I am not familiar with the sensation.

Downton Abbey, Series 4, Episode 6 Recap! 

Ahem. A breakfast conversation with the Crawley family:

Lady Edith: Anything in the mail? I'm going to need official word on whether or not my life is ruined. 
Lord Grantham: Nope. But your Uncle Harold has made some poor business decisions. 
Lady Rose: Who's Uncle Harold?
Lord Grantham: Cora's lame brother. I've always thought Harold a good businessman, and since I haven't come to grips with the fact that I am clearly no JP Morgan, he must truly be appalling with money. 
Lady Edith: Why in the world would he want your help? Remember when you bankrupted Downton? Twice? 
Lord Grantham: I have no idea. I must skedaddle. 
Branson: We're farming pigs now. 

And with this, plus a few mentions of Robert's upcoming birthday bash, we begin the fifth episode of this season of Downton.

Downstairs Drama

The drama continues between Daisy/Ivy/Jimmy/Alfred, when Alfred gets accepted to cooking school after all! Daisy, who had just been giving Alfred the hottest toast as a reward for staying, is devastated, even though everyone and their dog has tried to tell Daisy that Alfred is clearly just not that into her and whether he stays or not is not going to make him date her, but whatever. Daisy confronts Ivy about this, blaming Ivy and her tart-y ways for driving Alfred away. Yikes. Calm down, Daisy. It's not Ivy's fault that she's way more attractive than you are. When it comes time for Alfred to leave, the downstairs staff gathers to say goodbye, Thomas tells him not to do anything he wouldn't do ("that leaves him a lot of leeway," says Mrs. Patmore), and Daisy does not join the proceedings. Because he's sort of insensitive, Alfred goes into the kitchen and tells Daisy he's sorry he's not attracted to her. Wow. Great. Just what she wants to hear. But, rather than attack him with a kitchen knife (as I would have done), Daisy LOVES it! She wishes him good luck and tells him that she knows he'll be successful. Ugh, Daisy. You are far too easily pleased.

Guess who happened to see Alfred getting on the train while he was laying gravel at the train station? If you guessed, (Eeyore) Molesly, you're a lot savvier than whoever was calling plays for the Broncos offense. The following conversation takes place between Carson and Eeyore.

Carson: Eeyore! What are you doing here?
Eeyore: Well, you know, I was repairing gravel at the station . . . my horrible job, remember? Saw Alfred. He's going to London.
Carson: Your point?
Eeyore: Just wanted to remind you that I totally humbled myself last week and decided to sink to the lowest depths of employment for you and for Downton, so . . .
Carson: Yeah, about that . . . I've no room for egos here.
Eeyore: Er . . . eh. . . .what? I mean, I said I would . . .?
Carson: Peace out, sucka.

Hughes and Patmore, on the other hand, aren't letting Carson off so easily, and the two start scheming a bit of a plan. There's hope for you yet, Eeyore! They invite Molesly to serve the servants' tea, and Carson, who just cannot stand this idea, gives in and welcomes Molesly back into the house. During this little montage, we get a shot of Miss Baxter, who is totally checking him out. A job and a girlfriend? Can Molesly get so lucky?

Jimmy and Ivy enjoy their night off by going to see a Rudolph Valentino picture (who Mrs. Patmore apparently finds quite attractive. Down, girl). However, when Jimmy wants her to um... repay him for his "kindness" of taking her to the cinema, Ivy is appropriately offended, and strands him in the middle of the park. Later, when she tells Mrs. Hughes, Mrs. Patmore, and Daisy about her misfortunes, none of them are sympathetic. Daisy tells her off for not figuring out Jimmy was a creep right away and driving off Alfred in the meantime. Ivy is confused (of course), but Mrs. Hughes (because she's awesome) tells Ivy that "she had that coming." What would these people do without Mrs. Hughes?

Upstairs Inharmony

Edith finally gets some correspondence (and it's not from Mr. Keebler, who has apparently vanished somewhere in Germany), but from the doctor she visited last week, and, to no one's surprise (except maybe hers), there has been a successful union of seed and flower within her, and the first trimester of pregnancy has begun. Ugh. Edith. I told you to borrow that book about birth control from Braithwaite!

Meanwhile, Mr. Napier and his friend Mr. Blake have arrived for their "indefinite" stay at Downton while they assess the various estates in Yorkshire. Mary and Mr. Blake get off on the wrong foot, which clearly means that they'll be in bed by the end of this season, mark my words. I knew we hadn't gotten rid of love interests for her that easily!

Lady Rose has booked Jack Ross's band for Robert's birthday, and honestly, I have no idea what happened during this scene because I was distracted by Jack Ross's voice. My heavens, it was pretty. At the end of the night, Lady Mary goes downstairs to tell the bandleader that Robert will be paying the bill, she walks in on . . . JACK ROSS MAKING OUT WITH ROSE! Right in the kitchen! Ok, it really wasn't that dramatic or that exciting, but I mean, who can blame her? Jack Ross has the voice of an angel! He rescued her from dance floor humiliation! Who wouldn't make out with him? I'll sign myself up right now!

There was also some storyline about the Dowager Countess losing a knife and blaming it on her new gardener, but it was pretty boring. Basically, it was just more sparring between Violet and Isobel, and as much as I love sparring between Violet and Isobel, I want it to be within a story I care about.


MVP Throwaway Moments/Lines:

1) Carson's reaction to finding out the band that Rose has booked for Lord Grantham's birthday includes a black man. Priceless! And Mrs. Hughes congratulating Jack Ross on finding "something about the past Mr. Carson doesn't agree with." I'd watch an entire show with just these two.

2) Violet ringing her bell violently for Spratt during her argument with Isobel.

3) "I wouldn't know. I am not familiar with the sensation" - Violet on being wrong

Juan-nam Style!

Welcome to Week 4 of our exhausting slog through Juan Pablo’s adventura!

We made it three weeks before it was time for the international portion of the show (is it me, or does it seem like this is starting sooner and sooner every season?), but before JPabs and his harem depart for South Korea, we must say goodbye to Cameeeela. I must say, even though her dad is a bit of a brainless git, she is a cute little kid. Juan Pablo tells the camera that it was nice being at a rent free mansion home with Camila, but he is ready to “focus on him.” Because being the Bachelor has always been such a selfless endeavor in the past. We also get to hear that JPabs can’t wait to “date somewhere else,” which I also don’t really understand. One producer-planned date is the same as another, right? As the saying goes, “all dates lead to the hot tub!”

The girls are a little prematurely excited when Chris Harrison tells them to get out their passports. At least wait until he says where you’re going before you start screaming! For all you know, you could be going to dig a well in Haiti. Oh wait . . . never mind. Distended bellies are so unromantic. Upon the reveal, Clare exclaims, “Korea! I don’t even have a kimono!” Ummm?

While high school lessons about cultural literacy are attempting to penetrate Clare’s idiocy, the accent table of doom has also arrived in Korea bearing the first date card! A group date is first this week, and going on the first group date are Chelsie, Cassandra, Elise, Danielle, Kat, and Nikki! Nikki is particularly unhappy about this, and refers to the other girls going on the date as “quite annoying,” complaining that she would rather not spend this time in a foreign country with them. Sounds like a personal problem, sweetheart.

Juan Pablo is taking the girls to a studio, where they are going to be dancing with some K-Pop group, 2NE1, who are apparently the Korean Spice Girls. When the “ladies” arrive in the room, they are so excited! About what, I have no idea, since I’m sure they have no idea who these people are. Everyone takes turns dancing in front of everyone, and then learn a 2NE1 dance, because all of the girls are going to dance behind 2NE1 at their concert tonight! Nikki continues to complain about pretty much everything, especially the performance aspect, and declares that the situation calls for her to “crap her pants.” I’d pay to see that, Nikki.

JPabs and the girls perform with 2NE1 at the mall, and I’m not sure the girls’ performance does much to improve any foreigner’s opinion of America. Kat is gyrating harder than Elvis, Nikki looks like she’d rather be dead, and JPabs just looks loveably clueless. In short, what people think Americans are actually like. So, well done, I guess.

At the after party, Nikki expresses her distaste for Kat and her attention-seeking ways during the performance, but the other girls (and rightfully so), express their dislike for Nikki’s constant whining. Unfortunately for them, Nikki brings out the big guns during her one-on-one by talking about Camila, and she gets the date rose! “Ugh. Yuck!” says Chelsie.

The only one-on-one this week went to a cardboard box Sharleen. I am super curious as to how this ends up, since Juan Pablo seems to be much more attracted to Sharleen than she to him. The other girls apparently feel the same, since they express that they really don’t understand the chemistry between the two of them (I’m not sure Sharleen understands it either, since she talks about Juan Pablo the same way one would discuss a bunion – with detached annoyance). However, JPabs tells the camera Sharleen is his “favorite” so far. Maybe he’s some sort of secret masochist?

Anyway, the two wander around Seoul for awhile, and JPabs finally gets Sharleen to sing opera for him in a tea garden. She acts like she doesn’t want to, but I call shenanigans on this! You’re telling me she didn’t think anything about people seeing her sing opera on television? Please. Things start to get real though, when Sharleen is asked whether or not she wants children. After completely avoiding the question for awhile (read: not saying a word), she admits that she hasn’t really thought about having kids because she’s been so focused on her career. But obviously, now she’s completely open to more screen time having as many children as JPabs wants and she really wants to have children. Did I mention that she really wants them? She also confesses that she’s unhappy that she wouldn’t be “sharing the first” with JP, but he likes her honesty, and Sharleen gets the rose!

The second group date is with the remaining girls, Renee, Andi, Clare, Lauren, Alli and Kelly, who are about to get “Krazy in Korea!” (why kan’t they just spell things korrectly?). Basically, this entails walking around doing an array of very strange things, the oddest of which is getting fish pedicures (live fish eating your dead skin. Appetizing.)

There was also a particularly eye-roll worthy moment when Clare announces to Juan Pablo that she never wants to try octopus, and then he marches the group right over to … some octopus on a toothpick! The other members of the merry harem eat their octopus, but Clare makes a huge fuss, whining and being “cute” about how she doesn’t want to eat it before choking it down. “I know she’s swallowed bigger things than that,” quips Kelly (please do Bachelor Pad, Kelly. Please).

Later on, JPabs is doing his one-on-ones, and Renee has decided that it’s time for some kissing. “He just smells so good!” she says. But, not so fast, Mami! Juan Pablo has concluded that now is the time to grow a moral compass and not kiss so many girls (he’s already kissed six). To set a good example for Camila of course. Lauren doesn’t get the memo, and immediately flings herself into JP’s arms and tries to kiss him right off. The rejection that ensues was awkward. Ouch, Lauren. She knows it’s bad news too, because she is aware that JPab’s tongue has been down quite a few throats so far and starts crying. This causes JP to feel “horrible” and he comes and comforts her.

Kelly continues to be awesome when discussing Clare’s possessiveness over JPabs earlier in the date. “Is [being possessive] a bad thing?” “Not if you’re a dog,” deadpans Kelly. Andi and Kelly do a hilarious impersonation of JPabs feeding Clare the octopus (complete with accent) that sort of makes me want to be friends with them. It was amazing. I also appreciated the editing of this portion, because they spliced the impersonation of Clare with actual Clare telling JPabs about how she actually “threw up in her mouth” (don’t worry, she swallowed it back down) when she ate the octopus. Yes, it was as awkward as it sounds. I actually couldn’t tell if he was genuinely interested in what she was saying, or if he learned that Americans like big facial expressions, so he was reacting sort of over-the-top. JPab’s new no-kiss policy apparently doesn’t apply to Clare, because his reaction to her previously-imposed no kiss policy was priceless. It sort of reminded me of some teenage kid whose girlfriend won’t give it up, including the pouting. The conversation went something like this:

JP: Why you say no more kissing?

Clare: Because I really liked kissing you.

JP: Me too! So?

Clare: So, since we know that’s there, we should just talk.

JP: Fine. Whatever. Great. I love no kissing. *pouty mouth*

And then they start making out. Well done, JPabs. Even though he thought Clare’s vomit-mouth was too sexy to resist, Andi gets the date rose!

It’s finally time for the cocktail party, and JPabs has picked up on the tension among the girls. Nikki, Sharleen, and Andi are safe and have decided that they should be respectful and not interrupt the one-on-one time of the other rose-less “ladies.” This lasts about ten minutes before Nikki decides that courtesy is overrated and slinks herself right over to where Clare and JPabs are chatting. During the course of Nikki and JPab’s conversation, he reveals that he heard there may be some drama in the house, and Nikki is NOT having that. Nikki thinks that Clare is obviously behind it. Clare says she would never “waste her time” with him like that. She tells Nikki that she is “one way with him and one way with the girls” and that her behavior in the house doesn’t warrant “like, a rose.” Unfortunately for Clare, Juan Pablo is handing out the roses, not her, so Nikki is safe for now. I can only hope these two start ripping each other’s hair extensions out next week.

When the roses are handed out, they go to Renee, Chelsie, Alli, Kelly, Cassandra, Danielle, Clare and Kat, which means that Elise and Lauren are sent packing.

See you next week in Vietnam! Maybe Danielle will finally get a sentence out next week?

Downton Abbey, Series 4, Episode 5 Recap

Bust out the sad entrance music, lords and ladies. Mr. Bates is walking all by his lonesome up to the big house from the cottage. This can only mean one thing! Anna has successfully moved back into the house. Join me in a collective, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” will you?

Not a whole lot happened this week, so we’ll recap the episode character by character:

Cora’s Lady’s Maid Struggles

After ho-bag Edna got the heave-ho last week, Cora’s got a new lady’s maid in town, Miss Baxter. She’s mysterious. She knows how to use a sewing machine. She smiled at Daisy. She might be normal. How in the world did she get hired? I was beginning to think that Lady Grantham had finally shaken her magpie-like quality for collecting sociopaths to make her breakfast, when it is revealed that Baxter is in the clutches of Thomas! Her praising of America and poor dead Lady Sybil were all part of a plot to win her ladyship’s trust. Why? Because everyone downstairs has figured out that being in the company of hordes of demons is more tolerable than two seconds with Thomas, no one tells him anything anymore, and so he has no leverage for his evil schemes. Enter Miss Baxter, Thomas’s new eyes and ears in the house. Yikes.

Edith

The mail has arrived and recently de-flowered but no less pathetic Edith is anxiously awaiting the arrival of correspondence from Michael Gregson, who has departed for Germany. Alas, nothing has arrived for her. Cora suggests that maybe he is busy. Yeah he’s busy! Busy HEIL-ing! Edith also goes up to London under the guise of “visiting Michael’s office,” but pulls up to a doctor’s office instead. I can’t imagine what that’s about.

Mary

Mary is relaxing in the library, when in walks Mr. Evelyn Napier, who, if we all remember, introduced Mary to Mr. Pamuk (a.k.a. the one who died mid-coitus) during season 1. He apologizes for the “whole ghastly business” about Matthew (I wish Dan Stevens would), and tells her that he’s in Yorkshire doing research on whether or not estates like Downton are doing well after the war. Mary volunteers to house Mr. Napier and his boss, Charles Blake, while they are visiting. Geez, Mary, you just turned down a proposal last week, and now you’re welcoming in two new guys? Daisy is going to give you the “Ivy’s Easy” badge any day now.

Bates and Anna

 Anna is continuing to hold Bates at arms’ length, and Bates is visibly shaken. He continues to try to find out what is troubling his wife, but Anna, a master at avoidance behavior, won’t say a word. Naturally, Bates decides that it is time to take desperate measures and, because he knows Mrs. Hughes is a BAMF and everyone tells her everything (and also because he heard she and Anna talking), decides to ask Mrs. Hughes what happened. Mrs. Hughes bristles at the idea at first, but when Mr. Bates threatens to quit because Anna no longer loves him, the truth is revealed. Anna was raped. Mr. Green did it. Mr. Bates tells Anna he knows, and although Anna is upset, they are both grateful that it is out in the open. Mr. Bates continues to be the most unconventionally attractive man on television when he tells Anna that despite her suffering, he has “never loved her more than he does in this moment.” AUGH! Mr. Bates, you slay me. Oh, and also, he’s going to hunt the man down and kill him. Or at least, that’s what was implied when he told Mrs. Hughes this “wasn’t over.”

Other Storylines

 - All of the Grantham women discuss plans for Robert’s birthday. Mary suggests a party to cheer themselves up (from what? Rejecting proposals from decent and attractive men? Having sex with someone dumb enough to become a German citizen? Dancing with a black guy?). Rose has volunteered to plan the party, which probably means that all members of the Crawley family should dust off their togas. The party is apparently happening in next week’s episode, so I guess we have that to look forward to.

 - (Eeyore) Molesly was offered a footman job by Carson, who was looking to replace Alfred if Alfred got accepted to cooking school. Molesly, who is apparently still operating under the misapprehension that he could mope around somewhere better, doesn’t want the job (much to the hilarious dismay of Carson) until it’s too late. Alfred didn’t get in to cooking school, so I guess it’s back to mending roads for you Eeyore. 

 - Mrs. Patmore doesn’t want to get a refrigerator, but she does fancy being able to get rid of her corset in these newfangled times.

S@#% the Dowager Countess Said:

“I wonder your halo doesn’t grow heavy. You must feel you’re wearing a tiara round the clock” – Violet on Isobel’s do-gooder activities

“The last thing we need is a poet in the family. The only poet peer I am familiar with is Lord Byron, and I presume we all know how that ended” – Violet on Robert’s too-eloquent speech

“Wars have been waged with less fervor. Nobody cares about anything as much as you do.” – Violet on Isobel’s never-say-die attitude

Until next week! 

El Bachelor, week 3!

EL BACHELOR, Week 3!

I don’t know about you fellow Rose Enthusiasts, but after last week, I am emotionally spent! But, not being one to turn down the “most awkward kiss in Bachelor history,” I press on!

Our dapper host, Chris Harrison, visits the “ladies” at the mansh, telling them that there will be three dates this week (duh!), two one-on-ones and a group date, and that roses will be available on all three (double duh!). Thanks, Harrison. The usual trash-mouthing occurs about who is or is not going to be on the dates, but that all ends when it is revealed that going on the first date this week is . . . Cassandra!

The date card reads “Love is a wild ride!” so naturally, the girls conclude that Juan Pablo and Cassandra are going on a safari (sure you are). We get a sound byte from Renee reminding us that she and Cassandra are both single parents, and that JP had better not waste their time (um, but he is).  There is also heavy foreshadowing (?) during JPab’s segment, making sure to remind the audience that he will be sending Cassandra home immediately if he’s not feeling it. I’m curious to see what exactly that means, since JP’s “screening process” so far has been whether or not the girls have an ample bosom and/or enough junk in the trunk to tap-tap-tap on. But whatever. Good luck, Cassandra!

Cassandra arrives in a parking lot, where a tricked out Hummer is parked. “Are we driving that??” shrieks Cassandra. Nope. JPab will be taking you around in a Toyota Corrolla. Of course you are driving that, dummy! The two arrive at a marina, where Juan Pablo proceeds to drive the car RIGHT INTO THE WATER, and Cassandra is LOVING it. But seriously, who is this guy? Latin Batman?

After tooling around in the water car for awhile, the two pull up to the Bachelor yacht, where Cassandra declares that she is ready to “jump in!” with JP, right before the two make the token plunge off the side of the boat into the water. How symbolic. (Side note: I wonder how it’s possible that with all of these boat jumps every season, not one of the people on this program has died of Carbon Monoxide poisoning?) There is some water frolicking, and, of course, the two manage to latch on to the side of the boat and make out. You know, the general screening process you want to check off to see if you are doing the right thing by keeping a mother away from her son. 

Despite this, when the twosome arrives at the dinner destination, JP tells the camera that he is going to “have to think about” whether or not Cassandra is getting the rose. So far, we have seen exactly none of their conversations, so it’s anyone’s guess where this is going. JPabs shows Cassandra how to make pasta, and then, in the name of “making her more comfortable” (suuuuuure) the two begin a slightly uncomfortable salsa dance, which includes some leg tangling and JPabs singing to himself. Yeesh.

After the dancing, Cassandra and JPabs have dinner poolside, where we are reminded for the umpteenth time that Cassandra hasn’t been on a date in three years (since she was 18!). Um, call me in another 8 years, Cassandra, and see how awful that is then. Anyway, it sounds like Cassandra seems to be into JP, but because we have to keep everyone guessing, JP is sounding a bit non-committal in his confessional, saying even though Cassandra is “beyoooootiful,“ he has “a lot of things in his mind.” After what is probably intended to be a fake break-up . . . Cassandra gets the rose! What a let down!

The next date card has arrived, and the ladies that will be “kicking it” on the group date are Kelly, Renee, Sharleen, Danielle, Alli, Lauren, Kristi, Andi, Boobs McGee and Nikki, which leaves Chelsie and Elise to fight over the one-on-one date.

The “ladies” show up at a soccer stadium, where they will be facing off for the right to be ogled and humiliated by doing something they are clearly not prepared for. But first, they must practice! Most of them are pretty terrible, which should make the forthcoming game much more interesting.  Not a whole lot happens during the game except that Sharleen got hit in the face a few (dozen) times. The Red Team basically dominates the Blue team, but since everyone gets to go to the after-party, who really cares?

Meanwhile, the four ladies left behind at the mansh await the arrival of the final date card for this week, which goes to . . . . Chelsie! Elise makes a face akin to someone who has just been bitten by a rabid raccoon, and in the true spirit of sportsmanship, declares Chelsie, “a baby” and announces that she’s not sure Juan Pablo is looking to find “another daughter.” The Maturity Train called, Elise, and your ticket has been misplaced.  

Back on the group date, the girls hypothesize about who is going to get the group date rose, but Nikki and Andi appear to be the front runners, since they are the only two that have had their conversations shown so far (Andi also locked lips with JP in the kitchen, so slight edge?).  In what I’m sure is no accidental move on the part of the producers, Sharleen and JPabs make their way to the middle of the soccer field for their one-on-one time, which is – not coincidentally – right in the eye-line of the “ladies!” Ooooooh! The ish is going to go down! Yup, right on schedule, Sharleen and JPabs start making out (I’ve seen giraffes use less tongue than Sharleen. Rein it in, girl), and the girls start freaking out, especially Andi, who is not impressed by JPab’s willingness to make out with her and then make out with someone else (has she seen the show??). Even though he swapped spit with Andi and Sharleen, the rose goes to …. Nikki!

Next up, JPabs and Chelsie head out on their date, for which the card read, “Do you trust me?” Oh no. Here we go again. Some sort of trust metaphor date. Yup, as predicted, JPabs and Chelsie will be bungee jumping! But before we get into the 20 minutes (!!!!!!!) of will-she-jump-or-not-thank-god-she-is-scared-of-heights footage, can I just say that I have never seen a Bachelor or Bachelorette try so hard NOT to talk to the people they are on dates with. The minute Chelsie gets in the car, JPabs cranks up the Spanish music, and they start car dancing all the way to the bridge.

The entire bridge date is basically just an opportunity for JPabs to hug up on Chelsie, trying to talk her into jumping off the bridge. I’m sorry but, saying things like, “it’s going to be ok, I’m here, etc.” are NOT GOING TO KEEP YOU BOTH FROM HAVING YOUR HEADS SPLATTERED OPEN, but this is neither here nor there. Chelsie eventually makes it off the bridge, they make out while they are upside down, and the two are whisked off for a concert by Billy Currington (fairly apropos, since 90% of his songs are about how great being drunk is). No surprise, Chelsie gets the rose. It would be a pretty douchey move to make her jump off the bridge and then send her packing. Plus, she has boobs, so, you know, there’s that.

The next morning, JPabs decides that it would be a great idea to surprise the “ladies” by sneak attacking them in the morning before they are up, so he can, no doubt, see which ones still look good without makeup. When everyone calms down, it is announced to everyone that instead of having the traditional cocktail party, they will be having a pool party instead! Gotta hand it to JPabs! I’m pretty sure his synapses are crossed (if they are firing at all), but he knows enough to make sure he gets to see everyone stripped down so he can make an informed decision about which ones to keep.

The girls decide to crap on Kat during the pool party because she’s “trying too hard.” I have to admit, making sure that your crotch is around JPabs neck for 20 minutes isn’t exactly subtle, Kat. Calm it down. Crotch-gate really upsets Sharleen, who begins weeping about “all of the cameras are everywhere.” (ummmm) To reassure her, JPabs makes out with her again, which I seriously do not get. Sharleen is like the most awkward person on the show. That giraffe tongue of hers must be magical. In turn, Clare, who went on a date last week, sees all of this necking, and corners JPabs and tells him that she’s “not jealous” but “wishes it was her” going on all the dates. Check the Webster’s, Clare, because I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what jealousy is.

In the end, it’s Christy (who?) and Boobs McGee who get the heave-ho. I’m sure the producers are pretty upset about not having to bust out the censor bar again, but that was probably too good to be true anyway.

Next week, JPabs and the “ladies” are off to South Korea, which should be pretty excellent, since JPabs can barely speak English (or at all, really), so seeing him in a foreign country should be pretty rich. See you next week, Rose Enthusiasts!

Downton Abbey Recap: Series 4, Episode 4

We begin this week the morning after last week’s opera party/rape opportunity. All of the servants are sitting down to a glum morning meal, which is just fine by Carson, who “always finds something rather foreign about high spirits at breakfast.” Anna is, and rightfully so, rather fidgety, and Mr. Bates is using his well-developed prison senses to figure out why. When the band of merry-makers and their servants depart, the abominable Mr. Green announces to Carson that he will “remember this visit” for a long time. Mrs. Hughes looks on and seemingly puts two-and-two together, giving Mr. Green a look that says, “Don’t make Mr. Bates teach me how to shiv you!”  (Which, incidentally, I’d pay to see)

The upstairs lot says their goodbyes too, which include Lady Edith seeing off her Keebler Elf Mr. Gregson, the Duchess telling Branson not to feel too sorry about being sad that Sybil is dead (even though he’s clearly the only one), and Lady Mary and Lord Gillingham flirting it up a bit before he sets off.

Isobel runs into Dr. Clarkson, who asks her if she’ll help him with some mumble-mumble hospital thing. Isobel agrees. Ok. Just ask her to dinner already, Dr. Clarkson! It’s obvious to anyone that you want her for more than her nursing skills! Otherwise, what are either of you still doing on the show?

Lady Mary announces plans to go up to London to meet with some tax people. The conversation proceeds as follows:

Lady Mary: I’m going to London to meet with the tax man.

Lord Grantham: I hate that idea.

Lady Mary: Precisely why we should do it. Mama, will you take care of the children?

Cora: If you mean shuck them off with the nanny as usual, then absolutely!

Lady Rose: You’re going to London? Excellent! I’ve not caused enough trouble there! Can I come?

Lady Mary: I guess.

Cora: Are you going to see Tony Gillingham while you’re in London?

Lady Mary: Way to go with the subtleties.

Vile Edna Braithwaite then corners Branson as he’s coming down the stairs:

Edna: So, you didn’t come see me after I plied you with alcohol and took advantage of your vulnerability last night. Why?

Branson: I’m sorry that I let you sleep with me, but seriously! Go away.  

Edna: Fat chance. You’d better marry me if you happened to impregnate me. 

Branson: I am in such major trouble here.

 Down in the kitchen, Ivy has been trusted with making a hollandaise. Oooooh. Nothing good can come of this. Jimmy decides to sample it, and says it’s awful. He confides in Ivy that he would like to spend his life being a lethario, while dancing Ivy around the kitchen. Alfred, Daisy, and Mrs. Patmore return and walk in on this. Alfred tells Jimmy to stop being such a whore, and Mrs. Patmore and Alfred compliment Ivy on her hollandaise. Daisy declares, “It’s not like it’s hard!” Mrs. Patmore is unhappy with Daisy’s attitude, reminding her that Ivy is a beginner. Daisy shoots Ivy a look of pure hatred and deadpans, “but Ivy moves so fast for a beginner.” Hope you’ve got some ice to go with that burn, Ivy! But seriously, you probably should keep your hands off Jimmy in the kitchen. Mrs. Patmore isn’t running a brothel.

Anna interrupts an adorable moment between Mrs. Hughes and Mr. Carson to tell Mrs. Hughes she wants to move back upstairs. Poor Anna and Bates! They just can’t catch a break.

We resume the kitchen shenanigans when Daisy sees Ivy sneak off to the boot room with Jimmy. When Alfred enters to tell Ivy some good news about possibly going to cooking school in London, Daisy sends him straight to the boot room, where Alfred witnesses Ivy and Jimmy mid-kiss. Ouch. Sorry, Alfred. But, at least you’ll have a good reason to apply for cooking school now! 

In London, Lady Rose and Lady Mary are set to eat with Aunt Rosamund. When Lady Mary enters the dining room, guess who she sees? If you guessed Lord Gillingham, you must have conversed with Cora before reading this. The conversation proceeds as follows:

Lady Mary: Sorry I’m late.

-SEES LORD G-

Lady Mary: WTF are you doing here?

Lord G: Happy to see me?

Lady Mary: In the sense that one is happy to find a pimple? No.

Aunt Rosamund: Dinner parties are excellent, aren’t they?

Lady Mary: We've just got rid of these people!

Lady Rose: I love company!

Lady Mary: I hope Ms. Lane Fox doesn’t have a problem with your being here.

Lord G: You’re much hotter than she is.

Lady Mary: I do love a good compliment.

Sir John: Let’s all go to the Lotus Club after dinner!

Lady Rose: Yesssssssssssss!

Lady Mary: I don’t know why we’re still taking you out in public.

At the Lotus Club, Lady Mary and Lord Gillingham dance, and Mary admits that she’s not too sorry that Lord Gillingham has given her a vacation from her real life. Lord G asks her to have dinner again, but Mary comes up with another couple of excuses for why they can’t date, the most prominent of which is that the season is only halfway over. 

During the dancing, we get several shots of the singer at the nightclub, who is – GASP! – black. Lady Rose dances with Sir John, who has had a few too many glasses of champagne. After awkwardly moving Rose around the floor, the black singer, Jack Ross, pushes him out of the way and dances with Rose, “rescuing her from deep humiliation.” Aunt Rosamund immediately dispatches Branson to remove Rose from his clutches and thus preserve the family honor. Everyone is successfully shuttled from the club, but not before Jack Ross launches into a rendition of “A Rose by any Other Name.” Foreshadowing!

The merry trio of Lady Mary, Lady Rose, and Branson return to Downton, and Lord Gillingham, who apparently has nothing better to do than follow these people around, has turned up unexpectedly and uninvited. This greatly displeases Anna, who wonders if Mr. Green will be with him. He’s not, but Bates’s prison senses are alerted at this revelation.

Branson meanwhile, on the advice of Lady Mary, has decided to come clean to Mrs. Hughes about his “indiscretion” with Braithwaite. Mrs. Hughes, who is probably wondering how she can get on the same pay grade as Dr. Phil after counseling Anna, Carson, and Branson in the same day, agrees to help him out of his predicament.

Lord Gillingham and Mary meet up in the parlor, where this conversation takes place.

Lady Mary: Back again, are we? I hope People features me in their “Body After Baby” section with all of the attention you’ve been throwing my way.

Lord G: Marry me?

Lady Mary: You don’t know me.

Lord G: And?

Lady Mary: We just met.

Lord G: And?

Lady Mary:  . . . .

Lord G: Look, your husband’s dead. I’m alive. I’m in love with you.

Lady Mary: Forget it. There are still four episodes left.

Lord G: Kiss me before I go please.

Lady Mary: Why not?

Lord G: Thanks! See you at the Christmas special!

The time has come for Mrs. Hughes to confront Edna.

Mrs. Hughes: Come in.

Edna: I knew you’d try to pay me off. No worries though, this man is going to bring up my child whether he likes it or not!

Mrs. Hughes: Um. You’re not pregnant.

Edna: Says who?

Mrs. Hughes: Says this book you bought about birth control!

Edna: How dare you foil my evil plot by looking through my things?

Mrs. Hughes: Nobody messes with Mrs. Hughes, bizzzzzzzznitch!

Branson: I am so in awe of you right now.

Back in London, we check in with Lady Edith and Wannabe Nazi Michael Gregson.

Gregson: I’ve dismissed all of the servants. We’re all alone. All. Alone.

Edith: We’re not doing dishes, right?

Gregson: As if. Did you miss me?

Edith: Duh. So you’ll be goose-stepping traveling to Germany next week? Anything I can do before you go?

Gregson: Besides hand over your “flower?” I mean, um, yeah, sign this thing giving you authority over my affairs when if something happens to me.

Edith: Ok. Sounds good. Are we going out tonight?

Gregson: I did not rose-petal my bed for no reason. Hope you borrowed the birth control book from Braithwaite, because it’s on!

Edith: Well, I guess I can’t be a spinster AND a virgin for another season.

Later, Aunt Rosamund, who witnessed Edith’s walk of shame, had this to say on the subject:

Aunt Rosamund: You look better than I thought you would.

Edith: Please. I tamed that “bed”-head. But I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Aunt Rosamund: So, should we just get to the point? Don’t tell me you were “talking” until 6 AM.

Edith: It’s cool. He wants to marry me.

Aunt Rosamund: Need I remind you that you got left at the altar?

Edith: Unnecessary! Are you going to tell Mama?

Aunt Rosamund: Nah. I'm still cool Aunt Rosamund. But seriously, just remember that un-wed mother looks good on no one.

Edith: I’m not sorry, even though this relationship has had more red flags than a Communist convention.

Aunt Rosamund: Not yet anyway.

We end the episode with Lady Mary and Tom off to London, cryptically referring to the wrappings up of their stories for the week.

This episode was (unfortunately) light on the Dowager Countess, so we'll save her quotes for next week. In the meantime, I will be coming up with "ship" names for Mr. Carson and Mrs. Hughes. Harson? Chughes? 

JUAN PABLO! I HOPE HE DIES!

We are back for another week of JPab’s “adventura,” and things are looking delightfully dramatic as we head into week two! This week, we have the first one-on-one date to look forward to, as well as maybe trying to see if Juan Pablo can string a sentence together! 

We open on a group of the “ladies” discussing the fact that Clare has gotten the first date card. Apparently, it wasn’t important enough to show the actual arrival of the date card except in the preview (was it the preview? Did I miss something?) so, yeah…. Clare discusses how a few months ago she was really scraping the bottom of the barrel, getting herself dinner, and going to the store, you know, all of the things we single losers are stuck doing. Thank goodness the date card has basically rescued her from her drab existence. Sounds like you really had it rough, Clare.

JPabs arrives, everyone primps, and Clare is whisked away. “Being El Bachelor has made me give a lot of surprises,” declares JPabs as he blindfolds his date and places her into a car. “I wish I was wearing that blindfold!” cries Chelsie. Really? You want to be blindfolded and taken to a second location by a stranger? To each her own, I guess. Everyone teems with jealousy as they wave goodbye.

When we arrive on the date, after some commentary about how great Juan Pablo smells, JPabs asks Clare to jump on top of him. Whoa. Slow it down, buddy! You just got there! Save those mounting muscles for the fantasy suite. JP carries Clare through some snow, and when he takes her blindfold off, Clare is dumbfounded at how beautiful the producer created winter wonderland is. “There is snow, and we are in LOS ANGELES!” says a dumbfounded Clare. The two frolic about, sledding, giggling, touching, etc.

Back at the mansh, the “ladies” discuss the possibilities of the outcome of the date, but, oh, I’m sorry, what was that? I was distracted by hookworm-host Lucy’s bare breasts hot-tubbing it with the rest of the (blessedly clothed) “ladies.” “I want the group date!” she announces. “I don’t think I’ll go unnoticed!”  (was she trying to be ironic?) Kat gives Lucy a look reminiscent of the look Michelle Obama gave Barack when he was taking selfies at Nelson Mandela’s funeral, and the producers are reminded to truck another round of penicillin and Valtrex to the house.  

Back on the one-on-one, Clare has already used the words “vulnerable,” “put myself out there,” and “ haven’t felt this way in a long time” and it’s only 8 minutes into the episode. This date must not have been that great, because all we hear during the entire ice-skating montage is Clare’s confessional interview, and not a word from JPabs

Next thing we know, Clare and JPabs are in the hot tub, and Clare can hardly control herself. “I just loved watching him slither into the hot tub,” she gushes. Are you auditioning husbands or swimsuit models, Clare? Hmmm? Anyway, she proceeds to give JPabs a back massage while telling him about her deceased father. I gotta tell you Clare, though my experience with men in hot tubs is lacking, I’m pretty sure that the best time to tell him something important about you is not when you are rubbing your hands all over his back. Just a thought. Anyway, she tells JPabs how much she can’t find the right guy to replace her dad, blah blah. She also uses the first “location/love” metaphor of the season, telling him how after her dad died, she turned into an “ice queen.” Ooooh. Well done. JPabs is understanding, in fact, so understanding that he doesn’t say anything. But, she gets the rose anyway. “Come in here!” Clare demands, and with rose in hand, she throws herself at him, tells him he “tastes like snow” (so..bland and woody?) and the make out scene that follows is pretty uncomfortable. Then they are treated to a snow-side concert from Josh Krajcik, and there is more uncomfortable making out, this time with Clare pressed up against Juan Pablo like she’s fondant in a pasta press, and he’s dropping a beat on her butt. We are right on schedule. 

The next day, we get another one-on-one date, this time with Kat! “Feel the electricity!” reads the date card. A few minutes later, she and JPabs pull up to an airport. Yes! Private jet time! Once again, Kat forgets where she is and who really planned the date and says, “I can totally see myself being with someone who plans surprises like this!” and that she’s “dreaming of jet-setting with her Latin lover.” Go home with the producer, Kat. But, it’s really sweet that you think JPabs can afford that.

JPabs dresses Kat in a neon running outfit, and they appear to head out to some sort of rave. I hope JPab remembered the Molly! But alas, it is not a rave, but the start of an electric 5K in Salt Lake City, UT! Let me just say that if anyone, ANYONE, took me on a date to run a 5K, I’d straight up cut them. But, this is the Bachelor, so what’s more romantic than working on your fitness together!? Besides, I’m sure they each need to find out whether or not the other is in good enough shape to be seen in public. “This is the perfect date for me and for Kat!” says JPabs, which I took to mean that he didn’t want to hear her speak at all, because the house music being played during the 5K was ridonnnnkulously loud. All the better to see that body move and not be distracted by words. Amiright!? He must have decided that she passed whatever test this was, because Kat gets the rose!

We then pick up later in the week, where Chelsie, Renee, Chantel, Boobs McGee, Kelly, Andi, Victoria, Lauren S, Elise, Alli, Nikki, and Cassandra will be participating in the group date. Kelly is confused about the date card, which says “Say Cheese!” “Maybe it’s a photo shoot, but it could just be eating cheese. I’m good at both, so…” were her actual words. Oh, please be the latter. “This might turn into a horror show,” says Victoria, right before Lucy flashes the camera again. That censor bar is having the best week ever.

When we arrive at the location, JPabs and the girls shimmy into a warehouse, which is set up for a photo shoot! A rack of very tiny bikinis floats by, and we find out that today, JPabs and the girls will be posing with rescue dogs for Models and Mutts, which raises money and awareness for dog rescues.

Lucy gets a very modest fire hydrant costume, which she is, understandably, unhappy with. But fortunately Elise is uncomfortable with her assigned nude photo shoot, and Lucy is more than willing to switch with her! How convenient. Props to Elise though, who doesn’t think it’s a good idea to pose nude when she’s a first grade teacher. Too bad she didn’t use that same logic when deciding to become a contestant on this program, but whatever. It’s sort of growth, right? In the meantime, Andi is also uncomfortable with being asked to pose nude, but good news! JPabs is going to take one for the team and get naked too! He tells her not to panic, because obviously, he wants to see her naked. But he manages to make it sound sort of classy. I don’t believe for a second that he was actually naked. There’s no way the producers would just let him give that away for free.

After the shoot, we reconvene on the rooftop pool, where the animals will hunt their prey. Cassandra gets her one-on-one first, and she breaks the news to JPabs that she has a son, who takes it gracefully. Renee is next, and the two bond over their parenting, while Renee attempts to get JPabs to kiss her, but with no luck. In the meantime, Victoria has taken the producers’ bait and has made her way through several glasses of wine. Nikki tells her that she probably needs to tone it down with the alcohol, but Victoria insists that she can’t be hammered, “she just got there!” “This is how I am sober! I’m just fun sober!” she drawls. Her confessional is pretty much golden, and she declares that if she emerges the “winner” she will be “straddling Juan Pablo like errrrrrry dayyyyy” because that’s what life is about, straddling people and things (her words). She also introduces us to a new life-saving technique, “the hymen maneuver” which she apparently performed on Juan Pablo at the photo shoot (LOL). Eventually, she interrupts Nikki’s one-on-one time with Juan Pablo by walking up and down in front of them. That’ll show ‘em! Victoria ends up in the bathroom, weeping on the floor while Renee attempts to comfort her. But her efforts are fruitless, and Victoria declares that she’s “DONE! GOING HOME!” and that she “JUST CAN’T DEAL WITH THE F***ING GIRLS ANYMORE!” She doesn’t even wait for the producers to call her the reject van, and tries to run off without shoes. After a producer stops her from jumping into oncoming traffic, she makes her way back to the bathroom floor, where she screams, “JUAN PABLO! I HOPE HE DIEEEEEEEEEEEES!” Yikes. After all of this, JPabs still has a rose to give out, and the rose goes to …. Kelly! Because the “best sport she was.” Thanks, Yoda.

The next day, JPabs visits Victoria at a second location, where he very gracefully tells her to get lost. Bye, Victoria! With all of this, I’m not even sure I can handle a cocktail party right now.

Not a whole lot of action to report from the cocktail party, except that Sharleen apologizes for being an ungrateful biotch last week with the first impression rose. Good save, Sharleen.  Or rather, producers. And, getting roses tonight are . . Cassandra, Nikki, Andi, Elise, Sharleen, Renee, Danielle, Boobs McGee, Allison, Chelsie, Lauren, and Christine! Saying goodbye tonight are Chantel and Weather Girl Amy. So long, boring people!

Well, that’s week two, Rose Enthusiasts! What a roller-coaster! See you next week!

I'm no Oscar Wilde

Ahem. Some short dialogues recapping tonight's events on Downton Abbey.

Lady Mary and Lord "Hottie" Gillingham:

Lord Gillingham: Do you remember me?
Mary: I spilled ice cream on myself at your house once.
Lord Gillingham: Nice. So, even though everyone knows your husband died, are you married?
Mary: R U Serious?
Lord G: Sorry. I’m tactless. But you’re pretty good looking. Also, I might have a fiance. But the arrangement is flexible.
- LATER THAT NIGHT -
Lord G: Let’s go riding. On horses I mean.
Lady Mary: I guess. It’s time I got back in the saddle. Surely I’ll be stiff tomorrow. From the horse riding.
- THEY GO RIDING -
Lord G: Get over Matthew and date me already.
Lady M: Now that Matthew's dead, I'm back to being pretty much a total biotch. Give me time to enjoy that, please.
Lord G: That guy was so lucky.
Lord G: You should stand up to your father, you know.
Lady M: Thanks for your support.
Lord G: I mean, I think you’re super hot, so really, whatever is going to help me get into your petticoats.
- AFTER DINNER -
Lord G: Let’s dance.
- INSERT MATTHEW'S GRAMOPHONE, HARBINGER OF MEMORIES -
Lady M: No thanks.
- THE NEXT DAY -
Lord G: Let’s go out next time we’re in London.
Lady M: Don’t you have a girlfriend? I don’t think so, but thanks for the ego-boost, peasant.


 Lady Edith and Michael "I look like a Keebler Elf" Gregson:

Gregson: I am learning German.
Edith: I am so freaking impressed.
Gregson: I know. Joining up with eventual Nazis is so romantic.

Lord Grantham and the men lose money to Lord Gillingham's shady friend:

Sampson: Let’s play cards, suckers

Everyone else: Great idea.

Gillingham: Don’t let him cheat you.

Lord Grantham: Even though I have proven to be completely financially irresponsible by bankrupting Downton not once, but TWICE, I think I’ll do ok.

Sampson: I'll steal all the moneys! I am such a lucky card shark. 

Everyone else: Interestingly, the rest of us are really out the cash.

Sampson: You may win it all back before it’s over, even though I am so clearly up to no good I can’t believe you haven’t caught on.

 - THE NEXT NIGHT - 

Gregson: We playing cards again tonight?

Sampson: Seriously? What luck! Of course.

Gregson: Sweet. See you later!

Sampson: Hopefully during the singing. Amiright!?

Gregson: Don't worry, I'll be stealing all of your money back so I can finally sleep with Edith. 

And finally, Branson and Edna "I'm even creepier than O'Brien" Braithwaite:

Edna: Love your white tie.

Tom: Yeah. It sucks.

Edna: Remember when I tried to seduce you? Don’t let it stop you from being friends with me. Want to do lunch?

Tom: I wish you the best.

Edna: Not as much as you will.

-LATER THAT NIGHT-

Edna: How was the dance?

Tom: Dreadful.

Edna: Thank goodness. If it wasn’t, there’s no way you’d ever sleep with me again.

-ANOTHER AWKWARD SOCIAL ENGAGEMENT LATER-

Edna: Here’s some booze.

Tom: Thanks.

Edna: You looked desperate.

Tom: You totally get me. I am so lonely.

Edna: Excellent news. Keep drinking.

Tom: Thanks for the advice. Night night.

Edna: I'll be up to take advantage of your vulnerability later. 

S@#% the Dowager Countess Said: 

"We can't all be Oscar Wilde" "Thank Goodness" - on Branson's social awkwardness

“If I were to search for logic, I would not do it among the English upper class” - on social customs

“Guilt has never played a major part in my life” - on Isobel's reluctance to enjoy life after Matthew's death.

There were some other developments in this episode, like poor Anna getting attacked by the completely horrible Mr. Green (Lord Gillingham's valet), and some continued tension with the Alfred/Ivy/Daisy/Jimmy quadrangle, but for the most part, that pretty much hits the high points. Until next Sunday!