Tuesday, January 3, 2017

An Unprecedented Return

"Just a Jigga Man, Pimp C"
Welcome, welcome, welcome, everyone to another season of our favorite primetime train wreck, The Bachelor! It has been a year since I have delved into the minutiae of each episode with you via this blog, but finally having a Bachelor with a questionable personality has brought me out of retirement! I am hoping for Juan Pablo-level shenanigans from Nick (as are the producers, I suspect), so let's toast to a journey full of tears and questionable life choices!

Whoa. Thirty seconds in and we are already treated(?) to some gratuitous nudity! I mean, we know from previous seasons that Nick is no prude, but good gracious. Save it until at least after the first commercial break! During his intro package, Nick has some trouble admitting to himself that he's contractually obligated to ABC for another several months, but accepts that he is "grateful to be in this position" (and many others later too, amiright?!). Enough with the false humility, Nick! We all know you're the Bachelor because you're a hot mess and that is what the people want! 

Time for a Bachelor round table! We get visits from former Bachelors Sean, Chris, and Ben, who hand out advice for Nick, and Nick continues his redemption tour. The guys encourage Nick to "be himself," because apparently that person is way better than whoever we have been seeing for the last several years. I know I didn't see Nick's transformative run on Bachelor in Paradise (and neither did most of America, points out Sean), but how great could that edit possibly have been? 

Chris Harrison is glad to have purpose again, and he is here to introduce us to this year's crop of "interesting," "accomplished" women, who are here to win Nick's heart! For simplicity's sake, here they are in alphabetical order (not necessarily the order in which we are introduced to them). 

The 30 "ladies" are:

Alexis, 23, aspiring dolphin trainer, Secaucus, NJ. Alexis evidently owns a sumo wrestling outfit and is super into dolphins. She arrives in a dolphin outfit, but is actually a shark outfit, and she "dolphinately" can't wait to talk to Nick inside. 

Angela, 26, model, Greenville, SC. Regulation hottie. Says nothing. ZZZ. 

Astrid, 26, plastic surgery office manager, Tampa, FL. Astrid speaks a bunch of German and propositions Nick for sex and for seeing her breasts. So yeah. 

Briana, 28, surgical unit nurse, Salt Lake City, UT. She listens to his heart with a stethoscope. Old hat, Briana. Next! 

Christen's doppleganger.
Brittany, 26, travel nurse, Santa Monica, CA. She offers to perform a rectal exam. That's...a choice. Of course, one can never be too careful on this show, so maybe that's a smarter move than we think. 

Christen, 25, wedding videographer, Tulsa, OK. She does some sort of fan dance on her way out of the limo and looks like one of the Chipettes. 

Corinne, 24, business owner, Miami, FL. Corrine's intro package has the same opening shot of Elle Woods's video essay for Harvard. She has a codependent relationship with her family, and she still has a nanny? She gives Nick a "hug token" to cash in later. 

Cleavage Adequacy: 11/10
Danielle L., 27, small business owner, Los Angeles, CA. Danielle owns a chain of nail salons. She is excited that Nick is going to be the Bachelor for the exact reason that any sane person should be wary of him, and that is that he has been on the show so many times, it shows he is "serious" about finding love. I guess being willing to overexpose themselves shamelessly is only a cute quirk? Or apparently something both of them can participate in given the amount of cleavage she exposes when she gets out of the limo! 

Danielle M., 31, neonatal nurse, Nashville, TN. Danielle is wearing appropriate nursewear! She gets a good edit in her intro video, so she may be an actual contender. 

Dominique, 25, restaurant server, Los Angeles, CA. She's just really excited. Like really excited to be here. 

Elizabeth ("Liz"), 29, doula, Las Vegas, NV.  Liz was Jade's (of Jade and Tanner) Maid of Honor, and may or may not have hooked up with Nick at the reception. She's got a bunch of tats, and can't live without her Bible (according to ABC.com), so clearly, she's a solid investment. Nick does not appear to remember her. She isn't fussed about it though. She's really excited to refresh his memory. 

Elizabeth, 24, marketing manager, Dallas, TX. Elizabeth is the most nervous she has ever been, but she is so happy that Nick is the Bachelor. Boring. Blah. Next. 

Hailey, 23, photographer, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. She enters with a joke. "Do you know what a girl wearing underwear says?" "Neither do I?" Nick is impressed with her open sexuality. But geez, hope there aren't any cold benches in Casa Bachelor. 

Ida Marie, 23, sales manager, Harlingen, TX. Definitely a bit of a "plain-facer," but seems enthusiastic enough. 

Jaimi, 28, chef, New Orleans, LA. She's watched Nick's journey, and thinks he has balls, but so does she! A nose ring with balls that is! 

Jasmine B., 25, flight attendant, Tacoma, WA. We got nothing on her. 

Jasmine G., 29, pro basketball dancer, San Francisco, CA. She brings Neil Lane with her, and shows Nick her favorite ring. The producers must like her at least to let her prop up Neil Lane. 

Josephine, 24, registered nurse, Santa Cruz, CA. Internet says she's a registered nurse, but when we see her intro package, she is actually a nursing student, and she wastes no time putting on everyone's favorite slutty nurse wear. Have some self-respect, Josephine! Oh, never mind, she's psycho. She exits the limo with a hollow book containing a raw hot dog, and announces to Nick that he's "a weiner in her book" and then offers him the option of "Lady and the Tramping" it, which Nick does, albiet reluctantly. But I suppose anyone who is willing to bite a raw weiner has potential, right, Nick? 

Kristina, 24, dental hygienist, Lexington, KY. We literally see nothing about her, and she has a real job, so she's clearly not going anywhere. 

Lacey, 25, digital marketing manager, Manhattan, NY. Lacey arrives on a camel and says that they both enjoy a good "hump!" Classy. 

Lauren, 30, law school graduate, Naples, FL. She has the worst intro of all, announcing that her last name is Hussey, and since Nick's last name is "Viall" (pronounced "vile") that together they make a disgusting slut. I mean, I know I wasn't exactly the greatest dater, but I think even I knew better than to call me and anyone a disgusting slut when I just met them. But take bonding where you can, I suppose. 

Michelle, 24, food truck owner, Los Angeles, CA. She wants to take the "lemons" of Nick's past and make lemonade. Boring. 

Olivia, 25, apparel sales representative, Anchorage, AK. Olivia is from Alaska, and wants to give Nick an eskimo kiss. She also shows up in a real fur... Does she get to do that because she's from Alaska? 

Rachel, 31, attorney, Dallas, TX. Rachel is a civil litigator, and wants us to know that she is more than just a lawyer! She is an accomplished vacuum dancer, and she is FUN, guys! She seems much too accomplished and well-adjusted to be on this show. Get out now, Rachel! 

Raven, 25, fashion boutique owner, Hoxie, AR. Raven continues southern stereotypes by announcing that she enjoys shooting guns and reading the Bible. She teaches Nick how to do some Arkansas State hog call. 

Sarah, 26, grade school teacher, Newport Beach, CA. She runs up because Nick is the perpetual "runner up!" Solid joke. 

Susannah, 26, account manager, San Diego, CA. Gives Nick a beard massage. 

Taylor, 23, mental health counselor, Seattle, WA. Taylor is half white, half black, so we know why she got an intro video. She tells Nick that all of her friends think he's a complete "piece of s***", but assures Nick she doesn't think that. So that's nice. 

Vanessa, 29, special education teacher, Montreal, Quebec, Canada. Vanessa is a teacher, and for heaven's sake, does her school have no dress code?! What is she wearing? That outfit would be good for at least two passive aggressive emails and a line item at a staff meeting addressing professional attire if anyone I worked with wore it! 

Whitney, 25, Pilates instructor, Chanhassen, MN. I completely missed her. Kort says she was skinny and looks like Shiri Appleby. I trust him. 

Nick comes into the cocktail party and says that he's really ready to find someone, and he wants someone empowered with a strong personality! He and women are basically equals, you guys. We see a few one-on-ones, and then Chris Harrison, the harbinger of doom, brings forth the first impression rose! Taylor announces that her "heart is in her a**" seeing it. I would pay to see that, Taylor. 

Definitely not here to make friends! 
Corrine wins the aggression award for the evening and is not only the first one to steal Nick from another girl, but also kisses him, which she comes in and announces to everyone like a tipsy Paul Revere. This gets other girls on their toes and calling her a "ho." She doesn't care though! She's here for "Nick-nick-nick-na-nick-nick-nick NICKELODEON!" 

The dolphin girl also gets a lot of attention, with Corrine correctly pointing out that this could be a pretty impressive strategy if she has a questionable body underneath. True that, Corrine. Nick is also concerned that she doesn't know what animal she is, which shows that he may not be as stupid as I thought.
Definitely gills, folks. 

DUN DUN DUN! It's time for the first impression rose, and it goes to . . . . RACHEL! Wow! Good for you Nick, giving the first impression rose to someone who actually has a job and a life! She seems genuinely excited about it, which is really sweet, but clearly going to end badly for her. 

The best part about there being a million women here is that we don't see that much of the cocktail party, and we are already right to the Rose Ceremony! 

Getting roses tonight are: 

Vanessa (Tight Pants Teacher)
Danielle L. (Cleavage McGee)
Christen (Dog Chipmunk)
Astrid (German girl)
Corrine (Aggressive kisser)
Elizabeth (nondescript blonde)
Jasmine G (Neil Lane girl)
Raven (Guns and Jesus!)
Kristina (Weird accent, cried a lot)
Danielle M (current fave!)
Sarah (running enthusiast)
Josephine (producer choice)
Lacey (Hump DAY!)
Taylor (friends hate Nick)
Alexis (Dolphin chick makes it through!) 
Hailey (no undies)
Whitney (skinny and stuff)
Dominique (So excited!)
Jaimi (has balls)
Brittany (rectal exam)
Liz (drunken hookup)

Which means on the Alone Train to Alonesville are: 
Ida Marie
Jasmine B.

Some additional thoughts:

1) I wonder if the producers were so bored with these women that they made everyone wear a red dress to manufacture a storyline? That does NOT say good things about the rest of the season.

2) How many times are we going to be treated to listening to everyone say how they are going to judge Nick based on his current behavior instead of his previous douchebaggery? Why not embrace that Nick is a train wreck and everyone is going down with him? I guess that's not very romantic, but it's a heck of a lot more entertaining!

3) Are we abandoning all sense of propriety when it comes to sex? I mean, I guess Nick has definitely boned more girls on this show than anyone else, but, wow! I'm not sure I've ever seen the women more aggressive in offering their bodies to the Bachelor. I hope everyone got their screenings before they came, because this could turn into quite the petri dish of nasty.

4) Did ANYONE not have the same hairstyle? Was there a one-inch barrel curling iron left safe in the Southern California area after this was filmed? Am I just missing how I'm supposed to be doing my hair (a very real possibility I suppose)? 

Well, everyone, this pretty much covers this week's shenanigans! We'll see if I can keep up with the blogging during the rest of the season! Kisses! 

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