Downton Abbey Recap: Series 4, Episode 4

We begin this week the morning after last week’s opera party/rape opportunity. All of the servants are sitting down to a glum morning meal, which is just fine by Carson, who “always finds something rather foreign about high spirits at breakfast.” Anna is, and rightfully so, rather fidgety, and Mr. Bates is using his well-developed prison senses to figure out why. When the band of merry-makers and their servants depart, the abominable Mr. Green announces to Carson that he will “remember this visit” for a long time. Mrs. Hughes looks on and seemingly puts two-and-two together, giving Mr. Green a look that says, “Don’t make Mr. Bates teach me how to shiv you!”  (Which, incidentally, I’d pay to see)

The upstairs lot says their goodbyes too, which include Lady Edith seeing off her Keebler Elf Mr. Gregson, the Duchess telling Branson not to feel too sorry about being sad that Sybil is dead (even though he’s clearly the only one), and Lady Mary and Lord Gillingham flirting it up a bit before he sets off.

Isobel runs into Dr. Clarkson, who asks her if she’ll help him with some mumble-mumble hospital thing. Isobel agrees. Ok. Just ask her to dinner already, Dr. Clarkson! It’s obvious to anyone that you want her for more than her nursing skills! Otherwise, what are either of you still doing on the show?

Lady Mary announces plans to go up to London to meet with some tax people. The conversation proceeds as follows:

Lady Mary: I’m going to London to meet with the tax man.

Lord Grantham: I hate that idea.

Lady Mary: Precisely why we should do it. Mama, will you take care of the children?

Cora: If you mean shuck them off with the nanny as usual, then absolutely!

Lady Rose: You’re going to London? Excellent! I’ve not caused enough trouble there! Can I come?

Lady Mary: I guess.

Cora: Are you going to see Tony Gillingham while you’re in London?

Lady Mary: Way to go with the subtleties.

Vile Edna Braithwaite then corners Branson as he’s coming down the stairs:

Edna: So, you didn’t come see me after I plied you with alcohol and took advantage of your vulnerability last night. Why?

Branson: I’m sorry that I let you sleep with me, but seriously! Go away.  

Edna: Fat chance. You’d better marry me if you happened to impregnate me. 

Branson: I am in such major trouble here.

 Down in the kitchen, Ivy has been trusted with making a hollandaise. Oooooh. Nothing good can come of this. Jimmy decides to sample it, and says it’s awful. He confides in Ivy that he would like to spend his life being a lethario, while dancing Ivy around the kitchen. Alfred, Daisy, and Mrs. Patmore return and walk in on this. Alfred tells Jimmy to stop being such a whore, and Mrs. Patmore and Alfred compliment Ivy on her hollandaise. Daisy declares, “It’s not like it’s hard!” Mrs. Patmore is unhappy with Daisy’s attitude, reminding her that Ivy is a beginner. Daisy shoots Ivy a look of pure hatred and deadpans, “but Ivy moves so fast for a beginner.” Hope you’ve got some ice to go with that burn, Ivy! But seriously, you probably should keep your hands off Jimmy in the kitchen. Mrs. Patmore isn’t running a brothel.

Anna interrupts an adorable moment between Mrs. Hughes and Mr. Carson to tell Mrs. Hughes she wants to move back upstairs. Poor Anna and Bates! They just can’t catch a break.

We resume the kitchen shenanigans when Daisy sees Ivy sneak off to the boot room with Jimmy. When Alfred enters to tell Ivy some good news about possibly going to cooking school in London, Daisy sends him straight to the boot room, where Alfred witnesses Ivy and Jimmy mid-kiss. Ouch. Sorry, Alfred. But, at least you’ll have a good reason to apply for cooking school now! 

In London, Lady Rose and Lady Mary are set to eat with Aunt Rosamund. When Lady Mary enters the dining room, guess who she sees? If you guessed Lord Gillingham, you must have conversed with Cora before reading this. The conversation proceeds as follows:

Lady Mary: Sorry I’m late.

-SEES LORD G-

Lady Mary: WTF are you doing here?

Lord G: Happy to see me?

Lady Mary: In the sense that one is happy to find a pimple? No.

Aunt Rosamund: Dinner parties are excellent, aren’t they?

Lady Mary: We've just got rid of these people!

Lady Rose: I love company!

Lady Mary: I hope Ms. Lane Fox doesn’t have a problem with your being here.

Lord G: You’re much hotter than she is.

Lady Mary: I do love a good compliment.

Sir John: Let’s all go to the Lotus Club after dinner!

Lady Rose: Yesssssssssssss!

Lady Mary: I don’t know why we’re still taking you out in public.

At the Lotus Club, Lady Mary and Lord Gillingham dance, and Mary admits that she’s not too sorry that Lord Gillingham has given her a vacation from her real life. Lord G asks her to have dinner again, but Mary comes up with another couple of excuses for why they can’t date, the most prominent of which is that the season is only halfway over. 

During the dancing, we get several shots of the singer at the nightclub, who is – GASP! – black. Lady Rose dances with Sir John, who has had a few too many glasses of champagne. After awkwardly moving Rose around the floor, the black singer, Jack Ross, pushes him out of the way and dances with Rose, “rescuing her from deep humiliation.” Aunt Rosamund immediately dispatches Branson to remove Rose from his clutches and thus preserve the family honor. Everyone is successfully shuttled from the club, but not before Jack Ross launches into a rendition of “A Rose by any Other Name.” Foreshadowing!

The merry trio of Lady Mary, Lady Rose, and Branson return to Downton, and Lord Gillingham, who apparently has nothing better to do than follow these people around, has turned up unexpectedly and uninvited. This greatly displeases Anna, who wonders if Mr. Green will be with him. He’s not, but Bates’s prison senses are alerted at this revelation.

Branson meanwhile, on the advice of Lady Mary, has decided to come clean to Mrs. Hughes about his “indiscretion” with Braithwaite. Mrs. Hughes, who is probably wondering how she can get on the same pay grade as Dr. Phil after counseling Anna, Carson, and Branson in the same day, agrees to help him out of his predicament.

Lord Gillingham and Mary meet up in the parlor, where this conversation takes place.

Lady Mary: Back again, are we? I hope People features me in their “Body After Baby” section with all of the attention you’ve been throwing my way.

Lord G: Marry me?

Lady Mary: You don’t know me.

Lord G: And?

Lady Mary: We just met.

Lord G: And?

Lady Mary:  . . . .

Lord G: Look, your husband’s dead. I’m alive. I’m in love with you.

Lady Mary: Forget it. There are still four episodes left.

Lord G: Kiss me before I go please.

Lady Mary: Why not?

Lord G: Thanks! See you at the Christmas special!

The time has come for Mrs. Hughes to confront Edna.

Mrs. Hughes: Come in.

Edna: I knew you’d try to pay me off. No worries though, this man is going to bring up my child whether he likes it or not!

Mrs. Hughes: Um. You’re not pregnant.

Edna: Says who?

Mrs. Hughes: Says this book you bought about birth control!

Edna: How dare you foil my evil plot by looking through my things?

Mrs. Hughes: Nobody messes with Mrs. Hughes, bizzzzzzzznitch!

Branson: I am so in awe of you right now.

Back in London, we check in with Lady Edith and Wannabe Nazi Michael Gregson.

Gregson: I’ve dismissed all of the servants. We’re all alone. All. Alone.

Edith: We’re not doing dishes, right?

Gregson: As if. Did you miss me?

Edith: Duh. So you’ll be goose-stepping traveling to Germany next week? Anything I can do before you go?

Gregson: Besides hand over your “flower?” I mean, um, yeah, sign this thing giving you authority over my affairs when if something happens to me.

Edith: Ok. Sounds good. Are we going out tonight?

Gregson: I did not rose-petal my bed for no reason. Hope you borrowed the birth control book from Braithwaite, because it’s on!

Edith: Well, I guess I can’t be a spinster AND a virgin for another season.

Later, Aunt Rosamund, who witnessed Edith’s walk of shame, had this to say on the subject:

Aunt Rosamund: You look better than I thought you would.

Edith: Please. I tamed that “bed”-head. But I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Aunt Rosamund: So, should we just get to the point? Don’t tell me you were “talking” until 6 AM.

Edith: It’s cool. He wants to marry me.

Aunt Rosamund: Need I remind you that you got left at the altar?

Edith: Unnecessary! Are you going to tell Mama?

Aunt Rosamund: Nah. I'm still cool Aunt Rosamund. But seriously, just remember that un-wed mother looks good on no one.

Edith: I’m not sorry, even though this relationship has had more red flags than a Communist convention.

Aunt Rosamund: Not yet anyway.

We end the episode with Lady Mary and Tom off to London, cryptically referring to the wrappings up of their stories for the week.

This episode was (unfortunately) light on the Dowager Countess, so we'll save her quotes for next week. In the meantime, I will be coming up with "ship" names for Mr. Carson and Mrs. Hughes. Harson? Chughes? 

JUAN PABLO! I HOPE HE DIES!

We are back for another week of JPab’s “adventura,” and things are looking delightfully dramatic as we head into week two! This week, we have the first one-on-one date to look forward to, as well as maybe trying to see if Juan Pablo can string a sentence together! 

We open on a group of the “ladies” discussing the fact that Clare has gotten the first date card. Apparently, it wasn’t important enough to show the actual arrival of the date card except in the preview (was it the preview? Did I miss something?) so, yeah…. Clare discusses how a few months ago she was really scraping the bottom of the barrel, getting herself dinner, and going to the store, you know, all of the things we single losers are stuck doing. Thank goodness the date card has basically rescued her from her drab existence. Sounds like you really had it rough, Clare.

JPabs arrives, everyone primps, and Clare is whisked away. “Being El Bachelor has made me give a lot of surprises,” declares JPabs as he blindfolds his date and places her into a car. “I wish I was wearing that blindfold!” cries Chelsie. Really? You want to be blindfolded and taken to a second location by a stranger? To each her own, I guess. Everyone teems with jealousy as they wave goodbye.

When we arrive on the date, after some commentary about how great Juan Pablo smells, JPabs asks Clare to jump on top of him. Whoa. Slow it down, buddy! You just got there! Save those mounting muscles for the fantasy suite. JP carries Clare through some snow, and when he takes her blindfold off, Clare is dumbfounded at how beautiful the producer created winter wonderland is. “There is snow, and we are in LOS ANGELES!” says a dumbfounded Clare. The two frolic about, sledding, giggling, touching, etc.

Back at the mansh, the “ladies” discuss the possibilities of the outcome of the date, but, oh, I’m sorry, what was that? I was distracted by hookworm-host Lucy’s bare breasts hot-tubbing it with the rest of the (blessedly clothed) “ladies.” “I want the group date!” she announces. “I don’t think I’ll go unnoticed!”  (was she trying to be ironic?) Kat gives Lucy a look reminiscent of the look Michelle Obama gave Barack when he was taking selfies at Nelson Mandela’s funeral, and the producers are reminded to truck another round of penicillin and Valtrex to the house.  

Back on the one-on-one, Clare has already used the words “vulnerable,” “put myself out there,” and “ haven’t felt this way in a long time” and it’s only 8 minutes into the episode. This date must not have been that great, because all we hear during the entire ice-skating montage is Clare’s confessional interview, and not a word from JPabs

Next thing we know, Clare and JPabs are in the hot tub, and Clare can hardly control herself. “I just loved watching him slither into the hot tub,” she gushes. Are you auditioning husbands or swimsuit models, Clare? Hmmm? Anyway, she proceeds to give JPabs a back massage while telling him about her deceased father. I gotta tell you Clare, though my experience with men in hot tubs is lacking, I’m pretty sure that the best time to tell him something important about you is not when you are rubbing your hands all over his back. Just a thought. Anyway, she tells JPabs how much she can’t find the right guy to replace her dad, blah blah. She also uses the first “location/love” metaphor of the season, telling him how after her dad died, she turned into an “ice queen.” Ooooh. Well done. JPabs is understanding, in fact, so understanding that he doesn’t say anything. But, she gets the rose anyway. “Come in here!” Clare demands, and with rose in hand, she throws herself at him, tells him he “tastes like snow” (so..bland and woody?) and the make out scene that follows is pretty uncomfortable. Then they are treated to a snow-side concert from Josh Krajcik, and there is more uncomfortable making out, this time with Clare pressed up against Juan Pablo like she’s fondant in a pasta press, and he’s dropping a beat on her butt. We are right on schedule. 

The next day, we get another one-on-one date, this time with Kat! “Feel the electricity!” reads the date card. A few minutes later, she and JPabs pull up to an airport. Yes! Private jet time! Once again, Kat forgets where she is and who really planned the date and says, “I can totally see myself being with someone who plans surprises like this!” and that she’s “dreaming of jet-setting with her Latin lover.” Go home with the producer, Kat. But, it’s really sweet that you think JPabs can afford that.

JPabs dresses Kat in a neon running outfit, and they appear to head out to some sort of rave. I hope JPab remembered the Molly! But alas, it is not a rave, but the start of an electric 5K in Salt Lake City, UT! Let me just say that if anyone, ANYONE, took me on a date to run a 5K, I’d straight up cut them. But, this is the Bachelor, so what’s more romantic than working on your fitness together!? Besides, I’m sure they each need to find out whether or not the other is in good enough shape to be seen in public. “This is the perfect date for me and for Kat!” says JPabs, which I took to mean that he didn’t want to hear her speak at all, because the house music being played during the 5K was ridonnnnkulously loud. All the better to see that body move and not be distracted by words. Amiright!? He must have decided that she passed whatever test this was, because Kat gets the rose!

We then pick up later in the week, where Chelsie, Renee, Chantel, Boobs McGee, Kelly, Andi, Victoria, Lauren S, Elise, Alli, Nikki, and Cassandra will be participating in the group date. Kelly is confused about the date card, which says “Say Cheese!” “Maybe it’s a photo shoot, but it could just be eating cheese. I’m good at both, so…” were her actual words. Oh, please be the latter. “This might turn into a horror show,” says Victoria, right before Lucy flashes the camera again. That censor bar is having the best week ever.

When we arrive at the location, JPabs and the girls shimmy into a warehouse, which is set up for a photo shoot! A rack of very tiny bikinis floats by, and we find out that today, JPabs and the girls will be posing with rescue dogs for Models and Mutts, which raises money and awareness for dog rescues.

Lucy gets a very modest fire hydrant costume, which she is, understandably, unhappy with. But fortunately Elise is uncomfortable with her assigned nude photo shoot, and Lucy is more than willing to switch with her! How convenient. Props to Elise though, who doesn’t think it’s a good idea to pose nude when she’s a first grade teacher. Too bad she didn’t use that same logic when deciding to become a contestant on this program, but whatever. It’s sort of growth, right? In the meantime, Andi is also uncomfortable with being asked to pose nude, but good news! JPabs is going to take one for the team and get naked too! He tells her not to panic, because obviously, he wants to see her naked. But he manages to make it sound sort of classy. I don’t believe for a second that he was actually naked. There’s no way the producers would just let him give that away for free.

After the shoot, we reconvene on the rooftop pool, where the animals will hunt their prey. Cassandra gets her one-on-one first, and she breaks the news to JPabs that she has a son, who takes it gracefully. Renee is next, and the two bond over their parenting, while Renee attempts to get JPabs to kiss her, but with no luck. In the meantime, Victoria has taken the producers’ bait and has made her way through several glasses of wine. Nikki tells her that she probably needs to tone it down with the alcohol, but Victoria insists that she can’t be hammered, “she just got there!” “This is how I am sober! I’m just fun sober!” she drawls. Her confessional is pretty much golden, and she declares that if she emerges the “winner” she will be “straddling Juan Pablo like errrrrrry dayyyyy” because that’s what life is about, straddling people and things (her words). She also introduces us to a new life-saving technique, “the hymen maneuver” which she apparently performed on Juan Pablo at the photo shoot (LOL). Eventually, she interrupts Nikki’s one-on-one time with Juan Pablo by walking up and down in front of them. That’ll show ‘em! Victoria ends up in the bathroom, weeping on the floor while Renee attempts to comfort her. But her efforts are fruitless, and Victoria declares that she’s “DONE! GOING HOME!” and that she “JUST CAN’T DEAL WITH THE F***ING GIRLS ANYMORE!” She doesn’t even wait for the producers to call her the reject van, and tries to run off without shoes. After a producer stops her from jumping into oncoming traffic, she makes her way back to the bathroom floor, where she screams, “JUAN PABLO! I HOPE HE DIEEEEEEEEEEEES!” Yikes. After all of this, JPabs still has a rose to give out, and the rose goes to …. Kelly! Because the “best sport she was.” Thanks, Yoda.

The next day, JPabs visits Victoria at a second location, where he very gracefully tells her to get lost. Bye, Victoria! With all of this, I’m not even sure I can handle a cocktail party right now.

Not a whole lot of action to report from the cocktail party, except that Sharleen apologizes for being an ungrateful biotch last week with the first impression rose. Good save, Sharleen.  Or rather, producers. And, getting roses tonight are . . Cassandra, Nikki, Andi, Elise, Sharleen, Renee, Danielle, Boobs McGee, Allison, Chelsie, Lauren, and Christine! Saying goodbye tonight are Chantel and Weather Girl Amy. So long, boring people!

Well, that’s week two, Rose Enthusiasts! What a roller-coaster! See you next week!

I'm no Oscar Wilde

Ahem. Some short dialogues recapping tonight's events on Downton Abbey.

Lady Mary and Lord "Hottie" Gillingham:

Lord Gillingham: Do you remember me?
Mary: I spilled ice cream on myself at your house once.
Lord Gillingham: Nice. So, even though everyone knows your husband died, are you married?
Mary: R U Serious?
Lord G: Sorry. I’m tactless. But you’re pretty good looking. Also, I might have a fiance. But the arrangement is flexible.
- LATER THAT NIGHT -
Lord G: Let’s go riding. On horses I mean.
Lady Mary: I guess. It’s time I got back in the saddle. Surely I’ll be stiff tomorrow. From the horse riding.
- THEY GO RIDING -
Lord G: Get over Matthew and date me already.
Lady M: Now that Matthew's dead, I'm back to being pretty much a total biotch. Give me time to enjoy that, please.
Lord G: That guy was so lucky.
Lord G: You should stand up to your father, you know.
Lady M: Thanks for your support.
Lord G: I mean, I think you’re super hot, so really, whatever is going to help me get into your petticoats.
- AFTER DINNER -
Lord G: Let’s dance.
- INSERT MATTHEW'S GRAMOPHONE, HARBINGER OF MEMORIES -
Lady M: No thanks.
- THE NEXT DAY -
Lord G: Let’s go out next time we’re in London.
Lady M: Don’t you have a girlfriend? I don’t think so, but thanks for the ego-boost, peasant.


 Lady Edith and Michael "I look like a Keebler Elf" Gregson:

Gregson: I am learning German.
Edith: I am so freaking impressed.
Gregson: I know. Joining up with eventual Nazis is so romantic.

Lord Grantham and the men lose money to Lord Gillingham's shady friend:

Sampson: Let’s play cards, suckers

Everyone else: Great idea.

Gillingham: Don’t let him cheat you.

Lord Grantham: Even though I have proven to be completely financially irresponsible by bankrupting Downton not once, but TWICE, I think I’ll do ok.

Sampson: I'll steal all the moneys! I am such a lucky card shark. 

Everyone else: Interestingly, the rest of us are really out the cash.

Sampson: You may win it all back before it’s over, even though I am so clearly up to no good I can’t believe you haven’t caught on.

 - THE NEXT NIGHT - 

Gregson: We playing cards again tonight?

Sampson: Seriously? What luck! Of course.

Gregson: Sweet. See you later!

Sampson: Hopefully during the singing. Amiright!?

Gregson: Don't worry, I'll be stealing all of your money back so I can finally sleep with Edith. 

And finally, Branson and Edna "I'm even creepier than O'Brien" Braithwaite:

Edna: Love your white tie.

Tom: Yeah. It sucks.

Edna: Remember when I tried to seduce you? Don’t let it stop you from being friends with me. Want to do lunch?

Tom: I wish you the best.

Edna: Not as much as you will.

-LATER THAT NIGHT-

Edna: How was the dance?

Tom: Dreadful.

Edna: Thank goodness. If it wasn’t, there’s no way you’d ever sleep with me again.

-ANOTHER AWKWARD SOCIAL ENGAGEMENT LATER-

Edna: Here’s some booze.

Tom: Thanks.

Edna: You looked desperate.

Tom: You totally get me. I am so lonely.

Edna: Excellent news. Keep drinking.

Tom: Thanks for the advice. Night night.

Edna: I'll be up to take advantage of your vulnerability later. 

S@#% the Dowager Countess Said: 

"We can't all be Oscar Wilde" "Thank Goodness" - on Branson's social awkwardness

“If I were to search for logic, I would not do it among the English upper class” - on social customs

“Guilt has never played a major part in my life” - on Isobel's reluctance to enjoy life after Matthew's death.

There were some other developments in this episode, like poor Anna getting attacked by the completely horrible Mr. Green (Lord Gillingham's valet), and some continued tension with the Alfred/Ivy/Daisy/Jimmy quadrangle, but for the most part, that pretty much hits the high points. Until next Sunday! 

It's Juan-uary!

It's time for another new season of El Bachelor! This season, we will be jumping in to an "adventura" with Juan Pablo Galavis, who, even though he only appeared on roughly 16 minutes of Desiree's season of the Bachelorette, has apparently taken America by storm. Or so Chris Harrison says anyway.

We open the season premiere with a bit of J Pab's life in Miami, where he plays shirtless volleyball with hotties, cavorts with athletes, works on his fitness on beaches, takes solo walks in parks, waves to his minions, you know, regular stuff. We also get to see his daughter Cameeeela, who hopefully is young enough not to be permanently damaged by living with her dad in the Bachelor house.

Former Bachelor Sean also makes an appearance early in the episode, just happening to walk over a hill and right into the yard where JPabs and Camila are having some producer structured quality time. Sean's advice? Don't kiss the girls in front of the other girls. Thanks, Sean. We are then blessed (?) by some gratuitous footage of Juan Pablo showering before making his way to the mansion for the intros.

Chris Harrison is waiting for us at the mansh, and tells us again how much we all love Juan Pablo. So much, in fact, that they added TWO extra girls to the mix, bringing the quota of the emotionally damaged to 27!

SOME SUPERLATIVES TO DESCRIBE THIS YEAR'S BATCH OF "LADIES"

Creepiest Creepster: Amy J, Massage Therapist. Not only was her intro tape one of the most disturbing I have ever seen on this program, she attempts to give Juan Pablo a massage in the driveway of the mansion, including oils, which she spread all over his tux. Way to go, weirdo.

Oldest Looking Young Person: Lauren, "Pug-Face" H, who meets this season's emotional damage quota all by herself. Not only does she look like she is 40 (she's 25), but she proceeds to weep all the way through the cocktail party about how "over" her last relationship she is while simultaneously dragging all of the other "ladies" into her emotional mess.

Most likely to make everyone in the house contract fungus: Self-proclaimed "free spirit" Lucy, who showed up in a dress made of a sheet and a pair of the sickest bare feet I've seen since the last time I wore any of the shoes I owned and wore without socks while attending NAU. And all God's hookworms said, "Amen."

Not Here to Make Friends Award: "Pretty girl" Valerie, who tells her pet goats that "ugly people need love too."

Way too good to be on this suck-fest: Lacy, who owns a nursing home. They showed her helping all of her patients and special-needs relatives, and it was truly a little inspiring, until I remembered what program I was watching. Then I just felt sad for her.

Don't let the producers manipulate you award: Clare, whose late father made a DVD for her future husband. Please Clare, please. Don't show this to JPabs. Please. For me. Clare also gets "strangest limo gag" by showing up pretending to be pregnant, demonstrating to Juan Pablo her eagerness to have children. Fatal attraction called...

Awkwardest Limo Convo: Cassandra, who says "Oooook. Nice to meet you" and then awkwardly stumbles into the house. If I were much thinner, this was pretty much exactly how my foray into being on the Bachelor would surely go. I feel for ya, Cassandra.

Best "Accidental" Cleavage Grope: Pediatric nurse Nikki, who brings a stethoscope so JPabs can "feel how her heart was beating." Conveniently, this also involved his having to put his hand smack in the middle of her deeeep V. Well played, Nikki. Well played.

Crazy Eyes Award: "Dog Lover" Kelly, who got out of the limo looking like a crack-enhanced Kathie Lee Gifford. She also brought her dog Molly with her, which was probably good, since Kelly appeared to get lost on her way into the door.

Best Almost-Rejection of the First Impression Rose: Sharleen, who, when Juan Pablo bestows the night's highest honor on her, takes a full sixty seconds to respond before saying, "Sure. Yeah. Sure," in a tone that made Ben Stein sound enthusiastic. Burrrrrn. Thankfully, Juan Pablo doesn't seem to pick up on this. "I know she's going to sleep well tonight," he declares. Oh, honey. It's a good thing you're pretty.

And finally, the best thing that ever happened in the history of ever during the rose ceremony since Jesse called the wrong name on night one many seasons ago: Kylie, who when Juan Pablo calls Kat's name, proceeds to march forward to get her rose. Because it's too good to miss, here's Yahoo's coverage of the glory.

Ouch. Sorry Kylie.

That's it for this week, Rose Lovers! I think this season is going to be a delicious wreck, don't you?

I see no necessity to eat off a tray.

Forget that I have to be at work in less than 8 hours (so long, winter break!), let's recap the (obscenely long) season premiere of the show that makes you want to get lucky with middle-aged valets (I'm looking at you, Mr. Bates) and learn how to do finger-waves, Downton Abbey!

Questions I needed answers to at the end of last season:

1) What was the show going to do without Matthew, and the Matthew/Mary relationship?

A: Turn Mary into Morticia Addams, apparently. When we pick up in the first episode, six months after Matthew was bitten by the Hollywood bug killed in a car accident, Mary is practically comatose, and wearing a fine variety of death shrouds. She is sending Anna off to wait on her mother because "she isn't going to be taking long trips" and calling her child a "poor orphan" while she stares at the floor. Lord Grantham is only too pleased to let this carry on, because, as George's guardian (and heir to the estate), Mary has some stake in the running of Downton. As we saw last season, Lord Grantham, while perfectly happy to accept the unconventional sexual behavior of his under butler, cannot fathom a new way of doing anything at Downton. Now that Matthew is dead, he would like to be left alone to let the estate go bankrupt under his poor management, thank you. Basically, Robert sucks. We all know Robert sucks. Thankfully, the family, led by the Dowager, also thinks Robert's attitude sucks. Branson enlists Carson to talk some sense into Lady Mary, and get her to join "the land of the living." Mary, on the other hand, won't be persuaded until the Dowager lays it down for her (and even drops the "L" word!) and tells her to take charge of her life. So, we end the first hour with Mary almost back in the saddle. Emotionally bruised, yes, but at least ready to be distracted from grief. Frankly, I'm glad that Lady Mary isn't recovering quickly from Matthew's death. I mean, I'm not sure I'm emotionally recovered from it. But, judging from the previews for next week, she's going to have to recover fast, because there's a new hottie in town, Lord Anthony Gillingham! I smell a one-sided love-affair!

2) Why do Lady Edith, Molesly, and Daisy continually get dumped on?

A: Schadenfreude? These three just can't catch a break!

a. Daisy is still in love with Alfred, who is still in love with Ivy, who is still in love with Jimmy, who is still in love with Jimmy. It's Valentine's Day in the first episode, and Daisy receives a card not from Alfred but from Mrs. Patmore, who didn't want her to feel bad about being the kitchen reject. Poor girl! First she had Thomas pretending to like her, William, who died, and now this? And judging from the looks of things, Alfred is not going to be changing his mind anytime soon. Give Daisy a boyfriend!

b. Continual sad-sack Molesly, who besides looking like Charlie Brown, has been left without a job due to Matthew's untimely passing and evicted from the house by Carson, who says they can't afford to keep him around. The Dowager feels sorry for him and tries to "audition" him for butler for a friend, but he is sabotaged by the Dowager's butler (Stames? Stubbs? Whatever his name is) and is forced to move back home with his father, who, incidentally, seems to have way better social skills than his son, and dig ditches. Thankfully, Mr. Bates and Anna decide to take compassion on him and lend him some money, but geeeeez. Molesly's luck makes the sinking of the Titanic seem like a great party topped off with a sea-salt scrub.

c. We also have Jane Eyre Edith, who after the Anthony Strallan disaster last season, immediately took up with newspaper man Michael Gregson, who would marry her, except for his insane wife from whom he cannot procure a divorce. Now, any smart person would run in the other direction, but since Edith is apparently a glutton for punishment, and the most pathetic virgin on television, she is jumping on in. Gregson suggests becoming a German citizen so he can get divorced, and she's totally on board. A German citizen? GERMAN. CITIZEN. Who sees this ending well? Why can't she ever get with someone normal? It's not enough to be the ugliest of your siblings and to be left at the altar, and have your father not want you to write editorials and being generally unpleasant? You have to have your boyfriend be willing to join up with the most hated nation in Europe? UGH. EDITH. Why you so stupid?

3) Are Mrs. Hughes and Mr. Carson EVER going to get together?

A: Probably not, but I'm still holding out hope. Those two are so secretly into each other!

There's much more to say, but, if you're still reading, I'd like to keep it that way, so it's time for everyone's favorite segment: "S@#% the Dowager Countess Says!"

"It is at times like these when I am tempted to ring for nanny, and have you put to bed with no supper!" - on Robert's perceived ousting of Mary from the runnings of Downton

"Who are we to warrant any courtesy?" - on the audacity of Lady Edith not to change before joining the ladies in the sitting room

"Just because you're a widow, I see no necessity to eat off a tray!" - on Isobel's lonely life

And the ZINGER of the night: "I see I'm beaten, but I do sympathize with King Canute!" - on whether or not to call Branson "Branson" or "Tom"

Procrastination

Things I did while I should have been grading book reports (collected December 5, finished January 4 c. 3 PM) 1) Brushed Dexter

2) Did dishes.

3) Vacuumed.

4) Crocheted a hat.

5) Watched the feature commentary on The Sound of Music (again)

6) Watched 48 Hours

7) Crocheted another hat.

8) Made a video about how I ran over my jacket with the car to get the tag off.

9) Cleaned the garage.

10) Watched the feature commentary on Mary Poppins (again)

11) Threw away old food

12) Cleaned Dexter's water dish with vinegar.

13) Wrote a blog.

14) Watched on incredibly reputable sites the entire fourth series of Downton Abbey

15) Watched the feature commentary on When Harry Met Sally . . . (again)

16) Started crocheting another hat, but ran out of gray yarn.

17) Watched the feature commentary on Sleepless in Seattle (again)

18) Had an insanely long text conversation with Krista Hansen

19) Wrote another blog

20) Read Paper Towns by John Green

21) Hung up all of my clothes

22) Read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

23) Put a bunch of crap in my Amazon shopping cart, but haven't bought anything

24) Watched the feature commentary on Julie & Julia

25) Wondered if I'll ever get my writing voice as great as Nora Ephron, after watching three feature commentaries with her (answer: unlikely)

26) Watched the last five episodes of Parenthood. Made new resolution to be Lauren Graham.

27) Wrote this list

January, what?

(I would like to thank inevitable Emmy winner Morgan Blair Thompson for the inspiration for this post)

A comprehensive list of what movies I watch for each American holiday

1) New Years Eve - When Harry Met Sally . . . (because Auld Lang Syne)

2) Martin Luther King Day - Remember the Titans (because racism)

3) Valentine's Day - Sleepless in Seattle (because An Affair to Remember)

4) Presidents' Day - I couldn't come up with anything good.

5) Easter - The Sound of Music

6) Earth Day - Wall-E (because Earth is dead)

7) First Day of Summer Vacation - Now and Then (takes place at the beginning of summer)

8) Fourth of July - Men in Black (Independence Day is too cliche, but Will Smith protecting America is not)

9) Last Day of Summer Vacation - Stand by Me (takes place on the last weekend of Summer)

8) Columbus Day - A completely useless movie, just like this holiday.

9) Halloween - Psycho (because serial killers)

10) Thanksgiving - All episodes of Friends that involve Thanksgiving. Not a movie, but the only example of pop culture that cares about Thanksgiving.

11) Christmas - There isn't a single right movie here. Except Elf. Elf sucks (yeah yeah, I am the only one who thinks so, whatever)