"I'm not making this up!"

"I can't form a complete sentence!"

Welcome to another week, Rose Enthusiasts! I don't know about you, but not only do I think that Chris is a total ho, but he's starting to make Juan Pablo look like a Rhodes Scholar, no? I mean, at least JPabs can't speak English and that was half of the reason why he couldn't formulate a complete sentence, but, really, they aren't showing a whole lot of Chris's confessionals. I don't want to say he's a few kernels short of a whole ear of corn, but . . .

This week's episode brought to you by Altoids.

Welcome back, Rose Enthusiasts! Sorry for the delay on the blog this week! 

Ok, let's just get to it, people. Chris is a make-out slut. I mean, come the heck on, buddy! Aren't you afraid your lips are going to get tired? Are you doing that phantom make out thing when you're alone because your lips have moved so much? IS THERE SOMEONE THERE TO CATCH THE DROOL??? All I can say is that Binaca and any sort of quick-dry towel brand made a serious mistake not sponsoring this season.  

Hokay, so we open this week playing the clip that they showed at the end of last week's episode, where Jimmy Kimmel comes to wake up Chris very early in the morning to inform him that he's taking over the show this week, and will be planning the dates, etc. Did Harrison have to be in court or something? Anyway, I rather liked Jimmy's take on it. He was a nice blend of keeping the fantasy alive as well as acknowledging the general ridiculousness that happens regularly on this program. My favorite thing that he did was call everyone out on the overuse of the word "amazing" by bringing out the Amazing Jar, where every time someone said it, they had to put a dollar in the jar. Brilliant! Now, if only I could get paid every time someone said it. . . 

Resurrection Monday

Welcome back for week 2, Rose Enthusiasts! I have to admit, when they announced that Chris was going to be our hero this season, I was worried that he would be too nice to be entertaining. Not so! Our boy Chris is kind of a slut (judging from how many girls he kissed tonight), and that may not get him far with the Morality and/or Common Sense Police, but since when do we care about morality or common sense on this show? 

We pick up this week in the early morning hours after the first cocktail party (have we EVER seen a night one that lasted until the sun went up? Yikes. Longest night ever.) and Kimberly the Yoga teacher wants to make sure Chris is sure that he's just not that into her flexible self and begs him for another chance. Despite the fact that "no" usually means "NO!" in these situations, never underestimate the power of stilettos and a tight dress, because Kimberly is back in! For now, anyway. You'd think the girls would be disgusted, but honestly, they look too tired to care. 

A few short hours later, the girls and Chris are awake and semi-functional. Harrison, ever plucky, asks Chris, "Do you remember anything from last night?" to which Chris implies that he remembers little. That's probably better, Chris. Start fresh. Maybe everyone won't be drunken messes tonight. Doubtful, but maybe. 

Prince Farming is Here!

"I'm from Iowa!"

Well, well, well, Rose Enthusiasts! We have returned from a much too long hiatus for yet another season of drama, tears, and discarded foliage. Welcome to another season of the best train-wreck on television, THE BACHELOR! It shouldn't amaze me that there is an apparent surplus of emotionally unstable women willing to exploit themselves on national television in pursuit of free alcohol love, but, either way, it entertains me, and I am satisfied. 

This season, we are re-introduced to Farmer/Hottie Chris Soules, who was the classiest dude on television when he got dumped pre-fantasy suite by Andi on The Bachelorette. Considering that Andi went on to "make love with" (eww) Normcore Crybaby Nick and not Chris, this can only say good things about him, right?