In which Juan Pablo continues to say nothing.

¡Bienvenidos a Miami, Rose Enthusiasts! We have encircled the world and are now back in the good ‘ol USA for yet another week of JPabs’s foray into the world of skanko-Roman wrestling!

When Juan Pablo arrives in Miami, the first thing he does is surprise (like the camera crew didn't give it away) Cameeeela and take her swimming. Aww. How cute. Meanwhile, the “ladies” are deposited at the hotel and are greeted with boxes bearing the standard-issue uniform – brand spankin’ new bikinis! The producers must have been really offended by Andi’s one-piece last week (the first in Bachelor history, you think?), because we aren’t going to be seeing that sucker again!

Juan Pablo decides to deliver the first date card without the help of the accent table of doom (miss you, buddy!), and completely catches Sharleen off-guard when it is announced that they are going on the date right then. Because Sharleen has clearly never seen this program, she changes from her teeny shorts into a shapeless, wannabe shroud and ponders her lack of a “cerebral” connection to Juan Pablo, a nice way of saying that he’s a brainless git, but she likes the way his tongue feels in her mouth. Well, Sharleen, if you’re waiting for Juan Pablo to be tops in anything beginning with the Greek root “cere,” you might have better luck waiting for something that might actually happen – like proving the existence of the Loch Ness Monster.

What happens when Sharleen
attempts to remove her mouth from
Juan Pablo's. 

Anyway, the two take a walk down by the ocean, and find Team Bachelor waiting on a yacht! After taking a few selfies, sunning, and making out on a blanket, Juan Pablo and Sharleen arrive on a private island, where they make out some more! They attempt to have a conversation about whether or not Sharleen would give up her career as an opera singer, but all she says about this is “change is good. I like change.” Ok. Cool. Who needs to talk when we can make out in the water? And again on the boat. Sharleen tells the camera that she is “disturbed” by how much she enjoys kissing Juan Pablo, and that every time she attempts to have a conversation with him, they just end up making out instead, which leaves her to wonder what is “propelling this relationship forward” (besides the human sexual response cycle?). When their lips manage to unglue themselves (cue the sound of a plunger being drawn from a toilet), Sharleen tells Juan Pablo she wishes she were a little “dumber,” and that it would make things much simpler, which is perhaps the most honest thing anyone has ever said on this program. I’m not sure Juan Pablo realizes that’s because he’s “simple,” but this is neither here nor there. There are no roses on the one-on-one dates this week, so Sharleen is able to end the date “torn.”

KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK (“Is that the door?” says Andi. Oh, honey..) back at the hotel, and the date card has arrived for Nikki! Rather than being super-stoked, all Nikki has to say is, “Am I going to have to dance again?” Way to appreciate the experience, Nikki. Why don’t you complain some more?

A decent impression
of what JPab's baby mama
looked like during the meeting. 

Thankfully for Nikki (and the rest of us), the date does not involve Nikki dancing, but is a date to Cameeela’s dance recital! Before they can go to the recital, however, they must construct a flower arrangement! Nikki is flattered that Juan Pablo is taking her to meet his family (including Cameeela’s mom, who looks like the gold-digging stepmom from Jungle 2 Jungle), and I don’t necessarily blame her. The recital was very cute, Cameeela sang a solo, the family meeting was fine, and Nikki is totally attracted to JPabs. I would comment on the fact that introducing Cameeela to one of the women so soon shows absolutely no judgment, but this is The Bachelor. If people didn’t show poor judgment, the show wouldn’t exist.

After the recital, Nikki and JPabs have dinner in the Marlins Stadium, but not before stopping off on the field to play some catch (anyone else worried that Nikki was going to have some sort of wardrobe malfunction? What was that top stuck to?). Nikki manages to get more questions out on her date than Sharleen, and asks JPabs how Cameeela’s mom feels about all of this. JPabs insists that she’s totally fine with it (doubt it!), and that it’s important for Nikki to understand this in case the “moon and the skies” tell them that they must be together. Glad you’re using a technical process, JPabs. Nikki doesn’t seem to care about this though, and considers the date a “home run.” And here I was beginning to think we wouldn’t have any date-related metaphors, this week. Silly. 

No chance. No way. Sharleen
won't say it. 

I’m not sure when this actually happened, since during the conversation Sharleen says that her date with JPabs was the day before, and I doubt this happened right after Nikki’s date, but in what is a surprise to no one, Sharleen comes downstairs and announces to the girls that her hormones have calmed down long enough for her to think rationally, and therefore, she is outta there! She goes down to JPabs’s room to tell him in person, and says that she just doesn’t see herself being at a place where she can get engaged to someone in the next three weeks. Oh really? You mean this “process” isn’t one that develops lasting relationships? JPabs takes it in stride, and tells her that she didn’t waste his time, and blah blah. He even sheds a few tears in his confessional. Don’t worry, Juan Pablo! You have five other sets of lips to take her place! And so, we say goodbye to awkward Sharleen and her magic giraffe-tongue. Bon voyage back to Germany, or wherever.

After all of this, we still have a group date and a cat fight to enjoy! Going on the group date are the leftovers, Chelsie, Renee, Clare, and Andi. There is a rose on this date, and whoever receives it also receives a golden ticket to hometowns! JPabs and the “ladies” jet back to Team Bachelor’s private island, and it is revealed that whoever gets the rose will also get to go on a special “extended” date with JPabs later that night! Oooooh. Tension!

Chelsie’s one-on-Juan is first, and she brings out the big guns, showing JPabs a collection of letters from her mom and dad, which includes some sound advice (to keep her clothes on), and JPabs is into the fact that she has such a supportive family. Andi is next, and she is less confident than Chelsie. She immediately starts crying when they sit down on the beach, saying that she feels “super vulnerable” and that she doesn’t usually “show a ton of emotions,” but that it’s scary to put her family out there and not have any certainties. JPabs says he understands, but that “everything is going to be ok.” Alright – at what point can he stop telling these people that everything is going to be ok? Obviously, one of them is being sent home before hometowns, so everything is NOT going to be ok for someone. Get some new reassuring verbiage, JPabs.

Clare is up, and she and JPabs talk again about her dad, and she tells JPabs about the DVD (referenced on night one) he recorded for her future husband before he died. All I can say is that if we don’t see this DVD (even though it would be a Gob Bluth level mistake to show it), I am going to be pretty disappointed after all of this teasing!

We don’t get to see Renee’s one-on-Juan, so it must have been pretty boring. When it comes time for JPabs to hand out the date rose, it goes to . . . Andi! Guess all that crying worked! Clare is particularly upset about this, saying that she has just been getting naked with people in the ocean putting herself out there, and she has “literally been watching everyone else go on their dates.” She just doesn’t get it. She just wants to “wrap this s___ up and go home!” (You and me both, Clare).

It’s cat fight time! When the remaining girls return from the date, we get to hear part of Clare’s confessional, saying that while she got kicked off the date, the upside is that she “gets to hang out with Nikki!” (statement drips with sarcasm) Nikki can barely contain her joy when she hears about what went down on the date, and comments on how Chelsie and Renee are taking the situation in stride, but Clare is clearly unhappy. “I’m not checked out!” announces Clare. “But I’m not going to sit here and be fake!” Nikki storms upstairs, and Clare has decided that Nikki’s days as queen of the b---- castle are over! She follows Nikki upstairs, and the following conversation takes place.

N: I didn’t like that you were talking s--- [about Andi]

C: I wasn’t talking s---. Who was talking s---?

N: You interrupted.

C: Who was talking s---?

N: You interrupted.

C: Who was talking s---?

N: I just thought it was going that way, and I didn’t want to be a part of it.

C: But who was talking s---?

Really articulate, these two. This carries on for awhile, and finally, Nikki asks Clare to “please excuse yourself from her room.” When Clare points out that the suite belongs to all of the girls, Nikki comes back with, “Oh, is your stuff in here?” Clare then says, “This is NOT your room.” “Oh really?” questions Nikki. “Do you sleep in here?” “Well, did you pay for this room?” shouts Clare. They conclude that this is open space, because neither of them paid for it. Well, at least they worked that out. Nikki gets in the last word on the confessional, saying that “There have been times that I didn’t get a rose – very few – but I didn’t act like that!” She then proceeds with an excellent metaphor, comparing Clare to a dog who peed on Juan Pablo first, but, according to Nikki, might have claimed some territory that isn’t hers! Ooooooh! Burn!

Not much happens at the cocktail party, except to reinforce that Nikki is a raging biotch. Old news. At the rose ceremony, roses go to Clare, Nikki, and Renee, who move on to hometowns, which means that we say goodbye to Chelsie. Bummer. I kind of liked her.

Next week we have a two night extravaganza! I’m not sure if I can handle hometowns AND overnights in one week! Whew! It’s going to be intense! Until then, Rose Enthusiasts, I wish you clarity on which rooms in the house are indeed yours, either by the presence of your stuff, or whether or not you paid for it. Kisses!

One-on-Juan!

Welcome to another week of Juan Pablo’s “adventura!” This week, we meet our merry harem in New Zealand, and all I have to say is, “Finally!” I watch this show 75% to make fun of it, and 25% to figure out where I would want to go on vacation if I had unlimited funds.

Waiting to welcome Andi if she
doesn't get the one-on-Juan

The girls arrive at the hotel, and for once, I am feeling their enthusiasm. It really does look superb. But, the time to enjoy their surroundings is short, because DUN-DUN-DUN! The date card arrives. As we know, Andi really, really, really, really, really wants that one-on-one date. Well, Andi, you are the only girl left who hasn’t had a one-on-one, so if you don’t get it this time, you’re basically a troll.

Thankfully, Andi won’t need to be attaching a jewel to her belly, because the date card has arrived, and her name is on it! “Let’s heat things up!” says the card.

Cassandra is getting more focus this week, which leads me to believe that her time with us is coming to a close, because unless she’s going to ask some more questions about complicated concepts like farms, I have no idea what she is still doing around. We get to sit through a long conversation between Cassandra and Renee AGAIN discussing their single parent situation. Cassandra feels insecure, not closed off from dating anymore, etc. Shut up, Cassandra. I have no time for your shenanigans.

Before Andi leaves on her date with JPabs, she tells the camera how she really is hoping to have a breakthrough in her relationship on this date. Whatever that means. Andi and JPabs arrive at a dock, where they hop aboard a boat, which can only mean one thing – JPabs got tired of talking on last week’s dates and has decided to cover all possible chat-time with a ridiculous amount of noise. We hear none of their conversation on the boat ride, but JP does tell the camera that Andi has got all of her body parts in the right place “got it goin’ on!” so that’s something.

“I have planned for her a very adventurous date today,” says JPabs. “She needs to know that she can trust me, so I talked to the locals, and they told me about this romantic place they call “the squeeze.” OK, first of all, who is writing his copy? NO ONE believes you could talk to a mailbox, Juan Pablo, much less a local New Zealander! Why is anyone even pretending anymore that the producers aren’t planning this stuff? Grrr.

Anyway, Andi and JPabs reach a certain point in their boat ride where the boat driver asks them to get out of the boat and swim. Juan Pablo begins having a seizure, rubbing his hands together and saying, “AYE YI YI YI YI!” (someone make a gif of this immediately!) The two get out of the boat, and Andi is particularly unhappy about the water temperature, since the date card said “feel the heat,” and she’s cold. Well, we can’t have everything, can we? They begin walking through “crevices basically” and Andi complains that she feels like they are in a “secluded jungle cave.” Well spotted! In fact you ARE in a secluded jungle cave! As they wind their way around the rocks, Andi is moved by how thoughtful JPabs is being, helping her over the rocks and such, which a-duh. Of course he is going to help you over the rocks! There’s no room for him to run away if he wanted to!

No coin slots, please. 

Eventually, they make it to the end, where the cold crevices turn into a hot spring! Naturally, there is a waterfall there, and the two waste no time shoving their tongues in each other’s mouths, which seems like it would be a bit of a drowning hazard. We also got a nice shot of JPab’s butt crack peeking out of the top of his bathing suit, which caused me to make this face while I was on the treadmill at the gym (thank goodness all of the machines face the same way).

Back at the zoo, the accent table of doom has been deposited in front of the door bearing the group date card. Going on the group date this week will be Sharleen, Chelsie, Renee, Kat, Nikki, and Cassandra, which means that ocean-fornicator Clare will be going on the second one-on-one! This is no accident. Clare is “scared” because of what happened in Vietnam, and maybe she should be. Who knows how the producers will play this one.

Later that night, JPabs and Andi hang out in front of a geyser, and she asks him where his head is. After JPabs looks at his shoulders as if expecting his head to be missing, he doesn’t answer the question, but assures Andi that he’s glad he is touching her body she’s here. Juan Pablo then opens his jacket, and voila! The rose! She accepts. They make out. Good date.

For the group date, the harem arrives in a big green field, where JPabs and the girls are having a picnic. After they eat and Chelsie steals JPabs away for some grass-blowing (yes, you read that correctly), the group is led to a giant hill, where it is revealed that they will be rolling around in giant hamster balls! Naturally, the balls are also filled with water, so everyone will need to strip down to their bathing suits. “Score!” says JPabs’s groin. Everyone seems to enjoy themselves, especially Nikki, who manages to roll down the hill and kiss JPAbs at the same time.

If you heard a crashing sound, it was me throwing things at the TV in outrage, because the cocktail party tonight is at HOBBITON! OMG. They are in Bilbo’s freaking house. Ugh. I bet these B-s can’t even appreciate where they are! Despite the fact that they are in the BEST LOCATION EVER TO EVER EXIST for a cocktail party, Cassandra (still showing a lot of her, zzzzz) is upset that she still hasn’t had a one-on-one with JPabs (a one-on-Juan, if you will). She’s hoping to get a rose because it’s her birthday, which means she’s clearly not going to get one.

As the one-on-Juans begin, Nikki tells Juan Pablo she’s falling for him. Sharleen continues her tour of awkwardness by stopping JPabs mid-kiss to have a discussion about her feelings, which Juan Pabs interrupts by kissing her again. He must really not have wanted to listen to her. Eventually, JP takes Cassandra aside and proceeds to tell her that while she is one of his “special ones” and is “gorgeous” and “funny” and “so nice” but that they are not in the same “chapter” and that he doesn’t want to string her along until the end. Ouch. And on her birthday, too. But, I told you she wasn’t getting the rose! Apparently no one got the date rose, because there was a lot of sighing and sad music and then a Ford commercial. So yeah.

The last one-on-Juan (really enjoying this. Going to keep using it) date this week is with Clare, where the two will be able to confront each other about what happened last week in Vietnam. I am totally on Team Clare here, even though Clare is pretty despicable, because it’s not like JPabs HAD to take her into the ocean. He didn’t HAVE to do whatever it was they did or didn’t do. So don’t blame Clare for your carelessness, JP!

Clare and JP will be going on a picnic, and Clare is anticipating an apology to come her way at some point during the date. Don’t hold thy breath, Clare. When the topic is broached, JPabs says that he is sorry that she was upset about what he said, but really, it was pretty lame for an apology. Clare asks JPabs to define some boundaries for her, and he says that he “never holds hands in front of Camila, never kiss a girl in front of Camila, never spend the night in front of Camila.” Clare then says, “Did we do anything inappropriate in that respect?” to which JPabs responds, “4 in the morning, kissing in the ocean. It didn’t feel right to me.” Never mind that you have practically mounted Clare both in the hot tub on the first date and in the pool not HOURS before ocean-gate. And you made out with Andi under the waterfall. And made out with Nikki in the hamster ball. And made out with Cassandra next to a boat in the water. Clearly, you have no aversion to water-macking. So, pick up the phone, JPabs, because I am CALLING BULLS---- on this! UGH. Sickening. Whatever. Clare gets the rose.

Cocktail party time! Things are pretty uneventful. It has come down to Kat and Chelsie, because Renee obviously has a connection with JP Cassandra has already gone home and apparently Sharleen did get the date rose (must have missed that?). Chelsie gets the Rose. Kat gets eliminated. Sorry Kat. I guess throwing your crotch around JPabs neck wasn't enough. And you had to run that 5K. Losses all around! Sharleen is particularly upset during the Rose Ceremony, because she's not feeling Juan Pabs (which she hasn't been the whole time), but not to turn down a free trip to Miami (next week's destination), she's going to selflessly stick it out another week to see if she really might possibly at some point maybe have a connection with JPabs. Or gets some Cuban food. Whichever comes first. 

See you next week, friends!  To end the recap, I leave you with some nature metaphors from tonight's episode:

“We are in the land of volcanoes, and emotions are bubbling.”

“This is new territory. It’s like “the squeeze.” I just never know what’s around that next corner.”

“We are having dinner in front of the geyser. I think dinner is going to blow her mind!”

Everything goes to "Hell!"

Welcome to this week’s episode of The Bachelor, Rose Enthusiasts! Sorry for the delay in the recap, but this week has been a bit busy, and I am finally getting a chance to sit down and watch.

This week, JPabs and the “ladies” are in Vietnam, because why not go to all of the Asian countries? They are staying at some [insert product placement] resort, and are very enthused about it. Kat compares this experience to participating in Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego - - Juan Pablo goes, and they follow. Of course, the only thievery Juan Pablo is committing is the stealing of hearts, so…

The envelope of doom arrives to announce the first one-on-one date, and it goes to  . . . Renee! Aww. Renee is so excited her palms are hurting. She brings up again how she really wants to have her first kiss with Juan Pablo and I just feel sorry for her. I wonder if she knows exactly how many people he’s tounged it with since the beginning of the season?

Renee meets JPabs in the middle of a town (he said the name, but it was unintelligible, so I have no idea where they are exactly). After taking Renee around in a pedi-cab, JP takes her to their destination, which is to get custom-made Vietnamese garb (much like clothes, the two need to see if they are the right “fit” *retch*)! Now, I don’t know who is planning these dates, but so far, I have been really underwhelmed by where they are taking the girls this season. 5Ks, fish pedis, wandering around randomly? Bo-ring! You have a crazy budget! Customized Asian clothes is the best you could come up with? Thank goodness Renee is there instead of me, because Renee LOVES it (JPabs does too, because he gets to see the exact measurement of her bust).

Later that night, Renee shows up for dinner in the custom dress, which was ok, I guess, but nothing to write home about. The two bond over talking about their kids, but Renee’s kiss attempt is rebuffed when JPabs says he doesn’t want Renee’s son to see her kissing him on TV. Ouch. Despite this, Renee gets the date rose!

Back at the cattle pen, the group date card has arrived. Going on the group date this week are Kat, Cassandra, Danielle, Kelly, Sharleen, Alli, Clare, and Andi. Andi is particularly unhappy about this, because she wants a one-on-one “every day and twice on Sundays.” Funny, that's how I feel about bacon. But, to each her own, right? 

When the girls arrive for the date, Juan Pablo says that they are going to do “very traditional Vietnam things in Vietnam.” Thanks for the clarification, JPabs. A row of rafts is tied up at the pier, and a pair will be commandeering each. Of course, the necessity to be in pairs has been carefully orchestrated by Team Bachelor, and I must say, “Well done!” Who is going to get in the boat with JPabs? Because Clare doesn’t have any friends in the house, no one picks her as their partner, and she gets the coveted raft-time! “The first time in anyone’s life having no friends is an advantage!” says Kelly. As we saw last week, Clare is the only exception to JPab’s kissing moratorium, and the two start smooching when they “accidentally” get stuck and the other girls float cluelessly upstream. Oh wait, not so cluelessly. Andi has seen the “besitos” and is NOT having it, saying that they are basically watching “another one-on-one date happen in front of her eyes.” The other girls agree and share in the disgust.

After the float trip, JPabs and the “ladies” are wandering down the road, when JPabs follows his very carefully planned producer instructions randomly asks a dude on the road if they can eat lunch at his house. “I think they are going to show us some Vietnam things here,” says JPabs as they sit down at the table. (Really? Do you? Gah! Someone get him an acting coach!) It turns out they are at a Vietnamese farm, and the existence of a place where a group of people work together to grow food flummoxes Cassandra. “We should have these back in America!” she confides to the producers. Oh, Cassandra. It’s a good thing you’re pretty.

That night at the after-party, Clare is pulled aside first. No one is particularly happy about this since she already had a ton of time with JPabs during the morning. “Should we just take the rose down there and give it to her? Do you think they’ve made it to second base yet?” says Kelly. Juan Pablo and Clare, on the other hand, don’t care so much about what the girls think, and take a trip to JPab’s suite, where he just “wants to let her know he feels comfortable” with her. Oh, I think she knows, JPabs. I think she knows (unless stripping down immediately and feeling each other up in a private pool denotes discomfort with another human anyway). In what is a surprise to no one, Clare gets the date rose.

But wait! It’s not over! No doubt aided by the producers and an overabundance of spirited beverages, Clare sneaks away from the group and beelines it for Juan Pablo’s room, announcing that one of the things on her bucket list is to “swim in a warm ocean.” Weird, but whatever. When she approaches JPabs about participating in this with her, he is, of course, on board, and the two shimmy on down to the beach. Unlike Ben and Courtney a few seasons ago, these two manage to keep it clothed while frolicking in the water, but they “got a little wild” according to JPab’s confessional afterwards. Now, all this week there has been debate on the blogosphere about whether or not the two actually had sex in the ocean (they say they didn’t), but the edit certainly would have us believe it. All I have to say is this: If that ocean was indeed consummation station, I am impressed (and not by their appalling lack of scruples), because those waves were really big, so I imagine it wouldn’t have been easy. Realistically, I highly doubt they actually had intercourse, but do I think all of those hands were being kept above the safety line? No chance, no way. In any case, yeeeeeeeeeuck. Hope you brought some antibiotics, Clare.

So much has happened, and we still have to see Nikki’s one-on-one date. The sinister music starts immediately after Juan Pablo tells her that they will be spending the afternoon rappelling into a cave, appropriately named “Hell.” (Best metaphor ever?) Nikki, who is of course, afraid of heights, is none too pleased about this turn of events (I wouldn’t want to be taken on a date to somewhere called Hell either, Nikki, and the only time I have ever rappelled, I cried like a cat trying to escape a shower, so this date is 0 for 2). Ultimately Nikki decides to go through with the rappelling, stating that she has three options: living, dying, or pooping her pants. Yikes. We can only hope this is that exciting.  (Un)fortunately, Nikki’s pants remain unsoiled and she makes it down to the bottom. “Even though we’re in Hell, it feels like Heaven,” she says. After dinner, Nikki announces that she is ready to become a stepmom, and JPabs LOVES it. He is so glad that Nikki is opening up™ and Nikki gets the date rose! Commence face-sucking.

And we have finally made it to the cocktail party! Three women will be going home tonight, so tensions are high. Clare, of course, breaks the tension with a toast to “finding love and making love!” Gross, Clare. Andi gets pulled aside first for one-on-one time, followed by Cassandra, Sharleen, and Renee, and Juan Pablo can’t imagine sending any one of them home. Renee finally gets her kiss with JPabs during their one-on-one after she reassures him that her son wouldn’t mind in any way if she was seen macking on someone who isn’t his father on national television. Good for Renee, I guess.

The real drama comes when Clare and JPabs sit down for their chat time, and Juan Pablo tells her that their rendezvous in the ocean was “a little weird” for him since it wasn’t fair to the other girls. He suggests that they not take it that far again. However far that was anyway. He also says that he doesn’t want Camila to see what happened. Clare is NOT having this sudden change of heart and starts crying, saying that she feels “stupid and embarrassed.” Normally, I am not one to sympathize with people whining about slut-shaming (don’t want to be shamed for being a slut? Don’t be a slut!), but you almost feel bad for Clare getting the bad edit here. I’m sure JPabs was totally on board with whatever handsy activities went down beneath the waves, and it’s ridiculous that Clare should be the only one to blame for their lack of judgment. You wanted to "experience" Clare in the ocean, JPabs? Own it! Don’t pretend that you made a mistake after you already enjoyed it. Ughghugh. Men!

Anyway, Clare got a rose, so mistake or no mistake, she’s not going anywhere. When the rose ceremony happens, roses go to Cassandra, Kat, Sharleen, Chelsie, and Andi, who join Nikki, Renee, and Clare in the “safe” category. Which means that going home tonight are Kelly (noooooooooo!), Danielle (who?), and Alli.

Next week, JPabs and the harem are headed to New Zealand, people are making out under waterfalls, tension erupts, Sharleen might leave? Can’t wait! See you next week!

I am not familiar with the sensation.

Downton Abbey, Series 4, Episode 6 Recap! 

Ahem. A breakfast conversation with the Crawley family:

Lady Edith: Anything in the mail? I'm going to need official word on whether or not my life is ruined. 
Lord Grantham: Nope. But your Uncle Harold has made some poor business decisions. 
Lady Rose: Who's Uncle Harold?
Lord Grantham: Cora's lame brother. I've always thought Harold a good businessman, and since I haven't come to grips with the fact that I am clearly no JP Morgan, he must truly be appalling with money. 
Lady Edith: Why in the world would he want your help? Remember when you bankrupted Downton? Twice? 
Lord Grantham: I have no idea. I must skedaddle. 
Branson: We're farming pigs now. 

And with this, plus a few mentions of Robert's upcoming birthday bash, we begin the fifth episode of this season of Downton.

Downstairs Drama

The drama continues between Daisy/Ivy/Jimmy/Alfred, when Alfred gets accepted to cooking school after all! Daisy, who had just been giving Alfred the hottest toast as a reward for staying, is devastated, even though everyone and their dog has tried to tell Daisy that Alfred is clearly just not that into her and whether he stays or not is not going to make him date her, but whatever. Daisy confronts Ivy about this, blaming Ivy and her tart-y ways for driving Alfred away. Yikes. Calm down, Daisy. It's not Ivy's fault that she's way more attractive than you are. When it comes time for Alfred to leave, the downstairs staff gathers to say goodbye, Thomas tells him not to do anything he wouldn't do ("that leaves him a lot of leeway," says Mrs. Patmore), and Daisy does not join the proceedings. Because he's sort of insensitive, Alfred goes into the kitchen and tells Daisy he's sorry he's not attracted to her. Wow. Great. Just what she wants to hear. But, rather than attack him with a kitchen knife (as I would have done), Daisy LOVES it! She wishes him good luck and tells him that she knows he'll be successful. Ugh, Daisy. You are far too easily pleased.

Guess who happened to see Alfred getting on the train while he was laying gravel at the train station? If you guessed, (Eeyore) Molesly, you're a lot savvier than whoever was calling plays for the Broncos offense. The following conversation takes place between Carson and Eeyore.

Carson: Eeyore! What are you doing here?
Eeyore: Well, you know, I was repairing gravel at the station . . . my horrible job, remember? Saw Alfred. He's going to London.
Carson: Your point?
Eeyore: Just wanted to remind you that I totally humbled myself last week and decided to sink to the lowest depths of employment for you and for Downton, so . . .
Carson: Yeah, about that . . . I've no room for egos here.
Eeyore: Er . . . eh. . . .what? I mean, I said I would . . .?
Carson: Peace out, sucka.

Hughes and Patmore, on the other hand, aren't letting Carson off so easily, and the two start scheming a bit of a plan. There's hope for you yet, Eeyore! They invite Molesly to serve the servants' tea, and Carson, who just cannot stand this idea, gives in and welcomes Molesly back into the house. During this little montage, we get a shot of Miss Baxter, who is totally checking him out. A job and a girlfriend? Can Molesly get so lucky?

Jimmy and Ivy enjoy their night off by going to see a Rudolph Valentino picture (who Mrs. Patmore apparently finds quite attractive. Down, girl). However, when Jimmy wants her to um... repay him for his "kindness" of taking her to the cinema, Ivy is appropriately offended, and strands him in the middle of the park. Later, when she tells Mrs. Hughes, Mrs. Patmore, and Daisy about her misfortunes, none of them are sympathetic. Daisy tells her off for not figuring out Jimmy was a creep right away and driving off Alfred in the meantime. Ivy is confused (of course), but Mrs. Hughes (because she's awesome) tells Ivy that "she had that coming." What would these people do without Mrs. Hughes?

Upstairs Inharmony

Edith finally gets some correspondence (and it's not from Mr. Keebler, who has apparently vanished somewhere in Germany), but from the doctor she visited last week, and, to no one's surprise (except maybe hers), there has been a successful union of seed and flower within her, and the first trimester of pregnancy has begun. Ugh. Edith. I told you to borrow that book about birth control from Braithwaite!

Meanwhile, Mr. Napier and his friend Mr. Blake have arrived for their "indefinite" stay at Downton while they assess the various estates in Yorkshire. Mary and Mr. Blake get off on the wrong foot, which clearly means that they'll be in bed by the end of this season, mark my words. I knew we hadn't gotten rid of love interests for her that easily!

Lady Rose has booked Jack Ross's band for Robert's birthday, and honestly, I have no idea what happened during this scene because I was distracted by Jack Ross's voice. My heavens, it was pretty. At the end of the night, Lady Mary goes downstairs to tell the bandleader that Robert will be paying the bill, she walks in on . . . JACK ROSS MAKING OUT WITH ROSE! Right in the kitchen! Ok, it really wasn't that dramatic or that exciting, but I mean, who can blame her? Jack Ross has the voice of an angel! He rescued her from dance floor humiliation! Who wouldn't make out with him? I'll sign myself up right now!

There was also some storyline about the Dowager Countess losing a knife and blaming it on her new gardener, but it was pretty boring. Basically, it was just more sparring between Violet and Isobel, and as much as I love sparring between Violet and Isobel, I want it to be within a story I care about.


MVP Throwaway Moments/Lines:

1) Carson's reaction to finding out the band that Rose has booked for Lord Grantham's birthday includes a black man. Priceless! And Mrs. Hughes congratulating Jack Ross on finding "something about the past Mr. Carson doesn't agree with." I'd watch an entire show with just these two.

2) Violet ringing her bell violently for Spratt during her argument with Isobel.

3) "I wouldn't know. I am not familiar with the sensation" - Violet on being wrong

Juan-nam Style!

Welcome to Week 4 of our exhausting slog through Juan Pablo’s adventura!

We made it three weeks before it was time for the international portion of the show (is it me, or does it seem like this is starting sooner and sooner every season?), but before JPabs and his harem depart for South Korea, we must say goodbye to Cameeeela. I must say, even though her dad is a bit of a brainless git, she is a cute little kid. Juan Pablo tells the camera that it was nice being at a rent free mansion home with Camila, but he is ready to “focus on him.” Because being the Bachelor has always been such a selfless endeavor in the past. We also get to hear that JPabs can’t wait to “date somewhere else,” which I also don’t really understand. One producer-planned date is the same as another, right? As the saying goes, “all dates lead to the hot tub!”

The girls are a little prematurely excited when Chris Harrison tells them to get out their passports. At least wait until he says where you’re going before you start screaming! For all you know, you could be going to dig a well in Haiti. Oh wait . . . never mind. Distended bellies are so unromantic. Upon the reveal, Clare exclaims, “Korea! I don’t even have a kimono!” Ummm?

While high school lessons about cultural literacy are attempting to penetrate Clare’s idiocy, the accent table of doom has also arrived in Korea bearing the first date card! A group date is first this week, and going on the first group date are Chelsie, Cassandra, Elise, Danielle, Kat, and Nikki! Nikki is particularly unhappy about this, and refers to the other girls going on the date as “quite annoying,” complaining that she would rather not spend this time in a foreign country with them. Sounds like a personal problem, sweetheart.

Juan Pablo is taking the girls to a studio, where they are going to be dancing with some K-Pop group, 2NE1, who are apparently the Korean Spice Girls. When the “ladies” arrive in the room, they are so excited! About what, I have no idea, since I’m sure they have no idea who these people are. Everyone takes turns dancing in front of everyone, and then learn a 2NE1 dance, because all of the girls are going to dance behind 2NE1 at their concert tonight! Nikki continues to complain about pretty much everything, especially the performance aspect, and declares that the situation calls for her to “crap her pants.” I’d pay to see that, Nikki.

JPabs and the girls perform with 2NE1 at the mall, and I’m not sure the girls’ performance does much to improve any foreigner’s opinion of America. Kat is gyrating harder than Elvis, Nikki looks like she’d rather be dead, and JPabs just looks loveably clueless. In short, what people think Americans are actually like. So, well done, I guess.

At the after party, Nikki expresses her distaste for Kat and her attention-seeking ways during the performance, but the other girls (and rightfully so), express their dislike for Nikki’s constant whining. Unfortunately for them, Nikki brings out the big guns during her one-on-one by talking about Camila, and she gets the date rose! “Ugh. Yuck!” says Chelsie.

The only one-on-one this week went to a cardboard box Sharleen. I am super curious as to how this ends up, since Juan Pablo seems to be much more attracted to Sharleen than she to him. The other girls apparently feel the same, since they express that they really don’t understand the chemistry between the two of them (I’m not sure Sharleen understands it either, since she talks about Juan Pablo the same way one would discuss a bunion – with detached annoyance). However, JPabs tells the camera Sharleen is his “favorite” so far. Maybe he’s some sort of secret masochist?

Anyway, the two wander around Seoul for awhile, and JPabs finally gets Sharleen to sing opera for him in a tea garden. She acts like she doesn’t want to, but I call shenanigans on this! You’re telling me she didn’t think anything about people seeing her sing opera on television? Please. Things start to get real though, when Sharleen is asked whether or not she wants children. After completely avoiding the question for awhile (read: not saying a word), she admits that she hasn’t really thought about having kids because she’s been so focused on her career. But obviously, now she’s completely open to more screen time having as many children as JPabs wants and she really wants to have children. Did I mention that she really wants them? She also confesses that she’s unhappy that she wouldn’t be “sharing the first” with JP, but he likes her honesty, and Sharleen gets the rose!

The second group date is with the remaining girls, Renee, Andi, Clare, Lauren, Alli and Kelly, who are about to get “Krazy in Korea!” (why kan’t they just spell things korrectly?). Basically, this entails walking around doing an array of very strange things, the oddest of which is getting fish pedicures (live fish eating your dead skin. Appetizing.)

There was also a particularly eye-roll worthy moment when Clare announces to Juan Pablo that she never wants to try octopus, and then he marches the group right over to … some octopus on a toothpick! The other members of the merry harem eat their octopus, but Clare makes a huge fuss, whining and being “cute” about how she doesn’t want to eat it before choking it down. “I know she’s swallowed bigger things than that,” quips Kelly (please do Bachelor Pad, Kelly. Please).

Later on, JPabs is doing his one-on-ones, and Renee has decided that it’s time for some kissing. “He just smells so good!” she says. But, not so fast, Mami! Juan Pablo has concluded that now is the time to grow a moral compass and not kiss so many girls (he’s already kissed six). To set a good example for Camila of course. Lauren doesn’t get the memo, and immediately flings herself into JP’s arms and tries to kiss him right off. The rejection that ensues was awkward. Ouch, Lauren. She knows it’s bad news too, because she is aware that JPab’s tongue has been down quite a few throats so far and starts crying. This causes JP to feel “horrible” and he comes and comforts her.

Kelly continues to be awesome when discussing Clare’s possessiveness over JPabs earlier in the date. “Is [being possessive] a bad thing?” “Not if you’re a dog,” deadpans Kelly. Andi and Kelly do a hilarious impersonation of JPabs feeding Clare the octopus (complete with accent) that sort of makes me want to be friends with them. It was amazing. I also appreciated the editing of this portion, because they spliced the impersonation of Clare with actual Clare telling JPabs about how she actually “threw up in her mouth” (don’t worry, she swallowed it back down) when she ate the octopus. Yes, it was as awkward as it sounds. I actually couldn’t tell if he was genuinely interested in what she was saying, or if he learned that Americans like big facial expressions, so he was reacting sort of over-the-top. JPab’s new no-kiss policy apparently doesn’t apply to Clare, because his reaction to her previously-imposed no kiss policy was priceless. It sort of reminded me of some teenage kid whose girlfriend won’t give it up, including the pouting. The conversation went something like this:

JP: Why you say no more kissing?

Clare: Because I really liked kissing you.

JP: Me too! So?

Clare: So, since we know that’s there, we should just talk.

JP: Fine. Whatever. Great. I love no kissing. *pouty mouth*

And then they start making out. Well done, JPabs. Even though he thought Clare’s vomit-mouth was too sexy to resist, Andi gets the date rose!

It’s finally time for the cocktail party, and JPabs has picked up on the tension among the girls. Nikki, Sharleen, and Andi are safe and have decided that they should be respectful and not interrupt the one-on-one time of the other rose-less “ladies.” This lasts about ten minutes before Nikki decides that courtesy is overrated and slinks herself right over to where Clare and JPabs are chatting. During the course of Nikki and JPab’s conversation, he reveals that he heard there may be some drama in the house, and Nikki is NOT having that. Nikki thinks that Clare is obviously behind it. Clare says she would never “waste her time” with him like that. She tells Nikki that she is “one way with him and one way with the girls” and that her behavior in the house doesn’t warrant “like, a rose.” Unfortunately for Clare, Juan Pablo is handing out the roses, not her, so Nikki is safe for now. I can only hope these two start ripping each other’s hair extensions out next week.

When the roses are handed out, they go to Renee, Chelsie, Alli, Kelly, Cassandra, Danielle, Clare and Kat, which means that Elise and Lauren are sent packing.

See you next week in Vietnam! Maybe Danielle will finally get a sentence out next week?

Downton Abbey, Series 4, Episode 5 Recap

Bust out the sad entrance music, lords and ladies. Mr. Bates is walking all by his lonesome up to the big house from the cottage. This can only mean one thing! Anna has successfully moved back into the house. Join me in a collective, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” will you?

Not a whole lot happened this week, so we’ll recap the episode character by character:

Cora’s Lady’s Maid Struggles

After ho-bag Edna got the heave-ho last week, Cora’s got a new lady’s maid in town, Miss Baxter. She’s mysterious. She knows how to use a sewing machine. She smiled at Daisy. She might be normal. How in the world did she get hired? I was beginning to think that Lady Grantham had finally shaken her magpie-like quality for collecting sociopaths to make her breakfast, when it is revealed that Baxter is in the clutches of Thomas! Her praising of America and poor dead Lady Sybil were all part of a plot to win her ladyship’s trust. Why? Because everyone downstairs has figured out that being in the company of hordes of demons is more tolerable than two seconds with Thomas, no one tells him anything anymore, and so he has no leverage for his evil schemes. Enter Miss Baxter, Thomas’s new eyes and ears in the house. Yikes.

Edith

The mail has arrived and recently de-flowered but no less pathetic Edith is anxiously awaiting the arrival of correspondence from Michael Gregson, who has departed for Germany. Alas, nothing has arrived for her. Cora suggests that maybe he is busy. Yeah he’s busy! Busy HEIL-ing! Edith also goes up to London under the guise of “visiting Michael’s office,” but pulls up to a doctor’s office instead. I can’t imagine what that’s about.

Mary

Mary is relaxing in the library, when in walks Mr. Evelyn Napier, who, if we all remember, introduced Mary to Mr. Pamuk (a.k.a. the one who died mid-coitus) during season 1. He apologizes for the “whole ghastly business” about Matthew (I wish Dan Stevens would), and tells her that he’s in Yorkshire doing research on whether or not estates like Downton are doing well after the war. Mary volunteers to house Mr. Napier and his boss, Charles Blake, while they are visiting. Geez, Mary, you just turned down a proposal last week, and now you’re welcoming in two new guys? Daisy is going to give you the “Ivy’s Easy” badge any day now.

Bates and Anna

 Anna is continuing to hold Bates at arms’ length, and Bates is visibly shaken. He continues to try to find out what is troubling his wife, but Anna, a master at avoidance behavior, won’t say a word. Naturally, Bates decides that it is time to take desperate measures and, because he knows Mrs. Hughes is a BAMF and everyone tells her everything (and also because he heard she and Anna talking), decides to ask Mrs. Hughes what happened. Mrs. Hughes bristles at the idea at first, but when Mr. Bates threatens to quit because Anna no longer loves him, the truth is revealed. Anna was raped. Mr. Green did it. Mr. Bates tells Anna he knows, and although Anna is upset, they are both grateful that it is out in the open. Mr. Bates continues to be the most unconventionally attractive man on television when he tells Anna that despite her suffering, he has “never loved her more than he does in this moment.” AUGH! Mr. Bates, you slay me. Oh, and also, he’s going to hunt the man down and kill him. Or at least, that’s what was implied when he told Mrs. Hughes this “wasn’t over.”

Other Storylines

 - All of the Grantham women discuss plans for Robert’s birthday. Mary suggests a party to cheer themselves up (from what? Rejecting proposals from decent and attractive men? Having sex with someone dumb enough to become a German citizen? Dancing with a black guy?). Rose has volunteered to plan the party, which probably means that all members of the Crawley family should dust off their togas. The party is apparently happening in next week’s episode, so I guess we have that to look forward to.

 - (Eeyore) Molesly was offered a footman job by Carson, who was looking to replace Alfred if Alfred got accepted to cooking school. Molesly, who is apparently still operating under the misapprehension that he could mope around somewhere better, doesn’t want the job (much to the hilarious dismay of Carson) until it’s too late. Alfred didn’t get in to cooking school, so I guess it’s back to mending roads for you Eeyore. 

 - Mrs. Patmore doesn’t want to get a refrigerator, but she does fancy being able to get rid of her corset in these newfangled times.

S@#% the Dowager Countess Said:

“I wonder your halo doesn’t grow heavy. You must feel you’re wearing a tiara round the clock” – Violet on Isobel’s do-gooder activities

“The last thing we need is a poet in the family. The only poet peer I am familiar with is Lord Byron, and I presume we all know how that ended” – Violet on Robert’s too-eloquent speech

“Wars have been waged with less fervor. Nobody cares about anything as much as you do.” – Violet on Isobel’s never-say-die attitude

Until next week! 

El Bachelor, week 3!

EL BACHELOR, Week 3!

I don’t know about you fellow Rose Enthusiasts, but after last week, I am emotionally spent! But, not being one to turn down the “most awkward kiss in Bachelor history,” I press on!

Our dapper host, Chris Harrison, visits the “ladies” at the mansh, telling them that there will be three dates this week (duh!), two one-on-ones and a group date, and that roses will be available on all three (double duh!). Thanks, Harrison. The usual trash-mouthing occurs about who is or is not going to be on the dates, but that all ends when it is revealed that going on the first date this week is . . . Cassandra!

The date card reads “Love is a wild ride!” so naturally, the girls conclude that Juan Pablo and Cassandra are going on a safari (sure you are). We get a sound byte from Renee reminding us that she and Cassandra are both single parents, and that JP had better not waste their time (um, but he is).  There is also heavy foreshadowing (?) during JPab’s segment, making sure to remind the audience that he will be sending Cassandra home immediately if he’s not feeling it. I’m curious to see what exactly that means, since JP’s “screening process” so far has been whether or not the girls have an ample bosom and/or enough junk in the trunk to tap-tap-tap on. But whatever. Good luck, Cassandra!

Cassandra arrives in a parking lot, where a tricked out Hummer is parked. “Are we driving that??” shrieks Cassandra. Nope. JPab will be taking you around in a Toyota Corrolla. Of course you are driving that, dummy! The two arrive at a marina, where Juan Pablo proceeds to drive the car RIGHT INTO THE WATER, and Cassandra is LOVING it. But seriously, who is this guy? Latin Batman?

After tooling around in the water car for awhile, the two pull up to the Bachelor yacht, where Cassandra declares that she is ready to “jump in!” with JP, right before the two make the token plunge off the side of the boat into the water. How symbolic. (Side note: I wonder how it’s possible that with all of these boat jumps every season, not one of the people on this program has died of Carbon Monoxide poisoning?) There is some water frolicking, and, of course, the two manage to latch on to the side of the boat and make out. You know, the general screening process you want to check off to see if you are doing the right thing by keeping a mother away from her son. 

Despite this, when the twosome arrives at the dinner destination, JP tells the camera that he is going to “have to think about” whether or not Cassandra is getting the rose. So far, we have seen exactly none of their conversations, so it’s anyone’s guess where this is going. JPabs shows Cassandra how to make pasta, and then, in the name of “making her more comfortable” (suuuuuure) the two begin a slightly uncomfortable salsa dance, which includes some leg tangling and JPabs singing to himself. Yeesh.

After the dancing, Cassandra and JPabs have dinner poolside, where we are reminded for the umpteenth time that Cassandra hasn’t been on a date in three years (since she was 18!). Um, call me in another 8 years, Cassandra, and see how awful that is then. Anyway, it sounds like Cassandra seems to be into JP, but because we have to keep everyone guessing, JP is sounding a bit non-committal in his confessional, saying even though Cassandra is “beyoooootiful,“ he has “a lot of things in his mind.” After what is probably intended to be a fake break-up . . . Cassandra gets the rose! What a let down!

The next date card has arrived, and the ladies that will be “kicking it” on the group date are Kelly, Renee, Sharleen, Danielle, Alli, Lauren, Kristi, Andi, Boobs McGee and Nikki, which leaves Chelsie and Elise to fight over the one-on-one date.

The “ladies” show up at a soccer stadium, where they will be facing off for the right to be ogled and humiliated by doing something they are clearly not prepared for. But first, they must practice! Most of them are pretty terrible, which should make the forthcoming game much more interesting.  Not a whole lot happens during the game except that Sharleen got hit in the face a few (dozen) times. The Red Team basically dominates the Blue team, but since everyone gets to go to the after-party, who really cares?

Meanwhile, the four ladies left behind at the mansh await the arrival of the final date card for this week, which goes to . . . . Chelsie! Elise makes a face akin to someone who has just been bitten by a rabid raccoon, and in the true spirit of sportsmanship, declares Chelsie, “a baby” and announces that she’s not sure Juan Pablo is looking to find “another daughter.” The Maturity Train called, Elise, and your ticket has been misplaced.  

Back on the group date, the girls hypothesize about who is going to get the group date rose, but Nikki and Andi appear to be the front runners, since they are the only two that have had their conversations shown so far (Andi also locked lips with JP in the kitchen, so slight edge?).  In what I’m sure is no accidental move on the part of the producers, Sharleen and JPabs make their way to the middle of the soccer field for their one-on-one time, which is – not coincidentally – right in the eye-line of the “ladies!” Ooooooh! The ish is going to go down! Yup, right on schedule, Sharleen and JPabs start making out (I’ve seen giraffes use less tongue than Sharleen. Rein it in, girl), and the girls start freaking out, especially Andi, who is not impressed by JPab’s willingness to make out with her and then make out with someone else (has she seen the show??). Even though he swapped spit with Andi and Sharleen, the rose goes to …. Nikki!

Next up, JPabs and Chelsie head out on their date, for which the card read, “Do you trust me?” Oh no. Here we go again. Some sort of trust metaphor date. Yup, as predicted, JPabs and Chelsie will be bungee jumping! But before we get into the 20 minutes (!!!!!!!) of will-she-jump-or-not-thank-god-she-is-scared-of-heights footage, can I just say that I have never seen a Bachelor or Bachelorette try so hard NOT to talk to the people they are on dates with. The minute Chelsie gets in the car, JPabs cranks up the Spanish music, and they start car dancing all the way to the bridge.

The entire bridge date is basically just an opportunity for JPabs to hug up on Chelsie, trying to talk her into jumping off the bridge. I’m sorry but, saying things like, “it’s going to be ok, I’m here, etc.” are NOT GOING TO KEEP YOU BOTH FROM HAVING YOUR HEADS SPLATTERED OPEN, but this is neither here nor there. Chelsie eventually makes it off the bridge, they make out while they are upside down, and the two are whisked off for a concert by Billy Currington (fairly apropos, since 90% of his songs are about how great being drunk is). No surprise, Chelsie gets the rose. It would be a pretty douchey move to make her jump off the bridge and then send her packing. Plus, she has boobs, so, you know, there’s that.

The next morning, JPabs decides that it would be a great idea to surprise the “ladies” by sneak attacking them in the morning before they are up, so he can, no doubt, see which ones still look good without makeup. When everyone calms down, it is announced to everyone that instead of having the traditional cocktail party, they will be having a pool party instead! Gotta hand it to JPabs! I’m pretty sure his synapses are crossed (if they are firing at all), but he knows enough to make sure he gets to see everyone stripped down so he can make an informed decision about which ones to keep.

The girls decide to crap on Kat during the pool party because she’s “trying too hard.” I have to admit, making sure that your crotch is around JPabs neck for 20 minutes isn’t exactly subtle, Kat. Calm it down. Crotch-gate really upsets Sharleen, who begins weeping about “all of the cameras are everywhere.” (ummmm) To reassure her, JPabs makes out with her again, which I seriously do not get. Sharleen is like the most awkward person on the show. That giraffe tongue of hers must be magical. In turn, Clare, who went on a date last week, sees all of this necking, and corners JPabs and tells him that she’s “not jealous” but “wishes it was her” going on all the dates. Check the Webster’s, Clare, because I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what jealousy is.

In the end, it’s Christy (who?) and Boobs McGee who get the heave-ho. I’m sure the producers are pretty upset about not having to bust out the censor bar again, but that was probably too good to be true anyway.

Next week, JPabs and the “ladies” are off to South Korea, which should be pretty excellent, since JPabs can barely speak English (or at all, really), so seeing him in a foreign country should be pretty rich. See you next week, Rose Enthusiasts!