¡Bienvenidos a Miami,
Rose Enthusiasts! We have encircled the world and are now back in the good ‘ol
USA for yet another week of JPabs’s foray into the world of skanko-Roman
wrestling!
When Juan Pablo arrives
in Miami, the first thing he does is surprise (like the camera crew didn't give it away) Cameeeela and
take her swimming. Aww. How cute. Meanwhile, the “ladies” are deposited at the
hotel and are greeted with boxes bearing the standard-issue uniform – brand
spankin’ new bikinis! The producers must have been really offended by Andi’s one-piece last week (the first in
Bachelor history, you think?), because we aren’t going to be seeing that sucker
again!
Juan Pablo decides to
deliver the first date card without the help of the accent table of doom (miss
you, buddy!), and completely catches Sharleen off-guard when it is announced
that they are going on the date right then. Because Sharleen has clearly never
seen this program, she changes from her teeny shorts into a shapeless, wannabe
shroud and ponders her lack of a “cerebral” connection to Juan Pablo, a nice
way of saying that he’s a brainless git, but she likes the way his tongue feels
in her mouth. Well, Sharleen, if you’re waiting for Juan Pablo to be tops in
anything beginning with the Greek root “cere,” you might have better luck
waiting for something that might actually happen – like proving the existence
of the Loch Ness Monster.
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| What happens when Sharleen attempts to remove her mouth from Juan Pablo's. |
Anyway, the two take a
walk down by the ocean, and find Team Bachelor waiting on a yacht! After taking
a few selfies, sunning, and making out on a blanket, Juan Pablo and Sharleen
arrive on a private island, where they make out some more! They attempt to have
a conversation about whether or not Sharleen would give up her career as an
opera singer, but all she says about this is “change is good. I like change.”
Ok. Cool. Who needs to talk when we can make out in the water? And again on the
boat. Sharleen tells the camera that she is “disturbed” by how much she enjoys
kissing Juan Pablo, and that every time she attempts to have a conversation
with him, they just end up making out instead, which leaves her to wonder what
is “propelling this relationship forward” (besides the human sexual response
cycle?). When their lips manage to unglue themselves (cue the sound of a
plunger being drawn from a toilet), Sharleen tells Juan Pablo she wishes she
were a little “dumber,” and that it would make things much simpler, which is
perhaps the most honest thing anyone has ever said on this program. I’m not
sure Juan Pablo realizes that’s because he’s “simple,” but this is neither here
nor there. There are no roses on the one-on-one dates this week, so Sharleen is
able to end the date “torn.”
KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK (“Is
that the door?” says Andi. Oh, honey..) back at the hotel, and the date card
has arrived for Nikki! Rather than being super-stoked, all Nikki has to say is,
“Am I going to have to dance again?” Way to appreciate the experience, Nikki.
Why don’t you complain some more?
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| A decent impression of what JPab's baby mama looked like during the meeting. |
Thankfully for Nikki
(and the rest of us), the date does not involve Nikki dancing, but is a date to Cameeela’s dance recital! Before
they can go to the recital, however, they must construct a flower arrangement!
Nikki is flattered that Juan Pablo is taking her to meet his family (including
Cameeela’s mom, who looks like the gold-digging stepmom from Jungle 2 Jungle), and I don’t
necessarily blame her. The recital was very cute, Cameeela sang a solo, the
family meeting was fine, and Nikki is totally attracted to JPabs. I would
comment on the fact that introducing Cameeela to one of the women so soon shows
absolutely no judgment, but this is The
Bachelor. If people didn’t show poor judgment, the show wouldn’t exist.
After the recital, Nikki
and JPabs have dinner in the Marlins Stadium, but not before stopping off on
the field to play some catch (anyone else worried that Nikki was going to have
some sort of wardrobe malfunction? What was that top stuck to?). Nikki manages
to get more questions out on her date than Sharleen, and asks JPabs how
Cameeela’s mom feels about all of this. JPabs insists that she’s totally fine
with it (doubt it!), and that it’s important for Nikki to understand this in
case the “moon and the skies” tell them that they must be together. Glad you’re
using a technical process, JPabs. Nikki doesn’t seem to care about this though,
and considers the date a “home run.” And here I was beginning to think we
wouldn’t have any date-related metaphors, this week. Silly.
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| No chance. No way. Sharleen won't say it. |
I’m not sure when this
actually happened, since during the conversation Sharleen says that her date
with JPabs was the day before, and I doubt this happened right after Nikki’s
date, but in what is a surprise to no one, Sharleen comes downstairs and
announces to the girls that her hormones have calmed down long enough for her
to think rationally, and therefore, she is outta there! She goes down to
JPabs’s room to tell him in person, and says that she just doesn’t see herself
being at a place where she can get engaged to someone in the next three weeks.
Oh really? You mean this “process” isn’t one that develops lasting
relationships? JPabs takes it in stride, and tells her that she didn’t waste
his time, and blah blah. He even sheds a few tears in his confessional. Don’t
worry, Juan Pablo! You have five other sets of lips to take her place! And so,
we say goodbye to awkward Sharleen and her magic giraffe-tongue. Bon voyage
back to Germany, or wherever.
After all of this, we
still have a group date and a cat fight to enjoy! Going on the group date are
the leftovers, Chelsie, Renee, Clare, and Andi. There is a rose on this date,
and whoever receives it also receives a golden ticket to hometowns! JPabs and
the “ladies” jet back to Team Bachelor’s private island, and it is revealed
that whoever gets the rose will also get to go on a special “extended” date
with JPabs later that night! Oooooh. Tension!
Chelsie’s one-on-Juan is
first, and she brings out the big guns, showing JPabs a collection of letters
from her mom and dad, which includes some sound advice (to keep her clothes
on), and JPabs is into the fact that she has such a supportive family. Andi is
next, and she is less confident than Chelsie. She immediately starts crying
when they sit down on the beach, saying that she feels “super vulnerable” and
that she doesn’t usually “show a ton of emotions,” but that it’s scary to put
her family out there and not have any certainties. JPabs says he understands,
but that “everything is going to be ok.” Alright – at what point can he stop
telling these people that everything is going to be ok? Obviously, one of them
is being sent home before hometowns, so everything is NOT going to be
ok for someone. Get some new reassuring verbiage, JPabs.
Clare is up, and she and
JPabs talk again about her dad, and she tells JPabs about the DVD (referenced
on night one) he recorded for her future husband before he died. All I can say
is that if we don’t see this DVD (even though it would be a Gob Bluth level
mistake to show it), I am going to be pretty disappointed after all of this
teasing!
We don’t get to see
Renee’s one-on-Juan, so it must have been pretty boring. When it comes time for
JPabs to hand out the date rose, it goes to . . . Andi! Guess all that crying
worked! Clare is particularly upset about this, saying that she has just
been getting naked with people in the ocean putting herself out there, and
she has “literally been watching everyone else go on their dates.” She just
doesn’t get it. She just wants to “wrap this s___ up and go home!” (You and me
both, Clare).
It’s cat fight time!
When the remaining girls return from the date, we get to hear part of Clare’s
confessional, saying that while she got kicked off the date, the upside is that
she “gets to hang out with Nikki!” (statement drips with sarcasm) Nikki can
barely contain her joy when she hears about what went down on the date, and
comments on how Chelsie and Renee are taking the situation in stride, but Clare
is clearly unhappy. “I’m not checked out!” announces Clare. “But I’m not going
to sit here and be fake!” Nikki storms upstairs, and Clare has decided that
Nikki’s days as queen of the b---- castle are over! She follows Nikki upstairs,
and the following conversation takes place.
N: I didn’t like that
you were talking s--- [about Andi]
C: I wasn’t talking
s---. Who was talking s---?
N: You interrupted.
C: Who was talking s---?
N: You interrupted.
C: Who was talking s---?
N: I just thought it was
going that way, and I didn’t want to be a part of it.
C: But who was talking
s---?
Really articulate, these
two. This carries on for awhile, and finally, Nikki asks Clare to “please
excuse yourself from her room.” When Clare points out that the suite belongs to
all of the girls, Nikki comes back with, “Oh, is your stuff in here?” Clare
then says, “This is NOT your room.” “Oh really?” questions Nikki. “Do you sleep
in here?” “Well, did you pay for this room?” shouts Clare. They conclude that
this is open space, because neither of them paid for it. Well, at least they
worked that out. Nikki gets in the last word on the confessional, saying that
“There have been times that I didn’t get a rose – very few – but I didn’t act
like that!” She then proceeds with an excellent metaphor, comparing Clare to a
dog who peed on Juan Pablo first, but, according to Nikki, might have claimed
some territory that isn’t hers! Ooooooh! Burn!
Not much happens at the
cocktail party, except to reinforce that Nikki is a raging biotch. Old news. At
the rose ceremony, roses go to Clare, Nikki, and Renee, who move on to
hometowns, which means that we say goodbye to Chelsie. Bummer. I kind of liked
her.
Next week we have a two
night extravaganza! I’m not sure if I can handle hometowns AND overnights in
one week! Whew! It’s going to be intense! Until then, Rose Enthusiasts, I wish
you clarity on which rooms in the house are indeed yours, either by the
presence of your stuff, or whether or not you paid for it. Kisses!
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