I can't regret what I did for "love."

NO TIME FOR AN INTRO THIS WEEK! KELSEY IS ON THE FLOOR!

I knew this episode was going to be great the minute the music started. I would like to say that I was completely turned off by the overdramatics, but I loved every second of it.

So Kelsey is "panicking" and the other girls are supremely unconcerned. They didn't even get off the couch or bother to find out if she's ok. Becca sums up what we are all thinking when she says that she and the other girls are trying to figure out which part of her apparent breakdown is real, and which part is manipulative. The paramedic eventually asks Kelsey what her pain rating is, and she says that she's not in any pain, but would like to see Chris, which, of course, everyone is more than willing to allow her to do. You can almost see the satisfaction in her crazy eyes that her evil scheme is succeeding. She actually starts cackling to the paramedic about how she had better get a rose for all of this trouble.

"Mwahahaha!"

"You go, Kelsey!" - Alex's ghost

When Chris comes in, Kelsey totally throws the blame for her "anxiety" squarely on Chris's shoulders, saying that she had "no idea" that he would use their conversation as an excuse to cancel the cocktail party, thus making him apologize profusely, help her up, compliment her looks - in short, he doesn't just walk into her trap, he effing careens. I mean, Glenn Close might as well have been there to high five her crazy face when this performance was over.

What was even more disgusting was Kelsey telling the girls all about how her "emotional burden" was just too much and that she fainted and how she was "saying such ridiculous things" while she was delirious on the floor (there were brownies mentioned). She ends this "roller coaster" by saying that the one feeling that she feels tonight is "happiness." Oooook, psycho.

Side note: Anyone else think that Samantha must be the most boring person on the planet? She was literally the only person who didn't weigh in on Kelsey's "predicament." In fact, I'm not sure we've seen her speak one time. I mean, maybe she's just a cardboard cutout and there's not really an eleventh person in the room?

So we finally get to the rose ceremony, and the roses go to Jade, Kaitlyn, Megan, Becca, Ashley, and Kelsey! I am actually going to miss Mackenzie. She was such a delightful little weirdo. And Samantha is being sent home, but who cares about that? "I feel sorry for the girls who are going home tonight. They should be worried. They wasted their time," proclaims Kelsey.

"Do you see this face?
I am not happy."

Now that that's over, the main action this week is actually taking place in South Dakota, somewhere in the Black Hills, home of Wild Bill Hickock, Calamity Jane, and the like. Chris can't wait for the girls to show their "wild west." Carly is really excited to be there with "eight charming women, and Kelsey will be there also." Ooooh! Shots fired! Kelsey, meanwhile, is really hoping that her efforts have paid off, because she is convinced that this is her week for a one-on-one. Well, too bad, biotch, because the one-on-one is going to ... BECCA! Can we get a producer in here to pick Kelsey's jaw up off the floor? Thanks.

When Chris meets Becca for their date, it is revealed that they will be horseback riding, complete with pack mule, to a giant castle. Must have been boring, because all of a sudden, we are . . .

Back at the hotel, the girls, especially Carly, have decided that it is time to do something about Kelsey and her shenanigans. When Kelsey comes in though, it's Whitney who speaks first, saying that she was put off by Kelsey's laughing during the last rose ceremony. "I didn't start laughing," Kelsey says. "YES YOU DID!" says Carly. Kelsey proceeds to tell the girls (while significantly overenunciating all of her words) that she was simply "emotionally fragile" and felt "very unsafe" after Chris's unceremonious exit from the cocktail party. Carly then calls Kelsey on her saying how unhappy she was going to be about other girls going home, and Kelsey makes more excuses, saying that her panic attack was "terrifying." Carly tries again, using the tried and true, "what Chris is seeing is different than what we are seeing" and Kelsey feigns surprise, saying that she is "embarrassed" by the girls perception of her. To the camera, however, she is singing a different tune.

"Finally, someone more unwelcome
than me!" - Herpes

"I get it." she says. "I am blessed with eloquence. I am articulate, and I use a lot of big words because I'm smart. I didn't go through this s*it to be defeated. I came here to win it." R U kidding me!? Scorching cases of the herp are subtler than this chick.

The editors have now remembered that this is a show about Chris, and we return to Chris and Becca's date, where they are sitting around the fire. Apparently it's going ok. "This date is going fantastic because Becca is . . . fantastic," says our wordsmith. The two bond over discussing where they see themselves in five years, and Becca goes on to tell Chris about her previous relationship where her strong feelings weren't reciprocated, and this makes Becca feel "safe." But is she safe enough to tell him she's a virgin? We'll have to wait and see because knock-knock! A date card has arrived!

The reason we shouldn't be surprised Chris has fallen
into all of the producers traps. Seriously? 

Kaitlyn looks downright giddy when she opens it and reads everyone else's names except Kelsey and Ashley, because that means the two of them will be going on the 2-on-1! "Being on a 2-on-1 date with Kelsey would be terrifying." she tells the camera. "I am so excited to see who comes home." We all are, girl. We all are.

I would write more about Chris and Becca's date, but since she gets the rose, I won't. Chris seems into her enough, so she might actually be a contender.

Time for a group daaaaaaate! I have to say that the thing I am looking forward to most about it is not having to type Kelsey's name for at least a paragraph. Oops. Oh well. Anyway, the group travels to a saloon where Chris announces that they will be composing some country songs today! And look who is with them! It's Big and Rich! Everyone is super into the date except Jade, who is a resident of the "struggle bus." In order to make her more comfortable, Big Kenny takes her running down main street, and now she is feeling a little more open and in a "comfortable" place. Aww. That's nice. Thanks, Big Kenny!

That feeling is short lived, however, because Chris and Britt can barely keep their hands off each other, and it is making Jade and all of the girls super uncomfortable. "It's hard to write a love song about somebody when he's clearly into someone else." Clearly, Jade has never listened to country music. After a beer break, it's time for the girls to perform, but not before Chris sings a song about them. I think it goes without saying that it was the worst, from the appalling lyrics (he rhymed "prairie" with "marry" ...eesh) to Chris's strained vocals, to the Gimli impersonator accompanying him on the banjo. All of it, horrifying.

Faring a little better was Britt, who at least could carry a bit of a tune, and even made Chris cry a little. The best (besides Carly, who is actually a singer and was pretty impressive) was Kaitlyn, who turned hers into a rap, complete with bleeped lyrics. Believe it or not, Whitney's voice manages to get more annoying during her song, and Becca and Jade are mostly forgettable. Chris asserts that he will be smiling for at least a week and a half after this date. Well, duh. I'd be pretty pleased too if people were writing songs and performing them in my honor.

After the performances, Chris and the girls gather at a bar for a bit of an after party. Stealing the show, of course, is Britt, who immediately is whisked away by Chris right around the time that the girls are wondering where the rose is. This is of course, unwelcome news for the other girls, who are straight up jelly of Chris and Britt Britt's connection. Let's be honest, they probably should be, because not only does Chris take Britt to see Big and Rich performing, but he also gives her a rose on stage in front of a very large crowd. Of course, she accepts, and spews some drivel about her "virgin country music" experience and how this was his way of "welcoming her into his world" and such. I don't know about you, but I thought that even in the Bachelor universe this is a bit of an a-hole maneuver. Would it have been that difficult to take all of the girls to see Big and Rich? Did he have to abandon them basically without a word for over an hour and then come back and announce that he gave Britt the rose? Unimpressive.

"It's hard to be a winner." 

The girls can barely contain their disdain for Britt when she returns, and seem to actually be more upset that she got to see Big and Rich when she hates country music than they do about the fact that she's the one who got the rose. "We can't help but feel humiliated, and you can't help but feel that this is the best thing that's ever happened to you," Kaitlyn vents. Britt might actually be as big of an evil genius as Kelsey. She's certainly smug enough. *Cue montage of all of the girls crying*

We are now 90 minutes into the episode and we have finally come to what we have all been waiting for: Kelsey and Ashley's epic battle over who is less awful and gets to leave in a slightly more humiliating fashion than everyone else. Ashley is hella confident going into it, even going so far as to start singing "Ding dong! The witch is dead!" which can only be a bad sign for her, as such declarations inevitably are.

The ancient Egyptians carved this
face into the walls. Underneath
they wrote, "can't even" in
hieroglyphics. 

The date begins with a helicopter ride over Mt. Rushmore, where Kelsey reminds us which presidents are featured there. "She was annoying the crap out of me!" says Ashley, and surmises that maybe Kelsey's strategy was to drive her completely insane.

Eventually, the trio is abandoned in a desolate dirt plain that is probably the resting place of one of Laura Ingalls Wilder's dogs from when her family left Wisconsin and headed to the prairie. I mean seriously, it is bleak. Fortunately, production at least set up a jaunty cabana for them to sit in, thus ensuring that though there may be an impending cat fight, they won't be uncomfortable when it goes down. Seriously though, that's literally all this date is. A bed in the desert. As if it couldn't be more obvious that they are supposed to start clawing each others' faces off.

Actual shot of Ashley kissing Chris. 

Chris takes Ashley aside first, and she immediately engages him in some aggressive kissing. Ugh, Ashley! We know you're a virgin, but this giraffe-like
kissing business is not going to take care of that anytime soon. Once Chris finally breaks free, they engage in a short dialogue. Ahem, allow me to summarize.

Chris: So, how are things in the house?

Ashley: So great, zero drama. I mean, except Kelsey. She's a total ho muffin. I mean, she's like, totally fake and stuff.

Chris: Oh really. Well. Good. I mean, I don't want to marry a fake ho muffin.

Ashley: Good, because we all agreed I would be the anti-Kelsey ambassador. Glad you took this so well.


Then, Chris rows his douche canoe right over to Kelsey, and this conversation takes place.


Chris: So, how are things going in the house?

Kelsey: It's hard and stuff. I mean, getting along is getting harder. But you know, I'm a widow - don't know if I've mentioned it in the last 30 seconds - and I'm prepared to be a wife because I've been one. So there's that.

Chris: Yeah. Ashley told me the girls think you're a total hosebeast.

Kelsey: What?

Chris: Would you prefer "gremlin"? Fine. Ashley told me you're a gremlin. But it was definitely Ashley. She just told me right now. I mean, I just want to make sure you know exactly who it was who tattled on you. Ashley. A-S-H-L-E-Y.

Kelsey: I don't know what this is about. I mean, I am just not lost in the competitiveness of this. This is your choice and my choice. I would really hate for you to let go of our potential because of "girl talk." ("Girl talk" is said with the same tone one might say "tapeworm.")

After Chris leaves to do some thinking, Kelsey lashes out at the camera, shouting, "I just got thrown under the bus! This is hurtful! I mean, she's a Kardashian who didn't get to go on her princess date with way too much makeup on to be genuine! She is desperate! I am going to remember that she is playing a game, but I am not." Ok, so when you said earlier that you were going to "win" did you just mean, "succeed amicably?"

When the two of them are seated on the random bed, Kelsey turns to Ashley.

Kelsey: I know what you did.

Ashley: What did I do?

Kelsey: I do not appreciate it.

Ashley: What did I do?

Kelsey: If you can't remember the conversation you had with Chris, it obviously meant nothing to you.

Ashley: OK. You think I'm not as smart as you because I don't use big words. Please. I went to grad school too, and if you don't think I can see through you, you're frigging hilarious.

Kelsey: I still respect you.

"How did I get here?"

At this point, Ashley has pretty much won the date, oh wait. What is that? NO ASHLEY! Do not go running after Chris! Don't do it! Keep calm! Oh geez. She is dragging him into the desert, crying, saying "WHY DID YOU TELL HER WHAT I SAID?" and completely falling apart. O M G. The ugly cries are heard from space while Chris wanders aimlessly behind her looking like he has recently been clubbed in the head. The crying/sniffing/snorting gets louder and louder and her words become more and more inaudible until Chris finally breaks the news to Ashley that he is looking for someone a little more mature. This prompts Ashley to respond with the (very mature) "So you think Britt is ready for the farm lifestyle??" It is after this little slip that Ashley realizes her tantrum has sealed her fate, which she cries even more about. I mean, Calamity Jane's ghost probably heard her belabored squalling. Chris leaves her to shriek away her sorrows on the top of a butte. I hope Sephora calls soon and hires you to be their spokesperson, Ashley. Also, anyone else think her complete meltdown will do anything to help her lose that virginity anytime soon? Yeah, me either.

Back at the hotel, the suitcase remover of doom has arrived to take Ashley's things away, and the girls are practically in tears thinking that they are stuck with Kelsey for another trip.

"That's a shame."

As Ashley is left to sob her little heart out on a patch of dirt, Kelsey overhears her weeping and can barely contain her little victorious heart. But, not for long! In what was the most unexpected move of the night, Chris travels over to Kelsey and he DUMPS HER TOO! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Kelsey takes the blow stoically, continuing to remind the camera that she has an "amazing" story, and this isn't going to bring her down and that she is immeasurably blessed and that she has no regrets. I mean, she challenged herself to the adventure of love. She has lost before. She will survive. She will rise above. America is going to punch her in her smug mouth at the Women Tell All, and I can't wait.

"We are all immeasurably blessed!"

Meanwhile, the suitcase warrior (are they taking applications for this job??) has returned and this time, the girls completely freak out when they see Kelsey's suitcase get taken. "Let's get drunk!" cries Kaitlyn, and there was much rejoicing in the land!

What I really want to know is, after Chris got in the helicopter and flew off by himself seemingly stranding Kelsey and Ashley in the desert, did the two of them have to ride the reject helicopter back to the airport together?? Did someone film that, and is it going to be shown at After the Final Rose? Will Ashley be on Bachelor in Paradise? Will Kelsey? What happened to the rose? Did they ever feed Chris? So many questions, Rose Enthusiasts, but I guess we'll have to wait for next week's - heaven help us - two hour event! I'm exhausted just thinking about it!

Until next week, I'll be counting my #immeasurableblessings. See you then!