Wednesday, January 25, 2017

The Bachelor Recap: "Miss Proper" Lives for a Day

Welcome back, Rose Enthusiasts! After a short break last week, I am back to update you on the increasingly dramatic shenanigans on The Bachelor! And honestly, I know we are supposed to hate Corinne, but dang it if she isn't the most entertaining thing to come out of this franchise since Ashley Onion. She can't be lasting more than another week, but it has been a great ride, no? 

In case you forgot. 
We pick up at last week's pool party directly after our Queen (HAIL!) Vanessa tells Nick that she is "judging his actions" after he allowed Corinne to straddle him in the bouncy castle and that if she is expecting him to "shake her t***" at him, then she's going to give back the rose. Nick, on the other hand, begs her to be patient while he sows the rest of his wild oats, especially in regards to Corinne. Whether this is because he knows how valuable she is to the show or if he's just not through, um, exploring her, we aren't sure. 

While all this is going on, the "ladies" are sitting in a circle, discussing how best to approach this turn of events. "I *clap* just *clap* want *clap* to *clap* know *clap* what *clap* is *clap* going*clap* on!" exclaims Jasmine, and the other women heartily join in. Taylor and Sarah, however, decide to confront Corinne mid-nap, which is about as productive as one would expect. Corinne says "You do you. Imma do me." She has a bunch of haters here, y'all. Even though the "ladies" are optimistic that their concerns being voiced to Nick are enough to get Corinne a one-way ticket on the Alone Train to Alonesville, guess who gets a rose??

The rest of the roll call includes
Whitney  (who?)
Kristina (seriously, who is this?)

See you in July, Christen! 
So, we bid a fond (?) farewell until Paradise to Christen, who doesn't even deign to say goodbye to Nick on her way out, instead gives him this epic side-eye. Brittany too, is sent packing. Bye "ladies", we hardly knew ye! 

"Come and get it Nick!" says Corinne at the post-Rose Ceremony toast, and grabs her boobs knowingly.

The next day, Harrison arrives at the house and announces that they will be traveling to Milwaukee, which I'm convinced none of the "ladies" know is in the United States, because I cannot figure out why they would be so excited to go there. But, excited they are, and we see them arrive in the lush paradise that is Nick's hometown, Waukesha, WI!

"I suppose having 10/11
children not on reality TV is a win, right?"
Once we arrive, we get to see the most beleaguered parents in America, Chris and Mary Viall! Nick attempts to reassure his parents that he isn't messing around that that he's ready to find the one. Nick's mom cries, wondering where she went wrong with her second-born, and Nick's dad takes a firm hand with his son, and says, "We never want to see you on this show again." Neither do we, Nick. Neither do we.

Danielle L, winner of last week's awkward middle school dance to the Backstreet Boys, will be receiving the first one-on-one this week, and they will be walking around Nick's hometown, hanging out. If I were Danielle, I'd feel cheated. No fireworks? No yacht? No helicopter? Lame! The two of them are enjoying time at a bakery, decorating cookies, and making out while licking frosting off of each other's fingers. And, so weird, after they leave, one of Nick's exes just HAPPENS to be sitting, all mic'd and ready to go in a very clear front window of a random coffee shop. So, of course, we have to stop and talk to her, so she can help with Nick's image rehab! Thanks for your help, Amber, enjoy your coffee and decent life choices.

Nick and Danielle then take a stroll to a local park, where they discuss their pasts and may or may not make out in the very spot where Nick lost his virginity! How romantic. Later, they meet up at a bar, and WHAT IN THE ACTUAL HECK is she wearing? Is that toilet paper attached to her skirt? After Nick goes through some hard-hitting questions, ("When's the last time you shopped in sweat pants?"), Danielle shares about her parents' divorce, and based on his questions, Nick appears mystified that the divorce has affected her dating perspective. But, emotional baggage aside, she's got a nice set of boobs, so of course, Danielle is getting the rose! And cue private concert with more public stage dancing.

Back at the hotel, the group date card is here! In attendance for this date will be: 

Danielle L

"Say cheese!" says the card, which, anyone familiar with Wisconsin knows means this is a dairy farm date, which you know has been specifically organized to see Corinne do something besides nap, and I am ALL ABOUT IT. "It smells like cows and nature," says Astrid when they arrive. Corinne is is beside herself. She just wants to be in a spa being fed a nice taco, y'all. 

"Clearly I do this all the time."
So we get to the farm, and Nick is feeding a baby cow (image rehab #2 for this episode), and announces that today we will be doing some farm chores! Ok, let's get real a second. They didn't even make the women go to a farm and do chores on Farmer Chris's season (or did they? I can't remember) and he ACTUALLY LIVES ON A FARM. Is it not enough that we are pretending that Nick has a job outside social media and doesn't live in LA? We have to pretend that he's feeding farm animals in his real life? Get real, Team Bachelor. 

Anyway, most of the women gamely participate in the manual labor, but Corinne declares that she wouldn't even make her nanny Raquel do farm chores (#freeraquel). She's better than that. How could this date get any less romantic? Well, you wondered too soon, Corinne! You're shoveling poop next! "Thank God I didn't wear designer today. I need sushi." she says. Cue a bunch of actual s*** vs. bulls*** metaphors from the women, and Corinne sitting out due to "poor circulation" in her hands. Another fun fact discovered during this part of the date is that Nick is not great at milking a cow, which leads Jaimi (who turns out to be a talented, um, milker?) to be disappointed in how he "handles those teats," and I subsequently threw up in my mouth a little. 

Cocktail hour on the date starts with Kristina, who offers to tell more of her story, which Nick declines in favor of some quality tongue-time. Nicely done, man. In the meantime, Corinne has gotten the idea that the other women don't like her, and it might be because she overheard all of them saying that they don't like her. But don't worry everyone, Corinne is strong, and she can take this "abuse." She's not immature. In fact, because we're in the Midwest, she even uses a corn metaphor to describe how mature she is. It's topical and effective! 

"Do you find this immature? I'm a corn husk. Underneath I am juicy, buttery, corn." 

Yeeeeeeeah. So. Corinne decides it's time to face this problem head on, and invites any of the "ladies" who have problems with her to confront her to her face. This leads Sarah to ask her if she is "ready to marry a 36-year-old man" and Taylor to wonder how she slept through that rose ceremony that one time. But don't worry, everyone. Abraham Lincoln took naps, and Michael Jordan took naps, so Corinne is in excellent company there. Or so she says. Anyway, they are fighting for a fiance, not a pickle (so many comments here), so Corinne has decided that it's time to leave this "disrespectful" conversation and go talk to Nick. The conversation ends well, albiet, without kissing, but Corinne is satisfied nonetheless. 

But, because Nick wants to live to see tomorrow, Kristina ends up with the date rose! 

Meanwhile, Raven's date card has arrived. "Let's kick it." And even though Raven thinks that means they're playing baseball (Oh, honey...) Raven and Nick will be watching Nick's little sister Bella's soccer game! Aww! This means that Raven gets some quality time with Chris and Mary, who seem tolerant of having to participate in this date. After cheering Bella from the sidelines, the date picks up at a local roller rink, where Nick and Raven will be skating with Bella and her soccer team! How sweet! After a circle round to "Kiss Me," we see Nick and Raven seated at a nice table of wine, and we get to hear some graphic details of Raven's ex's infidelity, and it is revealed that she beat her ex with a stiletto when she walked in on him with another woman. Nick is either impressed at her strength or terrified that it might happen to him, so Raven gets the rose.

It's cocktail party time, we begin on a tense note, with Taylor, already over the dang edge re: Corinne, getting angry at Danielle L, by "stealing" Nick first. She has a rose, so how dare she, I guess? Anywho, Taylor is off to make sure she gets her time. We see her ultimately successful in sending Danielle back to the wine (and whine) circle, but we see none of her conversation with Nick because, Corinne is enjoying some chicken nuggets with Josephine (gotta soak up that wine!) and is discussing how fake Taylor is, and we cannot miss that. Corinne decides that now is the best time to "rip Taylor a new one!"  

The two confront each other by a fire, and Taylor starts using some really big words and Corinne just cannot take it. "She is a nasty, fake, b****" she concludes at the end of their argument, which goes something like "You're fake" "You're stupid." "No you're stupid" "You're an emotional infant" etc. Corinne cannot believe she is being treated as such. Her father She runs an multi-million dollar company after all. 

And, look what time it is? 


Until next week everyone! Let me know if you find the magical taco spa before then. I want to go to there. 

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