JUAN PABLO! I HOPE HE DIES!

We are back for another week of JPab’s “adventura,” and things are looking delightfully dramatic as we head into week two! This week, we have the first one-on-one date to look forward to, as well as maybe trying to see if Juan Pablo can string a sentence together! 

We open on a group of the “ladies” discussing the fact that Clare has gotten the first date card. Apparently, it wasn’t important enough to show the actual arrival of the date card except in the preview (was it the preview? Did I miss something?) so, yeah…. Clare discusses how a few months ago she was really scraping the bottom of the barrel, getting herself dinner, and going to the store, you know, all of the things we single losers are stuck doing. Thank goodness the date card has basically rescued her from her drab existence. Sounds like you really had it rough, Clare.

JPabs arrives, everyone primps, and Clare is whisked away. “Being El Bachelor has made me give a lot of surprises,” declares JPabs as he blindfolds his date and places her into a car. “I wish I was wearing that blindfold!” cries Chelsie. Really? You want to be blindfolded and taken to a second location by a stranger? To each her own, I guess. Everyone teems with jealousy as they wave goodbye.

When we arrive on the date, after some commentary about how great Juan Pablo smells, JPabs asks Clare to jump on top of him. Whoa. Slow it down, buddy! You just got there! Save those mounting muscles for the fantasy suite. JP carries Clare through some snow, and when he takes her blindfold off, Clare is dumbfounded at how beautiful the producer created winter wonderland is. “There is snow, and we are in LOS ANGELES!” says a dumbfounded Clare. The two frolic about, sledding, giggling, touching, etc.

Back at the mansh, the “ladies” discuss the possibilities of the outcome of the date, but, oh, I’m sorry, what was that? I was distracted by hookworm-host Lucy’s bare breasts hot-tubbing it with the rest of the (blessedly clothed) “ladies.” “I want the group date!” she announces. “I don’t think I’ll go unnoticed!”  (was she trying to be ironic?) Kat gives Lucy a look reminiscent of the look Michelle Obama gave Barack when he was taking selfies at Nelson Mandela’s funeral, and the producers are reminded to truck another round of penicillin and Valtrex to the house.  

Back on the one-on-one, Clare has already used the words “vulnerable,” “put myself out there,” and “ haven’t felt this way in a long time” and it’s only 8 minutes into the episode. This date must not have been that great, because all we hear during the entire ice-skating montage is Clare’s confessional interview, and not a word from JPabs

Next thing we know, Clare and JPabs are in the hot tub, and Clare can hardly control herself. “I just loved watching him slither into the hot tub,” she gushes. Are you auditioning husbands or swimsuit models, Clare? Hmmm? Anyway, she proceeds to give JPabs a back massage while telling him about her deceased father. I gotta tell you Clare, though my experience with men in hot tubs is lacking, I’m pretty sure that the best time to tell him something important about you is not when you are rubbing your hands all over his back. Just a thought. Anyway, she tells JPabs how much she can’t find the right guy to replace her dad, blah blah. She also uses the first “location/love” metaphor of the season, telling him how after her dad died, she turned into an “ice queen.” Ooooh. Well done. JPabs is understanding, in fact, so understanding that he doesn’t say anything. But, she gets the rose anyway. “Come in here!” Clare demands, and with rose in hand, she throws herself at him, tells him he “tastes like snow” (so..bland and woody?) and the make out scene that follows is pretty uncomfortable. Then they are treated to a snow-side concert from Josh Krajcik, and there is more uncomfortable making out, this time with Clare pressed up against Juan Pablo like she’s fondant in a pasta press, and he’s dropping a beat on her butt. We are right on schedule. 

The next day, we get another one-on-one date, this time with Kat! “Feel the electricity!” reads the date card. A few minutes later, she and JPabs pull up to an airport. Yes! Private jet time! Once again, Kat forgets where she is and who really planned the date and says, “I can totally see myself being with someone who plans surprises like this!” and that she’s “dreaming of jet-setting with her Latin lover.” Go home with the producer, Kat. But, it’s really sweet that you think JPabs can afford that.

JPabs dresses Kat in a neon running outfit, and they appear to head out to some sort of rave. I hope JPab remembered the Molly! But alas, it is not a rave, but the start of an electric 5K in Salt Lake City, UT! Let me just say that if anyone, ANYONE, took me on a date to run a 5K, I’d straight up cut them. But, this is the Bachelor, so what’s more romantic than working on your fitness together!? Besides, I’m sure they each need to find out whether or not the other is in good enough shape to be seen in public. “This is the perfect date for me and for Kat!” says JPabs, which I took to mean that he didn’t want to hear her speak at all, because the house music being played during the 5K was ridonnnnkulously loud. All the better to see that body move and not be distracted by words. Amiright!? He must have decided that she passed whatever test this was, because Kat gets the rose!

We then pick up later in the week, where Chelsie, Renee, Chantel, Boobs McGee, Kelly, Andi, Victoria, Lauren S, Elise, Alli, Nikki, and Cassandra will be participating in the group date. Kelly is confused about the date card, which says “Say Cheese!” “Maybe it’s a photo shoot, but it could just be eating cheese. I’m good at both, so…” were her actual words. Oh, please be the latter. “This might turn into a horror show,” says Victoria, right before Lucy flashes the camera again. That censor bar is having the best week ever.

When we arrive at the location, JPabs and the girls shimmy into a warehouse, which is set up for a photo shoot! A rack of very tiny bikinis floats by, and we find out that today, JPabs and the girls will be posing with rescue dogs for Models and Mutts, which raises money and awareness for dog rescues.

Lucy gets a very modest fire hydrant costume, which she is, understandably, unhappy with. But fortunately Elise is uncomfortable with her assigned nude photo shoot, and Lucy is more than willing to switch with her! How convenient. Props to Elise though, who doesn’t think it’s a good idea to pose nude when she’s a first grade teacher. Too bad she didn’t use that same logic when deciding to become a contestant on this program, but whatever. It’s sort of growth, right? In the meantime, Andi is also uncomfortable with being asked to pose nude, but good news! JPabs is going to take one for the team and get naked too! He tells her not to panic, because obviously, he wants to see her naked. But he manages to make it sound sort of classy. I don’t believe for a second that he was actually naked. There’s no way the producers would just let him give that away for free.

After the shoot, we reconvene on the rooftop pool, where the animals will hunt their prey. Cassandra gets her one-on-one first, and she breaks the news to JPabs that she has a son, who takes it gracefully. Renee is next, and the two bond over their parenting, while Renee attempts to get JPabs to kiss her, but with no luck. In the meantime, Victoria has taken the producers’ bait and has made her way through several glasses of wine. Nikki tells her that she probably needs to tone it down with the alcohol, but Victoria insists that she can’t be hammered, “she just got there!” “This is how I am sober! I’m just fun sober!” she drawls. Her confessional is pretty much golden, and she declares that if she emerges the “winner” she will be “straddling Juan Pablo like errrrrrry dayyyyy” because that’s what life is about, straddling people and things (her words). She also introduces us to a new life-saving technique, “the hymen maneuver” which she apparently performed on Juan Pablo at the photo shoot (LOL). Eventually, she interrupts Nikki’s one-on-one time with Juan Pablo by walking up and down in front of them. That’ll show ‘em! Victoria ends up in the bathroom, weeping on the floor while Renee attempts to comfort her. But her efforts are fruitless, and Victoria declares that she’s “DONE! GOING HOME!” and that she “JUST CAN’T DEAL WITH THE F***ING GIRLS ANYMORE!” She doesn’t even wait for the producers to call her the reject van, and tries to run off without shoes. After a producer stops her from jumping into oncoming traffic, she makes her way back to the bathroom floor, where she screams, “JUAN PABLO! I HOPE HE DIEEEEEEEEEEEES!” Yikes. After all of this, JPabs still has a rose to give out, and the rose goes to …. Kelly! Because the “best sport she was.” Thanks, Yoda.

The next day, JPabs visits Victoria at a second location, where he very gracefully tells her to get lost. Bye, Victoria! With all of this, I’m not even sure I can handle a cocktail party right now.

Not a whole lot of action to report from the cocktail party, except that Sharleen apologizes for being an ungrateful biotch last week with the first impression rose. Good save, Sharleen.  Or rather, producers. And, getting roses tonight are . . Cassandra, Nikki, Andi, Elise, Sharleen, Renee, Danielle, Boobs McGee, Allison, Chelsie, Lauren, and Christine! Saying goodbye tonight are Chantel and Weather Girl Amy. So long, boring people!

Well, that’s week two, Rose Enthusiasts! What a roller-coaster! See you next week!