Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Loud and Clear

"I'm exhausted," say the "ladies" as we open on the morning after last week's Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever™.  When Chris Harrison arrives at Casa Bachelor, he is there to tell them that they are going to Las Vegas!!!!! Olivia wastes no time informing everyone her plan to whisper to Ben that she wants a one-on-one, and she wants to see Celine. I hate to break it to you, sweetness, but there is no way Team Bachelor can afford Celine.

When they arrive in Vegas, there is a message from Ben on one of the neon signs, which the "ladies" LOVE. They understand that he did not do that right? Anyway, first date card goes to Jojo, and Olivia puts on a brave face in the face of her turmoil in not getting the date. Oh, I'm sorry, I meant b**** face.

Olivia's reaction to not getting the date.
JoJo and Ben spend some time on a tarmac drinking champagne when a helicopter descends and knocks over the table, champagne and all. No worries though, Ben throws himself on JoJo's lips to protect her from harm. Conveniently, all of the girls are able to watch the whole makeout sesh from the window, and they are NOT loving it.

We take some time here for foreshadowing! We see the twins, Emily and Haley, walking on a treadmill, talking about how they do everything together. They ride together, they swim together, they go out to dinner every  night, blah blah. All this means is that clearly, one of the twins is outta here this week, and thank goodness, because honestly, does anyone know which one is which? Does Ben know which one is which?

We don't get to see much of JoJo and Ben's date beyond the helicopter because we have to set up the twins' inevitable exit, but we do make room for JoJo's backstory reveal (her last boyfriend cheated!), and Ben, dang it he is earnest, convinces her that he wants her there and to be present and all of that, and not surprisingly, she gets the rose. And cue Vegas balcony and our first fireworks of the season! More making out. For what it's worth, Ben seems super in to JoJo, even if her problems are a little less severe than Jubilee's (I mean "walls" and "trust issues" and whatever are the same as your whole family being murdered, right?), so she is definitely emerging as a contender. And because Team Bachelor seems to be wanting to provoke Olivia into a complete meltdown (please!), the other "ladies" are able to watch the fireworks from their room as well. "I feel like I'm being cheated on," laments Olivia. That's because you are, sweetheart.

The group date this week includes Amanda, Jubilee, Caila, Amber, Haley, Emily, Leah, Lauren H, Jennifer, Rachel, Olivia (horrifyingly upset at this prospect) and Lauren B, and the girls follow Ben into a theater where a low-budget Jeff Dunham named Terry Fator tells them that today they will be participating in a talent competition! Hopefully Olivia feels right at home among her puppet brethren.

As the girls scramble to find talents, a discussion emerges about what Olivia's talent is (besides having giant toes, amiright!?) since she's keeping it a secret from everyone. It's not going to be a secret for long though, because the girls are going to open Terry's show (hope they gave a discount to the guests at the Mirage)! At this point, I turned to ask my husband something, and then all of a sudden I looked up and Olivia is in a straight up showgirl outfit, complete with rhinestone chains and a feather boa, shimmying toward the camera. I don't know how she got there, but I cannot wait to see what fresh hell this will bring.

When the girls get up to perform, Haley and Emily do Irish step dancing, Jubilee plays the cello, someone juggles (Leah?), someone hula dances, someone ties balloon animals, someone sings their own version of Old MacDonald, someone dresses as a clown, and FINALLY, we get to the main event. A cake is wheeled on stage and naturally, Olivia pops out and starts dancing around drunkenly, complete with weird leg kicks and boob shaking. For all of her confidence leading up to her performance, this is definitely meltdowns status. Ben looks perplexed at best. Afterward Olivia, in the spirit of Kelsey who came before her, has a "complete panic attack" over how stupid her talent was and how Ben "pity hugged" her out of mortification at the end. Sounds like the perfect conversation to parlay into getting a rose to me!

The cocktail party is poolside (naturally), and Caila is the first one to steal Ben and is worried about standing out in a non-obnoxious way, and decides the best way to subtly declare herself is to immediately stick her tongue in Ben's mouth. And Ben LOVES it. "Caila is like a sex panther!" Yikes.

 Lauren H. (I think?) also makes out with Ben after being forced to endure his puppet doppleganger, appropriately named "Little Ben." Eeesh. In between having to tuck her breasts into her shirt (for real though, what was that thing she was wearing? A sack?), Olivia continues to complain about how stupid her talent was and how she humiliated herself, but oh wait! One of the twins came and stole Ben away before Olivia could convince Ben to feel sorry for her! Cue nail biting (no really, her fingers are all up in her mouth during her talking head)! Because Olivia is not one to stand down, she continues to make things worse for herself by interrupting Emily's time with Ben to make sure that she gets a kiss. Or rather, Ben kisses her to shut her fat mouth. Unfortunately, her last ditch effort doesn't pay off, and Lauren B (last week's one-on-one date recipient) goes home with the rose!

The other one-on-one this week goes to Becca, who, as we all know, was the runner-up last year with Chris. Will she show more personality on this date than she did all of last season? I hope so. A large box arrives at Casa Bachelor containing, you guessed it, a wedding dress! The date card says, "Get dressed, it's a big day!" Jubilee voices what we're all thinking and says that, as a virgin, Becca is the only person in the house qualified to wear white, and is confident that she will be wearing white again upon her return to the house.

When Becca goes to meet Ben, it's at a wedding chapel, where  - after getting an internet ordination - Ben will be performing some weddings today! This is actually a pretty unique date, and almost makes me wish that we had gone to Vegas while they were filming so we could have gotten married on the Bach. But, alas, I suppose you can't have everything in life. Anyway, Becca and Ben officiate quite a few weddings, and eventually, Becca provides us with the requisite soundbyte, "I can totally see myself standing up next to Ben in a dress" and blah blah.

Their dinner conversation is much more intense, with Ben asking Becca what she thinks of the fact that he is not a virgin and whether or not that matters to her. Way to go Ben, asking the good questions! Becca says that it doesn't matter to her, and Ben gets a sense that Becca's commitment to chastity means that she will be good at committing, and she gets the date rose.

It's the day of the cocktail party and Chris Harrison comes bearing some news! The time for the dreaded two on one date between Haley and Emily has come! For this "date" Ben visits their home (they live in Vegas), meets their dogs and their moms, and spends time with each twin individually so he can eventually make his final decision. Haley is more reserved than Emily, who wastes no time chucking Haley under the bus, saying that her own connection to Ben is "so much stronger" and that Haley is "struggling" a lot more than she is about the whole situation. Then, Mama Twin comes in and gives a rousing endorsement for Haley, which can only mean one thing. The twin that will be leaving us is.... HALEY! Emily appears to be distraught, but wastes no time getting her mack on with Ben in the limo back to the hotel.

Olivia's life motto. 
   Newest addition to Olivia's vision board.  
At the cocktail party, all of the girls are wondering if anyone has a chance of snagging Ben before Olivia swoops in. Surprisingly, Jennifer is able to pull him aside for all of three minutes before Miss Thang makes her way over sinks her claws in. Olivia brings Ben a piece of cheesecake and goes on for awhile about how she "wasn't herself" this week and how she's so "awkward" and doesn't know why she is so "insecure." And Ben is just NOT having it. "I don't need you to tell me how awkward you are," says Ben in a tone that doesn't say, "can't wait to marry you, crazy biz." True to form, however, Olivia hasn't noticed any of this, and carries on to Ben about how she's "falling for him" like hardcore, and starts referring to herself in the third person saying, "Olivia is here for you!" In the meantime, Ben attempts to get himself out of this trap by grabbing her hands and sending her on her way. Rather than interpreting this for what it means - that Ben cannot stand to be within twenty feet of her - Olivia tells the camera that she heard Ben's message "loud and clear" and even goes so far as to tell JoJo that she declared her feelings for Ben and that Ben totally said the same thing back, even though no such thing happened. If her goal was to have a pretty convincing audition for a Lifetime movie in which she plays a stalker, then, mission accomplished.

Roll call! At the Rose Ceremony, Amanda, Lauren H, Emily, Jubilee, Jennifer, Caila, Leah, and ... Olivia (you can almost see the disgust on Ben's face) join Becca, Lauren B, and JoJo in the circle of safety, meaning that we have to say goodbye to unemployed Rachel and former Chris contestant Amber, who are rather distraught about leaving, but I don't understand how Amber could even be surprised given her performance during the Jubilee debacle last week. I also particularly liked her taking off her heels as she walked out. That's right, honey. Heels are for winners!

Whew! I am exhausted, Rose Enthusiasts. See you next week as we follow Olivia's gradual descent into madness!

No comments:

Post a Comment