It's Juan-uary!

It's time for another new season of El Bachelor! This season, we will be jumping in to an "adventura" with Juan Pablo Galavis, who, even though he only appeared on roughly 16 minutes of Desiree's season of the Bachelorette, has apparently taken America by storm. Or so Chris Harrison says anyway.

We open the season premiere with a bit of J Pab's life in Miami, where he plays shirtless volleyball with hotties, cavorts with athletes, works on his fitness on beaches, takes solo walks in parks, waves to his minions, you know, regular stuff. We also get to see his daughter Cameeeela, who hopefully is young enough not to be permanently damaged by living with her dad in the Bachelor house.

Former Bachelor Sean also makes an appearance early in the episode, just happening to walk over a hill and right into the yard where JPabs and Camila are having some producer structured quality time. Sean's advice? Don't kiss the girls in front of the other girls. Thanks, Sean. We are then blessed (?) by some gratuitous footage of Juan Pablo showering before making his way to the mansion for the intros.

Chris Harrison is waiting for us at the mansh, and tells us again how much we all love Juan Pablo. So much, in fact, that they added TWO extra girls to the mix, bringing the quota of the emotionally damaged to 27!

SOME SUPERLATIVES TO DESCRIBE THIS YEAR'S BATCH OF "LADIES"

Creepiest Creepster: Amy J, Massage Therapist. Not only was her intro tape one of the most disturbing I have ever seen on this program, she attempts to give Juan Pablo a massage in the driveway of the mansion, including oils, which she spread all over his tux. Way to go, weirdo.

Oldest Looking Young Person: Lauren, "Pug-Face" H, who meets this season's emotional damage quota all by herself. Not only does she look like she is 40 (she's 25), but she proceeds to weep all the way through the cocktail party about how "over" her last relationship she is while simultaneously dragging all of the other "ladies" into her emotional mess.

Most likely to make everyone in the house contract fungus: Self-proclaimed "free spirit" Lucy, who showed up in a dress made of a sheet and a pair of the sickest bare feet I've seen since the last time I wore any of the shoes I owned and wore without socks while attending NAU. And all God's hookworms said, "Amen."

Not Here to Make Friends Award: "Pretty girl" Valerie, who tells her pet goats that "ugly people need love too."

Way too good to be on this suck-fest: Lacy, who owns a nursing home. They showed her helping all of her patients and special-needs relatives, and it was truly a little inspiring, until I remembered what program I was watching. Then I just felt sad for her.

Don't let the producers manipulate you award: Clare, whose late father made a DVD for her future husband. Please Clare, please. Don't show this to JPabs. Please. For me. Clare also gets "strangest limo gag" by showing up pretending to be pregnant, demonstrating to Juan Pablo her eagerness to have children. Fatal attraction called...

Awkwardest Limo Convo: Cassandra, who says "Oooook. Nice to meet you" and then awkwardly stumbles into the house. If I were much thinner, this was pretty much exactly how my foray into being on the Bachelor would surely go. I feel for ya, Cassandra.

Best "Accidental" Cleavage Grope: Pediatric nurse Nikki, who brings a stethoscope so JPabs can "feel how her heart was beating." Conveniently, this also involved his having to put his hand smack in the middle of her deeeep V. Well played, Nikki. Well played.

Crazy Eyes Award: "Dog Lover" Kelly, who got out of the limo looking like a crack-enhanced Kathie Lee Gifford. She also brought her dog Molly with her, which was probably good, since Kelly appeared to get lost on her way into the door.

Best Almost-Rejection of the First Impression Rose: Sharleen, who, when Juan Pablo bestows the night's highest honor on her, takes a full sixty seconds to respond before saying, "Sure. Yeah. Sure," in a tone that made Ben Stein sound enthusiastic. Burrrrrn. Thankfully, Juan Pablo doesn't seem to pick up on this. "I know she's going to sleep well tonight," he declares. Oh, honey. It's a good thing you're pretty.

And finally, the best thing that ever happened in the history of ever during the rose ceremony since Jesse called the wrong name on night one many seasons ago: Kylie, who when Juan Pablo calls Kat's name, proceeds to march forward to get her rose. Because it's too good to miss, here's Yahoo's coverage of the glory.

Ouch. Sorry Kylie.

That's it for this week, Rose Lovers! I think this season is going to be a delicious wreck, don't you?

I see no necessity to eat off a tray.

Forget that I have to be at work in less than 8 hours (so long, winter break!), let's recap the (obscenely long) season premiere of the show that makes you want to get lucky with middle-aged valets (I'm looking at you, Mr. Bates) and learn how to do finger-waves, Downton Abbey!

Questions I needed answers to at the end of last season:

1) What was the show going to do without Matthew, and the Matthew/Mary relationship?

A: Turn Mary into Morticia Addams, apparently. When we pick up in the first episode, six months after Matthew was bitten by the Hollywood bug killed in a car accident, Mary is practically comatose, and wearing a fine variety of death shrouds. She is sending Anna off to wait on her mother because "she isn't going to be taking long trips" and calling her child a "poor orphan" while she stares at the floor. Lord Grantham is only too pleased to let this carry on, because, as George's guardian (and heir to the estate), Mary has some stake in the running of Downton. As we saw last season, Lord Grantham, while perfectly happy to accept the unconventional sexual behavior of his under butler, cannot fathom a new way of doing anything at Downton. Now that Matthew is dead, he would like to be left alone to let the estate go bankrupt under his poor management, thank you. Basically, Robert sucks. We all know Robert sucks. Thankfully, the family, led by the Dowager, also thinks Robert's attitude sucks. Branson enlists Carson to talk some sense into Lady Mary, and get her to join "the land of the living." Mary, on the other hand, won't be persuaded until the Dowager lays it down for her (and even drops the "L" word!) and tells her to take charge of her life. So, we end the first hour with Mary almost back in the saddle. Emotionally bruised, yes, but at least ready to be distracted from grief. Frankly, I'm glad that Lady Mary isn't recovering quickly from Matthew's death. I mean, I'm not sure I'm emotionally recovered from it. But, judging from the previews for next week, she's going to have to recover fast, because there's a new hottie in town, Lord Anthony Gillingham! I smell a one-sided love-affair!

2) Why do Lady Edith, Molesly, and Daisy continually get dumped on?

A: Schadenfreude? These three just can't catch a break!

a. Daisy is still in love with Alfred, who is still in love with Ivy, who is still in love with Jimmy, who is still in love with Jimmy. It's Valentine's Day in the first episode, and Daisy receives a card not from Alfred but from Mrs. Patmore, who didn't want her to feel bad about being the kitchen reject. Poor girl! First she had Thomas pretending to like her, William, who died, and now this? And judging from the looks of things, Alfred is not going to be changing his mind anytime soon. Give Daisy a boyfriend!

b. Continual sad-sack Molesly, who besides looking like Charlie Brown, has been left without a job due to Matthew's untimely passing and evicted from the house by Carson, who says they can't afford to keep him around. The Dowager feels sorry for him and tries to "audition" him for butler for a friend, but he is sabotaged by the Dowager's butler (Stames? Stubbs? Whatever his name is) and is forced to move back home with his father, who, incidentally, seems to have way better social skills than his son, and dig ditches. Thankfully, Mr. Bates and Anna decide to take compassion on him and lend him some money, but geeeeez. Molesly's luck makes the sinking of the Titanic seem like a great party topped off with a sea-salt scrub.

c. We also have Jane Eyre Edith, who after the Anthony Strallan disaster last season, immediately took up with newspaper man Michael Gregson, who would marry her, except for his insane wife from whom he cannot procure a divorce. Now, any smart person would run in the other direction, but since Edith is apparently a glutton for punishment, and the most pathetic virgin on television, she is jumping on in. Gregson suggests becoming a German citizen so he can get divorced, and she's totally on board. A German citizen? GERMAN. CITIZEN. Who sees this ending well? Why can't she ever get with someone normal? It's not enough to be the ugliest of your siblings and to be left at the altar, and have your father not want you to write editorials and being generally unpleasant? You have to have your boyfriend be willing to join up with the most hated nation in Europe? UGH. EDITH. Why you so stupid?

3) Are Mrs. Hughes and Mr. Carson EVER going to get together?

A: Probably not, but I'm still holding out hope. Those two are so secretly into each other!

There's much more to say, but, if you're still reading, I'd like to keep it that way, so it's time for everyone's favorite segment: "S@#% the Dowager Countess Says!"

"It is at times like these when I am tempted to ring for nanny, and have you put to bed with no supper!" - on Robert's perceived ousting of Mary from the runnings of Downton

"Who are we to warrant any courtesy?" - on the audacity of Lady Edith not to change before joining the ladies in the sitting room

"Just because you're a widow, I see no necessity to eat off a tray!" - on Isobel's lonely life

And the ZINGER of the night: "I see I'm beaten, but I do sympathize with King Canute!" - on whether or not to call Branson "Branson" or "Tom"

Procrastination

Things I did while I should have been grading book reports (collected December 5, finished January 4 c. 3 PM) 1) Brushed Dexter

2) Did dishes.

3) Vacuumed.

4) Crocheted a hat.

5) Watched the feature commentary on The Sound of Music (again)

6) Watched 48 Hours

7) Crocheted another hat.

8) Made a video about how I ran over my jacket with the car to get the tag off.

9) Cleaned the garage.

10) Watched the feature commentary on Mary Poppins (again)

11) Threw away old food

12) Cleaned Dexter's water dish with vinegar.

13) Wrote a blog.

14) Watched on incredibly reputable sites the entire fourth series of Downton Abbey

15) Watched the feature commentary on When Harry Met Sally . . . (again)

16) Started crocheting another hat, but ran out of gray yarn.

17) Watched the feature commentary on Sleepless in Seattle (again)

18) Had an insanely long text conversation with Krista Hansen

19) Wrote another blog

20) Read Paper Towns by John Green

21) Hung up all of my clothes

22) Read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

23) Put a bunch of crap in my Amazon shopping cart, but haven't bought anything

24) Watched the feature commentary on Julie & Julia

25) Wondered if I'll ever get my writing voice as great as Nora Ephron, after watching three feature commentaries with her (answer: unlikely)

26) Watched the last five episodes of Parenthood. Made new resolution to be Lauren Graham.

27) Wrote this list

January, what?

(I would like to thank inevitable Emmy winner Morgan Blair Thompson for the inspiration for this post)

A comprehensive list of what movies I watch for each American holiday

1) New Years Eve - When Harry Met Sally . . . (because Auld Lang Syne)

2) Martin Luther King Day - Remember the Titans (because racism)

3) Valentine's Day - Sleepless in Seattle (because An Affair to Remember)

4) Presidents' Day - I couldn't come up with anything good.

5) Easter - The Sound of Music

6) Earth Day - Wall-E (because Earth is dead)

7) First Day of Summer Vacation - Now and Then (takes place at the beginning of summer)

8) Fourth of July - Men in Black (Independence Day is too cliche, but Will Smith protecting America is not)

9) Last Day of Summer Vacation - Stand by Me (takes place on the last weekend of Summer)

8) Columbus Day - A completely useless movie, just like this holiday.

9) Halloween - Psycho (because serial killers)

10) Thanksgiving - All episodes of Friends that involve Thanksgiving. Not a movie, but the only example of pop culture that cares about Thanksgiving.

11) Christmas - There isn't a single right movie here. Except Elf. Elf sucks (yeah yeah, I am the only one who thinks so, whatever)

Overcoming Deceit

“The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can understand it?”

Last night, during a re-read of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, I was particularly taken by the scene in which Edmund first encounters the White Witch. The Witch happens upon Edmund when he first arrives in Narnia, and questions him, wanting to know if he is human, and whether he may be part of a prophecy fortelling her removal from the throne of Narnia. Once she discovers that this is probably the case, she begins to seduce Edmund with his favorite, Turkish Delight. When he finishes, Edmund wants more, but cannot figure out why. Lewis explains it in this way.

“The Queen knew quite well what he was thinking; for she knew, though Edmund did not, that this was enchanted Turkish Delight and that anyone who had once tasted it would want more and more of it, and it would even, if they were allowed, go on eating it until they killed themselves.”

Sin is the same way. It’s delicious. It feels right. Others often validate it. It seeps in the dark places when you least expect it. It lies to you, until you are someone you barely recognize. Edmund trades his family and ultimately, almost trades his life grasping for the “feeling” he got eating the Turkish Delight.

I chase after sin in my own ways, usually by believing lies and emotions over what I know God says about me and about Him, but knowing that my heart is wicked is a comfort. I can choose to tell myself the truth. God’s way is better. It isn’t easy. It isn’t intuitive. It’s often less “fun.” But I know that I am being protected from the destructiveness of wanting more and more and more of what my heart wants to try and heal itself. Different translations of the Bible say that the heart is “beyond cure.” I am never going to cure my sin with what my heart wants – more sin! Jesus is the only cure.

For me, that is a very settling proposition.

Dear Pandora,

As a faithful consumer of your online radio service (and a huge fan of the wide variety of Hanson, Goo Goo Dolls and Matchbox Twenty songs that can be played in such fabulous succession), it is such a shame that I have had my ears assaulted by your choice of advertisements.

This afternoon, as I sat at my desk, grading essays on the various manifestations of racism in To Kill a Mockingbird, and listening to the gritty fabulousness that is Rob Thomas’s voice, I was startled by a sultry woman’s voice coming from my computer speakers. Had I accidently broken my school’s no porn filter and come across some sort of sex site? Was the voice there to deliver a message? No. It was your ad for “AdamandEve.com’s Big O gel.” As much as I am in favor of the pursuit of sexual satisfaction within marriage, I am not married, and thus, do not need, nor want to be pursued by photos of scantily clad women enticing me to purchase some sort of foul stimulating gel. Not to mention, that in my role as an elementary school teacher, it would be extremely inappropriate for anyone to come upon me in my classroom listening to or viewing such filth.

I understand targeted advertising and its use of “cookies”, and, were I visiting filthy sites on my work computer, the appearance of this woman’s “cookies” would be more understandable. However, as that is not the case, I would like a detailed explanation for how I was chosen. Am I listening to songs about “bitches and hos?” No. Is my Pandora station the all-Ludacris channel? Negative. Enlighten me, please.

Please remove me from your list of “dirty people.”

Kisses, Julie Cunningham

Oh my blessed, it's Sean Lowe.

I love The Bachelor. Like really, really love it. As you all know, I have . . . lovingly teased (?) the show for a long time. Season 24 (brought to you by the Bowflex), premiered last night, and let me just say, it looks promising, even if there is no way that the girls pushed Tierra down the stairs like the producers would like us to believe.

Without recapping the whole show, here are some highlights of the premiere:

1) Sean and Arie's bromance. Clearly, if they filled five minutes of airtime with this little segment, the girls must not be that crazy, which is too bad, but these two totally made the best of their producer-penned script. "Will YOU accept THIS rose?" Sean practices to an approving Arie. I may not get a rose, but I would accept a reality show focusing on these two (Listen up, E!)

2) There were four black girls among the pickings. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the lawsuit concerning the lack of diversity on the program that Team Bachelor dealt with over the summer. *Exaggerated wink*

3) 50 Shades Girl. Serious kudos to whoever found this wacko. In her pre-cocktail party segment, we see her reading 50 Shades of Grey under her covers (on the nose, a little, producers?) and declaring that she is going to welcome Sean into her room of pain or something. Well, at the cocktail party, our budding boudior queen gets 50 shades of wasted, and not only starts shaking her butt while Sean is talking up another girl, but also makes him uncomfortable enough to mention that he brought his rape whistle for just such an occasion. Good call, buddy. I only hope he brought some hand sanitizer and maybe some Valtrex after that little display. Not shockingly, she gets eliminated, which is, "a bit of a bumski," but I'm sure she'll live to see another night of debauchery on Bachelor Pad 4.

4) The Rose Ninjas. Sean broke away from tradition a bit, and handed out the roses throughout the night rather than in a huge processional at the rose ceremony, which, of course, everyone hated. But I loved the way the roses kept getting magically refilled, elves and the shoemaker style, the minute the camera cut away. Side note: I wonder how many roses they keep on hand to make them all look so bloody fresh?

Quotables:

"I can't use 'It's not you, it's me,' because it's obviously going to be them." - Sean

"Tierra walked in with a rose, and it was literally, like, an animal attack on the eyeballs." - Catherine

"I've got balls!" - wedding dress girl "Well, I hope not." - Sean

"Honestly, I wish I was more sober right now" - wedding dress girl

"That Ken doll missed out on 100 percent of this Barbie a**!" - 50 Shades Girl

And off we go on another journey! Who is in?