The first Olympics that I remember are the 1992 Albertville winter games. I was in Kindergarten, and, more than anything, I wanted to be Kristi Yamaguchi, and I watched her gold medal run obsessively (or as obsessive as you can get as a six-year-old). Later that year were the summer games, where Shannon Miller won the silver all-around. And it was then that I decided that I was going to BE an Olympian! This is - no joke - from second grade.
I know. How cute. If only I had a picture of my Shannon Miller poster that I bought at the school book fair.
Anyway, somewhere around fourth grade, my body did not cooperate with this dream. Somehow, my petite, child body started turning into something like this:
*cue the violin music!* Big boobs and thighs do not a gymnast make. And thus my dream was shattered. However, this unfortunate setback in my career choice has not kept me from enjoying the Olympics throughout the years - especially gymnastics. I don't know about you, but when the Chinese gymnasts fall off their apparatus and their coaches start yelling "DISHONOR!" at them . . . Well. That is television at its best.
Anyway, at the beginning of the events, when discussing the Olympic happenings, my friends and I started discussing Olympic events we could medal in (I am a favorite to take gold in marathon pizza consumption), I began to ponder what sorts of events we could have in a "Being a Regular American" Olympics. You know, for us schlubs. Here are some things that only Americans could and would medal in.
1) Beer drinking. This one is obvious. If you are already going to over-consume, make it count!
2) The hunting of Beliebers. I think we could all get behind this and medal big-time. Plus, it would be effective social Darwinism.
3) Super Bowl party contest. Because if you watch the Super Bowl alone, you are a loser. Medals for the best 7 layer dip.
4) Finding strange occasions to purchase and send greeting cards. I was at Target the other day, and there was a card that said "To Mom, Love the Cat" or something like that. Seriously? Gold medal to the first person who markets a "On the Day of your Colonoscopy . . " line of cards.
5) Frying stuff. You know, like "DEEP FRIED GARLIC BUTTER MASHED POTATOES ON A STICK" or something like that. Only where there is excess, do people bread and fry candy bars.
6) Frivolous lawsuits. Gold medal to anyone who can commit a crime and manage to sue the person they were trying to take advantage of at the same time (i.e. Break into someone's house, get hurt on their window, sue them and win).
7) Universities giving out useless degrees. First one to give a degree in Harry Potter Studies wins.
8) The number of times you can get your DVD player logo to bounce into the corner. This is serious business. And anyone whose logo bounces into the corner more than once in a 100000000 year period deserves recognition.
Yessir. In four years, I am going to be one decorated girl.