Welcome to another week
of Juan Pablo’s “adventura!” This week, we meet our merry harem in New Zealand,
and all I have to say is, “Finally!” I watch this show 75% to make fun of it,
and 25% to figure out where I would want to go on vacation if I had unlimited
funds.  |
| Waiting to welcome Andi if she doesn't get the one-on-Juan |
Thankfully, Andi won’t
need to be attaching a jewel to her belly, because the date card has arrived,
and her name is on it! “Let’s heat things up!” says the card.
Cassandra is getting
more focus this week, which leads me to believe that her time with us is coming
to a close, because unless she’s going to ask some more questions about
complicated concepts like farms, I have no idea what she is still doing around.
We get to sit through a long conversation between Cassandra and Renee AGAIN
discussing their single parent situation. Cassandra feels insecure, not closed
off from dating anymore, etc. Shut up, Cassandra. I have no time for your
shenanigans.
Before Andi leaves on
her date with JPabs, she tells the camera how she really is hoping to have a
breakthrough in her relationship on this date. Whatever that means. Andi and
JPabs arrive at a dock, where they hop aboard a boat, which can only mean one
thing – JPabs got tired of talking on last week’s dates and has decided to
cover all possible chat-time with a ridiculous amount of noise. We hear none of
their conversation on the boat ride, but JP does tell the camera that Andi has got all of her body parts in the right place
“got it goin’ on!” so that’s something.
“I have planned for her
a very adventurous date today,” says JPabs. “She needs to know that she can
trust me, so I talked to the locals, and they told me about this romantic place
they call “the squeeze.” OK, first of all, who is writing his copy? NO ONE
believes you could talk to a mailbox,
Juan Pablo, much less a local New Zealander! Why is anyone even pretending
anymore that the producers aren’t planning this stuff? Grrr.
Anyway, Andi and JPabs reach
a certain point in their boat ride where the boat driver asks them to get out
of the boat and swim. Juan Pablo begins having a seizure, rubbing his hands
together and saying, “AYE YI YI YI YI!” (someone make a gif of this
immediately!) The two get out of the boat, and Andi is particularly unhappy
about the water temperature, since the date card said “feel the heat,” and she’s
cold. Well, we can’t have everything, can we? They begin walking through “crevices
basically” and Andi complains that she feels like they are in a “secluded
jungle cave.” Well spotted! In fact you ARE in a secluded jungle cave! As they
wind their way around the rocks, Andi is moved by how thoughtful JPabs is
being, helping her over the rocks and such, which a-duh. Of course he is going
to help you over the rocks! There’s no room for him to run away if he wanted
to!
 |
| No coin slots, please. |
Eventually, they make it
to the end, where the cold crevices turn into a hot spring! Naturally, there is
a waterfall there, and the two waste no time shoving their tongues in each
other’s mouths, which seems like it would be a bit of a drowning hazard. We
also got a nice shot of JPab’s butt crack peeking out of the top of his bathing
suit, which caused me to make this face while I was on the treadmill at the gym
(thank goodness all of the machines face the same way).
Back at the zoo, the
accent table of doom has been deposited in front of the door bearing the group
date card. Going on the group date this week will be Sharleen, Chelsie, Renee,
Kat, Nikki, and Cassandra, which means that ocean-fornicator Clare will be going
on the second one-on-one! This is no accident. Clare is “scared” because of
what happened in Vietnam, and maybe she should be. Who knows how the producers
will play this one.
Later that night, JPabs and
Andi hang out in front of a geyser, and she asks him where his head is. After JPabs
looks at his shoulders as if expecting his head to be missing, he doesn’t
answer the question, but assures Andi that he’s glad he is touching her body she’s here. Juan Pablo then opens his
jacket, and voila! The rose! She accepts. They make out. Good date.
For the group date, the
harem arrives in a big green field, where JPabs and the girls are having a
picnic. After they eat and Chelsie steals JPabs away for some grass-blowing
(yes, you read that correctly), the group is led to a giant hill, where it is
revealed that they will be rolling around in giant hamster balls! Naturally,
the balls are also filled with water, so everyone will need to strip down to
their bathing suits. “Score!” says JPabs’s groin. Everyone seems to enjoy
themselves, especially Nikki, who manages to roll down the hill and kiss JPAbs
at the same time.
If you heard a crashing
sound, it was me throwing things at the TV in outrage, because the cocktail
party tonight is at HOBBITON! OMG. They are in Bilbo’s freaking house. Ugh. I
bet these B-s can’t even appreciate where they are! Despite the fact that they
are in the BEST LOCATION EVER TO EVER EXIST for a cocktail party, Cassandra
(still showing a lot of her, zzzzz) is upset that she still hasn’t had a
one-on-one with JPabs (a one-on-Juan, if you will). She’s hoping to get a rose
because it’s her birthday, which means she’s clearly not going to get one.
As the one-on-Juans
begin, Nikki tells Juan Pablo she’s falling for him. Sharleen continues her
tour of awkwardness by stopping JPabs mid-kiss to have a discussion about her
feelings, which Juan Pabs interrupts by kissing her again. He must really not
have wanted to listen to her. Eventually, JP takes Cassandra aside and proceeds
to tell her that while she is one of his “special ones” and is “gorgeous” and “funny”
and “so nice” but that they are not in the same “chapter” and that he doesn’t
want to string her along until the end. Ouch. And on her birthday, too. But, I
told you she wasn’t getting the rose! Apparently no one got the date rose,
because there was a lot of sighing and sad music and then a Ford commercial. So
yeah.
The last one-on-Juan
(really enjoying this. Going to keep using it) date this week is with Clare,
where the two will be able to confront each other about what happened last week
in Vietnam. I am totally on Team Clare here, even though Clare is pretty
despicable, because it’s not like JPabs HAD to take her into the ocean. He didn’t
HAVE to do whatever it was they did or didn’t do. So don’t blame Clare for your
carelessness, JP!
Clare and JP will be
going on a picnic, and Clare is anticipating an apology to come her way at some
point during the date. Don’t hold thy breath, Clare. When the topic is
broached, JPabs says that he is sorry that she was upset about what he said,
but really, it was pretty lame for an apology. Clare asks JPabs to define some
boundaries for her, and he says that he “never holds hands in front of Camila,
never kiss a girl in front of Camila, never spend the night in front of Camila.”
Clare then says, “Did we do anything inappropriate in that respect?” to which
JPabs responds, “4 in the morning, kissing in the ocean. It didn’t feel right
to me.” Never mind that you have practically mounted Clare both in the hot tub
on the first date and in the pool not HOURS before ocean-gate. And you made out
with Andi under the waterfall. And made out with Nikki in the hamster ball. And made out with Cassandra next to a boat in the water. Clearly, you have no aversion to water-macking. So,
pick up the phone, JPabs, because I am CALLING BULLS---- on this! UGH.
Sickening. Whatever. Clare gets the rose.
Cocktail party time!
Things are pretty uneventful. It has come down to Kat and Chelsie, because Renee obviously has a connection with JP Cassandra has already gone home and apparently Sharleen did get the date rose (must have missed that?). Chelsie gets the Rose. Kat gets eliminated. Sorry Kat. I guess throwing your crotch around JPabs neck wasn't enough. And you had to run that 5K. Losses all around! Sharleen is particularly upset during the Rose Ceremony, because she's not feeling Juan Pabs (which she hasn't been the whole time), but not to turn down a free trip to Miami (next week's destination), she's going to selflessly stick it out another week to see if she really might possibly at some point maybe have a connection with JPabs. Or gets some Cuban food. Whichever comes first.
“We are in the land of
volcanoes, and emotions are bubbling.”
“This is new territory.
It’s like “the squeeze.” I just never know what’s around that next corner.”
“We are having dinner in
front of the geyser. I think dinner is going to blow her mind!”
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