Thursday, January 29, 2015

"I'm not making this up!"

"I can't form a complete sentence!"
Welcome to another week, Rose Enthusiasts! I don't know about you, but not only do I think that Chris is a total ho, but he's starting to make Juan Pablo look like a Rhodes Scholar, no? I mean, at least JPabs can't speak English and that was half of the reason why he couldn't formulate a complete sentence, but, really, they aren't showing a whole lot of Chris's confessionals. I don't want to say he's a few kernels short of a whole ear of corn, but . . .

So, we begin the week at Casa Bachelor, where Chris Harrison, fresh off his week off, visits the ladies and reminds him that Chris is here to find a venereal disease wife, blah blah, and also to break the news that there will be two group dates and a one-on-one this week, and that Chris's three sisters will be choosing who gets to go on the one-on-one! Ooooh. High stakes!

My reaction when the girls suggested
they wouldn't be wearing makeup. 
Harrison leaves behind the first group date card, which is addressed to Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley S, Ashley I, Juelia, Samantha, Mackenzie, and Kelsey. "Let's do what feels natural" reads the card, and almost immediately, the girls start throwing shade at Ashley I., resident makeup queen, because the general consensus is that the date card obviously means that everyone will be needing to go without makeup. Riiiiight. They also expect you not to consume copious amounts of alcohol. Ashley I., meanwhile, is insulted that the girls are associating her with rampant makeup application. 

Chris drives the girls to "the most beautiful area," says Megan (waaaaaait, weren't you just at the Grand Canyon?) and the girls waste no time stripping down to their bikinis and jumping into what looks like festering lake water. In the meantime, Ashley I., decides that this is the day that she "breaks out of her shyness" as the camera cuts to shot of her ripping her bikini top off and jumping in topless. Geez, Ashley, if that's shy, I'm not sure I want to see your brave face. It's also no shock when Kaitlyn joins Ashley in the race to the top of the naked chart by taking off her bikini bottoms and jumping on in while everyone looks on. Now this is just reckless. Who knows what kind of bacteria is making fruitful and multiplying in there?? Of course, the same thing could probably be said about Kaitlyn, so I guess no harm, no foul, right? On the other hand, Kelsey is not having the nudity, and tells the camera that "this is a date for bimbos!" Um, of course it is, honey. This is the Bachelor, not America's Next Top Amish Bride.

The sisters have arrived back at the mansh, and all of the girls are super excited to greet them except Jillian, whose exposed butt is asleep by the pool, and disinterested in being roused when someone goes to fetch her. The real highlight is when Jade tells the sisters that she "modeled for a clothing" website, which is a really interesting way to reveal that you posed for Playboy and that there are pictures of your vajayjay all over the internet, but I suppose your skin is a sort of "clothing" right? And what do you know, the sisters actually pick her for the date! Wow.

"Everything is so magical!"
Back on the group date, it has been announced that Chris and the girls will be staying overnight at the lake! Again, we hear from Ashley I., who tells us that she is a camping virgin, but also reminds us that she's a virgin going camping. Thanks for reminding us, Ashley! Also, no one cares. There is drinking, hot dogs, kebabs, and other camping accoutrements, and waiting in its own ice chest is the rose! Kaitlyn, who is quickly becoming my favorite despite the fact that she was naked all over the place, makes fun of Kelsey's continued complaining about being outside in the harsh elements, drawing attention to the fact that it always seems to stop when Chris is around. I mean, she got stung by a bee, y'all! Worst day ever. Ashley S. also brings out a little crazy when she attempts to lead the girls in a campfire rendition of Tootie-Ta (but brought back some fond SMI memories for me!). Chris then proceeds to pull her aside for some alone time, where she says things such as "What are you?" "You're funny!" "Look at the moon. It's so weird that it's out there, and we are sitting here. Like. That's weird to me." and then proceeds to kiss Chris and tell him that she "loves everything about him." Wow. Just wow. Then she says, "I hope that just...resonates with you tonight. You don't have to say anything in regards to that," as Chris looks on, attempting to decide if she is perhaps an undiscovered shaman or has actually been lobotomized.In the end though, Kaitlyn gets the date rose. Apparently, flashing your butt really does get you everywhere. Nicely done, sweetheart. 

Unfortunately, the date isn't over, and we are subjected to some rank desperation on the part of Ashley I., who insists on crawling into Chris's tent and attempts to telepathically communicate her increasingly cumbersome virginity situation to him. Interestingly enough, the message is lost in translation, perhaps because she only manages to get out that despite the way she has been "portrayed" (she knows this is real life, right? I mean, she IS admitting that she's "portrayed" herself as a total ho-bag with this confession, right?) she is actually "inexperienced in every way possible," or it could be because the next thing you know, she and Chris are aggressively sucking face in the middle of his tent. As Carly later declares, "Her mouth is not a virgin!" Amen, honey. Amen. 

"I am the fairest of them all!"
The next morning, we are back at Casa Bachelor, where Britt is a little pouty because Jade got the one-on-one date. However, no one is more upset about Jade getting the date than Ashley I, who is consumed with vigorous anger over the fact that Jade gets the "princess" date, when she is, in fact, the only princess here. Anyway, Edna Mode in a cotton candy wig dresses Jade in several "princessy"outfits before deciding on a blue ballroom number that, coincidentally, I'm sure, matches the one worn by Cinderella in Disney's new live-action movie, CINDERELLA! Oh corporate synergy, how obnoxious you are. During the date, Chris and Jade eat at a tiny table and discuss their prior engagements, and then afterwards, dance on a tiny platform while clips of the Cinderella movie play in the background. It was insanely dull, but Jade gets the rose, because, why not?

On the second group date, Jillian, Nikki, Britt, Carly, Becca, and Whitney are each issued a wedding dress and carted into the Bimbousine and driven to - what else - a mud-soaked obstacle course! The winner of this jaunt will win a one-on-one with Chris. Jillian, still stinging from her unexpected defeat in the pig-wrestling challenge last week, informs us that she will be taking it down to China town in the name of victory. At least the wedding dress covers her butt, amiright?? To her credit, Jillian completely dominates the other ladies in this challenge, leading Carly to wonder if her "penis is bigger than Chris's penis." Yikes, and LOL, Carly. 

Unfortunately for Jillian, her one-on-one time with Chris does NOT go as planned. Chris starts things off with an easy one, asking where she sees herself in five years. Jillian rambles in response to this, saying that "planning is limiting" and who even knows what she might do, discussing her various fitness goals, and drinking a ridiculous amount of red wine. Chris is befuddled by the rate at which she is speaking, saying that "it is hard for my brain to compute while she speaks" or something similar and admitting that while Jillian was talking that he was envisioning "unicorns and talking fairies." The coffin on this connection is sealed, however, when Jillian asks Chris if he would rather have sex with a homeless girl ("like, you don't know what she has") or abstain from sex for five years. Unfortunately, we don't get to see Chris's answer (shenanigans!), but we do get to see him kick Jillian to the Reject Van by basically saying, "I'm looking for my wife, and you ain't it." Bye, Jillian! I'm sure we'll see you this summer on Bachelor in Paradise! In the meantime, maybe she and Cody should hook up? They could dead-lift together... 

Jillian's departure wakes the other ladies up to the significance of the cocktail party, which begins with Megan playing a super weird game involving blindfolded fruit eating, complete with the blindfold being pulled directly from her cleavage. Classy. She tells Chris he must guess the fruit based on "the taste, the smell, and .... I don't know the other one." I'm sure your first grade teacher is really pleased you don't know the five senses, Megan. At the end of it, Megan is feeling pretty good about her time with Chris. 

Ashley I, on the other hand, has apparently realized that she didn't make her virginity clear when she spoke to Chris at the camping trip, and decides that now is the time to tell him about it. Chris is, of course, gentlemanly about the whole thing, telling her that he "respects that" and "it's great" and what not. Even after this, however, Ashley cannot let it go, and proceeds to tell the camera that Chris is now "freaked out" about her virginity (doubt it) and continues to discuss it ad nauseam. Around the same time, Becca nonchalantly announces that she too, has never tamed the one-eyed snake, and Kaitlyn and the other girls just DO NOT know how to handle so much innocence in one place. Ok, being a virgin doesn't excuse someone from wildly poor judgement, so I'm not entirely sure why this is so shocking, but whatever. 

In the meantime, Britt, even though she told Chris's sisters earlier in the episode that she feels so "solid" in her connection to him, decides to confront Chris about giving Kaitlyn the rose on the group date, since apparently it happened because after she took her clothes off. Jimmy Kimmel posted a hilarious video breaking down Chris's response as to why he is apparently pro . . . "women with accommodating morals."  

Just say it, Chris! Kaitlyn is hot and she got naked! It's not a mystery to the rest of us, why should it be a mystery to Britt? Anyway, this little conversation does not set well with Chris, who immediately announces to the girls that if any of them believe that he doesn't have good intentions in his being there that they are welcome to go home. What? No takers? Ok. Moving on, because *clink clink clink*! It's time for the rose ceremony!

"I feel. NOTHING"
Getting roses this week (along with Kaitlyn and Jade) are Whitney, Carly, Ashley I., Samantha (still haven't figured out who she is), Megan, Mackenzie, Becca, Kelsey, and Britt. This means that the journey has come to a tragic end for Nikki, Juelia (Yeesh. Glad about that), and *sob* Ashley S, who leaves us with the announcement that she "feels nothing!" about her departure. We will miss you, you crazy biotch.

See you next week, friends, for our first week of travel! Should be exciting. In the meantime, I'll be wondering how the censor bar is spending his retirement now that Jillian has been eliminated. Kisses!

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