Thursday, January 12, 2017

The Bachelor Recap: Hold me Tight

Welcome back, Rose Enthusiasts! It's three hours after the last Rose Ceremony, and it is time for the first real week of competition! Chris Harrison is in the house, and after the prerequisite "I am so glad that I got to meet Nick. He is sooooo special. I'm so lonely, let's get on with this" comments from the "ladies," we are ready for our first group date! 

The card reads "Always a Bridesmaid..." and the chosen few for today's group humiliation are:

Danielle L
Elizabeth W

Last week's kissing machine Corrine is really excited that her name was first on the date card ("It's better than number two! Or going number two!" she declares) and reveals that she has "never been a bridesmaid," which surprises no one. The other girls also seem to be unfamiliar with the saying, but hope that since Nick has never been a groom, and they have never been a bride, they can all experience this for the first time together! 

At this point, we finally see Nick, who has been conspicuously absent from the first ten minutes of the episode, despite that he is apparently the "lead." I guess when you're trying to give someone a good edit, the less they say the better! Nick says last night was incredible, and he is so glad that everyone is willing to give him a chance despite his dating past, which translates to, "still don't know what I'm doing here, but the plethora of available, emotionally damaged women at my disposal for no discernible reason is not to be taken for granted."

When the "ladies" arrive for the date, Dolphin Devotee Alexis reintroduces herself to Nick, who checks out her body, as it wasn't on display last night, and approves. 

A photographer, Franco LaCosta (whoever that is), has arrived, and begins to hand out various wedding dresses and other wedding attire to the "ladies," because we are taking themed wedding photos for today's activity! "Nothing is more appropriate for a first date," says Nick. I would have paid more attention to what the dresses were specifically, except this guy was wearing an ensemble that would make Freddy Mercury jealous. 

Anyway, after the producer faves have been handed wedding dresses for various themes (elopement, biker, shotgun, 1980s, etc.) and the soon-to-be-eliminated warm bodies are handed coordinating bridesmaid dresses, it is revealed that whoever has the most arbitrarily judged chemistry with Nick during the photo shoot is going to win a surprise that everyone already knows is more time with Nick, so high stakes I guess. Everyone seems to be thrilled with their assignments except poor Brittany, who was assigned "Adam and Eve" wedding, and will be wearing this: 

If you're wondering why you can't see a top, it's because there isn't one. Adam and Eve had no use for nip covers in the garden, and neither do those masters of taste, Team Bachelor. This does not set well with Corrine,  who had previously been content with her bikini top and sarong beach ensemble, and becomes DISTRESSED at the idea that someone else may have fewer clothes on than she does. 

As the shoot goes on and the other girls applaud Brittany for being a good sport in what is obviously a cruel mind game, Corrine escalates the Crazy/Hot scale, and decides to take matters into her own hands! Or in this case, Nick's. During her photo shoot, Corrine decides that Nick needs to feel the more "Corrine side of Corrine" which means BOOBIES! And so, as we all do when we are feeling insecure about the man we just met, Corrine wastes no time removing her top, and practically commanding Nick to "Janet Jackson" her "bare bosoms." With all the talk about consent in the media, maybe they needed to give Corrine information that it works both ways. But, whatever, she's pretty pleased with herself. 

And win she does, because Franco is kind of a perv. We don't see any more of their extra special one-on-one time, but I'm sure it was full of meaningful conversation. By the time the evening cocktail party begins, Corrine is wasted. She is very confident though, because Nick held her boobs today. Like held her boobs! Naturally, this leaves the other girls in an awkward position. Does Nick like girls that are aggressive or not? "Is the way to snag him to pop out your t**s at any moment?" wonders Guns-and-Jesus Raven. "Is everything I've heard about him true?" No comment. 

We find out during Raven's alone time with Nick that she once had a boyfriend cheat on her, and that she seems to be only "attracted to a**holes. No offense." Nick walks away from this encounter feeling positive, and thinks Raven has an "attractive personality." Whatever, I guess. 

Next up for one-on-one time is Dolphin Shark Alexis, and she no sooner gets the words "Seacaucus, New Jersey" out of her mouth and Corrine is back for what is sure to be more special fun time with Nick! This unsurprisingly does not go over well with the other women, who begin shooting some major side-eye and hate her way. Corrine is unfazed at their displeasure though, "Get used to it!" she exclaims, when the others suggest that her behavior might be discourteous. 

Taylor be like..
It's Taylor's turn to sit down with Nick, and we find out, ironically, that she has a Master's Degree in Mental Health Counseling. Is this all a ruse for a study she is doing? Shouldn't she, of all people, understand why she should NOT be here? Anyway, it doesn't take long to begin her case study, because guess who is back for thirds? CORRINE! Because Nick has the spine of an amoeba, he again acquiesces to her request for more time, and Taylor returns to the "ladies," but only for a minute, because girl has had enough, and decides to turn the interrupting tables and interrupt Corrine! Meanwhile, I am on the edge of my seat. 

Corrine is OFFENDED by this development, and proceeds to dazzle us with this eloquent explanation for what happened. 

No worries though, y'all. Not even Taylor can ruin this evening for Corrine, because Nick has conferred with Nick Jr. and guess who is getting the date rose? 

I hope the producer who found Corrine gets a bonus. 

Anyway, while all of these shenanigans are going on, back at the homestead, Liz is being crushed under the weight of the "BIG SECRET," which, in case you don't remember, is that she has already seen (and more!) the goods on Nick nine months ago at Jade and Tanner's wedding, but did not give him her number afterwards when he asked for it. And because this is the Bachelor and not anywhere that sane behavior is encouraged, Liz runs through her options for who she can confide in. She finally chooses Chipette lookalike Christen, and begins to tell her story, and can I just say, I LOVED the way Christen nodded along, making her actually say, "we had intermittent sex and talk" out loud to the camera. With skills like that, Christen could have a job on Team Bachelor in no time! But the confessional seems to do nothing to ease Liz's discomfort, and she says that she "just doesn't know if she can do it anymore" if Nick does not approach her to discuss the awkwardness of their situation. Christen promises not to breathe a word of what Liz has told her to anyone, which I think we can all agree will last about six and a half seconds. 

Liz after the date card arrives.
Due to the pressing need to chat with Nick, Liz is living on a prayer that the first one-on-one will go to her, but alas, it's Danielle M (appropriately dressed nurse) who is bestowed this honor. And Liz is not okay with this you guys. 

Nick is really excited about this first one-on-one with Danielle, and so they are starting things off with a bang! It's helicopter time! Danielle and Nick land in Newport Beach. Later, Nick opens up about his previous experiences on the show, and uses a bunch of buzz words about vulnerability and how you just have to keep trying and blah blah, and Danielle LOVES it. She is moved to share her past, which was that five years ago, her fiance died from a drug overdose. Dang! Sort of makes your "I keep going back for more public humiliation on national television" sob story look a little pathetic, right Nick? But Nick loves it! He encourages her to keep sharing and hold on to her feelings for future relationships. And Danielle gets the rose! Aww. I really like her. She is way too good to be on this show! Go home and meet a nice normal, Danielle!

In the meantime, the date card for the next group date has arrived at the house, and it is addressed to


"We need to talk," declares the card. "Wow. We actually do need to talk! says Liz.

"That is NOT the arts."
This date is even more bizarre than the first, and takes place at the Museum of Broken Relationships, which is evidently a real place. One would think with how awkward both of these group dates are that Nick is a glutton for punishment -- he knows he gets a say in these group dates, right? As the girls walk through the wreckage of other people's romantic failures, they come upon a couple breaking up loudly and violently. Or so they think! This is just an elaborately staged demonstration of what the "ladies" will be doing today, which is pretending to break up with Nick! Cause that's not weird or anything. Meryl Streep would not approve of this exercise. It is not the arts. 

One by one, the "ladies" approach Nick and give "reasons" for ending their relationship. He drinks too much, he called them fat, etc. Josephine even slaps Nick right in the face. Wow. But it's Liz who "steals" the show, and decides that this is the moment to confront Nick about their sordid history. Her prose comes as a shock to Nick, who upgrades into panic mode, wondering how many people she has told about their hookup, and proceeds to investigate during the one-on-one time at the cocktail party. Just when he thinks he's in the clear, Christen comes clean about what she knows, and tells Nick that Liz has told her that they have had all the sex. Nick finally decides that it's time to confront Liz, and their conversation goes something like this

Nick: So, you're telling people we had sex. 
Liz: I mean, I didn't really know you.
Nick: Why are you here? If you wanted to get in touch with me, we have mutual friends.
Liz: Well, you went to paradise. 
Nick: I was only in Paradise for like a month. 
Liz: Well, I hate talking on the phone. Having cameras present is a much better way to get to know someone.
NIck: I don't think you're here for the right reasons.
Liz: ???
Nick: I think you need to go. Bye, Felicia. 

Seriously, that's it. We don't even get an exit interview from her. And with that, we can leave the Liz Saga behind us, and that's it for now, because we are at the two hour mark, and are hit with a "TO BE CONTINUED! right before Nick is about to tell the women that he and Liz slept together. Which, by the way, I'm sure will end up leading nowhere, because no one actually believes anyone is going to willingly go home over this reveal. 

So until next week, Rose Enthusiasts, I wish you brimming mimosas and adequate celebrations for your bosoms!   

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