Run, Nikki, Run!

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I am not a fan of Clare's, but I think we can agree that she dodged a bullet, yeah?

Before we discuss the chafing on a hot day level uncomfortable epic conclusion of this "adventura," let's recap a few highlights of the extraordinarily bloated finale.

1) Juan Pablo's family struggling to speak English on camera. It could not have been more obvious that they do not usually do so, and it was a little painful. Also, how terrible do you feel if you are Juan Pablo's brother, who is clearly not as good looking as JPabs or his sister? Yikes.

Danger, Will Robinson! 

2) Juan Pablo's mom was clearly not feeling it when Nikki and Clare were declaring their feelings for her son. First, she tells Clare that he's basically rude and to watch herself, and then she tells Nikki that JPabs is a glorified (and broke) bum, but she thinks that she's "strong enough" to put up with his shenanigans. Even his mother wants these girls to get the H out of there. How many more signs do these fools need?? Does Kim Jong Un need to step out with the red flag, or would the USC Colorguard do? 

3) The whole deal with Juan Pablo's "insensitive" comments to Clare ... well, I think I'd rather perform a rectal exam on my cat than watch that conversation again. Apparently, during Clare and JPabs's final date, there was, for some reason, a moment during the landing where the cameras and mics were not on, and JPabs took that moment to, shall we say, talk dirty to Clare (think something that rhymes with, "I can't wait to pluck your flower again!") For some inexplicable reason, Clare chooses until after the date when they are hanging out in her hotel room to confront him about this, and Juan Pablo says things that are so completely absurd that I couldn't believe she didn't leave right then and there. As usual, he chats/kisses his way out of it, and even goes so far as to blame Clare for their physical connection, harkening back to her being the one to break the no kissing rule way back in Korea. I have to admit, watching Clare give up and slink her way back into his arms and talk to him about "getting married" and "their kids" and whatever was a little too awful even for me to watch. 

4) So. How awkward was that moment after JPabs read Nikki's letter that ended with her telling him that she loved him and watching him say absolutely nothing in return? Should have consulted your Olivia Pope gut, Nikki, because JPabs is clearly just not into you enough to say anything more than "thank you" to your declaration. But, on the upside, at least he didn't tell you that he loved plucking flowers with you. Nikki ends the date in tears. 

At the end of the two dates, we were left in suspense about whether or not JPabs was even going to choose one of them - my family viewing party certainly hoped that was the case - but alas, there was a "decision" made at the end. Before we get to that though, we had to say goodbye to Clare.

When Clare approached the platform, she, for some unknown reason, launches into a speech about how much she "believes in them" as a couple, and "loves him" and blah blah. I'm not sure if she started that on her own, or the producers were feeling particularly sadistic and told her to talk first, but yeeeesh. It was painful. Then, JPabs finally opens his mouth and tells her that he "wishes the Earth would suck him up" (you, and every sane person in America, pal) because it is "time to say goodbye." Clare stares dumbfounded at him, rebuffs his goodbye hug, and immediately launches into a pretty good speech, wondering why he bothered to let her talk about marriage and kids and the future when he knew that he didn't know her, and ending with "I am SO glad my kids aren't going to have a father like you!" Juan Pablo looks around at the cameramen, seemingly unjarred, saying, "Whoo! I'm glad I didn't pick her!" Yeah, JPabs. I'm sure you are glad that you didn't end up with someone who would DARE call you out on your douchebaggery.

Speaking of someone unwilling to pick up the phone and call shenanigans, it's time for Nikki to get her "prize!" She too speaks first, spewing some truly unremarkable copy. When JPabs gets ready to tell her the news, he says everything EXCEPT that he loves her (even though she has said it to him), and says that even though he has a ring in his pocket, he isn't going to use it. He likes her ("a lot, A LOT"), but not enough to propose (which, in real life, this is totally reasonable - it just happens to come off douchey in this situation). In turn, Nikki looks about as thunderstruck as a small child who has just been told Santa isn't coming this year. Despite this, she accepts his final rose. Ugh. Nikki. Gross. And, right on cue, Juan Pablo says to her as the camera is panning away, "Don't get cranky now!" Oh no. No one would ever dream of getting cranky at such a romantic gesture and open sharing of feelings. 

On that happy note, we got to After the Final Rose, where the audience was raring and raging, and so was Chris Harrison. Honestly, I have never seen Harrison be so openly frustrated and hostile with a lead EVER.

First, Clare is invited into the hot seat, where she marvels at how she managed to be sucked in to JPabs's BS. A part of me wants to feel bad for her, but honestly, Clare. You didn't HAVE to have sex with the guy. Getting BS'ed by him is one thing - this is reality television and maybe you have self-esteem issues - but as far as I know, there is no such thing as "accidental intercourse." So, I'm glad you saw the light, but really? You sort of had it coming.

After Clare leaves the stage, JPabs is welcomed (?) to the couch to attempt to defend himself. Or, as it happens, be a maddening, bullheaded doofus who will not even dream of admitting that maybe he behaved badly. "It is what it is!" he declares, as Chris Harrison does all but pick his jaw up off the floor at how terrible this interview is going. I completely appreciated that, far from concealing his dislike for the guy, Harrison was basically completely stupefied along with the rest of us at just how great a jerk he is.

"They're so in love!" said no one. 

When Nikki comes out, Harrison seems determined to rescue her from Juan Pablo's clutches, but Nikki isn't having it. She insists that it isn' t a problem for her that JPabs won't tell her he loves her and says that their relationship is "real to them." No one is convinced. Also, there was apparently a monetary offer on the table (according to Reality Steve) for JPabs to propose to Nikki during the show, but he insists that the "surprise" he promised the producers doesn't exist, and announces that they are "DONE! Done with the show!" Well, you both are seemingly pretty unappreciative, so maybe you deserve each other?

Finally, Harrison snaps us all back to reality with a "Not gonna lie - I'm glad to be moving on!" and announces that ANDI will be the next Bachelorette! Pretty solid choice, I think. Until May, when the blog resumes for another several weeks of debauchery, I'll be trying to figure out what show to recap next. Suggestions?

Thanks to everyone who has read (sometimes in horror) along with me this season! See you May 19!

Las Mujeres Digan Todos!

Good news and bad news, Rose Enthusiasts! The good news? Only one more week left of this suck-fest. The bad news? We still have to watch another week of this suck-fest.  Thankfully, tonight we will be catching up with the only people who have been sort of interesting this season, the women! Incidentally, if I were these “ladies” I would be pretty unhappy if I went through the entire casting process, got my hopes up, and then ended up with the sleaziest, most illiterate Bachelor since Jake Pavelka. But, I guess we’ll see how they really feel when the women tell all!

First, Sean and Catherine came out. Nice to see them! Nice that they are doing well! Nice to move on from this segment!

Time for the action! Tonight, we will be catching up with quite the cast of characters, including Boobs McGee, Kelly and pooch-friend Molly, nameless women of color, Kylie “I thought he called my name,” Lauren “Pug Face” H., and some of the other girls who stuck around longer like Kat, Chelsie, Renee, Sharleen, and our new heroine, Andi.

The general consensus from the women during the first segment is that although Juan Pablo is hot, a rockin’ body does not cover a multitude of douchiness. “Most of the conversations were surface level,” said Danielle. Renee defends Juan Pablo, telling Harrison that she had a “different experience” with JPabs, because they were able to talk about their kids. Alli isn’t having that though, and tells the audience that Renee complained about only talking about their kids in the house. Kelly also calls out a few of the women who are jumping on the “JPabs is a toolbag” train, saying that they didn’t react that way when they were in the house. Andi brings the segment full circle, saying that she just thinks JP was there to find a girlfriend, not a wife (Duhhhhhhhhhhh).

General consensus: the girls really don’t like Juan Pablo. I mean, except Renee, who clearly isn’t ready to jump on the train. She continues to defend JP, saying that she doesn’t think it’s a problem that JPabs chose not to kiss her for so long, and also saying that she wants her son, Ben, to “see love” and that she would be ok with him watching her kiss a stranger on television. Well, Renee, unless you want Ben to grow up to be Wilt Chaimberlain, I don’t think you want him witnessing the type of “love” Mike Fleiss is in the business of. Oceangate comes up, and it is revealed that Andi and Kelly (Clare’s roommates) didn’t even know about Clare sneaking off into the ocean! The girls are clearly not on board with JPab’s excuses regarding the ocean situation, with Sharleen calling his later regrets “buyer’s remorse" and Kelly quipping, "he didn't say Cameeela when he was in the ocean!" LOL. The girls don’t bad mouth Clare though, and say they wish they would have thought of sneaking off to be with him like that.

Time to interview Sharleen! I am definitely interested in what she has to say, because it’s pretty obvious to everyone that she stuck around only for the “action” she was getting. She doesn’t give any dirt we didn’t already know, but basically, she doesn’t regret leaving, she still thinks JPabs is a good kisser, and she doesn’t regret her necessity for a “cerebral” connection. In short, she was as boring as she was on the show. Next!

Renee is up next, and she also has nothing really bad to say about Juan Pablo. Come on, people! JPabs is so gross! Say so! The closest thing to trash-talking she does comes in her tone of voice in referring to the incident when JPabs declared he wasn’t kissing other girls and then made out with Clare 30 seconds later. Oh, and she may have a boyfriend? Or maybe she’s the Bachelorette? Either way, she’s in a “good situation.”

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for! Andi has been invited into the hot seat to tell us how she really feels. She says, “I think Juan Pablo thinks he was a really great Bachelor,” and follows it up with a smirk. She also says that the things that Juan Pablo said about her made her feel “cheap.” Along with the rest of us, Andi does NOT think that Juan Pablo understood what she was talking about, and even though she didn’t say that is as dense as a claw hammer, she may have implied it.

Whew! One more commercial break, and then, Juan Pablo gets his opportunity to “defend” his “choices.”

Juan Pablo enters, and he is unnecessarily optimistic about his chances. Maybe he hasn’t been listening to the “We hate Juan Pablo” chorus that has been taking place for the last 63 minutes, but he is confident that he can emerge from this experience with some friends after they are all “regular people” again. Yeah. Sure. Good luck. Harrison asks him whether or not he regrets any of his choices or things that he said, and in what is maybe a surprise to deaf/mutes, but not the rest of the world, he is not, declaring that he would rather be “unappreciated for his honesty” than not be honest at all. Excellent. I’ll make sure to use that one next time I am unnecessarily offensive. Juan Pablo then tries to decide whether or not he was there to kiss 27 women or merely help them take their nun vows, but I think we conclude that he was there to maybe kiss them all if he liked them?

Andi carries most of the conversation in the next segment, again telling everyone how just when you think Juan Pablo is the shallowest man in the world, he lets a little bit more out of the pool. Predictably, Juan Pablo says, “eeees ok. Fine” to the criticism. The last thing that gets brought up is the whole “gay is pervert” thing from the beginning of the season, and Victoria tells him to “stop using the ESL card as cop out.” You go, Victoria! When Harrison asks him to defend himself, he doesn’t say much that sounds great, but Sharleen, surprisingly, defends him.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that’s the women tell all for this year! See you next week for the finale that “we have never seen before!”