Alright, reality TV enthusiasts! It’s Bachelor time!
To recap: Last week we saw some awkward hometown visits, full of “deep” conversations, that ended with Kacie “what the f*** just happened!?” B. getting shockingly (?) eliminated. This week, it’s time for the fantasy suites, or as I like to call it, “Discourse and Intercourse.”
We begin our “journey” with our merry harem traveling to Switzerland. After an extremely painful opening montage of Ben saying ridiculous things and walking the streets of Switzerland, we get to the dates!
(Side note: anyone else totally amused by the fact that this portion of the Bachelor was brought to us by Titanic in 3D? They know Leo died at the end, right? Inevitable foreshadowing?)
First up, we have Nicki! Ben and Nicki hold each other in the cold, cold wind, and begin screaming because . .. THEY’RE GETTING PICKED UP BY A HELICOPTER! OMG! “The view is so majestic!” gushes Nicki. Ben says that his relationship with Nicki is reaching new heights (ho ho), but is, at the same time, grounded. Um. Ok. Whatever that means.
The helicopter disappears, and suddenly, Ben and Nicki are chilling (I can write puns too!) at the top of a mountain. We are reminded that Nicki told Ben at her house last week that she is in love with him. Ben chuckles uncomfortably at this recollection. And they make out. Boring! Show me something new! All of these dull montages and circle camera shots of the mountain picnic, are emphasizing just how much I want someone to hand Ben a thesaurus for his increasingly irritating sound bytes. Seriously, the guy knows four words (“great” “forward” “open” “awesome”). I can bet he didn’t do his assigned reading at school!
We pick up the narrative on a moonlit walk, where Ben takes Nicki to “literally” a log cabin. There are candles, a fireplace, wine, and all of that good stuff. Ben asks Nicki how she views their future, day-to-day activities. Nicki is so excited to discuss it. She, not surprisingly, sees herself integrating right down into San Francisco. They talk about kids, Ben wants four, she wants two. Uh-oh! But this doesn’t seem to be an issue, and Ben wants to take it to the next level by offering her the key to the fantasy suite. Like he was going to say “no thanks.” Although Nicki says that she does not make these decisions lightly (that’s why you’re on the Bachelor, no?), she doesn’t hesitate to accept the offer. Oh geez, this room even has a bearskin rug. We have some more “tender” conversation and it’s off to the romper room, complete with bubble bath. We leave the scene with Nicki’s leg swung up over Ben as we pan out on Fantasy Date #1.
Next date is Lindzi. They’re near Interlaken (there is a castle there!). Predictably, Dimples McGee is stoked for this date. She’s in love. Blah blah. We arrive at an extreme sports course (I cannot believe they didn’t pick Courtney for this date ;)), where our loveable thrill seekers will be rappelling 300 ft off a ledge. Everyone is nervous, but as we know, insane heights and the potential for death makes for relationship preparation! “Things get tough, people get scared. You have to be there for each other,” announces Lindzi, like she’s the first person to think of that analogy. They hold hands and creep down the mountain. “She’s open to anything!” says Ben. “Shut up!” says Julie.
Oooh, hot tub. That was quick. Are they even dressed? Sheesh. Just looks like a foul mound of skin in there to me. At least add some bubbles, producers. Lindzi compares herself to an ice queen melting. Ok? She discusses her transformation and vulnerability. Ben, per usual, doesn’t say much beyond his usual grunts and about six utterances about “vulnerability.” The make out music is on! “It’s getting hot in here,” whispers Lindzi. No kidding. You’re making out in hot tub. Ben discusses his thoughts on his odds with Lindzi going to the fantasy suite. I’m going to guess they’re pretty good.
They have dinner and discuss (again!) Nicki’s failed relationship. I’d quote more of what she said if she hadn’t said it in every single episode thus far. In a not unanticipated move, she, too, accepts the key to the fantasy suite. “This is a fantasy of a suite!” exclaims Lindzi. Methinks that maybe the two of them and their stunningly poor speaking skills deserve each other. And just in time for that thought, I turned my head and the two of them were sprawled out on the bed. Wasted no time there! Ben says that Lindzi is now “vulnerable”, which, I think normal people would refer to as “DTF.” But whatever! And we shut the door on date #2.
During the commercial break, let’s come up with some synonyms for “vulnerable”, which we can send into the producers.
defenseless, exposed, susceptible, undefended,unguarded, unprotected, unresistant
At last, we come to the final freak(y) show, the date with Courtney “I got the rooooose”. Ben is sporting a pea coat, and discusses how he has concerns about he way she has treated the other women (which didn’t seem to matter when she was mounting him). They take a train ride, and Ben marvels about the mountains and the trees. Duh, Ben. This is Switzerland, not the Sahara. The two of them pick up some picnic food, run into some goats, and Courtney declares that she feels badly about the way she treated the other girls. They start talking about her “difficulties,” but then decides not to. Probably good move, Ben. Might as well get some guaranteed action while the getting is good. We get some crocodile tears from Courtney about her behavior, and the picnic is over.
At dinner, Ben and Courtney discuss her issues with the other girls. Courtney continually interrupts Ben while he’s trying to talk, but everything ends ok and it’s off to the fantasy suite! And another bearskin rug. They get naked in a SUPER small hot tub, and Ben is not complaining. Gross.
With a half hour left to go, the mind reels as to what could be coming next. Oh, except it doesn’t have to, because as everyone knows, Kacie B is BACK to warn Ben about Courtney. OH SNAP, people. She approaches the door, knocks, and Ben responds with a “Holy s***”. It’s awkward. She’s shaking. Ben looks extremely uncomfortable. Kacie asks Ben to tell her what went wrong. Ben says that they were “worlds apart” when it came to their backgrounds. After Kacie digests the information, she decides to take the plunge, and says that Ben would probably get his heart broken if he chooses Courtney. Kacie expands, saying that Courtney displays an “in it to win it” attitude. Ben looks decidedly unhappy about it. He sighs deeply, and Kacie is out of there. She collapses on the floor. Ben contemplates the meaning of life at his table.
He discusses things with our fair host, and things are cloudy (literally and figuratively). But there’s a rose ceremony to get to.
And here come the roses. If you’re ready, here’s Ben.
First rose goes to Lindzi! She’s thrilled.
And the final rose goes to . . . dun dun dun! Courtney. Alas! Poor Nicki! We hardly knew ye. But be not afraid! You don’t want to be with Ben anyway. She at least has the decency to hide her face while she weeps.
Well. That was emotional. We get a commercial for The Women Tell All, and I don’t know about you, but I’m annoyed about having to draw this shiz out another two weeks to wait for the end. Oh well. Until next Monday, friends!