Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Anna is continuing to hold Bates at arms’ length, and Bates is visibly shaken. He continues to try to find out what is troubling his wife, but Anna, a master at avoidance behavior, won’t say a word. Naturally, Bates decides that it is time to take desperate measures and, because he knows Mrs. Hughes is a BAMF and everyone tells her everything (and also because he heard she and Anna talking), decides to ask Mrs. Hughes what happened. Mrs. Hughes bristles at the idea at first, but when Mr. Bates threatens to quit because Anna no longer loves him, the truth is revealed. Anna was raped. Mr. Green did it. Mr. Bates tells Anna he knows, and although Anna is upset, they are both grateful that it is out in the open. Mr. Bates continues to be the most unconventionally attractive man on television when he tells Anna that despite her suffering, he has “never loved her more than he does in this moment.” AUGH! Mr. Bates, you slay me. Oh, and also, he’s going to hunt the man down and kill him. Or at least, that’s what was implied when he told Mrs. Hughes this “wasn’t over.”
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Down in the kitchen, Ivy has been trusted with making a hollandaise. Oooooh. Nothing good can come of this. Jimmy decides to sample it, and says it’s awful. He confides in Ivy that he would like to spend his life being a lethario, while dancing Ivy around the kitchen. Alfred, Daisy, and Mrs. Patmore return and walk in on this. Alfred tells Jimmy to stop being such a whore, and Mrs. Patmore and Alfred compliment Ivy on her hollandaise. Daisy declares, “It’s not like it’s hard!” Mrs. Patmore is unhappy with Daisy’s attitude, reminding her that Ivy is a beginner. Daisy shoots Ivy a look of pure hatred and deadpans, “but Ivy moves so fast for a beginner.” Hope you’ve got some ice to go with that burn, Ivy! But seriously, you probably should keep your hands off Jimmy in the kitchen. Mrs. Patmore isn’t running a brothel.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Lady Mary and Lord "Hottie" Gillingham:
Lord Gillingham: Do you remember me?
Mary: I spilled ice cream on myself at your house once.
Lord Gillingham: Nice. So, even though everyone knows your husband died, are you married?
Mary: R U Serious?
Lord G: Sorry. I’m tactless. But you’re pretty good looking. Also, I might have a fiance. But the arrangement is flexible.
- LATER THAT NIGHT -
Lord G: Let’s go riding. On horses I mean.
Lady Mary: I guess. It’s time I got back in the saddle. Surely I’ll be stiff tomorrow. From the horse riding.
- THEY GO RIDING -
Lord G: Get over Matthew and date me already.
Lady M: Now that Matthew's dead, I'm back to being pretty much a total biotch. Give me time to enjoy that, please.
Lord G: That guy was so lucky.
Lord G: You should stand up to your father, you know.
Lady M: Thanks for your support.
Lord G: I mean, I think you’re super hot, so really, whatever is going to help me get into your petticoats.
- AFTER DINNER -
Lord G: Let’s dance.
- INSERT MATTHEW'S GRAMOPHONE, HARBINGER OF MEMORIES -
Lady M: No thanks.
- THE NEXT DAY -
Lord G: Let’s go out next time we’re in London.
Lady M: Don’t you have a girlfriend? I don’t think so, but thanks for the ego-boost, peasant.
Lady Edith and Michael "I look like a Keebler Elf" Gregson:
Gregson: I am learning German.
Edith: I am so freaking impressed.
Gregson: I know. Joining up with eventual Nazis is so romantic.
Lord Grantham and the men lose money to Lord Gillingham's shady friend:
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
We open the season premiere with a bit of J Pab's life in Miami, where he plays shirtless volleyball with hotties, cavorts with athletes, works on his fitness on beaches, takes solo walks in parks, waves to his minions, you know, regular stuff. We also get to see his daughter Cameeeela, who hopefully is young enough not to be permanently damaged by living with her dad in the Bachelor house.
Former Bachelor Sean also makes an appearance early in the episode, just happening to walk over a hill and right into the yard where JPabs and Camila are having some
producer structured quality time. Sean's advice? Don't kiss the girls in front of the other girls. Thanks, Sean. We are then blessed (?) by some gratuitous footage of Juan Pablo showering before making his way to the mansion for the intros.
Chris Harrison is waiting for us at the mansh, and tells us again how much we all love Juan Pablo. So much, in fact, that they added TWO extra girls to the mix, bringing the quota of the emotionally damaged to 27!
SOME SUPERLATIVES TO DESCRIBE THIS YEAR'S BATCH OF "LADIES"
Creepiest Creepster: Amy J, Massage Therapist. Not only was her intro tape one of the most disturbing I have ever seen on this program, she attempts to give Juan Pablo a massage in the driveway of the mansion, including oils, which she spread all over his tux. Way to go, weirdo.
Oldest Looking Young Person: Lauren, "Pug-Face" H, who meets this season's emotional damage quota all by herself. Not only does she look like she is 40 (she's 25), but she proceeds to weep all the way through the cocktail party about how "over" her last relationship she is while simultaneously dragging all of the other "ladies" into her emotional mess.
Most likely to make everyone in the house contract fungus: Self-proclaimed "free spirit" Lucy, who showed up in a dress made of a sheet and a pair of the sickest bare feet I've seen since the last time I wore any of the shoes I owned and wore without socks while attending NAU. And all God's hookworms said, "Amen."
Not Here to Make Friends Award: "Pretty girl" Valerie, who tells her pet goats that "ugly people need love too."
Way too good to be on this suck-fest: Lacy, who owns a nursing home. They showed her helping all of her patients and special-needs relatives, and it was truly a little inspiring, until I remembered what program I was watching. Then I just felt sad for her.
Don't let the producers manipulate you award: Clare, whose late father made a DVD for her future husband. Please Clare, please. Don't show this to JPabs. Please. For me. Clare also gets "strangest limo gag" by showing up pretending to be pregnant, demonstrating to Juan Pablo her eagerness to have children. Fatal attraction called...
Awkwardest Limo Convo: Cassandra, who says "Oooook. Nice to meet you" and then awkwardly stumbles into the house. If I were much thinner, this was pretty much exactly how my foray into being on the Bachelor would surely go. I feel for ya, Cassandra.
Best "Accidental" Cleavage Grope: Pediatric nurse Nikki, who brings a stethoscope so JPabs can "feel how her heart was beating." Conveniently, this also involved his having to put his hand smack in the middle of her deeeep V. Well played, Nikki. Well played.
Crazy Eyes Award: "Dog Lover" Kelly, who got out of the limo looking like a crack-enhanced Kathie Lee Gifford. She also brought her dog Molly with her, which was probably good, since Kelly appeared to get lost on her way into the door.
Best Almost-Rejection of the First Impression Rose: Sharleen, who, when Juan Pablo bestows the night's highest honor on her, takes a full sixty seconds to respond before saying, "Sure. Yeah. Sure," in a tone that made Ben Stein sound enthusiastic. Burrrrrn. Thankfully, Juan Pablo doesn't seem to pick up on this. "I know she's going to sleep well tonight," he declares. Oh, honey. It's a good thing you're pretty.
And finally, the best thing that ever happened in the history of ever during the rose ceremony since Jesse called the wrong name on night one many seasons ago: Kylie, who when Juan Pablo calls Kat's name, proceeds to march forward to get her rose. Because it's too good to miss, here's Yahoo's coverage of the glory.
Ouch. Sorry Kylie.
That's it for this week, Rose Lovers! I think this season is going to be a delicious wreck, don't you?
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Questions I needed answers to at the end of last season:
1) What was the show going to do without Matthew, and the Matthew/Mary relationship?
A: Turn Mary into Morticia Addams, apparently. When we pick up in the first episode, six months after Matthew was
bitten by the Hollywood bug killed in a car accident, Mary is practically comatose, and wearing a fine variety of death shrouds. She is sending Anna off to wait on her mother because "she isn't going to be taking long trips" and calling her child a "poor orphan" while she stares at the floor. Lord Grantham is only too pleased to let this carry on, because, as George's guardian (and heir to the estate), Mary has some stake in the running of Downton. As we saw last season, Lord Grantham, while perfectly happy to accept the unconventional sexual behavior of his under butler, cannot fathom a new way of doing anything at Downton. Now that Matthew is dead, he would like to be left alone to let the estate go bankrupt under his poor management, thank you. Basically, Robert sucks. We all know Robert sucks. Thankfully, the family, led by the Dowager, also thinks Robert's attitude sucks. Branson enlists Carson to talk some sense into Lady Mary, and get her to join "the land of the living." Mary, on the other hand, won't be persuaded until the Dowager lays it down for her (and even drops the "L" word!) and tells her to take charge of her life. So, we end the first hour with Mary almost back in the saddle. Emotionally bruised, yes, but at least ready to be distracted from grief. Frankly, I'm glad that Lady Mary isn't recovering quickly from Matthew's death. I mean, I'm not sure I'm emotionally recovered from it. But, judging from the previews for next week, she's going to have to recover fast, because there's a new hottie in town, Lord Anthony Gillingham! I smell a one-sided love-affair!
2) Why do Lady Edith, Molesly, and Daisy continually get dumped on?
A: Schadenfreude? These three just can't catch a break!
a. Daisy is still in love with Alfred, who is still in love with Ivy, who is still in love with Jimmy, who is still in love with Jimmy. It's Valentine's Day in the first episode, and Daisy receives a card not from Alfred but from Mrs. Patmore, who didn't want her to feel bad about being the kitchen reject. Poor girl! First she had Thomas pretending to like her, William, who died, and now this? And judging from the looks of things, Alfred is not going to be changing his mind anytime soon. Give Daisy a boyfriend!
b. Continual sad-sack Molesly, who besides looking like Charlie Brown, has been left without a job due to Matthew's untimely passing and evicted from the house by Carson, who says they can't afford to keep him around. The Dowager feels sorry for him and tries to "audition" him for butler for a friend, but he is sabotaged by the Dowager's butler (Stames? Stubbs? Whatever his name is) and is forced to move back home with his father, who, incidentally, seems to have way better social skills than his son, and dig ditches. Thankfully, Mr. Bates and Anna decide to take compassion on him and lend him some money, but geeeeez. Molesly's luck makes the sinking of the Titanic seem like a great party topped off with a sea-salt scrub.
c. We also have
Jane Eyre Edith, who after the Anthony Strallan disaster last season, immediately took up with newspaper man Michael Gregson, who would marry her, except for his insane wife from whom he cannot procure a divorce. Now, any smart person would run in the other direction, but since Edith is apparently a glutton for punishment, and the most pathetic virgin on television, she is jumping on in. Gregson suggests becoming a German citizen so he can get divorced, and she's totally on board. A German citizen? GERMAN. CITIZEN. Who sees this ending well? Why can't she ever get with someone normal? It's not enough to be the ugliest of your siblings and to be left at the altar, and have your father not want you to write editorials and being generally unpleasant? You have to have your boyfriend be willing to join up with the most hated nation in Europe? UGH. EDITH. Why you so stupid?
3) Are Mrs. Hughes and Mr. Carson EVER going to get together?
A: Probably not, but I'm still holding out hope. Those two are so secretly into each other!
There's much more to say, but, if you're still reading, I'd like to keep it that way, so it's time for everyone's favorite segment: "S@#% the Dowager Countess Says!"
"It is at times like these when I am tempted to ring for nanny, and have you put to bed with no supper!" - on Robert's perceived ousting of Mary from the runnings of Downton
"Who are we to warrant any courtesy?" - on the audacity of Lady Edith not to change before joining the ladies in the sitting room
"Just because you're a widow, I see no necessity to eat off a tray!" - on Isobel's lonely life
And the ZINGER of the night: "I see I'm beaten, but I do sympathize with King Canute!" - on whether or not to call Branson "Branson" or "Tom"
2) Did dishes.
4) Crocheted a hat.
5) Watched the feature commentary on The Sound of Music (again)
6) Watched 48 Hours
7) Crocheted another hat.
8) Made a video about how I ran over my jacket with the car to get the tag off.
9) Cleaned the garage.
10) Watched the feature commentary on Mary Poppins (again)
11) Threw away old food
12) Cleaned Dexter's water dish with vinegar.
13) Wrote a blog.
on incredibly reputable sites the entire fourth series of Downton Abbey
15) Watched the feature commentary on When Harry Met Sally . . . (again)
16) Started crocheting another hat, but ran out of gray yarn.
17) Watched the feature commentary on Sleepless in Seattle (again)
18) Had an insanely long text conversation with Krista Hansen
19) Wrote another blog
20) Read Paper Towns by John Green
21) Hung up all of my clothes
22) Read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
23) Put a bunch of crap in my Amazon shopping cart, but haven't bought anything
24) Watched the feature commentary on Julie & Julia
25) Wondered if I'll ever get my writing voice as great as Nora Ephron, after watching three feature commentaries with her (answer: unlikely)
26) Watched the last five episodes of Parenthood. Made new resolution to be Lauren Graham.
27) Wrote this list
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
A comprehensive list of what movies I watch for each American holiday
1) New Years Eve - When Harry Met Sally . . . (because Auld Lang Syne)
2) Martin Luther King Day - Remember the Titans (because racism)
3) Valentine's Day - Sleepless in Seattle (because An Affair to Remember)
4) Presidents' Day - I couldn't come up with anything good.
5) Easter - The Sound of Music
6) Earth Day - Wall-E (because Earth is dead)
7) First Day of Summer Vacation - Now and Then (takes place at the beginning of summer)
8) Fourth of July - Men in Black (Independence Day is too cliche, but Will Smith protecting America is not)
9) Last Day of Summer Vacation - Stand by Me (takes place on the last weekend of Summer)
8) Columbus Day - A completely useless movie, just like this holiday.
9) Halloween - Psycho (because serial killers)
10) Thanksgiving - All episodes of Friends that involve Thanksgiving. Not a movie, but the only example of pop culture that cares about Thanksgiving.
11) Christmas - There isn't a single right movie here. Except Elf. Elf sucks (yeah yeah, I am the only one who thinks so, whatever)