Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

Buonasera, Rose Enthusiasts! This week's episode of the Bachelorette is brought to you from Venice, Italy aka the "Most Romantic City in the World!™" I suppose that sending our merry crew to Venice makes sense, as it is known for throwing ragers for Carnival, and people wear masks so they can participate in debauchery and no one can know who they are. Much like everyone on this program. 

We open with the guys taking a nice boat ride around Venice, where Grumpy-Pants Nick confides to the camera that he hopes the week in Italy will be better than the week in France, where he "sucked on the last group date." Cody is hoping this is his week for a one-on-one since he's the only one left who hasn't had one. Well, Kewpie, I hope that you get a one-on-one, because if not, you're totally going home. 

"Where's my one-on-one??"
- Cody

After disembarking the boat, the guys meet up with Andi, who says - SURPRISE! - the first one-on-one date starts right now! Everyone is expecting Cody to be on this date since he hasn't had one, but today's one-on-one is going to be with .... Nick! Win one for Grumpy-Pants. Andi basically says she doesn't care if the guys aren't happy she picked Nick, but that she needs to make sure Nick isn't a huge jerkface before sending him on to next week. 

"Why wasn't I on this date?" - Bert

While Nick and Andi are walking around Venice, they are marveling about how there isn't just one romantic square or one romantic church or one romantic pigeon! The whole place is romantic! Andi is finding it difficult not to get swept up in the romance of Venice, but she must press on, because there is business that needs to be discussed with Nick about his behavior in the house, his behavior on the last group date, his interactions with the guys, etc. Detective Dorfman is on the case! Nick sort of apologizes for his cranky behavior last week, and says he's going to do better, but Andi (and me too) remains skeptical.

Later in the evening, Andi emerges from the shadows (what is this - Dick Tracy?) wearing a gold lamé evening gown. Nick is hoping that during dinner the opportunity presents itself to tell Andi that he's falling in love with her (too soon, buddy!). During dinner, Andi's all, "Don't think I brought you here because I like you, I brought you here because you were a rampant douche bag last week, and I need to figure this shiz out before you get to come with us next week!" Nick attempts to defend himself, saying that his feelings were "hurt" when Cody said that he was "overconfident" about his standing with Andi (um, no one made you openly declare yourself the front runner!), and when Andi straight up asks him if he thinks he's the front runner, he says, "I don't like that word..." (So clearly, you do.) Choosing his words very carefully, he tells Andi that he is "fortunate and grateful" to have the connection they share, and that he "cannot imagine" someone else having the same connection with her. Good save? Yup. "I can confidently say that I am definitely falling in love..." he whispers, and Andi is all over it. Rose, meet lapel. 

Group date card! If Cody is on the card, he is totally going to throw himself in front of a train. Going on this week's group date are: Josh, Marcus, JJ, Dylan, Brian, and Chris! Whew. Cody is going on a one-on-one. Crisis averted.

Before we get on with the group date, however, we check back in with Andi, who has received another note from her secret admirer! Who is it? We have no idea, but I imagine that the secret will be coming out, because today's group date involves a lie detector test! I can't believe there have been this many seasons of the show without having one, and I am pumped! The guys, however, look less than pleased about this development, and rightfully so. "How accurate are these things?" wonders Josh. Chris is also concerned because he has a secret he wants to tell Andi, but he didn't think it would come out during the lie detector test! Ooooh. Wonder what it is?

Most of the "confessions" during the lie detector test were pretty boring (Josh cheated on a test, Marcus likes brunettes, etc.) except that Dylan has slept with over 20 women. Um. Gross. He also doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom. Still not as gross as the first. The lie detector test proves to be too much for Dylan, who decides to bow out of the date early due to a "stomach issue" (fecal borne illness is the worst), or as it is more likely, so he doesn't have to be confronted by his outrageous amount of sexual conquests on national television.

Chris does not have any
troglodytic relatives. 

Chris's big secret is...he's Andi's secret admirer! Booooo. Boring! I was hoping that he had a troglodytic half-brother or something. Disappointment waits for no one, however, and the results of the test are in! According to our experts, three of the guys told zero lies, one told two lies, and two men lied THREE times. Yikes. But before we can let the drama really heat up by finding out who exactly lied about what and with whom, Andi decides to rip up the guys' results in the name of "authenticity" because "she trusts them." I'm with you, girl. Ignorance is bliss. But, for the record, Andi's test results showed that she doesn't believe all of the guys are there for the Right Reasons™, so at least she's not completely obtuse. 

At the cocktail party, Brian takes charge first, and administers a makeshift "lie detector" test with her hand on his heart (Cute? I can't decide). The only question that matters in his line of questioning is the last one, which was, "Do you want to make out?" "You're lying!" he giggles when she says no. So they make out, which is pretty much all we have seen these two do. 

When Marcus sits down with Andi, he tells her that he wanted to leave before he went on his one-on-one and finishes by telling Andi that he's in love with her. Again. Tone it down, Marcus! Josh continues to complain about the lie detector test during his one-on-one time, which I do NOT understand. Why exactly is he b****ing so much about having to -GASP- tell the truth? Obviously, he is hiding something (unless it's that he's a bit of a lummox, in which case, that's not a secret) Calm it down, man. The date rose goes to Chris, who finally cops to being the secret admirer. Andi loved it. 

After the rose is given out, JJ hops aboard the sour grapes train and whines about how he is "sick" of everyone else getting roses. Well, JJ, everyone else isn't wearing ridiculous pants and don't have faces like clowns. Of course they're getting roses. Chris is not going to let JJ ruin his moment of victory, and declares "Sit there and be sour grapes. I could give a f--- less, buddy... Your f---ing true colors will shine throughout this whole process, and people will see that." Daaaaaaaang. Who knew Chris could bust it out like that? Chris - 1 JJ - 0

Bye, Cody! 

It's time for Cody's date, and I'm sure it was no accident that he got put on this one, and not because of a good reason. Listen, we all know Cody is NOT going to win. So why keep him around? So that they could make his exit as awkward as possible.

But, because Cody has the apparent brain power of the doll he looks so much like (Ken or a Kewpie. Take your pick), he has no idea that he is going to be put up to something waaaaaaay outside his comfort zone: Writing. Everyone should know right there that this cannot be going anywhere good. The date is taking place at Club de Guilette, where real people send letters asking for love advice from the Shakespeare character. Let's pause for a moment of silence for anyone desperate enough to write a letter in earnest to such a place. *pause* Moving on. Andi and Cody write back to a fellow named "Jason," giving him sound advice like "be yourself" and such. Andi tries to muster enthusiasm, but it couldn't be more obvious that she is just not feeling Cody. 

Cody, on the other hand, has no idea. He remains enthusiastic throughout dinner (where he is wearing a deep V-neck shirt? Seriously? This is the Bachelorette, not some "Sun's Out, Guns Out" spring break program), even reading Andi a love letter professing his feelings for her. It's beyond uncomfortable. While he reads, Andi begins crying tears of "It's finally time to send someone home on a date" and weeps, "I can't keep you around until next week. It's not fair!" effectively breaking the bad news. The mystery luggage people come get Cody's luggage, and it's ciao to our personal trainer who never should have made it this far. I hope someone somewhere appreciates your strange tuft of hair and newly waxed chest, because you seem sort of nice, even if you're a little dim-witted. 

Nick takes the reins at the cocktail party, pulling Andi aside to immediately swap saliva. "That's a man!" Andi gushes to the camera, clearly into it. The rest of the guys hurry to catch up. Josh offers a forced apology for being so upset about the lie detector date, JJ aims straight for the make out, Brian reads a poem, Marcus drops the l-bomb again, Dylan continues to get away with being a man-whore with poop hands. 

When the roses are handed out, they are pinned on Dylan (ewww), Marcus, Josh, and Brian, leaving poor JJ alone and rose-less. Like I said, there was no way he was going to win, so this shouldn't be a surprise. Andi tells him that they are just "not on the same page" (read: the other guys are so much hotter than you, and you're kind of a goof), and JJ is off in the Limo of Shame. 

Long week, Rose Enthusiasts, but I am looking forward to this "journey" coming to a close here in the next few weeks. Until then, I'm going to figure out how to hitchhike back to Italy. Ciao! 

French [Milque]toast - Bachelorette Recap!

Welcome back, Rose Enthusiasts! Not going to lie, I totally enjoyed last week's Hillary-induced break from this craziness. But, alas, not all reprieves can last forever, and we have roses to hand out and hearts to break! So let's get to it.

This week's stop on the tour is Marseille, France, which, according to Andi is, "the perfect place to fall in love." Um, I hate to break it to you, sweetheart, but a vacant lot could be the perfect place to fall in love as long as you have enough ABC-purchased booze and some candles.

"I want my skirt back"
- A California Raisin 

First up, we have a pre-date interview with our fearless host, Chris Harrison, who comes right out and asks Andi if she is falling in love with any of the guys. Andi's reply? "Staaaahp!" Like he was supposed to ask her about her visit to the Suave Professionals Salon? Please. On a similar note, anyone seen this work of brilliance? Also, what in the actual heck was up with Andi's skirt? Not a good look for anybody.

 It's the usual schedule this week, two one-on-one dates and a group date. Of course, the first one-on-one is going to Josh, who I am surprised hadn't gotten a date sooner. Maybe there wasn't one mind-numbing enough to put him on yet? The date card arrives and it is all in French, which I can only assume means that, roughly translated, it says, "Who cares? Let's make out!" since that's what all of the dates have been devolving into. 

When this Boy Girl Meets World?

There are only a few things that are guaranteed to turn me into a puddle of crying mush, and they are, in no particular order:

1) Any and all of Stepmom, starring Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon. 

2) The episode of Adventures in Odyssey when Eugene becomes a Christian (don't judge, it was really significant when I was 12). 

3) When Dobby dies in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Or really, just all of reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. 

4) The end of White Christmas. 

5) "For Good."

All of these things are very sad, but there has not been a moment in pop culture history that continues to KILL me as this does, every time I catch a dang rerun of it. 

Make Mine Music (Stop!) - Bachelorette Week 3!

Greetings Rose Enthusiasts! I have returned from my excursion on the East Coast visiting the prodigal John and just in time for the two-night Bachelorette extravaganza! 

Rather than take the time to recap all of last week (which I subjected my family to while on vacation - sorry not sorry, guys), I'll just highlight a couple of thoughts. 

1) What in the actual heck is Bachelor Gives Back actually giving back to? For all of the talk that the stripping was for charity, I would love to actually know that they raised money (what looked like a good $20) for an actual charity and not something like, I dunno, STD screenings for the contestants or penis pumps for the elderly. Or really, was it not enough just to have them stripping? Did they have to attach a moral to it? I like my reality shows completely devoid of life-checking moments, thank you very much. 

2) As much as it pains me not to have recapped Craig's drunken soujourn into the pool, I think my grandpa summed it up nicely when he said, "Craig has shown his true colors. If [Andi] gives him a rose, she's an a--hole." Hear, hear, Grandpa. And she didn't pick him, so I guess, for now, Andi gets a pass (at least in the 80+ Italian men demographic). 

Looking for the right Juan One?

Welcome back, Rose Enthusiasts! It’s that time of year again, where we get to indulge every inherent tendency towards schadenfreude! That’s right, it’s time to obtain pleasure watching the misfortune of others on the humiliation-laced juggernaut otherwise known as THE BACHELORETTE!

This season, we are treated to a new heroine, Andi Dorfman, who showed us the true meaning of girl power when she kicked Juan Pablo’s self-absorbed behind to the curb after a fantasy suite date gone wrong during last season. She is a former assistant district attorney, and all around BA. Or at least that’s what her intro package would like us to think anyway. Since eliminating herself from the show, she has ditched her gross ombre highlights and is on the hunt for love. Or a bunch of free evening gowns. You know, whatever lasts longer. 

Some Highlights/Questions/Observations From the Premiere:

Run, Nikki, Run!

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I am not a fan of Clare's, but I think we can agree that she dodged a bullet, yeah?

Before we discuss the chafing on a hot day level uncomfortable epic conclusion of this "adventura," let's recap a few highlights of the extraordinarily bloated finale.

1) Juan Pablo's family struggling to speak English on camera. It could not have been more obvious that they do not usually do so, and it was a little painful. Also, how terrible do you feel if you are Juan Pablo's brother, who is clearly not as good looking as JPabs or his sister? Yikes.

Danger, Will Robinson! 

2) Juan Pablo's mom was clearly not feeling it when Nikki and Clare were declaring their feelings for her son. First, she tells Clare that he's basically rude and to watch herself, and then she tells Nikki that JPabs is a glorified (and broke) bum, but she thinks that she's "strong enough" to put up with his shenanigans. Even his mother wants these girls to get the H out of there. How many more signs do these fools need?? Does Kim Jong Un need to step out with the red flag, or would the USC Colorguard do? 

3) The whole deal with Juan Pablo's "insensitive" comments to Clare ... well, I think I'd rather perform a rectal exam on my cat than watch that conversation again. Apparently, during Clare and JPabs's final date, there was, for some reason, a moment during the landing where the cameras and mics were not on, and JPabs took that moment to, shall we say, talk dirty to Clare (think something that rhymes with, "I can't wait to pluck your flower again!") For some inexplicable reason, Clare chooses until after the date when they are hanging out in her hotel room to confront him about this, and Juan Pablo says things that are so completely absurd that I couldn't believe she didn't leave right then and there. As usual, he chats/kisses his way out of it, and even goes so far as to blame Clare for their physical connection, harkening back to her being the one to break the no kissing rule way back in Korea. I have to admit, watching Clare give up and slink her way back into his arms and talk to him about "getting married" and "their kids" and whatever was a little too awful even for me to watch. 

4) So. How awkward was that moment after JPabs read Nikki's letter that ended with her telling him that she loved him and watching him say absolutely nothing in return? Should have consulted your Olivia Pope gut, Nikki, because JPabs is clearly just not into you enough to say anything more than "thank you" to your declaration. But, on the upside, at least he didn't tell you that he loved plucking flowers with you. Nikki ends the date in tears. 

At the end of the two dates, we were left in suspense about whether or not JPabs was even going to choose one of them - my family viewing party certainly hoped that was the case - but alas, there was a "decision" made at the end. Before we get to that though, we had to say goodbye to Clare.

When Clare approached the platform, she, for some unknown reason, launches into a speech about how much she "believes in them" as a couple, and "loves him" and blah blah. I'm not sure if she started that on her own, or the producers were feeling particularly sadistic and told her to talk first, but yeeeesh. It was painful. Then, JPabs finally opens his mouth and tells her that he "wishes the Earth would suck him up" (you, and every sane person in America, pal) because it is "time to say goodbye." Clare stares dumbfounded at him, rebuffs his goodbye hug, and immediately launches into a pretty good speech, wondering why he bothered to let her talk about marriage and kids and the future when he knew that he didn't know her, and ending with "I am SO glad my kids aren't going to have a father like you!" Juan Pablo looks around at the cameramen, seemingly unjarred, saying, "Whoo! I'm glad I didn't pick her!" Yeah, JPabs. I'm sure you are glad that you didn't end up with someone who would DARE call you out on your douchebaggery.

Speaking of someone unwilling to pick up the phone and call shenanigans, it's time for Nikki to get her "prize!" She too speaks first, spewing some truly unremarkable copy. When JPabs gets ready to tell her the news, he says everything EXCEPT that he loves her (even though she has said it to him), and says that even though he has a ring in his pocket, he isn't going to use it. He likes her ("a lot, A LOT"), but not enough to propose (which, in real life, this is totally reasonable - it just happens to come off douchey in this situation). In turn, Nikki looks about as thunderstruck as a small child who has just been told Santa isn't coming this year. Despite this, she accepts his final rose. Ugh. Nikki. Gross. And, right on cue, Juan Pablo says to her as the camera is panning away, "Don't get cranky now!" Oh no. No one would ever dream of getting cranky at such a romantic gesture and open sharing of feelings. 

On that happy note, we got to After the Final Rose, where the audience was raring and raging, and so was Chris Harrison. Honestly, I have never seen Harrison be so openly frustrated and hostile with a lead EVER.

First, Clare is invited into the hot seat, where she marvels at how she managed to be sucked in to JPabs's BS. A part of me wants to feel bad for her, but honestly, Clare. You didn't HAVE to have sex with the guy. Getting BS'ed by him is one thing - this is reality television and maybe you have self-esteem issues - but as far as I know, there is no such thing as "accidental intercourse." So, I'm glad you saw the light, but really? You sort of had it coming.

After Clare leaves the stage, JPabs is welcomed (?) to the couch to attempt to defend himself. Or, as it happens, be a maddening, bullheaded doofus who will not even dream of admitting that maybe he behaved badly. "It is what it is!" he declares, as Chris Harrison does all but pick his jaw up off the floor at how terrible this interview is going. I completely appreciated that, far from concealing his dislike for the guy, Harrison was basically completely stupefied along with the rest of us at just how great a jerk he is.

"They're so in love!" said no one. 

When Nikki comes out, Harrison seems determined to rescue her from Juan Pablo's clutches, but Nikki isn't having it. She insists that it isn' t a problem for her that JPabs won't tell her he loves her and says that their relationship is "real to them." No one is convinced. Also, there was apparently a monetary offer on the table (according to Reality Steve) for JPabs to propose to Nikki during the show, but he insists that the "surprise" he promised the producers doesn't exist, and announces that they are "DONE! Done with the show!" Well, you both are seemingly pretty unappreciative, so maybe you deserve each other?

Finally, Harrison snaps us all back to reality with a "Not gonna lie - I'm glad to be moving on!" and announces that ANDI will be the next Bachelorette! Pretty solid choice, I think. Until May, when the blog resumes for another several weeks of debauchery, I'll be trying to figure out what show to recap next. Suggestions?

Thanks to everyone who has read (sometimes in horror) along with me this season! See you May 19!

Las Mujeres Digan Todos!

Good news and bad news, Rose Enthusiasts! The good news? Only one more week left of this suck-fest. The bad news? We still have to watch another week of this suck-fest.  Thankfully, tonight we will be catching up with the only people who have been sort of interesting this season, the women! Incidentally, if I were these “ladies” I would be pretty unhappy if I went through the entire casting process, got my hopes up, and then ended up with the sleaziest, most illiterate Bachelor since Jake Pavelka. But, I guess we’ll see how they really feel when the women tell all!

First, Sean and Catherine came out. Nice to see them! Nice that they are doing well! Nice to move on from this segment!

Time for the action! Tonight, we will be catching up with quite the cast of characters, including Boobs McGee, Kelly and pooch-friend Molly, nameless women of color, Kylie “I thought he called my name,” Lauren “Pug Face” H., and some of the other girls who stuck around longer like Kat, Chelsie, Renee, Sharleen, and our new heroine, Andi.

The general consensus from the women during the first segment is that although Juan Pablo is hot, a rockin’ body does not cover a multitude of douchiness. “Most of the conversations were surface level,” said Danielle. Renee defends Juan Pablo, telling Harrison that she had a “different experience” with JPabs, because they were able to talk about their kids. Alli isn’t having that though, and tells the audience that Renee complained about only talking about their kids in the house. Kelly also calls out a few of the women who are jumping on the “JPabs is a toolbag” train, saying that they didn’t react that way when they were in the house. Andi brings the segment full circle, saying that she just thinks JP was there to find a girlfriend, not a wife (Duhhhhhhhhhhh).

General consensus: the girls really don’t like Juan Pablo. I mean, except Renee, who clearly isn’t ready to jump on the train. She continues to defend JP, saying that she doesn’t think it’s a problem that JPabs chose not to kiss her for so long, and also saying that she wants her son, Ben, to “see love” and that she would be ok with him watching her kiss a stranger on television. Well, Renee, unless you want Ben to grow up to be Wilt Chaimberlain, I don’t think you want him witnessing the type of “love” Mike Fleiss is in the business of. Oceangate comes up, and it is revealed that Andi and Kelly (Clare’s roommates) didn’t even know about Clare sneaking off into the ocean! The girls are clearly not on board with JPab’s excuses regarding the ocean situation, with Sharleen calling his later regrets “buyer’s remorse" and Kelly quipping, "he didn't say Cameeela when he was in the ocean!" LOL. The girls don’t bad mouth Clare though, and say they wish they would have thought of sneaking off to be with him like that.

Time to interview Sharleen! I am definitely interested in what she has to say, because it’s pretty obvious to everyone that she stuck around only for the “action” she was getting. She doesn’t give any dirt we didn’t already know, but basically, she doesn’t regret leaving, she still thinks JPabs is a good kisser, and she doesn’t regret her necessity for a “cerebral” connection. In short, she was as boring as she was on the show. Next!

Renee is up next, and she also has nothing really bad to say about Juan Pablo. Come on, people! JPabs is so gross! Say so! The closest thing to trash-talking she does comes in her tone of voice in referring to the incident when JPabs declared he wasn’t kissing other girls and then made out with Clare 30 seconds later. Oh, and she may have a boyfriend? Or maybe she’s the Bachelorette? Either way, she’s in a “good situation.”

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for! Andi has been invited into the hot seat to tell us how she really feels. She says, “I think Juan Pablo thinks he was a really great Bachelor,” and follows it up with a smirk. She also says that the things that Juan Pablo said about her made her feel “cheap.” Along with the rest of us, Andi does NOT think that Juan Pablo understood what she was talking about, and even though she didn’t say that is as dense as a claw hammer, she may have implied it.

Whew! One more commercial break, and then, Juan Pablo gets his opportunity to “defend” his “choices.”

Juan Pablo enters, and he is unnecessarily optimistic about his chances. Maybe he hasn’t been listening to the “We hate Juan Pablo” chorus that has been taking place for the last 63 minutes, but he is confident that he can emerge from this experience with some friends after they are all “regular people” again. Yeah. Sure. Good luck. Harrison asks him whether or not he regrets any of his choices or things that he said, and in what is maybe a surprise to deaf/mutes, but not the rest of the world, he is not, declaring that he would rather be “unappreciated for his honesty” than not be honest at all. Excellent. I’ll make sure to use that one next time I am unnecessarily offensive. Juan Pablo then tries to decide whether or not he was there to kiss 27 women or merely help them take their nun vows, but I think we conclude that he was there to maybe kiss them all if he liked them?

Andi carries most of the conversation in the next segment, again telling everyone how just when you think Juan Pablo is the shallowest man in the world, he lets a little bit more out of the pool. Predictably, Juan Pablo says, “eeees ok. Fine” to the criticism. The last thing that gets brought up is the whole “gay is pervert” thing from the beginning of the season, and Victoria tells him to “stop using the ESL card as cop out.” You go, Victoria! When Harrison asks him to defend himself, he doesn’t say much that sounds great, but Sharleen, surprisingly, defends him.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that’s the women tell all for this year! See you next week for the finale that “we have never seen before!”