A Little "Punch" Drunk

Well, 24 hours into this "journey" and there is already so much drama that I am half expecting a few of the Real Housewives to show up, throw a fake Botox party, and throw some wine into somebody's face. Of course, that may be Kupah's next move, but I am getting ahead of myself.

It's been an unspecified amount of time since night one, but Chris Harrison is here to visit Kaitlyn and wonder whether or not she's feeling insecure about the fact that some of the guys voted for Britt and not her, but she's pressing on, hoping to "make connections" with many more guys throughout this process. Way to keep your chin up, honey. After all, this was probably the only way you were going to be able to "find love." Oh wait...

Three's a Crowd!

Kaitlyn                                                Britt

Well, well, well, Rose Enthusiasts! After many weeks of "speculation" and "suspense" we have our new Bachelorette! Did anyone actually think it was going to be Britt? Anyone? Anyone? 

But, even though there was really no contest on who was actually going to "win" the honor of being courted by 25 guys and subjected to abject humiliation on national television, we still had to sit through THREE HOURS of footage to get to our journey's beginning. 

A Dramatic Conclusion

Welcome, Rose Enthusiasts to what is sure to be a very long three hours of television! It is the night we have all been waiting for - THE FINALE! After avoiding spoilers for months and months and months, I would like to shame thank my #1 Fan, Rylee Nutall, for spoiling the ending for me on Saturday. Thanks, Rylee! But, that's not going to stop me from walking you through the end of this train wreck. It's the least we can do after all of this time wasted together, right?

We pick up Chris's journey back in Arlington, IA, where Chris is trekking through some winter snow in an impeccably tailored pea coat using words like "unsure," "on the fence," and "50/50" to describe his current state of mind. This sounds like a man prepped for wedlock, amiright??? There's nothing more flattering than knowing that you are the lesser of two evils when having a husband choose you!

The Farmer Takes the Hotseat

Welcome back to the Bachelor blog, Rose Enthusiasts! I have been overwhelmed with both work and a wedding, and am happy to be back with you for this season's edition of "The Women Hate Kelsey!" But, before we get to that, let's discuss a few highlights that we missed over the last couple of weeks.

1) Jade. I mean, need I say more about this? In what universe (or at least one that's being broadcast on a major network) is it EVER a good idea to sit down with a potential suitor and check out your internet nudes? If the "check out how hot I am" look on her face during this whole "shameful" situation is any indication, it probably won't be the last time she does it. Anyway, yikes. 

2) Britt. I am slightly obsessed with the fact that there was no reject limo to pick Britt up after she was removed from the running so we had to practically see her decide whether to be awash in a puddle of her own snot or burn the house down. Definitely on par with the Jason Mesnick balcony cry as far as dramatic excellence goes. 

3) How AMAZING was the sigh that Chris emitted when Becca told him she's a virgin? I mean, underground mole people could have heard that thing. Glad he "respects" that though. *wiiiiiink*

I can't regret what I did for "love."

NO TIME FOR AN INTRO THIS WEEK! KELSEY IS ON THE FLOOR!

I knew this episode was going to be great the minute the music started. I would like to say that I was completely turned off by the overdramatics, but I loved every second of it.

So Kelsey is "panicking" and the other girls are supremely unconcerned. They didn't even get off the couch or bother to find out if she's ok. Becca sums up what we are all thinking when she says that she and the other girls are trying to figure out which part of her apparent breakdown is real, and which part is manipulative. The paramedic eventually asks Kelsey what her pain rating is, and she says that she's not in any pain, but would like to see Chris, which, of course, everyone is more than willing to allow her to do. You can almost see the satisfaction in her crazy eyes that her evil scheme is succeeding. She actually starts cackling to the paramedic about how she had better get a rose for all of this trouble.

"Mwahahaha!"

Do you know the way to Santa Fe?

Welcome to the American Southwest, Rose Enthusiasts! Even though New Mexico is the worst thing to hit America since smallpox, this is where we find Chris and his merry harem this week!

"I'm not making this up!"

"I can't form a complete sentence!"

Welcome to another week, Rose Enthusiasts! I don't know about you, but not only do I think that Chris is a total ho, but he's starting to make Juan Pablo look like a Rhodes Scholar, no? I mean, at least JPabs can't speak English and that was half of the reason why he couldn't formulate a complete sentence, but, really, they aren't showing a whole lot of Chris's confessionals. I don't want to say he's a few kernels short of a whole ear of corn, but . . .

This week's episode brought to you by Altoids.

Welcome back, Rose Enthusiasts! Sorry for the delay on the blog this week! 

Ok, let's just get to it, people. Chris is a make-out slut. I mean, come the heck on, buddy! Aren't you afraid your lips are going to get tired? Are you doing that phantom make out thing when you're alone because your lips have moved so much? IS THERE SOMEONE THERE TO CATCH THE DROOL??? All I can say is that Binaca and any sort of quick-dry towel brand made a serious mistake not sponsoring this season.  

Hokay, so we open this week playing the clip that they showed at the end of last week's episode, where Jimmy Kimmel comes to wake up Chris very early in the morning to inform him that he's taking over the show this week, and will be planning the dates, etc. Did Harrison have to be in court or something? Anyway, I rather liked Jimmy's take on it. He was a nice blend of keeping the fantasy alive as well as acknowledging the general ridiculousness that happens regularly on this program. My favorite thing that he did was call everyone out on the overuse of the word "amazing" by bringing out the Amazing Jar, where every time someone said it, they had to put a dollar in the jar. Brilliant! Now, if only I could get paid every time someone said it. . . 

Resurrection Monday

Welcome back for week 2, Rose Enthusiasts! I have to admit, when they announced that Chris was going to be our hero this season, I was worried that he would be too nice to be entertaining. Not so! Our boy Chris is kind of a slut (judging from how many girls he kissed tonight), and that may not get him far with the Morality and/or Common Sense Police, but since when do we care about morality or common sense on this show? 

We pick up this week in the early morning hours after the first cocktail party (have we EVER seen a night one that lasted until the sun went up? Yikes. Longest night ever.) and Kimberly the Yoga teacher wants to make sure Chris is sure that he's just not that into her flexible self and begs him for another chance. Despite the fact that "no" usually means "NO!" in these situations, never underestimate the power of stilettos and a tight dress, because Kimberly is back in! For now, anyway. You'd think the girls would be disgusted, but honestly, they look too tired to care. 

A few short hours later, the girls and Chris are awake and semi-functional. Harrison, ever plucky, asks Chris, "Do you remember anything from last night?" to which Chris implies that he remembers little. That's probably better, Chris. Start fresh. Maybe everyone won't be drunken messes tonight. Doubtful, but maybe. 

Prince Farming is Here!

"I'm from Iowa!"

Well, well, well, Rose Enthusiasts! We have returned from a much too long hiatus for yet another season of drama, tears, and discarded foliage. Welcome to another season of the best train-wreck on television, THE BACHELOR! It shouldn't amaze me that there is an apparent surplus of emotionally unstable women willing to exploit themselves on national television in pursuit of free alcohol love, but, either way, it entertains me, and I am satisfied. 

This season, we are re-introduced to Farmer/Hottie Chris Soules, who was the classiest dude on television when he got dumped pre-fantasy suite by Andi on The Bachelorette. Considering that Andi went on to "make love with" (eww) Normcore Crybaby Nick and not Chris, this can only say good things about him, right?