The Bachelor Recap: "Miss Proper" Lives for a Day

Welcome back, Rose Enthusiasts! After a short break last week, I am back to update you on the increasingly dramatic shenanigans on The Bachelor! And honestly, I know we are supposed to hate Corinne, but dang it if she isn't the most entertaining thing to come out of this franchise since Ashley Onion. She can't be lasting more than another week, but it has been a great ride, no? 

In case you forgot. 

We pick up at last week's pool party directly after our Queen (HAIL!) Vanessa tells Nick that she is "judging his actions" after he allowed Corinne to straddle him in the bouncy castle and that if she is expecting him to "shake her t***" at him, then she's going to give back the rose. Nick, on the other hand, begs her to be patient while he sows the rest of his wild oats, especially in regards to Corinne. Whether this is because he knows how valuable she is to the show or if he's just not through, um, exploring her, we aren't sure. 

While all this is going on, the "ladies" are sitting in a circle, discussing how best to approach this turn of events. "I *clap* just *clap* want *clap* to *clap* know *clap* what *clap* is *clap* going*clap* on!" exclaims Jasmine, and the other women heartily join in. Taylor and Sarah, however, decide to confront Corinne mid-nap, which is about as productive as one would expect. Corinne says "You do you. Imma do me." She has a bunch of haters here, y'all. Even though the "ladies" are optimistic that their concerns being voiced to Nick are enough to get Corinne a one-way ticket on the Alone Train to Alonesville, guess who gets a rose??

The rest of the roll call includes
Raven
Taylor
Whitney  (who?)
Kristina (seriously, who is this?)
Jasmine
Alexis
Astrid
Danielle
Jaimi
Josephine
Sarah

See you in July, Christen! 

So, we bid a fond (?) farewell until Paradise to Christen, who doesn't even deign to say goodbye to Nick on her way out, instead gives him this epic side-eye. Brittany too, is sent packing. Bye "ladies", we hardly knew ye! 

"Come and get it Nick!" says Corinne at the post-Rose Ceremony toast, and grabs her boobs knowingly.

The next day, Harrison arrives at the house and announces that they will be traveling to Milwaukee, which I'm convinced none of the "ladies" know is in the United States, because I cannot figure out why they would be so excited to go there. But, excited they are, and we see them arrive in the lush paradise that is Nick's hometown, Waukesha, WI!

"I suppose having 10/11
children not on reality TV is a win, right?"

Once we arrive, we get to see the most beleaguered parents in America, Chris and Mary Viall! Nick attempts to reassure his parents that he isn't messing around that that he's ready to find the one. Nick's mom cries, wondering where she went wrong with her second-born, and Nick's dad takes a firm hand with his son, and says, "We never want to see you on this show again." Neither do we, Nick. Neither do we.

Danielle L, winner of last week's awkward middle school dance to the Backstreet Boys, will be receiving the first one-on-one this week, and they will be walking around Nick's hometown, hanging out. If I were Danielle, I'd feel cheated. No fireworks? No yacht? No helicopter? Lame! The two of them are enjoying time at a bakery, decorating cookies, and making out while licking frosting off of each other's fingers. And, so weird, after they leave, one of Nick's exes just HAPPENS to be sitting, all mic'd and ready to go in a very clear front window of a random coffee shop. So, of course, we have to stop and talk to her, so she can help with Nick's image rehab! Thanks for your help, Amber, enjoy your coffee and decent life choices.

Nick and Danielle then take a stroll to a local park, where they discuss their pasts and may or may not make out in the very spot where Nick lost his virginity! How romantic. Later, they meet up at a bar, and WHAT IN THE ACTUAL HECK is she wearing? Is that toilet paper attached to her skirt? After Nick goes through some hard-hitting questions, ("When's the last time you shopped in sweat pants?"), Danielle shares about her parents' divorce, and based on his questions, Nick appears mystified that the divorce has affected her dating perspective. But, emotional baggage aside, she's got a nice set of boobs, so of course, Danielle is getting the rose! And cue private concert with more public stage dancing.

Back at the hotel, the group date card is here! In attendance for this date will be: 

Rachel
Alexis
Vanessa
Jasmine
Sarah
Whitney
Jaimi
Kristina
Astrid
Taylor
Josephine
Danielle L
and...
Corinne! 

"Say cheese!" says the card, which, anyone familiar with Wisconsin knows means this is a dairy farm date, which you know has been specifically organized to see Corinne do something besides nap, and I am ALL ABOUT IT. "It smells like cows and nature," says Astrid when they arrive. Corinne is is beside herself. She just wants to be in a spa being fed a nice taco, y'all. 

"Clearly I do this all the time."

So we get to the farm, and Nick is feeding a baby cow (image rehab #2 for this episode), and announces that today we will be doing some farm chores! Ok, let's get real a second. They didn't even make the women go to a farm and do chores on Farmer Chris's season (or did they? I can't remember) and he ACTUALLY LIVES ON A FARM. Is it not enough that we are pretending that Nick has a job outside social media and doesn't live in LA? We have to pretend that he's feeding farm animals in his real life? Get real, Team Bachelor. 

Anyway, most of the women gamely participate in the manual labor, but Corinne declares that she wouldn't even make her nanny Raquel do farm chores (#freeraquel). She's better than that. How could this date get any less romantic? Well, you wondered too soon, Corinne! You're shoveling poop next! "Thank God I didn't wear designer today. I need sushi." she says. Cue a bunch of actual s*** vs. bulls*** metaphors from the women, and Corinne sitting out due to "poor circulation" in her hands. Another fun fact discovered during this part of the date is that Nick is not great at milking a cow, which leads Jaimi (who turns out to be a talented, um, milker?) to be disappointed in how he "handles those teats," and I subsequently threw up in my mouth a little. 

Cocktail hour on the date starts with Kristina, who offers to tell more of her story, which Nick declines in favor of some quality tongue-time. Nicely done, man. In the meantime, Corinne has gotten the idea that the other women don't like her, and it might be because she overheard all of them saying that they don't like her. But don't worry everyone, Corinne is strong, and she can take this "abuse." She's not immature. In fact, because we're in the Midwest, she even uses a corn metaphor to describe how mature she is. It's topical and effective! 

"Do you find this immature? I'm a corn husk. Underneath I am juicy, buttery, corn." 

Yeeeeeeeah. So. Corinne decides it's time to face this problem head on, and invites any of the "ladies" who have problems with her to confront her to her face. This leads Sarah to ask her if she is "ready to marry a 36-year-old man" and Taylor to wonder how she slept through that rose ceremony that one time. But don't worry, everyone. Abraham Lincoln took naps, and Michael Jordan took naps, so Corinne is in excellent company there. Or so she says. Anyway, they are fighting for a fiance, not a pickle (so many comments here), so Corinne has decided that it's time to leave this "disrespectful" conversation and go talk to Nick. The conversation ends well, albiet, without kissing, but Corinne is satisfied nonetheless. 

But, because Nick wants to live to see tomorrow, Kristina ends up with the date rose! 

Meanwhile, Raven's date card has arrived. "Let's kick it." And even though Raven thinks that means they're playing baseball (Oh, honey...) Raven and Nick will be watching Nick's little sister Bella's soccer game! Aww! This means that Raven gets some quality time with Chris and Mary, who seem tolerant of having to participate in this date. After cheering Bella from the sidelines, the date picks up at a local roller rink, where Nick and Raven will be skating with Bella and her soccer team! How sweet! After a circle round to "Kiss Me," we see Nick and Raven seated at a nice table of wine, and we get to hear some graphic details of Raven's ex's infidelity, and it is revealed that she beat her ex with a stiletto when she walked in on him with another woman. Nick is either impressed at her strength or terrified that it might happen to him, so Raven gets the rose.

It's cocktail party time, we begin on a tense note, with Taylor, already over the dang edge re: Corinne, getting angry at Danielle L, by "stealing" Nick first. She has a rose, so how dare she, I guess? Anywho, Taylor is off to make sure she gets her time. We see her ultimately successful in sending Danielle back to the wine (and whine) circle, but we see none of her conversation with Nick because, Corinne is enjoying some chicken nuggets with Josephine (gotta soak up that wine!) and is discussing how fake Taylor is, and we cannot miss that. Corinne decides that now is the best time to "rip Taylor a new one!"  

The two confront each other by a fire, and Taylor starts using some really big words and Corinne just cannot take it. "She is a nasty, fake, b****" she concludes at the end of their argument, which goes something like "You're fake" "You're stupid." "No you're stupid" "You're an emotional infant" etc. Corinne cannot believe she is being treated as such. Her father She runs an multi-million dollar company after all. 

And, look what time it is? 

TO BE CONTINUED!

Until next week everyone! Let me know if you find the magical taco spa before then. I want to go to there. 

The Bachelor Recap: Hold me Tight

Welcome back, Rose Enthusiasts! It's three hours after the last Rose Ceremony, and it is time for the first real week of competition! Chris Harrison is in the house, and after the prerequisite "I am so glad that I got to meet Nick. He is sooooo special. I'm so lonely, let's get on with this" comments from the "ladies," we are ready for our first group date! 

The card reads "Always a Bridesmaid..." and the chosen few for today's group humiliation are:

Corrine
Vanessa
Sarah
Alexis
Hailey
Lacey
Brittany
Jasmine
Raven
Danielle L
Elizabeth W
Taylor

Last week's kissing machine Corrine is really excited that her name was first on the date card ("It's better than number two! Or going number two!" she declares) and reveals that she has "never been a bridesmaid," which surprises no one. The other girls also seem to be unfamiliar with the saying, but hope that since Nick has never been a groom, and they have never been a bride, they can all experience this for the first time together! 

At this point, we finally see Nick, who has been conspicuously absent from the first ten minutes of the episode, despite that he is apparently the "lead." I guess when you're trying to give someone a good edit, the less they say the better! Nick says last night was incredible, and he is so glad that everyone is willing to give him a chance despite his dating past, which translates to, "still don't know what I'm doing here, but the plethora of available, emotionally damaged women at my disposal for no discernible reason is not to be taken for granted."

When the "ladies" arrive for the date, Dolphin Devotee Alexis reintroduces herself to Nick, who checks out her body, as it wasn't on display last night, and approves. 

A photographer, Franco LaCosta (whoever that is), has arrived, and begins to hand out various wedding dresses and other wedding attire to the "ladies," because we are taking themed wedding photos for today's activity! "Nothing is more appropriate for a first date," says Nick. I would have paid more attention to what the dresses were specifically, except this guy was wearing an ensemble that would make Freddy Mercury jealous. 

Anyway, after the producer faves have been handed wedding dresses for various themes (elopement, biker, shotgun, 1980s, etc.) and the soon-to-be-eliminated warm bodies are handed coordinating bridesmaid dresses, it is revealed that whoever has the most arbitrarily judged chemistry with Nick during the photo shoot is going to win a surprise that everyone already knows is more time with Nick, so high stakes I guess. Everyone seems to be thrilled with their assignments except poor Brittany, who was assigned "Adam and Eve" wedding, and will be wearing this: 

If you're wondering why you can't see a top, it's because there isn't one. Adam and Eve had no use for nip covers in the garden, and neither do those masters of taste, Team Bachelor. This does not set well with Corrine,  who had previously been content with her bikini top and sarong beach ensemble, and becomes DISTRESSED at the idea that someone else may have fewer clothes on than she does. 

As the shoot goes on and the other girls applaud Brittany for being a good sport in what is obviously a cruel mind game, Corrine escalates the Crazy/Hot scale, and decides to take matters into her own hands! Or in this case, Nick's. During her photo shoot, Corrine decides that Nick needs to feel the more "Corrine side of Corrine" which means BOOBIES! And so, as we all do when we are feeling insecure about the man we just met, Corrine wastes no time removing her top, and practically commanding Nick to "Janet Jackson" her "bare bosoms." With all the talk about consent in the media, maybe they needed to give Corrine information that it works both ways. But, whatever, she's pretty pleased with herself. 

And win she does, because Franco is kind of a perv. We don't see any more of their extra special one-on-one time, but I'm sure it was full of meaningful conversation. By the time the evening cocktail party begins, Corrine is wasted. She is very confident though, because Nick held her boobs today. Like held her boobs! Naturally, this leaves the other girls in an awkward position. Does Nick like girls that are aggressive or not? "Is the way to snag him to pop out your t**s at any moment?" wonders Guns-and-Jesus Raven. "Is everything I've heard about him true?" No comment. 

We find out during Raven's alone time with Nick that she once had a boyfriend cheat on her, and that she seems to be only "attracted to a**holes. No offense." Nick walks away from this encounter feeling positive, and thinks Raven has an "attractive personality." Whatever, I guess. 

Next up for one-on-one time is Dolphin Shark Alexis, and she no sooner gets the words "Seacaucus, New Jersey" out of her mouth and Corrine is back for what is sure to be more special fun time with Nick! This unsurprisingly does not go over well with the other women, who begin shooting some major side-eye and hate her way. Corrine is unfazed at their displeasure though, "Get used to it!" she exclaims, when the others suggest that her behavior might be discourteous. 

Taylor be like..

It's Taylor's turn to sit down with Nick, and we find out, ironically, that she has a Master's Degree in Mental Health Counseling. Is this all a ruse for a study she is doing? Shouldn't she, of all people, understand why she should NOT be here? Anyway, it doesn't take long to begin her case study, because guess who is back for thirds? CORRINE! Because Nick has the spine of an amoeba, he again acquiesces to her request for more time, and Taylor returns to the "ladies," but only for a minute, because girl has had enough, and decides to turn the interrupting tables and interrupt Corrine! Meanwhile, I am on the edge of my seat. 

Corrine is OFFENDED by this development, and proceeds to dazzle us with this eloquent explanation for what happened. 

No worries though, y'all. Not even Taylor can ruin this evening for Corrine, because Nick has conferred with Nick Jr. and guess who is getting the date rose? 

I hope the producer who found Corrine gets a bonus. 

Anyway, while all of these shenanigans are going on, back at the homestead, Liz is being crushed under the weight of the "BIG SECRET," which, in case you don't remember, is that she has already seen (and more!) the goods on Nick nine months ago at Jade and Tanner's wedding, but did not give him her number afterwards when he asked for it. And because this is the Bachelor and not anywhere that sane behavior is encouraged, Liz runs through her options for who she can confide in. She finally chooses Chipette lookalike Christen, and begins to tell her story, and can I just say, I LOVED the way Christen nodded along, making her actually say, "we had intermittent sex and talk" out loud to the camera. With skills like that, Christen could have a job on Team Bachelor in no time! But the confessional seems to do nothing to ease Liz's discomfort, and she says that she "just doesn't know if she can do it anymore" if Nick does not approach her to discuss the awkwardness of their situation. Christen promises not to breathe a word of what Liz has told her to anyone, which I think we can all agree will last about six and a half seconds. 

Liz after the date card arrives.

Due to the pressing need to chat with Nick, Liz is living on a prayer that the first one-on-one will go to her, but alas, it's Danielle M (appropriately dressed nurse) who is bestowed this honor. And Liz is not okay with this you guys. 


Nick is really excited about this first one-on-one with Danielle, and so they are starting things off with a bang! It's helicopter time! Danielle and Nick land in Newport Beach. Later, Nick opens up about his previous experiences on the show, and uses a bunch of buzz words about vulnerability and how you just have to keep trying and blah blah, and Danielle LOVES it. She is moved to share her past, which was that five years ago, her fiance died from a drug overdose. Dang! Sort of makes your "I keep going back for more public humiliation on national television" sob story look a little pathetic, right Nick? But Nick loves it! He encourages her to keep sharing and hold on to her feelings for future relationships. And Danielle gets the rose! Aww. I really like her. She is way too good to be on this show! Go home and meet a nice normal, Danielle!

In the meantime, the date card for the next group date has arrived at the house, and it is addressed to

Christen
Josephine
Astrid
Jaimi
Kristina
Liz

"We need to talk," declares the card. "Wow. We actually do need to talk! says Liz.

"That is NOT the arts."

This date is even more bizarre than the first, and takes place at the Museum of Broken Relationships, which is evidently a real place. One would think with how awkward both of these group dates are that Nick is a glutton for punishment -- he knows he gets a say in these group dates, right? As the girls walk through the wreckage of other people's romantic failures, they come upon a couple breaking up loudly and violently. Or so they think! This is just an elaborately staged demonstration of what the "ladies" will be doing today, which is pretending to break up with Nick! Cause that's not weird or anything. Meryl Streep would not approve of this exercise. It is not the arts. 

One by one, the "ladies" approach Nick and give "reasons" for ending their relationship. He drinks too much, he called them fat, etc. Josephine even slaps Nick right in the face. Wow. But it's Liz who "steals" the show, and decides that this is the moment to confront Nick about their sordid history. Her prose comes as a shock to Nick, who upgrades into panic mode, wondering how many people she has told about their hookup, and proceeds to investigate during the one-on-one time at the cocktail party. Just when he thinks he's in the clear, Christen comes clean about what she knows, and tells Nick that Liz has told her that they have had all the sex. Nick finally decides that it's time to confront Liz, and their conversation goes something like this

Nick: So, you're telling people we had sex. 

Liz: I mean, I didn't really know you.

Nick: Why are you here? If you wanted to get in touch with me, we have mutual friends.

Liz: Well, you went to paradise. 

Nick: I was only in Paradise for like a month. 

Liz: Well, I hate talking on the phone. Having cameras present is a much better way to get to know someone.

NIck: I don't think you're here for the right reasons.

Liz: ???

Nick: I think you need to go. Bye, Felicia. 

Seriously, that's it. We don't even get an exit interview from her. And with that, we can leave the Liz Saga behind us, and that's it for now, because we are at the two hour mark, and are hit with a "TO BE CONTINUED! right before Nick is about to tell the women that he and Liz slept together. Which, by the way, I'm sure will end up leading nowhere, because no one actually believes anyone is going to willingly go home over this reveal. 

So until next week, Rose Enthusiasts, I wish you brimming mimosas and adequate celebrations for your bosoms!   

.

An Unprecedented Return

"Just a Jigga Man, Pimp C"

Welcome, welcome, welcome, everyone to another season of our favorite primetime train wreck, The Bachelor! It has been a year since I have delved into the minutiae of each episode with you via this blog, but finally having a Bachelor with a questionable personality has brought me out of retirement! I am hoping for Juan Pablo-level shenanigans from Nick (as are the producers, I suspect), so let's toast to a journey full of tears and questionable life choices!

Whoa. Thirty seconds in and we are already treated(?) to some gratuitous nudity! I mean, we know from previous seasons that Nick is no prude, but good gracious. Save it until at least after the first commercial break! During his intro package, Nick has some trouble admitting to himself that he's contractually obligated to ABC for another several months, but accepts that he is "grateful to be in this position" (and many others later too, amiright?!). Enough with the false humility, Nick! We all know you're the Bachelor because you're a hot mess and that is what the people want! 

Time for a Bachelor round table! We get visits from former Bachelors Sean, Chris, and Ben, who hand out advice for Nick, and Nick continues his redemption tour. The guys encourage Nick to "be himself," because apparently that person is way better than whoever we have been seeing for the last several years. I know I didn't see Nick's transformative run on Bachelor in Paradise (and neither did most of America, points out Sean), but how great could that edit possibly have been? 

Chris Harrison is glad to have purpose again, and he is here to introduce us to this year's crop of "interesting," "accomplished" women, who are here to win Nick's heart! For simplicity's sake, here they are in alphabetical order (not necessarily the order in which we are introduced to them). 

The 30 "ladies" are:

Alexis, 23, aspiring dolphin trainer, Secaucus, NJ. Alexis evidently owns a sumo wrestling outfit and is super into dolphins. She arrives in a dolphin outfit, but is actually a shark outfit, and she "dolphinately" can't wait to talk to Nick inside. 

Angela, 26, model, Greenville, SC. Regulation hottie. Says nothing. ZZZ. 

Astrid, 26, plastic surgery office manager, Tampa, FL. Astrid speaks a bunch of German and propositions Nick for sex and for seeing her breasts. So yeah. 

Briana, 28, surgical unit nurse, Salt Lake City, UT. She listens to his heart with a stethoscope. Old hat, Briana. Next! 

Christen's doppleganger.

Brittany, 26, travel nurse, Santa Monica, CA. She offers to perform a rectal exam. That's...a choice. Of course, one can never be too careful on this show, so maybe that's a smarter move than we think. 

Christen, 25, wedding videographer, Tulsa, OK. She does some sort of fan dance on her way out of the limo and looks like one of the Chipettes. 

Corinne, 24, business owner, Miami, FL. Corrine's intro package has the same opening shot of Elle Woods's video essay for Harvard. She has a codependent relationship with her family, and she still has a nanny? She gives Nick a "hug token" to cash in later. 

Cleavage Adequacy: 11/10

Danielle L., 27, small business owner, Los Angeles, CA. Danielle owns a chain of nail salons. She is excited that Nick is going to be the Bachelor for the exact reason that any sane person should be wary of him, and that is that he has been on the show so many times, it shows he is "serious" about finding love. I guess being willing to overexpose themselves shamelessly is only a cute quirk? Or apparently something both of them can participate in given the amount of cleavage she exposes when she gets out of the limo! 

Danielle M., 31, neonatal nurse, Nashville, TN. Danielle is wearing appropriate nursewear! She gets a good edit in her intro video, so she may be an actual contender. 

Dominique, 25, restaurant server, Los Angeles, CA. She's just really excited. Like really excited to be here. 

Elizabeth ("Liz"), 29, doula, Las Vegas, NV.  Liz was Jade's (of Jade and Tanner) Maid of Honor, and may or may not have hooked up with Nick at the reception. She's got a bunch of tats, and can't live without her Bible (according to ABC.com), so clearly, she's a solid investment. Nick does not appear to remember her. She isn't fussed about it though. She's really excited to refresh his memory. 

Elizabeth, 24, marketing manager, Dallas, TX. Elizabeth is the most nervous she has ever been, but she is so happy that Nick is the Bachelor. Boring. Blah. Next. 

Hailey, 23, photographer, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. She enters with a joke. "Do you know what a girl wearing underwear says?" "Neither do I?" Nick is impressed with her open sexuality. But geez, hope there aren't any cold benches in Casa Bachelor. 

Ida Marie, 23, sales manager, Harlingen, TX. Definitely a bit of a "plain-facer," but seems enthusiastic enough. 

Jaimi, 28, chef, New Orleans, LA. She's watched Nick's journey, and thinks he has balls, but so does she! A nose ring with balls that is! 

Jasmine B., 25, flight attendant, Tacoma, WA. We got nothing on her. 

Jasmine G., 29, pro basketball dancer, San Francisco, CA. She brings Neil Lane with her, and shows Nick her favorite ring. The producers must like her at least to let her prop up Neil Lane. 

Josephine, 24, registered nurse, Santa Cruz, CA. Internet says she's a registered nurse, but when we see her intro package, she is actually a nursing student, and she wastes no time putting on everyone's favorite slutty nurse wear. Have some self-respect, Josephine! Oh, never mind, she's psycho. She exits the limo with a hollow book containing a raw hot dog, and announces to Nick that he's "a weiner in her book" and then offers him the option of "Lady and the Tramping" it, which Nick does, albiet reluctantly. But I suppose anyone who is willing to bite a raw weiner has potential, right, Nick? 

Kristina, 24, dental hygienist, Lexington, KY. We literally see nothing about her, and she has a real job, so she's clearly not going anywhere. 

Lacey, 25, digital marketing manager, Manhattan, NY. Lacey arrives on a camel and says that they both enjoy a good "hump!" Classy. 

Lauren, 30, law school graduate, Naples, FL. She has the worst intro of all, announcing that her last name is Hussey, and since Nick's last name is "Viall" (pronounced "vile") that together they make a disgusting slut. I mean, I know I wasn't exactly the greatest dater, but I think even I knew better than to call me and anyone a disgusting slut when I just met them. But take bonding where you can, I suppose. 

Michelle, 24, food truck owner, Los Angeles, CA. She wants to take the "lemons" of Nick's past and make lemonade. Boring. 

Olivia, 25, apparel sales representative, Anchorage, AK. Olivia is from Alaska, and wants to give Nick an eskimo kiss. She also shows up in a real fur... Does she get to do that because she's from Alaska? 

Rachel, 31, attorney, Dallas, TX. Rachel is a civil litigator, and wants us to know that she is more than just a lawyer! She is an accomplished vacuum dancer, and she is FUN, guys! She seems much too accomplished and well-adjusted to be on this show. Get out now, Rachel! 

Raven, 25, fashion boutique owner, Hoxie, AR. Raven continues southern stereotypes by announcing that she enjoys shooting guns and reading the Bible. She teaches Nick how to do some Arkansas State hog call. 

Sarah, 26, grade school teacher, Newport Beach, CA. She runs up because Nick is the perpetual "runner up!" Solid joke. 

Susannah, 26, account manager, San Diego, CA. Gives Nick a beard massage. 

Taylor, 23, mental health counselor, Seattle, WA. Taylor is half white, half black, so we know why she got an intro video. She tells Nick that all of her friends think he's a complete "piece of s***", but assures Nick she doesn't think that. So that's nice. 

Vanessa, 29, special education teacher, Montreal, Quebec, Canada. Vanessa is a teacher, and for heaven's sake, does her school have no dress code?! What is she wearing? That outfit would be good for at least two passive aggressive emails and a line item at a staff meeting addressing professional attire if anyone I worked with wore it! 

Whitney, 25, Pilates instructor, Chanhassen, MN. I completely missed her. Kort says she was skinny and looks like Shiri Appleby. I trust him. 

Nick comes into the cocktail party and says that he's really ready to find someone, and he wants someone empowered with a strong personality! He and women are basically equals, you guys. We see a few one-on-ones, and then Chris Harrison, the harbinger of doom, brings forth the first impression rose! Taylor announces that her "heart is in her a**" seeing it. I would pay to see that, Taylor. 

Definitely not here to make friends! 

Corrine wins the aggression award for the evening and is not only the first one to steal Nick from another girl, but also kisses him, which she comes in and announces to everyone like a tipsy Paul Revere. This gets other girls on their toes and calling her a "ho." She doesn't care though! She's here for "Nick-nick-nick-na-nick-nick-nick NICKELODEON!" 

The dolphin girl also gets a lot of attention, with Corrine correctly pointing out that this could be a pretty impressive strategy if she has a questionable body underneath. True that, Corrine. Nick is also concerned that she doesn't know what animal she is, which shows that he may not be as stupid as I thought.

Definitely gills, folks. 

DUN DUN DUN! It's time for the first impression rose, and it goes to . . . . RACHEL! Wow! Good for you Nick, giving the first impression rose to someone who actually has a job and a life! She seems genuinely excited about it, which is really sweet, but clearly going to end badly for her. 

The best part about there being a million women here is that we don't see that much of the cocktail party, and we are already right to the Rose Ceremony! 

Getting roses tonight are: 

Vanessa (Tight Pants Teacher)

Danielle L. (Cleavage McGee)

Christen (Dog Chipmunk)

Astrid (German girl)

Corrine (Aggressive kisser)

Elizabeth (nondescript blonde)

Jasmine G (Neil Lane girl)

Raven (Guns and Jesus!)

Kristina (Weird accent, cried a lot)

Danielle M (current fave!)

Sarah (running enthusiast)

Josephine (producer choice)

Lacey (Hump DAY!)

Taylor (friends hate Nick)

Alexis (Dolphin chick makes it through!) 

Hailey (no undies)

Whitney (skinny and stuff)

Dominique (So excited!)

Jaimi (has balls)

Brittany (rectal exam)

Liz (drunken hookup)

Which means on the Alone Train to Alonesville are: 

Olivia

Angela

Lauren

Briana

Ida Marie

Susannah

Jasmine B.

Michelle


Some additional thoughts:

1) I wonder if the producers were so bored with these women that they made everyone wear a red dress to manufacture a storyline? That does NOT say good things about the rest of the season.

2) How many times are we going to be treated to listening to everyone say how they are going to judge Nick based on his current behavior instead of his previous douchebaggery? Why not embrace that Nick is a train wreck and everyone is going down with him? I guess that's not very romantic, but it's a heck of a lot more entertaining!

3) Are we abandoning all sense of propriety when it comes to sex? I mean, I guess Nick has definitely boned more girls on this show than anyone else, but, wow! I'm not sure I've ever seen the women more aggressive in offering their bodies to the Bachelor. I hope everyone got their screenings before they came, because this could turn into quite the petri dish of nasty.

4) Did ANYONE not have the same hairstyle? Was there a one-inch barrel curling iron left safe in the Southern California area after this was filmed? Am I just missing how I'm supposed to be doing my hair (a very real possibility I suppose)? 

Well, everyone, this pretty much covers this week's shenanigans! We'll see if I can keep up with the blogging during the rest of the season! Kisses!