Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Science is fun!

It's week 2 of Ben's "journey" and Leah is so happy to be here! We open to one of the twins saying that "Ben is the greatest bachelor on the planet of history!" Wherever that is. Toast with a mimosa! 

Ben's motto. 
Ben is feeling "really positive" this  morning as he contemplatively drinks his coffee. After all, he's ready for the first date with his future wife. 

Date card! It's a group date for Jackie, LB, Becca, Lauren H, Amber, Mandi, Jojo, Jubilee, Jennifer, and Lace! "Let's learn how to love," says the date card. The montage of Lace getting ready for this date is classic. "If I could make out with Ben on this date, that would be fantastic. I could get the rose, and then get the drink ring." But she's not crazy. 

The women meet Ben at Bachelor High! After all, high school is where Ben's best memories happened. If he wasn't such a nice guy, I'd be super concerned that his life's highs all came at high school. But the real question is whether or not any of these people dressed appropriately enough to be anywhere near where children are educated. Survey says probably not. "I've never felt this turned on in a high school before," says Jojo, and somewhere Mary Kay Letourneu breathes a sigh of relief. Chris Harrison is also here (going full meta in a Napoleon Dynamite outfit), and the girls will be competing to become Ben's homecoming queen! Because that's not shallow or anything. The girls then proceed to work to make "Ben's volcano erupt," (they meant penis!) bob for apples (red, just like Ben's heart), find Indiana and place it on a map (surprisingly difficult), and making a free throw. Eventually, it comes down to Mandi and Amber, who then have to race to the finish. Mandi, the crazy Portland-ite, emerges the winner to the surprise of everyone, and she and her tiara get escorted off in a mustang! Aww, High school. We don't see any of their coveted one-on-one time, which is sort of surprising, because I would think that Mandi had a lot of quotable things to say. 

Ben's new motto. 
Becca is the first to steal Ben away at the cocktail party, and attempts to steal Ben's heart playing basketball (is it part of his contract that basketball must be everywhere on every date?). When Ben takes Jennifer aside, he quickly abandons his plan not to get physical too soon and starts making out with Jennifer. Seems that he took Chris Soules advice seriously! I guess it was good, because Jennifer says she "just wants to kiss his face all night." It happened so fast, I don't even know what pre-empted it. Lace is of course, unimpressed, and is upset because Ben is not paying attention to her.  When she finally talks to Ben, Lace attempts to apologize for her behavior at the first cocktail party, which Ben graciously accepts, much to his detriment, I'm sure. Don't do it, Ben! Of course, Lace has taken this to what some might call an unhealthy level, claiming that the two of them are essentially having intercourse with their eyes (she used much more common terms). Right when she's in the middle of her eye penetration, Jubilee interrupts her. But don't worry! Lace is not going to let that ruin her chance to get that rose! Jubilee also gets kissed, and says with absolutely no expression, how kissing him was "so special." Sure it was. The date rose eventually goes to Jojo, who had just been complaining about not having enough time.

How Olivia feels about Caila getting the date.

Datecard! It's a one-on-one for Caila! Olivia is stunned, because she was "clearly the frontrunner." Ok, honey. Before the date, Chris Harrison shows up, and welcomes Ice T and Kevin Hart, here to not shamelessly promote their new movie Ride Along 2. They take Ben aside, and tell him that they are going to take him on an "inexpensive" date to see how Caila reacts. Flowers are purchased from a street vendors, a liquor store is visited, and ultimately, they stop at a hot tub store before Ice T and Kevin peace out, having done their utmost to ensure that women will go with their boyfriends to see Ride Along 2. After dinner, Ben and Caila have a nice conversation about how Ben is "unlovable," and Caila tells the story of her last relationship (conveniently leaving out that she dumped her boyfriend to be on the show). Ultimately, I was pretty let down by the quality of this date. You almost feel sorry that Caila got such a lame one! But whatever, she got the rose. Oh nice, they got a private concert by Amos Lee. I guess that's not that lame. 

Olivia's Doppleganger. 
The rest of the girls take off on another group date, and show up in a room where they are shown by a robot to a room where Ben is dressed up in all white. Apparently, this is a love lab! Chris Harrison is there to say that they are finally going to use "science" to determine whether or not Ben is compatible with any of the girls, and since we're not sure the "ladies" are savvy enough to figure out this is definitely not real science, this should be excellent.  The girls are subjected to all sorts of tests, including allowing Ben to smell them after they exercise to see if he finds their natural scent attractive (most sweet, flowery, etc. except for Sam, who gets "sour." Gross).   The last test is a thermal energy test, which is just an excuse for the girls to watch Ben cavort with the others in his underwear. Theoretically, the purpose is to see how their heat level changes as they "interact" with each other, and I'm sure the fact that the "ladies" are all in bras and panties has nothing to do with Ben's heat being higher. When the results are read, sour-smelling Sam gets the lowest score with a 2.4, and (likely because of producer intervention) the most compatible is ... Olivia! Not surprisingly, she wastes no time changing her last name to Higgins after getting the date rose and declares that she "doesn't even know what rose ceremonies are." At least no one has to worry about her taking Miss Congeniality. 

"It's where I got my sour smell" - Sam
Side note, has anyone noticed that Sam looks exactly like Kermit the Frog?? 

At the cocktail party, the usual crop of girls who didn't get dates are feeling anxious about whether or not they'll get enough time with Ben and blah blah. But, that Ben, if he isn't the nicest guy, makes sure that all of the girls he didn't get time with feel special. He prints a picture of himself and Lauren B. from the first night and gives it to her (she says she loves it, but her face says unimpressed), and makes barrettes with Amanda for her kids. Ugh, he's so adorable. Anyway, Olivia manages to further anger the "ladies" by stealing Ben for another make out sesh before they even have time with him, which, of course, makes everyone - particularly Lace - more desperate than anyone could have hoped. When she pulls Ben aside, she further weakens her case that she's not a psycho by insisting over and over again that she is "not crazy." She seems to know that she's in a bad way, because afterward, she cries and says that the Lace "she promised herself would not come out" is here. 

Ben's reaction after keeping Lace. 
But thankfully, it's time to put Lace out of her misery, because it's time for the rose ceremony! Roses are going to Amanda, Jubilee, Lauren B., Leah, Becca, Rachel, Lace (RLY??) LB (but j/k, she leaves. Bye, Felicia!), Emily, Jennifer, Jami, Lauren H., Sushanna, Haley and Amber! This means we are saying a fond farewell to Mandi (Rose Head) Jackie, and Sam as they catch the Alone Train to Alonesville. Good luck, ladies! 

Well, that's all there is for this week, Rose Enthusiasts! Until next week, beware of anyone named Dr. Love! 

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