Thursday, January 22, 2015

This week's episode brought to you by Altoids.

Welcome back, Rose Enthusiasts! Sorry for the delay on the blog this week! 

Ok, let's just get to it, people. Chris is a make-out slut. I mean, come the heck on, buddy! Aren't you afraid your lips are going to get tired? Are you doing that phantom make out thing when you're alone because your lips have moved so much? IS THERE SOMEONE THERE TO CATCH THE DROOL??? All I can say is that Binaca and any sort of quick-dry towel brand made a serious mistake not sponsoring this season.  

Hokay, so we open this week playing the clip that they showed at the end of last week's episode, where Jimmy Kimmel comes to wake up Chris very early in the morning to inform him that he's taking over the show this week, and will be planning the dates, etc. Did Harrison have to be in court or something? Anyway, I rather liked Jimmy's take on it. He was a nice blend of keeping the fantasy alive as well as acknowledging the general ridiculousness that happens regularly on this program. My favorite thing that he did was call everyone out on the overuse of the word "amazing" by bringing out the Amazing Jar, where every time someone said it, they had to put a dollar in the jar. Brilliant! Now, if only I could get paid every time someone said it. . . 

Jimmy also brings the first date card with him, and it's for . . . Kaitlyn! The date card says that they will be joining an exclusive club with unlimited hors d'oeuvres. Hmmm. The mind reels. "We're at Costco?!" marvels Kaitlyn when the limo pulls into the parking lot. "Mwahahahaaha!" says Jimmy, that trickster. The date will involve going on a Costco run to pick up copious amounts of ketchup and the ingredients for dinner, for which Jimmy will be in attendance. Well played, producers. I love it.  After they pick up the necessary accoutrements for their dinner, Chris and Kaitlyn spend some time playing the games and rolling around in a giant inflatable ball. Yeesh. I feel sorry for anyone who was actually shopping there. Of course, while in the ball, they kiss, giving Chris his first workout of the night. Looking back, he probably should have bought chapstick in bulk. 

When they get back to the house and sit down with Jimmy, he breaks out the big guns, making fun of Kaitlyn's inconsistencies (she dated a "legit" farmer, like with cows and stuff..), and asking if Kaitlyn would be ok with Chris having sex with all of the girls in the fantasy suite (She says she would...I call shenanigans), and telling Chris that he should have sex with everyone on the show. My favorite part though was when Chris was giving a toast at the end of dinner and Jimmy stops him and tells him it was terrible and to start over. Thank you so much, Jimmy! You got Chris to show an iota of personality! And the speech was really terrible. Anyway, Kaitlyn gets the rose. No surprise there. It actually looked like they really enjoyed themselves. 

Before the next group date begins, we get a nice montage of Jillian working out. The censor bar also gets another workout covering her butt for like the jillionth time so far this season. Did she not bring any clothes that actually cover her entire butt? Is it just so Kardashian-esque that it doesn't fit into any clothes anywhere? Are the editors just messing with us? Suffice it to say, Jillian is a beast. 

"Cows moo at my sheer girth."
Coming with Jimmy to today's group date will be Ashley S. (who manages to leave the date without having a psychotic break . . . must not have been enough booze there), Jillian, Carly, Becca, Amber, Britt, Kelsey, Mackenzie, two brunettes who must not get any screen time because I can't remember their names and didn't write them down, and Juelia. Jimmy has devised a bit of a farm-based obstacle course. The girls will be required to shuck corn, gather eggs and crack one without breaking the yolk, milk a goat and drink the milk (big LOL that Carly might be allergic but is going to brave anaphylaxis in the name of "love"), shoveling manure, and wrestling a pig. Naturally, Jillian is thrilled that the challenge is so physical and basically declares herself the winner before she even starts. Let's also take a minute to marvel at Jillian's man-like armpits.

The challenge goes smoothly enough, with Jillian leading for most of it, but, the winner ends up being Carly, who catches a lucky break during the pig-wrestle. Amber comments that she didn't enjoy drinking the goat milk because she doesn't enjoy "warm, salty things in her mouth." Um, you are on the wrong show. Anyway, Carly get a blue ribbon for winning and gets to dress up in the American Gothic garb with Chris and take a photo. That's it? That's her big reward? She did some gross stuff, man. She should at least get a delicious bacon sandwich for all of her trouble. 

"Why wouldn't Chris kiss everyone? Maybe he's an angel!"
The after-party begins with Carly pulling Chris aside and announcing that she is a woman and Chris is a man and she wants to take advantage of that. And cue make-out! This is the first of many during this little soirée, where Chris manages to make out with . . . are you ready for it? Five different women during the date. Five. I mean, did he even have time to rinse his mouth in between? Amber makes a rookie mistake during her sesh by telling Chris to "make-believe it's our wedding." Yikes. Calm down, girl. Mackenzie makes a bold move and straight up asks him why he's kissing so many women, to which Chris gives a pretty vague answer (we understand Chris. You're a guy). The real winner on this date, however, is Becca, who chooses to set herself apart and not take part in the rampant making out and gets herself a date rose in the process. Way to go, Becca! 

The next date card arrives and is addressed to . . . Whiny Voice Whitney! Oh goody. Can't say I'm looking forward to any segment which features her constant Chipette impression. The date card says that the day is going to be fun and "no whining!" which is pretty non-descript. The producers lead us to believe that the two of them just happen to be next to a wedding and decide to crash it, which I don't believe any more than I believe that none of these girls has a communicable disease, mostly because you know they had to get permission from the people they talked to to show their images on the show, so the producers HAD to have cleared their being there with someone. It sort of ruined the whole thing for me. I mean, I know the dates are fake, but this was ESPECIALLY fake. Anyway, Whitney gets the rose, and, no shock, they make out at the end.

I have to confess to you all that when they came back from commercial and there was yet ANOTHER shot of Chris in the outdoor shower, I almost threw something at the TV. Yes. Chris is ripped. Yes, we can enjoy him lathering, but does it have to be every single week?? I know they had Jimmy in there as a joke and that was part of it, but I really am growing weary of the shower scenes.

The cocktail party this week is actually going to be a pool party! No one is more upset about this than Ashley I, who was planning her Kardashian look and had to downgrade it to a bikini look. First world problem, Ashley. There's one person not complaining though, and that's Chris, who declares that if he could have a pool party with 18 women every day, he would. Real classy, man. Aren't you here for serious love? *wink wink*

During the pool party, Juelia takes the time to tell Chris about her husband's suicide, and Chris was very understanding about the whole thing. Incidentally, I read more about Juelia's story online this week, and I find it sort of sick that she was cast on the show so soon after her husband killed himself. It just seems like it's the kind of exploitive that I don't feel good about.

"They didn't even bother to blur Jade's boob?!"
After this, Chris immediately starts making out with Britt again. After Britt, Jade asks Chris if she can "see his place" and of course, Chris obliges. They make out on the bed. OMG is that her boob? I mean. That's her boob, right? They didn't even bother blurring it out!
Whoaaaa. While Chris is getting to second base with Jade, Jillian and her thonged behind are waiting in the hot tub to embark on her own make-out. I mean seriously, Chris's mouth had to have been SO dry after all of this furious kissing. Ashley I. is super mad that the other girls are more aggressive than she is, and cries all over her confessional over the "outrageous" behavior of the other girls. No one is stopping you from being aggressive, Ashley! If you want to get with Chris, GET WITH HIM. Don't whine because the other girls are going for it! Ok, end rant. Eventually, she does get her time, but not after she throws a bit of a fit, walks up the driveway, and drops her wine glass, and also gets her extraordinarily awkward make-out. I mean, honestly, she almost pulled him off the roof. I hope they had a trapeze net down there. Yikes.

When it's time to dole out the roses, they go to:

Samantha (WHO EVEN IS THIS?)
Ashley S. (yayyyyy!)
Nikki (no idea who this is either)
and ... Ashley I.

That means that Tracey (who?), Trina (I don't know who?) and Amber (token black girl) will be going home. They never really showed them, so who cares?

The real highlight of this episode was the preview for next week, which features the infamous campout, where Chris is inevitably going to go too far with one of the girls. YES! Finally some serious action, and hopefully, Ashley S. will be back with more shenanigans. Until then, I am going to go do some squats.

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