Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Prince Farming is Here!

"I'm from Iowa!"
Well, well, well, Rose Enthusiasts! We have returned from a much too long hiatus for yet another season of drama, tears, and discarded foliage. Welcome to another season of the best train-wreck on television, THE BACHELOR! It shouldn't amaze me that there is an apparent surplus of emotionally unstable women willing to exploit themselves on national television in pursuit of free alcohol love, but, either way, it entertains me, and I am satisfied. 

This season, we are re-introduced to Farmer/Hottie Chris Soules, who was the classiest dude on television when he got dumped pre-fantasy suite by Andi on The Bachelorette. Considering that Andi went on to "make love with" (eww) Normcore Crybaby Nick and not Chris, this can only say good things about him, right? 

I have to say, Chris's intro package is one of my favorites that they have ever had on the show. Between the shirtless grain-shoveling (did this remind ANYONE else of Scrooge McDuck swimming in his money??), push-ups aided by hay bales, squats using a rock (because Iowa is ghetto and has no fitness equipment), a jaunt in an outdoor shower (because Chris is ripped rugged), and Chris discussing "bushels" surrounded by a table of old men at a diner to emphasize the lack of available young people or women in Arlington, I could not have been more delighted! During the intro, we see appearances from Chris's sisters (to remind us all that Chris is LOADED) and everyone's favorite roided out Kewpie, Cody, who assists in the gratuitous farm fitness routine. Nice to see you all again! 

When we arrive at La Casa Bachelor, the two Chrises (Harrison and our Hero, respectively), chat amiably about the imminent arrival of the "ladies," and when they arrive, boy are there some winners! Because night one has so many personalities to handle, I would like to reintroduce Night One Bachelor Superlatives! 

Worst "Love" Metaphors goes to Alissa, a flight attendant who leaves us with classics such as "there will be no smoking on the aircraft, unless you're smoking hot!" 

Most Adorable Meet-Cute: Kelsey, a guidance counselor who lost her husband unexpectedly a couple of years ago. Their exchange about just being a "regular guy/girl" was so presh I almost fell off the couch. 

"I should be sent home because I named my child after a vegetable": Mackenzie, who named her kid Kale. Granted, she is only 21, which makes me feel even sorrier for her, because she clearly has no idea she's fitting the "clueless single mom" quota this season. But seriously, someone tell Chris her kid's name, and quickly. 

Most Likely to be Confused with a Pack Animal: Jillian, a news producer with - no joke - the largest thighs I have ever seen on this program, including Cody's. She likes to dead-lift like a man, and we need to be ok with it. 

Most Annoying Voice Ever. EVER: Whitney, a fertility nurse (she actually uses the word "insemination" during her intro with Chris. Yikes.), who sounds like what I imagine a cross-breed between Fran Drescher and one of the Teletubbies would sound like. She also gets bonus points for the most pathetic of all the intros, by actually allowing the producers to film her looking longingly at a public wedding shoot. Save yourself some dignity, Whitney, it's only the first episode. 
"I am Norma Bates!"

Most Likely to Have Sprung From the Loins of Norman Bates: Amanda, who not only has the crazy eyes, but actually sneaks up on Chris and doesn't have him look at her so that she can be his "secret admirer" and has to come find her in the house. That's not weird. She also announces that she is "f___ing crazy" and that's why she's still single. Yikes. Run! 

I'm Here to Fill a Quota, but at Least There's Free Wine: Token black girl Amber, who we don't get to hear much about, and Bo, a plus-size model. They must REALLY not have wanted her to make it past night one, because her dress is pretty much ugliest one I've ever seen, and her name is BO. Seriously? Seriously? 

Creepiest Creepster 2.0: Reegan, who works in a tissue bank, and actually brings a cooler with a fake heart in it. WHO TOLD YOU THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA? One Tree Hill already did this and it ended poorly! At least fill the cooler with roses or cookies or something! 

The Reason the Infantilization of Women is Rampant: Carly, who is wearing a little girl's princess dress, carrying a pink karaoke machine, and singing a made-up song. She reminded me of my cousin's three-year-old, and not in a good way. 

We Learned Our Lesson with Boobs McGee Lucy Last Season, so We'll try a Less Severe Hippie: Britt, who is filmed walking around LA offering free hugs. She's the first one out of the limo, and she pulls Chris into an awkwardly long embrace. Like several ice ages long and awkward. Evidently, he's into her though because not only does she get the First Impression Rose, but she also gets the first make out sesh of the season! She might actually be a contender. 

We Haven't Blurred any Nether Regions in Awhile, So Why Not? Award: Brittany, who is - get this - a WWE Diva in Training. She trots up to the mansh wearing what appears to be a scant amount of leftover doilies sewn together to just barely cover her hoo-ha. They blurred her crotch on not one, not two, but on at least three occasions during her short tenure. Impressive. 

 Someone Needs to Get Sloppy Drunk, so it Might as Well be Me: Tara, who showed up out of the limo dressed in shorts and a flannel shirt to demonstrate to Chris how down-to-earth and normal she is. Pretty bold. I was into it. However, upon receiving looks that could traumatize puppies from the other "ladies," she runs back, changes into a dress apropos for a funeral and sneaks back around to "reintroduce" herself to Chris, and it is just sad. To recover from this double humiliation, she spends some quality time with her friends Jack Daniels and Jim Beam and with their generous help, manages to almost fall off the risers during the rose ceremony. Oh, Tara, if you are going to drink that much, at least wear flats.

There were quite a few other winners, like drove up on a motorcycle chick, 4th grade teacher/maybe cat lady chick, chick with a title card that said 25 but a neck that said 40, chick with the fake pig nose, but my two favorites were:

Kaitlyn, a dance teacher, who proceeded to tell Chris that he could "plow the f___ out of her fields any day" and then tell a joke during the first toast that made me never want to look at sea wildlife the same way again. Her next move leads me to believe that her "dance" instruction usually involves cylindrical metal rods of considerable height, as she puts her leggings on and teaches Chris some potentially slutty moves. Instinctively, I reached into my purse for some ones...


"I'm mystified by fruit!"
Ashley S., a hairstylist, who not only had one of the worst heads of hair on the show, got pretty outrageously wasted and announced to Chris her dream of "riding through sunflowers on a horse" and then got horrifically distracted by a mysterious fruit during her interview. Her musings went something like this:

"Ok. That to me is an onion if you want to take a look. It's blooming. Take a freaking look at this onion. I'm not even kidding. I swear it's an onion. Can I please just pick it?! If it's a pomegranate then God bless it! It is a pomegranate! It is! Wow. I feel powerful!"

Clearly, she is going to go far in life.

The rose ceremony had its usual ups and downs, including a bemused Chris leaving in the middle to reconsider his plan to give Tara a rose after her sloppy drunk showcase on the risers, but, he perseveres, and these ladies live to see another rose ceremony:

Kaitlyn (eww!)
Ashley I. 
Juelia (can we discuss the crack-addled people that spelled their child's name this way?)
Nameless Blonde (actual quote from my notes)
Tara (get her some coffee)

and the final rose of the night goes to:

The onion enthusiast, Ashley I.!

Judging from the selection, this is going to be a GREAT season. Maybe not for Chris, but certainly for sick onlookers like me. Until next week, enjoy this picture of our own Love Guru, doing what he does best.

Love ya, Harrison!

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