Do you know the way to Santa Fe?

Welcome to the American Southwest, Rose Enthusiasts! Even though New Mexico is the worst thing to hit America since smallpox, this is where we find Chris and his merry harem this week!

"Seems like an Arby's night"

We pick up with Chris standing in the middle of the Hot Air Balloon Festival, where he is staring off pensively, declaring that "he's not used to seeing hot air balloons where he's from".. Is that a thing that we are supposed to be seeing regularly? I'm confused. Anyway, I've decided that Chris's increasingly hilariously vacant stare is exactly the same as everyone's favorite doofus, Seinfeld's David Puddy. Tell me they do not look exactly the same?!

The clothes Megan forgot
at home. 

One person who is not entirely sure what to do in New Mexico is Megan, who is worried that her lack of sombrero may be noticeable. I mean, she's not sure if they wear those in New Mexico like they do in Old Mexico, but, it's super exciting to go out of the country! Yes she actually said this. No, she doesn't appear to know that New Mexico is in the United States. She is probably also to blame for whoever is purporting the story that in the Southwest we all dress like John Wayne and Co.

The first one-on-one this week will be going to ... Carly! She's like "so stoked right now." The date card says, "let's come together" which seems a little suggestive to me, so hopefully, this takes a turn for the scandalous. Chris leads Carly to an empty, echo-y house, where in the backyard, we find a creepy woman meditating next to a pool. Are they really suggesting that this is what we do in the Southwest? Meditate with weirdos named Tziporah?? Anyway, Tziporah is a "love and intimacy mentor" and she will be leading Chris and Carly through various "processes" today in order to bring more "juiciness" to the relationship. If I wasn't so insulted that this is what they are doing on their "Southwest" date, I'd think this was top ten most awesomely ridiculous dates they have done. Chris declares that the love guru seems to know her way around intimacy, and seems to intimate that this is the only way that he and Carly are going to get to know each other better. Because, you know, talking and stuff is just so last season. Listen, if you need a sex guru to see if you have chemistry, it's probably time to friend-zone this and call it a day. 

Tziporah, Meridian princess. 

The trio returns to the empty house, where Chris and Carly are both donning white outfits, and Tziporah is lighting what looks like the world's largest blunt, but is, in fact, a massive bundle of sage. The guru then proceeds to help Chris and Carly breathe, hold hands and breathe, chant, hold hands and chant, etc. Chris tells the camera that he felt nothing except his "lips getting numb" during the chanting/cleansing of heart chakra. Tziporah then announces that Carly will have the privilege of blindfolding Chris in order to merge their intimacy and sexuality. Surrounding the blindfolded Chris is a whole array of fruits, nuts, chocolate, etc. and Carly will be responsible for using the breath and the touch to feel her way around Chris's body. This apparently terrifies Carly, who is super afraid of physical intimacy. When it's Chris's turn to explore Carly, Tziporah directs him right between her thighs, which, I think is a little presumptuous. I mean, did anyone even buy Carly dinner beforehand? Or at least a cocktail? Geez. It is at this point that Chris catches up with the rest of us in figuring out that Tziporah is not a love guru but a sex guru. Again, what was he expecting? Mary Poppins? Chris and Carly finally draw the line at having to undress each other in front of Tziporah on camera and settle for some verbal intimacy. Thank goodness! Some sanity! The session is closed by the two breathing into each other's faces. The whole thing was insanely uncomfortable. If I was Carly's grandma, I'd be taking a few shots right about now.

Thank goodness they have decided to break up what was quickly digressing into yogic pornography with Kelsey sharing about her husband's death, and telling us about how she needs to have a one-on-one this week so she can tell Chris about it. Unfortunately, the date card that comes to the house is a group daaaaaaaate! It is addressed to Jade, Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mackenzie, Becca, Samantha, Ashley and Kelsey, which means that the one-on-one will be with Britt. Kelsey is horrifically unhappy about this, and declares that she is ready for a one-on-one, but is upset that Chris has a "myriad of other women" throwing himself at him and that this "doesn't make her feel special" and that it's "unacceptable." Really? I know that the way I feel the most special is when I am one of 25 women vying for the same man. 

Back on Chris and Carly's date, Carly opens up to Chris about how her last boyfriend never wanted to have sex with her and blah blah, which she surely told the producers about, so it's no accident she ended up on the sex date. Anyway, Carly gets the rose, and after that experience, she sure deserves it.

The group date picks up at the Rio Grande river where Chris and the chosen few are going white water rafting! Megan is concerned that there may be some alligators in the water. Only a few of the girls get to be in Chris's boat, and I wonder how they decided who that was going to be. Poor Jade falls out of the boat during a rapid (Hello, censor bar! Nice to see you haven't been slouching since Jillian left!) and evidently suffers from a condition where she loses circulation much easier than others in the cold or something, which essentially means that she gets a free foot rub from Chris after the trip is over. Mackenzie is again in awe of someone else's strategy and claims that she would have asked Chris to massage her butt, since it is freezing. Kelsey, again, has words to say, that basically amount to griping because she's "FINE!" so she's "NOT GOING TO GET A FOOT RUB" because she's "FINE!" Whatever you say, sweetheart. 

The after party for the date appears to be taking place in the lobby of the hotel, and while the girls muse about how time is the most important part of this process (surprisingly, not an STD screening or fully functioning liver), Chris is intercepted by . . . drunkety drunk drunk Jordan, who was eliminated two weeks ago! In case you don't remember Jordan, she was the one who attempted to twerk upside down (rather unsuccessfully I might add), and she has driven all the way from Colorado to ask Chris for a second chance. Because Chris is a glutton for punishment, rather than sending her on her merry way, he trots her out for the girls, and announces that Jordan will be spending the evening with them. Not surprisingly, this news is about as welcome as a case of the measles at Disneyland. For the most part, the girls are nice-ish to Jordan, but they aren't exactly holding a parade in her honor either. Ashley is particularly cantankerous, telling all of the girls that they need to make it perfectly clear that "we don't want her here!" and that they should "not be nice to her right now!" I mean, unless you treat Jordan like total trash, that means you don't care about Chris, right?? Whitney attempts to be the voice of reason, but Ashley remains unconvinced. Eventually though, Chris gives into peer pressure and sends Jordan on her way, and all of the drama was for nothing. 

Group date rose goes to  . . .  Whitney!  No one is more upset about this than - surprise surprise - Ashley, who thinks that Whitney is "fake as s***" and that she sees Chris with someone more "real." I hope she means "real" on the inside because I'm not convinced that Ashley's face is all the way genuine.

Britt's spirit animal

The second one-on-one date card arrives and says "the sky's the limit" and Britt is freaking the freak out because - dun dun dun - she is afraid of heights! Again, I'm sure the producers picked her on purpose for this date! Sneaky sneaky, producers! We also learned a little about Britt's unique hygiene habits. Apparently, she doesn't shower, but she does sleep in her makeup ("like puts it on before bed") just in case the camera shows up. Well, good thing, sweetheart, because, it's 4:30 AM and guess who is at your door? Since Ed McMahon is dead, it must be Chris, here to take you on your potentially terrifying date!

Apparently the producers concluded that being complete a-holes to one girl was enough this week, because far from being a date where they had to scale a building or something, it's a hot air balloon ride, and, her crippling fear apparently forgotten, Britt practically sprints into the balloon! They make-out midair, and Britt declares that she feels like Chris is her boyfriend. Well, you and like 11 others.

Took a nap, huh?

While Chris takes Britt to his bedroom for some shenanigans, Ashley decides to tell the girls that Britt has openly declared that she doesn't want kids ever, while at the same time, Britt tells Chris that she wants "like a hundred" of them. It appears as though Britt is just telling Chris what he wants to hear, but who cares, because she got the rose! Oh heavens, now they are under the covers. Please close the door, Chris! Close the door! I mean, I'm sure they are studying the Bible in there, but they should do that in private.

The inspiration for Amy Dunne

When Britt returns to the house, Carly takes the news of the assumed hanky-panky reasonably well (at the same time looking like a Pound Puppy), but it is Kelsey who continues to go off the charts on the hot/crazy scale by saying that Britt's date completely "diminished" her connection with him since it is likely that they "delved into the wondrous land of physical affection" took a nap together. Clearly, she must realize that she is on the Alone Train to Alonesville (making stops at Ex-Girlfriend Junction and West Breaking Up With You!), because she decides that it is time for the BIG GUNS. Yes. She dresses herself up and makes her way to Chris's room because there is a risk that she might be sent home, "without Chris ever knowing that she's a widow". And obviously, only a complete doucheboat would send someone home with a dead husband, so she's got to get the story out now, before it's too late. 

With sparse tears, Kelsey tells Chris about her husband's death, and afterwards, gushes to the camera, "Isn't my story amazing? It's tragic. But it's amazing. I LOVE my story. I know this is a show about Chris, but this is my love story too. This is the unfolding of someone who had something so tragic and you get to watch her pick up the pieces and grow into another person and into another relationship. And hell yes, I'm getting a rose tonight! Stay tuned! Monday Nights at 8! The love story unveiled." End Quote. Wow. Just. Wow. I mean really? What? Is her dead husband even real, because this is just making it sound like she is more enamored about how he's getting her more screen time. 

When it comes time for the rose ceremony, Kelsey is walking on air! She is so excited that her last ditch sob-story effort is going to get her a rose! But wait, when Chris comes out, he tells everyone he talked to Kelsey today and has to take a breather, because "life is precious" and stuff. I think we can assume what happened here - which is that he was totally going to send Kelsey home until he heard her story, but now, he doesn't want to be a complete dillweed and send her home. Kelsey says as much to the girls, telling them, that "he already has his decision made" and that "every day is a gift" and that means "I have to say goodbye to people" complete with fake tears. Wow. Unbelievable. No one is more upset about this than Ashley, who "can't compete with a dead husband!" Then, Chris Harrison comes in and announces that there will be no cocktail party tonight. Chris has already made up his mind. You know what that means . . a fake panic attack! The episode ends with Kelsey on the floor, heaving, coughing, breathing heavily, and a giant TO BE CONTINUED! 

Wow. Does anyone think that Kelsey should be the new overly attached girlfriend meme? She's crazy. That is all. Until we find out what happens, I'm going to figure out how to construct a dead husband of my own. Apparently, it's the way to get what you want. See you next week!