Homeland Security

This week on The Bachelor: HOMETOWNS! After last week’s shocking elimination of Emily, Ben will travel to see Lindzi, Kacie, Nicki, and (ugh) Courtney and their families. Who will emerge victorious and continue to next week’s fantasy suite sex auditions? That’s all coming up in my recap, designed to keep me interested in what’s happening.

We begin the journey in Ocala, FL, home of “I came to the first cocktail party on a horse” Lindzi. To be honest, I have seen almost nothing of Lindzi’s personality over the last several weeks, except that in last week’s episode, she called Ben her boyfriend. Sure he is, honey. Anyway, she’s so excited. She waxes on awhile about her breakup that we have heard about once or sixty times, while riding a horse. Aaaaaand, Ben’s here. Lindzi is thrilled that she has planned today’s events instead of the producers Ben planning their events. They go on a carriage ride, and a picnic miraculously appears on the side of the track. The words “walls”, “vulnerability”, “being open”, and “at that point” are tossed around for awhile, and Ben says he saw a “sweet” side of Lindzi that he never has seen before. Blah blah.

Lindzi introduces Ben to her parents as her “boyfriend”. We discover Lindzi’s parents got married at City Hall in San Francisco, where Lindzi and Ben had their first date. What are the odds? The four of them then embark on carriage races, where Lindzi’s parents dominate. Now it’s time for some potentially awkward conversation. Lindzi’s mom likes Ben, but she doesn’t want her to be upset if he chooses someone else. But, for the most part, everyone is happy and Lindzi’s parents congratulate her on “picking” a good guy. Well. Good luck.

Next up, we are in Clarksville, TN, and Kacie’s family. She is excited to see his eyes. How…weird? Anyway, when Ben pulls up and see’s a marching band playing, and there’s Kacie twirling a baton. She goes on to discuss her grandparents and how much they loved each other. Ben is impressed. Kacie is “ready.” We get some foreshadowing about potential conflicts between Ben and Kacie’s dad, who doesn’t drink. Bad news for our wine-maker.

Ominous music plays while Ben chats with Kacie’s family over dinner. Kacie rationalizes her “love” to her sister, who looks a little skeptical. Cut to the conversation between Ben and Kacie’s dad, who looks at Ben the same way one would look at a piece of maggot-infested meat. He makes a good point, by saying that if he doesn’t want to pick her, let her know now. Ben is hoping that Kacie’s mom is easier on him, but no luck. Mrs. B says that she wouldn’t want her to move in with Ben if she were to be declared the “winner.” You know, good for these people. At least they are realistic! Kacie, on the other hand, is not having it. What an unexpected turn of events! The visit ends in uncertainty.

We then enter a Texas stereotype, complete with cowboys and steer, as Ben visits Nicki. Is anyone else surprised Nicki is still on the show? I mean, did he really dislike Emily that much? Not that there’s anything wrong with her, but she hasn’t gotten much screen time until the last two episodes or so. The two go try on cowboy gear, and hit up downtown (?) Fort Worth. Nicki is glittered out, and the two of them drink beer, like all Texans apparently do, and then Ben and Nicki discuss her divorce. Again. Snooze.

Nicki’s mom is into Ben, but she’s concerned about Nicki getting her heart broken. Yeah yeah. Nicki’s dad, on the other hand, is worried about giving his permission to the wrong man again. This goes on for awhile, and Nicki eventually tells Ben that she loves him. He doesn’t say it back, but he has a good impression on the day.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, THE MAIN EVENT. The potential freak show! The WTF moment! Courtney’s house. Um. Hold the phone! Courtney is from Scottsdale!? Ten bucks they end up somewhere around Gainey Ranch. Courtney babbles in her baby voice about how excited she is to see Ben, but Ben says he needs to find out about how Courtney relates to people.

Courtney announces to her family that she likes/loves Ben, but Courtney’s mom isn’t buying it. I admit I zoned out throughout most of this visit. After all of the buildup, it was boring. There was a funky commercial break in the middle of their conversation that snapped me back to attention. We return from the commercial to see Ben and Courtney going on a picnic. There’s a wedding set up at the place, and Courtney just so happens to have paper to write vows, a tie, and rings ready for them to have a . . . fake wedding? Um. That’s really weird. Seriously. But rather than being concerned, Ben’s into it, and recites his beautiful vows. Courtney says her vows, which sort of rhyme, but are fairly prosaic. She says she’s in love with him. Ben tosses the words “open” and “vulnerable” around again. Let’s just forget about the fact that if anyone ever set up a wedding on a date, the guy would be out faster than you could say “psycho!”

We have arrived at the cocktail party. Ben is making a “difficult” decision. At this point, I see Kacie being the one eliminated. And if you’re ready, here’s Ben!

Ben thanks the “ladies” for their visits with their families. Hurry up with it already, Ben.

First rose goes to . . . Courtney! No surprise there. She’s going to shimmy her nastiness right into a proposal. Mark my words. Second rose goes to, Lindzi, which leaves Nicki and Kacie left. Who will it be?!

And the final rose goes to . . . Nicki! I knew it! “What the f*** happened!?” Kacie shrieks, as she ugly cries her way to the airport. You know what, Kacie, you are better off. You have good parents. You’ll find someone. Farewell! Here's wishing you a hot drum major.

We get a preview of next week, which finds our merry harem traveling to Switzerland. Looks like it’ll be nice and drama filled. Who do you think has the good(ie)s to take on Courtney? It’s all next week on THE BACHELOR.