A Dramatic Conclusion

Welcome, Rose Enthusiasts to what is sure to be a very long three hours of television! It is the night we have all been waiting for - THE FINALE! After avoiding spoilers for months and months and months, I would like to shame thank my #1 Fan, Rylee Nutall, for spoiling the ending for me on Saturday. Thanks, Rylee! But, that's not going to stop me from walking you through the end of this train wreck. It's the least we can do after all of this time wasted together, right?

We pick up Chris's journey back in Arlington, IA, where Chris is trekking through some winter snow in an impeccably tailored pea coat using words like "unsure," "on the fence," and "50/50" to describe his current state of mind. This sounds like a man prepped for wedlock, amiright??? There's nothing more flattering than knowing that you are the lesser of two evils when having a husband choose you!



Before we get to the final dates though, Chris sits down with his family for the first time and is still a little wishy-washy when his mom asks him if he's in love. After all, it is difficult to say you're in love when you are falling in love with two different people.

"We love Whitney!" - Chris's family

In what is a wise move on the part of the producers, the final date does not take place in Arlington, but in larger city Dubuque, and this is where we find Whitney, who is planning on telling Chris's family how much she is in love with Chris in order to guarantee their approval. When Chris's family finds out that Whitney and Chris made a baby in a lab on their hometown date, she is declared the winner! Apparently fertility is highly regarded in the Soules family.

Whitney has some alone time with the sisters, she wastes no time winning them over (picture a family floating in the air with drool coming out of their mouths at everything she says), but when the sisters sit down with Chris afterward, rather than affirming how much he enjoys Whitney, he gushes to them about how much he likes Becca. Ouch!

When Becca meets the Soules clan, the reception isn't as warm as was with Whitney. I know that we are supposed to think that Becca is awful for wanting to be sure about whether or not she's actually in love with Chris before she says she loves him or that she wants to you know, be engaged and stuff before she packs her things and moves to a midwestern wasteland, but really is that so bad? You have known this guy for six weeks, you have spent a total of what, maybe 24 hours together total in that time, and you are supposed to know that you are getting married? I am certainly not faulting Becca for being a little reserved. The sisters, on the other hand, give Chris some straight talk about Becca's reservations. Chris tells them that he didn't want to give up on Becca because he wants to sleep with her still. JK! He didn't say that, but we know that's what he meant when he said that there were a few things about Becca he still wanted to explore!

"Why me??"

The last chance dates are also taking place in Dubuque, and they could not have been more different. Since Whitney won the coin toss and got to meet the parents first, Becca gets to lead off here. The two of them head straight into a hotel room (are the producers still hoping that Becca loses her virginity on national television??) Basically, Becca feels bad that she isn't all the way in love with Chris, and Chris wants to find out what is standing in the way of Becca deciding whether or not she is ready to be with him. No conclusion is reached, and Becca isn't able to resolve any of her misgivings, and you can pretty much see in Chris's face that it's over. That and that he cannot believe that he kept her around because he could maybe sleep with her. The date ends with crying, an awkward kiss goodnight, and Chris rubbing his eyes in frustration.

"800 Acres!? That's at least
eight square meals a day!"

When it's Whitney's turn for her last chance, Chris takes her to . . . harvest corn? Seriously? That's what they're doing for this date? Did the producers use the entire budget for Bachelor in Paradise that we normally would take for these dates? I mean, there is not a boat to jump off of in sight! Anyway, Chris and Whitney ride together in a huge farm implement and watch it gather corn to be taken back to the farm and dried and Whitney is touched. "I mean, just that he chose me to see this today, that's just, really special, you know?" No, Whitney, I don't know. Attention potential gentlemen callers! There will be no dates involving corn harvesting or shucking! Thank you. Then again, when Chris tells us "everything the light touches, is my kingdom!" ( or at least 800 acres of it is anyway) even Ichabod Crane is ready to sign up, so can we blame Whitney for drooling in anticipation of being Queen of Pride Rock? Not really. This date ends much better than Becca's date, with Whitney again declaring how ready she is to be all in and blah blah, so is there really any question who Chris is going to choose?

"Last chance to see these 'abs'"

I know you were worried, friends, but we got one last shirtless pic of Chris on the day of the final rose ceremony. Thank you, producers. I was really missing the outdoor shower. But before we can get to the end of the road, it's time to visit with Neil Lane! Nice to see you, Neil! Chris picks out the obligatory skating rink (exactly how practical is a 3-carat on a farm?) and sends Neil on his way.

It's the moment we have all been waiting for! "Let's find out together!" says Chris Harrison. I'm sorry, don't you already know who won? Weren't you there? Chris is waiting with the limo, and first out is . . . . Becca, wearing Morticia Addams's shroud dyed crimson. Yiiiiiikes. Poor choice, poor choice. But, we have bigger things to worry about than her dress, because as we know, first out of the limo means you are on the Alone Train to Alonesville, making stops at Ex-Girlfriend Junction and West Breaking Up With You! The producers must know it too, because they don't even make Becca speak first, giving the typical "hail Mary" speech. Chris basically tells her that he would have picked her, but "she's just not ready" and, maybe for the first time in Bachelor history, Becca looks nothing short of relieved. She continues with her flat affect in the limo, intoning boring syllables about her boring choice and how boring she is and how boring this episode has been. Enjoy your fringe medical career, Becca!

All that is left to do is to get Whitney out there and put that ring on it! Whitney comes up and is visibly shaking as she waits, telling Chris, "I love you and I am so scared right now!" You needn't be afraid, toots, because Chris is ready to pack it up and move with you to the farm! After a few minutes, Chris is down on one knee asking Whitney to marry him, and it takes her a hot second to say, "OMG YESSSSSSSSSSS!" And thus ends this season's journey.


Now that that's out of the way, here is a more important dilemma: BRITT or KAITLYN? That's right, everyone, the potential Bachelors are going to choose who gets to be the Bachelorette when the show returns in May! I don't know how I feel about that. Honestly, it would probably be more interesting to watch one of them get eaten by a bear and the other gets to be the Bachelorette, but as that seems unlikely to occur, I'll take what I can get.

It has been a pleasure recapping this season for you, and you can bet I'll be back for more debauchery and crushed dreams come May! Kisses!