Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Loud and Clear

"I'm exhausted," say the "ladies" as we open on the morning after last week's Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever™.  When Chris Harrison arrives at Casa Bachelor, he is there to tell them that they are going to Las Vegas!!!!! Olivia wastes no time informing everyone her plan to whisper to Ben that she wants a one-on-one, and she wants to see Celine. I hate to break it to you, sweetness, but there is no way Team Bachelor can afford Celine.

When they arrive in Vegas, there is a message from Ben on one of the neon signs, which the "ladies" LOVE. They understand that he did not do that right? Anyway, first date card goes to Jojo, and Olivia puts on a brave face in the face of her turmoil in not getting the date. Oh, I'm sorry, I meant b**** face.

Olivia's reaction to not getting the date.
JoJo and Ben spend some time on a tarmac drinking champagne when a helicopter descends and knocks over the table, champagne and all. No worries though, Ben throws himself on JoJo's lips to protect her from harm. Conveniently, all of the girls are able to watch the whole makeout sesh from the window, and they are NOT loving it.

We take some time here for foreshadowing! We see the twins, Emily and Haley, walking on a treadmill, talking about how they do everything together. They ride together, they swim together, they go out to dinner every  night, blah blah. All this means is that clearly, one of the twins is outta here this week, and thank goodness, because honestly, does anyone know which one is which? Does Ben know which one is which?

We don't get to see much of JoJo and Ben's date beyond the helicopter because we have to set up the twins' inevitable exit, but we do make room for JoJo's backstory reveal (her last boyfriend cheated!), and Ben, dang it he is earnest, convinces her that he wants her there and to be present and all of that, and not surprisingly, she gets the rose. And cue Vegas balcony and our first fireworks of the season! More making out. For what it's worth, Ben seems super in to JoJo, even if her problems are a little less severe than Jubilee's (I mean "walls" and "trust issues" and whatever are the same as your whole family being murdered, right?), so she is definitely emerging as a contender. And because Team Bachelor seems to be wanting to provoke Olivia into a complete meltdown (please!), the other "ladies" are able to watch the fireworks from their room as well. "I feel like I'm being cheated on," laments Olivia. That's because you are, sweetheart.

The group date this week includes Amanda, Jubilee, Caila, Amber, Haley, Emily, Leah, Lauren H, Jennifer, Rachel, Olivia (horrifyingly upset at this prospect) and Lauren B, and the girls follow Ben into a theater where a low-budget Jeff Dunham named Terry Fator tells them that today they will be participating in a talent competition! Hopefully Olivia feels right at home among her puppet brethren.

As the girls scramble to find talents, a discussion emerges about what Olivia's talent is (besides having giant toes, amiright!?) since she's keeping it a secret from everyone. It's not going to be a secret for long though, because the girls are going to open Terry's show (hope they gave a discount to the guests at the Mirage)! At this point, I turned to ask my husband something, and then all of a sudden I looked up and Olivia is in a straight up showgirl outfit, complete with rhinestone chains and a feather boa, shimmying toward the camera. I don't know how she got there, but I cannot wait to see what fresh hell this will bring.

When the girls get up to perform, Haley and Emily do Irish step dancing, Jubilee plays the cello, someone juggles (Leah?), someone hula dances, someone ties balloon animals, someone sings their own version of Old MacDonald, someone dresses as a clown, and FINALLY, we get to the main event. A cake is wheeled on stage and naturally, Olivia pops out and starts dancing around drunkenly, complete with weird leg kicks and boob shaking. For all of her confidence leading up to her performance, this is definitely meltdowns status. Ben looks perplexed at best. Afterward Olivia, in the spirit of Kelsey who came before her, has a "complete panic attack" over how stupid her talent was and how Ben "pity hugged" her out of mortification at the end. Sounds like the perfect conversation to parlay into getting a rose to me!

The cocktail party is poolside (naturally), and Caila is the first one to steal Ben and is worried about standing out in a non-obnoxious way, and decides the best way to subtly declare herself is to immediately stick her tongue in Ben's mouth. And Ben LOVES it. "Caila is like a sex panther!" Yikes.

 Lauren H. (I think?) also makes out with Ben after being forced to endure his puppet doppleganger, appropriately named "Little Ben." Eeesh. In between having to tuck her breasts into her shirt (for real though, what was that thing she was wearing? A sack?), Olivia continues to complain about how stupid her talent was and how she humiliated herself, but oh wait! One of the twins came and stole Ben away before Olivia could convince Ben to feel sorry for her! Cue nail biting (no really, her fingers are all up in her mouth during her talking head)! Because Olivia is not one to stand down, she continues to make things worse for herself by interrupting Emily's time with Ben to make sure that she gets a kiss. Or rather, Ben kisses her to shut her fat mouth. Unfortunately, her last ditch effort doesn't pay off, and Lauren B (last week's one-on-one date recipient) goes home with the rose!

The other one-on-one this week goes to Becca, who, as we all know, was the runner-up last year with Chris. Will she show more personality on this date than she did all of last season? I hope so. A large box arrives at Casa Bachelor containing, you guessed it, a wedding dress! The date card says, "Get dressed, it's a big day!" Jubilee voices what we're all thinking and says that, as a virgin, Becca is the only person in the house qualified to wear white, and is confident that she will be wearing white again upon her return to the house.

When Becca goes to meet Ben, it's at a wedding chapel, where  - after getting an internet ordination - Ben will be performing some weddings today! This is actually a pretty unique date, and almost makes me wish that we had gone to Vegas while they were filming so we could have gotten married on the Bach. But, alas, I suppose you can't have everything in life. Anyway, Becca and Ben officiate quite a few weddings, and eventually, Becca provides us with the requisite soundbyte, "I can totally see myself standing up next to Ben in a dress" and blah blah.

Their dinner conversation is much more intense, with Ben asking Becca what she thinks of the fact that he is not a virgin and whether or not that matters to her. Way to go Ben, asking the good questions! Becca says that it doesn't matter to her, and Ben gets a sense that Becca's commitment to chastity means that she will be good at committing, and she gets the date rose.

It's the day of the cocktail party and Chris Harrison comes bearing some news! The time for the dreaded two on one date between Haley and Emily has come! For this "date" Ben visits their home (they live in Vegas), meets their dogs and their moms, and spends time with each twin individually so he can eventually make his final decision. Haley is more reserved than Emily, who wastes no time chucking Haley under the bus, saying that her own connection to Ben is "so much stronger" and that Haley is "struggling" a lot more than she is about the whole situation. Then, Mama Twin comes in and gives a rousing endorsement for Haley, which can only mean one thing. The twin that will be leaving us is.... HALEY! Emily appears to be distraught, but wastes no time getting her mack on with Ben in the limo back to the hotel.

Olivia's life motto. 
   Newest addition to Olivia's vision board.  
At the cocktail party, all of the girls are wondering if anyone has a chance of snagging Ben before Olivia swoops in. Surprisingly, Jennifer is able to pull him aside for all of three minutes before Miss Thang makes her way over sinks her claws in. Olivia brings Ben a piece of cheesecake and goes on for awhile about how she "wasn't herself" this week and how she's so "awkward" and doesn't know why she is so "insecure." And Ben is just NOT having it. "I don't need you to tell me how awkward you are," says Ben in a tone that doesn't say, "can't wait to marry you, crazy biz." True to form, however, Olivia hasn't noticed any of this, and carries on to Ben about how she's "falling for him" like hardcore, and starts referring to herself in the third person saying, "Olivia is here for you!" In the meantime, Ben attempts to get himself out of this trap by grabbing her hands and sending her on her way. Rather than interpreting this for what it means - that Ben cannot stand to be within twenty feet of her - Olivia tells the camera that she heard Ben's message "loud and clear" and even goes so far as to tell JoJo that she declared her feelings for Ben and that Ben totally said the same thing back, even though no such thing happened. If her goal was to have a pretty convincing audition for a Lifetime movie in which she plays a stalker, then, mission accomplished.

Roll call! At the Rose Ceremony, Amanda, Lauren H, Emily, Jubilee, Jennifer, Caila, Leah, and ... Olivia (you can almost see the disgust on Ben's face) join Becca, Lauren B, and JoJo in the circle of safety, meaning that we have to say goodbye to unemployed Rachel and former Chris contestant Amber, who are rather distraught about leaving, but I don't understand how Amber could even be surprised given her performance during the Jubilee debacle last week. I also particularly liked her taking off her heels as she walked out. That's right, honey. Heels are for winners!

Whew! I am exhausted, Rose Enthusiasts. See you next week as we follow Olivia's gradual descent into madness!

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Science is fun!

It's week 2 of Ben's "journey" and Leah is so happy to be here! We open to one of the twins saying that "Ben is the greatest bachelor on the planet of history!" Wherever that is. Toast with a mimosa! 

Ben's motto. 
Ben is feeling "really positive" this  morning as he contemplatively drinks his coffee. After all, he's ready for the first date with his future wife. 

Date card! It's a group date for Jackie, LB, Becca, Lauren H, Amber, Mandi, Jojo, Jubilee, Jennifer, and Lace! "Let's learn how to love," says the date card. The montage of Lace getting ready for this date is classic. "If I could make out with Ben on this date, that would be fantastic. I could get the rose, and then get the drink ring." But she's not crazy. 

The women meet Ben at Bachelor High! After all, high school is where Ben's best memories happened. If he wasn't such a nice guy, I'd be super concerned that his life's highs all came at high school. But the real question is whether or not any of these people dressed appropriately enough to be anywhere near where children are educated. Survey says probably not. "I've never felt this turned on in a high school before," says Jojo, and somewhere Mary Kay Letourneu breathes a sigh of relief. Chris Harrison is also here (going full meta in a Napoleon Dynamite outfit), and the girls will be competing to become Ben's homecoming queen! Because that's not shallow or anything. The girls then proceed to work to make "Ben's volcano erupt," (they meant penis!) bob for apples (red, just like Ben's heart), find Indiana and place it on a map (surprisingly difficult), and making a free throw. Eventually, it comes down to Mandi and Amber, who then have to race to the finish. Mandi, the crazy Portland-ite, emerges the winner to the surprise of everyone, and she and her tiara get escorted off in a mustang! Aww, High school. We don't see any of their coveted one-on-one time, which is sort of surprising, because I would think that Mandi had a lot of quotable things to say. 

Ben's new motto. 
Becca is the first to steal Ben away at the cocktail party, and attempts to steal Ben's heart playing basketball (is it part of his contract that basketball must be everywhere on every date?). When Ben takes Jennifer aside, he quickly abandons his plan not to get physical too soon and starts making out with Jennifer. Seems that he took Chris Soules advice seriously! I guess it was good, because Jennifer says she "just wants to kiss his face all night." It happened so fast, I don't even know what pre-empted it. Lace is of course, unimpressed, and is upset because Ben is not paying attention to her.  When she finally talks to Ben, Lace attempts to apologize for her behavior at the first cocktail party, which Ben graciously accepts, much to his detriment, I'm sure. Don't do it, Ben! Of course, Lace has taken this to what some might call an unhealthy level, claiming that the two of them are essentially having intercourse with their eyes (she used much more common terms). Right when she's in the middle of her eye penetration, Jubilee interrupts her. But don't worry! Lace is not going to let that ruin her chance to get that rose! Jubilee also gets kissed, and says with absolutely no expression, how kissing him was "so special." Sure it was. The date rose eventually goes to Jojo, who had just been complaining about not having enough time.

How Olivia feels about Caila getting the date.

Datecard! It's a one-on-one for Caila! Olivia is stunned, because she was "clearly the frontrunner." Ok, honey. Before the date, Chris Harrison shows up, and welcomes Ice T and Kevin Hart, here to not shamelessly promote their new movie Ride Along 2. They take Ben aside, and tell him that they are going to take him on an "inexpensive" date to see how Caila reacts. Flowers are purchased from a street vendors, a liquor store is visited, and ultimately, they stop at a hot tub store before Ice T and Kevin peace out, having done their utmost to ensure that women will go with their boyfriends to see Ride Along 2. After dinner, Ben and Caila have a nice conversation about how Ben is "unlovable," and Caila tells the story of her last relationship (conveniently leaving out that she dumped her boyfriend to be on the show). Ultimately, I was pretty let down by the quality of this date. You almost feel sorry that Caila got such a lame one! But whatever, she got the rose. Oh nice, they got a private concert by Amos Lee. I guess that's not that lame. 

Olivia's Doppleganger. 
The rest of the girls take off on another group date, and show up in a room where they are shown by a robot to a room where Ben is dressed up in all white. Apparently, this is a love lab! Chris Harrison is there to say that they are finally going to use "science" to determine whether or not Ben is compatible with any of the girls, and since we're not sure the "ladies" are savvy enough to figure out this is definitely not real science, this should be excellent.  The girls are subjected to all sorts of tests, including allowing Ben to smell them after they exercise to see if he finds their natural scent attractive (most sweet, flowery, etc. except for Sam, who gets "sour." Gross).   The last test is a thermal energy test, which is just an excuse for the girls to watch Ben cavort with the others in his underwear. Theoretically, the purpose is to see how their heat level changes as they "interact" with each other, and I'm sure the fact that the "ladies" are all in bras and panties has nothing to do with Ben's heat being higher. When the results are read, sour-smelling Sam gets the lowest score with a 2.4, and (likely because of producer intervention) the most compatible is ... Olivia! Not surprisingly, she wastes no time changing her last name to Higgins after getting the date rose and declares that she "doesn't even know what rose ceremonies are." At least no one has to worry about her taking Miss Congeniality. 

"It's where I got my sour smell" - Sam
Side note, has anyone noticed that Sam looks exactly like Kermit the Frog?? 

At the cocktail party, the usual crop of girls who didn't get dates are feeling anxious about whether or not they'll get enough time with Ben and blah blah. But, that Ben, if he isn't the nicest guy, makes sure that all of the girls he didn't get time with feel special. He prints a picture of himself and Lauren B. from the first night and gives it to her (she says she loves it, but her face says unimpressed), and makes barrettes with Amanda for her kids. Ugh, he's so adorable. Anyway, Olivia manages to further anger the "ladies" by stealing Ben for another make out sesh before they even have time with him, which, of course, makes everyone - particularly Lace - more desperate than anyone could have hoped. When she pulls Ben aside, she further weakens her case that she's not a psycho by insisting over and over again that she is "not crazy." She seems to know that she's in a bad way, because afterward, she cries and says that the Lace "she promised herself would not come out" is here. 

Ben's reaction after keeping Lace. 
But thankfully, it's time to put Lace out of her misery, because it's time for the rose ceremony! Roses are going to Amanda, Jubilee, Lauren B., Leah, Becca, Rachel, Lace (RLY??) LB (but j/k, she leaves. Bye, Felicia!), Emily, Jennifer, Jami, Lauren H., Sushanna, Haley and Amber! This means we are saying a fond farewell to Mandi (Rose Head) Jackie, and Sam as they catch the Alone Train to Alonesville. Good luck, ladies! 

Well, that's all there is for this week, Rose Enthusiasts! Until next week, beware of anyone named Dr. Love! 

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

"Am I Dreaming?"

Welcome back, Rose Enthusiasts! Has everyone recovered from the disaster that was Kaitlyn? I hope so, because after two seasons of slut-faces, we finally have a lead with some class!

Meet Ben! He's 26, from Indiana, and, according to, once hiked the spiritual trails of Machu Pichu. Clearly, he's a solid investment. To begin Ben's journey, we see Ben walking lonely through a cornfield and discussing his fear of being unlovable, meet his adorable parents, and watch him be the grand marshal at his high school's homecoming (is this even a thing?). Really, Ben is almost too normal for this, except that we know no one normal goes on a reality TV show. 

After we get some advice from former Bachelors Sean, Jason, and Farmer Chris, Ben is ready to put himself out there! But who cares about all of that? Let's bring on the "ladies!" 

First out of the limo is Lauren B., who is lucky enough to get an intro package. Her happy place is the beach (but not somewhere that sells flattering swimwear), she is a flight attendant, and apparently has an entire gaggle of Stepford-esque friends whose faces are indistinguishable from her own. But at least they own giant wine glasses, amiright?? When she gets out of the limo, she brings Ben his own pair of wings, and hopes he's ready to "take off" on this journey. 

Caila jumps right into Ben's arms. "Thanks for catching me!" she quips, before asking to "catch up" inside. She reveals that she broke up with her boyfriend because of fate and stuff after she saw Ben on Kaitlyn's season, because that's normal.  Jennifer is a small business owner, and forgets to say her name. Jami makes a penis joke. So yeah. You know, you probably don't have to do EVERYTHING the producers tell you to do? Sam appears to possibly be drunk (or maybe her face just squishes like that?). Having just found out she passed the bar, she asks Ben if he prefers boxers or "legal briefs?" In her intro package, she reveals that her father had ALS and died when she was 13. Enough said. 

Jubilee, an army vet, gets out of the limo wearing something akin to Jennifer Lopez's infamous Grammy's dress and Ben wastes no time complimenting it (obviously because he's a nice guy and not because her boobies were going to fall out). Either way, she looks like she could kill me, so I'll stay out of her way. Lace (seriously?) walks right up to Ben and kisses him. Bold. Are we not even trying to hide the charade that most of these people have probably been strippers? Geez. That's a noun, not a name. 

Lauren R. spares not a moment before telling Ben how much she has stalked him over social media over the last several months. She's allegedly a math teacher, but unless all math teachers are moonlighting as aging porn stars, I believe none of it. Sushanna speaks to Ben in a foreign language, but they hug, so I guess it went well. Leah hiked up her dress and then hiked a football at Ben. After all, he's a "catch." 

This is of my nightmares. 
A unicorn mask pops out from behind the limo door revealing Jojo, who says that she does exist! She acknowledges that this might have been "disturbing" (might have??)

Lauren H. caught a bouquet at a wedding last weekend and brought it for Ben, which isn't the worst idea. Laura introduces herself as "Red Velvet." Because, why not? 

Mandi is "28," into the organics, embraces the weird, and is wearing a giant rose hat which she offers to allow Ben to "pollinate later." Evidently, she left all of her shame at home, along with the back of her dress. 

Image result for and twins memeThe twins, Emily and Haley, are revealed and apparently, being "twins" is their occupation? Is that a job? Anyway, I don't know if they know they're there for a gimmick, but whatevs. Should be interesting.

Meagan brought a mini-horse, and, at 30, apparently didn't get the memo about lying about our ages. 

Breanne is a "nutritional therapist" and wastes some perfectly good baguette in her crusade against gluten. Seriously, biz? Not ok. 
Izzy comes in her pajamas because she has to see if Ben is "the onesie" for her. 
Rachel comes hoverboarding over. Good thing it didn't go up in flames. 

Jessica feels like the luckiest girl in the world. 

Tiara is making all single women look terrible. A "chicken enthusiast", she has her own chicken (Shelia!) that lives in her room with her, along with several framed pictures of her chickens around the house. At least she had time to stick a picture of Ben in there! But after all of that, NOT A SINGLE SHOT OF HER WITH A CHICKEN at actual Casa Bachelor! Outrage!

Yet ANOTHER Lauren (LB) steps out of the limo, and has absolutely no distinguishing features other than her weird, droopy face. Jackie is next, definitely NOT 23, and brings Ben a save-the-date.
  Last out of the limo is Olivia, a news anchor, bears a striking resemblance to Janice from Electric Mayhem. She tells Ben that she has a lot to say, but no word on whether or not she brought her own teleprompter.
Olivia's doppleganger

Of course, it wouldn't be night one of the Bachelor without people showing up from previous seasons! Rounding out our merry bunch are runner-up Becca (virgin, may or may not like people) and Amber (ambiguous castoff) both from Chris's season. Of course, the other girls declare the "unfairness" of all of it and blah blah. 

Lace attacks the bartender. 
Definitely an interesting bunch. While all of these "ladies" are meeting Ben, we are getting acquainted with who are going to be the hot messes of the evening. Red Velvet Laura wishes that an ugly chick would show up, while Lace is shaping up to be the drunken mess of the evening, walking around declaring that no one is competition. Meanwhile, adorable Ben calls his mommy and daddy to tell them that all the girls are there. Awww!

But enough of this nonsense! Let's get to the one-on-ones! Some highlights included weird Mandi stealing Ben right in the middle of his welcome speech ("My wife is in this room!") in order to check to see if he was flossing, and Jojo not knowing anything about the geography of Texas. But is drunk AF Lace who makes the biggest "impression," going up to Ben and trying to make out with him again. Ben dodges this gracefully, which Lace takes to mean "he soooooo wanted me."  

In what couldn't have been a coincidence, Harrison comes marching in soon after this with the First Impression Rose, which news anchor Olivia is more than happy to accept (has she seen the statistics for the recipients?). I mean, it takes a special person to quit their job for "love" I guess. After the First Impression Rose is given out, the girls start getting a little weepy, but before we can get too many quality sound bytes, clink-clink-clink! It's time for the rose ceremony! 

Getting roses tonight are: 

Lauren B. (Beach bunny)
LB (indistinguishable droopy face)
Amber (ambiguous Chris castoff)
Jami (black Mandy Moore)
Jennifer (forgot her name) 
Jubilee (J.Lo boobs)
Amanda (has kids, so of course)
Jojo (not a scholar)
Leah (dress hiker)
Rachel (hoverboarder)
Sam (dead parent)
Haley (Thing 1)
Emily (Thing 2)
Shushanna (maybe speaks English?)
Lauren H.
Becca (Virgin!)
Mandi (producers' choice award)
Lace (High Drunk)! 

And so with that, we get rid of a couple of Laurens, Meagan with the horse, Laura, Bird Flu, and Breanne the Gluten Police, and we toast to another season of journeying together! 

Or wait, no we do not! Lace pulls Ben away to talk to him and ask him why he didn't look at her at all during the Rose Ceremony (always a winning move), and you can see Ben instantly regret keeping her around, but we don't! Can't wait to see more of her crazy next week!

So what did you think, fellow Rose Enthusiasts? I know I can't wait until next week, and until then, will be trying to remove the images of Harrison and the mini horse from my brain. Kisses!