: "Miss Proper" Lives for a Day<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyw_BU7-0ZOLmPkigwW56D2EvUle8Y5NsiSuCzTFzKgxvnOQskWaeIqUgGWl7USgWfOCGqVf-tbVW4y36QCB0zu2zd6WSAANLwGaoUpUQMVOgf3yifNSZphDlf6nH9OxM-A5xjHS6a9mJi/s1600/NickBachelor.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyw_BU7-0ZOLmPkigwW56D2EvUle8Y5NsiSuCzTFzKgxvnOQskWaeIqUgGWl7USgWfOCGqVf-tbVW4y36QCB0zu2zd6WSAANLwGaoUpUQMVOgf3yifNSZphDlf6nH9OxM-A5xjHS6a9mJi/s320/NickBachelor.jpg" width="320" /></span></a><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Welcome back, Rose Enthusiasts! After a short break last week, I am back to update you on the increasingly dramatic shenanigans on The Bachelor! And honestly, I know we are supposed to hate Corinne, but dang it if she isn't the most entertaining thing to come out of this franchise since Ashley Onion. She can't be lasting more than another week, but it has been a great ride, no? </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In case you forgot. </span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We pick up at last week's pool party directly after our Queen (HAIL!) Vanessa tells Nick that she is "judging his actions" after he allowed Corinne to straddle him in the bouncy castle and that if she is expecting him to "shake her t***" at him, then she's going to give back the rose. Nick, on the other hand, begs her to be patient while he sows the rest of his wild oats, especially in regards to Corinne. Whether this is because he knows how valuable she is to the show or if he's just not through, um, exploring her, we aren't sure. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">While all this is going on, the "ladies" are sitting in a circle, discussing how best to approach this turn of events. "I *clap* just *clap* want *clap* to *clap* know *clap* what *clap* is *clap* going*clap* on!" exclaims Jasmine, and the other women heartily join in. Taylor and Sarah, however, decide to confront Corinne mid-nap, which is about as productive as one would expect. Corinne says "You do you. Imma do me." She has a bunch of haters here, y'all. Even though the "ladies" are optimistic that their concerns being voiced to Nick are enough to get Corinne a one-way ticket on the Alone Train to Alonesville, guess who gets a rose??</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The rest of the roll call includes</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Raven</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Taylor</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Whitney (who?)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Kristina (seriously, who is this?)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Jasmine</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Alexis</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Astrid</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Danielle</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Jaimi</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Josephine</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sarah</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjk720OTv4t_7-U7awDoBkEknACie82Kl4Tm-3lVY0xWFkGjr1k9cloL6TfWM31WAc5FsXUbLipmV6nOiRijCW63s6SL9A7wnbBmAPoP3XrQokLcsOKd2_beAVtOLnmfsfjI5ojKVrVLspQ/s1600/sideyeedit.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjk720OTv4t_7-U7awDoBkEknACie82Kl4Tm-3lVY0xWFkGjr1k9cloL6TfWM31WAc5FsXUbLipmV6nOiRijCW63s6SL9A7wnbBmAPoP3XrQokLcsOKd2_beAVtOLnmfsfjI5ojKVrVLspQ/s1600/sideyeedit.PNG" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">See you in July, Christen! </span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So, we bid a fond (?) farewell until Paradise to Christen, who doesn't even deign to say goodbye to Nick on her way out, instead gives him this epic side-eye. Brittany too, is sent packing. Bye "ladies", we hardly knew ye! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Come and get it Nick!" says Corinne at the post-Rose Ceremony toast, and grabs her boobs knowingly.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The next day, Harrison arrives at the house and announces that they will be traveling to Milwaukee, which I'm convinced none of the "ladies" know is in the United States, because I cannot figure out why they would be so excited to go there. But, excited they are, and we see them arrive in the lush paradise that is Nick's hometown, Waukesha, WI!</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieDIK8eSsGjCuo8gtKmxNcrr6hU3AKguCq8v83y2W-A-JWGA0Z7eakjV7lf9sbWwQuYQEnaizJxWKnoXuMlz_8c0-bvVsddc7Z-8S3lbevB2BbApkjoPYvVvk1F-31WmDqPqu2i8EJF2Wj/s1600/poormary.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieDIK8eSsGjCuo8gtKmxNcrr6hU3AKguCq8v83y2W-A-JWGA0Z7eakjV7lf9sbWwQuYQEnaizJxWKnoXuMlz_8c0-bvVsddc7Z-8S3lbevB2BbApkjoPYvVvk1F-31WmDqPqu2i8EJF2Wj/s200/poormary.PNG" width="158" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"I suppose having 10/11 <br />children not on reality TV is a win, right?"</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Once we arrive, we get to see the most beleaguered parents in America, Chris and Mary Viall! Nick attempts to reassure his parents that he isn't messing around that that he's ready to find the one. Nick's mom cries, wondering where she went wrong with her second-born, and Nick's dad takes a firm hand with his son, and says, "We never want to see you on this show again." Neither do we, Nick. Neither do we.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Danielle L, winner of last week's awkward middle school dance to the Backstreet Boys, will be receiving the first one-on-one this week, and they will be walking around Nick's hometown, hanging out. If I were Danielle, I'd feel cheated. No fireworks? No yacht? No helicopter? Lame! The two of them are enjoying time at a bakery, decorating cookies, and making out while licking frosting off of each other's fingers. And, so weird, after they leave, one of Nick's exes just HAPPENS to be sitting, all mic'd and ready to go in a very clear front window of a random coffee shop. So, of course, we have to stop and talk to her, so she can help with Nick's image rehab! Thanks for your help, Amber, enjoy your coffee and decent life choices.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTLRBYgtejt0zoIbIfQTBacdLcF321Q5IwXlQ0sjynxra553VKr5dQMexCAB-iXIGsF54XqsXNnpirvSBRkmivX4wvxayN61IAOkZr07qX-0tL0RjkEok2YF1IKNpTMpHFPKijxwjy-ujf/s1600/boobsmgee1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTLRBYgtejt0zoIbIfQTBacdLcF321Q5IwXlQ0sjynxra553VKr5dQMexCAB-iXIGsF54XqsXNnpirvSBRkmivX4wvxayN61IAOkZr07qX-0tL0RjkEok2YF1IKNpTMpHFPKijxwjy-ujf/s1600/boobsmgee1.jpg" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Nick and Danielle then take a stroll to a local park, where they discuss their pasts and may or may not make out in the very spot where Nick lost his virginity! How romantic. Later, they meet up at a bar, and WHAT IN THE ACTUAL HECK is she wearing? Is that toilet paper attached to her skirt? After Nick goes through some hard-hitting questions, ("When's the last time you shopped in sweat pants?"), Danielle shares about her parents' divorce, and based on his questions, Nick appears mystified that the divorce has affected her dating perspective. But, emotional baggage aside, she's got a nice set of boobs, so of course, Danielle is getting the rose! And cue private concert with more public stage dancing.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Back at the hotel, the group date card is here! In attendance for this date will be: </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Rachel</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Alexis</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Vanessa</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Jasmine</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sarah</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Whitney</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Jaimi</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Kristina</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Astrid</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Taylor</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Josephine</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Danielle L</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">and...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Corinne! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Say cheese!" says the card, which, anyone familiar with Wisconsin knows means this is a d</span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">airy farm date, which you know has been specifically organized to see Corinne do something besides nap, and I am ALL ABOUT IT. "It smells like cows and nature," says Astrid when they arrive. Corinne is is beside herself. She just wants to be in a spa being fed a nice taco, y'all. </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Clearly I do this all the time."</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So we get to the farm, and Nick is feeding a baby cow (image rehab #2 for this episode), and announces that today we will be doing some farm chores! Ok, let's get real a second. They didn't even make the women go to a farm and do chores on Farmer Chris's season (or did they? I can't remember) and he ACTUALLY LIVES ON A FARM. Is it not enough that we are pretending that Nick has a job outside social media and doesn't live in LA? We have to pretend that he's feeding farm animals in his real life? Get real, Team Bachelor. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anyway, most of the women gamely participate in the manual labor, but Corinne declares that she wouldn't even make her nanny Raquel do farm chores (<a href="https://www.gofundme.com/freeraquel2k17">#freeraquel</a>). She's better than that. How could this date get any less romantic? Well, you wondered too soon, Corinne! You're shoveling poop next! "Thank God I didn't wear designer today. I need sushi." she says. Cue a bunch of actual s*** vs. bulls*** metaphors from the women, and Corinne sitting out due to "poor circulation" in her hands. Another fun fact discovered during this part of the date is that Nick is not great at milking a cow, which leads Jaimi (who turns out to be a talented, um, milker?) to be disappointed in how he "handles those teats," and I subsequently threw up in my mouth a little. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Cocktail hour on the date starts with Kristina, who offers to tell more of her story, which Nick declines in favor of some quality tongue-time. Nicely done, man. In the meantime, Corinne has gotten the idea that the other women don't like her, and it might be because she overheard all of them saying that they don't like her. But don't worry everyone, Corinne is strong, and she can take this "abuse." She's not immature. In fact, because we're in the Midwest, she even uses a corn metaphor to describe how mature she is. It's topical <i>and</i> effective! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Do you find this immature? I'm a corn husk. Underneath I am juicy, buttery, corn." </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigC5Fs-ahG12NExAt5_njUwuI9vKvbBjDR9k0rmoz0QB5vogurbZD3URnmk9OjyuuNt3SUNXknrrGa4GGgEfYXF5f2H_YSJHfwSS-wqhZAKYHAbhyk561eTHncW7DpYYAOQnG-mPhitwyN/s1600/rushmore.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="125" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigC5Fs-ahG12NExAt5_njUwuI9vKvbBjDR9k0rmoz0QB5vogurbZD3URnmk9OjyuuNt3SUNXknrrGa4GGgEfYXF5f2H_YSJHfwSS-wqhZAKYHAbhyk561eTHncW7DpYYAOQnG-mPhitwyN/s200/rushmore.PNG" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yeeeeeeeah. So. </span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Corinne decides it's time to face this problem head on, and invites any of the "ladies" who have problems with her to confront her to her face. This leads Sarah to ask her if she is "ready to marry a 36-year-old man" and Taylor to wonder how she slept through that rose ceremony that one time. But don't worry, everyone. Abraham Lincoln took naps, and Michael Jordan took naps, so Corinne is in excellent company there. Or so she says. Anyway, they are fighting for a fiance, not a pickle (so many comments here), so Corinne has decided that it's time to leave this "disrespectful" conversation and go talk to Nick. The conversation ends well, albiet, without kissing, but Corinne is satisfied nonetheless. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But, because Nick wants to live to see tomorrow, Kristina ends up with the date rose! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Meanwhile, Raven's date card has arrived. "Let's kick it." And even though Raven thinks that means they're playing baseball (Oh, honey...) </span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Raven and Nick will be watching Nick's little sister Bella's soccer game! Aww! This means that Raven gets some quality time with Chris and Mary, who seem tolerant of having to participate in this date. After cheering Bella from the sidelines, the date picks up at a local roller rink, where Nick and Raven will be skating with Bella and her soccer team! How sweet! After a circle round to "Kiss Me," we see Nick and Raven seated at a nice table of wine, and we get to hear some graphic details of Raven's ex's infidelity, and it is revealed that she beat her ex with a stiletto when she walked in on him with another woman. Nick is either impressed at her strength or terrified that it might happen to him, so Raven gets the rose.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It's cocktail party time, we begin on a tense note, with Taylor, already over the dang edge re: Corinne, getting angry at Danielle L, by "stealing" Nick first. She has a rose, so how dare she, I guess? Anywho, Taylor is off to make sure she gets her time. We see her ultimately successful in sending Danielle back to the wine (and whine) circle, but we see none of her conversation with Nick because, Corinne is enjoying some chicken nuggets with Josephine (gotta soak up that wine!) and is discussing how fake Taylor is, and we cannot miss that. Corinne decides that now is the best time to "rip Taylor a new one!" </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The two confront each other by a fire, and Taylor starts using some really big words and Corinne just cannot take it. "She is a nasty, fake, b****" she concludes at the end of their argument, which goes something like "You're fake" "You're stupid." "No you're stupid" "You're an emotional infant" etc. Corinne cannot believe she is being treated as such. <strike>Her father</strike> She runs an multi-million dollar company after all. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And, look what time it is? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">TO BE CONTINUED!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Until next week everyone! Let me know if you find the magical taco spa before then. I want to go to there. </span><br />
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<br />JulientKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11155222436883944609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4939799295116483917.post-11790375159941788682017-01-12T07:37:00.000-07:002017-01-12T11:21:22.456-07:00The Bachelor Recap: Hold me Tight<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuNJq90mIgCR4nIvzaWa10oj9n00hn53QCUw58cBKMhF5D_H0ZP7LTZB8bbOocyljPK-s_CfCHZqRyFRWHPVqVQMRsRxU_KqxC5Zz7jPFLzS87oNOrRAIJxV2rp-lHHf0wCPMrlgcw2lHe/s1600/NickBachelor.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuNJq90mIgCR4nIvzaWa10oj9n00hn53QCUw58cBKMhF5D_H0ZP7LTZB8bbOocyljPK-s_CfCHZqRyFRWHPVqVQMRsRxU_KqxC5Zz7jPFLzS87oNOrRAIJxV2rp-lHHf0wCPMrlgcw2lHe/s320/NickBachelor.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Welcome back, Rose Enthusiasts! It's three hours after the last Rose Ceremony, and it is time for the first real week of competition! Chris Harrison is in the house, and after the prerequisite "I am so glad that I got to meet Nick. He is sooooo special. I'm so lonely, let's get on with this" comments from the "ladies," we are ready for our first group date! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The card reads "Always a Bridesmaid..." and the chosen few for today's group humiliation are:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Corrine</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Vanessa</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Sarah</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Alexis</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Hailey</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Lacey</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Brittany</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Jasmine</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Raven</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Danielle L</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Elizabeth W</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Taylor</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Last week's kissing machine Corrine is really excited that her name was first on the date card ("It's better than number two! Or going number two!" she declares) and reveals that she has "never been a bridesmaid," which surprises no one. The other girls also seem to be unfamiliar with the saying, but hope that since Nick has never been a groom, and they have never been a bride, they can all experience this for the first time together! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">At this point, we finally see Nick, who has been conspicuously absent from the first ten minutes of the episode, despite that he is apparently the "lead." I guess when you're trying to give someone a good edit, the less they say the better! Nick says last night was incredible, and he is so glad that everyone is willing to give him a chance despite his dating past, which translates to, "still don't know what I'm doing here, but the plethora of available, emotionally damaged women at my disposal for no discernible reason is not to be taken for granted."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When the "ladies" arrive for the date, Dolphin Devotee Alexis reintroduces herself to Nick, who checks out her body, as it wasn't on display last night, and approves. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgq5LHlWcYTqzEe_CGwD29ojwxePkmKWUrXolRIDeFzOnxJK91Hc2WzVcFnhJtxATaMVkhsQj-OJpLLzMt0aADvs11uLMhWTFutA0IM3XfOt6MO7u3ws-ffN7rvAEA9n3x1ggkaKDj5mwj2/s1600/franco.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgq5LHlWcYTqzEe_CGwD29ojwxePkmKWUrXolRIDeFzOnxJK91Hc2WzVcFnhJtxATaMVkhsQj-OJpLLzMt0aADvs11uLMhWTFutA0IM3XfOt6MO7u3ws-ffN7rvAEA9n3x1ggkaKDj5mwj2/s200/franco.PNG" width="152" /></span></a><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">A photographer, Franco LaCosta (whoever that is), has arrived, and begins to hand out various wedding dresses and other wedding attire to the "ladies," because we are taking themed wedding photos for today's activity! "Nothing is more appropriate for a first date," says Nick. I would have paid more attention to what the dresses were specifically, except this guy was wearing an ensemble that would make Freddy Mercury jealous. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Anyway, after the producer faves have been handed wedding dresses for various themes (elopement, biker, shotgun, 1980s, etc.) and the soon-to-be-eliminated warm bodies are handed coordinating bridesmaid dresses, it is revealed that whoever has the most arbitrarily judged chemistry with Nick during the photo shoot is going to win a surprise that everyone already knows is more time with Nick, so high stakes I guess. Everyone seems to be thrilled with their assignments except poor Brittany, who was assigned "Adam and Eve" wedding, and will be wearing this: </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZzv6vJsf9CInbo60iYk1tg_lwtvTqgyGa3znoL7SbjN1QuMbbddgF4ITJKNqSQckT_aHQ3-8PpY13h3eZ00CdA6v_zrszwp9oBF53kxNv6XC1f8dzJ2IEmM7IR-hYYYAK3lSMJYOv22Mc/s1600/bikini.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="312" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZzv6vJsf9CInbo60iYk1tg_lwtvTqgyGa3znoL7SbjN1QuMbbddgF4ITJKNqSQckT_aHQ3-8PpY13h3eZ00CdA6v_zrszwp9oBF53kxNv6XC1f8dzJ2IEmM7IR-hYYYAK3lSMJYOv22Mc/s320/bikini.PNG" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">If you're wondering why you can't see a top, it's because there isn't one. Adam and Eve had no use for nip covers in the garden, and neither do those masters of taste, Team Bachelor. This does not set well with Corrine, who had previously been content with her bikini top and sarong beach ensemble, and becomes DISTRESSED at the idea that someone else may have fewer clothes on than she does. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxET9jWqS6Z-iSH7WaSUzBRxAr44E0ZPWdctjCImY_NCmtwQ66N30CLPo1SxTIOzYRTLKrbka63YbuR_ODaFrwmcv308EpAuNu6VOmAkLLW8RXG3Mtku-Toq8cM3UaJ99cY0HOkT-Cz-cB/s1600/corrine1.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="189" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxET9jWqS6Z-iSH7WaSUzBRxAr44E0ZPWdctjCImY_NCmtwQ66N30CLPo1SxTIOzYRTLKrbka63YbuR_ODaFrwmcv308EpAuNu6VOmAkLLW8RXG3Mtku-Toq8cM3UaJ99cY0HOkT-Cz-cB/s320/corrine1.PNG" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<a href="https://img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/2017-01/10/14/asset/buzzfeed-prod-fastlane-02/anigif_sub-buzz-10713-1484077041-2.gif?no-auto" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="179" src="https://img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/2017-01/10/14/asset/buzzfeed-prod-fastlane-02/anigif_sub-buzz-10713-1484077041-2.gif?no-auto" width="320" /></span></a><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">As the shoot goes on and the other girls applaud Brittany for being a good sport in what is obviously a cruel mind game, Corrine escalates the Crazy/Hot scale, and decides to take matters into her own hands! Or in this case, Nick's. During her photo shoot, Corrine decides that Nick needs to feel the more "Corrine side of Corrine" which means BOOBIES! And so, as we all do when we are feeling insecure about the man we just met, Corrine wastes no time removing her top, and practically commanding Nick to "Janet Jackson" her "bare bosoms." With all the talk about consent in the media, maybe they needed to give Corrine information that it works both ways. But, whatever, she's pretty pleased with herself. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_wFkjOFv4j0W4V8H-0HROQmo95E7yOCbzZbSA153BLdmNDS1f1ERr8NicdTTf3DgunPfJvbsIat2vH9WKezuDyFNdV4qmnsnYojnzma1HFNawioY_Wcl120WsserocD21WYbMHlXtoS16/s1600/corrine2.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="191" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_wFkjOFv4j0W4V8H-0HROQmo95E7yOCbzZbSA153BLdmNDS1f1ERr8NicdTTf3DgunPfJvbsIat2vH9WKezuDyFNdV4qmnsnYojnzma1HFNawioY_Wcl120WsserocD21WYbMHlXtoS16/s320/corrine2.PNG" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And win she does, because Franco is kind of a perv. We don't see any more of their extra special one-on-one time, but I'm sure it was full of meaningful conversation. By the time the evening cocktail party begins, Corrine is wasted. She is very confident though, because Nick held her boobs today. Like held her boobs! Naturally, this leaves the other girls in an awkward position. Does Nick like girls that are aggressive or not? "Is the way to snag him to pop out your t**s at any moment?" wonders Guns-and-Jesus Raven. "Is everything I've heard about him true?" No comment. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We find out during Raven's alone time with Nick that she once had a boyfriend cheat on her, and that she seems to be only "attracted to a**holes. No offense." Nick walks away from this encounter feeling positive, and thinks Raven has an "attractive personality." Whatever, I guess. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Next up for one-on-one time is Dolphin Shark Alexis, and she no sooner gets the words "Seacaucus, New Jersey" out of her mouth and Corrine is back for what is sure to be more special fun time with Nick! This unsurprisingly does not go over well with the other women, who begin shooting some major side-eye and hate her way. Corrine is unfazed at their displeasure though, "Get used to it!" she exclaims, when the others suggest that her behavior might be discourteous. </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Taylor be like..</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It's Taylor's turn to sit down with Nick, and we find out, ironically, that she has a Master's Degree in Mental Health Counseling. Is this all a ruse for a study she is doing? Shouldn't she, of all people, understand why she should NOT be here? Anyway, it doesn't take long to begin her case study, because guess who is back for thirds? CORRINE! Because Nick has the spine of an amoeba, he again acquiesces to her request for more time, and Taylor returns to the "ladies," but only for a minute, because girl has had enough, and decides to turn the interrupting tables and interrupt Corrine! Meanwhile, I am on the edge of my seat. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Corrine is OFFENDED by this development, and proceeds to dazzle us with this eloquent explanation for what happened. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">No worries though, y'all. Not even Taylor can ruin this evening for Corrine, because Nick has conferred with Nick Jr. and guess who is getting the date rose? </span><br />
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<a href="https://img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/2017-01/10/16/asset/buzzfeed-prod-fastlane-02/anigif_sub-buzz-21513-1484085097-7.gif?no-auto" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/2017-01/10/16/asset/buzzfeed-prod-fastlane-02/anigif_sub-buzz-21513-1484085097-7.gif?no-auto" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I hope the producer who found Corrine gets a bonus. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDB1vLq10goKAtV2C1Ad8BtgVqHGv6dFHvP1b0IA1j5EjxgTy7TR4hMqpTofOVFukYTLEAZtRPbG1v4LIOx1RuQcWQkP5QkMsS6ZdjTK3hyphenhyphen9LLF7a0roe_ipnAgYjCo0Sem8AmGbZqnhPm/s1600/christen.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="158" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDB1vLq10goKAtV2C1Ad8BtgVqHGv6dFHvP1b0IA1j5EjxgTy7TR4hMqpTofOVFukYTLEAZtRPbG1v4LIOx1RuQcWQkP5QkMsS6ZdjTK3hyphenhyphen9LLF7a0roe_ipnAgYjCo0Sem8AmGbZqnhPm/s200/christen.PNG" width="200" /></span></a><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Anyway, while all of these shenanigans are going on, back at the homestead, Liz is being crushed under the weight of the "BIG SECRET," which, in case you don't remember, is that she has already seen (and more!) the goods on Nick nine months ago at Jade and Tanner's wedding, but did not give him her number afterwards when he asked for it. And because this is the Bachelor and not anywhere that sane behavior is encouraged, Liz runs through her options for who she can confide in. She finally chooses Chipette lookalike Christen, and begins to tell her story, and can I just say, I LOVED the way Christen nodded along, making her actually say, "we had intermittent sex and talk" out loud to the camera. With skills like that, Christen could have a job on Team Bachelor in no time! But the confessional seems to do nothing to ease Liz's discomfort, and she says that she "just doesn't know if she can do it anymore" if Nick does not approach her to discuss the awkwardness of their situation. Christen promises not to breathe a word of what Liz has told her to anyone, which I think we can all agree will last about six and a half seconds. </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Liz after the date card arrives.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Due to the pressing need to chat with Nick, Liz is living on a prayer that the first one-on-one will go to her, but alas, it's Danielle M (appropriately dressed nurse) who is bestowed this honor. And Liz is not okay with this you guys. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Nick is really excited about this first one-on-one with Danielle, and so they are starting things off with a bang! It's helicopter time! Danielle and Nick land in Newport Beach. Later, Nick opens up about his previous experiences on the show, and uses a bunch of buzz words about vulnerability and how you just have to keep trying and blah blah, and Danielle LOVES it. She is moved to share her past, which was that five years ago, her fiance died from a drug overdose. Dang! Sort of makes your "I keep going back for more public humiliation on national television" sob story look a little pathetic, right Nick? But Nick loves it! He encourages her to keep sharing and hold on to her feelings for future relationships. And Danielle gets the rose! Aww. I really like her. She is way too good to be on this show! Go home and meet a nice normal, Danielle!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In the meantime, the date card for the next group date has arrived at the house, and it is addressed to</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Christen</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Josephine</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Astrid</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Jaimi</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Kristina</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Liz</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">"We need to talk," declares the card. "Wow. We actually do need to talk! says Liz.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://static6.businessinsider.com/image/58730202ee14b62b008b7371-480/golden-globes-meryl-streep-nbc.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="http://static6.businessinsider.com/image/58730202ee14b62b008b7371-480/golden-globes-meryl-streep-nbc.jpg" height="150" width="200" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">"That is NOT the arts."</span></td></tr>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This date is even more bizarre than the first, and takes place at the Museum of Broken Relationships, which is evidently a real place. One would think with how awkward both of these group dates are that Nick is a glutton for punishment -- he knows he gets a say in these group dates, right? As the girls walk through the wreckage of other people's romantic failures, they come upon a couple breaking up loudly and violently. Or so they think! This is just an elaborately staged demonstration of what the "ladies" will be doing today, which is pretending to break up with Nick! Cause that's not weird or anything. Meryl Streep would not approve of this exercise. It is not the arts. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">One by one, the "ladies" approach Nick and give "reasons" for ending their relationship. He drinks too much, he called them fat, etc. Josephine even slaps Nick right in the face. Wow. But it's Liz who "steals" the show, and decides that this is the moment to confront Nick about their sordid history. Her prose comes as a shock to Nick, who upgrades into panic mode, wondering how many people she has told about their hookup, and proceeds to investigate during the one-on-one time at the cocktail party. Just when he thinks he's in the clear, Christen comes clean about what she knows, and tells Nick that Liz has told her that they have had all the sex. Nick finally decides that it's time to confront Liz, and their conversation goes something like this</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Nick: So, you're telling people we had sex. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Liz: I mean, I didn't really know you.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Nick: Why are you here? If you wanted to get in touch with me, we have mutual friends.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Liz: Well, you went to paradise. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Nick: I was only in Paradise for like a month. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Liz: Well, I hate talking on the phone. Having cameras present is a much better way to get to know someone.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">NIck: I don't think you're here for the right reasons.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Liz: ???</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Nick: I think you need to go. Bye, Felicia. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Seriously, that's it. We don't even get an exit interview from her. And with that, we can leave the Liz Saga behind us, and that's it for now, because we are at the two hour mark, and are hit with a "TO BE CONTINUED! right before Nick is about to tell the women that he and Liz slept together. Which, by the way, I'm sure will end up leading nowhere, because no one actually believes anyone is going to willingly go home over this reveal. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So until next week, Rose Enthusiasts, I wish you brimming mimosas and adequate celebrations for your bosoms! </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">.</span><br />
<br />JulientKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11155222436883944609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4939799295116483917.post-31464508551760344572017-01-03T10:33:00.004-07:002017-01-03T15:34:11.567-07:00An Unprecedented Return<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB9Dcg_dmjvNI_OyY43-pgdLlEiBcnM65OWfhAsraPr5NSsm7NNTlrBGrxsqhm_SdV8g5Alq2xwmxf_OuFfrabnWsurWSj_9VSLBxRf9ZIyyr49rkN10A1ilgW1jn2bHt1VFKtxii20B4h/s1600/Screen+Shot+2017-01-02+at+10.39.36+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB9Dcg_dmjvNI_OyY43-pgdLlEiBcnM65OWfhAsraPr5NSsm7NNTlrBGrxsqhm_SdV8g5Alq2xwmxf_OuFfrabnWsurWSj_9VSLBxRf9ZIyyr49rkN10A1ilgW1jn2bHt1VFKtxii20B4h/s200/Screen+Shot+2017-01-02+at+10.39.36+PM.png" width="199" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Just a Jigga Man, Pimp C"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Welcome, welcome, welcome, everyone to another season of our favorite primetime train wreck, The Bachelor! It has been a year since I have delved into the minutiae of each episode with you via this blog, but finally having a Bachelor with a questionable personality has brought me out of retirement! I am hoping for Juan Pablo-level shenanigans from Nick (as are the producers, I suspect), so let's toast to a journey full of tears and questionable life choices!<br />
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<a href="https://s.yimg.com/ny/api/res/1.2/dpkZZdVmf35Ec7wn7Q5rSg--/YXBwaWQ9aGlnaGxhbmRlcjtzbT0xO3c9NTAwO2g9Mjgx/http://media.zenfs.com/en/homerun/feed_manager_auto_publish_494/9a1216fe8b2a80a2c89f66d74eaf8419" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="111" src="https://s.yimg.com/ny/api/res/1.2/dpkZZdVmf35Ec7wn7Q5rSg--/YXBwaWQ9aGlnaGxhbmRlcjtzbT0xO3c9NTAwO2g9Mjgx/http://media.zenfs.com/en/homerun/feed_manager_auto_publish_494/9a1216fe8b2a80a2c89f66d74eaf8419" width="200" /></a>Whoa. Thirty seconds in and we are already treated(?) to some gratuitous nudity! I mean, we know from previous seasons that Nick is no prude, but good gracious. Save it until at least after the first commercial break! During his intro package, Nick has some trouble admitting to himself that he's contractually obligated to ABC for another several months, but accepts that he is "grateful to be in this position" (and many others later too, amiright?!). Enough with the false humility, Nick! We all know you're the Bachelor because you're a hot mess and that is what the people want! </div>
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Time for a Bachelor round table! We get visits from former Bachelors Sean, Chris, and Ben, who hand out advice for Nick, and Nick continues his redemption tour. The guys encourage Nick to "be himself," because apparently that person is way better than whoever we have been seeing for the last several years. I know I didn't see Nick's transformative run on Bachelor in Paradise (and neither did most of America, points out Sean), but how great could that edit possibly have been? </div>
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Chris Harrison is glad to have purpose again, and he is here to introduce us to this year's crop of "interesting," "accomplished" women, who are here to win Nick's heart! For simplicity's sake, here they are in alphabetical order (not necessarily the order in which we are introduced to them). </div>
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<strong id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4534">The 30 "ladies" are:</strong></div>
<div id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4535" style="font-family: HelveticaNeue, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, "Lucida Grande", sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
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<div id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4537" style="font-family: HelveticaNeue, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, "Lucida Grande", sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/alexis&source=gmail&ust=1483499996636000&usg=AFQjCNHLBqxB1kzIiry_2w4EetONeHFjEw" href="http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/alexis" id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4538" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Alexis</a>, 23, aspiring dolphin trainer, Secaucus, NJ. Alexis evidently owns a sumo wrestling outfit and is super into dolphins. She arrives in a dolphin outfit, but is actually a shark outfit, and she "dolphinately" can't wait to talk to Nick inside. </div>
<div id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4539" style="font-family: HelveticaNeue, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, "Lucida Grande", sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
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<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/angela&source=gmail&ust=1483499996636000&usg=AFQjCNFdKQ_xGEhwvJmKSWoEWhnd2GGr9w" href="http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/angela" id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4542" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Angela</a>, 26, model, Greenville, SC. Regulation hottie. Says nothing. ZZZ. </div>
<div id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4543" style="font-family: HelveticaNeue, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, "Lucida Grande", sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
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<div id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4545" style="font-family: HelveticaNeue, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, "Lucida Grande", sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/astrid&source=gmail&ust=1483499996636000&usg=AFQjCNE-mHmXYMH1vYSnKnF2tukswvUHZA" href="http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/astrid" id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4546" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Astrid</a>, 26, plastic surgery office manager, Tampa, FL. Astrid speaks a bunch of German and propositions Nick for sex and for seeing her breasts. So yeah. </div>
<div id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4547" style="font-family: HelveticaNeue, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, "Lucida Grande", sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
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<div id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4549" style="font-family: HelveticaNeue, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, "Lucida Grande", sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/briana&source=gmail&ust=1483499996636000&usg=AFQjCNEkRsu3w0hibjLTXsdZIDb0Caritw" href="http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/briana" id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4550" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Briana</a>, 28, surgical unit nurse, Salt Lake City, UT. She listens to his heart with a stethoscope. Old hat, Briana. Next! </div>
<div id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4551" style="font-family: HelveticaNeue, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, "Lucida Grande", sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQnhmBvUXg15N_sR_xddQ2cFX1I8HFrc52B7eRa0wLWoTH1Ry-a81xPRFkGDqqiaHmYMe1xi7Mls9dt20Injiq8Bpb1dUKPGKxZ3juVRkX8iCB2I9-iyWKA2AOiz07NYJW7x4Ym_heDaQ6/s1600/Screen+Shot+2017-01-02+at+10.26.53+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQnhmBvUXg15N_sR_xddQ2cFX1I8HFrc52B7eRa0wLWoTH1Ry-a81xPRFkGDqqiaHmYMe1xi7Mls9dt20Injiq8Bpb1dUKPGKxZ3juVRkX8iCB2I9-iyWKA2AOiz07NYJW7x4Ym_heDaQ6/s200/Screen+Shot+2017-01-02+at+10.26.53+PM.png" width="175" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Christen's doppleganger.</td></tr>
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<div id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4553" style="font-family: HelveticaNeue, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, "Lucida Grande", sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/brittany&source=gmail&ust=1483499996636000&usg=AFQjCNEW6oSuz3lXF4E69xU_lXIjrA8trQ" href="http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/brittany" id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4554" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Brittany</a>, 26, travel nurse, Santa Monica, CA. She offers to perform a rectal exam. That's...a choice. Of course, one can never be too careful on this show, so maybe that's a smarter move than we think. </div>
<div id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4555" style="font-family: HelveticaNeue, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, "Lucida Grande", sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
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<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/christen&source=gmail&ust=1483499996636000&usg=AFQjCNGFTeqmY0Ig1KLyp9uoC40DkViH9A" href="http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/christen" id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4558" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Christen</a>, 25, wedding videographer, Tulsa, OK. She does some sort of fan dance on her way out of the limo and looks like one of the Chipettes. </div>
<div id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4559" style="font-family: HelveticaNeue, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, "Lucida Grande", sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
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<div id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4561" style="font-family: HelveticaNeue, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, "Lucida Grande", sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/corinne&source=gmail&ust=1483499996637000&usg=AFQjCNHGsAv1WmmxI4IkFkYbbMT1FSVeBA" href="http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/corinne" id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4562" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Corinne</a>, 24, business owner, Miami, FL. Corrine's intro package has the same opening shot of Elle Woods's video essay for Harvard. She has a codependent relationship with her family, and she still has a nanny? She gives Nick a "hug token" to cash in later. </div>
<div id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4563" style="font-family: HelveticaNeue, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, "Lucida Grande", sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLqx4J8JZ6jf2hErPx9UFpTSr3SqH8coxnEmBVvDdEhHCVCvlSSad4O4wnMY7vjgxIhiEth01rnddLeR4aFX-jFZi5GC5hQckTdXrNSje8nrTB8Q20MmUD1J7O7XyAmkMrI7zEUHO2gGGg/s1600/Screen+Shot+2017-01-03+at+10.37.15+AM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="161" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLqx4J8JZ6jf2hErPx9UFpTSr3SqH8coxnEmBVvDdEhHCVCvlSSad4O4wnMY7vjgxIhiEth01rnddLeR4aFX-jFZi5GC5hQckTdXrNSje8nrTB8Q20MmUD1J7O7XyAmkMrI7zEUHO2gGGg/s200/Screen+Shot+2017-01-03+at+10.37.15+AM.png" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cleavage Adequacy: 11/10</td></tr>
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<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/danielle-l&source=gmail&ust=1483499996637000&usg=AFQjCNF0RKxnnyYWL5Qbg6GQPUDdaPaP6A" href="http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/danielle-l" id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4566" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Danielle L.</a>, 27, small business owner, Los Angeles, CA. Danielle owns a chain of nail salons. She is excited that Nick is going to be the Bachelor for the exact reason that any sane person should be wary of him, and that is that he has been on the show so many times, it shows he is "serious" about finding love. I guess being willing to overexpose themselves shamelessly is only a cute quirk? Or apparently something both of them can participate in given the amount of cleavage she exposes when she gets out of the limo! </div>
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<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/danielle-m&source=gmail&ust=1483499996637000&usg=AFQjCNElmYzxgksi8lVUboxwiKOwNZE77w" href="http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/danielle-m" id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4570" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Danielle M.</a>, 31, neonatal nurse, Nashville, TN. Danielle is wearing appropriate nursewear! She gets a good edit in her intro video, so she may be an actual contender. </div>
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<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/dominique&source=gmail&ust=1483499996637000&usg=AFQjCNG95ojPWXZS3ykgeKinRu-QYgooMw" href="http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/dominique" id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4574" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Dominique</a>, 25, restaurant server, Los Angeles, CA. She's just really excited. Like really excited to be here. </div>
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<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/elizabeth-liz&source=gmail&ust=1483499996637000&usg=AFQjCNEXCtpbRHVwCexJ88jIneoqLjTB2g" href="http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/elizabeth-liz" id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4578" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Elizabeth ("Liz")</a>, 29, doula, Las Vegas, NV. Liz was Jade's (of Jade and Tanner) Maid of Honor, and may or may not have hooked up with Nick at the reception. She's got a bunch of tats, and can't live without her Bible (according to ABC.com), so clearly, she's a solid investment. Nick does not appear to remember her. She isn't fussed about it though. She's really excited to refresh his memory. </div>
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<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/elizabeth&source=gmail&ust=1483499996637000&usg=AFQjCNFwfgF7oekMY6dSn1TYxzpHxbbuWA" href="http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/elizabeth" id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4582" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Elizabeth</a>, 24, marketing manager, Dallas, TX. Elizabeth is the most nervous she has ever been, but she is so happy that Nick is the Bachelor. Boring. Blah. Next. </div>
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<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/hailey&source=gmail&ust=1483499996637000&usg=AFQjCNGPvZ3sxemQmzDitZiDcRnu6v7StQ" href="http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/hailey" id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4586" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Hailey</a>, 23, photographer, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. She enters with a joke. "Do you know what a girl wearing underwear says?" "Neither do I?" Nick is impressed with her open sexuality. But geez, hope there aren't any cold benches in Casa Bachelor. </div>
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<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/ida-marie&source=gmail&ust=1483499996637000&usg=AFQjCNHI_je9spRuQIEXl8HfWy8t4tZVmA" href="http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/ida-marie" id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4590" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Ida Marie</a>, 23, sales manager, Harlingen, TX. Definitely a bit of a "plain-facer," but seems enthusiastic enough. </div>
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<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/jaimi&source=gmail&ust=1483499996637000&usg=AFQjCNGwscf9Du17cJdWC7RYRhHpfbr7kw" href="http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/jaimi" id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4594" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Jaimi</a>, 28, chef, New Orleans, LA. She's watched Nick's journey, and thinks he has balls, but so does she! A nose ring with balls that is! </div>
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<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/jasmine-b&source=gmail&ust=1483499996637000&usg=AFQjCNEfuLeWRh2QeeqPVBSdJZCybqbkOQ" href="http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/jasmine-b" id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4598" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Jasmine B.</a>, 25, flight attendant, Tacoma, WA. We got nothing on her. </div>
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<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/jasmine-g&source=gmail&ust=1483499996637000&usg=AFQjCNFgHt6i2nwLL2gt3Esgi7yr3HA8MA" href="http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/jasmine-g" id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4602" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Jasmine G.</a>, 29, pro basketball dancer, San Francisco, CA. She brings Neil Lane with her, and shows Nick her favorite ring. The producers must like her at least to let her prop up Neil Lane. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfJb5JUrTA7RrGpmBBfDD000Yo5VXBlt5l4oC2E8b5mGu_AMB7dC1SIFqAYT5b6XvbxrnK3YYQ1UKF_fBVw3ZTLRlKsWwkPKvIIxwcPRhdJfeTWx8q1Cb6fhYZVioa_he8F3_q9AaFKXD_/s1600/Screen+Shot+2017-01-03+at+9.34.32+AM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="205" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfJb5JUrTA7RrGpmBBfDD000Yo5VXBlt5l4oC2E8b5mGu_AMB7dC1SIFqAYT5b6XvbxrnK3YYQ1UKF_fBVw3ZTLRlKsWwkPKvIIxwcPRhdJfeTWx8q1Cb6fhYZVioa_he8F3_q9AaFKXD_/s320/Screen+Shot+2017-01-03+at+9.34.32+AM.png" width="320" /></a><a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/josephine&source=gmail&ust=1483499996637000&usg=AFQjCNGI4gI6dIpcTOunESxmYLCjnv03ag" href="http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/josephine" id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4606" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Josephine</a>, 24, registered nurse, Santa Cruz, CA. Internet says she's a registered nurse, but when we see her intro package, she is actually a nursing student, and she wastes no time putting on everyone's favorite slutty nurse wear. Have some self-respect, Josephine! Oh, never mind, she's psycho. She exits the limo with a hollow book containing a raw hot dog, and announces to Nick that he's "a weiner in her book" and then offers him the option of "Lady and the Tramping" it, which Nick does, albiet reluctantly. But I suppose anyone who is willing to bite a raw weiner has potential, right, Nick? </div>
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<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/kristina&source=gmail&ust=1483499996637000&usg=AFQjCNGq1rbDO5U5_cRsLeOkrl0GE7kjkA" href="http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/kristina" id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4610" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Kristina</a>, 24, dental hygienist, Lexington, KY. We literally see nothing about her, and she has a real job, so she's clearly not going anywhere. </div>
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<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/lacey&source=gmail&ust=1483499996637000&usg=AFQjCNHEQQNJ2XYFa2AP7WZ78FWbBeSE3A" href="http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/lacey" id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4614" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Lacey</a>, 25, digital marketing manager, Manhattan, NY. Lacey arrives on a camel and says that they both enjoy a good "hump!" Classy. </div>
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<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/lauren&source=gmail&ust=1483499996637000&usg=AFQjCNGkch2cl43JHBl6om3eyzJLdzuDDg" href="http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/lauren" id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4618" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Lauren</a>, 30, law school graduate, Naples, FL. She has the worst intro of all, announcing that her last name is Hussey, and since Nick's last name is "Viall" (pronounced "vile") that together they make a disgusting slut. I mean, I know I wasn't exactly the greatest dater, but I think even I knew better than to call me and anyone a disgusting slut when I just met them. But take bonding where you can, I suppose. </div>
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<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/michelle&source=gmail&ust=1483499996637000&usg=AFQjCNFY0xE40VTlMAxaZ8C2dHeWvxqZBg" href="http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/michelle" id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4622" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Michelle</a>, 24, food truck owner, Los Angeles, CA. She wants to take the "lemons" of Nick's past and make lemonade. Boring. </div>
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<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/olivia&source=gmail&ust=1483499996637000&usg=AFQjCNEqX8sduuUCtsIDSpWi0NXoIQzy6g" href="http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/olivia" id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4626" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Olivia</a>, 25, apparel sales representative, Anchorage, AK. Olivia is from Alaska, and wants to give Nick an eskimo kiss. She also shows up in a real fur... Does she get to do that because she's from Alaska? </div>
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<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/rachel&source=gmail&ust=1483499996637000&usg=AFQjCNGUq7CsCSiyJq8R68W13qzfai9z8w" href="http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/rachel" id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4630" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Rachel</a>, 31, attorney, Dallas, TX. Rachel is a civil litigator, and wants us to know that she is more than just a lawyer! She is an accomplished vacuum dancer, and she is FUN, guys! She seems much too accomplished and well-adjusted to be on this show. Get out now, Rachel! </div>
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<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/raven&source=gmail&ust=1483499996637000&usg=AFQjCNHbJA30BhJOIOz6MGuBzQ0jeHBSwA" href="http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/raven" id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4634" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Raven</a>, 25, fashion boutique owner, Hoxie, AR. Raven continues southern stereotypes by announcing that she enjoys shooting guns and reading the Bible. She teaches Nick how to do some Arkansas State hog call. </div>
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<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/sarah&source=gmail&ust=1483499996637000&usg=AFQjCNEsIg4bcv1vOjF0l7i4F8rR-1-_Tw" href="http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/sarah" id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4638" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Sarah</a>, 26, grade school teacher, Newport Beach, CA. She runs up because Nick is the perpetual "runner up!" Solid joke. </div>
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<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/susannah&source=gmail&ust=1483499996637000&usg=AFQjCNFzasLgNmp_TLhDUr4nS3iGG1t7Ow" href="http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/susannah" id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4642" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Susannah</a>, 26, account manager, San Diego, CA. Gives Nick a beard massage. </div>
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<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/taylor&source=gmail&ust=1483499996637000&usg=AFQjCNH9LasJ89rU0Jq4C5shvsRfku_BTQ" href="http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/taylor" id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4646" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Taylor</a>, 23, mental health counselor, Seattle, WA. Taylor is half white, half black, so we know why she got an intro video. She tells Nick that all of her friends think he's a complete "piece of s***", but assures Nick she doesn't think that. So that's nice. </div>
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<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/vanessa&source=gmail&ust=1483499996637000&usg=AFQjCNFOdA6uIxEXwoD42iN3X3cnmX6DwA" href="http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/vanessa" id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4650" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Vanessa</a>, 29, special education teacher, Montreal, Quebec, Canada. Vanessa is a teacher, and for heaven's sake, does her school have no dress code?! What is she wearing? That outfit would be good for at least two passive aggressive emails and a line item at a staff meeting addressing professional attire if anyone I worked with wore it! </div>
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<a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?hl=en&q=http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/whitney&source=gmail&ust=1483499996637000&usg=AFQjCNH3lRGiCmI52r0HUe4irzTcym4bnQ" href="http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/whitney" id="m_6092528994451486214yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1483413265457_4654" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">Whitney</a>, 25, Pilates instructor, Chanhassen, MN. I completely missed her. Kort says she was skinny and looks like Shiri Appleby. I trust him. </div>
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Nick comes into the cocktail party and says that he's really ready to find someone, and he wants someone empowered with a strong personality! He and women are basically equals, you guys. We see a few one-on-ones, and then Chris Harrison, the harbinger of doom, brings forth the first impression rose! Taylor announces that her "heart is in her a**" seeing it. I would pay to see that, Taylor. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Definitely not here to make friends! </td></tr>
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Corrine wins the aggression award for the evening and is not only the first one to steal Nick from another girl, but also kisses him, which she comes in and announces to everyone like a tipsy Paul Revere. This gets other girls on their toes and calling her a "ho." She doesn't care though! She's here for "Nick-nick-nick-na-nick-nick-nick NICKELODEON!" </div>
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The dolphin girl also gets a lot of attention, with Corrine correctly pointing out that this could be a pretty impressive strategy if she has a questionable body underneath. True that, Corrine. Nick is also concerned that she doesn't know what animal she is, which shows that he may not be as stupid as I thought.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Definitely gills, folks. </td></tr>
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DUN DUN DUN! It's time for the first impression rose, and it goes to . . . . RACHEL! Wow! Good for you Nick, giving the first impression rose to someone who actually has a job and a life! She seems genuinely excited about it, which is really sweet, but clearly going to end badly for her. </div>
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The best part about there being a million women here is that we don't see that much of the cocktail party, and we are already right to the Rose Ceremony! </div>
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Getting roses tonight are: </div>
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Vanessa (Tight Pants Teacher)</div>
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Danielle L. (Cleavage McGee)</div>
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Christen (Dog Chipmunk)</div>
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Astrid (German girl)</div>
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Corrine (Aggressive kisser)</div>
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Elizabeth (nondescript blonde)</div>
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Jasmine G (Neil Lane girl)</div>
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Raven (Guns and Jesus!)</div>
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Kristina (Weird accent, cried a lot)</div>
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Danielle M (current fave!)</div>
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Sarah (running enthusiast)</div>
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Josephine (producer choice)</div>
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Lacey (Hump DAY!)</div>
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Taylor (friends hate Nick)</div>
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Alexis (Dolphin chick makes it through!) </div>
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Hailey (no undies)</div>
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Whitney (skinny and stuff)</div>
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Dominique (So excited!)</div>
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Jaimi (has balls)</div>
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Brittany (rectal exam)</div>
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Liz (drunken hookup)</div>
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Which means on the Alone Train to Alonesville are: </div>
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Olivia</div>
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Angela</div>
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Lauren</div>
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Briana</div>
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Ida Marie</div>
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Susannah</div>
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Jasmine B.</div>
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Michelle<br />
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Some additional thoughts:<br />
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1) I wonder if the producers were so bored with these women that they made everyone wear a red dress to manufacture a storyline? That does NOT say good things about the rest of the season.<br />
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2) How many times are we going to be treated to listening to everyone say how they are going to judge Nick based on his current behavior instead of his previous douchebaggery? Why not embrace that Nick is a train wreck and everyone is going down with him? I guess that's not very romantic, but it's a heck of a lot more entertaining!<br />
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3) Are we abandoning all sense of propriety when it comes to sex? I mean, I guess Nick has definitely boned more girls on this show than anyone else, but, wow! I'm not sure I've ever seen the women more aggressive in offering their bodies to the Bachelor. I hope everyone got their screenings before they came, because this could turn into quite the petri dish of nasty.<br />
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4) Did ANYONE not have the same hairstyle? Was there a one-inch barrel curling iron left safe in the Southern California area after this was filmed? Am I just missing how I'm supposed to be doing my hair (a very real possibility I suppose)? </div>
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Well, everyone, this pretty much covers this week's shenanigans! We'll see if I can keep up with the blogging during the rest of the season! Kisses! </div>
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JulientKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11155222436883944609noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4939799295116483917.post-84926965170552347312016-01-27T06:21:00.001-07:002016-01-27T08:40:42.268-07:00Loud and Clear<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi35bX3GdBwdXmQIVrvR0CDSA5KHEzDSaRxtUrSfSpuYqhmbmG4WILPvPCmLcHMHwIN-p3R0UUH0UYH44yqOxWYc1AIdVxrWM8PbASmjkZqQb70e9A0njnuQQESjnB1gEUMqQrLi_YJpphB/s1600/unnamed+%25282%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><a href="http://img2.timeinc.net/people/i/2016/news/160111/ben-higgins-a-435.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://img2.timeinc.net/people/i/2016/news/160111/ben-higgins-a-435.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
"I'm exhausted," say the "ladies" as we open on the morning after last week's Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever<b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 19.2px;">™. </b> When Chris Harrison arrives at Casa Bachelor, he is there to tell them that they are going to Las Vegas!!!!! Olivia wastes no time informing everyone her plan to whisper to Ben that she wants a one-on-one, and she wants to see Celine. I hate to break it to you, sweetness, but there is no way Team Bachelor can afford Celine.<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi35bX3GdBwdXmQIVrvR0CDSA5KHEzDSaRxtUrSfSpuYqhmbmG4WILPvPCmLcHMHwIN-p3R0UUH0UYH44yqOxWYc1AIdVxrWM8PbASmjkZqQb70e9A0njnuQQESjnB1gEUMqQrLi_YJpphB/s1600/unnamed+%25282%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi35bX3GdBwdXmQIVrvR0CDSA5KHEzDSaRxtUrSfSpuYqhmbmG4WILPvPCmLcHMHwIN-p3R0UUH0UYH44yqOxWYc1AIdVxrWM8PbASmjkZqQb70e9A0njnuQQESjnB1gEUMqQrLi_YJpphB/s200/unnamed+%25282%2529.jpg" width="200" /></a><br />
When they arrive in Vegas, there is a message from Ben on one of the neon signs, which the "ladies" LOVE. They understand that he did not do that right? Anyway, first date card goes to Jojo, and Olivia puts on a brave face in the face of her turmoil in not getting the date. Oh, I'm sorry, I meant b**** face.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgU0PPRqTasBXgpmi1t5Ga7HaqS2mkrnfttUY9hyLd1I5xrmHL7xv8lJVax-E-_n3F9jKNX76i8wMyPfvqCCabpg_8P_GTR5I6ihLYfB7yoZSOCG-KCYRqfGCoENLXoz53nB-X44Lz0rae4/s1600/unnamed+%25281%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgU0PPRqTasBXgpmi1t5Ga7HaqS2mkrnfttUY9hyLd1I5xrmHL7xv8lJVax-E-_n3F9jKNX76i8wMyPfvqCCabpg_8P_GTR5I6ihLYfB7yoZSOCG-KCYRqfGCoENLXoz53nB-X44Lz0rae4/s200/unnamed+%25281%2529.jpg" width="161" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Olivia's reaction to not getting the date.</td></tr>
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JoJo and Ben spend some time on a tarmac drinking champagne when a helicopter descends and knocks over the table, champagne and all. No worries though, Ben throws himself on JoJo's lips to protect her from harm. Conveniently, all of the girls are able to watch the whole makeout sesh from the window, and they are NOT loving it.<br />
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We take some time here for foreshadowing! We see the twins, Emily and Haley, walking on a treadmill, talking about how they do everything together. They ride together, they swim together, they go out to dinner every night, blah blah. All this means is that clearly, one of the twins is outta here this week, and thank goodness, because honestly, does anyone know which one is which? Does Ben know which one is which?<br />
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We don't get to see much of JoJo and Ben's date beyond the helicopter because we have to set up the twins' inevitable exit, but we do make room for JoJo's backstory reveal (her last boyfriend cheated!), and Ben, dang it he is earnest, convinces her that he wants her there and to be present and all of that, and not surprisingly, she gets the rose. And cue Vegas balcony and our first fireworks of the season! More making out. For what it's worth, Ben seems super in to JoJo, even if her problems are a little less severe than Jubilee's (I mean "walls" and "trust issues" and whatever are the same as your whole family being murdered, right?), so she is definitely emerging as a contender. And because Team Bachelor seems to be wanting to provoke Olivia into a complete meltdown (please!), the other "ladies" are able to watch the fireworks from their room as well. "I feel like I'm being cheated on," laments Olivia. That's because you are, sweetheart.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgX7nMP7atI126Qjv2gJ5FZiu0wKqycLJDkD6ufdq6RfOILLC21pfpgOwCcfz7OztpJKaDe56WYyZlcA4mC5mLL7Aj8yoR95pFvvIZLoYP3EIVm6rfaUxBKoV2lP4WgW_tRwMk6Tl7mgf7A/s1600/comp2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="148" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgX7nMP7atI126Qjv2gJ5FZiu0wKqycLJDkD6ufdq6RfOILLC21pfpgOwCcfz7OztpJKaDe56WYyZlcA4mC5mLL7Aj8yoR95pFvvIZLoYP3EIVm6rfaUxBKoV2lP4WgW_tRwMk6Tl7mgf7A/s200/comp2.jpg" width="200" /></a>The group date this week includes Amanda, Jubilee, Caila, Amber, Haley, Emily, Leah, Lauren H, Jennifer, Rachel, Olivia (horrifyingly upset at this prospect) and Lauren B, and the girls follow Ben into a theater where a low-budget Jeff Dunham named Terry Fator tells them that today they will be participating in a talent competition! Hopefully Olivia feels right at home among her puppet brethren.<br />
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As the girls scramble to find talents, a discussion emerges about what Olivia's talent is (besides having giant toes, amiright!?) since she's keeping it a secret from everyone. It's not going to be a secret for long though, because the girls are going to open Terry's show (hope they gave a discount to the guests at the Mirage)! At this point, I turned to ask my husband something, and then all of a sudden I looked up and Olivia is in a straight up showgirl outfit, complete with rhinestone chains and a feather boa, shimmying toward the camera. I don't know how she got there, but I cannot wait to see what fresh hell this will bring.<br />
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When the girls get up to perform, Haley and Emily do Irish step dancing, Jubilee plays the cello, someone juggles (Leah?), someone hula dances, someone ties balloon animals, someone sings their own version of Old MacDonald, someone dresses as a clown, and FINALLY, we get to the main event. A cake is wheeled on stage and naturally, Olivia pops out and starts dancing around drunkenly, complete with weird leg kicks and boob shaking. For all of her confidence leading up to her performance, this is definitely meltdowns status. Ben looks perplexed at best. Afterward Olivia, in the spirit of Kelsey who came before her, has a "complete panic attack" over how stupid her talent was and how Ben "pity hugged" her out of mortification at the end. Sounds like the perfect conversation to parlay into getting a rose to me!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDVjCn4CmYxPKw1KC0zhs44ZzDQzQ_UHt8sv6mjmFgTXVNxp6vzDrR2Fb84O0x8qqS8Qll5EM6bplIr_qVDF9eiu9dZnCGdCeURWmRXyUeqB8PHRg8PB8mT6F-DTk2J_rGOHLcHhZUohSl/s1600/unnamed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDVjCn4CmYxPKw1KC0zhs44ZzDQzQ_UHt8sv6mjmFgTXVNxp6vzDrR2Fb84O0x8qqS8Qll5EM6bplIr_qVDF9eiu9dZnCGdCeURWmRXyUeqB8PHRg8PB8mT6F-DTk2J_rGOHLcHhZUohSl/s200/unnamed.jpg" width="180" /></a>The cocktail party is poolside (naturally), and Caila is the first one to steal Ben and is worried about standing out in a non-obnoxious way, and decides the best way to subtly declare herself is to immediately stick her tongue in Ben's mouth. And Ben LOVES it. "Caila is like a sex panther!" Yikes.<br />
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Lauren H. (I think?) also makes out with Ben after being forced to endure his puppet doppleganger, appropriately named "Little Ben." Eeesh. In between having to tuck her breasts into her shirt (for real though, what was that thing she was wearing? A sack?), Olivia continues to complain about how stupid her talent was and how she humiliated herself, but oh wait! One of the twins came and stole Ben away before Olivia could convince Ben to feel sorry for her! Cue nail biting (no really, her fingers are all up in her mouth during her talking head)! Because Olivia is not one to stand down, she continues to make things worse for herself by interrupting Emily's time with Ben to make sure that she gets a kiss. Or rather, Ben kisses her to shut her fat mouth. Unfortunately, her last ditch effort doesn't pay off, and Lauren B (last week's one-on-one date recipient) goes home with the rose!<br />
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The other one-on-one this week goes to Becca, who, as we all know, was the runner-up last year with Chris. Will she show more personality on this date than she did all of last season? I hope so. A large box arrives at Casa Bachelor containing, you guessed it, a wedding dress! The date card says, "Get dressed, it's a big day!" Jubilee voices what we're all thinking and says that, as a virgin, Becca is the only person in the house qualified to wear white, and is confident that she will be wearing white again upon her return to the house.<br />
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When Becca goes to meet Ben, it's at a wedding chapel, where - after getting an internet ordination - Ben will be performing some weddings today! This is actually a pretty unique date, and almost makes me wish that we had gone to Vegas while they were filming so we could have gotten married on the Bach. But, alas, I suppose you can't have everything in life. Anyway, Becca and Ben officiate quite a few weddings, and eventually, Becca provides us with the requisite soundbyte, "I can totally see myself standing up next to Ben in a dress" and blah blah.<br />
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Their dinner conversation is much more intense, with Ben asking Becca what she thinks of the fact that he is not a virgin and whether or not that matters to her. Way to go Ben, asking the good questions! Becca says that it doesn't matter to her, and Ben gets a sense that Becca's commitment to chastity means that she will be good at committing, and she gets the date rose.<br />
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<a href="http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxMy1iYzU2NThiOGUwNTk2ZmYx.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxMy1iYzU2NThiOGUwNTk2ZmYx.png" height="224" width="320" /></a>It's the day of the cocktail party and Chris Harrison comes bearing some news! The time for the dreaded two on one date between Haley and Emily has come! For this "date" Ben visits their home (they live in Vegas), meets their dogs and their moms, and spends time with each twin individually so he can eventually make his final decision. Haley is more reserved than Emily, who wastes no time chucking Haley under the bus, saying that her own connection to Ben is "so much stronger" and that Haley is "struggling" a lot more than she is about the whole situation. Then, Mama Twin comes in and gives a rousing endorsement for Haley, which can only mean one thing. The twin that will be leaving us is.... HALEY! Emily appears to be distraught, but wastes no time getting her mack on with Ben in the limo back to the hotel.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZ0P1cwp00tdGjvZt_8VSMy_ekdk7g6FhI2imILmQmmbSkdQxL15D413dPrOGqFH5JDGd0Mqy_qIl4bB4YDpUYSODebE6bYB6y6D8JQLOaVI41AmhBJf18F_UvBI40AkjMAV22VtI2xX-K/s1600/image15.GIF" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="121" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZ0P1cwp00tdGjvZt_8VSMy_ekdk7g6FhI2imILmQmmbSkdQxL15D413dPrOGqFH5JDGd0Mqy_qIl4bB4YDpUYSODebE6bYB6y6D8JQLOaVI41AmhBJf18F_UvBI40AkjMAV22VtI2xX-K/s200/image15.GIF" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Olivia's life motto. </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://adriancrowe.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/delusions-of-grandeur.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="140" src="https://adriancrowe.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/delusions-of-grandeur.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"> Newest addition to Olivia's vision board. </td></tr>
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At the cocktail party, all of the girls are wondering if anyone has a chance of snagging Ben before Olivia swoops in. Surprisingly, Jennifer is able to pull him aside for all of three minutes before Miss Thang makes her way over sinks her claws in. Olivia brings Ben a piece of cheesecake and goes on for awhile about how she "wasn't herself" this week and how she's so "awkward" and doesn't know why she is so "insecure." And Ben is just NOT having it. "I don't need you to tell me how awkward you are," says Ben in a tone that doesn't say, "can't wait to marry you, crazy biz." True to form, however, Olivia hasn't noticed any of this, and carries on to Ben about how she's "falling for him" like hardcore, and starts referring to herself in the third person saying, "Olivia is here for you!" In the meantime, Ben attempts to get himself out of this trap by grabbing her hands and sending her on her way. Rather than interpreting this for what it means - that Ben cannot stand to be within twenty feet of her - Olivia tells the camera that she heard Ben's message "loud and clear" and even goes so far as to tell JoJo that she declared her feelings for Ben and that Ben totally said the same thing back, even though no such thing happened. If her goal was to have a pretty convincing audition for a Lifetime movie in which she plays a stalker, then, mission accomplished.<br />
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Roll call! At the Rose Ceremony, Amanda, Lauren H, Emily, Jubilee, Jennifer, Caila, Leah, and ... Olivia (you can almost see the disgust on Ben's face) join Becca, Lauren B, and JoJo in the circle of safety, meaning that we have to say goodbye to unemployed Rachel and former Chris contestant Amber, who are rather distraught about leaving, but I don't understand how Amber could even be surprised given her performance during the Jubilee debacle last week. I also particularly liked her taking off her heels as she walked out. That's right, honey. Heels are for winners!<br />
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Whew! I am exhausted, Rose Enthusiasts. See you next week as we follow Olivia's gradual descent into madness!<br />
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JulientKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11155222436883944609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4939799295116483917.post-78211309562546958282016-01-12T20:58:00.001-07:002016-01-13T08:25:28.651-07:00Science is fun! <span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img height="16" id="koj3wqxsubqg" src="data:image/gif;base64,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" width="16" />It's week 2 of Ben's "journey" and Leah is so happy to be here! </span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We open to one of the twins saying that "Ben is the greatest bachelor on the planet of history!" Wherever that is. Toast with a mimosa! </span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMYWlJmfEi9VrjcN3vcWc9AwQKn6lyzTyCJ2RwEtgpPkkrcHoAhwH5WpD7LyEn4ICO5JK2I3ZWNE-aVKx7s2noVGMz-cOxMtzAFcUrTamYUcTjmPNGEeAOc7ya4CylRdjjchp3plgKIDyv/s1600/image2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMYWlJmfEi9VrjcN3vcWc9AwQKn6lyzTyCJ2RwEtgpPkkrcHoAhwH5WpD7LyEn4ICO5JK2I3ZWNE-aVKx7s2noVGMz-cOxMtzAFcUrTamYUcTjmPNGEeAOc7ya4CylRdjjchp3plgKIDyv/s200/image2.JPG" width="140" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ben's motto. </td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ben is feeling "really positive" this morning as he contemplatively drinks his coffee. After all, he's ready for the first date with his future wife. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Date card! It's a group date for Jackie, LB, Becca, Lauren H, Amber, Mandi, Jojo, Jubilee, Jennifer, and Lace! "Let's learn how to love," says the date card. The montage of Lace getting ready for this date is classic. "If I could make out with Ben on this date, that would be fantastic. I could get the rose, and then get the <strike>drink</strike> ring." But she's not crazy. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The women meet Ben at Bachelor High! After all, high school is where Ben's best memories happened. If he wasn't such a nice guy, I'd be super concerned that his life's highs all came at high school. But the real question is whether or not any of these people dressed appropriately enough to be anywhere near where children are educated. Survey says probably not. "I've never felt this turned on in a high school before," says Jojo, and somewhere Mary Kay Letourneu breathes a sigh of relief. Chris Harrison is also here (going full meta in a Napoleon Dynamite outfit), and the girls will be competing to become Ben's homecoming queen! Because that's not shallow or anything. The girls then proceed to work to make "Ben's volcano erupt," (they meant penis!) bob for apples (red, just like Ben's heart), find Indiana and place it on a map (surprisingly difficult), and making a free throw. Eventually, it comes down to Mandi and Amber, who then have to race to the finish. Mandi, the crazy Portland-ite, emerges the winner to the surprise of everyone, and she and her tiara get escorted off in a mustang! Aww, High school. We don't see any of their coveted one-on-one time, which is sort of surprising, because I would think that Mandi had a lot of quotable things to say. </span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLMttC6BvE4mW9sx80e1rIMCipaVt2KAn3YVm4q4AKEuWwG7WFqPEdA16FIdt380bnNzuQ_z4UMLMsu6F3kByJrMKHVnDO5jHRj86O4SuYURfTxGifyf9M4Y7KDTZq77Dyzl466ZCV9c3V/s1600/image10.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLMttC6BvE4mW9sx80e1rIMCipaVt2KAn3YVm4q4AKEuWwG7WFqPEdA16FIdt380bnNzuQ_z4UMLMsu6F3kByJrMKHVnDO5jHRj86O4SuYURfTxGifyf9M4Y7KDTZq77Dyzl466ZCV9c3V/s200/image10.JPG" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ben's new motto. </td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Becca is the first to steal Ben away at the cocktail party, and attempts to steal Ben's heart playing basketball (is it part of his contract that basketball must be everywhere on every date?). When Ben takes Jennifer aside, he quickly abandons his plan not to get physical too soon and starts making out with Jennifer. Seems that he took Chris Soules advice seriously! I guess it was good, because Jennifer says she "just wants to kiss his face all night." It happened so fast, I don't even know what pre-empted it. Lace is of course, unimpressed, and is upset because Ben is not paying attention to her. When she finally talks to Ben, Lace attempts to apologize for her behavior at the first cocktail party, which Ben graciously accepts, much to his detriment, I'm sure. Don't do it, Ben! Of course, Lace has taken this to what some might call an unhealthy level, claiming that the two of them are essentially having intercourse with their eyes (she used much more common terms). Right when she's in the middle of her eye penetration, Jubilee interrupts her. But don't worry! Lace is not going to let that ruin her chance to get that rose! Jubilee also gets kissed, and says with absolutely no expression, how kissing him was "so special." Sure it was. The date rose eventually goes to Jojo, who had just been complaining about not having enough time.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">How Olivia feels about Caila getting the date.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Datecard! It's a one-on-one for Caila! Olivia is stunned, because she was "clearly the frontrunner." Ok, honey. Before the date, Chris Harrison shows up, and welcomes Ice T and Kevin Hart, here to not shamelessly promote their new movie <u>Ride Along 2</u>. They take Ben aside, and tell him that they are going to take him on an "inexpensive" date to see how Caila reacts. Flowers are purchased from a street vendors, a liquor store is visited, and ultimately, they stop at a hot tub store before Ice T and Kevin peace out, having done their utmost to ensure that women will go with their boyfriends to see <u>Ride Along 2.</u> After dinner, Ben and Caila have a nice conversation about how Ben is "unlovable," and Caila tells the story of her last relationship (conveniently leaving out that she dumped her boyfriend to be on the show). Ultimately, I was pretty let down by the quality of this date. You almost feel sorry that Caila got such a lame one! But whatever, she got the rose. Oh nice, they got a private concert by Amos Lee. I guess that's not that lame. </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Olivia's Doppleganger. <img height="16" id="t0k5yeeak9e9" src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhEAAQAOUdAOvr69HR0cHBwby8vOzs7PHx8ff397W1tbOzs+Xl5ebm5vDw8PPz88PDw7e3t+3t7dvb2+7u7vX19eTk5OPj4+rq6tbW1unp6bu7u+fn5+jo6N/f3+/v7/7+/ra2ttXV1f39/fz8/Li4uMXFxfb29vLy8vr6+sLCwtPT0/j4+PT09MDAwL+/v7m5ubS0tM7OzsrKytra2tTU1MfHx+Li4tDQ0M/Pz9nZ2b6+vgAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACH/C05FVFNDQVBFMi4wAwEAAAAh+QQFMAA5ACwAAAAAEAAQAAAGg8CcMAcICAY5QsEwHBYPCMQhl6guGM5GNOqgVhMPbA6y5Xq/kZwkN3Fsu98EJcdYKCo5i7kKwCorVRd4GAg5GVgAfBpxaRtsZwkaiwpfD0NxkYl8QngARF8AdhmeDwl4pngUCQsVHDl2m2iveDkXcZ6YTgS3kAS0RKWxVQ+/TqydrE1BACH5BAkwADkALAAAAAAQABAAAAZ+wJwwJ1kQIgNBgDMcdh6KRILgQSAOn46TIJVSrdZGSMjpeqtgREAoYWi6BFF6xCAJS6ZyYhEIUwxNQgYkFxwBByh2gU0kKRVHi4sgOQuRTRJtJgwSBJElihwMQioqGmw5gEMLKk2AEkSBq4ElQmNNoYG2OVpDuE6Lrzmfp0NBACH5BAUwADkALAAAAAAQABAAAAaFwJwwJ1kQCDlCwTAcMh6KhDQnVSwYTkJ1un1gc5wtdxsh5iqaLbVKyVEWigq4ugZgTyiA9CK/JHIZWCsICCxpVWV/EzkHhAgth1UPQ4OOLXpScmebFA6ELHAZclBycXIULi8VZXCZawplFG05flWlakIVWravCgSaZ1CuksBDFQsAcsfFQQAh+QQJMAA5ACwAAAAAEAAQAAAGQcCccEgsGo/IpHLJzDGaOcKCCUgkAEuFNaFRbq1dJCxX2WKRCFdMmJiiEQjRp1BJwu8y5R3RWNsRBx9+SSsxgzlBACH5BAkwADkALAAAAAAQABAAAAaJwJwwJ1kQCDlCwTAcMh6KhDQnVSwYTkJ1un1gc5wtdxsh5iqaLbVKyTEWigq4ugZglRXpRX5J5DJYAFIAaVVlfhNrURqFVQ9DYhqCgzkzCGdnVQBwGRU0LQiXCRUAORQJCwAcOTChoYplBXIKLq6vUXRCCQ22olUEcroJB66KD8FNCjUrlxWpTUEAIfkEBTAAOQAsAAAAABAAEAAABobAnDAnWRAIOULBMBwyHoqENCdVLBhOQnW6fWBznC13G8nZchXNllql5Bg2xA1cZQOwShwCMdDkLgk5GVgAUgAie3syVDkTbFIaiIkIJ0NiGnp7HiNonRVVAHEuFjlQFVQVAI0JCzYjrKCPZQWnf1unYkMVWrFbBLVoUIaPD8C6CwCnAMhNQQA7" width="16" /></td></tr>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTrzM2jdRzbnW7652XtlUeRSTPd3AUAdzKCzRG2L7MuOdnfL4JvxFZVW3zF00HV2on_zyTxUFmoyaTO_3xjgKRLfkCsAaegGkIugaXETD3OI-azCgbXioNBn9PlFQbjUC68LUKv5Hp1a0Z/s1600/image14.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="153" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTrzM2jdRzbnW7652XtlUeRSTPd3AUAdzKCzRG2L7MuOdnfL4JvxFZVW3zF00HV2on_zyTxUFmoyaTO_3xjgKRLfkCsAaegGkIugaXETD3OI-azCgbXioNBn9PlFQbjUC68LUKv5Hp1a0Z/s200/image14.JPG" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The rest of the girls take off on another group date, and show up in a room where they are shown by a robot to a room where Ben is dressed up in all white. Apparently, this is a love lab! Chris Harrison is there to say that they are finally going to use "science" to determine whether or not Ben is compatible with any of the girls, and since we're not sure the "ladies" are savvy enough to figure out this is definitely not real science, this should be excellent. The girls are subjected to all sorts of tests, including allowing Ben to smell them after they exercise to see if he finds their natural scent attractive (most sweet, flowery, etc. except for Sam, who gets "sour." Gross). The last test is a thermal energy test, which is just an excuse for the girls to watch Ben cavort with the others in his underwear. Theoretically, the purpose is to see how their heat level changes as they "interact" with each other, and I'm sure the fact that the "ladies" are all in bras and panties has nothing to do with Ben's heat being higher. When the results are read, sour-smelling Sam gets the lowest score with a 2.4, and (likely because of producer intervention) the most compatible is ... Olivia! Not surprisingly, she wastes no time changing her last name to Higgins after getting the date rose and declares that she "doesn't even know what rose ceremonies are." At least no one has to worry about her taking Miss Congeniality. </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"It's where I got my sour smell" - Sam</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Side note, has anyone noticed that Sam looks exactly like Kermit the Frog?? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At the cocktail party, the usual crop of girls who didn't get dates are feeling anxious about whether or not they'll get enough time with Ben and blah blah. But, that Ben, if he isn't the nicest guy, makes sure that all of the girls he didn't get time with feel special. He prints a picture of himself and Lauren B. from the first night and gives it to her (she says she loves it, but her face says unimpressed), and makes barrettes with Amanda for her kids. Ugh, he's so adorable. Anyway, Olivia manages to further anger the "ladies" by stealing Ben for another make out sesh before they even have time with him, which, of course, makes everyone - particularly Lace - more desperate than anyone could have hoped. When she pulls Ben aside, she further weakens her case that she's not a psycho by insisting over and over again that she is "not crazy." She seems to know that she's in a bad way, because afterward, she cries and says that the Lace "she promised herself would not come out" is here. </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ben's reaction after keeping Lace. </td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But thankfully, it's time to put Lace out of her misery, because it's time for the rose ceremony! <span style="color: #26282a;"><span style="background-color: white; letter-spacing: 0.18px; line-height: 28.8px;">Roses are going to Amanda, Jubilee, Lauren B., Leah, Becca, Rachel, Lace (RLY??) LB (but j/k, she leaves. Bye, Felicia!), Emily, Jennifer, Jami, Lauren H., Sushanna, Haley and Amber! This means we are saying a fond farewell to Mandi (Rose Head) Jackie, and Sam as they catch the Alone Train to Alonesville. Good luck, ladies! </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well, that's all there is for this week, Rose Enthusiasts! Until next week, beware of anyone named Dr. Love! </span></div>
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JulientKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11155222436883944609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4939799295116483917.post-387163363065327542016-01-05T12:18:00.001-07:002016-01-05T15:42:31.713-07:00"Am I Dreaming?" Welcome back, Rose Enthusiasts! Has everyone recovered from the disaster that was Kaitlyn? I hope so, because after two seasons of slut-faces, we finally have a lead with some class!<br />
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Meet Ben! He's 26, from Indiana, and, according to ABC.com, once hiked the spiritual trails of Machu Pichu. Clearly, he's a solid investment. To begin Ben's journey, we see Ben walking lonely through a cornfield and discussing his fear of being unlovable, meet his adorable parents, and watch him be the grand marshal at his high school's homecoming (is this even a thing?). Really, Ben is almost too normal for this, except that we know no one normal goes on a reality TV show. </div>
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After we get some advice from former Bachelors Sean, Jason, and Farmer Chris, Ben is ready to put himself out there! But who cares about all of that? Let's bring on the "ladies!" </div>
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First out of the limo is <b>Lauren B</b>., who is lucky enough to get an intro package. Her happy place is the beach (but not somewhere that sells flattering swimwear), she is a flight attendant, and apparently has an entire gaggle of Stepford-esque friends whose faces are indistinguishable from her own. But at least they own giant wine glasses, amiright?? When she gets out of the limo, she brings Ben his own pair of wings, and hopes he's ready to "take off" on this journey. </div>
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<b>Caila</b> jumps right into Ben's arms. "Thanks for catching me!" she quips, before asking to "catch up" inside. She reveals that she broke up with her boyfriend because of fate and stuff after she saw Ben on Kaitlyn's season, because that's normal. <b>Jennifer</b> is a small business owner, and forgets to say her name. <b>Jami </b>makes a penis joke. So yeah. You know, you probably don't have to do EVERYTHING the producers tell you to do? <b>Sam</b> appears to possibly be drunk (or maybe her face just squishes like that?). Having just found out she passed the bar, she asks Ben if he prefers boxers or "legal briefs?" In her intro package, she reveals that her father had ALS and died when she was 13. Enough said. </div>
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<b>Jubilee, </b>an army vet, gets out of the limo wearing something akin to Jennifer Lopez's infamous Grammy's dress and Ben wastes no time complimenting it (obviously because he's a nice guy and not because her boobies were going to fall out). Either way, she looks like she could kill me, so I'll stay out of her way. <b>Lace</b> (seriously?) walks right up to Ben and kisses him. Bold. Are we not even trying to hide the charade that most of these people have probably been strippers? Geez. That's a noun, not a name. </div>
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<b>Lauren R. </b>spares not a moment before telling Ben how much she has stalked him over social media over the last several months. She's allegedly a math teacher, but unless all math teachers are moonlighting as aging porn stars, I believe none of it. <b>Sushanna</b> speaks to Ben in a foreign language, but they hug, so I guess it went well. <b>Leah</b> hiked up her dress and then hiked a football at Ben. After all, he's a "catch." </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is of my nightmares. </td></tr>
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A unicorn mask pops out from behind the limo door revealing <b>Jojo</b>, who says that she does exist! She acknowledges that this might have been "disturbing" (might have??)</div>
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<b>Lauren H.</b> caught a bouquet at a wedding last weekend and brought it for Ben, which isn't the worst idea. <b>Laura</b> introduces herself as "Red Velvet." Because, why not? </div>
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<b>Mandi</b> is "28," into the organics, embraces the weird, and is wearing a giant rose hat which she offers to allow Ben to "pollinate later." Evidently, she left all of her shame at home, along with the back of her dress. </div>
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<b>Meagan</b> brought a mini-horse, and, at 30, apparently didn't get the memo about lying about our ages. </div>
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<b>Breanne</b> is a "nutritional therapist" and wastes some perfectly good baguette in her crusade against gluten. Seriously, biz? Not ok. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEhEjLYt-U_euD7z90hXFjCM4gjetCjDOsGBIfgEc7tFW8GfeHApeaPPfPflSaQKiFOKv4zSKOs4cvgkKcCsZMM7mtYJiiHIi5EwYMcoqKdGbXrW_JVB9_2r92ZFav4trc-B0QwTSNJblIay6o1DMVgdGKA-tnXgdl8FYkj7PUBqQ5XuPOL7iEAkSxafWu0oqwdbzH3wx3T8=s0-d-e1-ft" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" class="CToWUd" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEhEjLYt-U_euD7z90hXFjCM4gjetCjDOsGBIfgEc7tFW8GfeHApeaPPfPflSaQKiFOKv4zSKOs4cvgkKcCsZMM7mtYJiiHIi5EwYMcoqKdGbXrW_JVB9_2r92ZFav4trc-B0QwTSNJblIay6o1DMVgdGKA-tnXgdl8FYkj7PUBqQ5XuPOL7iEAkSxafWu0oqwdbzH3wx3T8=s0-d-e1-ft" /></a></div>
<div>
<b>Izzy</b> comes in her pajamas because she has to see if Ben is "the onesie" for her. </div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
<b>Rachel</b> comes hoverboarding over. Good thing it didn't go up in flames. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Jessica</b> feels like the luckiest girl in the world. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEiOvfudQakqKv0jl_iOP0BwnRNYk-THGwZ-F9Dor4xk8rUjow8Ud7jfNB4DRoAtLmnumocIio7DE_lzimuEksQ4xesC507qxA9qkT7w-Fb2K_pwlZqAbttDVk7zhNDdcnwHQmbKJy4q7vRoafTjd5ZL1EEbH5lGgNskD43B2SssSzBBMPpVcn7ZC2TM767Pn2XcA14saIm7=s0-d-e1-ft" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" class="CToWUd" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEiOvfudQakqKv0jl_iOP0BwnRNYk-THGwZ-F9Dor4xk8rUjow8Ud7jfNB4DRoAtLmnumocIio7DE_lzimuEksQ4xesC507qxA9qkT7w-Fb2K_pwlZqAbttDVk7zhNDdcnwHQmbKJy4q7vRoafTjd5ZL1EEbH5lGgNskD43B2SssSzBBMPpVcn7ZC2TM767Pn2XcA14saIm7=s0-d-e1-ft" /></a><b>Tiara </b>is making all single women look terrible. A "chicken enthusiast", she has her own chicken (Shelia!) that lives in her room with her, along with several framed pictures of her chickens around the house. At least she had time to stick a picture of Ben in there! But after all of that, NOT A SINGLE SHOT OF HER WITH A CHICKEN at actual Casa Bachelor! Outrage!<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
Yet ANOTHER <b>Lauren</b> (<b>LB)</b> steps out of the limo, and has absolutely no distinguishing features other than her weird, droopy face. <b>Jackie</b> is next, definitely NOT 23, and brings Ben a save-the-date.</div>
<div>
<b> </b> Last out of the limo is <b>Olivia</b>, a news anchor, bears a striking resemblance to Janice from Electric Mayhem. She tells Ben that she has a lot to say, but no word on whether or not she brought her own teleprompter.</div>
<div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6xbX2vRPrwGOZEY_0UrFGpBMTp5JB4IHj5wKj_3DNXwYFESp7IKbA6pmyZNTKWkk9OUUO5dQ-64qL3WGJDkf_h3bj0Wnh5esEVSiaM1ljmFmSP6bXOGwgh5juGdY4aODp9BsMhW2QzkhZ/s1600/ba73efd3-7c48-4f8c-86ed-5ea7da8183ce.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="122" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6xbX2vRPrwGOZEY_0UrFGpBMTp5JB4IHj5wKj_3DNXwYFESp7IKbA6pmyZNTKWkk9OUUO5dQ-64qL3WGJDkf_h3bj0Wnh5esEVSiaM1ljmFmSP6bXOGwgh5juGdY4aODp9BsMhW2QzkhZ/s320/ba73efd3-7c48-4f8c-86ed-5ea7da8183ce.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Olivia's doppleganger</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<div>
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<div>
Of course, it wouldn't be night one of the Bachelor without people showing up from previous seasons! Rounding out our merry bunch are runner-up <b>Becca</b> (virgin, may or may not like people) and <b>Amber (</b>ambiguous castoff) both from Chris's season. Of course, the other girls declare the "unfairness" of all of it and blah blah. </div>
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<br /></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEgQY188iCu88DH5_ktaZsA4yE0bzSErHMvCsve1YD626b8ApOZeB_6PVeTfw0urM1GLkUPLM9l1YAxvOKFqbT6n1SlTHgz9hgWw7d-lj6bWkHIo8TPNNsmzuQsLwhPtO6MutNqPR08wlVqHyYOUQrOZu2uURS4X8uqHT3CbmMNNIH0cl7Bt=s0-d-e1-ft" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" class="CToWUd a6T" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEgQY188iCu88DH5_ktaZsA4yE0bzSErHMvCsve1YD626b8ApOZeB_6PVeTfw0urM1GLkUPLM9l1YAxvOKFqbT6n1SlTHgz9hgWw7d-lj6bWkHIo8TPNNsmzuQsLwhPtO6MutNqPR08wlVqHyYOUQrOZu2uURS4X8uqHT3CbmMNNIH0cl7Bt=s0-d-e1-ft" tabindex="0" width="198" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lace attacks the bartender. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Definitely an interesting bunch. While all of these "ladies" are meeting Ben, we are getting acquainted with who are going to be the hot messes of the evening. Red Velvet Laura wishes that an ugly chick would show up, while Lace is shaping up to be the drunken mess of the evening, walking around declaring that no one is competition. Meanwhile, adorable Ben calls his mommy and daddy to tell them that all the girls are there. Awww!<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
But enough of this nonsense! Let's get to the one-on-ones! Some highlights included weird Mandi stealing Ben right in the middle of his welcome speech ("My wife is in this room!") in order to check to see if he was flossing, and Jojo not knowing anything about the geography of Texas. But is drunk AF Lace who makes the biggest "impression," going up to Ben and trying to make out with him again. Ben dodges this gracefully, which Lace takes to mean "he soooooo wanted me." </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
In what couldn't have been a coincidence, Harrison comes marching in soon after this with the First Impression Rose, which news anchor Olivia is more than happy to accept (has she seen the statistics for the recipients?). I mean, it takes a special person to quit their job for "love" I guess. After the First Impression Rose is given out, the girls start getting a little weepy, but before we can get too many quality sound bytes, clink-clink-clink! It's time for the rose ceremony! </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Getting roses tonight are: </div>
<div>
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<div>
Lauren B. (Beach bunny)</div>
<div>
LB (indistinguishable droopy face)</div>
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Caila </div>
<div>
Amber (ambiguous Chris castoff)</div>
<div>
Jami (black Mandy Moore)</div>
<div>
Jennifer (forgot her name) </div>
<div>
Jubilee (J.Lo boobs)</div>
<div>
Amanda (has kids, so of course)</div>
<div>
Jojo (not a scholar)</div>
<div>
Leah (dress hiker)</div>
<div>
Rachel (hoverboarder)</div>
<div>
Sam (dead parent)</div>
<div>
Jackie</div>
<div>
Haley (Thing 1)</div>
<div>
Emily (Thing 2)</div>
<div>
Shushanna (maybe speaks English?)</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=4939799295116483917" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>
Lauren H.</div>
<div>
Becca (Virgin!)</div>
<div>
Mandi (producers' choice award)</div>
<div>
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=4939799295116483917" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a>and</div>
<div>
Lace (High Drunk)! </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And so with that, we get rid of a couple of Laurens, Meagan with the horse, Laura, Bird Flu, and Breanne the Gluten Police, and we toast to another season of journeying together! </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEjfHqlfv9NEcLOye8SpgrPu6wg9uZETZxjUrZQCn3ulfhGPaxjvMWg0KuHO3rT0ognA6a8kj6tzvInEmxUDevfYvEC_4RIj7-hRP0ZVR_y-e6Kc5BbPtzrCahavsRbqkaFPRsA-TxsICrvIZ8LLBs2JUzNOzDPmfBcOcrShjh2xw962j2uNjFyJB6xmuosGI16WMmglV-F2E2HO1SzlJu57o2IhtCQ7hv1d67gT8m7kTQWUOfoN=s0-d-e1-ft" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" class="CToWUd a6T" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEjfHqlfv9NEcLOye8SpgrPu6wg9uZETZxjUrZQCn3ulfhGPaxjvMWg0KuHO3rT0ognA6a8kj6tzvInEmxUDevfYvEC_4RIj7-hRP0ZVR_y-e6Kc5BbPtzrCahavsRbqkaFPRsA-TxsICrvIZ8LLBs2JUzNOzDPmfBcOcrShjh2xw962j2uNjFyJB6xmuosGI16WMmglV-F2E2HO1SzlJu57o2IhtCQ7hv1d67gT8m7kTQWUOfoN=s0-d-e1-ft" tabindex="0" width="200" /></a>Or wait, no we do not! Lace pulls Ben away to talk to him and ask him why he didn't look at her at all during the Rose Ceremony (always a winning move), and you can see Ben instantly regret keeping her around, but we don't! Can't wait to see more of her crazy next week!<br />
<br />
So what did you think, fellow Rose Enthusiasts? I know I can't wait until next week, and until then, will be trying to remove the images of Harrison and the mini horse from my brain. Kisses! </div>
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JulientKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11155222436883944609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4939799295116483917.post-29697118506768077712015-05-29T08:55:00.000-07:002015-05-29T09:00:00.722-07:00A Little "Punch" Drunk<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuomW3T9eVC3dFuJPL6ekCFY2sB47_NYQmzlJkaqmb1_UKF0e4e_pR_VYyCTYhyphenhyphenKLRBjfPUZAInes9Y_Bw8TmitkHjo-8KuyxwM_TVI4ni89D1ipBEz_jUjUZiLrYxD8X_1n6-e0TYkEyN/s1600/Screenshot+2015-05-28+11.47.19.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuomW3T9eVC3dFuJPL6ekCFY2sB47_NYQmzlJkaqmb1_UKF0e4e_pR_VYyCTYhyphenhyphenKLRBjfPUZAInes9Y_Bw8TmitkHjo-8KuyxwM_TVI4ni89D1ipBEz_jUjUZiLrYxD8X_1n6-e0TYkEyN/s200/Screenshot+2015-05-28+11.47.19.png" width="193" /></a>Well, 24 hours into this "journey" and there is already so much drama that I am half expecting a few of the Real Housewives to show up, throw a fake Botox party, and throw some wine into somebody's face. Of course, that may be Kupah's next move, but I am getting ahead of myself.<br />
<br />
It's been an unspecified amount of time since night one, but Chris Harrison is here to visit Kaitlyn and wonder whether or not she's feeling insecure about the fact that some of the guys voted for Britt and not her, but she's pressing on, hoping to "make connections" with many more guys throughout this process. Way to keep your chin up, honey. After all, this was probably the only way you were going to be able to "find love." Oh wait...<br />
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<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
Back at Casa Bachelorette, the guys are enjoying a morning mimosa, toasting to the new Bachelorette, while essentially being divided into two camps. Jonathan, Kupah, Daniel, and Tony are still a little apprehensive because they were/are? all about #TeamBritt, but are reluctant to go home because, hey, free alcohol. Everyone else is firmly in support of #TeamKaitlyn, and various guys muse about whether or not the divide will help or hinder their chances to progress. Kupah, who was firm in his vote for Britt, even goes so far as to toast to good luck for everyone, but "no more luck than me!" Classy.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhApoFXYfiZPqRahDcky71CRtEMvU2dalVA_XHGYvado6tIFxN_YxLPdbC1X-7jHmk9BqsuFXUdVjdsoio4PUMNebcm3nuH4rfYo4b1oxxnbukHo8H4kzqsLskmo4H3t0U5KzR0UuFmnFrQ/s1600/Screenshot+2015-05-28+12.05.05.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhApoFXYfiZPqRahDcky71CRtEMvU2dalVA_XHGYvado6tIFxN_YxLPdbC1X-7jHmk9BqsuFXUdVjdsoio4PUMNebcm3nuH4rfYo4b1oxxnbukHo8H4kzqsLskmo4H3t0U5KzR0UuFmnFrQ/s200/Screenshot+2015-05-28+12.05.05.png" width="130" /></a>Oh heavens. As if we didn't get enough of Britt's ugly cry face last week, we visit her in her hotel room as she calls her mom to tell her that all of the lingerie and disproportionately peplum-ed ball gowns she bought will not be of any use for the next six weeks, and she has definitely swung the pendulum the other way, fashion-wise, dressing in a camouflage hoodie, a massive amount of plastic beaded bracelets, and high tops, which can only mean one thing, and it's that she's meeting her seventh grade BFF at Claire's to buy lip gloss. Britt, you are a grown woman. Lose the bracelets and studded leggings and make us all look better.<br />
<br />
Good news for Britt though, and it's that Brady, the "singer" and "songwriter" who eliminated himself mid-rose ceremony last week has decided to come all of this way to ask for her hand in dating. Well, isn't that sweet. And weird. Good luck to those two! I hope their "true love" lasts at least until Bachelor in Paradise.<br />
<br />
*Knock knock knock!* Chris Harrison has arrived at Casa Bachelorette to update the guys on the schej for this week. There will be two group dates and one one-on-one happening, and not everyone will be going on a date this week.<br />
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_MdmUSMNHdghv-YYoz0-N03ewDnrp5xgn7TWWDunjt0705FlP892QlQI6xnUk7TP_Dsezz-5zKvvFmyP6USnqKPGPzIKlzKgXYwZzB8TZX9LulZ7Xpduuq1Ehi8aAGPrhjQqvS79rnB0d/s1600/Screenshot+2015-05-28+12.23.50.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="126" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_MdmUSMNHdghv-YYoz0-N03ewDnrp5xgn7TWWDunjt0705FlP892QlQI6xnUk7TP_Dsezz-5zKvvFmyP6USnqKPGPzIKlzKgXYwZzB8TZX9LulZ7Xpduuq1Ehi8aAGPrhjQqvS79rnB0d/s200/Screenshot+2015-05-28+12.23.50.png" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I didn't want to go on that stupid<br />
date anyway!" - JJ</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The first date card is for Daniel, Justin, Cor(e?)y, Jared, Tanner, Kupah, Ben H, and Ben Z and it says, "I see this ending with a ring!" JJ handles his sour grapes with the maturity of a toddler throwing his juice across the floor and says. "No problem, I don't see any competition on that date anyway!" Whatever you say, Caillou.<br />
<br />
The guys are led to what appears to be an abandoned building, but what is actually filled with boxing accoutrements, because, after all, Kaitlyn is going to want a man who has "heart" and can "fight for her" and all of those things that you obviously cannot do unless you are completely ripped and are boxing your face off. Considering that a few of these guys are much more, um, developed than others, this could be super interesting. Kaitlyn introduces Laila Ali to the guys who announces that boxing is a lot like relationships, it takes work, and fitness and stuff (my words, I have no idea what she actually said), and leads the guys in various boxing exercises to size up their skills.<br />
<br />
Kaitlyn, however, isn't super into the exercise or how much effort the guys are putting into the exercise (which may be a good thing, because one of them actually broke a window with a jump rope. I didn't even know that was a thing). She is more concerned about which guys actually talk to her, which is pretty much everyone but Kupah, who is definitely in his own zone, and totally into the working out. Bad move, LL. Kaitlyn is not impressed.<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTqn9-M5CO3tjqj938pOOCZG_9i0WhlTNvfJmQCSGvNzoXB1wGFHxjlLH3-gU4C_6BjuBcyNBwmGKQZCiMh5jgb3HkOvdvYstjwzskTFSSvvBV70Be3EBxU54STTegjGRPkl55DzF2Hdni/s1600/Screenshot+2015-05-28+12.38.48.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="128" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTqn9-M5CO3tjqj938pOOCZG_9i0WhlTNvfJmQCSGvNzoXB1wGFHxjlLH3-gU4C_6BjuBcyNBwmGKQZCiMh5jgb3HkOvdvYstjwzskTFSSvvBV70Be3EBxU54STTegjGRPkl55DzF2Hdni/s200/Screenshot+2015-05-28+12.38.48.png" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ben Z is huge. I mean HUGE.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
After the training is over, Laila announces to the guys that this hasn't just been to see who has the most stamina, but that they will actually be getting into the ring and fighting each other! A collective nervous groan comes from everyone but Ben Z, who is all, "SUN'S OUT GUNS OUT!" and ready to go.<br />
<br />
Basically, the match-ups all go as would be expected, with Ben Z and his 55+ lbs more of superior strength taking him right to the finals while the other guys try not to die. Unfortunately, Jared, aka Ethan Hawke on heroin, is the sacrificial lamb who must face him in the finals and this happens.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghDLBE7OKiinBx2PnH2u9TgD__FW-XfFMLNjWANVDDVPcU7cuDqpucKYpuFsiyW-Zzs5ewmdx7LYqFeIr5BYKIFiWoDrBkzEDLLLIQGv2GxPeSdxsAlD6NA-d6mzgRKU2v_R8Gp-KDpn0A/s1600/Screenshot+2015-05-28+12.36.35.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghDLBE7OKiinBx2PnH2u9TgD__FW-XfFMLNjWANVDDVPcU7cuDqpucKYpuFsiyW-Zzs5ewmdx7LYqFeIr5BYKIFiWoDrBkzEDLLLIQGv2GxPeSdxsAlD6NA-d6mzgRKU2v_R8Gp-KDpn0A/s200/Screenshot+2015-05-28+12.36.35.png" width="158" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Is it ok that I'm still attracted<br />
to you even though you just<br />
destroyed that skinny guy?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Jared goes down to China Town, and ends up with a concussion. This is what happens when men compete! Lazy pupils and headaches. Despite these unfortunate circumstances, Kaitlyn still congratulates Ben the Brute on his victory and is going to enjoy the post-date party even though Jared can't be there.<br />
<br />
We don't see a lot of Kaitlyn's conversations with the guys at the cocktail party, but we do get to see her have a conversation with Ben Z about his dead mom, and her receive a mysterious note from someone who turns out to be Jared, fresh from the hospital, who isn't recovered enough from his ordeal to attend the party, but is definitely recovered enough to give Kaitlyn a little tongue action, which she happily accepts. But, as Jared cannot receive the date rose when he is not actually ON the date anymore, the date rose is given to the default pity story, Ben Z! Way to go!<br />
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At Casa Bachelorette, the date card for the one-on-one date has arrived and it's for Clint! Not going to lie, this date was super weird. The producers are clearly running out of ideas for "unique" dates and since Kaitlyn isn't a farmer and it isn't going to be necessary to parade people around LA on tractors, they have decided to have Clint and Kaitlyn do an underwater photo shoot, which is apparently all the rage for engagement pics. Anyone else think this is sexy? Sounds horrifically uncomfortable and dangerous to me, but that's why I'm not the Bachelorette (so I tell myself). Anyway, after going through some romantic "touching" and "breathing" ("We are heating up our inner selves!" says photographer Gisele) exercises, our two lovebirds jump right in the water. The final product turned out something like this . . .<br />
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I suppose that's better than one would think, but I'll take regular engagement photos, thanks. Clint says that the worst case scenario on the rest of their date is that they have no chemistry, but I think things like, throwing up or, I dunno, maybe gonorrhea would probably be worse. Just saying. But, way to keep those standards high, Clint! After all, love is as perennial as the grass. Or something like that. Throughout the date, Kaitlyn likes what she sees, calling Clint a "hunk of a man" and giving him the date rose without much fanfare. See you next week, buddy!<br />
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The second group date card says "Stand Up to Me" and is addressed to JJ, Jonathan, Joshua, Chris, Ian, Kentucky Joe, and Tony (yesssss!). Because JJ is at Kanye-level cocky, he is so hoping that this is a stand-up comedy date, because he's "so wanted to try it" which obviously means he's terrible at it and the producers can't wait for us to make fun of him.<br />
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JJ's prediction turns out to be correct, and the guys are led to The Improv, where their comedy stylings will be mentored by AMY SCHUMER! Excuse me while I fangirl (*squeeeeeeeeee!). Ok. That's done. Kaitlyn says that she is excited for this date because she needs her husband to have a sense of humor. Ok. Does ANYONE ever say that they aren't attracted to humor? I know I have never met anyone who said, "And I'd like whoever I date to be as humorless as a dead baby joke, thanks." Ugh.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLq9setXettez7PemeTGs3k9lr4mX2EHmudhlMRtz8J_oGYZ04TzM8XZw95zSIKQt1zYJbZ2Op0VhHk10MkXeCjEE2xdueV7Ax7frsUWaXW9xmkSbBWiazwTjmJU2seqs_s4ptLogvV838/s1600/Screenshot+2015-05-28+13.42.28.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLq9setXettez7PemeTGs3k9lr4mX2EHmudhlMRtz8J_oGYZ04TzM8XZw95zSIKQt1zYJbZ2Op0VhHk10MkXeCjEE2xdueV7Ax7frsUWaXW9xmkSbBWiazwTjmJU2seqs_s4ptLogvV838/s200/Screenshot+2015-05-28+13.42.28.png" width="174" /></a>It's JJ and his weird underbite who get the most camera time during the date, mostly because Amy cannot begin to understand how this guy could possibly be as awful as he is, especially when he shares his "killer" pick up line. "Hi, I'm JJ, I'm divorced, have a kid, and I live with my parents" and it turns out to be true. Ok. That was funny in an episode of Seinfeld, but not so much in real life, man. He also shares with Amy that he is worried that he will be smarter than the audience, and because she's awesome, she assures him that "he's not. No really, not smarter."<br />
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Clips of the guys' sets are kept to a minimum. Ian makes fun of himself for looking like the old spice guy, another one makes jokes about how he's not funny, etc. But it's Tony who either did not understand the assignment or thought he was actually being funny, but the Healer waxes on for awhile about how "blessed" he is to be here and how he's just "grateful" for this opportunity. Either he understands on some meta level that this show is a joke, or he is actually the Mayor of Butterflytown and needs to return to his people immediately.<br />
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At the after party, Kaitlyn tells the guys how "impressed" she was before proceeding to get her mack on with JJ and Ian, Joshua declaring that he's a "love virgin" and Tony comparing her to a safe that one has to caress gently rather than ram a key into (or something metaphorical like that). It's JJ who gets the date rose ("GROAAAAAAN!" says all of us) at the end though, and surprisingly enough, his head doesn't explode with pride.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Sorry not sorry, fools!"</td></tr>
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Apparently it's not enough to have gotten the date rose, because at the cocktail party the next night, JJ abandons all pre-agreed upon protocol that the three guys who didn't get dates would then get to "go first" with Kaitlyn, and snatches her right from the beginning, telling her that "her husband just wouldn't wait to spend time with her." When returning to the house, JJ is unapologetic, saying that if he was the "most hated man in the house" then so be it! After all, he's "run one guy out of the house, hopefully two tonight." Villains gotta vil, amiright??<br />
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Ian can see that he's going to need to up his pity game to stay in this, so he takes Kaitlyn outside and tells her about his traumatic accident and inspiring recovery, which earns him some more lip time.<br />
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But it's Kupah who gets the gold star of shame at tonight's proceedings when he is chatting with Jonathan about whether or not he is there to fill a black guy quota (hint: yes. yes you are.) On the one hand, kudos for being aware of the obvious. On the other hand, probably could have handled it better.<br />
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Ahem. A short dialogue.<br />
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<b>Kupah</b>: Just wanted to check and see if you remembered I am here. I mean. I didn't get a rose, so...<br />
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<b>Kaitlyn</b>: I mean, remember when you didn't talk to me at all on the boxing date?<br />
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<b>Kupah</b>: Whaaaaaaat?<br />
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<b>Kaitlyn</b>: Yeah. Interesting, because I was going to call you out on that, so nice of you to bring it up.<br />
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<b>Kupah</b>: I don't know if you were fooled by the fact that I was completely in the zone during the boxing date, but I actually hated it.<br />
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<b>Kaitlyn</b>: Sure you did. *wink wink*<br />
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<b>Kupah</b>: It's a good thing that we are here right now, because, honestly, this is the most positive interaction we've had. I mean, the first time I talked to you, I wasn't even feeling it. Probably because I was into Britt. But whatever.<br />
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<b>Kaitlyn</b>: I mean, I liked our conversation. That's why I kept you around. It's not because you're black.<br />
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<b>Kupah</b>: I mean, when I saw you on last season, I thought you were a real person, like 100, so you know..<br />
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<b>Kaitlyn</b>: Are you implying that I am not a real person? Not ok. I don't know what kind of connection you're feeling, but I was feeling it pretty much until right now. So yeah.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqwfaa461yv6EMVuVE7TFlI6ZC3Ah-G2eiGwnKB4tBbQlWIi7rdWQojDNg4qWB11_gckYsFz5wkYKLohs6ReByDnFky9g5hHZzTlc966pwthRic-GsbR-uPobodnFPo3RTJ8fCdjBeFR7a/s1600/Screenshot+2015-05-29+08.40.34.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="181" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqwfaa461yv6EMVuVE7TFlI6ZC3Ah-G2eiGwnKB4tBbQlWIi7rdWQojDNg4qWB11_gckYsFz5wkYKLohs6ReByDnFky9g5hHZzTlc966pwthRic-GsbR-uPobodnFPo3RTJ8fCdjBeFR7a/s320/Screenshot+2015-05-29+08.40.34.png" width="320" /></a><b>Kupah</b>: I didn't expect that. I mean, I want to be here. I'm committed. And you're hot. And your eyes are great. And your personality is dope. And I want to be here. I mean, we haven't even left Los Angeles yet.<br />
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<b>Kaitlyn</b>: Imma need to think about this.<br />
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So after this stellar interaction, Kupah proceeds to dig himself into a deeper hole by talking loudly about Kaitlyn to the other guys, saying that she "doesn't see him" or that he had to "figure this out right now" and Kaitlyn has had enough. In true feminist form, Kaitlyn marches out, announcing that Kupah does "not have a quiet voice" and that it is time for him to pack his bags and go. Kupah handles this with grace and maturity (*exaggerated wink*) and says that it's "pretty f***ed" that she's just letting him go when they both totally like movie quotes and she wears sweatpants and could build a relationship on that. He says "good luck" to her before walking out into the courtyard and shouting at the camera during his exit interview.<br />
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Enjoy this gem, courtesy Yahoo TV:<br />
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<a href="https://tv.yahoo.com/video/bachelorette-contestant-flips-asked-leave-070824595.html">Kupah's Exit Breakdown</a><br />
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While all of this is happening, Kaitlyn suddenly becomes concerned for whoever is in Kupah's path, makes her way out the door and we are struck with the dreaded<br />
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How will we go on until next week? I know I can't wait to find out what happens! See you then, fellow Rose Enthusiasts!<br />
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<br />JulientKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11155222436883944609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4939799295116483917.post-45781709983897460032015-05-21T15:48:00.000-07:002015-05-21T15:48:42.225-07:00Three's a Crowd! <table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDmLzbpxzzno124SEC63im_Z4m5MFJ_jOWqJoFU1UTcZVncakuewDYLdkgsiF-slADCqWBiUO6yHuvSblc5qDcAunaB-OUmNLLDhAKJScprvVBuPwJOieR4IFSwcrG68MoYRAJrufhcr8E/s1600/Screenshot+2015-03-09+21.41.12.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="208" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDmLzbpxzzno124SEC63im_Z4m5MFJ_jOWqJoFU1UTcZVncakuewDYLdkgsiF-slADCqWBiUO6yHuvSblc5qDcAunaB-OUmNLLDhAKJScprvVBuPwJOieR4IFSwcrG68MoYRAJrufhcr8E/s320/Screenshot+2015-03-09+21.41.12.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kaitlyn Britt</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well, well, well, Rose Enthusiasts! After many weeks of "speculation" and "suspense" we have our new Bachelorette! Did anyone actually think it was going to be Britt? Anyone? Anyone? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But, even though there was really no contest on who was actually going to "win" the honor of being courted by 25 guys and subjected to abject humiliation on national television, we still had to sit through THREE HOURS of footage to get to our journey's beginning. </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Last season vs. this season</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">First observations when our two contestants get out of the limo is that WOW, they toned Britt's makeup down from when she was on Chris's season. I mean, geeeeeez. Who knew she could look normal underneath the war paint she had on last season (too soon?). Second, obviously, Kaitlyn signed up for this for the free veneers. Good call, girl. Get rid of that snaggle! </span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Basically, the "before the men" package boils down to whether or not the men are going to choose "Quirky-slightly inappropriate-most likely-to-swig-beer-with-you-during-a football-game" or "My-emotional-baseline-is-somewhere-below-a-middle-school-girl-sorry-if-I-drown-you-in-my-tears." So, I suppose, it just comes down to preference. I don't understand how ANYONE who watched last season would want to choose Britt, but I suppose there has to be a colony of men living in the treetops somewhere. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But, really, let's get to what we are really looking for this season, the men! Per custom, it's the usual crop of meatheads plus some men of ambiguous race that will be vying for the heart of one of our "heroines."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The ones who get special highlight reels include</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Jonathan</b> from Detroit, who is definitely #TeamBritt, has a child of ambiguous race named Sky and is looking for a "partner in life." </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Joe </b>from Kentucky, who is filling our Chris Soules role this season. They pose him next to various farm accouterments to distract us from the fact that he is U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi. There really isn't much else to say. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Josh</b>, aka Fat Liam Hemsworth, who for a law student, the camera is focusing waaaaaay too much on his crotch. Oh wait. He's a stripper. Niiiiiice. Cut to a shot of him eating money out of a patron's mouth. Classy. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Brady</b> is a singer/songwriter, who has a "melody inside him" but true love has escaped his reach. Poor guy. Anyone else notice that we don't actually hear him singing at all except when a voiceover is playing? Interesting... </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Jared</b>, who wins the "we had to have someone sort of strange looking" because Adam Driver is a thing now spot on this season's roster, looks like a heroin-addled Ethan Hawke. Get a haircut, and decide whether you are growing a beard or shaving, because right now, you look like a middle schooler who is proud of their one facial hair. We find out that Jared has an alter-ego...LOVE MAN, complete with his own logo. His heart is <b>literally </b>on his chest. Yikes. Moving on. </span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://cdn.abclocal.go.com/content/creativeContent/images/cms/051815-tony.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://cdn.abclocal.go.com/content/creativeContent/images/cms/051815-tony.jpg" height="112" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-align: start;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">"The further I drift away in my mind, <br />the closer I seem to get." <br />- Tony on Tony<br /> </span></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Tony</b> didn't realize that we weren't writing our real ages on here, admits to being 35 and is a "healer." We see him Namastaying all over the place, complete with inverted yoga moves and a sign that says "spiritual gangster." I don't know if Team Bachelorette coerced him into kissing his plants, but the fact that he was willing to do so doesn't say much about this guy's mental state. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After this stellar roster of men is revealed, we return to Casa Bachelorette, where Britt and Kaitlyn are each waiting in the driveway for their suitors. The first limo seems to be heavily #TeamBritt, and includes <b>Ben H</b>, a software salesman, <b>Jonathan</b> from Detroit, who is channeling his inner Berry Gordy with a maroon jacket, <b>Clint, </b>an architectural engineer (are you one or the other or both?) with some serious hair issues, <b>Ryan B.</b>, who called Britt a "Disney princess," <b>Kupah</b> (WTF kind of name is this??) who looks like LL Cool J in ten years, and <b>Jared</b>, complete with his Love Man shirt. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As was to be expected, the second limo seems to be more #TeamKaitlyn, and includes <b>Brady</b>, <b>Cory, Ian, JJ</b><u style="font-weight: bold;">,</u> who takes a note from Kaitlyn's intro to Chris last season and hands her a hockey puck (she's from Canada, eh) and announces that he would like to "puck her." Nice. Another <b>Ryan</b> steps out, who is a "junkyard specialist," a guy who plays tennis whose name I didn't catch, a dancing guy, and <b>Josh</b> the stripper, who seems to offend Kaitlyn by just <i>being</i>. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The next limo includes <b>Joe</b>, who brought his own moonshine, <b>Justin, </b>who channeled his inner middle schooler by changing his voice with helium balloons, <b>Tanner</b>, who brought Britt some tissues (cause she cries a lot guys!), a hugger guy who looks like Ryan Gosling (whose name I found out later was <b>Shawn</b>), <b>Corey</b>, who evidently plays competitive beach volleyball, and our healer, <b>Tony, </b>who said the EXACT SAME THING to each girl as he came in. The look on Britt's face when she realized that he was recycling his words was priceless! </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Just wanted to do something sweet"</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Our last two men to arrive are another <b>Shawn</b>, who is an "amateur sex coach" (more on this later), and arrives in a hot tub car. Junkyard Ryan sees this and comes out to express his displeasure, mostly because he is "horned up," or what the rest of us would call "Sloppy Drunk Past the Point of No Return." Also arriving is <b>Chris</b>, a dentist, who commandeers a Cupcake Car up to the driveway. Creative. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now that we have met all of the guys, the real fun begins! Some highlights of the first conversations are a guy who has a kid named Aurelius (seriously? Who hates their kid that much??), one who brings a portrait of "the one person he knew would be on the show" (Chris Harrison riding a triceratops. No joke), and more of Ryan, who is getting more and more inebriated by the minute. In fact, Sex Guru Shawn decides to confront him about his throwing shade at the hot tub car, but all he gets in return is a "Why do you suck??" from his opponent. "Well played," said no one. Later, Ryan forcibly grabs Kaitlyn's behind and declares it "Ryan approved" before he gets a one-way ticket from the bouncer to the reject van. Even Casa Bachelorette has standards people! You have to ASK before you can take a handful of these things! </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Britt is totally fine!"<br /><br /> </td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Before long, it's time for the vote. As expected, it appears to be pretty split between Kaitlyn and Britt, but ultimately, the winner is.... KAITLYN! YAY! Chris Harrison takes Britt aside to tell her the bad news, and she, of course, starts crying, saying that she "didn't see that coming" and embarks on her next journey via the Reject Limo. When Harrison tells Kaitlyn, however, he insists that Britt "is good" "fine" "totally supportive" of her winning. Sure she is.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After it is revealed to the men that Kaitlyn is the #1 draft pick, everyone who was formerly #TeamBritt is quickly seeing their chances of free vacations slip away and are quickly making excuses for why they picked her and rapidly changing their mind about why they would be ok "settling" for Kaitlyn. Tony, however, is a little unsure, wondering if since he was "Standing in line at the other drinking fountain, maybe it's time to go dig his own well." Whatever that means. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In the following hours, Kaitlyn proceeds to chat with the guys and makes out with Chris the dentist and Ryan Gosling look-alike Shawn (who also received the First Impression Rose). I'm not sure I have ever seen a double make out on night one! Wow, Kaitlyn. You are wasting no time! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">*clink clink clink*! Alas, all good things must come to an end, and it's time for the first Rose Ceremony. The suspense tonight comes down to whether or not the men who voted for Britt will get to stick around, and it seems as though a few of them do. Along with Shawn, the men we will be journeying with this season will be</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Chris the Dentist</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Ben H</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>JJ</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Moonshine Joe</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>LL Kupah J</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Daniel (no idea who that is)</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Ryan B</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Joshua</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Tony</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">[At this point, Brady interrupts the Rose Ceremony to tell Kaitlyn that his heart remains with Britt, and he is off to find her. Good luck, man.]</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Clint</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Corey St</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Jonathan (token black guy)</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Cory Sh</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Ben Z</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Tanner</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Ian</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Justin (Angelina Jolie look alike)</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>and LOVE MAN JARED! Yes!</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Out in the cold are <b>Sex Guru Shawn, a nameless dude of an ambiguous race, Bradley, and some other guy with facial hair. </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well, that was a LONG night one, and I am glad to be back to our regularly scheduled format starting next week! Hope you'll be along for what looks like it'll be an entertaining ride! Hugs and kisses! </span><br />
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JulientKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11155222436883944609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4939799295116483917.post-87000598098784749262015-03-10T18:55:00.004-07:002015-03-10T18:56:07.254-07:00A Dramatic Conclusion<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFPdzFEh8-rcFrjGrDeqaP-EJKrYYaQX6hn1H_RuZG5HdmjEvjfiwbPjE5nV14s6BGB5Q25R4uLYqOieAIDc7uPpQDTIN2ubiVBLrgy-tkBybUeQ1YgF0Ab_fllWuwOGt1pIvxyRH7TpIm/s1600/bach.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFPdzFEh8-rcFrjGrDeqaP-EJKrYYaQX6hn1H_RuZG5HdmjEvjfiwbPjE5nV14s6BGB5Q25R4uLYqOieAIDc7uPpQDTIN2ubiVBLrgy-tkBybUeQ1YgF0Ab_fllWuwOGt1pIvxyRH7TpIm/s1600/bach.png" /></a>Welcome, Rose Enthusiasts to what is sure to be a very long three hours of television! It is the night we have all been waiting for - THE FINALE! After avoiding spoilers for months and months and months, I would like to <strike>shame</strike> thank my #1 Fan, Rylee Nutall, for spoiling the ending for me on Saturday. Thanks, Rylee! But, that's not going to stop me from walking you through the end of this train wreck. It's the least we can do after all of this time wasted together, right?<br />
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We pick up Chris's journey back in Arlington, IA, where Chris is trekking through some winter snow in an impeccably tailored pea coat using words like "unsure," "on the fence," and "50/50" to describe his current state of mind. This sounds like a man prepped for wedlock, amiright??? There's nothing more flattering than knowing that you are the lesser of two evils when having a husband choose you!<br />
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Before we get to the final dates though, Chris sits down with his family for the first time and is still a little wishy-washy when his mom asks him if he's in love. After all, it is difficult to say you're in love when you are falling in love with two different people.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"We love Whitney!" - Chris's family</td></tr>
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In what is a wise move on the part of the producers, the final date does not take place in Arlington, but in larger city Dubuque, and this is where we find Whitney, who is planning on telling Chris's family how much she is in love with Chris in order to guarantee their approval. When Chris's family finds out that Whitney and Chris made a baby in a lab on their hometown date, she is declared the winner! Apparently fertility is highly regarded in the Soules family.<br />
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Whitney has some alone time with the sisters, she wastes no time winning them over (picture a family floating in the air with drool coming out of their mouths at everything she says), but when the sisters sit down with Chris afterward, rather than affirming how much he enjoys Whitney, he gushes to them about how much he likes Becca. Ouch!<br />
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When Becca meets the Soules clan, the reception isn't as warm as was with Whitney. I know that we are supposed to think that Becca is awful for wanting to be sure about whether or not she's actually in love with Chris before she says she loves him or that she wants to you know, be engaged and stuff before she packs her things and moves to a midwestern wasteland, but really is that so bad? You have known this guy for six weeks, you have spent a total of what, maybe 24 hours together total in that time, and you are supposed to know that you are getting married? I am certainly not faulting Becca for being a little reserved. The sisters, on the other hand, give Chris some straight talk about Becca's reservations. Chris tells them that he didn't want to give up on Becca because he wants to sleep with her still. JK! He didn't say that, but we know that's what he meant when he said that there were a few things about Becca he still wanted to explore!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjk7A_DLUuzW5_H5hyG149VMV5M8oUlUK8sWaJRuD0Q8eG18RjEJ3H548XbXBY5eRyEwYgR3mfUkYKMEnmiKhuKDiBqukgGBXagbGcxS8dpQTdyz45a3i4v5ER6FkCYrSh92r9GRv33TWkK/s1600/fml.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjk7A_DLUuzW5_H5hyG149VMV5M8oUlUK8sWaJRuD0Q8eG18RjEJ3H548XbXBY5eRyEwYgR3mfUkYKMEnmiKhuKDiBqukgGBXagbGcxS8dpQTdyz45a3i4v5ER6FkCYrSh92r9GRv33TWkK/s1600/fml.jpg" height="126" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Why me??"</td></tr>
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The last chance dates are also taking place in Dubuque, and they could not have been more different. Since Whitney won the coin toss and got to meet the parents first, Becca gets to lead off here. The two of them head straight into a hotel room (are the producers still hoping that Becca loses her virginity on national television??) Basically, Becca feels bad that she isn't all the way in love with Chris, and Chris wants to find out what is standing in the way of Becca deciding whether or not she is ready to be with him. No conclusion is reached, and Becca isn't able to resolve any of her misgivings, and you can pretty much see in Chris's face that it's over. That and that he cannot believe that he kept her around because he could maybe sleep with her. The date ends with crying, an awkward kiss goodnight, and Chris rubbing his eyes in frustration.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"800 Acres!? That's at least<br />
eight square meals a day!"</td></tr>
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When it's Whitney's turn for her last chance, Chris takes her to . . . harvest corn? Seriously? That's what they're doing for this date? Did the producers use the entire budget for Bachelor in Paradise that we normally would take for these dates? I mean, there is not a boat to jump off of in sight! Anyway, Chris and Whitney ride together in a huge farm implement and watch it gather corn to be taken back to the farm and dried and Whitney is touched. "I mean, just that he chose me to see this today, that's just, really special, you know?" No, Whitney, I don't know. Attention potential gentlemen callers! There will be no dates involving corn harvesting or shucking! Thank you. Then again, when Chris tells us "everything the light touches, is my kingdom!" ( or at least 800 acres of it is anyway) even Ichabod Crane is ready to sign up, so can we blame Whitney for drooling in anticipation of being Queen of Pride Rock? Not really. This date ends much better than Becca's date, with Whitney again declaring how ready she is to be all in and blah blah, so is there really any question who Chris is going to choose?<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Last chance to see these 'abs'"</td></tr>
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I know you were worried, friends, but we got one last shirtless pic of Chris on the day of the final rose ceremony. Thank you, producers. I was really missing the outdoor shower. But before we can get to the end of the road, it's time to visit with Neil Lane! Nice to see you, Neil! Chris picks out the obligatory skating rink (exactly how practical is a 3-carat on a farm?) and sends Neil on his way.<br />
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It's the moment we have all been waiting for! "Let's find out together!" says Chris Harrison. I'm sorry, don't you already know who won? Weren't you there? Chris is waiting with the limo, and first out is . . . . Becca, wearing Morticia Addams's shroud dyed crimson. Yiiiiiikes. Poor choice, poor choice. But, we have bigger things to worry about than her dress, because as we know, first out of the limo means you are on the<a href="http://www.homestarrunner.com/answer9.html"> Alone Train to Alonesville, making stops at Ex-Girlfriend Junction and West Breaking Up With You</a>! The producers must know it too, because they don't even make Becca speak first, giving the typical "hail Mary" speech. Chris basically tells her that he would have picked her, but "she's just not ready" and, maybe for the first time in Bachelor history, Becca looks nothing short of relieved. She continues with her flat affect in the limo, intoning boring syllables about her boring choice and how boring she is and how boring this episode has been. Enjoy your fringe medical career, Becca!<br />
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All that is left to do is to get Whitney out there and put that ring on it! Whitney comes up and is visibly shaking as she waits, telling Chris, "I love you and I am so scared right now!" You needn't be afraid, toots, because Chris is ready to pack it up and move with you to the farm! After a few minutes, Chris is down on one knee asking Whitney to marry him, and it takes her a hot second to say, "OMG YESSSSSSSSSSS!" And thus ends this season's journey.<br />
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Now that that's out of the way, here is a more important dilemma: BRITT or KAITLYN? That's right, everyone, the potential Bachelors are going to choose who gets to be the Bachelorette when the show returns in May! I don't know how I feel about that. Honestly, it would probably be more interesting to watch one of them get eaten by a bear and the other gets to be the Bachelorette, but as that seems unlikely to occur, I'll take what I can get.<br />
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It has been a pleasure recapping this season for you, and you can bet I'll be back for more debauchery and crushed dreams come May! Kisses!<br />
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<br />JulientKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11155222436883944609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4939799295116483917.post-87723404244108429032015-03-03T10:31:00.004-07:002015-03-03T10:32:45.593-07:00The Farmer Takes the HotseatWelcome back to the Bachelor blog, Rose Enthusiasts! I have been overwhelmed with both work and a wedding, and am happy to be back with you for this season's edition of "The Women Hate Kelsey!" But, before we get to that, let's discuss a few highlights that we missed over the last couple of weeks.<br />
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1) Jade. I mean, need I say more about this? In what universe (or at least one that's being broadcast on a major network) is it EVER a good idea to sit down with a potential suitor and check out your internet nudes? If the "check out how hot I am" look on her face during this whole "shameful" situation is any indication, it probably won't be the last time she does it. Anyway, yikes. </div>
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2) Britt. I am slightly obsessed with the fact that there was no reject limo to pick Britt up after she was removed from the running so we had to practically see her decide whether to be awash in a puddle of her own snot or burn the house down. Definitely on par with the Jason Mesnick balcony cry as far as dramatic excellence goes. </div>
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3) How AMAZING was the sigh that Chris emitted when Becca told him she's a virgin? I mean, underground mole people could have heard that thing. Glad he "respects" that though. *wiiiiiink*</div>
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Enough of that though, let's get to this! Chris Harrison is in the confession chair, and the women are lined up and ready to tell us everything! This evening, we will be hearing from . . . Nikki (who?), Trina, Juelia (widow), Tara (drunkorexic), Amber (token woman of color), Megan (thinks New Mexico is a foreign country), Samantha (cardboard cutout), Jordan (drunken twerker), Ashley S (Onion Girl), Jillian (censor bar), Kelsey (Black Widow), Britt, Mackenzie (named kid after vegetable), Ashley I (her mouth is not a virgin), Jade (super naked), Carly, and Kaitlyn (for Bachelorette!). All the women get cheers, except for Kelsey, of course, who looks amused by the audience's disdain. </div>
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<a href="https://s.yimg.com/cd/resizer/2.0/FIT_TO_WIDTH-w500/5e68de8386222a878bae26d56f79f8b7d86c390b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="178" src="https://s.yimg.com/cd/resizer/2.0/FIT_TO_WIDTH-w500/5e68de8386222a878bae26d56f79f8b7d86c390b.jpg" width="320" /></a>We began with a general montage of drama from the season, and it was brilliant. After it's done, the camera pans to Britt who is - surprise surprise - tearing up. She immediately turns to Carly and is all "Girl, why did you pretend to be my friend? I mean, we were braiding each other's hair and stuff, and you just said all of that!" This essentially devolves into a lot of blame casting, where Britt basically tries to find out why Carly "thought she was evil" in order to avoid the real issue, which is that she is fakety fake fake fake.<br />
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Harrison intervenes and brings Britt up to the front. Carly tries to explain to Britt that she was the third person who told Chris that she was fake, but Britt isn't having it and says it doesn't matter. Jillian is also not on board with this explanation, and attempts to defend Britt, while also shouting that Carly bashed her by saying that Jillian has male genitalia, and that that also soured her relationship with Chris. Yikes, even in the Bachelorverse, that's pretty low. Jillian continues to yell about how Britt is the most pure-hearted person she's ever met (Britt's pageant cry here was glorious) until Harrison finally tells her to calm it down. It was so intense, that the arguing continued even after the commercial break. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Don't drag me into this."</td></tr>
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When we return, Carly attempts to explain the "Britt doesn't want to be in Arlington" comment she made to Chris, and Britt basically does everything except deny that she said that she'd rather marry an orangutan than live in Arlington ("so many stories about me!" she laments), and as it becomes clear that this is the least productive conversation since Donald Trump last spoke with a barber, Harrison brings it full circle and asks Britt why she came on the show. With a giant sob, she says that she was "this close" to finding love. Ok, I don't know if I believe anything of what she says, but whether or not she wants to live in Iowa doesn't excuse her completely psycho behavior at the last cocktail party. No one wants crazy, and girl was crazy. </div>
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When we return from the commercial break and we get to see a little off the record whining from Britt, where she basically tells Harrison that she totally was going to win and it was all Carly's fault and blah blah. Please. Let the man alone and follow the nice man with the boom back to your seat.<br />
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Next up, Kelsey! After we get a summary of her less-than-flattering behavior, she declares that she is "betrayed," and like she is "grieving all over again" like when her husband died (What? He died??). Yeah, being a total witch on a reality show and then having people find out about it is exaaaaaactly the same. Harrison throws her a softball and asks her why she thinks the women dislike her so much, and she says that she's "heard a lot of reasons" like that she "uses big words" and is "condescending" but launches into a speech about how she "wasn't respectfully told" how she was coming across and how she just "wants to be accepted, warts and all."<b> *pause for vomit break*</b> Chris then asks her if she thinks she is better than the other women, and she says, "How do you evaluate humanity? I know I am different, and I just wanted to advocate for myself." The best part about all of this is that the women tried to interrupt at least five times, with Harrison shutting it down at least twice. Man, they REALLY don't like her, and it is great! </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Is she for real?"</td></tr>
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When the floor is opened up to the women, Juelia goes first and says that she has "literally never met anyone more fake in her entire life" and basically says that being a widow is no excuse for being a troll. Megan also jumps in here and says that her father passed away in the same way as Kelsey's husband, and that her mom was particularly offended by the way that Kelsey spoke of her husband, and that grieving shouldn't be an excuse, because if she was grieving, why would she even be there? There is more mud slung about, with Samantha (who is evidently not a cardboard cutout) saying that she thinks that Kelsey's fake panic attack was the reason she went home, and a few of the other girls saying that no rose at all is better than a "sympathy rose." The segment concludes with Kelsey asking for "forgiveness" and Ashley I. not accepting her apology, and Kelsey going on and on and on again about how "amazing" she is and how "strong" and how "fake..." Oh wait, sorry, that last one was me. The whole segment was worth its weight in reaction shots, which is why I suspect we got to see Kelsey again even after the "Kelsey Tells All" special a few weeks ago.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'm growing onions now."</td></tr>
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Ashley S. is in the hot seat next, and my goodness, she's a hot mess. We got to see some never-before-seen Ashley footage, and let me tell you, the shot of her with an axe was particularly terrifying. She brings Chris an onion and explains that the onion tree looked so fake. And Mesa Verde is cool. And she found the gamblers. And she was bored. And the cats didn't talk back to her. And she likes to ride bikes. This is her. Harrison then says what we're all thinking and asks her to be on Bachelor in Paradise (#YOPO) and she responds, "it's just so weird that we are on TV." Ashley S., ladies and gentlemen! </div>
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Next up is Jade, who doesn't have much to say except that she doesn't believe that Chris really didn't send her home because of the Playboy pics (we don't either, Jade.) Kaitlyn is interviewed after Jade, and she, too, is confused about why Chris let her go. I genuinely feel bad for her, because Chris broke the number one Bachelor sin, which is that he told Kaitlyn that he was falling in love with her. Funny that they'll let the Bachelor sleep with whoever he wants, but love? That's off the table! In any case, no one deserves to have someone say that to them and then get dumped, so I feel you, girl! </div>
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It's the moment we have all been waiting for! Chris is here everyone! Naturally, Britt practically bounds off the couch, and this conversation takes place:<br />
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<b>Britt</b>: *awkward hug*<br />
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<b>- 20 minutes later - </b><br />
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<b>Britt</b>: I am so proud of you for letting me go. I would have done the same thing if I had been fooled by Carly. I mean, what a hosebeast, right?<br />
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<b>Chris</b>: No, I pretty much wanted to get as far away from you as I possibly could. So, no hard feelings, K?<br />
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<b>Britt</b>: *exhaustive sob* <br />
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It was glorious. Next up was Jade, whose conversation went sort of like this:<br />
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<b>Jade:</b> Why did you say you were disturbed by my nudes? That was hurtful.<br />
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<b>Chris</b>: I mean,Yeah. I've never done that before so... But I promise I didn't dump you because of that. Aww, shucks. I'm cute.<br />
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<b>Jade</b>: Ok. I believe you.<br />
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The best announcement of the night, however, came after Chris's interview and the blooper reel, which is that CHRIS HARRISON HAS WRITTEN A ROMANCE NOVEL. Has Christmas come early? I think so! You can bet your sweet life I'll be reading and reviewing what is sure to be a behemoth disaster.<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqeqc9CyFv4UETum0I3LGuM5_S8HqfxW14SIGgDsgHqCgbijtsw5wXCGYheuFdQvuebuCmJkEbc7GTJj-T8Yo9MIw_LPMrvphvSGayLW7K1WPigmLPT-XsPOE4H0tsVnfcKE9lmLV57BXG/s1600/Untitled.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqeqc9CyFv4UETum0I3LGuM5_S8HqfxW14SIGgDsgHqCgbijtsw5wXCGYheuFdQvuebuCmJkEbc7GTJj-T8Yo9MIw_LPMrvphvSGayLW7K1WPigmLPT-XsPOE4H0tsVnfcKE9lmLV57BXG/s1600/Untitled.png" height="238" width="320" /></a><br />
Until next week, faithful Rose Enthusiasts, I'll be touching up my pageant crying skills. Kisses!<br />
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JulientKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11155222436883944609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4939799295116483917.post-84145872418153453712015-02-10T22:13:00.002-07:002015-02-11T11:30:43.311-07:00I can't regret what I did for "love." <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFPdzFEh8-rcFrjGrDeqaP-EJKrYYaQX6hn1H_RuZG5HdmjEvjfiwbPjE5nV14s6BGB5Q25R4uLYqOieAIDc7uPpQDTIN2ubiVBLrgy-tkBybUeQ1YgF0Ab_fllWuwOGt1pIvxyRH7TpIm/s1600/bach.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFPdzFEh8-rcFrjGrDeqaP-EJKrYYaQX6hn1H_RuZG5HdmjEvjfiwbPjE5nV14s6BGB5Q25R4uLYqOieAIDc7uPpQDTIN2ubiVBLrgy-tkBybUeQ1YgF0Ab_fllWuwOGt1pIvxyRH7TpIm/s1600/bach.png" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">NO TIME FOR AN INTRO THIS WEEK! KELSEY IS ON THE FLOOR!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I knew this episode was going to be great the minute the music started. I would like to say that I was completely turned off by the overdramatics, but I loved every second of it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So Kelsey is "panicking" and the other girls are supremely unconcerned. They didn't even get off the couch or bother to find out if she's ok. Becca sums up what we are all thinking when she says that she and the other girls are trying to figure out which part of her apparent breakdown is real, and which part is manipulative. The paramedic eventually asks Kelsey what her pain rating is, and she says that she's not in any pain, but would like to see Chris, which, of course, everyone is more than willing to allow her to do. You can almost see the satisfaction in her crazy eyes that her evil scheme is succeeding. She actually starts cackling to the paramedic about how she had better get a rose for all of this trouble.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Mwahahaha!"</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjx4gNuCMYXil-pJ8oYukiUh-XHDbEPczXTod-Q8Ntx0RdQrcc5Afz9iwUPHU7ExXo4_ZPypYCc713mPx35Tozp9_mRgpl23fbYCRLLlKJd4yLQ9qUOKFKmkqP3pJ4Xa3VEzj_DSA_tjHg_/s1600/Screenshot+2015-02-09+19.46.09.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjx4gNuCMYXil-pJ8oYukiUh-XHDbEPczXTod-Q8Ntx0RdQrcc5Afz9iwUPHU7ExXo4_ZPypYCc713mPx35Tozp9_mRgpl23fbYCRLLlKJd4yLQ9qUOKFKmkqP3pJ4Xa3VEzj_DSA_tjHg_/s1600/Screenshot+2015-02-09+19.46.09.png" height="194" width="200" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"You go, Kelsey!" - Alex's ghost</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When Chris comes in, Kelsey totally throws the blame for her "anxiety" squarely on Chris's shoulders, saying that she had "no idea" that he would use their conversation as an excuse to cancel the cocktail party, thus making him apologize profusely, help her up, compliment her looks - in short, he doesn't just walk into her trap, he effing <i>careens</i>. I mean, Glenn Close might as well have been there to high five her crazy face when this performance was over.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What was even more disgusting was Kelsey telling the girls all about how her "emotional burden" was just too much and that she fainted and how she was "saying such ridiculous things" while she was delirious on the floor (there were brownies mentioned). She ends this "roller coaster" by saying that the one feeling that she feels tonight is "happiness." Oooook, psycho.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Side note: Anyone else think that Samantha must be the most boring person on the planet? She was literally the only person who didn't weigh in on Kelsey's "predicament." In fact, I'm not sure we've seen her speak one time. I mean, maybe she's just a cardboard cutout and there's not really an eleventh person in the room?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So we finally get to the rose ceremony, and the roses go to Jade, Kaitlyn, Megan, Becca, Ashley, and Kelsey! I am actually going to miss Mackenzie. She was such a delightful little weirdo. And Samantha is being sent home, but who cares about that? "I feel sorry for the girls who are going home tonight. They should be worried. They wasted their time," proclaims Kelsey.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Do you see this face?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am not happy."</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now that that's over, the main action this week is actually taking place in South Dakota, somewhere in the Black Hills, home of Wild Bill Hickock, Calamity Jane, and the like. Chris can't wait for the girls to show their "wild west." Carly is really excited to be there with "eight charming women, and Kelsey will be there also." Ooooh! Shots fired! Kelsey, meanwhile, is really hoping that her efforts have paid off, because she is convinced that this is her week for a one-on-one. Well, too bad, biotch, because the one-on-one is going to ... BECCA! Can we get a producer in here to pick Kelsey's jaw up off the floor? Thanks.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When Chris meets Becca for their date, it is revealed that they will be horseback riding, complete with pack mule, to a giant castle. Must have been boring, because all of a sudden, we are . . .</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Back at the hotel, the girls, especially Carly, have decided that it is time to do something about Kelsey and her shenanigans. When Kelsey comes in though, it's Whitney who speaks first, saying that she was put off by Kelsey's laughing during the last rose ceremony. "I didn't start laughing," Kelsey says. "YES YOU DID!" says Carly. Kelsey proceeds to tell the girls (while significantly overenunciating all of her words) that she was simply "emotionally fragile" and felt "very unsafe" after Chris's unceremonious exit from the cocktail party. Carly then calls Kelsey on her saying how <strike>un</strike>happy she was going to be about other girls going home, and Kelsey makes more excuses, saying that her panic attack was "terrifying." Carly tries again, using the tried and true, "what Chris is seeing is different than what we are seeing" and Kelsey feigns surprise, saying that she is "embarrassed" by the girls perception of her. To the camera, however, she is singing a different tune.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Finally, someone more unwelcome</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">than me!" - Herpes</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"I get it." she says. "I am blessed with eloquence. I am articulate, and I use a lot of big words because I'm smart. I didn't go through this s*it to be defeated. I came here to win it." R U kidding me!? Scorching cases of the herp are subtler than this chick.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The editors have now remembered that this is a show about Chris, and we return to Chris and Becca's date, where they are sitting around the fire. Apparently it's going ok. "This date is going fantastic because Becca is . . . fantastic," says our wordsmith. The two bond over discussing where they see themselves in five years, and Becca goes on to tell Chris about her previous relationship where her strong feelings weren't reciprocated, and this makes Becca feel "safe." But is she safe enough to tell him she's a virgin? We'll have to wait and see because knock-knock! A date card has arrived!</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3FYzjPMlwSej51KeI4M_CO-PFw_U4F5OIeWCl-pB65rsFvwaK2hrUIULo9DnRJqcroa5hI_PfxHxFnvt1VDZhZxjVbuXPRAzDtGncuHhurp0saOWrGHPYDQtiUZahqsoNENunl1q0e6Wt/s1600/Screenshot+2015-02-09+21.54.09.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3FYzjPMlwSej51KeI4M_CO-PFw_U4F5OIeWCl-pB65rsFvwaK2hrUIULo9DnRJqcroa5hI_PfxHxFnvt1VDZhZxjVbuXPRAzDtGncuHhurp0saOWrGHPYDQtiUZahqsoNENunl1q0e6Wt/s1600/Screenshot+2015-02-09+21.54.09.png" height="256" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The reason we shouldn't be surprised Chris has fallen</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">into all of the producers traps. Seriously? </span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Kaitlyn looks downright giddy when she opens it and reads everyone else's names except Kelsey and Ashley, because that means the two of them will be going on the 2-on-1! "Being on a 2-on-1 date with Kelsey would be terrifying." she tells the camera. "I am so excited to see who comes home." We all are, girl. We all are.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I would write more about Chris and Becca's date, but since she gets the rose, I won't. Chris seems into her enough, so she might actually be a contender.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Time for a group daaaaaaate! I have to say that the thing I am looking forward to most about it is not having to type Kelsey's name for at least a paragraph. Oops. Oh well. Anyway, the group travels to a saloon where Chris announces that they will be composing some country songs today! And look who is with them! It's Big and Rich! Everyone is super into the date except Jade, who is a resident of the "struggle bus." In order to make her more comfortable, Big Kenny takes her running down main street, and now she is feeling a little more open and in a "comfortable" place. Aww. That's nice. Thanks, Big Kenny!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That feeling is short lived, however, because Chris and Britt can barely keep their hands off each other, and it is making Jade and all of the girls super uncomfortable. "It's hard to write a love song about somebody when he's clearly into someone else." Clearly, Jade has never listened to country music. After a beer break, it's time for the girls to perform, but not before Chris sings a song about them. I think it goes without saying that it was the worst, from the appalling lyrics (he rhymed "prairie" with "marry" ...eesh) to Chris's strained vocals, to the Gimli impersonator accompanying him on the banjo. All of it, horrifying.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Faring a little better was Britt, who at least could carry a bit of a tune, and even made Chris cry a little. The best (besides Carly, who is actually a singer and was pretty impressive) was Kaitlyn, who turned hers into a rap, complete with bleeped lyrics. Believe it or not, Whitney's voice manages to get more annoying during her song, and Becca and Jade are mostly forgettable. Chris asserts that he will be smiling for at least a week and a half after this date. Well, duh. I'd be pretty pleased too if people were writing songs and performing them in my honor.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After the performances, Chris and the girls gather at a bar for a bit of an after party. Stealing the show, of course, is Britt, who immediately is whisked away by Chris right around the time that the girls are wondering where the rose is. This is of course, unwelcome news for the other girls, who are straight up jelly of Chris and Britt Britt's connection. Let's be honest, they probably should be, because not only does Chris take Britt to see Big and Rich performing, but he also gives her a rose on stage in front of a very large crowd. Of course, she accepts, and spews some drivel about her "virgin country music" experience and how this was his way of "welcoming her into his world" and such. I don't know about you, but I thought that even in the Bachelor universe this is a bit of an a-hole maneuver. Would it have been that difficult to take all of the girls to see Big and Rich? Did he have to abandon them basically without a word for over an hour and then come back and announce that he gave Britt the rose? Unimpressive.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2gH1ROb8qdxlBdnsCRJbIOSETL1K5TrFIN7VufMCB2njTa2y6IZ6s3mSKXwJ7I8Ul_IVMHZ9MmPATPASns74Xk_3EQXvKRgnJ2qz2K3EjcsdzABlRaCMIT3dpmXvKQhZ45pmLF8NEKLNc/s1600/Photo+Feb+09,+9+23+42+PM.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2gH1ROb8qdxlBdnsCRJbIOSETL1K5TrFIN7VufMCB2njTa2y6IZ6s3mSKXwJ7I8Ul_IVMHZ9MmPATPASns74Xk_3EQXvKRgnJ2qz2K3EjcsdzABlRaCMIT3dpmXvKQhZ45pmLF8NEKLNc/s1600/Photo+Feb+09,+9+23+42+PM.jpg" height="180" width="200" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"It's hard to be a winner." </span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The girls can barely contain their disdain for Britt when she returns, and seem to actually be more upset that she got to see Big and Rich when she hates country music than they do about the fact that she's the one who got the rose. "We can't help but feel humiliated, and you can't help but feel that this is the best thing that's ever happened to you," Kaitlyn vents. Britt might actually be as big of an evil genius as Kelsey. She's certainly smug enough. *Cue montage of all of the girls crying*</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We are now 90 minutes into the episode and we have finally come to what we have all been waiting for: Kelsey and Ashley's epic battle over who is less awful and gets to leave in a slightly more humiliating fashion than everyone else. Ashley is hella confident going into it, even going so far as to start singing "Ding dong! The witch is dead!" which can only be a bad sign for her, as such declarations inevitably are.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLDzu9T154KMNkz8wiznoTkubBgqNhO4RgBGbklRzDXnCFnis_5H8xln7pUUy_aHI5ujpOM3sOem4Ue1tO2QQlcXoi1N9IHmHM1QjwuYhxIp7PeMF4Ls32szriGBnt_GDvzGPx0hBzWsNw/s1600/Photo+Feb+09,+9+30+10+PM.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLDzu9T154KMNkz8wiznoTkubBgqNhO4RgBGbklRzDXnCFnis_5H8xln7pUUy_aHI5ujpOM3sOem4Ue1tO2QQlcXoi1N9IHmHM1QjwuYhxIp7PeMF4Ls32szriGBnt_GDvzGPx0hBzWsNw/s1600/Photo+Feb+09,+9+30+10+PM.jpg" height="100" width="200" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The ancient Egyptians carved this</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">face into the walls. Underneath</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">they wrote, "can't even" in</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">hieroglyphics. </span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The date begins with a helicopter ride over Mt. Rushmore, where Kelsey reminds us which presidents are featured there. "She was annoying the crap out of me!" says Ashley, and surmises that maybe Kelsey's strategy was to drive her completely insane.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Eventually, the trio is abandoned in a desolate dirt plain that is probably the resting place of one of Laura Ingalls Wilder's dogs from when her family left Wisconsin and headed to the prairie. I mean seriously, it is bleak. Fortunately, production at least set up a jaunty cabana for them to sit in, thus ensuring that though there may be an impending cat fight, they won't be uncomfortable when it goes down. Seriously though, that's literally all this date is. A bed in the desert. As if it couldn't be more obvious that they are supposed to start clawing each others' faces off.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://img.pandawhale.com/43450-Giraffe-tongue-gif-H85A.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="http://img.pandawhale.com/43450-Giraffe-tongue-gif-H85A.gif" height="149" width="200" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Actual shot of Ashley kissing Chris. </span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Chris takes Ashley aside first, and she immediately engages him in some aggressive kissing. Ugh, Ashley! We know you're a virgin, but this giraffe-like</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">kissing business is not going to take care of that anytime soon. Once Chris finally breaks free, they engage in a short dialogue. Ahem, allow me to summarize.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Chris</b>: So, how are things in the house?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Ashley</b>: So great, zero drama. I mean, except Kelsey. She's a total ho muffin. I mean, she's like, totally fake and stuff.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Chris</b>: Oh really. Well. Good. I mean, I don't want to marry a fake ho muffin.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Ashley</b>: Good, because we all agreed I would be the anti-Kelsey ambassador. Glad you took this so well.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Then, Chris rows his douche canoe right over to Kelsey, and this conversation takes place.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Chris</b>: So, how are things going in the house?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Kelsey</b>: It's hard and stuff. I mean, getting along is getting harder. But you know, I'm a widow - don't know if I've mentioned it in the last 30 seconds - and I'm prepared to be a wife because I've been one. So there's that.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Chris</b>: Yeah. Ashley told me the girls think you're a total hosebeast.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Kelsey</b>: What?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Chris</b>: Would you prefer "gremlin"? Fine. Ashley told me you're a gremlin. But it was definitely Ashley. She just told me right now. I mean, I just want to make sure you know exactly who it was who tattled on you. Ashley. A-S-H-L-E-Y.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Kelsey</b>: I don't know what this is about. I mean, I am just not lost in the competitiveness of this. This is your choice and my choice. I would really hate for you to let go of our potential because of "girl talk." ("Girl talk" is said with the same tone one might say "tapeworm.")</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After Chris leaves to do some thinking, Kelsey lashes out at the camera, shouting, "I just got thrown under the bus! This is hurtful! I mean, she's a Kardashian who didn't get to go on her princess date with way too much makeup on to be genuine! She is desperate! I am going to remember that she is playing a game, but I am not." Ok, so when you said earlier that you were going to "win" did you just mean, "succeed amicably?"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When the two of them are seated on the random bed, Kelsey turns to Ashley.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Kelsey</b>: I know what you did.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Ashley</b>: What did I do?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Kelsey</b>: I do not appreciate it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Ashley</b>: What did I do?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Kelsey</b>: If you can't remember the conversation you had with Chris, it obviously meant nothing to you.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Ashley</b>: OK. You think I'm not as smart as you because I don't use big words. Please. I went to grad school too, and if you don't think I can see through you, you're frigging hilarious.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Kelsey</b>: I still respect you.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOo0cmCv8HcP5H1a0gAIDS2U19pAJsM-KaZ3h48JiecOIvQ0JMSnbeqwPl69dFkP6QDntKtEriQfTHn5X9natOI72c7TEkKE_T6jXzehQN9WUoPQcyQePBpPUuzxicl_AstCjlwRYSAjKS/s1600/Photo+Feb+10,+9+47+45+PM.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOo0cmCv8HcP5H1a0gAIDS2U19pAJsM-KaZ3h48JiecOIvQ0JMSnbeqwPl69dFkP6QDntKtEriQfTHn5X9natOI72c7TEkKE_T6jXzehQN9WUoPQcyQePBpPUuzxicl_AstCjlwRYSAjKS/s1600/Photo+Feb+10,+9+47+45+PM.jpg" height="264" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"How did I get here?"</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At this point, Ashley has pretty much won the date, oh wait. What is that? NO ASHLEY! Do not go running after Chris! Don't do it! Keep calm! Oh geez. She is dragging him into the desert, crying, saying "WHY DID YOU TELL HER WHAT I SAID?" and completely falling apart. O M G. The ugly cries are heard from space while Chris wanders aimlessly behind her looking like he has recently been clubbed in the head. The crying/sniffing/snorting gets louder and louder and her words become more and more inaudible until Chris finally breaks the news to Ashley that he is looking for someone a little more mature. This prompts Ashley to respond with the (very mature) "So you think Britt is ready for the farm lifestyle??" It is after this little slip that Ashley realizes her tantrum has sealed her fate, which she cries even more about. I mean, Calamity Jane's ghost probably heard her belabored squalling. Chris leaves her to shriek away her sorrows on the top of a butte. I hope Sephora calls soon and hires you to be their spokesperson, Ashley. Also, anyone else think her complete meltdown will do anything to help her lose that virginity anytime soon? Yeah, me either.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Back at the hotel, the suitcase remover of doom has arrived to take Ashley's things away, and the girls are practically in tears thinking that they are stuck with Kelsey for another trip.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNNe3vkXZ9SyT7OWJMt61jSdwl6LUfMhA-BvokB4llZTGNBuI4ShicIfRq8S_QiSEDAbaI29aZ7mYm0R2vcqCIN8ey4VMA0qi-Tq9yauGu8D398LBd8SqRZeVNOvj-GT8GPZoj6MD9CHcv/s1600/Photo+Feb+10,+9+53+21+PM.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNNe3vkXZ9SyT7OWJMt61jSdwl6LUfMhA-BvokB4llZTGNBuI4ShicIfRq8S_QiSEDAbaI29aZ7mYm0R2vcqCIN8ey4VMA0qi-Tq9yauGu8D398LBd8SqRZeVNOvj-GT8GPZoj6MD9CHcv/s1600/Photo+Feb+10,+9+53+21+PM.jpg" height="138" width="200" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"That's a shame."</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As Ashley is left to sob her little heart out on a patch of dirt, Kelsey overhears her weeping and can barely contain her little victorious heart. But, not for long! In what was the most unexpected move of the night, Chris travels over to Kelsey and he DUMPS HER TOO! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Kelsey takes the blow stoically, continuing to remind the camera that she has an "amazing" story, and this isn't going to bring her down and that she is immeasurably blessed and that she has no regrets. I mean, she challenged herself to the adventure of love. She has lost before. She will survive. She will rise above. America is going to punch her in her smug mouth at the Women Tell All, and I can't wait.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuOiR2jInTkZ86Aq0MQSKwOC16AnYU-709TMeUlovUvCcVMwnyjanaDIW3HnwQDl9AzNN3XExG4wt92qxudJonjFAn5t97HLUwxpu_Dk6SUq02t8oO-ahbrctuodREcGoM58pHh8V_q4my/s1600/Photo+Feb+10,+10+02+53+PM.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuOiR2jInTkZ86Aq0MQSKwOC16AnYU-709TMeUlovUvCcVMwnyjanaDIW3HnwQDl9AzNN3XExG4wt92qxudJonjFAn5t97HLUwxpu_Dk6SUq02t8oO-ahbrctuodREcGoM58pHh8V_q4my/s1600/Photo+Feb+10,+10+02+53+PM.jpg" height="199" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"We are all immeasurably blessed!"</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Meanwhile, the suitcase warrior (are they taking applications for this job??) has returned and this time, the girls completely freak out when they see Kelsey's suitcase get taken. "Let's get drunk!" cries Kaitlyn, and there was much rejoicing in the land!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What I really want to know is, after Chris got in the helicopter and flew off by himself seemingly stranding Kelsey and Ashley in the desert, did the two of them have to ride the reject helicopter back to the airport together?? Did someone film that, and is it going to be shown at After the Final Rose? Will Ashley be on Bachelor in Paradise? Will Kelsey? What happened to the rose? Did they ever feed Chris? So many questions, Rose Enthusiasts, but I guess we'll have to wait for next week's - heaven help us - two hour event! I'm exhausted just thinking about it!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Until next week, I'll be counting my #immeasurableblessings. See you then!</span><br />
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JulientKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11155222436883944609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4939799295116483917.post-52099101604064540032015-02-03T20:15:00.004-07:002015-02-09T13:22:01.905-07:00Do you know the way to Santa Fe?<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFPdzFEh8-rcFrjGrDeqaP-EJKrYYaQX6hn1H_RuZG5HdmjEvjfiwbPjE5nV14s6BGB5Q25R4uLYqOieAIDc7uPpQDTIN2ubiVBLrgy-tkBybUeQ1YgF0Ab_fllWuwOGt1pIvxyRH7TpIm/s1600/bach.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFPdzFEh8-rcFrjGrDeqaP-EJKrYYaQX6hn1H_RuZG5HdmjEvjfiwbPjE5nV14s6BGB5Q25R4uLYqOieAIDc7uPpQDTIN2ubiVBLrgy-tkBybUeQ1YgF0Ab_fllWuwOGt1pIvxyRH7TpIm/s1600/bach.png" height="200" width="157" /></a><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Welcome to the American Southwest, Rose Enthusiasts! Even though New Mexico is the worst thing to hit America since smallpox, this is where we find Chris and his merry harem this week!</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEil1nAiC9NDFTO-g_SKVb1TIMejLXRGq755-RXTSd45gPx2fmwOmPWEYU1mdrHqcwEZhamG6jMs7D8s-abR8JvSvE67Ssf4Hj4j3zDZyKNLGcyG6peXXB6QJBp36qZEZFwe56lHe78oZSaY/s1600/Photo+Feb+03,+5+13+28+AM+(1).png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEil1nAiC9NDFTO-g_SKVb1TIMejLXRGq755-RXTSd45gPx2fmwOmPWEYU1mdrHqcwEZhamG6jMs7D8s-abR8JvSvE67Ssf4Hj4j3zDZyKNLGcyG6peXXB6QJBp36qZEZFwe56lHe78oZSaY/s1600/Photo+Feb+03,+5+13+28+AM+(1).png" height="174" width="200" /></a></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimNMl8yo0zRzH2UVnGnWkgz04zU_oSkAJtRxOwdHO7QcW-smgNSrdesJcKL2BXuV3cCuB0d0TnxJIcyFeamIND9SM-zF2oGBr5mq7k9YU4IVGJG0QlTAQJfwXwsZjLCTSe-gLj4XdQJJH4/s1600/Screenshot+2015-02-02+20.07.44.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimNMl8yo0zRzH2UVnGnWkgz04zU_oSkAJtRxOwdHO7QcW-smgNSrdesJcKL2BXuV3cCuB0d0TnxJIcyFeamIND9SM-zF2oGBr5mq7k9YU4IVGJG0QlTAQJfwXwsZjLCTSe-gLj4XdQJJH4/s1600/Screenshot+2015-02-02+20.07.44.png" height="200" width="160" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">"Seems like an Arby's night"</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">We pick up with Chris standing in the middle of the Hot Air Balloon Festival, where he is staring off pensively, declaring that "he's not used to seeing hot air balloons where he's from".. Is that a thing that we are supposed to be seeing regularly? I'm confused. Anyway, I've decided that Chris's increasingly hilariously vacant stare is exactly the same as everyone's favorite doofus, Seinfeld's David Puddy. Tell me they do not look exactly the same?!</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9voc0jxlEF1peRrbRUMPjxJ8-wghmGN0-e6qe9UvZ8_WrPO1gOW1Gc7Waja8cKMv7ScMg_5O6a6DO3AecnygAIfabOoQzLKDNHLp0BZSsFXvlobShc4NrfyApQz463G0jQX2UzjsXJxJO/s1600/Screenshot+2015-02-02+20.14.26.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9voc0jxlEF1peRrbRUMPjxJ8-wghmGN0-e6qe9UvZ8_WrPO1gOW1Gc7Waja8cKMv7ScMg_5O6a6DO3AecnygAIfabOoQzLKDNHLp0BZSsFXvlobShc4NrfyApQz463G0jQX2UzjsXJxJO/s1600/Screenshot+2015-02-02+20.14.26.png" height="200" width="126" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The clothes Megan forgot</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">One person who is not entirely sure what to do in New Mexico is Megan, who is worried that her lack of sombrero may be noticeable. I mean, she's not sure if they wear those in New Mexico like they do in Old Mexico, but, it's super exciting to go out of the country! Yes she actually said this. No, she doesn't appear to know that New Mexico is in the United States. She is probably also to blame for whoever is purporting the story that in the Southwest we all dress like John Wayne and Co.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The first one-on-one this week will be going to ... Carly! She's like "so stoked right now." The date card says, "let's come together" which seems a little suggestive to me, so hopefully, this takes a turn for the scandalous. Chris leads Carly to an empty, echo-y house, where in the backyard, we find a creepy woman meditating next to a pool. Are they really suggesting that this is what we do in the Southwest? Meditate with weirdos named Tziporah?? Anyway, Tziporah is a "love and intimacy mentor" and she will be leading Chris and Carly through various "processes" today in order to bring more "juiciness" to the relationship. If I wasn't so insulted that this is what they are doing on their "Southwest" date, I'd think this was top ten most awesomely ridiculous dates they have done. Chris declares that the love guru seems to know her way around intimacy, and seems to intimate that this is the only way that he and Carly are going to get to know each other better. Because, you know, talking and stuff is just so last season. Listen, if you need a sex guru to see if you have chemistry, it's probably time to friend-zone this and call it a day. </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Tziporah, Meridian princess. </span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The trio returns to the empty house, where Chris and Carly are both donning white outfits, and Tziporah is lighting what looks like the world's largest blunt, but is, in fact, a massive bundle of sage. The guru then proceeds to help Chris and Carly breathe, hold hands and breathe, chant, hold hands and chant, etc. Chris tells the camera that he felt nothing except his "lips getting numb" during the chanting/cleansing of heart chakra. Tziporah then announces that Carly will have the privilege of blindfolding Chris in order to merge their intimacy and sexuality. Surrounding the blindfolded Chris is a whole array of fruits, nuts, chocolate, etc. and Carly will be responsible for using the breath and the touch to feel her way around Chris's body. This apparently terrifies Carly, who is super afraid of physical intimacy. When it's Chris's turn to explore Carly, Tziporah directs him right between her thighs, which, I think is a little presumptuous. I mean, did anyone even buy Carly dinner beforehand? Or at least a cocktail? Geez. It is at this point that Chris catches up with the rest of us in figuring out that Tziporah is not a love guru but a <i>sex</i> guru. Again, what was he expecting? Mary Poppins? Chris and Carly finally draw the line at having to undress each other in front of Tziporah on camera and settle for some verbal intimacy. Thank goodness! Some sanity! The session is closed by the two breathing into each other's faces. The whole thing was insanely uncomfortable. If I was Carly's grandma, I'd be taking a few shots right about now.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Thank goodness they have decided to break up what was quickly digressing into yogic pornography with Kelsey sharing about her husband's death, and telling us about how she needs to have a one-on-one this week so she can tell Chris about it. Unfortunately, the date card that comes to the house is a group daaaaaaaate! It is addressed to Jade, Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mackenzie, Becca, Samantha, Ashley and Kelsey, which means that the one-on-one will be with Britt. Kelsey is horrifically unhappy about this, and declares that she is ready for a one-on-one, but is upset that Chris has a "myriad of other women" throwing himself at him and that this "doesn't make her feel special" and that it's "unacceptable." Really? I know that the way I feel the most special is when I am one of 25 women vying for the same man. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Back on Chris and Carly's date, Carly opens up to Chris about how her last boyfriend never wanted to have sex with her and blah blah, which she surely told the producers about, so it's no accident she ended up on the sex date. Anyway, Carly gets the rose, and after that experience, she sure deserves it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The group date picks up at the Rio Grande river where Chris and the chosen few are going white water rafting! Megan is concerned that there may be some alligators in the water. Only a few of the girls get to be in Chris's boat, and I wonder how they decided who that was going to be. Poor Jade falls out of the boat during a rapid (Hello, censor bar! Nice to see you haven't been slouching since Jillian left!) and evidently suffers from a condition where she loses circulation much easier than others in the cold or something, which essentially means that she gets a free foot rub from Chris after the trip is over. Mackenzie is again in awe of someone else's strategy and claims that she would have asked Chris to massage her butt, since it is freezing. Kelsey, again, has words to say, that basically amount to griping because she's "FINE!" so she's "NOT GOING TO GET A FOOT RUB" because she's "FINE!" Whatever you say, sweetheart. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTX_TN8M3Xj3VXgjyOc3vMUuCNA40MqcwKq5nN2SVbYfrJZVDZCR8vvqd2QT5ezRLSAQZ_4aT-WoK-bjETTciX8lSEirr1Lg9o1dGNRpI98uLcdZZytzHQvPHY38RLug8PkPACEt9cpJKK/s1600/Screenshot+2015-02-03+19.17.01.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTX_TN8M3Xj3VXgjyOc3vMUuCNA40MqcwKq5nN2SVbYfrJZVDZCR8vvqd2QT5ezRLSAQZ_4aT-WoK-bjETTciX8lSEirr1Lg9o1dGNRpI98uLcdZZytzHQvPHY38RLug8PkPACEt9cpJKK/s1600/Screenshot+2015-02-03+19.17.01.png" height="200" width="193" /></a><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The after party for the date appears to be taking place in the lobby of the hotel, and while the girls muse about how time is the most important part of this process (surprisingly, not an STD screening or fully functioning liver), Chris is intercepted by . . . drunkety drunk drunk Jordan, who was eliminated two weeks ago! In case you don't remember Jordan, she was the one who attempted to twerk upside down (rather unsuccessfully I might add), and she has driven all the way from Colorado to ask Chris for a second chance. Because Chris is a glutton for punishment, rather than sending her on her merry way, he trots her out for the girls, and announces that Jordan will be spending the evening with them. Not surprisingly, this news is about as welcome as a case of the measles at Disneyland. For the most part, the girls are nice-ish to Jordan, but they aren't exactly holding a parade in her honor either. Ashley is particularly cantankerous, telling all of the girls that they need to make it perfectly clear that "we don't want her here!" and that they should "not be nice to her right now!" I mean, unless you treat Jordan like total trash, that means you don't care about Chris, right?? Whitney attempts to be the voice of reason, but Ashley remains unconvinced. Eventually though, Chris gives into peer pressure and sends Jordan on her way, and all of the drama was for nothing. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Group date rose goes to . . . Whitney! No one is more upset about this than - surprise surprise - Ashley, who thinks that Whitney is "fake as s***" and that she sees Chris with someone more "real." I hope she means "real" on the inside because I'm not convinced that Ashley's face is all the way genuine.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/HM31RSUcpPFEDHl9RpcyBXy_S45FCUgR3EdwvroYaRdoYIRjaRrpNt7hoDeu1zH0BTS93_qUziuShHz4KNEBDqvbpppnDUrDoOheQZxJdleO_BUS1lPwe9oassr5O1rgdA" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/HM31RSUcpPFEDHl9RpcyBXy_S45FCUgR3EdwvroYaRdoYIRjaRrpNt7hoDeu1zH0BTS93_qUziuShHz4KNEBDqvbpppnDUrDoOheQZxJdleO_BUS1lPwe9oassr5O1rgdA" height="150" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Britt's spirit animal</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The second one-on-one date card arrives and says "the sky's the limit" and Britt is freaking the freak out because - dun dun dun - she is afraid of heights! Again, I'm sure the producers picked her on purpose for this date! Sneaky sneaky, producers! We also learned a little about Britt's unique hygiene habits. Apparently, she doesn't shower, but she does sleep in her makeup ("like puts it on before bed") just in case the camera shows up. Well, good thing, sweetheart, because, it's 4:30 AM and guess who is at your door? Since Ed McMahon is dead, it must be Chris, here to take you on your potentially terrifying date!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Apparently the producers concluded that being complete a-holes to one girl was enough this week, because far from being a date where they had to scale a building or something, it's a hot air balloon ride, and, her crippling fear apparently forgotten, Britt practically sprints into the balloon! They make-out midair, and Britt declares that she feels like Chris is her boyfriend. Well, you and like 11 others.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Took a nap, huh?</td></tr>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjY20HeoSu5nv_wbWVqEGdK1bPuDCETsH9zaK6S_wKU7qzJZXmroqGpIyKXnpIQ5L4Qq-kkvdgNEiYBRGHgIfD2WB7dg9wdntFmThf5msHYfZRNPQ6zeTIz7nS7MBB0NXFlj2NsGG6GXt9V/s1600/gifpal-20150128210745.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span></a><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">While Chris takes Britt to his bedroom for some shenanigans, Ashley decides to tell the girls that Britt has openly declared that she doesn't want kids ever, while at the same time, Britt tells Chris that she wants "like a hundred" of them. It appears as though Britt is just telling Chris what he wants to hear, but who cares, because she got the rose! Oh heavens, now they are under the covers. Please close the door, Chris! Close the door! I mean, I'm sure they are studying the Bible in there, but they should do that in private.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">The inspiration for Amy Dunne</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">When Britt returns to the house, Carly takes the news of the assumed hanky-panky reasonably well (at the same time looking like a Pound Puppy), but it is Kelsey who continues to go off the charts on the hot/crazy scale by saying that Britt's date completely "diminished" her connection with him since it is likely that they <strike>"delved into the wondrous land of physical affection"</strike> took a nap together. Clearly, she must realize that she is on the Alone Train to Alonesville (making stops at Ex-Girlfriend Junction and West Breaking Up With You!), because she decides that it is time for the BIG GUNS. Yes. She dresses herself up and makes her way to Chris's room because there is a risk that she might be sent home, "without Chris ever knowing that she's a widow". And obviously, only a complete doucheboat would send someone home with a dead husband, so she's got to get the story out now, before it's too late. </span><br />
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<a href="http://makeameme.org/media/created/isnt-my-story.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://makeameme.org/media/created/isnt-my-story.jpg" height="186" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">With sparse tears, Kelsey tells Chris about her husband's death, and afterwards, gushes to the camera, "Isn't my story amazing? It's <i>tragic</i>. But it's amazing. I LOVE my story. I know this is a show about Chris, but this is my love story too. This is the unfolding of someone who had something so tragic and you get to watch her pick up the pieces and grow into another person and into another relationship. And hell yes, I'm getting a rose tonight! Stay tuned! Monday Nights at 8! The love story unveiled." End Quote. Wow. Just. Wow. I mean really? What? Is her dead husband even real, because this is just making it sound like she is more enamored about how he's getting her more screen time. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIIYd6rmsMjtHLFCARswdr7Dif9jP2m-NuRjaJJsml_Hy6vYzC3sSZNIgCmlsAd6WP9DatzqJILKxVZQt1ifSS_qB0Dl_4gSOcVFGZiLufHviOUMKD09L5D31C7VaKM1NEk7lDjKn0un4P/s1600/Screenshot+2015-02-03+20.07.10.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIIYd6rmsMjtHLFCARswdr7Dif9jP2m-NuRjaJJsml_Hy6vYzC3sSZNIgCmlsAd6WP9DatzqJILKxVZQt1ifSS_qB0Dl_4gSOcVFGZiLufHviOUMKD09L5D31C7VaKM1NEk7lDjKn0un4P/s1600/Screenshot+2015-02-03+20.07.10.png" height="243" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">When it comes time for the rose ceremony, Kelsey is walking on air! She is so excited that her last ditch sob-story effort is going to get her a rose! But wait, when Chris comes out, he tells everyone he talked to Kelsey today and has to take a breather, because "life is precious" and stuff. I think we can assume what happened here - which is that he was totally going to send Kelsey home until he heard her story, but now, he doesn't want to be a complete dillweed and send her home. Kelsey says as much to the girls, telling them, that "he already has his decision made" and that "every day is a gift" and that means "I have to say goodbye to people" complete with fake tears. Wow. Unbelievable. No one is more upset about this than Ashley, who "can't compete with a dead husband!" Then, Chris Harrison comes in and announces that there will be no cocktail party tonight. Chris has already made up his mind. You know what that means . . a fake panic attack! The episode ends with Kelsey on the floor, heaving, coughing, breathing heavily, and a giant TO BE CONTINUED! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Wow. Does anyone think that Kelsey should be the new overly attached girlfriend meme? She's crazy. That is all. Until we find out what happens, I'm going to figure out how to construct a dead husband of my own. Apparently, it's the way to get what you want. See you next week! </span><br />
<br />JulientKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11155222436883944609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4939799295116483917.post-77928033559563214442015-01-29T18:50:00.004-07:002015-01-29T19:05:55.169-07:00"I'm not making this up!"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">"I can't form a complete sentence!"</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Welcome to another week, Rose Enthusiasts! I don't know about you, but not only do I think that Chris is a total ho, but he's starting to make Juan Pablo look like a Rhodes Scholar, no? I mean, at least JPabs can't speak English and that was half of the reason why he couldn't formulate a complete sentence, but, really, they aren't showing a whole lot of Chris's confessionals. I don't want to say he's a few kernels short of a whole ear of corn, but . . .</span><br />
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So, we begin the week at Casa Bachelor, where Chris Harrison, fresh off his week off, visits the ladies and reminds him that Chris is here to find a <strike>venereal disease</strike> wife, blah blah, and also to break the news that there will be two group dates and a one-on-one this week, and that Chris's three sisters will be choosing who gets to go on the one-on-one! Ooooh. High stakes!</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">My reaction when the girls suggested</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Harrison leaves behind the first group date card, which is addressed to Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley S, Ashley I, Juelia, Samantha, Mackenzie, and Kelsey. "Let's do what feels natural" reads the card, and almost immediately, the girls start throwing shade at Ashley I., resident makeup queen, because the general consensus is that the date card obviously means that everyone will be needing to go without makeup. Riiiiight. They also expect you not to consume copious amounts of alcohol. Ashley I., meanwhile, is insulted that the girls are associating her with rampant makeup application. </span><br />
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Chris drives the girls to "the most beautiful area," says Megan (waaaaaait, weren't you just at the Grand Canyon?) and the girls waste no time stripping down to their bikinis and jumping into what looks like festering lake water. In the meantime, Ashley I., decides that this is the day that she "breaks out of her shyness" as the camera cuts to shot of her ripping her bikini top off and jumping in topless. Geez, Ashley, if that's shy, I'm not sure I want to see your brave face. It's also no shock when Kaitlyn joins Ashley in the race to the top of the naked chart by taking off her bikini bottoms and jumping on in while everyone looks on. Now this is just reckless. Who knows what kind of bacteria is making fruitful and multiplying in there?? Of course, the same thing could probably be said about Kaitlyn, so I guess no harm, no foul, right? On the other hand, Kelsey is not having the nudity, and tells the camera that "this is a date for bimbos!" Um, of course it is, honey. This is the Bachelor, not America's Next Top Amish Bride.</span><br />
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The sisters have arrived back at the mansh, and all of the girls are super excited to greet them except Jillian, whose exposed butt is asleep by the pool, and disinterested in being roused when someone goes to fetch her. The real highlight is when Jade tells the sisters that she "modeled for a clothing" website, which is a really interesting way to reveal that you posed for Playboy and that there are pictures of your vajayjay all over the internet, but I suppose your skin is a sort of "clothing" right? And what do you know, the sisters actually pick her for the date! Wow.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">"Everything is so magical!"</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Back on the group date, it has been announced that Chris and the girls will be staying overnight at the lake! Again, we hear from Ashley I., who tells us that she is a camping virgin, but also reminds us that she's a virgin going camping. Thanks for reminding us, Ashley! Also, no one cares. There is drinking, hot dogs, kebabs, and other camping accoutrements, and waiting in its own ice chest is the rose! Kaitlyn, who is quickly becoming my favorite despite the fact that she was naked all over the place, makes fun of Kelsey's continued complaining about being outside in the harsh elements, drawing attention to the fact that it always seems to stop when Chris is around. I mean, she got stung by a bee, y'all! Worst day ever. Ashley S. also brings out a little crazy when she attempts to lead the girls in a campfire rendition of Tootie-Ta (but brought back some fond SMI memories for me!). Chris then proceeds to pull her aside for some alone time, where she says things such as "What are you?" "You're funny!" "Look at the moon. It's so weird that it's out there, and we are sitting here. Like. That's weird to me." and then proceeds to kiss Chris and tell him that she "loves everything about him." Wow. Just wow. Then she says, "I hope that just...resonates with you tonight. You don't have to say anything in regards to that," as Chris looks on, attempting to decide if she is perhaps an undiscovered shaman or has actually been lobotomized.In the end though, Kaitlyn gets the date rose. Apparently, flashing your butt really does get you everywhere. Nicely done, sweetheart. </span><br />
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Unfortunately, the date isn't over, and we are subjected to some rank desperation on the part of Ashley I., who insists on crawling into Chris's tent and attempts to telepathically communicate her increasingly cumbersome virginity situation to him. Interestingly enough, the message is lost in translation, perhaps because she only manages to get out that despite the way she has been "portrayed" (she knows this is real life, right? I mean, she IS admitting that she's "portrayed" herself as a total ho-bag with this confession, right?) she is actually "inexperienced in every way possible," or it could be because the next thing you know, she and Chris are aggressively sucking face in the middle of his tent. As Carly later declares, "Her mouth is not a virgin!" Amen, honey. Amen. </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">"I am the fairest of them all!"</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The next morning, we are back at Casa Bachelor, where Britt is a little pouty because Jade got the one-on-one date. However, no one is more upset about Jade getting the date than Ashley I, who is consumed with vigorous anger over the fact that Jade gets the "princess" date, when she is, in fact, the only princess here. Anyway, Edna Mode in a cotton candy wig dresses Jade in several "princessy"outfits before deciding on a blue ballroom number that, coincidentally, I'm sure, matches the one worn by Cinderella in Disney's new live-action movie, <b>CINDERELLA</b>! Oh corporate synergy, how obnoxious you are. During the date, Chris and Jade eat at a tiny table and discuss their prior engagements, and then afterwards, dance on a tiny platform while clips of the Cinderella movie play in the background. It was insanely dull, but Jade gets the rose, because, why not?</span><br />
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On the second group date, Jillian, Nikki, Britt, Carly, Becca, and Whitney are each issued a wedding dress and carted into the Bimbousine<b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">™ </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;"> and driven to - what else - a mud-soaked obstacle course! The winner of this jaunt will win a one-on-one with Chris. Jillian, still stinging from her unexpected defeat in the pig-wrestling challenge last week, informs us that she will be taking it down to China town in the name of victory. At least the wedding dress covers her butt, amiright?? To her credit, Jillian completely dominates the other ladies in this challenge, leading Carly to wonder if her "penis is bigger than Chris's penis." Yikes, and LOL, Carly. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">Unfortunately for Jillian, her one-on-one time with Chris does NOT go as planned. Chris starts things off with an easy one, asking where she sees herself in five years. Jillian rambles in response to this, saying that "planning is limiting" and who even knows what she might do, discussing her various fitness goals, and drinking a ridiculous amount of red wine. Chris is befuddled by the rate at which she is speaking, saying that "it is hard for my brain to compute while she speaks" or something similar and admitting that while Jillian was talking that he was envisioning "unicorns and talking fairies." The coffin on this connection is sealed, however, when Jillian asks Chris if he would rather have sex with a homeless girl ("like, you don't know what she has") or abstain from sex for five years. Unfortunately, we don't get to see Chris's answer (shenanigans!), but we do get to see him kick Jillian to the Reject Van by basically saying, "I'm looking for my wife, and you ain't it." Bye, Jillian! I'm sure we'll see you this summer on Bachelor in Paradise! In the meantime, maybe she and Cody should hook up? They could dead-lift together... </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">Jillian's departure wakes the other ladies up to the significance of the cocktail party, which begins with Megan playing a super weird game involving blindfolded fruit eating, complete with the blindfold being pulled directly from her cleavage. Classy. She tells Chris he must guess the fruit based on "the taste, the smell, and .... I don't know the other one." I'm sure your first grade teacher is really pleased you don't know the five senses, Megan. At the end of it, Megan is feeling pretty good about her time with Chris. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">Ashley I, on the other hand, has apparently realized that she didn't make her virginity clear when she spoke to Chris at the camping trip, and decides that now is the time to tell him about it. Chris is, of course, gentlemanly about the whole thing, telling her that he "respects that" and "it's great" and what not. Even after this, however, Ashley cannot let it go, and proceeds to tell the camera that Chris is now "freaked out" about her virginity (doubt it) and continues to discuss it ad nauseam. Around the same time, Becca nonchalantly announces that she too, has never tamed the one-eyed snake, and Kaitlyn and the other girls just DO NOT know how to handle so much innocence in one place. Ok, being a virgin doesn't excuse someone from wildly poor judgement, so I'm not entirely sure why this is so shocking, but whatever. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">In the meantime, Britt, even though she told Chris's sisters earlier in the episode that she feels so "solid" in her connection to him, decides to confront Chris about giving Kaitlyn the rose on the group date, since apparently it happened <strike>because</strike> after she took her clothes off. Jimmy Kimmel posted a hilarious video breaking down Chris's response as to why he is apparently pro . . . "women with accommodating morals." </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Just say it, Chris! Kaitlyn is hot and she got naked! It's not a mystery to the rest of us, why should it be a mystery to Britt? Anyway, this little conversation does not set well with Chris, who immediately announces to the girls that if any of them believe that he doesn't have good intentions in his being there that they are welcome to go home. What? No takers? Ok. Moving on, because *clink clink clink*! It's time for the rose ceremony!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Getting roses this week (along with Kaitlyn and Jade) are Whitney, Carly, Ashley I., Samantha (still haven't figured out who she is), Megan, Mackenzie, Becca, Kelsey, and Britt. This means that the journey has come to a tragic end for Nikki, Juelia (Yeesh. Glad about that), and *sob* Ashley S, who leaves us with the announcement that she "feels nothing!" about her departure. We will miss you, you crazy biotch.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">See you next week, friends, for our first week of travel! Should be exciting. In the meantime, I'll be wondering how the censor bar is spending his retirement now that Jillian has been eliminated. Kisses!</span><br />
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JulientKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11155222436883944609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4939799295116483917.post-18232315136145843622015-01-22T20:57:00.001-07:002015-01-22T21:57:07.979-07:00This week's episode brought to you by Altoids. <span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Welcome back, Rose Enthusiasts! Sorry for the delay on the blog this week! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ok, let's just get to it, people. Chris is a make-out slut. I mean, come the heck on, buddy! Aren't you afraid your lips are going to get tired? Are you doing that phantom make out thing when you're alone because your lips have moved so much? IS THERE SOMEONE THERE TO CATCH THE DROOL??? All I can say is that Binaca and any sort of quick-dry towel brand made a serious mistake not sponsoring this season. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hokay, so we open this week playing the clip that they showed at the end of last week's episode, where Jimmy Kimmel comes to wake up Chris very early in the morning to inform him that he's taking over the show this week, and will be planning the dates, etc. Did Harrison have to be in court or something? Anyway, I rather liked Jimmy's take on it. He was a nice blend of keeping the fantasy alive as well as acknowledging the general ridiculousness that happens regularly on this program. My favorite thing that he did was call everyone out on the overuse of the word "amazing" by bringing out the Amazing Jar, where every time someone said it, they had to put a dollar in the jar. Brilliant! Now, if only I could get paid every time someone said it. . . </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Jimmy also brings the first date card with him, and it's for . . . Kaitlyn! The date card says that they will be joining an exclusive club with unlimited hors d'oeuvres. Hmmm. The mind reels. "We're at Costco?!" marvels Kaitlyn when the limo pulls into the parking lot. "Mwahahahaaha!" says Jimmy, that trickster. The date will involve going on a Costco run to pick up copious amounts of ketchup and the ingredients for dinner, for which Jimmy will be in attendance. Well played, producers. I love it. After they pick up the necessary accoutrements for their dinner, Chris and Kaitlyn spend some time playing the games and rolling around in a giant inflatable ball. Yeesh. I feel sorry for anyone who was actually shopping there. Of course, while in the ball, they kiss, giving Chris his first workout of the night. Looking back, he probably should have bought chapstick in bulk. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When they get back to the house and sit down with Jimmy, he breaks out the big guns, making fun of Kaitlyn's inconsistencies (she dated a "legit" farmer, like with cows and stuff..), and asking if Kaitlyn would be ok with Chris having sex with all of the girls in the fantasy suite (She says she would...I call shenanigans), and telling Chris that he should have sex with everyone on the show. </span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My favorite part though was when Chris was giving a toast at the end of dinner and Jimmy stops him and tells him it was terrible and to start over. Thank you so much, Jimmy! You got Chris to show an iota of personality! And the speech was really terrible. Anyway, Kaitlyn gets the rose. No surprise there. It actually looked like they really enjoyed themselves. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Before the next group date begins, we get a nice montage of Jillian working out. The censor bar also gets another workout covering her butt for like the jillionth time so far this season. Did she not bring any clothes that actually cover her entire butt? Is it just so Kardashian-esque that it doesn't fit into any clothes anywhere? Are the editors just messing with us? Suffice it to say, Jillian is a beast. </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Cows moo at my sheer girth."</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Coming with Jimmy to today's group date will be Ashley S. (who manages to leave the date without having a psychotic break . . . must not have been enough booze there), Jillian, Carly, Becca, Amber, Britt, Kelsey, Mackenzie, two brunettes who must not get any screen time because I can't remember their names and didn't write them down, and Juelia. Jimmy has devised a bit of a farm-based obstacle course. The girls will be required to shuck corn, gather eggs and crack one without breaking the yolk, milk a goat and drink the milk (big LOL that Carly might be allergic but is going to brave anaphylaxis in the name of "love"), shoveling manure, and wrestling a pig. Naturally, Jillian is thrilled that the challenge is so physical and basically declares herself the winner before she even starts. Let's also take a minute to marvel at Jillian's man-like armpits.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The challenge goes smoothly enough, with Jillian leading for most of it, but, the winner ends up being Carly, who catches a lucky break during the pig-wrestle. Amber comments that she didn't enjoy drinking the goat milk because she doesn't enjoy "warm, salty things in her mouth." Um, you are on the wrong show. Anyway, Carly get a blue ribbon for winning and gets to dress up in the American Gothic garb with Chris and take a photo. That's it? That's her big reward? She did some gross stuff, man. She should at least get a delicious bacon sandwich for all of her trouble. </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Why wouldn't Chris kiss everyone? Maybe he's an angel!"</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The after-party begins with Carly pulling Chris aside and announcing that she is a woman and Chris is a man and she wants to take advantage of that. And cue make-out! This is the first of many during this little soirée, where Chris manages to make out with . . . are you ready for it? Five different women during the date. Five. I mean, did he even have time to rinse his mouth in between? Amber makes a rookie mistake during her sesh by telling Chris to "make-believe it's our wedding." Yikes. Calm down, girl. Mackenzie makes a bold move and straight up asks him why he's kissing so many women, to which Chris gives a pretty vague answer (we understand Chris. You're a guy). The real winner on this date, however, is Becca, who chooses to set herself apart and not take part in the rampant making out and gets herself a date rose in the process. Way to go, Becca! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The next date card arrives and is addressed to . . . Whiny Voice Whitney! Oh goody. Can't say I'm looking forward to any segment which features her constant Chipette impression. The date card says that the day is going to be fun and "no whining!" which is pretty non-descript. The producers lead us to believe that the two of them just happen to be next to a wedding and decide to crash it, which I don't believe any more than I believe that none of these girls has a communicable disease, mostly because you know they had to get permission from the people they talked to to show their images on the show, so the producers HAD to have cleared their being there with someone. It sort of ruined the whole thing for me. I mean, I know the dates are fake, but this was ESPECIALLY fake. Anyway, Whitney gets the rose, and, no shock, they make out at the end.</span><br />
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I have to confess to you all that when they came back from commercial and there was yet ANOTHER shot of Chris in the outdoor shower, I almost threw something at the TV. Yes. Chris is ripped. Yes, we can enjoy him lathering, but does it have to be every single week?? I know they had Jimmy in there as a joke and that was part of it, but I really am growing weary of the shower scenes.<br />
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The cocktail party this week is actually going to be a pool party! No one is more upset about this than Ashley I, who was planning her Kardashian look and had to downgrade it to a bikini look. First world problem, Ashley. There's one person not complaining though, and that's Chris, who declares that if he could have a pool party with 18 women every day, he would. Real classy, man. Aren't you here for serious love? *wink wink*<br />
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During the pool party, Juelia takes the time to tell Chris about her husband's suicide, and Chris was very understanding about the whole thing. Incidentally, I read more about Juelia's story online this week, and I find it sort of sick that she was cast on the show so soon after her husband killed himself. It just seems like it's the kind of exploitive that I don't feel good about.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"They didn't even bother to blur Jade's boob?!"</td></tr>
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After this, Chris immediately starts making out with Britt again. After Britt, Jade asks Chris if she can "see his place" and of course, Chris obliges. They make out on the bed. OMG is that her boob? I mean. That's her boob, right? They didn't even bother blurring it out! <br />
Whoaaaa. While Chris is getting to second base with Jade, Jillian and her thonged behind are waiting in the hot tub to embark on her own make-out. I mean seriously, Chris's mouth had to have been SO dry after all of this furious kissing. Ashley I. is super mad that the other girls are more aggressive than she is, and cries all over her confessional over the "outrageous" behavior of the other girls. No one is stopping you from being aggressive, Ashley! If you want to get with Chris, GET WITH HIM. Don't whine because the other girls are going for it! Ok, end rant. Eventually, she does get her time, but not after she throws a bit of a fit, walks up the driveway, and drops her wine glass, and also gets her extraordinarily awkward make-out. I mean, honestly, she almost pulled him off the roof. I hope they had a trapeze net down there. Yikes.<br />
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When it's time to dole out the roses, they go to:<br />
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Jade<br />
Samantha (WHO EVEN IS THIS?)<br />
Juelia<br />
Mackenzie<br />
Kelsey<br />
Britt<br />
Megan<br />
Carly<br />
Ashley S. (yayyyyy!)<br />
Nikki (no idea who this is either)<br />
Jillian<br />
and ... Ashley I.<br />
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That means that Tracey (who?), Trina (I don't know who?) and Amber (token black girl) will be going home. They never really showed them, so who cares?<br />
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The real highlight of this episode was the preview for next week, which features the infamous campout, where Chris is inevitably going to go too far with one of the girls. YES! Finally some serious action, and hopefully, Ashley S. will be back with more shenanigans. Until then, I am going to go do some squats.<br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>JulientKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11155222436883944609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4939799295116483917.post-20175714360269878822015-01-13T22:17:00.002-07:002015-01-14T08:59:31.107-07:00Resurrection Monday<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Welcome back for week 2, Rose Enthusiasts! I have to admit, when they announced that Chris was going to be our hero this season, I was worried that he would be too nice to be entertaining. Not so! Our boy Chris is kind of a slut (judging from how many girls he kissed tonight), and that may not get him far with the Morality and/or Common Sense Police, but since when do we care about morality or common sense on this show? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We pick up this week in the early morning hours after the first cocktail party (have we EVER seen a night one that lasted until the sun went up? Yikes. Longest night ever.) and Kimberly the Yoga teacher wants to make sure Chris is sure that he's just not that into her flexible self and begs him for another chance. Despite the fact that "no" usually means "NO!" in these situations, never underestimate the power of stilettos and a tight dress, because Kimberly is back in! For now, anyway. You'd think the girls would be disgusted, but honestly, they look too tired to care. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A few short hours later, the girls and Chris are awake and semi-functional. Harrison, ever plucky, asks Chris, "Do you remember anything from last night?" to which Chris implies that he remembers little. That's probably better, Chris. Start fresh. Maybe everyone won't be drunken messes tonight. Doubtful, but maybe. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Harrison then visits the ladies, and wastes no time pointing out that Chris is living just down the driveway, and oh, here we go with Chris in the outdoor shower again. Tell me, is there an actual shower <i>inside</i> the house, or are we going to be subjected to this every week? We listen to some nonsensical musings from the women, and Chris does his contractually ordered lathering. Harrison points out that there are no rules here (have there ever been rules?), and that the ladies are welcome to visit Chris whenever they want. Because that will surely go well. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBwWF-v7fR6rjiQhLZ1qAHO6h7ehWnr-TajPd1RjKvKmAVvwAjqwsYRyA1kNjKxLyrEtyYnuoqLjhmlFoHZk0A0wy1C_FQcQHAt0hLHOzZ7VbReZwN2jm_e4sATaftdeS7xajgVpz1mGpb/s1600/Screenshot+2015-01-13+18.12.44.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBwWF-v7fR6rjiQhLZ1qAHO6h7ehWnr-TajPd1RjKvKmAVvwAjqwsYRyA1kNjKxLyrEtyYnuoqLjhmlFoHZk0A0wy1C_FQcQHAt0hLHOzZ7VbReZwN2jm_e4sATaftdeS7xajgVpz1mGpb/s1600/Screenshot+2015-01-13+18.12.44.png" height="198" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The first date this week is a group date, on which will be Jade, Tandra, Ashley I, Mackenzie, Kimberly and Tara. The card reads "show me your country" and Mackenzie is SO excited she wore her overalls today! Perfect! There are some (pretty rightfully placed) sour grapes about Kimberly getting to go on the date when she didn't actually get a rose at the rose ceremony, but it isn't too long before we figure out why, because, guess what we will be doing on the date? If you guessed a discussion of the pastoral motifs in Thomas Cole's paintings, you are as drunk as Jordan. It's bikini tractor racing, y'all, and Kimberly has the perfect body for it! Also, clearly that's what all farmers do. Literally, the only thought I had during this was the Seinfeld episode with the "tractor story." Because the indignity of this activity isn't enough, the girls and Chris parade through downtown Los Angeles like what I imagine Chris Brown thinks is happening in his head every time he walks down the street. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The winner of the tractor race is Ashley I, who allegedly wins some more alone time with Chris than the other girls, but all I saw was the two of them sharing a very small seat atop the winning tractor, and it looked mighty uncomfortable. Eventually, Chris gets to choose one girl to spend some more time with, and apparently the overalls have their charm, because completely inexplicably, he chooses Mackenzie! The two of them go to a bar, where Mackenzie panics because she has to find the right time to tell Chris that she has a child, and he is named after a superfood (what I consider the real troublesome bit). Before she can get to this bombshell though, she proves the theory that guys will put up with a mess of insanity or immaturity if it looks good enough in a bathing suit, because she asks Chris questions such as "OMG, did you have your ears pierced?" and "Do you believe in aliens?" (to be fair, Chris admits that this may be a bit of a red flag), and makes comments about how much she enjoys big noses on men. Does that mean that Chris has a big nose, Mackenzie? Is this a compliment? I genuinely don't know. When Mackenzie finally gets around to telling Chris about her son, Chris is unbelievably gracious, and doesn't roll his eyes when Mackenzie says that the best thing about her son is that he gasps when he's surprised by something (it's every parent's dream), or that her kid is named after 2013's most popular vegetable trend. I was genuinely surprised that she got the rose (he even kissed her on the dancefloor!), but I suppose we can't remove the crazy quota too soon. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Meanwhile, back at the mansh, Jordan is drunk. The end. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ding-dong! The next date card has arrived, and no, Megan, it's not a love-note from Chris, you get to go on an actual date! Considering the rest of the episode, this date is pretty boring. Chris and Megan overuse words like "beautiful," "awesome," and "spectacular" to describe their helicopter trip into the Grand Canyon (which, admittedly, definitely looked like one of their better planned dates. I would jump right on board with it), and Megan tells Chris about her father dying unexpectedly a few weeks before filming. Because no one can say no to a sob story, Megan gets the rose. They make out. End of date.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The real action in tonight's episode took place on the second group date, which was, hands down, one of the best segments the show has produced in some time, mostly due to the GENIUS casting of Ashley S. (the one who got confused over the onion/pomegranate last week), who is either the best actress of all time, or certifiably insane. Either way, I LOVED it. When the date card arrives, Amber the bartender tells us that her heart "literally pumps" every time she sees the date card. I hope it literally pumps all the time, Amber, otherwise, that's concerning. The lucky harem attending this date will be Kelsey, Trina, Alissa, Tracey, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashley S, Juelia, Kaitlyn, and Britt. The card reads "'til death do us part," and I think Kaitlyn sums it up nicely when she says, "Death is like 0% romantic." Well said, girl. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anyway, the girls pile into the Bachelor Bimbousine</span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">™ </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">and head into a set straight outta Dexter's kill room. "This is what nightmares are made of," declares one of the girls. After some slight panic, ZOMBIES COME INTO THE CAR! AAAAAAAAAUGHAAAHGAHGAH! Chris also jumps in and attempts to calm the ladies after the zombie panic, and we find out that tonight's event is using a paintball gun to take care of some zombies (Did anyone else wonder who in their right mind volunteered to dress up as zombies and GET SHOT AT for this event? No thanks, says I)! Kaitlyn is pumped about this because killing zombies "is her jam." Whatever you say. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRaDS7KX86uKGjQUAv0HOawUFef1R73oDMBhM_gm6Za0XCuR6akUjf1nMu-FiFT8ZlFdMHnEgO-I6kXK7YbdcLDbQLIFeUx76w0SDIUsl-s5hr89CqDL0oGIok2aY5r84ZzOUcfnBKMQoW/s1600/Screenshot+2015-01-13+21.51.53.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRaDS7KX86uKGjQUAv0HOawUFef1R73oDMBhM_gm6Za0XCuR6akUjf1nMu-FiFT8ZlFdMHnEgO-I6kXK7YbdcLDbQLIFeUx76w0SDIUsl-s5hr89CqDL0oGIok2aY5r84ZzOUcfnBKMQoW/s1600/Screenshot+2015-01-13+21.51.53.png" height="253" width="320" /></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">At this point, we are reintroduced to the complete lunacy that is taking place inside what's left of Ashley S.'s brain. First, she is confused by the rules of the game, and the other girls have to tell her repeatedly not to shoot at the other humans, but to shoot the zombies. "I would never shoot you!" Ashley says emphatically. Kaitlyn insists to the camera that Ashley shouldn't be allowed to use a fork or wet noodle, much less a firing weapon, and she is proven absolutely correct, because Ashley proceeds to go full terminator on the zombies, shooting them all over the place and after they are down on the ground. Again, these zombies had no idea what they were volunteering for. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">While all of this is going on, Ashley keeps up the steady stream of nonsense coming from her mouth, announcing to the group that she feels like she is in Mesa Verde ("like, the Mesa Ver-de"). Her musings got so bizarre that I half expected her to admit that she has indeed had part of her brain removed and is convinced she's a bunny. Someone asks her who she thinks is getting the rose on the date, and she says, "Oh, who do you think is getting the rose? Maybe an ANGEL!" When she disappears from the group for awhile, she comes back and says to the group that she "heard the truth, boom!" and tells the girls to "go find their own way to the truth." She also crashes Chris's confessional interview, and he tries his best to engage her in conversation, but she suggests playing hide-and-go-seek, asks if they are in a dome, and says something about losing your soul that completely befuddles everyone around. I tell you, whoever found her deserves a raise! </span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">I feel like I should also mention that during the group date, Chris made out with Britt and with Kaitlyn, but Kaitlyn got the rose. Ooooh. Conflict. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">There were a few highlights from the cocktail party, but the biggest WTF moment came from Ashley I., who announced to the girls that she is a virgin. Mackenzie is so upset that she hadn't thought of pretending to be one on the show, because, after all "guys love to take your virginity." Ashley's weirdness didn't stem from her announcement however, it came from her interaction with Chris, where she compared herself to princess Jasmine and had Chris rub her belly button ring (which was supposedly a magic lamp) and get three wishes. First, GROSS. Belly buttons are disgusting, yo. I wouldn't want anyone sticking their hand in there. And second, Chris is a grown man! Treat him like one. But, despite this, Chris is a man, so they make out, but Ashley's inexperience totally comes out here, because she grabs his head and holds onto it for dear life while she kisses him so fiercely that I thought his head was going to pop off. He's not an olive, Ashley! You don't have to squeeze the pit out! </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">The other cocktail party drama was that Jordan and Tara were both drunk. Again. Zzzz. And, clink clink! It's time for the rose ceremony! Getting roses tonight are: </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">Britt</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">Ashley I.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">Trina</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">Kelsey</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">Samantha</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">Juelia - NOT JILLIAN, who falls over in her enthusiasm</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">Amber</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">Tracey</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">Now your turn, Jillian</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">Jade</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">Nikki</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">Becca</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">Carly</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">Whitney (oh hello crazy annoying voice girl, nice to see you again)</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">and .... Ashley S.??? Seriously? Wow. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">Leaving us tonight are Kimberly (again! No means no this time!), Tara ("I'll get used to rejection one day. This will haunt me for the rest of my life.") Tandra, Alissa, and Drunk Jordan ("Maybe I should have kissed him?" No honey. No you shouldn't have.)</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">Whew! Enough drama for me for awhile, Rose Enthusiasts! I'll see you next week, and until then, I'll be researching psychiatrists in the greater Los Angeles area to recommend to Ashley S and her family members. </span></span><br />
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JulientKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11155222436883944609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4939799295116483917.post-58721098793601940392015-01-06T21:32:00.000-07:002015-01-07T14:08:58.807-07:00Prince Farming is Here!<div style="text-align: right;">
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well, well, well, Rose Enthusiasts! We have returned from a much too long hiatus for yet another season of drama, tears, and discarded foliage. Welcome to another season of the best train-wreck on television, THE BACHELOR! It shouldn't amaze me that there is an apparent surplus of emotionally unstable women willing to exploit themselves on national television in pursuit of <strike>free alcohol</strike> love, but, either way, it entertains me, and I am satisfied. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This season, we are re-introduced to Farmer/Hottie Chris Soules, who was the classiest dude on television when he got dumped pre-fantasy suite by Andi on The Bachelorette. Considering that Andi went on to "make love with" (eww) <strike>Normcore</strike> Crybaby Nick and not Chris, this can only say good things about him, right? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have to say, Chris's intro package is one of my favorites that they have ever had on the show. Between the shirtless grain-shoveling (did this remind ANYONE else of Scrooge McDuck swimming in his money??), push-ups aided by hay bales, squats using a rock (because Iowa is ghetto and has no fitness equipment), a jaunt in an outdoor shower (because Chris is <strike>ripped</strike> rugged), and Chris discussing "bushels" surrounded by a table of old men at a diner to emphasize the lack of available young people or women in Arlington, I could not have been more delighted! During the intro, we see appearances from Chris's sisters (to remind us all that Chris is LOADED) and everyone's favorite roided out Kewpie, Cody, who assists in the gratuitous farm fitness routine. Nice to see you all again! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When we arrive at La Casa Bachelor, the two Chrises (Harrison and our Hero, respectively), chat amiably about the imminent arrival of the "ladies," and when they arrive, boy are there some winners! Because night one has so many personalities to handle, I would like to reintroduce Night One Bachelor Superlatives! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Worst "Love" Metaphors</b> goes to Alissa, a flight attendant who leaves us with classics such as "there will be no smoking on the aircraft, unless you're smoking hot!" </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Most Adorable Meet-Cute</b>: Kelsey, a guidance counselor who lost her husband unexpectedly a couple of years ago. Their exchange about just being a "regular guy/girl" was so presh I almost fell off the couch. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>"I should be sent home because I named my child after a vegetable"</b>: Mackenzie, who named her kid Kale. Granted, she is only 21, which makes me feel even sorrier for her, because she clearly has no idea she's fitting the "clueless single mom" quota this season. But seriously, someone tell Chris her kid's name, and quickly. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Most Likely to be Confused with a Pack Animal:</b> Jillian, a news producer with - no joke - the largest thighs I have ever seen on this program, including Cody's. She likes to dead-lift like a man, and we need to be ok with it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Most Annoying Voice Ever. EVER:</b> Whitney, a fertility nurse (she actually uses the word "insemination" during her intro with Chris. Yikes.), who sounds like what I imagine a cross-breed between Fran Drescher and one of the Teletubbies would sound like. She also gets bonus points for the most pathetic of all the intros, by actually allowing the producers to film her looking longingly at a public wedding shoot. Save yourself some dignity, Whitney, it's only the first episode. </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I am Norma Bates!"</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Most Likely to Have Sprung From the Loins of Norman Bates</b>: Amanda, who not only has the crazy eyes, but actually sneaks up on Chris and doesn't have him look at her so that she can be his "secret admirer" and has to come find her in the house. That's not weird. She also announces that she is "f___ing crazy" and that's why she's still single. Yikes. Run! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>I'm Here to Fill a Quota, but at Least There's Free Wine</b>: Token black girl Amber, who we don't get to hear much about, and Bo, a plus-size model. They must REALLY not have wanted her to make it past night one, because her dress is pretty much ugliest one I've ever seen, and her name is BO. Seriously? Seriously? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Creepiest Creepster 2.0:</b> Reegan, who works in a tissue bank, and actually brings a cooler with a fake heart in it. WHO TOLD YOU THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA? One Tree Hill already <a href="http://theremotegeneration.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/dog-eats-dans-heart.jpg">did this</a> and it ended poorly! At least fill the cooler with roses or cookies or something! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>The Reason the Infantilization of Women is Rampant</b>: Carly, who is wearing a little girl's princess dress, carrying a pink karaoke machine, and singing a made-up song. She reminded me of my cousin's three-year-old, and not in a good way. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>We Learned Our Lesson with <strike>Boobs McGee</strike> Lucy Last Season, so We'll try a Less Severe Hippie</b>: Britt, who is filmed walking around LA offering free hugs. She's the first one out of the limo, and she pulls Chris into an awkwardly long embrace. Like several ice ages long and awkward. Evidently, he's into her though because not only does she get the First Impression Rose, but she also gets the first make out sesh of the season! She might actually be a contender. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>We Haven't Blurred any Nether Regions in Awhile, So Why Not? Award</b>: Brittany, who is - get this - a WWE Diva in Training. She trots up to the mansh wearing what appears to be a scant amount of leftover doilies sewn together to just barely cover her hoo-ha. They blurred her crotch on not one, not two, but on at least three occasions during her short tenure. Impressive. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> <b>Someone Needs to Get Sloppy Drunk, so it Might as Well be Me: </b>Tara, who showed up out of the limo dressed in shorts and a flannel shirt to demonstrate to Chris how down-to-earth and normal she is. Pretty bold. I was into it. However, upon receiving looks that could traumatize puppies from the other "ladies," she runs back, changes into a dress apropos for a funeral and sneaks back around to "reintroduce" herself to Chris, and it is just sad. To recover from this double humiliation, she spends some quality time with her friends Jack Daniels and Jim Beam and with their generous help, manages to almost fall off the risers during the rose ceremony. Oh, Tara, if you are going to drink that much, at least wear flats.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There were quite a few other winners, like drove up on a motorcycle chick, 4th grade teacher/maybe cat lady chick, chick with a title card that said 25 but a neck that said 40, chick with the fake pig nose, but my two favorites were:</span><br />
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<a href="http://bloximages.chicago2.vip.townnews.com/siouxcityjournal.com/content/tncms/assets/v3/editorial/2/13/213fd55e-7e92-5afa-b723-826fd89fbf7d/5499af98ec4a5.preview-620.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="http://bloximages.chicago2.vip.townnews.com/siouxcityjournal.com/content/tncms/assets/v3/editorial/2/13/213fd55e-7e92-5afa-b723-826fd89fbf7d/5499af98ec4a5.preview-620.jpg" height="133" width="200" /></span></a><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Kaitlyn</b>, a dance teacher, who proceeded to tell Chris that he could "plow the f___ out of her fields any day" and then tell a joke during the first toast that made me never want to look at sea wildlife the same way again. Her next move leads me to believe that her "dance" instruction usually involves cylindrical metal rods of considerable height, as she puts her leggings on and teaches Chris some potentially slutty moves. Instinctively, I reached into my purse for some ones...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">and</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtybXrs5bXKJs0zXVpU84037fLVpaRiARrZsdIYYzkWS57_-z9mdSHsXTBJTdRsIILf5HkwqjjWG7Mow_T0I8Bc1Fc6aDpQsqHoIUAjamX3HQsZqbHLAgtA9Rzs5yjcfnLD7Q0Lyo0AlQ6/s1600/Screenshot+2015-01-06+20.54.04.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtybXrs5bXKJs0zXVpU84037fLVpaRiARrZsdIYYzkWS57_-z9mdSHsXTBJTdRsIILf5HkwqjjWG7Mow_T0I8Bc1Fc6aDpQsqHoIUAjamX3HQsZqbHLAgtA9Rzs5yjcfnLD7Q0Lyo0AlQ6/s1600/Screenshot+2015-01-06+20.54.04.png" height="200" width="149" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"I'm mystified by fruit!"</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Ashley S.,</b> a hairstylist, who not only had one of the worst heads of hair on the show, got pretty outrageously wasted and announced to Chris her dream of "riding through sunflowers on a horse" and then got horrifically distracted by a mysterious fruit during her interview. Her musings went something like this:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Ok. That to me is an onion if you want to take a look. It's blooming. Take a freaking look at this onion. I'm not even kidding. I swear it's an onion. Can I please just pick it?! If it's a pomegranate then God bless it! It is a pomegranate! It is! Wow. I feel powerful!"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Clearly, she is going to go far in life.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The rose ceremony had its usual ups and downs, including a bemused Chris leaving in the middle to reconsider his plan to give Tara a rose after her sloppy drunk showcase on the risers, but, he perseveres, and these ladies live to see another rose ceremony:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Kaitlyn (eww!)</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Jade</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Samantha</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ashley I. </span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Kendra</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Nikki</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Kelsey</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Megan</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Alissa</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Amber</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Juelia </b>(can we discuss the crack-addled people that spelled their child's name this way?)</span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Becca</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Nameless Blonde </b>(actual quote from my notes)</span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mackenzie</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Tracy</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Tara </b>(get her some coffee)</span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Jordan</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Jillian</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Carly</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b>
and the final rose of the night goes to:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The onion enthusiast, <b>Ashley I.!</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b>
Judging from the selection, this is going to be a GREAT season. Maybe not for Chris, but certainly for sick onlookers like me. Until next week, enjoy this picture of our own Love Guru, doing what he does best.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3962wiNNjFFmjn85_gXhLy3gqz-wroplkF-LBudomGkjmmwl5ybh0SILv_UUg2b-U0fjVqYNEezSCCM_4GT4Fxj55r-lBb-sCcO2YbOt7XU1t1BNwDw48MYhyQ8hxgEAUQZqO33YeZ9QX/s1600/Screenshot+2015-01-06+21.30.18.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3962wiNNjFFmjn85_gXhLy3gqz-wroplkF-LBudomGkjmmwl5ybh0SILv_UUg2b-U0fjVqYNEezSCCM_4GT4Fxj55r-lBb-sCcO2YbOt7XU1t1BNwDw48MYhyQ8hxgEAUQZqO33YeZ9QX/s1600/Screenshot+2015-01-06+21.30.18.png" height="320" width="202" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Love ya, Harrison!</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />JulientKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11155222436883944609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4939799295116483917.post-47989790051675957302014-07-16T07:45:00.000-07:002014-07-16T07:45:40.836-07:00Cutting it loose. <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkxukFo8Imf0BqxFLtmcXInRzgBSg0sORHxYVtJFjgvlCJuqFkOb_5VVfCLD9B5Hvg5ogF0SuGjXQgNo0cfFbU1qPrUdMx1SeQ0Eq7UWXeCjWXDp3aLHG5_1S0CCTWJf0zhFNj1L1v3MCS/s1600/Screenshot+2014-05-20+04.59.59.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkxukFo8Imf0BqxFLtmcXInRzgBSg0sORHxYVtJFjgvlCJuqFkOb_5VVfCLD9B5Hvg5ogF0SuGjXQgNo0cfFbU1qPrUdMx1SeQ0Eq7UWXeCjWXDp3aLHG5_1S0CCTWJf0zhFNj1L1v3MCS/s1600/Screenshot+2014-05-20+04.59.59.png" height="235" width="320" /></a>Well, well, Rose Enthusiasts, after a few weeks taking a break from the blog due to chaperoning junior high church events, I am back, and ready to maybe not recap the whole episode, because, let's be honest, not much happened, but give some highlights/thoughts of last night's Fantasy Suite shenanigans.<br />
<br />
1) How many times did they have to say that they were in the Dominican Republic? I mean, really? The product placement has been completely OUT OF CONTROL this season, with the constant hotel name dropping, the reminders of where in the actual heck they are all the time, to having Andi spew clearly scripted facts about each place. I was growing weary of hearing "Dominican Republic" after about two minutes, and I've actually been there.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAyZ3h9fjN1Y4voCl4JGALp7eL_8LJ_VUrR5P68rz_EymaZYr5Xm_M3yOEdJxKxQZsIgERhf6ff7B2rF0V5knVTx9UfrUFqjMums-x66ekA0c_4ZVR8mFvWp4dtKQJ2B4zbG-47xL8FawP/s1600/Screenshot+2014-07-15+19.30.46.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAyZ3h9fjN1Y4voCl4JGALp7eL_8LJ_VUrR5P68rz_EymaZYr5Xm_M3yOEdJxKxQZsIgERhf6ff7B2rF0V5knVTx9UfrUFqjMums-x66ekA0c_4ZVR8mFvWp4dtKQJ2B4zbG-47xL8FawP/s1600/Screenshot+2014-07-15+19.30.46.png" height="183" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Nick's alter ego. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
2) Nick. Oh Lord. I don't even know where to start with this fool. First of all, since I haven't commented on the last few weeks, I can't even begin to figure out the appeal of this guy. He is SUCH a baby! Basically, he has been walking around like the hare before the tortoise kicked his cocky behind to the curb, and I do not find it appealing in the least. Not to mention, the way his family talked about his previous breakup last week and the way he has acted every time something doesn't go his way, I can totally see how he could be the type that would just be aggressively not okay after being dumped. Not to mention, his storybook he made for Andi last night was totally creepy. What was up with the bikini clad people making out on the bed? I mean, seriously? Vile! I do not want to be reminded that she is going to probably actually engage in coitus with these people she barely knows and on three consecutive nights. Yuck. The big conflict in the Nick narrative last night was whether or not he was going to tell Andi he loved her (not, as I would have suspected, whether or not he would have been visible from space under a black light considering all of the neon he was sporting), and he eventually did, using no fewer than 50 words. "I love what I know about you. Like, I love that you're a serious girl who doesn't take herself so seriously. I love that you know what you want but you can go with the flow... I love that you're very confident and strong but not afraid to be vulnerable. And [pause] I love you, Andi." Good heavens, Harry Burns. Get to the point! But Andi loves it, and off they go to the fantasy suite so that Nick can "talk her ear off." Sure. Whatever.<br />
<br />
2) Josh. I don't know about any of you, but with Josh, I have the exact opposite problem Ih have with Nick. Whereas Nick can't seem to shut his face, I have yet to see Josh say anything of meaning whatsoever! The parts of their date we see don't involve much talking except that we do get to see Josh pick up some sort of liquid aphrodisiac (to help him not pull an Ed in the Fantasy Suite?), and he does pull her aside and tell her he loves her, which he "means for the first time ever" (a blow to all of Josh's previous paramours, no?), but basically with the same affect that I would use to describe my love for taking Flintstones vitamins. Andi must be with me a little bit on this, because she is still unsure about what's up when she and Josh have dinner, but Josh shrugs off her questions with prosaic answers and beautiful teeth. Basically, her conflict is that she doesn't want to have traveled all of this way to end up with the same kind of brainless jock she has dated before. But who cares about that right? To the Fantasy Suite they go!<br />
<br />
3) Chriiiiiiis. UGH. It was so sad! After spending the day horseback riding, Andi decides to cut Chris loose halfway through dinner. She tries to make it sound like it isn't because she can't see herself living in Iowa, but you can tell that that's totally part of it. But what was so great about it was the way Chris was a total class act about it. He was disappointed, but he didn't storm off, he didn't pout, he didn't badmouth her to the limo-cam. It was so refreshing! Good for you, Chris. I respect you, man.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifl5NOLAqx9ehlm5VoviJtDvNUkEfwHUT8lLcFvB8HoptBgJW4qyzJ3wMjsFFv36OAEunC-GIOMmXDcIDQj1O72kjCEQFPj3iL6e6hydEdDx4qdTkO2j-KJlSvk2vpcAyKCaOTQS9mbC7W/s1600/Screenshot+2014-07-15+19.51.33.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifl5NOLAqx9ehlm5VoviJtDvNUkEfwHUT8lLcFvB8HoptBgJW4qyzJ3wMjsFFv36OAEunC-GIOMmXDcIDQj1O72kjCEQFPj3iL6e6hydEdDx4qdTkO2j-KJlSvk2vpcAyKCaOTQS9mbC7W/s1600/Screenshot+2014-07-15+19.51.33.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Andi! Amahl the tentmaker called,<br />
says he has your new dress ready! </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
So, at the end, there is a completely unnecessary Rose Ceremony in which Andi gives the guys an opportunity to "reject the rose." Um. More than likely they just accepted your carnal rose, missy, so what makes you think they are going to reject your actual flower? But, I digress. Roses are accepted by both Nick and Josh, and we are off to the finale!<br />
<br />
4). One last comment - WHO was making Andi's dresses this week? Every single thing she had on was an unflattering MESS. Stacy and Clinton need to pull her aside and teach her the importance of finding silhouettes to enhance her figure, not hide it behind billows of unnecessary fabric!<br />
<br />
Well, I think that about covers it. Next week? The trash mouthing of Nick will commence with this installment of "Men Tell All!" Can't wait! Until then!JulientKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11155222436883944609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4939799295116483917.post-59610186135006306412014-06-24T13:26:00.000-07:002014-06-24T13:26:53.023-07:00Tell Me Sweet Little Lies<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkxukFo8Imf0BqxFLtmcXInRzgBSg0sORHxYVtJFjgvlCJuqFkOb_5VVfCLD9B5Hvg5ogF0SuGjXQgNo0cfFbU1qPrUdMx1SeQ0Eq7UWXeCjWXDp3aLHG5_1S0CCTWJf0zhFNj1L1v3MCS/s1600/Screenshot+2014-05-20+04.59.59.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkxukFo8Imf0BqxFLtmcXInRzgBSg0sORHxYVtJFjgvlCJuqFkOb_5VVfCLD9B5Hvg5ogF0SuGjXQgNo0cfFbU1qPrUdMx1SeQ0Eq7UWXeCjWXDp3aLHG5_1S0CCTWJf0zhFNj1L1v3MCS/s1600/Screenshot+2014-05-20+04.59.59.png" height="236" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Buonasera, Rose Enthusiasts! This week's episode of the Bachelorette is brought to you from Venice, Italy aka the "Most Romantic City in the World!<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.200000762939453px;">™" I suppose that sending our merry crew to Venice makes sense, as it is known for throwing ragers for Carnival, and people wear masks so they can participate in debauchery and no one can know who they are. Much like everyone on this program. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.200000762939453px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.200000762939453px;">We open with the guys taking a nice boat ride around Venice, where Grumpy-Pants Nick confides to the camera that he hopes the week in Italy will be better than the week in France, where he "sucked on the last group date." Cody is hoping this is his week for a one-on-one since he's the only one left who hasn't had one. Well, Kewpie, I hope that you get a one-on-one, because if not, you're totally going home. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.200000762939453px;"><br /></span></span>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgb-bR9Y4BKmhVpUETEzMcXQfYCpUUVRswY4BKGN3KtE3hUQMldv86jLfWX3CchSrXDX8ErIiE2nCsFiwH9gHan3s-76CJedq2YW3gM0UjQhHVK9YvVQrHJnir5r8yHYSOT_21wj3Zl_2Fl/s1600/Screenshot+2014-06-16+21.51.49.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgb-bR9Y4BKmhVpUETEzMcXQfYCpUUVRswY4BKGN3KtE3hUQMldv86jLfWX3CchSrXDX8ErIiE2nCsFiwH9gHan3s-76CJedq2YW3gM0UjQhHVK9YvVQrHJnir5r8yHYSOT_21wj3Zl_2Fl/s1600/Screenshot+2014-06-16+21.51.49.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Where's my one-on-one??"<br />
- Cody</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.200000762939453px;">After disembarking the boat, the guys meet up with Andi, who says - SURPRISE! - the first one-on-one date starts right now! Everyone is expecting Cody to be on this date since he hasn't had one, but today's one-on-one is going to be with .... Nick! Win one for Grumpy-Pants. Andi basically says she doesn't care if the guys aren't happy she picked Nick, but that she needs to make sure Nick isn't a huge jerkface before sending him on to next week. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.200000762939453px;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5WEw3wkbJIbbO67QclLaxEFZgZFfTa8LPuhG99rVYUmlYk0NMZRRf_gqf0ej1XrgjYOjZKYefIyMWdINbnRBNPKXmwoq6WiRiRhA_LhiBrvOUS63oOx8casKEz95snmdYYWHd2SP0t14O/s1600/Screenshot+2014-06-24+11.11.20.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5WEw3wkbJIbbO67QclLaxEFZgZFfTa8LPuhG99rVYUmlYk0NMZRRf_gqf0ej1XrgjYOjZKYefIyMWdINbnRBNPKXmwoq6WiRiRhA_LhiBrvOUS63oOx8casKEz95snmdYYWHd2SP0t14O/s1600/Screenshot+2014-06-24+11.11.20.png" height="200" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Why wasn't I on this date?" - Bert</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.200000762939453px;">While Nick and Andi are walking around Venice, they are marveling about how there isn't just one romantic square or one romantic church or one romantic pigeon! The whole place is romantic! Andi is finding it difficult not to get swept up in the romance of Venice, but she must press on, because there is business that needs to be discussed with Nick about his behavior in the house, his behavior on the last group date, his interactions with the guys, etc. Detective Dorfman is on the case! </span></span>Nick sort of apologizes for his cranky behavior last week, and says he's going to do better, but Andi (and me too) remains skeptical.<br />
<br />
Later in the evening, Andi emerges from the shadows (what is this - Dick Tracy?) wearing a gold lam<span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, sans-serif; line-height: 18.200000762939453px;">é evening gown. Nick is hoping that during dinner the opportunity presents itself to tell Andi that he's falling in love with her (too soon, buddy!). During dinner, Andi's all, "Don't think I brought you here because I like you, I brought you here because you were a rampant douche bag last week, and I need to figure this shiz out before you get to come with us next week!" Nick attempts to defend himself, saying that his feelings were "hurt" when Cody said that he was "overconfident" about his standing with Andi (um, no one made you openly declare yourself the front runner!), and when Andi straight up asks him if he thinks he's the front runner, he says, "I don't like that word..." (So clearly, you do.) Choosing his words very carefully, he tells Andi that he is "fortunate and grateful" to have the connection they share, and that he "cannot imagine" someone else having the same connection with her. Good save? Yup. "I can confidently say that I am definitely falling in love..." he whispers, and Andi is all over it. Rose, meet lapel. </span><br />
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Group date card! If Cody is on the card, he is totally going to throw himself in front of a train. Going on this week's group date are: Josh, Marcus, JJ, Dylan, Brian, and Chris! Whew. Cody is going on a one-on-one. Crisis averted.<br />
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Before we get on with the group date, however, we check back in with Andi, who has received another note from her secret admirer! Who is it? We have no idea, but I imagine that the secret will be coming out, because today's group date involves a lie detector test! I can't believe there have been this many seasons of the show without having one, and I am pumped! The guys, however, look less than pleased about this development, and rightfully so. "How accurate are these things?" wonders Josh. Chris is also concerned because he has a secret he wants to tell Andi, but he didn't think it would come out during the lie detector test! Ooooh. Wonder what it is?<br />
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Most of the "confessions" during the lie detector test were pretty boring (Josh cheated on a test, Marcus likes brunettes, etc.) except that Dylan has slept with over 20 women. Um. Gross. He also doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom. Still not as gross as the first. The lie detector test proves to be too much for Dylan, who decides to bow out of the date early due to a "stomach issue" (fecal borne illness is the worst), or as it is more likely, so he doesn't have to be confronted by his outrageous amount of sexual conquests on national television.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm1NKrgBfUjINJ272iqGdrS9fB84wlSD_U4CG1T1yElUi7LFXX2uIZH0ydL6s7CFmDt-NZkg0nyZkfH1kaqZNUEAeOB1ymyUgWzHCID2T0YvNZFc0hFGaEzQRu-Lm515bNe3VUlhbzjRNu/s1600/Screenshot+2014-06-24+12.08.20.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm1NKrgBfUjINJ272iqGdrS9fB84wlSD_U4CG1T1yElUi7LFXX2uIZH0ydL6s7CFmDt-NZkg0nyZkfH1kaqZNUEAeOB1ymyUgWzHCID2T0YvNZFc0hFGaEzQRu-Lm515bNe3VUlhbzjRNu/s1600/Screenshot+2014-06-24+12.08.20.png" height="200" width="141" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Chris does not have any<br />
troglodytic relatives. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Chris's big secret is...he's Andi's secret admirer! Booooo. Boring! I was hoping that he had a troglodytic half-brother or something. Disappointment waits for no one, however, and the results of the test are in! According to our experts, three of the guys told zero lies, one told two lies, and two men lied THREE times. Yikes. But before we can let the drama really heat up by finding out who exactly lied about what and with whom, Andi decides to rip up the guys' results in the name of "authenticity" because "she trusts them." I'm with you, girl. Ignorance is bliss. But, for the record, Andi's test results showed that she doesn't believe all of the guys are there for the Right Reasons<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 18.200000762939453px;">™, so at least she's not completely obtuse. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 18.200000762939453px;">At the cocktail party, Brian takes charge first, and administers a makeshift "lie detector" test with her hand on his heart (Cute? I can't decide). The only question that matters in his line of questioning is the last one, which was, "Do you want to make out?" "You're lying!" he giggles when she says no. So they make out, which is pretty much all we have seen these two do. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 18.200000762939453px;">When Marcus sits down with Andi, he tells her that he wanted to leave before he went on his one-on-one and finishes by telling Andi that he's in love with her. Again. Tone it down, Marcus! Josh continues to complain about the lie detector test during his one-on-one time, which I do NOT understand. Why exactly is he b****ing so much about having to -GASP- tell the truth? Obviously, he is hiding something (unless it's that he's a bit of a lummox, in which case, that's not a secret) Calm it down, man. The date rose goes to Chris, who finally cops to being the secret admirer. Andi loved it. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 18.200000762939453px;">After the rose is given out, JJ hops aboard the sour grapes train and whines about how he is "sick" of everyone else getting roses. Well, JJ, everyone else isn't wearing ridiculous pants and don't have faces like clowns. Of course they're getting roses. </span>Chris is not going to let JJ ruin his moment of victory, and declares "Sit there and be sour grapes. I could give a f--- less, buddy... Your f---ing true colors will shine throughout this whole process, and people will see that." Daaaaaaaang. Who knew Chris could bust it out like that? Chris - 1 JJ - 0<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgl4XWW9OsZ2KoW_kBaOPRPt-yQKjO2yJQf-T67jO0MqG5hITIgPNKe6pXCTedv2OwdXm0Rb9Em0MgEcfwSc2j-StqoaN5MEwxuT01nTEuRSXa5ERQuZOFqp-BaoJUB06BhB_b8-ZMBuGqa/s1600/Screenshot+2014-06-24+12.12.37.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgl4XWW9OsZ2KoW_kBaOPRPt-yQKjO2yJQf-T67jO0MqG5hITIgPNKe6pXCTedv2OwdXm0Rb9Em0MgEcfwSc2j-StqoaN5MEwxuT01nTEuRSXa5ERQuZOFqp-BaoJUB06BhB_b8-ZMBuGqa/s1600/Screenshot+2014-06-24+12.12.37.png" height="200" width="172" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bye, Cody! </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
It's time for Cody's date, and I'm sure it was no accident that he got put on this one, and not because of a good reason. Listen, we all know Cody is NOT going to win. So why keep him around? So that they could make his exit as awkward as possible.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 18.200000762939453px;">But, because Cody has the apparent brain power of the doll he looks so much like (Ken or a Kewpie. Take your pick), he has no idea that he is going to be put up to something waaaaaaay outside his comfort zone: Writing. Everyone should know right there that this cannot be going anywhere good. The date is taking place at Club de Guilette, where real people send letters asking for love advice from the Shakespeare character. Let's pause for a moment of silence for anyone desperate enough to write a letter in earnest to such a place. *pause* Moving on. Andi and Cody write back to a fellow named "Jason," giving him sound advice like "be yourself" and such. Andi tries to muster enthusiasm, but it couldn't be more obvious that she is just not feeling Cody. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 18.200000762939453px;">Cody, on the other hand, has no idea. He remains enthusiastic throughout dinner (where he is wearing a deep V-neck shirt? Seriously? This is the Bachelorette, not some "Sun's Out, Guns Out" spring break program), even reading Andi a love letter professing his feelings for her. It's beyond uncomfortable. While he reads, Andi begins crying tears of "It's finally time to send someone home on a date" and weeps, "I can't keep you around until next week. It's not fair!" effectively breaking the bad news. The mystery luggage people come get Cody's luggage, and it's ciao to our personal trainer who never should have made it this far. I hope someone somewhere appreciates your strange tuft of hair and newly waxed chest, because you seem sort of nice, even if you're a little dim-witted. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 18.200000762939453px;">Nick takes the reins at the cocktail party, pulling Andi aside to immediately swap saliva. "That's a man!" Andi gushes to the camera, clearly into it. The rest of the guys hurry to catch up. Josh offers a forced apology for being so upset about the lie detector date, JJ aims straight for the make out, Brian reads a poem, Marcus drops the l-bomb again, Dylan continues to get away with being a man-whore with poop hands. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 18.200000762939453px;">When the roses are handed out, they are pinned on Dylan (ewww), Marcus, Josh, and Brian, leaving poor JJ alone and rose-less. Like I said, there was no way he was going to win, so this shouldn't be a surprise. Andi tells him that they are just "not on the same page" (read: the other guys are so much hotter than you, and you're kind of a goof), and JJ is off in the Limo of Shame. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 18.200000762939453px;">Long week, Rose Enthusiasts, but I am looking forward to this "journey" coming to a close here in the next few weeks. Until then, I'm going to figure out how to hitchhike back to Italy. Ciao! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.200000762939453px;"><br /></span></span>JulientKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11155222436883944609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4939799295116483917.post-20517473564970958102014-06-17T09:21:00.001-07:002014-06-17T10:13:55.643-07:00French [Milque]toast - Bachelorette Recap! <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkxukFo8Imf0BqxFLtmcXInRzgBSg0sORHxYVtJFjgvlCJuqFkOb_5VVfCLD9B5Hvg5ogF0SuGjXQgNo0cfFbU1qPrUdMx1SeQ0Eq7UWXeCjWXDp3aLHG5_1S0CCTWJf0zhFNj1L1v3MCS/s1600/Screenshot+2014-05-20+04.59.59.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkxukFo8Imf0BqxFLtmcXInRzgBSg0sORHxYVtJFjgvlCJuqFkOb_5VVfCLD9B5Hvg5ogF0SuGjXQgNo0cfFbU1qPrUdMx1SeQ0Eq7UWXeCjWXDp3aLHG5_1S0CCTWJf0zhFNj1L1v3MCS/s1600/Screenshot+2014-05-20+04.59.59.png" height="148" width="200" /></a></div>
Welcome back, Rose Enthusiasts! Not going to lie, I totally enjoyed last week's Hillary-induced break from this craziness. But, alas, not all reprieves can last forever, and we have roses to hand out and hearts to break! So let's get to it.<br />
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This week's stop on the tour is Marseille, France, which, according to Andi is, "the perfect place to fall in love." Um, I hate to break it to you, sweetheart, but a vacant lot could be the perfect place to fall in love as long as you have enough ABC-purchased booze and some candles.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbcdrAsNKm_wvP4gmxOJXvwRobSVCfILvl-xld65VaVyeu56FFFyN82vmy72Ac0gaflsU4rl1oPRtWUc9fBOFNyLVPPCm0cwiEFUL787h45zkD9H85_bbOXDndcjKDbGV14B3QIzerGsL0/s1600/Screenshot+2014-06-16+22.38.26.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbcdrAsNKm_wvP4gmxOJXvwRobSVCfILvl-xld65VaVyeu56FFFyN82vmy72Ac0gaflsU4rl1oPRtWUc9fBOFNyLVPPCm0cwiEFUL787h45zkD9H85_bbOXDndcjKDbGV14B3QIzerGsL0/s1600/Screenshot+2014-06-16+22.38.26.png" height="200" width="137" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I want my skirt back" <br />
- A California Raisin </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
First up, we have a pre-date interview with our fearless host, Chris Harrison, who comes right out and asks Andi if she is falling in love with any of the guys. Andi's reply? "Staaaahp!" Like he was supposed to ask her about her visit to the Suave Professionals Salon? Please. On a similar note, anyone seen this <a href="http://www.thewrap.com/the-bachelorette-andi-dorfman-cant-stop-saying-stop-jimmy-kimmel-video/">work of brilliance</a>? Also, what in the actual heck was up with Andi's skirt? Not a good look for anybody.<br />
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<span style="text-align: center;">It's the usual schedule this week, two one-on-one dates and a group date. Of course, the first one-on-one is going to Josh, who I am surprised hadn't gotten a date sooner. Maybe there wasn't one mind-numbing enough to put him on yet? The date card arrives and it is all in French, which I can only assume means that, roughly translated, it says, "Who cares? Let's make out!" since that's what all of the dates have been devolving into. </span><br />
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<span style="text-align: center;">After Andi retrieves Josh from the hotel, the two wander around, ordering sandwiches, speaking extremely poor French, and not putting more than an inch of space between them. Detach, people. This isn't a three-legged race. Eventually, the two end up on a boat (of course), make out almost immediately, and Andi tells the camera that she is "concerned" that their physical chemistry (which is "insane") is all there is. Dude, a troll could have physical chemistry with this guy. I mean, he almost looks like he descended from Mt. Olympus. However, Andi is not going to let this get in her way. She is going to find out if there is something there! Translation: Andi really wants to be attracted to more than "Josh the Beautiful Athlete" so if he says something more coherent than Paula Abdul on an average Tuesday, she'll let him slide on through. </span><br />
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<span style="text-align: center;">The "who can touch who more?" Olympics continue on the boat, while Andi probes Josh about his baseball past. Apparently he was maybe a big deal five years ago, but it has been that long since he played (a google search found no conclusive evidence that he has done anything but sit on his butt since then), because he wants a family or something. Or maybe you just weren't that good. Over dinner, Andi continues her investigation to find out if anything is under Josh's dura mater to match his perfect teeth. Josh is at least sensible enough to realize he had better step up his game in this area and addresses their lack of actual conversation thus far straightaway. Andi confesses to Josh that her previous relationships with athletes have not resulted in the most faithful of unions. Josh encourages Andi not to judge him (too late!) based on his "athlete lifestyle" (that he hasn't lived in five years) and even tells a story about how a girl he was with kissed someone else once. I wouldn't exactly call it a home run, but it's good enough for our prosecutor! Rose offered and accepted. Pretty boy stays. Commence concert by nameless hipster. </span><br />
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<span style="text-align: center;">We interrupt our regularly scheduled program to bring you the arrival of the group date card! Andrew is not going to be having it if his name is on the group date again, so of course, you know that means that he is obviously going to be on the group date. Joining Andrew on the group date will be Marcus, Dylan, Chris, Nick, Marquel, Cody, JJ, and Patrick. The card simply says "</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; line-height: 35px;">❤</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> Andi." Hmm. Mystery! In the meantime, the guys discuss who they would like to see on the dreaded 2-on-1 date, and it is unanimously purported that Andrew should receive that [dis]honor. Not only did he maybe-maybe not get that phone number a few weeks back, but JJ tells Marquel and Brian that Andrew referred to Marquel and Ron as the "two blackies" at the first rose ceremony. Oh no, you DIH-IDNT! You can't just comment on how people are black, Andrew! "He could have said 'black guys'" confesses JJ, "but I wasn't that drunk." Ooooh. Scandal. Marquel is visibly emotional about this, and confesses that he wants to be more than just "the black guy." Too bad you aren't more than that to the producers. Do you think you would have been chosen if you weren't black? </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsAg5x8tJ6T7BH2MLsuWi2PF6DMUI4CA713xAX6C6tGhqNh8iAwo_GTzW-zWMk6_kvl7zkFq1ECXMnLtgPcy4KqghPnTGkhVrO__djXxszCjDwzLVh7wr7XtoV8GistgigAl1ldRy6IUNS/s1600/Screenshot+2014-06-17+08.08.05.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsAg5x8tJ6T7BH2MLsuWi2PF6DMUI4CA713xAX6C6tGhqNh8iAwo_GTzW-zWMk6_kvl7zkFq1ECXMnLtgPcy4KqghPnTGkhVrO__djXxszCjDwzLVh7wr7XtoV8GistgigAl1ldRy6IUNS/s1600/Screenshot+2014-06-17+08.08.05.png" height="175" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Not to allow actual issues to cloud this meaningless experience, a commercial break comes just in time and before you can say "Atticus Finch" it's time for the group date. The men walk up to Andi in a variety of surprisingly flamboyant outfits (poor Chris was totally misguided when he purchased those coral shorts), the worst of which is Andrew, who has apparently raided Tom Selleck's closet. Where are shorts of this douchey a magnitude even available?? </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi15ew0E-ej7gM8CRa1obsqdik-3K_tJcIK6deVdRzXDYB5Fbt5FZeTGPERUYWW526NgC9shzoKDY4hg3eMwVJkkKo2KGFgs5pJexJVXpfQkKxDu3JByexzVAAgGIhg-A4_irmS5KoGMFtd/s1600/Screenshot+2014-06-17+08.24.06.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi15ew0E-ej7gM8CRa1obsqdik-3K_tJcIK6deVdRzXDYB5Fbt5FZeTGPERUYWW526NgC9shzoKDY4hg3eMwVJkkKo2KGFgs5pJexJVXpfQkKxDu3JByexzVAAgGIhg-A4_irmS5KoGMFtd/s1600/Screenshot+2014-06-17+08.24.06.png" height="200" width="173" /></a><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Andi finally reveals the date activity, which is - MIMING! The guys receive some pretty lame lessons from an actual mime (which seems kind of ridiculous if they actually wanted them to do it correctly - words might be necessary), and waste no time taking their act to the streets. Unfortunately, the guys are about as good at miming as they were at singing. In other words, they were effing terrible. Marquel even makes a baby cry. No one, however is grumpier about this date than Nick, who visibly huffs around, refuses to participate, and spends the majority of the time with this look on his face. "This is just not natural," he complains, "and I am not going to pretend like it is going to be." Earth to Nick! What exactly <i>is</i> natural about this process? Oh wait. None of it? Ok. Good. Glad we settled that.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Eventually, Andi mimes that it's time to get their drink on, and the guys are whisked off to the after-party. JJ grabs Andi right away and takes her for a ride on the ferris wheel outside the building where the party is being held. "JJ didn't waste any time," grunts Marcus, who is sorry he didn't think of it first. While JJ and Andi are enjoying their ride, an awkward exchange breaks out among the guys when Chris suggests that "some guys" (Nick) may be acting like they deserve more than they do. "Do you think anyone here feels that way?" Nick asks Cody. "Um yeah. I get that sense from you," Cody retorts. Yikes! Cody thinks that Nick is walking around like he's the front runner, and when he confronts Nick about this, Nick flat-out says he thinks he's the front-runner. Geez, Nick. Humble, much? This, of course, goes over like a lead balloon with the rest of the guys, who chime in with a few disapproving grunts, but Nick tosses his head like he doesn't care. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When Andi and JJ return, Andi can see that all is not well in the state of suitor-dom, and proceeds to probe all of the rest of the guys about what happened while she was gone. She finally hits pay dirt with Cody and Chris, who confess Nick's arrogance. This does not set well with Andi, who is concerned that the two "nicest guys in the house" are saying these things about Nick. At first, Nick expresses reluctance to give his side of the story to Andi, but she brings out the big guns, saying "If I was your wife, would you tell me?" Even for the Bachelorette, this is a low blow. What is he supposed to say to that? He slowly recounts a few incidents where he was being rude to the other guys, but plays it off like it was no big deal. To the camera, Andi wonders if she is being "manipulated" by Nick (hint: you are). To heap manipulation upon manipulation, Nick begins reading her a FREE VERSE POEM, which calls her his "future" and "purpose" and calls upon her "strength" and other such nonsense. Ick. "It got complicated with Nick tonight," Andi tells the producers. Translation? "I'm pretty sure Nick is playing me, but I like pretty words, so he stays for now." </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Because this group date can't get any longer, Marquel also chooses to confront Andrew about his "blackies" comment in front of the other guys. Andrew, of course, denies this vehemently, smugly tells Marquel that it is "complete bulls___" and whines to Andi later that he is being "attacked" and isn't sure if this competition is "right for him." No one, including Marquel, believes anything he is saying, but the conflict ends there for now, because Marquel takes the high road and doesn't aggressively pursue it any further. JJ gets the group date rose, and we move on. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkiTH4dDOywhCzupafxLNcHUi1rmvQQx4PfjgiL8jQ2r0N04KmgrpL706DDlD9MN8pq6d7gmTcrkrCHg8CJaZFAVcwXm53EAx8bUMROewRMjqCzBmO89Di6Kvh-DDPsK5uKoZxPW5Dv-M/s1600/tumblr_movkoqly1A1swmuavo1_500.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkiTH4dDOywhCzupafxLNcHUi1rmvQQx4PfjgiL8jQ2r0N04KmgrpL706DDlD9MN8pq6d7gmTcrkrCHg8CJaZFAVcwXm53EAx8bUMROewRMjqCzBmO89Di6Kvh-DDPsK5uKoZxPW5Dv-M/s1600/tumblr_movkoqly1A1swmuavo1_500.gif" height="133" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The last date of the night is with Brian, and it is obvious that it will be a cooking-themed date from the word "recipe" on the date card. The two begin wandering around and just happen to wander into a private movie theater where they will be watching the food-themed, Disney-produced movie <i>The Hundred Foot Journey</i>. Aww. After the movie, the two go shopping for their own ingredients to prepare their own dinner. Unfortunately, Brian's hatred of cooking comes out loud and clear during the preparation, and he kvetches around while they cook with the same attitude as a man who has invested $1,000,000 in 8-track tapes. "In the movie, cooking was so romantic," Andi bemoans, "but this is NOT romantic." I'm not sure if this is due to Brian's attitude, or to Andi's stunning conversation starters, such as asking Brian if he likes broccoli, or whether or not he is a "cheese man." Scintillating. Eventually, the two ditch their homemade frog legs (Seriously? He doesn't cook and they start with amphibian appendages? Was chicken too simple for these fools?) and retire to a restaurant where, despite Brian's sour attitude, Andi gives him the rose, because she acknowledges that he was "way out of his element." As I said to my friend Lisa while we were watching last night, that shiz doesn't go away! Prune the tree, Andi! But what do I know, right? </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Maybe I used a little too much of that Suave<br />
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The next night, Andi sits down with Harrison and tells him that there is no need to have a cocktail party that night, because she knows who she is going to pick. That, or she realizes that her hair has everything in common with this picture of JT's fro c. 2000, and she is embarrassed. The guys are understandably annoyed by this, but, so it goes. Joining Brian, JJ, and Josh in the "winner's circle" this week are: Marcus, Dylan, Chris, Nick (yuck) and... CODY! WHAT. SERIOUSLY? Ken doll is still around???? I cannot believe she picked Cody over Marquel! Le sigh. Maybe they will make Marquel the first black Bachelor. A girl can dream, right? We will also be saying goodbye to Patrick (who I can tell you literally nothing about except that he has a butt chin), and Andrew, who seems to be relieved that this "vicious" process is over. Enjoy Bachelor in Paradise, buddy!<br />
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Wow. What a week! I can hardly wait for Andi and Cody's one-on-one next week. And when is the 2-on-1 going down?? Until then, Rose Enthusiasts, I'll be writing some poems. See you next week!JulientKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11155222436883944609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4939799295116483917.post-66159490624664927092014-06-13T13:49:00.000-07:002014-06-14T12:03:49.700-07:00When this Boy Girl Meets World? <a href="http://pmctvline2.files.wordpress.com/2014/04/girl-meets-world-poster.jpg?w=600&h=881" imageanchor="1" style="font-size: 12.727272033691406px; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="http://pmctvline2.files.wordpress.com/2014/04/girl-meets-world-poster.jpg?w=600&h=881" height="200" width="136" /></a>There are only a few things that are guaranteed to turn me into a puddle of crying mush, and they are, in no particular order: <br />
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1) Any and all of <i>Stepmom, </i>starring Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon. </div>
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2) The episode of Adventures in Odyssey when Eugene becomes a Christian (don't judge, it was really significant when I was 12). </div>
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3) When Dobby dies in <i>Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. </i>Or really, just all of reading <i>Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows</i>. </div>
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4) The end of <i>White Christmas. </i></div>
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5) "For Good."</div>
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All of these things are very sad, but there has not been a moment in pop culture history that continues to KILL me as this does, every time I catch a dang rerun of it. </div>
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When <i>Boy Meets World</i> went off the air, it was May 2000, and I had just promoted out of Valley Academy, and I was a mess. I had friends that I was never going to see again, a teacher I loved and wasn't going to get to <strike>bother</strike> see every day, and the daunting prospect of starting an entirely new life, which, at 14, was too much. So, what did I do? Recorded a VHS of this episode, holed up in my parents' bedroom, rewound this scene over and over again and cried my eyes out for three months (My parents are saints. Believe me).</div>
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I say all of this to say that <i>Boy Meets World</i> has meant a lot to me over the years. I have seen every episode multiple times, and my brother and I continue to quote it to each other on the reg. I'm still not over the several episodes where Cory and Topanga broke up because Cory kissed Lauren the ski tramp. Mr. Feeny is still my role model. The Plays-With-Squirrels episode is, as far as I am concerned, a television gem to be preserved and enjoyed for many generations. So, obviously, when I found out that Disney was reviving <i>BMW</i> with Ben Savage and Danielle Fishel parenting their own kid, the world ceased to spin and I have been following all news of the spinoff fairly religiously. Well, Christmas has come early, and the free download of the pilot has shown up on iTunes! Naturally, I have already downloaded and watched it, and basically, sort of loved it. </div>
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When we left Cory and Topanga in the last episode of <i>BMW</i>, they were off to New York, where Topanga had gotten an offer as an intern at a law firm. This is picking up in real time, we assume, since Cory and Topanga's daughter, Riley, is 13, which is about how many years the show had been off the air when they filmed the pilot. We don't find out exactly what Topanga's job is in the pilot, but we do find out that Cory and Topanga are still in New York, and Cory has taken up the post of middle school history teacher at John Quincy Adams Middle School (a homage to the setting of <i>BMW</i>, John Adams High School). Solid, and fits in with the character quite well, I think. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Let's not call it detention. I<br />
prefer "Hooked on Feeny!" - George Feeny<br />
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There were quite a few things about the pilot that I enjoyed, and one of which was the casting of Riley. Rowan Blanchard reminded me SO MUCH of Ben Savage in the early episodes of <i>BMW</i> that it was a little scary. She had the same facial expressions and a lot of the same cute voice inflections, and she definitely has the same sort of innocence that Cory's character had in the beginning of the show. In the same way, her best friend, Maya, who is clearly supposed to be Riley's Shawn, was just enough like Shawn, but not at all the same character. I got a sense that she was going to be much more difficult to control than Shawn ever was, which should be interesting for Disney Channel, since most of their shows have plots like, "How many views will Jessie get on her blog this week?" or whatever. Of course, I also appreciated the obligatory cameo from my hero, Mr. Feeny, who appears to Cory maybe as a dream, maybe not, when Cory gives Riley her "key to discover the world" (an NYC MetroCard), and telling him "Well, done, Mr. Matthews." I almost teared up just looking at it. Love Mr. Feeny. </div>
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I also appreciated that they haven't changed Cory's character as he has become a parent. Cory was always a bit of a meddler, and he hasn't changed in this incarnation. He actively attempts to separate Riley from the new cute guy in class, Lucas, by forcibly pulling his chair away from hers in the lunchroom (which looked JUST LIKE the <i>BMW</i> lunchroom and made me smile), and from the few scenes we saw of Cory and Topanga together, it appears that Topanga still disapproves of this here as much as she used to. </div>
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Speaking of Topanga, the lack of her in the pilot is really the only negative thing I have to say about it (that and that Danielle Fishel's hair extensions are out of control. Seriously. No one has hair that long at our age. You look stupid.) I assume this is because the plot line of the older Matthews brother was cut from the pilot and most of her scenes involved him. Hopefully, we will see much more of Topanga in future episodes. </div>
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I read on a compilation of Whisper posts that someone posted that they felt sorry for people who are still listening to Disney (guilty), rereading their same books from childhood (super guilty) and can't get out of the past. Well, with all due respect, sometimes, things that are as comfortable as your old pair of Chucks are just what you need. I am happy to say that <i>Girl Meets World</i> might be one of them. </div>
JulientKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11155222436883944609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4939799295116483917.post-50491273537219771942014-06-02T16:40:00.002-07:002014-06-14T12:04:13.537-07:00Make Mine Music (Stop!) - Bachelorette Week 3! <span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Greetings Rose Enthusiasts! I have returned from my excursion on the East Coast visiting the prodigal John and just in time for the two-night Bachelorette extravaganza! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Rather than take the time to recap all of last week (which I subjected my family to while on vacation - sorry not sorry, guys), I'll just highlight a couple of thoughts. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1) What in the actual heck is Bachelor Gives Back actually giving back to? For all of the talk that the stripping was for charity, I would love to actually know that they raised money (what looked like a good $20) for an actual charity and not something like, I dunno, STD screenings for the contestants or penis pumps for the elderly. Or really, was it not enough just to have them stripping? Did they have to attach a moral to it? I like my reality shows completely devoid of life-checking moments, thank you very much. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2) As much as it pains me not to have recapped Craig's drunken soujourn into the pool, I think my grandpa summed it up nicely when he said, "Craig has shown his true colors. If [Andi] gives him a rose, she's an a--hole." Hear, hear, Grandpa. And she didn't pick him, so I guess, for now, Andi gets a pass (at least in the 80+ Italian men demographic). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The first date this week goes to Nick V, who will be traveling to Santa Barbara to meet up with Andi. The two take a bike ride, and Andi says that this is to take some time from the "extravagant dates" and do something more normal. Because, you know, being followed by cameras, producers, and having all of your extravagant meals paid for is super normal. At the end of the bike ride, the two take a nice hike and have a conversation about how Nick is skeptical about the process (good idea, Nick), but luckily Andi finds this endearing. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I thought Nick was pretty adorable during dinner, talking about how he wants to find someone to choose to love every day or whatever it was he was saying. Cute stuff, Nick. Obviously, he gets the rose. And commence making out on a clock tower. Fireworks not in the budget this week? No? Ok. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Back at the barn, the cattle has been herded for the arrival of the group date card. Brian, Marquel, Cody, Tasos, Brett, Ron, Bradley, Josh, Eric, Andrew, Patrick, and Marcus will be going out today to meet up with Andi for what appears to be some sort of Karaoke challenge.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Bradley hopes that his opera singing will benefit him during the group date, but obviously he's never seen this show before, because real-life skills bear no weight here, Bradley! When the guys go inside, they are greeted by Boyz II Men, who are singing everyone's favorite butt-groping anthem, "I'll Make Love to You," which the guys will be performing before unsuspecting fans. Unfortunately for poor, poor, Boyz II Men, nobody in our merry group can sing, including our heroine, who "sucks" according to Wanya Morris, and this fan agrees. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm not sure I can describe the Titanic-level wreckage that takes place when they go to perform, but I can tell you that my seventh (now eighth!) graders do better renditions of Disney songs than these guys sang one note of the song. It was so bad that they showed the song almost completely uncut presumably so we could mock it. Because I can't quite find a metaphor extreme enough to describe it, I'll say that I'd rather hear someone say the words "moist," "spore," "panties," and "piddle" on repeat than watch it again. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At the after-date party, we don't see too many of the one-on-one conversations, but two were interesting, one was the seemingly completely random "I heard you have a girlfriend . . . who's a stripper!" with Cody. Um, I assume this relates to something we weren't shown in a different episode, so producers, keep your narrative straight! The other was the conversation Andi had with Eric, last week's first date recipient, who told her that he expected her to treat him a little nicer than the other guys since they had "connected" on the first date, which I think is totally reasonable. Since she actually knows him, she should treat him more personally. But, what do I know, right? The group date rose, however, goes to Josh, who Andi wasted no time making out with. I can't say I blame her, Josh is hot. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The second one-on-one this week will go to . . . JJ! In my notes from the premiere, I </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">referred to JJ as "bow tie with a clown mouth." I still agree, and apparently the producers do too, because this date, while completely ludicrous, does do one thing: cover JJ's weird face with age spots! That's right, Andi and JJ will be "growing old together." How sweet (retttttttch). Ugh, and now that I am listening to him talk, his voice is weird too. No wonder he got slotted for this date. Why would you cover up some actual hottie? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After their transformations, Andi and JJ go off to the Santa Barbara boardwalk where they proceed to swallow some razor blades. Or at least, that's what their voices sounded like while they pretended to "talk old" while subsequently weirding out everyone around them. And it doesn't end! There's old people duck feeding, old people football, old people cartwheeling, old people piggybacking, old people scootering, weird old people kissing...yeesh. I sincerely hope that no one actually thinks that this is what "being old" means, because rather than being endearing, this version of old is really just making me shudder.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Back at the mansh, Ron (token black guy who is not Marquel) has gotten a serious phone call. After waving away the cameras in an attempt for privacy (haha, Ron!), we see him hang up the phone, curse, and bang his head against the wall. Next thing you know, Ron is packed and out of there because one of his friends back home has died. Aww. Good luck, Ron! </span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKNesFQAgH-Rags_mJCtInM1_OegQqDrpvHNmhbT5SfpC0BesEVQtyBtyHwTTK5Cuye5UZzOF_0hEUOwkG3ryJ-R5HgesqOfY2o3ygg26he6ZXfaiets4JvGhUtcm4j6lUBEjlxaRG2u6l/s1600/Screenshot+2014-06-02+16.10.02.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKNesFQAgH-Rags_mJCtInM1_OegQqDrpvHNmhbT5SfpC0BesEVQtyBtyHwTTK5Cuye5UZzOF_0hEUOwkG3ryJ-R5HgesqOfY2o3ygg26he6ZXfaiets4JvGhUtcm4j6lUBEjlxaRG2u6l/s1600/Screenshot+2014-06-02+16.10.02.png" height="200" width="162" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'm not a serial killer."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQCsju5b34CVDE1BVVKNCJ7gvHVr9L5btJVL-Hisqe8SRZCEbEleQz4MotML4xoicnou8pogE10zJ1lzGxsGm54E7rMu9TgeJ2rE6yen8Hwba4ni0SM3YR82FLy_xvR5kZWmGSNlgYVdUt/s1600/Screenshot+2014-06-02+16.11.01.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQCsju5b34CVDE1BVVKNCJ7gvHVr9L5btJVL-Hisqe8SRZCEbEleQz4MotML4xoicnou8pogE10zJ1lzGxsGm54E7rMu9TgeJ2rE6yen8Hwba4ni0SM3YR82FLy_xvR5kZWmGSNlgYVdUt/s1600/Screenshot+2014-06-02+16.11.01.png" height="200" width="183" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Gooood." says the face of<br />
someone who has had a little too<br />
much pinot grig.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Thank the heavens, the old people makeup is off for the dinner between Andi and JJ. Going into the dinner, JJ says that he is "surprisingly comfortable" around Andi, and admits to her that he is a "quirky" individual. Well, your face certainly is quirky, JJ. Andi says that his "uniqueness" drew her to him in the first place. Or at least, the producers knew they needed a strange dude to put on the prosthetic makeup date anyway. That's all I took away from the conversation because I was too distracted by JJ's crazy eyes and Andi's weird duck lips. Could they have been shot at a worse angle? Anyway, despite the fact that JJ is clearly in the friend zone and has no idea, he gets the rose. Good for you, buddy, crazy eyes and all. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At the cocktail party, Andi comes out and talks about how her heart just "aches" for Ron with about as much emotion as one would use to discuss the paint color in their dining room. Sure you feel bad, honey. Touch your fake eyelash again, then we'll really believe you. Moving on! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The first one-on-one we see is between Andi and Eric, where Eric thanks her for the first one-on-one date (again). Unfortunately, their conversation is interrupted by a delivery of flowers. Ooooh! Someone is surreptitiously barging in on Andi's time with the other guys and I LOVE it. The flowers are revealed to be from Nick, and Andi giggles like a schoolgirl when she reads the card, while telling the camera how "awful" she feels that it happened in front of Eric. Yeah, she feels awful, and Hillary and Bill are TOTALLY still together because they're in love. Anyway, Andi LOVES the flowers, and she wastes no time pulling Nick off to a corner and getting their mack on. How adorable. Skeptic Nick is totally into the process now! Anyone else think that he obviously hasn't seen the show before? </span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVhXidgD5iAFPOA4b9e1YItoWFC5VtU-jxNeGJvaqqPAym1eUg6BJh1I-V71mA_ADnCfrIxPUAFLSgFbqox5QjGPmadTMX6U22GkKPtdxTx89pG9OXAB6aavWIizyRRxUEilvwUEe3Hlb7/s1600/Screenshot+2014-06-02+16.35.57.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVhXidgD5iAFPOA4b9e1YItoWFC5VtU-jxNeGJvaqqPAym1eUg6BJh1I-V71mA_ADnCfrIxPUAFLSgFbqox5QjGPmadTMX6U22GkKPtdxTx89pG9OXAB6aavWIizyRRxUEilvwUEe3Hlb7/s1600/Screenshot+2014-06-02+16.35.57.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">JJ and Andrew. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">While all of this is going on, JJ and Josh have decided to confront Andrew about an incident last week while the guys were on the stripper date where he got a girl's phone number and then bragged about it to everyone in the car. GASP! Could it be that Andrew is not here for the Right Reasons</span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;"> ™</b><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">?? Andrew, however, refuses to "man the f--- up" and engage in conversation. He is "not discussing it." Drama avoided! Oh wait, maybe not. Andrew comes back down the stairs and shares the story, says he wasn't bragging, but the other guys are calling shenanigans! He bragged to everyone about it! I love the western duel music they played in the background. Very nice. The gloves are off, folks! Love it. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
When the roses are finally handed out, they go to Marcus (made out with him at the cocktail party), Brian, Marquel, Tasos, Cody (seriously?), Patrick, Chris, Eric, Dylan, and Andrew, which means we say goodbye to Rattail Brett and opera singer Bradley. It's been real, dudes. Go be weird out in the world!<br />
<br />
See you tonight for part II of this "extravaganza!" Can't wait!JulientKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11155222436883944609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4939799295116483917.post-75362354302454143302014-05-20T06:39:00.005-07:002014-06-14T12:05:32.944-07:00Looking for the right Juan One? <div class="MsoNormal">
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<div style="text-align: left;">
Welcome back, Rose Enthusiasts! It’s that time of year
again, where we get to indulge every inherent tendency towards schadenfreude!
That’s right, it’s time to obtain pleasure watching the misfortune of others on
the humiliation-laced juggernaut otherwise known as THE BACHELORETTE!</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="text-align: center;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="text-align: center;">This season, we are treated to a new heroine, Andi Dorfman,
who showed us the true meaning of girl power when she kicked Juan Pablo’s
self-absorbed behind to the curb after a fantasy suite date gone wrong during
last season. She is a former assistant district attorney, and all around BA. Or
at least that’s what her intro package would like us to think anyway. Since eliminating herself from the show, she has ditched her gross ombre highlights and is on the hunt for love. Or a bunch of free evening gowns. You know, whatever lasts longer. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Some
Highlights/Questions/Observations From the Premiere:</b><br />
<a name='more'></a><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> <o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1)<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Andi’s intro package was one of the tamest they
have had on the show in years. No tragic death of a fiancé, no kid, no dead
parents, no bitter rejection. Honestly, I’m surprised they picked her having so
little to work with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They did try
to make her job seem interesting by showing her “doing her own investigating”
out in the streets of Atlanta, as if lawyers are really out there on their own
in police jackets peering into the windows of whatever sketchball they are
investigating. Come on! </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2)<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Speaking of having little (brains) to work with,
what was even more interesting was that there was not ONE mention of
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, Juan Pablo ANYWHERE in the premiere. I mean, I know
we all hated him and that he’s a huge douche canoe, but I was surprised they
didn’t trot out his fratty mug at least one more time so that we could all
publicly abuse him. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-WI4BssS51XynIVpdyIvLQjfrwOOxSOT1oo5J56bUbywnoJemiPak91RvqFztV-dyDKN_ABSkeD2SNuWLYT_z06kDJLbSwtPmyu3mAGMSMlChZ5alklPnFBNq35WJMvijBTL2STyHSlzo/s1600/Screenshot+2014-05-20+05.21.58.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-WI4BssS51XynIVpdyIvLQjfrwOOxSOT1oo5J56bUbywnoJemiPak91RvqFztV-dyDKN_ABSkeD2SNuWLYT_z06kDJLbSwtPmyu3mAGMSMlChZ5alklPnFBNq35WJMvijBTL2STyHSlzo/s1600/Screenshot+2014-05-20+05.21.58.png" height="124" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Neeeeeeeigh!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">3)<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Was I the ONLY one who noticed that there were a
plethora of feminine-ish guys to choose from? Between three long-hairs (one of
which supposedly is called “Camps” by his friends…great name) and Patrick and
Andrew declaring that they are “compatible” and “the same caliber” as one
another (in a way that made my friend Lisa and me raise our eyebrows
quizzically), who knows if this isn’t a backdoor pilot for the gay Bachelor,
and we are all being duped by some handsome beards. By far the worst offering
though, was Jason, who looks like Hilary Duff when she had her horse teeth. Cut
your hair, Jason!</span></span></div>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">
</span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4)<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Because the premiere was a half hour shorter
than usual, we weren’t treated to the “get to know you” packages for the guys
like we usually are, and I missed them. What’s more, the limo entrances were
surprisingly free of gimmicks, which also made the entrances more boring than
usual (read: not as many opportunities for people to say dumb things), but I do
have to give the “Should have kept your mouth shut and you might have stuck
around” award to Emil, who told Andi that the easiest way to remember his name
was that it was pronounced like “anal, but with an M.” Emil! Never say “anal”
on a first date. Or any date. Or really, with women. You know, just avoid the
use of “anal” always. I'll be around all season with free common-sense advice if you need more. Also, Craig (henceforth referred to as McDoucherson) pushing the limo to show off his strength and fake tan gets an honorable mention for cringe-worthy intro. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5SR2b5D3ZEMYGqSyJ3tXfp9lAw6JCb3GTCVbpATzxoeUg1jJ4r50a1qzqMXvtya1YOEb05Rt3nL8c2SLCLUJ7x9x14EUnrfotz4ilPmPzeVsFz4axFwS7LVehnHGINXTgppmB_XyB7U97/s1600/Screenshot+2014-05-20+05.53.07.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: left;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5SR2b5D3ZEMYGqSyJ3tXfp9lAw6JCb3GTCVbpATzxoeUg1jJ4r50a1qzqMXvtya1YOEb05Rt3nL8c2SLCLUJ7x9x14EUnrfotz4ilPmPzeVsFz4axFwS7LVehnHGINXTgppmB_XyB7U97/s1600/Screenshot+2014-05-20+05.53.07.png" height="320" width="220" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">1992 and/or Wham! called.<br />
The rattail is out. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<!--[if !supportLists]--></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">5) </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">On the same front, I cannot believe Brett
(hairstylist, 29), who not only has one of the worst hairstyles I’ve ever seen
on a man (too long to be a ducktail and too short to be a rat tail) and STOLE A
LAMP from the hotel to give Andi by the fountain, got a rose. It was like
frickin Mary Poppins (only Julie Andrews’s wig did it better) getting out of
that limo! I mean, seriously? Did Andi have any input on who got put through,
or did the producers just make a list and she took it?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">6) I fully supported Marquel's cookie tasting for obvious reasons. You can't get better than a cookie and a <i>Seinfeld</i> reference. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">7) The only other real "drama" of the premiere was the sudden appearance of Chris Bukowski, who came in fourth on Emily's season, only to subsequently appear on Bachelor Pad and manage to make out with the entire house (and cause the elimination of my favorite, Michael Stagliano), who apparently stalked outside the house for a week hoping to show up when they were filming and get to talk to Andi. How desperate can you get, Chris?? I mean, you did make out with Blakely, so apparently, pretty desperate, but this is a low point even for you. Andi, however, isn't having any of that, and Chris is sent on his way, dejected. Maybe you'll find a homeless person to make out with? Or someone who doesn't own a tv? </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgseCjwgNAe9QZYLAHW971E6Wd4zKmRKcxaRSbZ1xnS_BoUxhj6gLJdc4PBaoYjwXmW6sZEU5oANhNVBDHf00TgY7Jbj38KCWKpzmxoWnf1J1CdJZLA3DxRg-Fn0g7LTXRvdD5xdTYXb2_S/s1600/Screenshot+2014-05-20+06.37.13.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgseCjwgNAe9QZYLAHW971E6Wd4zKmRKcxaRSbZ1xnS_BoUxhj6gLJdc4PBaoYjwXmW6sZEU5oANhNVBDHf00TgY7Jbj38KCWKpzmxoWnf1J1CdJZLA3DxRg-Fn0g7LTXRvdD5xdTYXb2_S/s1600/Screenshot+2014-05-20+06.37.13.png" height="183" width="200" /></a>At the rose ceremony, Nick V (recipient of the first impression rose), JJ (Bowtie with a clown mouth), Eric (RIP, buddy), Marquel, Craig (who maybe has a disorder...?), Tacos...I mean, Tasos, Josh M, Brian, Bradley the Opera Singer, Marcus, Andrew (looks like Pacey Witter!), Ron, Carl, Chris, Dylan (looks like a greasy lounge singer), Brett (Mary Poppins), Patrick, Cody (McDoucherson), and Nick S. are in. <span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Leaving tonight are (and I actually had to go back and get their names, because these were my notes) <strike>Anal</strike> Emil, Jason, Steven, Josh B, and Camps (whatever your real name is). Good luck, dudes.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Well, looks like we will have an excruciatingly enjoyable journey this summer! See you next week! </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><br /></span></div>
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JulientKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11155222436883944609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4939799295116483917.post-47851823612889062042014-03-11T21:24:00.002-07:002014-03-11T21:34:48.200-07:00Run, Nikki, Run! <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhb25b4j_Dx5BsBo7IXJje-CNV24wWBfkqJSCP6YJ6q_EDO0PDk_TIKRq8c5RQ3bAqkSNJqhiMShKzZaJEkQIgAeGuOjKj-485Vo0ZC5xRzen6PFmqmfByxOBl5yfR2uA_3uH4PfC2Dr_AF/s1600/Screen+shot+2014-03-11+at+8.27.41+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhb25b4j_Dx5BsBo7IXJje-CNV24wWBfkqJSCP6YJ6q_EDO0PDk_TIKRq8c5RQ3bAqkSNJqhiMShKzZaJEkQIgAeGuOjKj-485Vo0ZC5xRzen6PFmqmfByxOBl5yfR2uA_3uH4PfC2Dr_AF/s1600/Screen+shot+2014-03-11+at+8.27.41+PM.png" height="162" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well, ladies and gentlemen, I am not a fan of Clare's, but I think we can agree that she dodged a bullet, yeah?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Before we discuss the <strike>chafing on a hot day level uncomfortable</strike> epic conclusion of this "adventura," let's recap a few highlights of the extraordinarily bloated finale.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1) Juan Pablo's family struggling to speak English on camera. It could not have been more obvious that they do not usually do so, and it was a little painful. Also, how terrible do you feel if you are Juan Pablo's brother, who is clearly not as good looking as JPabs or his sister? Yikes.</span><br />
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzgoDnvtcIY1DortWt_HnEYAjWDb1GbytKtjlTFbnzYWxQz2rwmBBeaUA5JwNIkfBS2kzgJbFUrTeZsLfiqb86oujGmT8d5Lu8PvzCurL_oRbfs2oGTko6U2RkIgLiT4cwUvnlKZcdC5Tg/s1600/kimjungjuanpablo.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzgoDnvtcIY1DortWt_HnEYAjWDb1GbytKtjlTFbnzYWxQz2rwmBBeaUA5JwNIkfBS2kzgJbFUrTeZsLfiqb86oujGmT8d5Lu8PvzCurL_oRbfs2oGTko6U2RkIgLiT4cwUvnlKZcdC5Tg/s1600/kimjungjuanpablo.JPG" height="190" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Danger, Will Robinson! </td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2) Juan Pablo's mom was clearly not feeling it when Nikki and Clare were declaring their feelings for her son. First, she tells Clare that he's basically rude and to watch herself, and then she tells Nikki that JPabs is a glorified (and broke) bum, but she thinks that she's "strong enough" to put up with his shenanigans. Even his <i>mother</i> wants these girls to get the H out of there. How many more signs do these fools need?? Does Kim Jong Un need to step out with the red flag, or would the USC Colorguard do? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3) The whole deal with Juan Pablo's "insensitive" comments to Clare ... well, I think I'd rather perform a rectal exam on my cat than watch that conversation again. Apparently, during Clare and JPabs's final date, there was, for some reason, a moment during the landing where the cameras and mics were not on, and JPabs took that moment to, shall we say, talk dirty to Clare (think something that rhymes with, "I can't wait to pluck your flower again!") For some inexplicable reason, Clare chooses until after the date when they are hanging out in her hotel room to confront him about this, and Juan Pablo says things that are so completely absurd that I couldn't believe she didn't leave right then and there. As usual, he chats/kisses his way out of it, and even goes so far as to blame Clare for their physical connection, harkening back to her being the one to break the no kissing rule way back in Korea. I have to admit, watching Clare give up and slink her way back into his arms and talk to him about "getting married" and "their kids" and whatever was a little too awful even for me to watch. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">4) So. How awkward was that moment after JPabs read Nikki's letter that ended with her telling him that she loved him and watching him say absolutely nothing in return? Should have consulted your Olivia Pope gut, Nikki, because JPabs is clearly just not into you enough to say anything more than "thank you" to your declaration. But, on the upside, at least he didn't tell you that he loved plucking flowers with you. Nikki ends the date in tears. </span><br />
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At the end of the two dates, we were left in suspense about whether or not JPabs was even going to <i>choose</i> one of them - my family viewing party certainly hoped that was the case - but alas, there was a "decision" made at the end. Before we get to that though, we had to say goodbye to Clare.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf5wLgbC0Uwjpx7bhUN7ktYSnp7eiICg9Q3508_GGz5rmqZUdxsV1I01VoOeWtoas93iZnYpP5wAQ_G07vy2M7p8dWyr5NR3b4YKbL2l4WTEAGQeq3EckoQc02lrjaW8MiIf1i325_3iU-/s1600/Screen+shot+2014-03-11+at+8.29.21+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf5wLgbC0Uwjpx7bhUN7ktYSnp7eiICg9Q3508_GGz5rmqZUdxsV1I01VoOeWtoas93iZnYpP5wAQ_G07vy2M7p8dWyr5NR3b4YKbL2l4WTEAGQeq3EckoQc02lrjaW8MiIf1i325_3iU-/s1600/Screen+shot+2014-03-11+at+8.29.21+PM.png" height="320" width="277" /></a>When Clare approached the platform, she, for some unknown reason, launches into a speech about how much she "believes in them" as a couple, and "loves him" and blah blah. I'm not sure if she started that on her own, or the producers were feeling particularly sadistic and told her to talk first, but yeeeesh. It was painful. Then, JPabs finally opens his mouth and tells her that he "wishes the Earth would suck him up" (you, and every sane person in America, pal) because it is "time to say goodbye." Clare stares dumbfounded at him, rebuffs his goodbye hug, and immediately launches into a pretty good speech, wondering why he bothered to let her talk about marriage and kids and the future when he knew that he didn't know her, and ending with "I am SO glad my kids aren't going to have a father like you!" Juan Pablo looks around at the cameramen, seemingly unjarred, saying, "Whoo! I'm glad I didn't pick her!" Yeah, JPabs. I'm sure you <i>are</i> glad that you didn't end up with someone who would DARE call you out on your douchebaggery.<br />
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Speaking of someone unwilling to pick up the phone and call shenanigans, it's time for Nikki to get her "prize!" She too speaks first, spewing some truly unremarkable copy. When JPabs gets ready to tell her the news, he says everything EXCEPT that he loves her (even though she has said it to him), and says that even though he has a ring in his pocket, he isn't going to use it. He likes her ("a lot, A LOT"), but not enough to propose (which, in real life, this is totally reasonable - it just happens to come off douchey in this situation). In turn, Nikki looks about as thunderstruck as a small child who has just been told Santa isn't coming this year. Despite this, she accepts his final rose. Ugh. Nikki. Gross. And, right on cue, Juan Pablo says to her as the camera is panning away, "Don't get cranky now!" Oh no. No one would ever <i>dream</i> of getting cranky at such a romantic gesture and open sharing of feelings. </div>
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On that happy note, we got to After the Final Rose, where the audience was raring and raging, and so was Chris Harrison. Honestly, I have never seen Harrison be so openly frustrated and hostile with a lead EVER.<br />
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First, Clare is invited into the hot seat, where she marvels at how she managed to be sucked in to JPabs's BS. A part of me wants to feel bad for her, but honestly, Clare. You didn't HAVE to have sex with the guy. Getting BS'ed by him is one thing - this is reality television and maybe you have self-esteem issues - but as far as I know, there is no such thing as "accidental intercourse." So, I'm glad you saw the light, but really? You sort of had it coming.<br />
<br />
After Clare leaves the stage, JPabs is welcomed (?) to the couch to attempt to defend himself. Or, as it happens, be a maddening, bullheaded doofus who will not even dream of admitting that maybe he behaved badly. "It is what it is!" he declares, as Chris Harrison does all but pick his jaw up off the floor at how terrible this interview is going. I completely appreciated that, far from concealing his dislike for the guy, Harrison was basically completely stupefied along with the rest of us at just how great a jerk he is.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnXccw9_b8zAcKyQE2Rkwuo1Kiv8U9XXgmX_F2LLN3Wyg22y2ZgDu6ndEgAVJ_0rAr39ZFwgNt_8auxor1rGNpKteMVBcgWt2iN9zYx0Qb0Mw77mb99UrVlnz7aU-6BDwGByKOLGbtqArt/s1600/Screen+shot+2014-03-11+at+8.28.05+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnXccw9_b8zAcKyQE2Rkwuo1Kiv8U9XXgmX_F2LLN3Wyg22y2ZgDu6ndEgAVJ_0rAr39ZFwgNt_8auxor1rGNpKteMVBcgWt2iN9zYx0Qb0Mw77mb99UrVlnz7aU-6BDwGByKOLGbtqArt/s1600/Screen+shot+2014-03-11+at+8.28.05+PM.png" height="220" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"They're so in love!" said no one. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
When Nikki comes out, Harrison seems determined to rescue her from Juan Pablo's clutches, but Nikki isn't having it. She insists that it isn' t a problem for her that JPabs won't tell her he loves her and says that their relationship is "real to them." No one is convinced. Also, there was apparently a monetary offer on the table (according to Reality Steve) for JPabs to propose to Nikki during the show, but he insists that the "surprise" he promised the producers doesn't exist, and announces that they are "DONE! Done with the show!" Well, you both are seemingly pretty unappreciative, so maybe you deserve each other?<br />
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Finally, Harrison snaps us all back to reality with a "Not gonna lie - I'm glad to be moving on!" and announces that ANDI will be the next Bachelorette! Pretty solid choice, I think. Until May, when the blog resumes for another several weeks of debauchery, I'll be trying to figure out what show to recap next. Suggestions?<br />
<br />
Thanks to everyone who has read (sometimes in horror) along with me this season! See you May 19!<br />
<br />JulientKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11155222436883944609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4939799295116483917.post-43101816462844296492014-03-03T20:47:00.000-07:002014-03-03T21:40:49.020-07:00Las Mujeres Digan Todos!<div class="MsoNormal">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEja2rdZntJcqYcarcitoOg1eKqA_Kab9KkSw-nGNqNf0nH5RRqcbm7OO2pGX0ZT91JbXXibdffV7nAtWyYaV13Sygd9keMSM5TqvEN2iszb70m91Yz3un5eGx___lwlz_q-gARlx75H3wK1/s1600/Screen+shot+2014-02-06+at+7.06.20+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEja2rdZntJcqYcarcitoOg1eKqA_Kab9KkSw-nGNqNf0nH5RRqcbm7OO2pGX0ZT91JbXXibdffV7nAtWyYaV13Sygd9keMSM5TqvEN2iszb70m91Yz3un5eGx___lwlz_q-gARlx75H3wK1/s1600/Screen+shot+2014-02-06+at+7.06.20+PM.png" height="320" width="251" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "ヒラギノ角ゴ StdN W8";">Good news and bad news, Rose Enthusiasts! The good news? Only
one more week left of this suck-fest. The bad news? We still have to watch
another week of this suck-fest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thankfully,
tonight we will be catching up with the only people who have been sort of interesting
this season, the women! Incidentally, if I were these “ladies” I would be
pretty unhappy if I went through the entire casting process, got my hopes up,
and then ended up with the sleaziest, most illiterate Bachelor since Jake
Pavelka. But, I guess we’ll see how they really feel when the women tell all!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "ヒラギノ角ゴ StdN W8";">First, Sean and Catherine came out. Nice to see them! Nice
that they are doing well! Nice to move on from this segment!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "ヒラギノ角ゴ StdN W8";">Time for the action! Tonight, we will be catching up with
quite the cast of characters, including Boobs McGee, Kelly and pooch-friend
Molly, nameless women of color, Kylie “I thought he called my name,” Lauren
“Pug Face” H., and some of the other girls who stuck around longer like Kat,
Chelsie, Renee, Sharleen, and our new heroine, Andi. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "ヒラギノ角ゴ StdN W8";">The general consensus from the women during the first segment
is that although Juan Pablo is hot, a rockin’ body does not cover a multitude
of douchiness. “Most of the conversations were surface level,” said Danielle.
Renee defends Juan Pablo, telling Harrison that she had a “different
experience” with JPabs, because they were able to talk about their kids. Alli
isn’t having that though, and tells the audience that Renee complained about
only talking about their kids in the house. Kelly also calls out a few of the
women who are jumping on the “JPabs is a toolbag” train, saying that they
didn’t react that way when they were in the house. Andi brings the segment full
circle, saying that she just thinks JP was there to find a girlfriend, not a
wife (Duhhhhhhhhhhh). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "ヒラギノ角ゴ StdN W8";">General consensus: the girls really don’t like Juan Pablo. I
mean, except Renee, who clearly isn’t ready to jump on the train. She continues
to defend JP, saying that she doesn’t think it’s a problem that JPabs chose not
to kiss her for so long, and also saying that she wants her son, Ben, to “see
love” and that she would be ok with him watching her kiss a stranger on
television. Well, Renee, unless you want Ben to grow up to be Wilt
Chaimberlain, I don’t think you want him witnessing the type of “love” Mike
Fleiss is in the business of. Oceangate comes up, and it is revealed that Andi
and Kelly (Clare’s roommates) didn’t even know about Clare sneaking off into
the ocean! The girls are clearly not on board with JPab’s excuses regarding the
ocean situation, with Sharleen calling his later regrets “buyer’s remorse" and Kelly quipping, "he didn't say Cameeela when he was in the ocean!" LOL. The girls don’t bad mouth Clare though, and say they wish they would have
thought of sneaking off to be with him like that. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "ヒラギノ角ゴ StdN W8";">Time to interview Sharleen! I am definitely interested in
what she has to say, because it’s pretty obvious to everyone that she stuck
around only for the “action” she was getting. She doesn’t give any dirt we
didn’t already know, but basically, she doesn’t regret leaving, she still
thinks JPabs is a good kisser, and she doesn’t regret her necessity for a
“cerebral” connection. In short, she was as boring as she was on the show.
Next! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "ヒラギノ角ゴ StdN W8";">Renee is up next, and she also has nothing really bad to say
about Juan Pablo. Come on, people! JPabs is so gross! Say so! The closest thing
to trash-talking she does comes in her tone of voice in referring to the
incident when JPabs declared he wasn’t kissing other girls and then made out
with Clare 30 seconds later. Oh, and she may have a boyfriend? Or maybe she’s
the Bachelorette? Either way, she’s in a “good situation.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "ヒラギノ角ゴ StdN W8";">It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for! Andi has been
invited into the hot seat to tell us how she really feels. She says, “I think
Juan Pablo thinks he was a really great Bachelor,” and follows it up with a
smirk. She also says that the things that Juan Pablo said about her made her
feel “cheap.” Along with the rest of us, Andi does NOT think that Juan Pablo
understood what she was talking about, and even though she didn’t say that is
as dense as a claw hammer, she may have implied it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "ヒラギノ角ゴ StdN W8";">Whew! One more commercial break, and then, Juan Pablo gets
his opportunity to “defend” his “choices.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "ヒラギノ角ゴ StdN W8";">Juan Pablo enters, and he is unnecessarily optimistic about
his chances. Maybe he hasn’t been listening to the “We hate Juan Pablo” chorus
that has been taking place for the last 63 minutes, but he is confident that he
can emerge from this experience with some friends after they are all “regular
people” again. Yeah. Sure. Good luck. Harrison asks him whether or not he
regrets any of his choices or things that he said, and in what is maybe a
surprise to deaf/mutes, but not the rest of the world, he is not, declaring
that he would rather be “unappreciated for his honesty” than not be honest at
all. Excellent. I’ll make sure to use that one next time I am unnecessarily
offensive. Juan Pablo then tries to decide whether or not he was there to kiss
27 women or merely help them take their nun vows, but I think we conclude that
he was there to maybe kiss them all if he liked them? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "ヒラギノ角ゴ StdN W8";">Andi carries most of the conversation in the next segment,
again telling everyone how just when you think Juan Pablo is the shallowest man
in the world, he lets a little bit more out of the pool. Predictably, Juan
Pablo says, “eeees ok. Fine” to the criticism. The last thing that gets brought
up is the whole “gay is pervert” thing from the beginning of the season, and
Victoria tells him to “stop using the ESL card as cop out.” You go, Victoria!
When Harrison asks him to defend himself, he doesn’t say much that sounds
great, but Sharleen, surprisingly, defends him. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "ヒラギノ角ゴ StdN W8";">Well, ladies and gentlemen, that’s the women tell all for
this year! See you next week for the finale that “we have never seen before!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
JulientKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11155222436883944609noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4939799295116483917.post-80015215137537370382014-02-26T16:38:00.002-07:002014-02-27T12:17:33.497-07:00In which Andi realizes she's too good for this shiz. Juan Pablo is okay.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well, Rose Enthusiasts, I have no idea how we managed to get through FOUR hours of garbage this week, but, persevere we did! </span><br />
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I started writing a full recap last night, but I had taken two Vicodin prescribed to me by the very nice people at Urgent Care to combat yet another diverticulitis attack, and, frankly, what I wrote makes not one iota of sense. So, to avoid making everyone read through a bunch of incoherent babble, we'll proceed through these shenanigans much quicker than usual. </span><br />
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Monday night was hometowns, and basically, things were pretty uneventful with the exception of two happenings. The first was that Andi's dad, Hy, was totally not having it when Juan Pabs asked him if he would be ok with his proposing to Andi at the end. Because Hy is actually a good parent, he replies, "If your daughter brought someone home who was seeing two other girls, would you give your permission?" Ooooh. BURN. Well said, Hy. Andi's family was also concerned - and rightfully so - about how long it took her to get a one-on-Juan (remember her troll friends, ready to welcome her??), knowing, as does anyone who has regularly watched this program that people who are left to the very end aren't necessarily on the radar. </span><br />
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The second interesting conversation took place during Clare's hometown, and Clare's sister Laura was expressing her skepticism about the made-for-tv-showmance. She definitely made her lack of approval known, but Clare managed to find an ally in her mother, who admitted that she and Clare's father only knew each other for 3 weeks before getting engaged (OK - that's nice, but that's not necessarily a great life choice either). </span><br />
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Other than that, the hometowns were pretty boring. I was surprised that Nikki's parents were so nice when she's so . . . not. And Renee's little boy was super adorable! But, even though Ben is so cute Renee wanted to "eat his face" or something like that when she saw him, Renee was the "lady" we said goodbye to at the end of the night. A moment of silence for the last semblance of normalcy, shall we? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">All of this brings us to last night, overnight dates! </span><br />
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A question before we really get into the real "drama:" </span><br />
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1) Did they use the same room for ALL of the overnight dates? I tried to find screen grabs of this, but couldn't find one. If they did, gross. If they didn't, then every single hotel room in St. Lucia looks exactly the same. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">First up for dates is Clare! She describes JPabs as "dreamy," the "man of her dreams," and other oneiric words. She and the producers attempt to drum up some drama, hailing back to the ocean incident in Vietnam, where Clare tells the camera over and over again that she cannot decide whether or not to "forgo her individual room" and stay overnight with JPabs in the Fantasy Suite. Come on, Clare! I think that your willingness to be mounted in a body of water kind of overrides your sudden modesty. We all know you're staying overnight with him. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Before we can get to the <strike>nookie</strike> getting to know each other better and cuddling, we have to sit through the actual date. Immediately after boarding Team Bachelor's yacht, the two start making out, and we get a gratuitous up the butt shot of Clare (thanks, cameraman). This carries on for awhile, and then the two discuss the hometown date. Or rather, Clare speaks and JPabs nods along like a puppy. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">After the yacht ride, the two return for dinner, and JPabs says that this is the perfect time for him to "figure out how he feels about Clare". Oooooook, buddy. You either like her or you don't. Juan P says that the fantasy suite is an opportunity for them to get to know each other "a lot better...a LOT better" but that he doesn't want to make a mistake.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When the key comes for the fantasy suite, Clare makes a big show attempting to be "respectful" about Cameeela, and JPabs has apparently forgotten his previous convictions about this and starts using all sorts of fallacies to get her to come in the room with him. So obviously, Clare ends up saying yes, as we all knew she would. "I love <strike>can't wait to remove</strike> your dress," says JPabs on their way up to the room.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Andi is up next. The two stop at a seafood place and play the steel drums, drink some beer, eat some tacos, chat up some children, you know, regular date stuff. Naturally, all of them play soccer together on the beach (did no one teach these kids about stranger danger? Especially strangers with TV cameras?). It is, after all, important that they be able to just "enjoy Sunday festivals" together. Whatever that means.</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">The two take a bit of a dunebuggy ride to yet ANOTHER waterfall, where they sit and discuss her less-than-successful hometown date. Or rather, her father's lack of approval of this process. Naturally, they get under the waterfall, because duh, and we hear some soundbytes from their confessionals to lead us into the next segment. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Eventually, Andi agrees to spend the night in the fantasy suite with Juan Pablo, and the next morning, we see a clip of JPabs talking about how GREAT their time together was. "We talked for hours...HOURS!" he gushes. "Andi could be the one!" Andi, on the other hand, has made a "shocking" discovery about Juan Pablo. No, he didn't kill one of his parents, he didn't steal a puppy from a baby he's . . . self-centered! </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjO9GwGpKB6vDnClPqPvUuPNOYMWfCY159oMJU4TW7bNmtu-5xGG6sbaF44MIavNxw0po7T_IWvvnAUfXe3k1wWt8I2o5-axcEwYC6JwFFsDE6_LiTa9skKHQtjHh6QnQ6uLdaFrPnv8_md/s1600/surprised.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjO9GwGpKB6vDnClPqPvUuPNOYMWfCY159oMJU4TW7bNmtu-5xGG6sbaF44MIavNxw0po7T_IWvvnAUfXe3k1wWt8I2o5-axcEwYC6JwFFsDE6_LiTa9skKHQtjHh6QnQ6uLdaFrPnv8_md/s1600/surprised.gif" height="136" width="200" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6iA8fF8o_mq91y7BFOOP-ZIIWMlOwH3uv_wJYpdcNiSCcuidJQvYcHgdbbupnn3Ejr9wXdgebL5y2gKzrNzW0lE8szzQrmgsH9cTOaEhjsy3RLWwh0kB92sPTklspeYTXIcUXdxAJA1hc/s1600/tumblr_inline_mlg9gl4ZMB1qz4rgp.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6iA8fF8o_mq91y7BFOOP-ZIIWMlOwH3uv_wJYpdcNiSCcuidJQvYcHgdbbupnn3Ejr9wXdgebL5y2gKzrNzW0lE8szzQrmgsH9cTOaEhjsy3RLWwh0kB92sPTklspeYTXIcUXdxAJA1hc/s1600/tumblr_inline_mlg9gl4ZMB1qz4rgp.gif" height="99" width="200" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">HOLD EVERYTHING! You mean, someone who willingly decided to publicly date 27 hos on a televised search for companionship is a bit of a narcissist? That cannot be! As much as I am glad that Andi finally saw the light (and totally told his behind off later in the episode), you just want to be like, um...duh. Well, Sweet Cheeks, I wonder what life choice you could have made to avoid being in a situation where the guy you are dating will be 99% likely to turn out to be a total tool? Oh wait . . . Anyway, apparently, it went down that whenever Andi tried to talk to JPabs about anything important, he attempted to quiet her by either talking about himself or by turning to his go-to move, "besitos." Andi just cannot live like this anymore and cannot wait to GTFO of dodge. Push pause, for a second, sweetie, because there's no way they'll let you go without a heinously public breakup. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Before Andi confronts JPabs on his ridiculousness, though, JPabs and Nikki go on a date. There is nothing really at stake here, except that Nikki can't decide whether or not to admit her "love" for Juan P at dinner, which, after much hemming and hawing, she does. They make out. Go in the fantasy suite. Lights are off. End scene. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Chris Harrison finally shows up (anyone else notice Chris's complete absence from the show this season? Apparently, we aren't the only ones who dislike Juan Pablo). Juan Pablo discusses the fact that this decision is going to be so difficult, blah, blah, and then it's time for the video messages. Andi's ends with a cliffhanger, which says she has some things she wants to discuss with him immediately, and in person. </span></span><br />
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</span><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgNh107GbpRIHsOhtfjHGvm_AWrO_iceOMZpa8MizCrLqqMFjSUZQtccDxEpf-ZNv47KCBSh0xzUmfzwg78yGYZNb7fHEkzQG6KoCtmkm9GBMy34l54nHJa-uAVdYyLwQZQOJl9lKLGnWU/s1600/Screen+shot+2014-02-26+at+3.07.27+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgNh107GbpRIHsOhtfjHGvm_AWrO_iceOMZpa8MizCrLqqMFjSUZQtccDxEpf-ZNv47KCBSh0xzUmfzwg78yGYZNb7fHEkzQG6KoCtmkm9GBMy34l54nHJa-uAVdYyLwQZQOJl9lKLGnWU/s1600/Screen+shot+2014-02-26+at+3.07.27+PM.png" height="125" width="200" /></span></a><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Enter Andi! It's showtime, folks! When she sits down with Juan Pablo, she doesn't mince words. She says that she "got to feel things she's never felt before," was "giddy and excited," but that when she woke up after being in the fantasy suite that she "wasn't in love with him" and "wasn't going to be." Juan Pablo, of course, trots out his usual, "It's fine, it's ok," routine (which I mentioned in last week's blog as getting real old), and his cavalier attitude completely pushes Andi over the edge. "It shouldn't just be ok! It's not ok!" she says, and her voice starts to get correspondingly more shrill. She left behind "family, friends, a job, missed weddings, etc." to be here and to have him be so casual about letting her go is just not going to cut it at this point. She pushes the point a little bit harder, saying that his saying that "it's okay" all the time comes across as his not having feelings (and I agree . . . usually, if someone gets dumped this late in the game, the dump-ee is a little more upset. See also: Desiree and Brooks). Juan Pablo pulls the ESL card, blaming his use of "okay" all the time on English being his second language. Umm. Right. He then digs himself deeper into the hole by saying, "Am I going to die right now? No!" and tells her to take comfort in the fact that he has liked her since week two. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Andi says that that means nothing to her, since he doesn't even know anything about her, and every time she tries to discuss something serious with him, all he says is "it's okay, it's okay," and that she is going to "die if she has to hear "it's okay" one more time!" </span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ1-BBMlnOJhxZcLXp9F95f7ML8U3pTXc5d4ltywOuJxbBL0H_y_gxvcX2Z2aD4vpk8eqQpZjfYrS_pbSV17elJe14xZYHg8eikfgnlY2FmYFoyR0o625-7J0fXbtjDpB4j7YAn6YELjo0/s1600/photo.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ1-BBMlnOJhxZcLXp9F95f7ML8U3pTXc5d4ltywOuJxbBL0H_y_gxvcX2Z2aD4vpk8eqQpZjfYrS_pbSV17elJe14xZYHg8eikfgnlY2FmYFoyR0o625-7J0fXbtjDpB4j7YAn6YELjo0/s1600/photo.JPG" height="187" width="200" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Andi cannot believe how obtuse</span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Then, Andi brings out the big guns, and asks Juan Pablo if he thought it was offensive that he brought up his overnight with Clare while they were in the fantasy suite. Juan Pablo's response? "You knew there were three overnights!" and "I am being honest!" and "I didn't know that would offend you I guess." Andi fires back with, "How else was I supposed to take that??" and confronts him about saying that she was there by "default" and says that that's not fine. Juan Pablo's excuse? He's being honest! (I'm pretty sure no one needs that much honesty, buddy.) Then, he tries to say that he didn't use the word default after all (enter Squealer, who comes to paint over the 7 Bachelor Commandments), but that he "doesn't have that word" in Spanish (except that "por defecto" works great here, and sounds almost the same, but whatever), and then tries to make it better by saying that he meant to say that she "barely" made it here. Wonderful. Good show. Andi ends her argument with "there's a difference between being honest and being an a__hole and being honest!" "If that's how you see it, okay!" says JPabs. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white;">Eventually, Juan Pablo decides that "arguing with a prosecutor" is pointless (because the fact that she's a prosecutor is the problem, not that you are a huge bucket of douche) and Andi gets in the reject(er) jeep, saying, "He just doesn't get it. He's probably saying "it's okay" right now.." Of course he doesn't get it, honey. Otherwise he wouldn't be The Bachelor. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white;">When the now-pointless Rose Ceremony happens, Juan Pablo asks Nikki and Clare to let him know whether or not they want to be here, but even if they don't, they still have to go through with next week contractually. So, by default (he he he) Nikki and Clare accept the roses and we move on toward the finale! </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white;">Next week: The women tell all! SO EXCITED. See you then! </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span>JulientKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11155222436883944609noreply@blogger.com0