Hanging out and Hooking Up

Alright, reality TV enthusiasts! It’s Bachelor time!

To recap: Last week we saw some awkward hometown visits, full of “deep” conversations, that ended with Kacie “what the f*** just happened!?” B. getting shockingly (?) eliminated. This week, it’s time for the fantasy suites, or as I like to call it, “Discourse and Intercourse.”

We begin our “journey” with our merry harem traveling to Switzerland. After an extremely painful opening montage of Ben saying ridiculous things and walking the streets of Switzerland, we get to the dates!

(Side note: anyone else totally amused by the fact that this portion of the Bachelor was brought to us by Titanic in 3D? They know Leo died at the end, right? Inevitable foreshadowing?)

First up, we have Nicki! Ben and Nicki hold each other in the cold, cold wind, and begin screaming because . .. THEY’RE GETTING PICKED UP BY A HELICOPTER! OMG! “The view is so majestic!” gushes Nicki. Ben says that his relationship with Nicki is reaching new heights (ho ho), but is, at the same time, grounded. Um. Ok. Whatever that means.

The helicopter disappears, and suddenly, Ben and Nicki are chilling (I can write puns too!) at the top of a mountain. We are reminded that Nicki told Ben at her house last week that she is in love with him. Ben chuckles uncomfortably at this recollection. And they make out. Boring! Show me something new! All of these dull montages and circle camera shots of the mountain picnic, are emphasizing just how much I want someone to hand Ben a thesaurus for his increasingly irritating sound bytes. Seriously, the guy knows four words (“great” “forward” “open” “awesome”). I can bet he didn’t do his assigned reading at school!

We pick up the narrative on a moonlit walk, where Ben takes Nicki to “literally” a log cabin. There are candles, a fireplace, wine, and all of that good stuff. Ben asks Nicki how she views their future, day-to-day activities. Nicki is so excited to discuss it. She, not surprisingly, sees herself integrating right down into San Francisco. They talk about kids, Ben wants four, she wants two. Uh-oh! But this doesn’t seem to be an issue, and Ben wants to take it to the next level by offering her the key to the fantasy suite. Like he was going to say “no thanks.” Although Nicki says that she does not make these decisions lightly (that’s why you’re on the Bachelor, no?), she doesn’t hesitate to accept the offer. Oh geez, this room even has a bearskin rug. We have some more “tender” conversation and it’s off to the romper room, complete with bubble bath. We leave the scene with Nicki’s leg swung up over Ben as we pan out on Fantasy Date #1.

Next date is Lindzi. They’re near Interlaken (there is a castle there!). Predictably, Dimples McGee is stoked for this date. She’s in love. Blah blah. We arrive at an extreme sports course (I cannot believe they didn’t pick Courtney for this date ;)), where our loveable thrill seekers will be rappelling 300 ft off a ledge. Everyone is nervous, but as we know, insane heights and the potential for death makes for relationship preparation! “Things get tough, people get scared. You have to be there for each other,” announces Lindzi, like she’s the first person to think of that analogy. They hold hands and creep down the mountain. “She’s open to anything!” says Ben. “Shut up!” says Julie.

Oooh, hot tub. That was quick. Are they even dressed? Sheesh. Just looks like a foul mound of skin in there to me. At least add some bubbles, producers. Lindzi compares herself to an ice queen melting. Ok? She discusses her transformation and vulnerability. Ben, per usual, doesn’t say much beyond his usual grunts and about six utterances about “vulnerability.” The make out music is on! “It’s getting hot in here,” whispers Lindzi. No kidding. You’re making out in hot tub. Ben discusses his thoughts on his odds with Lindzi going to the fantasy suite. I’m going to guess they’re pretty good.

They have dinner and discuss (again!) Nicki’s failed relationship. I’d quote more of what she said if she hadn’t said it in every single episode thus far. In a not unanticipated move, she, too, accepts the key to the fantasy suite. “This is a fantasy of a suite!” exclaims Lindzi. Methinks that maybe the two of them and their stunningly poor speaking skills deserve each other. And just in time for that thought, I turned my head and the two of them were sprawled out on the bed. Wasted no time there! Ben says that Lindzi is now “vulnerable”, which, I think normal people would refer to as “DTF.” But whatever! And we shut the door on date #2.

During the commercial break, let’s come up with some synonyms for “vulnerable”, which we can send into the producers.

defenseless, exposed, susceptible, undefended,unguarded, unprotected, unresistant

At last, we come to the final freak(y) show, the date with Courtney “I got the rooooose”. Ben is sporting a pea coat, and discusses how he has concerns about he way she has treated the other women (which didn’t seem to matter when she was mounting him). They take a train ride, and Ben marvels about the mountains and the trees. Duh, Ben. This is Switzerland, not the Sahara. The two of them pick up some picnic food, run into some goats, and Courtney declares that she feels badly about the way she treated the other girls. They start talking about her “difficulties,” but then decides not to. Probably good move, Ben. Might as well get some guaranteed action while the getting is good. We get some crocodile tears from Courtney about her behavior, and the picnic is over.

At dinner, Ben and Courtney discuss her issues with the other girls. Courtney continually interrupts Ben while he’s trying to talk, but everything ends ok and it’s off to the fantasy suite! And another bearskin rug. They get naked in a SUPER small hot tub, and Ben is not complaining. Gross.

With a half hour left to go, the mind reels as to what could be coming next. Oh, except it doesn’t have to, because as everyone knows, Kacie B is BACK to warn Ben about Courtney. OH SNAP, people. She approaches the door, knocks, and Ben responds with a “Holy s***”. It’s awkward. She’s shaking. Ben looks extremely uncomfortable. Kacie asks Ben to tell her what went wrong. Ben says that they were “worlds apart” when it came to their backgrounds. After Kacie digests the information, she decides to take the plunge, and says that Ben would probably get his heart broken if he chooses Courtney. Kacie expands, saying that Courtney displays an “in it to win it” attitude. Ben looks decidedly unhappy about it. He sighs deeply, and Kacie is out of there. She collapses on the floor. Ben contemplates the meaning of life at his table.

He discusses things with our fair host, and things are cloudy (literally and figuratively). But there’s a rose ceremony to get to.

And here come the roses. If you’re ready, here’s Ben.

First rose goes to Lindzi! She’s thrilled.

And the final rose goes to . . . dun dun dun! Courtney. Alas! Poor Nicki! We hardly knew ye. But be not afraid! You don’t want to be with Ben anyway. She at least has the decency to hide her face while she weeps.

Well. That was emotional. We get a commercial for The Women Tell All, and I don’t know about you, but I’m annoyed about having to draw this shiz out another two weeks to wait for the end. Oh well. Until next Monday, friends!

Homeland Security

This week on The Bachelor: HOMETOWNS! After last week’s shocking elimination of Emily, Ben will travel to see Lindzi, Kacie, Nicki, and (ugh) Courtney and their families. Who will emerge victorious and continue to next week’s fantasy suite sex auditions? That’s all coming up in my recap, designed to keep me interested in what’s happening.

We begin the journey in Ocala, FL, home of “I came to the first cocktail party on a horse” Lindzi. To be honest, I have seen almost nothing of Lindzi’s personality over the last several weeks, except that in last week’s episode, she called Ben her boyfriend. Sure he is, honey. Anyway, she’s so excited. She waxes on awhile about her breakup that we have heard about once or sixty times, while riding a horse. Aaaaaand, Ben’s here. Lindzi is thrilled that she has planned today’s events instead of the producers Ben planning their events. They go on a carriage ride, and a picnic miraculously appears on the side of the track. The words “walls”, “vulnerability”, “being open”, and “at that point” are tossed around for awhile, and Ben says he saw a “sweet” side of Lindzi that he never has seen before. Blah blah.

Lindzi introduces Ben to her parents as her “boyfriend”. We discover Lindzi’s parents got married at City Hall in San Francisco, where Lindzi and Ben had their first date. What are the odds? The four of them then embark on carriage races, where Lindzi’s parents dominate. Now it’s time for some potentially awkward conversation. Lindzi’s mom likes Ben, but she doesn’t want her to be upset if he chooses someone else. But, for the most part, everyone is happy and Lindzi’s parents congratulate her on “picking” a good guy. Well. Good luck.

Next up, we are in Clarksville, TN, and Kacie’s family. She is excited to see his eyes. How…weird? Anyway, when Ben pulls up and see’s a marching band playing, and there’s Kacie twirling a baton. She goes on to discuss her grandparents and how much they loved each other. Ben is impressed. Kacie is “ready.” We get some foreshadowing about potential conflicts between Ben and Kacie’s dad, who doesn’t drink. Bad news for our wine-maker.

Ominous music plays while Ben chats with Kacie’s family over dinner. Kacie rationalizes her “love” to her sister, who looks a little skeptical. Cut to the conversation between Ben and Kacie’s dad, who looks at Ben the same way one would look at a piece of maggot-infested meat. He makes a good point, by saying that if he doesn’t want to pick her, let her know now. Ben is hoping that Kacie’s mom is easier on him, but no luck. Mrs. B says that she wouldn’t want her to move in with Ben if she were to be declared the “winner.” You know, good for these people. At least they are realistic! Kacie, on the other hand, is not having it. What an unexpected turn of events! The visit ends in uncertainty.

We then enter a Texas stereotype, complete with cowboys and steer, as Ben visits Nicki. Is anyone else surprised Nicki is still on the show? I mean, did he really dislike Emily that much? Not that there’s anything wrong with her, but she hasn’t gotten much screen time until the last two episodes or so. The two go try on cowboy gear, and hit up downtown (?) Fort Worth. Nicki is glittered out, and the two of them drink beer, like all Texans apparently do, and then Ben and Nicki discuss her divorce. Again. Snooze.

Nicki’s mom is into Ben, but she’s concerned about Nicki getting her heart broken. Yeah yeah. Nicki’s dad, on the other hand, is worried about giving his permission to the wrong man again. This goes on for awhile, and Nicki eventually tells Ben that she loves him. He doesn’t say it back, but he has a good impression on the day.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, THE MAIN EVENT. The potential freak show! The WTF moment! Courtney’s house. Um. Hold the phone! Courtney is from Scottsdale!? Ten bucks they end up somewhere around Gainey Ranch. Courtney babbles in her baby voice about how excited she is to see Ben, but Ben says he needs to find out about how Courtney relates to people.

Courtney announces to her family that she likes/loves Ben, but Courtney’s mom isn’t buying it. I admit I zoned out throughout most of this visit. After all of the buildup, it was boring. There was a funky commercial break in the middle of their conversation that snapped me back to attention. We return from the commercial to see Ben and Courtney going on a picnic. There’s a wedding set up at the place, and Courtney just so happens to have paper to write vows, a tie, and rings ready for them to have a . . . fake wedding? Um. That’s really weird. Seriously. But rather than being concerned, Ben’s into it, and recites his beautiful vows. Courtney says her vows, which sort of rhyme, but are fairly prosaic. She says she’s in love with him. Ben tosses the words “open” and “vulnerable” around again. Let’s just forget about the fact that if anyone ever set up a wedding on a date, the guy would be out faster than you could say “psycho!”

We have arrived at the cocktail party. Ben is making a “difficult” decision. At this point, I see Kacie being the one eliminated. And if you’re ready, here’s Ben!

Ben thanks the “ladies” for their visits with their families. Hurry up with it already, Ben.

First rose goes to . . . Courtney! No surprise there. She’s going to shimmy her nastiness right into a proposal. Mark my words. Second rose goes to, Lindzi, which leaves Nicki and Kacie left. Who will it be?!

And the final rose goes to . . . Nicki! I knew it! “What the f*** happened!?” Kacie shrieks, as she ugly cries her way to the airport. You know what, Kacie, you are better off. You have good parents. You’ll find someone. Farewell! Here's wishing you a hot drum major.

We get a preview of next week, which finds our merry harem traveling to Switzerland. Looks like it’ll be nice and drama filled. Who do you think has the good(ie)s to take on Courtney? It’s all next week on THE BACHELOR.