Monday, March 5, 2012

The "Women" Beat a Dead Horse

Alright, fellow punishment gluttons! It’s Monday night, and you know what that means! No, not that you had better start drinking early in order to forget that there are four whole days left of this workweek (although, considering what I am about to do, maybe I should consider drumming up at least a tankard of beer from somewhere). That’s right, “reality” mavens! It’s time for the “very special” edition of The Bachelor, THE WOMEN TELL ALL! Oh, even the title is ominous. Anyone else surprised that the audience is all women? No? Here comes our host, and we’re off!

I was wondering how they were going to fill time of this epically long special (seriously, did they need two hours?), when an extended piece about some of our favorite hopefuls(?) from past seasons rolled across the screen, which turned out to be an extended commercial for Bachelor Pad (which I have never seen . . . you have to draw the line somewhere!), and a reminder about just how skeevy these people are. Here’s a tip: if you want people to take you seriously about finding love, don’t show yourself partying in Vegas and making out with randos, k?

There is no way I could possibly summarize this craziness, so I think I’ll share some choice sound-bytes from this first segment. We see a reel of everyone talk crap about each other, so where to start?

Blakely gets trashed on for awhile, but Samantha really steals the show with her audition tape for Bachelor Pad, by swearing and squeaking and shouting at Blakely. Classy. Next, we come to Brittney, who says,“The first reason why I left, is that there was no attraction towards Ben whatsoever” Preach it, sister. Samantha continues the whining, and Brittney gives it back to her, telling her to shut up, complete with hand clapping for emphasis. Double preach.

They brought Shawntel back to confront the “ladies”, and I fast forwarded it. Who cares about that? They shouldn’t have called her a trailer trash hooker, she should have learned her lesson the first time around, blah blah. Let’s keep going.

After the commercial break, we get a one-on-one interview with Emily, who told Ben to watch out for Courtney, he didn’t like it, she got dumped. Emily discusses that maybe she should have kept her mouth shut, but she wisely points out that she wouldn’t want to end up with someone who liked someone like Courtney anyway. Duh! You are just now figuring this out? Emily, like everyone else, was displeased to find out about the skanko-Roman wrestling that went on between Courtney and Ben, saying, “obviously, you are going to be clouded by thinking about sex!” which gets tumultuous applause from the audience. She’s extremely well spoken. Clearly, she deserves better than Ben anyway.

Next up, we have Nicki. She discusses how she fell hard for Ben, and we get to hear about her divorce again, it was cathartic to fall in love, yeah yeah yeah. She does not appear to be over it, judging by her tone of voice. She correctly points out that she doesn’t think that she could do anything different, because she was honest the first time. Good for you, Nicki.

Kacie B is the next interview. “Prior to this experience, I was thinking, obviously the only way I was going to find love was on The Bachelor. I was really hoping that this was the avenue that was going to work.” Oh, honey. I kind of felt sorry for you during your curse-laced limo ride of doom (Been there! Minus the limo, of course), but not anymore. The rest of the interview is pretty boring.

And now it’s time for let’s dump on Courtney! Goody! Gah, she’s horrible, isn’t she? “I remember her telling me in Sonoma that she had a big crush on Ben during Ashley’s season,” says Casey S, in a feeble attempt to defend her. “Of course she did! He was on TV!” quips another girl. Ouch. But deservedly so. “I think it could have been Joe Schmo sitting in the seat, and Courtney would have done her damndest to make sure she had the final rose!” exclaims Emily. Harrison asks at what point the girls could forgive Courtney, and they resoundingly respond that it would have to be sincere, which I think we’ll be hard pressed to find. All this, leading up the announcement that COURTNEY IS IN THE STUDIO! Everyone looks thoroughly annoyed by this.

Courtney comes out, and ominous music plays in the background. She says she’s terrified. She basically says things that are banal and formulaic, she’s so sorry, and what not. But I’m sure she’s sorry that everyone thinks she’s awful. But hey, I think she should send ABC a thank you letter for their money to help her work on her acting skills. Emily comes away from this segment with another wise nugget of truth, “Every single one of us was insecure, but we were adult about it, and supported each other.” Good call, Em. As great people have said, it is under stress when we see our true personalities come forth. Courtney carries on with the crocodile tears during the next segment, but it mostly sounded like whining about how mean the tabloids are being. Like you aren’t eating it up, you fame whore.

Next segment brings us Ben, who is almost an afterthought on his own show. The women are pretty easy on him, no one even asking about the skinny dipping (wimps!). I get the impression the women would still date him when he inevitably dumps Courtney. I mean, whoever he chooses.

Well, that’s the women tell all. Other than the Courtney segment, it was pretty uneventful. Who is pumped for next week’s finale? I know I’m excited for it to be OVER, and to watch Bones on Monday nights when it comes back. But until next week, au revior, rose-lovers!

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