Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Resurrection Monday

Welcome back for week 2, Rose Enthusiasts! I have to admit, when they announced that Chris was going to be our hero this season, I was worried that he would be too nice to be entertaining. Not so! Our boy Chris is kind of a slut (judging from how many girls he kissed tonight), and that may not get him far with the Morality and/or Common Sense Police, but since when do we care about morality or common sense on this show? 

We pick up this week in the early morning hours after the first cocktail party (have we EVER seen a night one that lasted until the sun went up? Yikes. Longest night ever.) and Kimberly the Yoga teacher wants to make sure Chris is sure that he's just not that into her flexible self and begs him for another chance. Despite the fact that "no" usually means "NO!" in these situations, never underestimate the power of stilettos and a tight dress, because Kimberly is back in! For now, anyway. You'd think the girls would be disgusted, but honestly, they look too tired to care. 

A few short hours later, the girls and Chris are awake and semi-functional. Harrison, ever plucky, asks Chris, "Do you remember anything from last night?" to which Chris implies that he remembers little. That's probably better, Chris. Start fresh. Maybe everyone won't be drunken messes tonight. Doubtful, but maybe. 

Harrison then visits the ladies, and wastes no time pointing out that Chris is living just down the driveway, and oh, here we go with Chris in the outdoor shower again. Tell me, is there an actual shower inside the house, or are we going to be subjected to this every week? We listen to some nonsensical musings from the women, and Chris does his contractually ordered lathering. Harrison points out that there are no rules here (have there ever been rules?), and that the ladies are welcome to visit Chris whenever they want. Because that will surely go well. 

The first date this week is a group date, on which will be Jade, Tandra, Ashley I, Mackenzie, Kimberly and Tara. The card reads "show me your country" and Mackenzie is SO excited she wore her overalls today! Perfect! There are some (pretty rightfully placed) sour grapes about Kimberly getting to go on the date when she didn't actually get a rose at the rose ceremony, but it isn't too long before we figure out why, because, guess what we will be doing on the date? If you guessed a discussion of the pastoral motifs in Thomas Cole's paintings, you are as drunk as Jordan. It's bikini tractor racing, y'all, and Kimberly has the perfect body for it! Also, clearly that's what all farmers do. Literally, the only thought I had during this was the Seinfeld episode with the "tractor story." Because the indignity of this activity isn't enough, the girls and Chris parade through downtown Los Angeles like what I imagine Chris Brown thinks is happening in his head every time he walks down the street. 

Mackenzie's brethren.
The winner of the tractor race is Ashley I, who allegedly wins some more alone time with Chris than the other girls, but all I saw was the two of them sharing a very small seat atop the winning tractor, and it looked mighty uncomfortable. Eventually, Chris gets to choose one girl to spend some more time with, and apparently the overalls have their charm, because completely inexplicably, he chooses Mackenzie! The two of them go to a bar, where Mackenzie panics because she has to find the right time to tell Chris that she has a child, and he is named after a superfood (what I consider the real troublesome bit). Before she can get to this bombshell though, she proves the theory that guys will put up with a mess of insanity or immaturity if it looks good enough in a bathing suit, because she asks Chris questions such as "OMG, did you have your ears pierced?" and "Do you believe in aliens?" (to be fair, Chris admits that this may be a bit of a red flag), and makes comments about how much she enjoys big noses on men. Does that mean that Chris has a big nose, Mackenzie? Is this a compliment? I genuinely don't know. When Mackenzie finally gets around to telling Chris about her son, Chris is unbelievably gracious, and doesn't roll his eyes when Mackenzie says that the best thing about her son is that he gasps when he's surprised by something (it's every parent's dream), or that her kid is named after 2013's most popular vegetable trend. I was genuinely surprised that she got the rose (he even kissed her on the dancefloor!), but I suppose we can't remove the crazy quota too soon. 

Meanwhile, back at the mansh, Jordan is drunk. The end. 

Ding-dong! The next date card has arrived, and no, Megan, it's not a love-note from Chris, you get to go on an actual date! Considering the rest of the episode, this date is pretty boring. Chris and Megan overuse words like "beautiful," "awesome," and "spectacular" to describe their helicopter trip into the Grand Canyon (which, admittedly, definitely looked like one of their better planned dates. I would jump right on board with it), and Megan tells Chris about her father dying unexpectedly a few weeks before filming. Because no one can say no to a sob story, Megan gets the rose. They make out. End of date.

The real action in tonight's episode took place on the second group date, which was, hands down, one of the best segments the show has produced in some time, mostly due to the GENIUS casting of Ashley S. (the one who got confused over the onion/pomegranate last week), who is either the best actress of all time, or certifiably insane. Either way, I LOVED it. When the date card arrives, Amber the bartender tells us that her heart "literally pumps" every time she sees the date card. I hope it literally pumps all the time, Amber, otherwise, that's concerning. The lucky harem attending this date will be Kelsey, Trina, Alissa, Tracey, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashley S, Juelia, Kaitlyn, and Britt. The card reads "'til death do us part," and I think Kaitlyn sums it up nicely when she says, "Death is like 0% romantic." Well said, girl. 

Anyway, the girls pile into the Bachelor Bimbousineand head into a set straight outta Dexter's kill room. "This is what nightmares are made of," declares one of the girls. After some slight panic, ZOMBIES COME INTO THE CAR! AAAAAAAAAUGHAAAHGAHGAH! Chris also jumps in and attempts to calm the ladies after the zombie panic, and we find out that tonight's event is using a paintball gun to take care of some zombies (Did anyone else wonder who in their right mind volunteered to dress up as zombies and GET SHOT AT for this event? No thanks, says I)! Kaitlyn is pumped about this because killing zombies "is her jam." Whatever you say. 

At this point, we are reintroduced to the complete lunacy that is taking place inside what's left of Ashley S.'s brain. First, she is confused by the rules of the game, and the other girls have to tell her repeatedly not to shoot at the other humans, but to shoot the zombies. "I would never shoot you!" Ashley says emphatically. Kaitlyn insists to the camera that Ashley shouldn't be allowed to use a fork or wet noodle, much less a firing weapon, and she is proven absolutely correct, because Ashley proceeds to go full terminator on the zombies, shooting them all over the place and after they are down on the ground. Again, these zombies had no idea what they were volunteering for.  

While all of this is going on, Ashley keeps up the steady stream of nonsense coming from her mouth, announcing to the group that she feels like she is in Mesa Verde ("like, the Mesa Ver-de"). Her musings  got so bizarre that I half expected her to admit that she has indeed had part of her brain removed and is convinced she's a bunny. Someone asks her who she thinks is getting the rose on the date, and she says, "Oh, who do you think is getting the rose? Maybe an ANGEL!" When she disappears from the group for awhile, she comes back and says to the group that she "heard the truth, boom!" and tells the girls to "go find their own way to the truth." She also crashes Chris's confessional interview, and he tries his best to engage her in conversation, but she suggests playing hide-and-go-seek, asks if they are in a dome, and says something about losing your soul that completely befuddles everyone around. I tell you, whoever found her deserves a raise! 

I feel like I should also mention that during the group date, Chris made out with Britt and with Kaitlyn, but Kaitlyn got the rose. Ooooh. Conflict. 

There were a few highlights from the cocktail party, but the biggest WTF moment came from Ashley I., who announced to the girls that she is a virgin. Mackenzie is so upset that she hadn't thought of pretending to be one on the show, because, after all "guys love to take your virginity." Ashley's weirdness didn't stem from her announcement however, it came from her interaction with Chris, where she compared herself to princess Jasmine and had Chris rub her belly button ring (which was supposedly a magic lamp) and get three wishes. First, GROSS. Belly buttons are disgusting, yo. I wouldn't want anyone sticking their hand in there. And second, Chris is a grown man! Treat him like one.  But, despite this, Chris is a man, so they make out, but Ashley's inexperience totally comes out here, because she grabs his head and holds onto it for dear life while she kisses him so fiercely that I thought his head was going to pop off. He's not an olive, Ashley! You don't have to squeeze the pit out! 

The other cocktail party drama was that Jordan and Tara were both drunk. Again. Zzzz. And, clink clink! It's time for the rose ceremony! Getting roses tonight are: 

Ashley I.
Juelia - NOT JILLIAN, who falls over in her enthusiasm
Now your turn, Jillian
Whitney (oh hello crazy annoying voice girl, nice to see you again)
and .... Ashley S.??? Seriously? Wow. 

Leaving us tonight are Kimberly (again! No means no this time!), Tara ("I'll get used to rejection one day. This will haunt me for the rest of my life.") Tandra, Alissa, and Drunk Jordan ("Maybe I should have kissed him?" No honey. No you shouldn't have.)

Whew! Enough drama for me for awhile, Rose Enthusiasts! I'll see you next week, and until then, I'll be researching psychiatrists in the greater Los Angeles area to recommend to Ashley S and her family members. 

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