Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Cutting it loose.

Well, well, Rose Enthusiasts, after a few weeks taking a break from the blog due to chaperoning junior high church events, I am back, and ready to maybe not recap the whole episode, because, let's be honest, not much happened, but give some highlights/thoughts of last night's Fantasy Suite shenanigans.

1) How many times did they have to say that they were in the Dominican Republic? I mean, really? The product placement has been completely OUT OF CONTROL this season, with the constant hotel name dropping, the reminders of where in the actual heck they are all the time, to having Andi spew clearly scripted facts about each place. I was growing weary of hearing "Dominican Republic" after about two minutes, and I've actually been there.
Nick's alter ego. 

2) Nick. Oh Lord. I don't even know where to start with this fool. First of all, since I haven't commented on the last few weeks, I can't even begin to figure out the appeal of this guy. He is SUCH a baby! Basically, he has been walking around like the hare before the tortoise kicked his cocky behind to the curb, and I do not find it appealing in the least. Not to mention, the way his family talked about his previous breakup last week and the way he has acted every time something doesn't go his way, I can totally see how he could be the type that would just be aggressively not okay after being dumped. Not to mention, his storybook he made for Andi last night was totally creepy. What was up with the bikini clad people making out on the bed? I mean, seriously? Vile! I do not want to be reminded that she is going to probably actually engage in coitus with these people she barely knows and on three consecutive nights. Yuck. The big conflict in the Nick narrative last night was whether or not he was going to tell Andi he loved her (not, as I would have suspected, whether or not he would have been visible from space under a black light considering all of the neon he was sporting), and he eventually did, using no fewer than 50 words. "I love what I know about you. Like, I love that you're a serious girl who doesn't take herself so seriously. I love that you know what you want but you can go with the flow... I love that you're very confident and strong but not afraid to be vulnerable. And [pause] I love you, Andi." Good heavens, Harry Burns. Get to the point! But Andi loves it, and off they go to the fantasy suite so that Nick can "talk her ear off." Sure. Whatever.

2) Josh. I don't know about any of you, but with Josh, I have the exact opposite problem Ih have with Nick. Whereas Nick can't seem to shut his face, I have yet to see Josh say anything of meaning whatsoever! The parts of their date we see don't involve much talking except that we do get to see Josh pick up some sort of liquid aphrodisiac (to help him not pull an Ed in the Fantasy Suite?), and he does pull her aside and tell her he loves her, which he "means for the first time ever" (a blow to all of Josh's previous paramours, no?), but basically with the same affect that I would use to describe my love for taking Flintstones vitamins. Andi must be with me a little bit on this, because she is still unsure about what's up when she and Josh have dinner, but Josh shrugs off her questions with prosaic answers and beautiful teeth.  Basically, her conflict is that she doesn't want to have traveled all of this way to end up with the same kind of brainless jock she has dated before. But who cares about that right? To the Fantasy Suite they go!

3) Chriiiiiiis. UGH. It was so sad! After spending the day horseback riding, Andi decides to cut Chris loose halfway through dinner. She tries to make it sound like it isn't because she can't see herself living in Iowa, but you can tell that that's totally part of it. But what was so great about it was the way Chris was a total class act about it. He was disappointed, but he didn't storm off, he didn't pout, he didn't badmouth her to the limo-cam. It was so refreshing! Good for you, Chris. I respect you, man.
Andi! Amahl the tentmaker called,
says he has your new dress ready! 

So, at the end, there is a completely unnecessary Rose Ceremony in which Andi gives the guys an opportunity to "reject the rose." Um. More than likely they just accepted your carnal rose, missy, so what makes you think they are going to reject your actual flower? But, I digress. Roses are accepted by both Nick and Josh, and we are off to the finale!

4). One last comment - WHO was making Andi's dresses this week? Every single thing she had on was an unflattering MESS. Stacy and Clinton need to pull her aside and teach her the importance of finding silhouettes to enhance her figure, not hide it behind billows of unnecessary fabric!

Well, I think that about covers it. Next week? The trash mouthing of Nick will commence with this installment of "Men Tell All!" Can't wait! Until then!

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

Buonasera, Rose Enthusiasts! This week's episode of the Bachelorette is brought to you from Venice, Italy aka the "Most Romantic City in the World!™" I suppose that sending our merry crew to Venice makes sense, as it is known for throwing ragers for Carnival, and people wear masks so they can participate in debauchery and no one can know who they are. Much like everyone on this program. 

We open with the guys taking a nice boat ride around Venice, where Grumpy-Pants Nick confides to the camera that he hopes the week in Italy will be better than the week in France, where he "sucked on the last group date." Cody is hoping this is his week for a one-on-one since he's the only one left who hasn't had one. Well, Kewpie, I hope that you get a one-on-one, because if not, you're totally going home. 


"Where's my one-on-one??"
- Cody
After disembarking the boat, the guys meet up with Andi, who says - SURPRISE! - the first one-on-one date starts right now! Everyone is expecting Cody to be on this date since he hasn't had one, but today's one-on-one is going to be with .... Nick! Win one for Grumpy-Pants. Andi basically says she doesn't care if the guys aren't happy she picked Nick, but that she needs to make sure Nick isn't a huge jerkface before sending him on to next week. 


"Why wasn't I on this date?" - Bert
While Nick and Andi are walking around Venice, they are marveling about how there isn't just one romantic square or one romantic church or one romantic pigeon! The whole place is romantic! Andi is finding it difficult not to get swept up in the romance of Venice, but she must press on, because there is business that needs to be discussed with Nick about his behavior in the house, his behavior on the last group date, his interactions with the guys, etc. Detective Dorfman is on the case! Nick sort of apologizes for his cranky behavior last week, and says he's going to do better, but Andi (and me too) remains skeptical.

Later in the evening, Andi emerges from the shadows (what is this - Dick Tracy?) wearing a gold lamé evening gown. Nick is hoping that during dinner the opportunity presents itself to tell Andi that he's falling in love with her (too soon, buddy!). During dinner, Andi's all, "Don't think I brought you here because I like you, I brought you here because you were a rampant douche bag last week, and I need to figure this shiz out before you get to come with us next week!" Nick attempts to defend himself, saying that his feelings were "hurt" when Cody said that he was "overconfident" about his standing with Andi (um, no one made you openly declare yourself the front runner!), and when Andi straight up asks him if he thinks he's the front runner, he says, "I don't like that word..." (So clearly, you do.) Choosing his words very carefully, he tells Andi that he is "fortunate and grateful" to have the connection they share, and that he "cannot imagine" someone else having the same connection with her. Good save? Yup. "I can confidently say that I am definitely falling in love..." he whispers, and Andi is all over it. Rose, meet lapel. 

Group date card! If Cody is on the card, he is totally going to throw himself in front of a train. Going on this week's group date are: Josh, Marcus, JJ, Dylan, Brian, and Chris! Whew. Cody is going on a one-on-one. Crisis averted.

Before we get on with the group date, however, we check back in with Andi, who has received another note from her secret admirer! Who is it? We have no idea, but I imagine that the secret will be coming out, because today's group date involves a lie detector test! I can't believe there have been this many seasons of the show without having one, and I am pumped! The guys, however, look less than pleased about this development, and rightfully so. "How accurate are these things?" wonders Josh. Chris is also concerned because he has a secret he wants to tell Andi, but he didn't think it would come out during the lie detector test! Ooooh. Wonder what it is?

Most of the "confessions" during the lie detector test were pretty boring (Josh cheated on a test, Marcus likes brunettes, etc.) except that Dylan has slept with over 20 women. Um. Gross. He also doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom. Still not as gross as the first. The lie detector test proves to be too much for Dylan, who decides to bow out of the date early due to a "stomach issue" (fecal borne illness is the worst), or as it is more likely, so he doesn't have to be confronted by his outrageous amount of sexual conquests on national television.

Chris does not have any
troglodytic relatives. 
Chris's big secret is...he's Andi's secret admirer! Booooo. Boring! I was hoping that he had a troglodytic half-brother or something. Disappointment waits for no one, however, and the results of the test are in! According to our experts, three of the guys told zero lies, one told two lies, and two men lied THREE times. Yikes. But before we can let the drama really heat up by finding out who exactly lied about what and with whom, Andi decides to rip up the guys' results in the name of "authenticity" because "she trusts them." I'm with you, girl. Ignorance is bliss. But, for the record, Andi's test results showed that she doesn't believe all of the guys are there for the Right Reasons™, so at least she's not completely obtuse. 

At the cocktail party, Brian takes charge first, and administers a makeshift "lie detector" test with her hand on his heart (Cute? I can't decide). The only question that matters in his line of questioning is the last one, which was, "Do you want to make out?" "You're lying!" he giggles when she says no. So they make out, which is pretty much all we have seen these two do. 

When Marcus sits down with Andi, he tells her that he wanted to leave before he went on his one-on-one and finishes by telling Andi that he's in love with her. Again. Tone it down, Marcus! Josh continues to complain about the lie detector test during his one-on-one time, which I do NOT understand. Why exactly is he b****ing so much about having to -GASP- tell the truth? Obviously, he is hiding something (unless it's that he's a bit of a lummox, in which case, that's not a secret) Calm it down, man. The date rose goes to Chris, who finally cops to being the secret admirer. Andi loved it. 

After the rose is given out, JJ hops aboard the sour grapes train and whines about how he is "sick" of everyone else getting roses. Well, JJ, everyone else isn't wearing ridiculous pants and don't have faces like clowns. Of course they're getting roses. Chris is not going to let JJ ruin his moment of victory, and declares "Sit there and be sour grapes. I could give a f--- less, buddy... Your f---ing true colors will shine throughout this whole process, and people will see that." Daaaaaaaang. Who knew Chris could bust it out like that? Chris - 1 JJ - 0

Bye, Cody! 
It's time for Cody's date, and I'm sure it was no accident that he got put on this one, and not because of a good reason. Listen, we all know Cody is NOT going to win. So why keep him around? So that they could make his exit as awkward as possible.

But, because Cody has the apparent brain power of the doll he looks so much like (Ken or a Kewpie. Take your pick), he has no idea that he is going to be put up to something waaaaaaay outside his comfort zone: Writing. Everyone should know right there that this cannot be going anywhere good. The date is taking place at Club de Guilette, where real people send letters asking for love advice from the Shakespeare character. Let's pause for a moment of silence for anyone desperate enough to write a letter in earnest to such a place. *pause* Moving on. Andi and Cody write back to a fellow named "Jason," giving him sound advice like "be yourself" and such. Andi tries to muster enthusiasm, but it couldn't be more obvious that she is just not feeling Cody. 

Cody, on the other hand, has no idea. He remains enthusiastic throughout dinner (where he is wearing a deep V-neck shirt? Seriously? This is the Bachelorette, not some "Sun's Out, Guns Out" spring break program), even reading Andi a love letter professing his feelings for her. It's beyond uncomfortable. While he reads, Andi begins crying tears of "It's finally time to send someone home on a date" and weeps, "I can't keep you around until next week. It's not fair!" effectively breaking the bad news. The mystery luggage people come get Cody's luggage, and it's ciao to our personal trainer who never should have made it this far. I hope someone somewhere appreciates your strange tuft of hair and newly waxed chest, because you seem sort of nice, even if you're a little dim-witted. 

Nick takes the reins at the cocktail party, pulling Andi aside to immediately swap saliva. "That's a man!" Andi gushes to the camera, clearly into it. The rest of the guys hurry to catch up. Josh offers a forced apology for being so upset about the lie detector date, JJ aims straight for the make out, Brian reads a poem, Marcus drops the l-bomb again, Dylan continues to get away with being a man-whore with poop hands. 

When the roses are handed out, they are pinned on Dylan (ewww), Marcus, Josh, and Brian, leaving poor JJ alone and rose-less. Like I said, there was no way he was going to win, so this shouldn't be a surprise. Andi tells him that they are just "not on the same page" (read: the other guys are so much hotter than you, and you're kind of a goof), and JJ is off in the Limo of Shame. 

Long week, Rose Enthusiasts, but I am looking forward to this "journey" coming to a close here in the next few weeks. Until then, I'm going to figure out how to hitchhike back to Italy. Ciao! 







Tuesday, June 17, 2014

French [Milque]toast - Bachelorette Recap!

Welcome back, Rose Enthusiasts! Not going to lie, I totally enjoyed last week's Hillary-induced break from this craziness. But, alas, not all reprieves can last forever, and we have roses to hand out and hearts to break! So let's get to it.

This week's stop on the tour is Marseille, France, which, according to Andi is, "the perfect place to fall in love." Um, I hate to break it to you, sweetheart, but a vacant lot could be the perfect place to fall in love as long as you have enough ABC-purchased booze and some candles.

"I want my skirt back"
- A California Raisin 
First up, we have a pre-date interview with our fearless host, Chris Harrison, who comes right out and asks Andi if she is falling in love with any of the guys. Andi's reply? "Staaaahp!" Like he was supposed to ask her about her visit to the Suave Professionals Salon? Please. On a similar note, anyone seen this work of brilliance? Also, what in the actual heck was up with Andi's skirt? Not a good look for anybody.

 It's the usual schedule this week, two one-on-one dates and a group date. Of course, the first one-on-one is going to Josh, who I am surprised hadn't gotten a date sooner. Maybe there wasn't one mind-numbing enough to put him on yet? The date card arrives and it is all in French, which I can only assume means that, roughly translated, it says, "Who cares? Let's make out!" since that's what all of the dates have been devolving into. 

Friday, June 13, 2014

When this Boy Girl Meets World?

There are only a few things that are guaranteed to turn me into a puddle of crying mush, and they are, in no particular order:

1) Any and all of Stepmom, starring Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon. 
2) The episode of Adventures in Odyssey when Eugene becomes a Christian (don't judge, it was really significant when I was 12). 
3) When Dobby dies in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Or really, just all of reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
4) The end of White Christmas. 
5) "For Good."

All of these things are very sad, but there has not been a moment in pop culture history that continues to KILL me as this does, every time I catch a dang rerun of it. 

video

Monday, June 2, 2014

Make Mine Music (Stop!) - Bachelorette Week 3!

Greetings Rose Enthusiasts! I have returned from my excursion on the East Coast visiting the prodigal John and just in time for the two-night Bachelorette extravaganza! 


Rather than take the time to recap all of last week (which I subjected my family to while on vacation - sorry not sorry, guys), I'll just highlight a couple of thoughts. 

1) What in the actual heck is Bachelor Gives Back actually giving back to? For all of the talk that the stripping was for charity, I would love to actually know that they raised money (what looked like a good $20) for an actual charity and not something like, I dunno, STD screenings for the contestants or penis pumps for the elderly. Or really, was it not enough just to have them stripping? Did they have to attach a moral to it? I like my reality shows completely devoid of life-checking moments, thank you very much. 

2) As much as it pains me not to have recapped Craig's drunken soujourn into the pool, I think my grandpa summed it up nicely when he said, "Craig has shown his true colors. If [Andi] gives him a rose, she's an a--hole." Hear, hear, Grandpa. And she didn't pick him, so I guess, for now, Andi gets a pass (at least in the 80+ Italian men demographic). 

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Looking for the right Juan One?

Welcome back, Rose Enthusiasts! It’s that time of year again, where we get to indulge every inherent tendency towards schadenfreude! That’s right, it’s time to obtain pleasure watching the misfortune of others on the humiliation-laced juggernaut otherwise known as THE BACHELORETTE!


This season, we are treated to a new heroine, Andi Dorfman, who showed us the true meaning of girl power when she kicked Juan Pablo’s self-absorbed behind to the curb after a fantasy suite date gone wrong during last season. She is a former assistant district attorney, and all around BA. Or at least that’s what her intro package would like us to think anyway. Since eliminating herself from the show, she has ditched her gross ombre highlights and is on the hunt for love. Or a bunch of free evening gowns. You know, whatever lasts longer. 

Some Highlights/Questions/Observations From the Premiere:

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Run, Nikki, Run!

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I am not a fan of Clare's, but I think we can agree that she dodged a bullet, yeah?

Before we discuss the chafing on a hot day level uncomfortable epic conclusion of this "adventura," let's recap a few highlights of the extraordinarily bloated finale.

1) Juan Pablo's family struggling to speak English on camera. It could not have been more obvious that they do not usually do so, and it was a little painful. Also, how terrible do you feel if you are Juan Pablo's brother, who is clearly not as good looking as JPabs or his sister? Yikes.


Danger, Will Robinson! 
2) Juan Pablo's mom was clearly not feeling it when Nikki and Clare were declaring their feelings for her son. First, she tells Clare that he's basically rude and to watch herself, and then she tells Nikki that JPabs is a glorified (and broke) bum, but she thinks that she's "strong enough" to put up with his shenanigans. Even his mother wants these girls to get the H out of there. How many more signs do these fools need?? Does Kim Jong Un need to step out with the red flag, or would the USC Colorguard do? 

3) The whole deal with Juan Pablo's "insensitive" comments to Clare ... well, I think I'd rather perform a rectal exam on my cat than watch that conversation again. Apparently, during Clare and JPabs's final date, there was, for some reason, a moment during the landing where the cameras and mics were not on, and JPabs took that moment to, shall we say, talk dirty to Clare (think something that rhymes with, "I can't wait to pluck your flower again!") For some inexplicable reason, Clare chooses until after the date when they are hanging out in her hotel room to confront him about this, and Juan Pablo says things that are so completely absurd that I couldn't believe she didn't leave right then and there. As usual, he chats/kisses his way out of it, and even goes so far as to blame Clare for their physical connection, harkening back to her being the one to break the no kissing rule way back in Korea. I have to admit, watching Clare give up and slink her way back into his arms and talk to him about "getting married" and "their kids" and whatever was a little too awful even for me to watch. 

4) So. How awkward was that moment after JPabs read Nikki's letter that ended with her telling him that she loved him and watching him say absolutely nothing in return? Should have consulted your Olivia Pope gut, Nikki, because JPabs is clearly just not into you enough to say anything more than "thank you" to your declaration. But, on the upside, at least he didn't tell you that he loved plucking flowers with you. Nikki ends the date in tears. 

At the end of the two dates, we were left in suspense about whether or not JPabs was even going to choose one of them - my family viewing party certainly hoped that was the case - but alas, there was a "decision" made at the end. Before we get to that though, we had to say goodbye to Clare.

When Clare approached the platform, she, for some unknown reason, launches into a speech about how much she "believes in them" as a couple, and "loves him" and blah blah. I'm not sure if she started that on her own, or the producers were feeling particularly sadistic and told her to talk first, but yeeeesh. It was painful. Then, JPabs finally opens his mouth and tells her that he "wishes the Earth would suck him up" (you, and every sane person in America, pal) because it is "time to say goodbye." Clare stares dumbfounded at him, rebuffs his goodbye hug, and immediately launches into a pretty good speech, wondering why he bothered to let her talk about marriage and kids and the future when he knew that he didn't know her, and ending with "I am SO glad my kids aren't going to have a father like you!" Juan Pablo looks around at the cameramen, seemingly unjarred, saying, "Whoo! I'm glad I didn't pick her!" Yeah, JPabs. I'm sure you are glad that you didn't end up with someone who would DARE call you out on your douchebaggery.

Speaking of someone unwilling to pick up the phone and call shenanigans, it's time for Nikki to get her "prize!" She too speaks first, spewing some truly unremarkable copy. When JPabs gets ready to tell her the news, he says everything EXCEPT that he loves her (even though she has said it to him), and says that even though he has a ring in his pocket, he isn't going to use it. He likes her ("a lot, A LOT"), but not enough to propose (which, in real life, this is totally reasonable - it just happens to come off douchey in this situation). In turn, Nikki looks about as thunderstruck as a small child who has just been told Santa isn't coming this year. Despite this, she accepts his final rose. Ugh. Nikki. Gross. And, right on cue, Juan Pablo says to her as the camera is panning away, "Don't get cranky now!" Oh no. No one would ever dream of getting cranky at such a romantic gesture and open sharing of feelings. 

On that happy note, we got to After the Final Rose, where the audience was raring and raging, and so was Chris Harrison. Honestly, I have never seen Harrison be so openly frustrated and hostile with a lead EVER.

First, Clare is invited into the hot seat, where she marvels at how she managed to be sucked in to JPabs's BS. A part of me wants to feel bad for her, but honestly, Clare. You didn't HAVE to have sex with the guy. Getting BS'ed by him is one thing - this is reality television and maybe you have self-esteem issues - but as far as I know, there is no such thing as "accidental intercourse." So, I'm glad you saw the light, but really? You sort of had it coming.

After Clare leaves the stage, JPabs is welcomed (?) to the couch to attempt to defend himself. Or, as it happens, be a maddening, bullheaded doofus who will not even dream of admitting that maybe he behaved badly. "It is what it is!" he declares, as Chris Harrison does all but pick his jaw up off the floor at how terrible this interview is going. I completely appreciated that, far from concealing his dislike for the guy, Harrison was basically completely stupefied along with the rest of us at just how great a jerk he is.

"They're so in love!" said no one. 
When Nikki comes out, Harrison seems determined to rescue her from Juan Pablo's clutches, but Nikki isn't having it. She insists that it isn' t a problem for her that JPabs won't tell her he loves her and says that their relationship is "real to them." No one is convinced. Also, there was apparently a monetary offer on the table (according to Reality Steve) for JPabs to propose to Nikki during the show, but he insists that the "surprise" he promised the producers doesn't exist, and announces that they are "DONE! Done with the show!" Well, you both are seemingly pretty unappreciative, so maybe you deserve each other?

Finally, Harrison snaps us all back to reality with a "Not gonna lie - I'm glad to be moving on!" and announces that ANDI will be the next Bachelorette! Pretty solid choice, I think. Until May, when the blog resumes for another several weeks of debauchery, I'll be trying to figure out what show to recap next. Suggestions?

Thanks to everyone who has read (sometimes in horror) along with me this season! See you May 19!

Monday, March 3, 2014

Las Mujeres Digan Todos!

Good news and bad news, Rose Enthusiasts! The good news? Only one more week left of this suck-fest. The bad news? We still have to watch another week of this suck-fest.  Thankfully, tonight we will be catching up with the only people who have been sort of interesting this season, the women! Incidentally, if I were these “ladies” I would be pretty unhappy if I went through the entire casting process, got my hopes up, and then ended up with the sleaziest, most illiterate Bachelor since Jake Pavelka. But, I guess we’ll see how they really feel when the women tell all!

First, Sean and Catherine came out. Nice to see them! Nice that they are doing well! Nice to move on from this segment!

Time for the action! Tonight, we will be catching up with quite the cast of characters, including Boobs McGee, Kelly and pooch-friend Molly, nameless women of color, Kylie “I thought he called my name,” Lauren “Pug Face” H., and some of the other girls who stuck around longer like Kat, Chelsie, Renee, Sharleen, and our new heroine, Andi.

The general consensus from the women during the first segment is that although Juan Pablo is hot, a rockin’ body does not cover a multitude of douchiness. “Most of the conversations were surface level,” said Danielle. Renee defends Juan Pablo, telling Harrison that she had a “different experience” with JPabs, because they were able to talk about their kids. Alli isn’t having that though, and tells the audience that Renee complained about only talking about their kids in the house. Kelly also calls out a few of the women who are jumping on the “JPabs is a toolbag” train, saying that they didn’t react that way when they were in the house. Andi brings the segment full circle, saying that she just thinks JP was there to find a girlfriend, not a wife (Duhhhhhhhhhhh).

General consensus: the girls really don’t like Juan Pablo. I mean, except Renee, who clearly isn’t ready to jump on the train. She continues to defend JP, saying that she doesn’t think it’s a problem that JPabs chose not to kiss her for so long, and also saying that she wants her son, Ben, to “see love” and that she would be ok with him watching her kiss a stranger on television. Well, Renee, unless you want Ben to grow up to be Wilt Chaimberlain, I don’t think you want him witnessing the type of “love” Mike Fleiss is in the business of. Oceangate comes up, and it is revealed that Andi and Kelly (Clare’s roommates) didn’t even know about Clare sneaking off into the ocean! The girls are clearly not on board with JPab’s excuses regarding the ocean situation, with Sharleen calling his later regrets “buyer’s remorse" and Kelly quipping, "he didn't say Cameeela when he was in the ocean!" LOL. The girls don’t bad mouth Clare though, and say they wish they would have thought of sneaking off to be with him like that.

Time to interview Sharleen! I am definitely interested in what she has to say, because it’s pretty obvious to everyone that she stuck around only for the “action” she was getting. She doesn’t give any dirt we didn’t already know, but basically, she doesn’t regret leaving, she still thinks JPabs is a good kisser, and she doesn’t regret her necessity for a “cerebral” connection. In short, she was as boring as she was on the show. Next!
Renee is up next, and she also has nothing really bad to say about Juan Pablo. Come on, people! JPabs is so gross! Say so! The closest thing to trash-talking she does comes in her tone of voice in referring to the incident when JPabs declared he wasn’t kissing other girls and then made out with Clare 30 seconds later. Oh, and she may have a boyfriend? Or maybe she’s the Bachelorette? Either way, she’s in a “good situation.”

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for! Andi has been invited into the hot seat to tell us how she really feels. She says, “I think Juan Pablo thinks he was a really great Bachelor,” and follows it up with a smirk. She also says that the things that Juan Pablo said about her made her feel “cheap.” Along with the rest of us, Andi does NOT think that Juan Pablo understood what she was talking about, and even though she didn’t say that is as dense as a claw hammer, she may have implied it.

Whew! One more commercial break, and then, Juan Pablo gets his opportunity to “defend” his “choices.”

Juan Pablo enters, and he is unnecessarily optimistic about his chances. Maybe he hasn’t been listening to the “We hate Juan Pablo” chorus that has been taking place for the last 63 minutes, but he is confident that he can emerge from this experience with some friends after they are all “regular people” again. Yeah. Sure. Good luck. Harrison asks him whether or not he regrets any of his choices or things that he said, and in what is maybe a surprise to deaf/mutes, but not the rest of the world, he is not, declaring that he would rather be “unappreciated for his honesty” than not be honest at all. Excellent. I’ll make sure to use that one next time I am unnecessarily offensive. Juan Pablo then tries to decide whether or not he was there to kiss 27 women or merely help them take their nun vows, but I think we conclude that he was there to maybe kiss them all if he liked them?

Andi carries most of the conversation in the next segment, again telling everyone how just when you think Juan Pablo is the shallowest man in the world, he lets a little bit more out of the pool. Predictably, Juan Pablo says, “eeees ok. Fine” to the criticism. The last thing that gets brought up is the whole “gay is pervert” thing from the beginning of the season, and Victoria tells him to “stop using the ESL card as cop out.” You go, Victoria! When Harrison asks him to defend himself, he doesn’t say much that sounds great, but Sharleen, surprisingly, defends him.


Well, ladies and gentlemen, that’s the women tell all for this year! See you next week for the finale that “we have never seen before!”

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

In which Andi realizes she's too good for this shiz. Juan Pablo is okay.

Well, Rose Enthusiasts, I have no idea how we managed to get through FOUR hours of garbage this week, but, persevere we did! 

I started writing a full recap last night, but I had taken two Vicodin prescribed to me by the very nice people at Urgent Care to combat yet another diverticulitis attack, and, frankly, what I wrote makes not one iota of sense. So, to avoid making everyone read through a bunch of incoherent babble, we'll proceed through these shenanigans much quicker than usual. 


Monday night was hometowns, and basically, things were pretty uneventful with the exception of two happenings. The first was that Andi's dad, Hy, was totally not having it when Juan Pabs asked him if he would be ok with his proposing to Andi at the end. Because Hy is actually a good parent, he replies, "If your daughter brought someone home who was seeing two other girls, would you give your permission?" Ooooh. BURN. Well said, Hy. Andi's family was also concerned - and rightfully so - about how long it took her to get a one-on-Juan (remember her troll friends, ready to welcome her??), knowing, as does anyone who has regularly watched this program that people who are left to the very end aren't necessarily on the radar. 


The second interesting conversation took place during Clare's hometown, and Clare's sister Laura was expressing her skepticism about the made-for-tv-showmance. She definitely made her lack of approval known, but Clare managed to find an ally in her mother, who admitted that she and Clare's father only knew each other for 3 weeks before getting engaged (OK - that's nice, but that's not necessarily a great life choice either). 


Other than that, the hometowns were pretty boring. I was surprised that Nikki's parents were so nice when she's so . . . not. And Renee's little boy was super adorable! But, even though Ben is so cute Renee wanted to "eat his face" or something like that when she saw him, Renee was the "lady" we said goodbye to at the end of the night. A moment of silence for the last semblance of normalcy, shall we? 


Tuesday, February 18, 2014

In which Juan Pablo continues to say nothing.

¡Bienvenidos a Miami, Rose Enthusiasts! We have encircled the world and are now back in the good ‘ol USA for yet another week of JPabs’s foray into the world of skanko-Roman wrestling!


When Juan Pablo arrives in Miami, the first thing he does is surprise (like the camera crew didn't give it away) Cameeeela and take her swimming. Aww. How cute. Meanwhile, the “ladies” are deposited at the hotel and are greeted with boxes bearing the standard-issue uniform – brand spankin’ new bikinis! The producers must have been really offended by Andi’s one-piece last week (the first in Bachelor history, you think?), because we aren’t going to be seeing that sucker again!

Juan Pablo decides to deliver the first date card without the help of the accent table of doom (miss you, buddy!), and completely catches Sharleen off-guard when it is announced that they are going on the date right then. Because Sharleen has clearly never seen this program, she changes from her teeny shorts into a shapeless, wannabe shroud and ponders her lack of a “cerebral” connection to Juan Pablo, a nice way of saying that he’s a brainless git, but she likes the way his tongue feels in her mouth. Well, Sharleen, if you’re waiting for Juan Pablo to be tops in anything beginning with the Greek root “cere,” you might have better luck waiting for something that might actually happen – like proving the existence of the Loch Ness Monster.

What happens when Sharleen
attempts to remove her mouth from
Juan Pablo's. 
Anyway, the two take a walk down by the ocean, and find Team Bachelor waiting on a yacht! After taking a few selfies, sunning, and making out on a blanket, Juan Pablo and Sharleen arrive on a private island, where they make out some more! They attempt to have a conversation about whether or not Sharleen would give up her career as an opera singer, but all she says about this is “change is good. I like change.” Ok. Cool. Who needs to talk when we can make out in the water? And again on the boat. Sharleen tells the camera that she is “disturbed” by how much she enjoys kissing Juan Pablo, and that every time she attempts to have a conversation with him, they just end up making out instead, which leaves her to wonder what is “propelling this relationship forward” (besides the human sexual response cycle?). When their lips manage to unglue themselves (cue the sound of a plunger being drawn from a toilet), Sharleen tells Juan Pablo she wishes she were a little “dumber,” and that it would make things much simpler, which is perhaps the most honest thing anyone has ever said on this program. I’m not sure Juan Pablo realizes that’s because he’s “simple,” but this is neither here nor there. There are no roses on the one-on-one dates this week, so Sharleen is able to end the date “torn.”

KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK (“Is that the door?” says Andi. Oh, honey..) back at the hotel, and the date card has arrived for Nikki! Rather than being super-stoked, all Nikki has to say is, “Am I going to have to dance again?” Way to appreciate the experience, Nikki. Why don’t you complain some more?

A decent impression
of what JPab's baby mama
looked like during the meeting. 
Thankfully for Nikki (and the rest of us), the date does not involve Nikki dancing, but is a date to Cameeela’s dance recital! Before they can go to the recital, however, they must construct a flower arrangement! Nikki is flattered that Juan Pablo is taking her to meet his family (including Cameeela’s mom, who looks like the gold-digging stepmom from Jungle 2 Jungle), and I don’t necessarily blame her. The recital was very cute, Cameeela sang a solo, the family meeting was fine, and Nikki is totally attracted to JPabs. I would comment on the fact that introducing Cameeela to one of the women so soon shows absolutely no judgment, but this is The Bachelor. If people didn’t show poor judgment, the show wouldn’t exist.

After the recital, Nikki and JPabs have dinner in the Marlins Stadium, but not before stopping off on the field to play some catch (anyone else worried that Nikki was going to have some sort of wardrobe malfunction? What was that top stuck to?). Nikki manages to get more questions out on her date than Sharleen, and asks JPabs how Cameeela’s mom feels about all of this. JPabs insists that she’s totally fine with it (doubt it!), and that it’s important for Nikki to understand this in case the “moon and the skies” tell them that they must be together. Glad you’re using a technical process, JPabs. Nikki doesn’t seem to care about this though, and considers the date a “home run.” And here I was beginning to think we wouldn’t have any date-related metaphors, this week. Silly. 

No chance. No way. Sharleen
won't say it. 
I’m not sure when this actually happened, since during the conversation Sharleen says that her date with JPabs was the day before, and I doubt this happened right after Nikki’s date, but in what is a surprise to no one, Sharleen comes downstairs and announces to the girls that her hormones have calmed down long enough for her to think rationally, and therefore, she is outta there! She goes down to JPabs’s room to tell him in person, and says that she just doesn’t see herself being at a place where she can get engaged to someone in the next three weeks. Oh really? You mean this “process” isn’t one that develops lasting relationships? JPabs takes it in stride, and tells her that she didn’t waste his time, and blah blah. He even sheds a few tears in his confessional. Don’t worry, Juan Pablo! You have five other sets of lips to take her place! And so, we say goodbye to awkward Sharleen and her magic giraffe-tongue. Bon voyage back to Germany, or wherever.

After all of this, we still have a group date and a cat fight to enjoy! Going on the group date are the leftovers, Chelsie, Renee, Clare, and Andi. There is a rose on this date, and whoever receives it also receives a golden ticket to hometowns! JPabs and the “ladies” jet back to Team Bachelor’s private island, and it is revealed that whoever gets the rose will also get to go on a special “extended” date with JPabs later that night! Oooooh. Tension!

Chelsie’s one-on-Juan is first, and she brings out the big guns, showing JPabs a collection of letters from her mom and dad, which includes some sound advice (to keep her clothes on), and JPabs is into the fact that she has such a supportive family. Andi is next, and she is less confident than Chelsie. She immediately starts crying when they sit down on the beach, saying that she feels “super vulnerable” and that she doesn’t usually “show a ton of emotions,” but that it’s scary to put her family out there and not have any certainties. JPabs says he understands, but that “everything is going to be ok.” Alright – at what point can he stop telling these people that everything is going to be ok? Obviously, one of them is being sent home before hometowns, so everything is NOT going to be ok for someone. Get some new reassuring verbiage, JPabs.

Clare is up, and she and JPabs talk again about her dad, and she tells JPabs about the DVD (referenced on night one) he recorded for her future husband before he died. All I can say is that if we don’t see this DVD (even though it would be a Gob Bluth level mistake to show it), I am going to be pretty disappointed after all of this teasing!

We don’t get to see Renee’s one-on-Juan, so it must have been pretty boring. When it comes time for JPabs to hand out the date rose, it goes to . . . Andi! Guess all that crying worked! Clare is particularly upset about this, saying that she has just been getting naked with people in the ocean putting herself out there, and she has “literally been watching everyone else go on their dates.” She just doesn’t get it. She just wants to “wrap this s___ up and go home!” (You and me both, Clare).

It’s cat fight time! When the remaining girls return from the date, we get to hear part of Clare’s confessional, saying that while she got kicked off the date, the upside is that she “gets to hang out with Nikki!” (statement drips with sarcasm) Nikki can barely contain her joy when she hears about what went down on the date, and comments on how Chelsie and Renee are taking the situation in stride, but Clare is clearly unhappy. “I’m not checked out!” announces Clare. “But I’m not going to sit here and be fake!” Nikki storms upstairs, and Clare has decided that Nikki’s days as queen of the b---- castle are over! She follows Nikki upstairs, and the following conversation takes place.

N: I didn’t like that you were talking s--- [about Andi]
C: I wasn’t talking s---. Who was talking s---?
N: You interrupted.
C: Who was talking s---?
N: You interrupted.
C: Who was talking s---?
N: I just thought it was going that way, and I didn’t want to be a part of it.
C: But who was talking s---?

Really articulate, these two. This carries on for awhile, and finally, Nikki asks Clare to “please excuse yourself from her room.” When Clare points out that the suite belongs to all of the girls, Nikki comes back with, “Oh, is your stuff in here?” Clare then says, “This is NOT your room.” “Oh really?” questions Nikki. “Do you sleep in here?” “Well, did you pay for this room?” shouts Clare. They conclude that this is open space, because neither of them paid for it. Well, at least they worked that out. Nikki gets in the last word on the confessional, saying that “There have been times that I didn’t get a rose – very few – but I didn’t act like that!” She then proceeds with an excellent metaphor, comparing Clare to a dog who peed on Juan Pablo first, but, according to Nikki, might have claimed some territory that isn’t hers! Ooooooh! Burn!

Not much happens at the cocktail party, except to reinforce that Nikki is a raging biotch. Old news. At the rose ceremony, roses go to Clare, Nikki, and Renee, who move on to hometowns, which means that we say goodbye to Chelsie. Bummer. I kind of liked her.

Next week we have a two night extravaganza! I’m not sure if I can handle hometowns AND overnights in one week! Whew! It’s going to be intense! Until then, Rose Enthusiasts, I wish you clarity on which rooms in the house are indeed yours, either by the presence of your stuff, or whether or not you paid for it. Kisses!

Monday, February 10, 2014

One-on-Juan!

Welcome to another week of Juan Pablo’s “adventura!” This week, we meet our merry harem in New Zealand, and all I have to say is, “Finally!” I watch this show 75% to make fun of it, and 25% to figure out where I would want to go on vacation if I had unlimited funds.

Waiting to welcome Andi if she
doesn't get the one-on-Juan
The girls arrive at the hotel, and for once, I am feeling their enthusiasm. It really does look superb. But, the time to enjoy their surroundings is short, because DUN-DUN-DUN! The date card arrives. As we know, Andi really, really, really, really, really wants that one-on-one date. Well, Andi, you are the only girl left who hasn’t had a one-on-one, so if you don’t get it this time, you’re basically a troll.

Thankfully, Andi won’t need to be attaching a jewel to her belly, because the date card has arrived, and her name is on it! “Let’s heat things up!” says the card.

Cassandra is getting more focus this week, which leads me to believe that her time with us is coming to a close, because unless she’s going to ask some more questions about complicated concepts like farms, I have no idea what she is still doing around. We get to sit through a long conversation between Cassandra and Renee AGAIN discussing their single parent situation. Cassandra feels insecure, not closed off from dating anymore, etc. Shut up, Cassandra. I have no time for your shenanigans.

Before Andi leaves on her date with JPabs, she tells the camera how she really is hoping to have a breakthrough in her relationship on this date. Whatever that means. Andi and JPabs arrive at a dock, where they hop aboard a boat, which can only mean one thing – JPabs got tired of talking on last week’s dates and has decided to cover all possible chat-time with a ridiculous amount of noise. We hear none of their conversation on the boat ride, but JP does tell the camera that Andi has got all of her body parts in the right place “got it goin’ on!” so that’s something.

“I have planned for her a very adventurous date today,” says JPabs. “She needs to know that she can trust me, so I talked to the locals, and they told me about this romantic place they call “the squeeze.” OK, first of all, who is writing his copy? NO ONE believes you could talk to a mailbox, Juan Pablo, much less a local New Zealander! Why is anyone even pretending anymore that the producers aren’t planning this stuff? Grrr.

Anyway, Andi and JPabs reach a certain point in their boat ride where the boat driver asks them to get out of the boat and swim. Juan Pablo begins having a seizure, rubbing his hands together and saying, “AYE YI YI YI YI!” (someone make a gif of this immediately!) The two get out of the boat, and Andi is particularly unhappy about the water temperature, since the date card said “feel the heat,” and she’s cold. Well, we can’t have everything, can we? They begin walking through “crevices basically” and Andi complains that she feels like they are in a “secluded jungle cave.” Well spotted! In fact you ARE in a secluded jungle cave! As they wind their way around the rocks, Andi is moved by how thoughtful JPabs is being, helping her over the rocks and such, which a-duh. Of course he is going to help you over the rocks! There’s no room for him to run away if he wanted to!

No coin slots, please. 
Eventually, they make it to the end, where the cold crevices turn into a hot spring! Naturally, there is a waterfall there, and the two waste no time shoving their tongues in each other’s mouths, which seems like it would be a bit of a drowning hazard. We also got a nice shot of JPab’s butt crack peeking out of the top of his bathing suit, which caused me to make this face while I was on the treadmill at the gym (thank goodness all of the machines face the same way).

Back at the zoo, the accent table of doom has been deposited in front of the door bearing the group date card. Going on the group date this week will be Sharleen, Chelsie, Renee, Kat, Nikki, and Cassandra, which means that ocean-fornicator Clare will be going on the second one-on-one! This is no accident. Clare is “scared” because of what happened in Vietnam, and maybe she should be. Who knows how the producers will play this one.

Later that night, JPabs and Andi hang out in front of a geyser, and she asks him where his head is. After JPabs looks at his shoulders as if expecting his head to be missing, he doesn’t answer the question, but assures Andi that he’s glad he is touching her body she’s here. Juan Pablo then opens his jacket, and voila! The rose! She accepts. They make out. Good date.

For the group date, the harem arrives in a big green field, where JPabs and the girls are having a picnic. After they eat and Chelsie steals JPabs away for some grass-blowing (yes, you read that correctly), the group is led to a giant hill, where it is revealed that they will be rolling around in giant hamster balls! Naturally, the balls are also filled with water, so everyone will need to strip down to their bathing suits. “Score!” says JPabs’s groin. Everyone seems to enjoy themselves, especially Nikki, who manages to roll down the hill and kiss JPAbs at the same time.

If you heard a crashing sound, it was me throwing things at the TV in outrage, because the cocktail party tonight is at HOBBITON! OMG. They are in Bilbo’s freaking house. Ugh. I bet these B-s can’t even appreciate where they are! Despite the fact that they are in the BEST LOCATION EVER TO EVER EXIST for a cocktail party, Cassandra (still showing a lot of her, zzzzz) is upset that she still hasn’t had a one-on-one with JPabs (a one-on-Juan, if you will). She’s hoping to get a rose because it’s her birthday, which means she’s clearly not going to get one.

As the one-on-Juans begin, Nikki tells Juan Pablo she’s falling for him. Sharleen continues her tour of awkwardness by stopping JPabs mid-kiss to have a discussion about her feelings, which Juan Pabs interrupts by kissing her again. He must really not have wanted to listen to her. Eventually, JP takes Cassandra aside and proceeds to tell her that while she is one of his “special ones” and is “gorgeous” and “funny” and “so nice” but that they are not in the same “chapter” and that he doesn’t want to string her along until the end. Ouch. And on her birthday, too. But, I told you she wasn’t getting the rose! Apparently no one got the date rose, because there was a lot of sighing and sad music and then a Ford commercial. So yeah.

The last one-on-Juan (really enjoying this. Going to keep using it) date this week is with Clare, where the two will be able to confront each other about what happened last week in Vietnam. I am totally on Team Clare here, even though Clare is pretty despicable, because it’s not like JPabs HAD to take her into the ocean. He didn’t HAVE to do whatever it was they did or didn’t do. So don’t blame Clare for your carelessness, JP!

Clare and JP will be going on a picnic, and Clare is anticipating an apology to come her way at some point during the date. Don’t hold thy breath, Clare. When the topic is broached, JPabs says that he is sorry that she was upset about what he said, but really, it was pretty lame for an apology. Clare asks JPabs to define some boundaries for her, and he says that he “never holds hands in front of Camila, never kiss a girl in front of Camila, never spend the night in front of Camila.” Clare then says, “Did we do anything inappropriate in that respect?” to which JPabs responds, “4 in the morning, kissing in the ocean. It didn’t feel right to me.” Never mind that you have practically mounted Clare both in the hot tub on the first date and in the pool not HOURS before ocean-gate. And you made out with Andi under the waterfall. And made out with Nikki in the hamster ball. And made out with Cassandra next to a boat in the water. Clearly, you have no aversion to water-macking. So, pick up the phone, JPabs, because I am CALLING BULLS---- on this! UGH. Sickening. Whatever. Clare gets the rose.

Cocktail party time! Things are pretty uneventful. It has come down to Kat and Chelsie, because Renee obviously has a connection with JP Cassandra has already gone home and apparently Sharleen did get the date rose (must have missed that?). Chelsie gets the Rose. Kat gets eliminated. Sorry Kat. I guess throwing your crotch around JPabs neck wasn't enough. And you had to run that 5K. Losses all around! Sharleen is particularly upset during the Rose Ceremony, because she's not feeling Juan Pabs (which she hasn't been the whole time), but not to turn down a free trip to Miami (next week's destination), she's going to selflessly stick it out another week to see if she really might possibly at some point maybe have a connection with JPabs. Or gets some Cuban food. Whichever comes first. 

See you next week, friends!  To end the recap, I leave you with some nature metaphors from tonight's episode:

“We are in the land of volcanoes, and emotions are bubbling.”

“This is new territory. It’s like “the squeeze.” I just never know what’s around that next corner.”

“We are having dinner in front of the geyser. I think dinner is going to blow her mind!”


Thursday, February 6, 2014

Everything goes to "Hell!"


Welcome to this week’s episode of The Bachelor, Rose Enthusiasts! Sorry for the delay in the recap, but this week has been a bit busy, and I am finally getting a chance to sit down and watch.

This week, JPabs and the “ladies” are in Vietnam, because why not go to all of the Asian countries? They are staying at some [insert product placement] resort, and are very enthused about it. Kat compares this experience to participating in Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego - - Juan Pablo goes, and they follow. Of course, the only thievery Juan Pablo is committing is the stealing of hearts, so…

The envelope of doom arrives to announce the first one-on-one date, and it goes to  . . . Renee! Aww. Renee is so excited her palms are hurting. She brings up again how she really wants to have her first kiss with Juan Pablo and I just feel sorry for her. I wonder if she knows exactly how many people he’s tounged it with since the beginning of the season?

Renee meets JPabs in the middle of a town (he said the name, but it was unintelligible, so I have no idea where they are exactly). After taking Renee around in a pedi-cab, JP takes her to their destination, which is to get custom-made Vietnamese garb (much like clothes, the two need to see if they are the right “fit” *retch*)! Now, I don’t know who is planning these dates, but so far, I have been really underwhelmed by where they are taking the girls this season. 5Ks, fish pedis, wandering around randomly? Bo-ring! You have a crazy budget! Customized Asian clothes is the best you could come up with? Thank goodness Renee is there instead of me, because Renee LOVES it (JPabs does too, because he gets to see the exact measurement of her bust).

Later that night, Renee shows up for dinner in the custom dress, which was ok, I guess, but nothing to write home about. The two bond over talking about their kids, but Renee’s kiss attempt is rebuffed when JPabs says he doesn’t want Renee’s son to see her kissing him on TV. Ouch. Despite this, Renee gets the date rose!

Back at the cattle pen, the group date card has arrived. Going on the group date this week are Kat, Cassandra, Danielle, Kelly, Sharleen, Alli, Clare, and Andi. Andi is particularly unhappy about this, because she wants a one-on-one “every day and twice on Sundays.” Funny, that's how I feel about bacon. But, to each her own, right? 

When the girls arrive for the date, Juan Pablo says that they are going to do “very traditional Vietnam things in Vietnam.” Thanks for the clarification, JPabs. A row of rafts is tied up at the pier, and a pair will be commandeering each. Of course, the necessity to be in pairs has been carefully orchestrated by Team Bachelor, and I must say, “Well done!” Who is going to get in the boat with JPabs? Because Clare doesn’t have any friends in the house, no one picks her as their partner, and she gets the coveted raft-time! “The first time in anyone’s life having no friends is an advantage!” says Kelly. As we saw last week, Clare is the only exception to JPab’s kissing moratorium, and the two start smooching when they “accidentally” get stuck and the other girls float cluelessly upstream. Oh wait, not so cluelessly. Andi has seen the “besitos” and is NOT having it, saying that they are basically watching “another one-on-one date happen in front of her eyes.” The other girls agree and share in the disgust.

After the float trip, JPabs and the “ladies” are wandering down the road, when JPabs follows his very carefully planned producer instructions randomly asks a dude on the road if they can eat lunch at his house. “I think they are going to show us some Vietnam things here,” says JPabs as they sit down at the table. (Really? Do you? Gah! Someone get him an acting coach!) It turns out they are at a Vietnamese farm, and the existence of a place where a group of people work together to grow food flummoxes Cassandra. “We should have these back in America!” she confides to the producers. Oh, Cassandra. It’s a good thing you’re pretty.

That night at the after-party, Clare is pulled aside first. No one is particularly happy about this since she already had a ton of time with JPabs during the morning. “Should we just take the rose down there and give it to her? Do you think they’ve made it to second base yet?” says Kelly. Juan Pablo and Clare, on the other hand, don’t care so much about what the girls think, and take a trip to JPab’s suite, where he just “wants to let her know he feels comfortable” with her. Oh, I think she knows, JPabs. I think she knows (unless stripping down immediately and feeling each other up in a private pool denotes discomfort with another human anyway). In what is a surprise to no one, Clare gets the date rose.

But wait! It’s not over! No doubt aided by the producers and an overabundance of spirited beverages, Clare sneaks away from the group and beelines it for Juan Pablo’s room, announcing that one of the things on her bucket list is to “swim in a warm ocean.” Weird, but whatever. When she approaches JPabs about participating in this with her, he is, of course, on board, and the two shimmy on down to the beach. Unlike Ben and Courtney a few seasons ago, these two manage to keep it clothed while frolicking in the water, but they “got a little wild” according to JPab’s confessional afterwards. Now, all this week there has been debate on the blogosphere about whether or not the two actually had sex in the ocean (they say they didn’t), but the edit certainly would have us believe it. All I have to say is this: If that ocean was indeed consummation station, I am impressed (and not by their appalling lack of scruples), because those waves were really big, so I imagine it wouldn’t have been easy. Realistically, I highly doubt they actually had intercourse, but do I think all of those hands were being kept above the safety line? No chance, no way. In any case, yeeeeeeeeeuck. Hope you brought some antibiotics, Clare.

So much has happened, and we still have to see Nikki’s one-on-one date. The sinister music starts immediately after Juan Pablo tells her that they will be spending the afternoon rappelling into a cave, appropriately named “Hell.” (Best metaphor ever?) Nikki, who is of course, afraid of heights, is none too pleased about this turn of events (I wouldn’t want to be taken on a date to somewhere called Hell either, Nikki, and the only time I have ever rappelled, I cried like a cat trying to escape a shower, so this date is 0 for 2). Ultimately Nikki decides to go through with the rappelling, stating that she has three options: living, dying, or pooping her pants. Yikes. We can only hope this is that exciting.  (Un)fortunately, Nikki’s pants remain unsoiled and she makes it down to the bottom. “Even though we’re in Hell, it feels like Heaven,” she says. After dinner, Nikki announces that she is ready to become a stepmom, and JPabs LOVES it. He is so glad that Nikki is opening up™ and Nikki gets the date rose! Commence face-sucking.

And we have finally made it to the cocktail party! Three women will be going home tonight, so tensions are high. Clare, of course, breaks the tension with a toast to “finding love and making love!” Gross, Clare. Andi gets pulled aside first for one-on-one time, followed by Cassandra, Sharleen, and Renee, and Juan Pablo can’t imagine sending any one of them home. Renee finally gets her kiss with JPabs during their one-on-one after she reassures him that her son wouldn’t mind in any way if she was seen macking on someone who isn’t his father on national television. Good for Renee, I guess.

The real drama comes when Clare and JPabs sit down for their chat time, and Juan Pablo tells her that their rendezvous in the ocean was “a little weird” for him since it wasn’t fair to the other girls. He suggests that they not take it that far again. However far that was anyway. He also says that he doesn’t want Camila to see what happened. Clare is NOT having this sudden change of heart and starts crying, saying that she feels “stupid and embarrassed.” Normally, I am not one to sympathize with people whining about slut-shaming (don’t want to be shamed for being a slut? Don’t be a slut!), but you almost feel bad for Clare getting the bad edit here. I’m sure JPabs was totally on board with whatever handsy activities went down beneath the waves, and it’s ridiculous that Clare should be the only one to blame for their lack of judgment. You wanted to "experience" Clare in the ocean, JPabs? Own it! Don’t pretend that you made a mistake after you already enjoyed it. Ughghugh. Men!

Anyway, Clare got a rose, so mistake or no mistake, she’s not going anywhere. When the rose ceremony happens, roses go to Cassandra, Kat, Sharleen, Chelsie, and Andi, who join Nikki, Renee, and Clare in the “safe” category. Which means that going home tonight are Kelly (noooooooooo!), Danielle (who?), and Alli.

Next week, JPabs and the harem are headed to New Zealand, people are making out under waterfalls, tension erupts, Sharleen might leave? Can’t wait! See you next week!