As we all know, this season’s “lucky” woman is Emily Maynard, recent ex of two-time Bachelor Brad “I have as much personality as dried foliage” Womack. She has a daughter, Ricki, whose father, Emily’s fiancé, died in a plane crash. Of course, why anyone would think that they could find someone to potentially, you know, help PARENT THEIR CHILD on a reality show is a mystery left up to scholars investigating Tupac’s murder, but this is neither here nor there. We know that the potential parenting situation is going to come up ad nauseum this season (shots every time someone brings it up?). I’m sure we can also expect a reasonable amount of discussion about “journeys” and “choices” and “opening up.” And I CANNOT WAIT.
Enter our dapper host, Chris Harrison, to set up the journey (drink!), and introduce us to the twenty-five “gentlemen”. Here are some snap judgments.
Kalon, 27, is a luxury brand consultant (really? That’s a job?) from Houston, TX. He shops for a suit while discussing his former life as a womanizer. Points for dropping the V-word (“vulnerability” [drink!], you nasties) in the first 20 seconds.
Ryan, 31, is a former pro-football player and current tire lifter (those kids were really impressed with your strength) from Georgia. Look at him sitting on a cliff with his dog. Metaphor?
Tony, 31, is a lumber trader. What? The poor guy arbitrarily declares, “This is a great batch we got here!” at a palette of wood. He has a kid, loves to work out, and has a sole patch. What has two thumbs and is going to marry, Emily? “This guy!” declares Tony. 2005 called . . .
Lerone, 29, is our token black man this season. He is a real estate consultant, which, according to his film, involves making cell phone calls outside tall buildings. And he owns a . . . Chihuahua? Anyone else getting gay vibes from this fool?
David, 33, cocky singer/songwriter from New York. He’s been writing songs about trying to find true love. Yeah, you and about 75% of the population. Words he used during his reel: “quintessence”, “disparate”, “facets”, “ineffable”, “converge”. Words I use to describe David: “douche” “canoe.”
Charlie, 32, is recovering from a traumatic brain injury. And he gets points for his ADORABLE bulldog. I’ll pick him as my favorite for right now.
Jef (that’s not a typo . .) is from Salt Lake City. Intial thoughts? Holy pompadour, Batman! He looks like a cross between Kenickie and Vanilla Ice. It was so distracting, I have no idea what else he said.
Arie, 30, is a race car driver, and hails from Scottsdale. As he looks out his balcony overlooking Fashion Square, he wonders if it will be too painful for Emily to give him a chance because her late fiancé also raced cars.
Because these eight are apparently the only ones interesting enough to show footage of, we press on to the first cocktail party. As our fearless leader debriefs Emily, she voices her fears about putting herself back out there, and mentions Brad a few times, blah, blah, blah. Let’s get to it!
A myriad of indistinguishable white men show up. Those not deemed interesting enough for a full “get to know you” package are Sean, a hugger from Texas. Doug asks about Ricki, and discusses his son. Jackson, a fitness model (??) turns up the cheeseball factor by declaring this a “moment to take your breath away.” Joe might have epilepsy. Or maybe he just peed his pants in the limo? Kyle stutters like a seventh grade boy, but Emily likes his tie. Chris tells Emily that he’s going to follow his heart.
On the creepy scale, we have Aaron, who has adorkable glasses and is apparently a high school biology teacher (please. I have never seen anyone that good looking working in a school. Much less teaching science). He whips his glasses off and declares, “I’m here to have chemistry with you!” Interesting. “You’re real!” declares Alessandro, who, besides needing a haircut, looks genuinely surprised that Emily isn’t related to Pinocchio.
Award for the second cockiest entrance of the night, however, goes to Jef “Vanilla Ice”, who skateboarded up, tossed the skateboard into a bush, and strutted his way up the steps. Meanwhile, Stevie, rolls up with his boom box and attempts to dazzle Emily with some sweet dance moves. Tony, brings a glass slipper while silly music plays in the background, and declares that he has found his princess.
In WTF territory, we have Randy, who showed up dressed as a . . . grandma? I guess if you want to go with that curmudgeonly adorable vibe? Aaron smells really good, and Emily thinks he’s cute. Brent is wearing a nametag (not a bad idea, since we probably won’t see him again, much less remember his name). Next, we have Travis, who shows up with an egg, as a symbol of how well he will take care of Emily and Ricki. Emily receives a guitar pick from Austin, who looks like a clean-shaven Jesus. A guy from Colombia claims to be a mushroom farmer (…). But at least he can compliment someone in Spanish.
The parade of chiseled features continues, and ends with someone in a . . . helicopter? Did they watch last season of the Bachelor and want to top Lindzi’s entrance on a horse? Oh. It’s Kalon, our friend the luxury brand consultant. “Toolbag!” declares everyone. He makes a beeline for the bar almost immediately, and we are FINALLY done with the intros. Harrison reminds Emily about the first-impression rose and lets her loose on the men.
After the initial introduction, Chris corners Emily with bobble-heads he had created of the two of them. Because that’s not creepy. They then proceed to make them talk to each other. While this goes down, everyone makes fun of Travis’s high school child development class project, the egg. Doug brings out the big guns and brings a note from his son to Emily, talking up his dad. It was adorable. I loved it. It’s manipulative, but who cares?
DUN DUN DUN! Chris Harrison enters with the first impression rose (Kalon really wants it, but he’s used to people thinking his a tool), which goes to … DOUG! I like that guy. I’m totally down with his getting the rose. Way to go for the gut, man.
The Rose Ceremony is upon us. Moving on to next week’s potential humiliation are Chris, Ryan, Kalon (that whooshing sound you hear is team Bachelorette’s sigh of relief that this jerkoff made it through), Arie, Charlie (yay!), Pompadour Jef, Nate, Sean, Joe, Kyle, Aaron, Alejandro the mushroom guy, John, Alessandro-needs-a-haircut, Michael, Stevie, Tony, and Travis the mighty egg protector. Noticeably absent are Lenore the black man, Brent with six kids, David with the vocabulary, and a few others.
The preview of Emily’s adventures includes answers to the following questions. Do men enjoy yelling? Yes. Will she kiss more than one guy? Of course. Is Ricki freaking adorable? Absolutely. Is Kalon going to be a huge a**hole? HELL YEAH. Will the men defend her? I hope so. Will there be tears? Indubitably. But we all have to take a leap of faith, Rose Enthusiasts! So let’s enjoy this season of The Bachelorette!