Tuesday, March 3, 2015

The Farmer Takes the Hotseat

Welcome back to the Bachelor blog, Rose Enthusiasts! I have been overwhelmed with both work and a wedding, and am happy to be back with you for this season's edition of "The Women Hate Kelsey!" But, before we get to that, let's discuss a few highlights that we missed over the last couple of weeks.

1) Jade. I mean, need I say more about this? In what universe (or at least one that's being broadcast on a major network) is it EVER a good idea to sit down with a potential suitor and check out your internet nudes? If the "check out how hot I am" look on her face during this whole "shameful" situation is any indication, it probably won't be the last time she does it. Anyway, yikes. 

2) Britt. I am slightly obsessed with the fact that there was no reject limo to pick Britt up after she was removed from the running so we had to practically see her decide whether to be awash in a puddle of her own snot or burn the house down. Definitely on par with the Jason Mesnick balcony cry as far as dramatic excellence goes. 

3) How AMAZING was the sigh that Chris emitted when Becca told him she's a virgin? I mean, underground mole people could have heard that thing. Glad he "respects" that though. *wiiiiiink*

Enough of that though, let's get to this! Chris Harrison is in the confession chair, and the women are lined up and ready to tell us everything! This evening, we will be hearing from . . . Nikki (who?), Trina, Juelia (widow), Tara (drunkorexic), Amber (token woman of color), Megan (thinks New Mexico is a foreign country), Samantha (cardboard cutout), Jordan (drunken twerker), Ashley S (Onion Girl), Jillian (censor bar), Kelsey (Black Widow), Britt, Mackenzie (named kid after vegetable), Ashley I (her mouth is not a virgin), Jade (super naked), Carly, and Kaitlyn (for Bachelorette!). All the women get cheers, except for Kelsey, of course, who looks amused by the audience's disdain. 

We began with a general montage of drama from the season, and it was brilliant. After it's done, the camera pans to Britt who is - surprise surprise - tearing up. She immediately turns to Carly and is all "Girl, why did you pretend to be my friend? I mean, we were braiding each other's hair and stuff, and you just said all of that!" This essentially devolves into a lot of blame casting, where Britt basically tries to find out why Carly "thought she was evil" in order to avoid the real issue, which is that she is fakety fake fake fake.

Harrison intervenes and brings Britt up to the front. Carly tries to explain to Britt that she was the third person who told Chris that she was fake, but Britt isn't having it and says it doesn't matter. Jillian is also not on board with this explanation, and attempts to defend Britt, while also shouting that Carly bashed her by saying that Jillian has male genitalia, and that that also soured her relationship with Chris. Yikes, even in the Bachelorverse, that's pretty low. Jillian continues to yell about how Britt is the most pure-hearted person she's ever met (Britt's pageant cry here was glorious) until Harrison finally tells her to calm it down. It was so intense, that the arguing continued even after the commercial break. 

"Don't drag me into this."
When we return, Carly attempts to explain the "Britt doesn't want to be in Arlington" comment she made to Chris, and Britt basically does everything except deny that she said that she'd rather marry an orangutan than live in Arlington ("so many stories about me!" she laments), and as it becomes clear that this is the least productive conversation since Donald Trump last spoke with a barber, Harrison brings it full circle and asks Britt why she came on the show. With a giant sob, she says that she was "this close" to finding love. Ok, I don't know if I believe anything of what she says, but whether or not she wants to live in Iowa doesn't excuse her completely psycho behavior at the last cocktail party. No one wants crazy, and girl was crazy. 

When we return from the commercial break and we get to see a little off the record whining from Britt, where she basically tells Harrison that she totally was going to win and it was all Carly's fault and blah blah. Please. Let the man alone and follow the nice man with the boom back to your seat.

Next up, Kelsey! After we get a summary of her less-than-flattering behavior, she declares that she is "betrayed," and like she is "grieving all over again" like when her husband died (What? He died??). Yeah, being a total witch on a reality show and then having people find out about it is exaaaaaactly the same. Harrison throws her a softball and asks her why she thinks the women dislike her so much, and she says that she's "heard a lot of reasons" like that she "uses big words" and is "condescending" but launches into a speech about how she "wasn't respectfully told" how she was coming across and how she just "wants to be accepted, warts and all." *pause for vomit break* Chris then asks her if she thinks she is better than the other women, and she says, "How do you evaluate humanity? I know I am different, and I just wanted to advocate for myself." The best part about all of this is that the women tried to interrupt at least five times, with Harrison shutting it down at least twice. Man, they REALLY don't like her, and it is great! 

"Is she for real?"
When the floor is opened up to the women, Juelia goes first and says that she has "literally never met anyone more fake in her entire life" and basically says that being a widow is no excuse for being a troll. Megan also jumps in here and says that her father passed away in the same way as Kelsey's husband, and that her mom was particularly offended by the way that Kelsey spoke of her husband, and that grieving shouldn't be an excuse, because if she was grieving, why would she even be there? There is more mud slung about, with Samantha (who is evidently not a cardboard cutout) saying that she thinks that Kelsey's fake panic attack was the reason she went home, and a few of the other girls saying that no rose at all is better than a "sympathy rose." The segment concludes with Kelsey asking for "forgiveness" and Ashley I. not accepting her apology, and Kelsey going on and on and on again about how "amazing" she is and how "strong" and how "fake..." Oh wait, sorry, that last one was me. The whole segment was worth its weight in reaction shots, which is why I suspect we got to see Kelsey again even after the "Kelsey Tells All" special a few weeks ago.

"I'm growing onions now."
Ashley S. is in the hot seat next, and my goodness, she's a hot mess. We got to see some never-before-seen Ashley footage, and let me tell you, the shot of her with an axe was particularly terrifying.  She brings Chris an onion and explains that the onion tree looked so fake. And Mesa Verde is cool. And she found the gamblers. And she was bored. And the cats didn't talk back to her. And she likes to ride bikes. This is her. Harrison then says what we're all thinking and asks her to be on Bachelor in Paradise (#YOPO) and she responds, "it's just so weird that we are on TV." Ashley S., ladies and gentlemen! 

Next up is Jade, who doesn't have much to say except that she doesn't believe that Chris really didn't send her home because of the Playboy pics (we don't either, Jade.) Kaitlyn is interviewed after Jade, and she, too, is confused about why Chris let her go. I genuinely feel bad for her, because Chris broke the number one Bachelor sin, which is that he told Kaitlyn that he was falling in love with her. Funny that they'll let the Bachelor sleep with whoever he wants, but love? That's off the table! In any case, no one deserves to have someone say that to them and then get dumped, so I feel you, girl! 

It's the moment we have all been waiting for! Chris is here everyone! Naturally, Britt practically bounds off the couch, and this conversation takes place:

Britt: *awkward hug*

- 20 minutes later - 

Britt: I am so proud of you for letting me go. I would have done the same thing if I had been fooled by Carly. I mean, what a hosebeast, right?

Chris: No, I pretty much wanted to get as far away from you as I possibly could. So, no hard feelings, K?

Britt: *exhaustive sob*

It was glorious. Next up was Jade, whose conversation went sort of like this:

Jade: Why did you say you were disturbed by my nudes? That was hurtful.

Chris: I mean,Yeah. I've never done that before so... But I promise I didn't dump you because of that. Aww, shucks. I'm cute.

Jade: Ok. I believe you.

The best announcement of the night, however, came after Chris's interview and the blooper reel, which is that CHRIS HARRISON HAS WRITTEN A ROMANCE NOVEL. Has Christmas come early? I think so!  You can bet your sweet life I'll be reading and reviewing what is sure to be a behemoth disaster.

Until next week, faithful Rose Enthusiasts, I'll be touching up my pageant crying skills. Kisses!

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