Tuesday, January 5, 2016

"Am I Dreaming?"

Welcome back, Rose Enthusiasts! Has everyone recovered from the disaster that was Kaitlyn? I hope so, because after two seasons of slut-faces, we finally have a lead with some class!

Meet Ben! He's 26, from Indiana, and, according to ABC.com, once hiked the spiritual trails of Machu Pichu. Clearly, he's a solid investment. To begin Ben's journey, we see Ben walking lonely through a cornfield and discussing his fear of being unlovable, meet his adorable parents, and watch him be the grand marshal at his high school's homecoming (is this even a thing?). Really, Ben is almost too normal for this, except that we know no one normal goes on a reality TV show. 

After we get some advice from former Bachelors Sean, Jason, and Farmer Chris, Ben is ready to put himself out there! But who cares about all of that? Let's bring on the "ladies!" 

First out of the limo is Lauren B., who is lucky enough to get an intro package. Her happy place is the beach (but not somewhere that sells flattering swimwear), she is a flight attendant, and apparently has an entire gaggle of Stepford-esque friends whose faces are indistinguishable from her own. But at least they own giant wine glasses, amiright?? When she gets out of the limo, she brings Ben his own pair of wings, and hopes he's ready to "take off" on this journey. 

Caila jumps right into Ben's arms. "Thanks for catching me!" she quips, before asking to "catch up" inside. She reveals that she broke up with her boyfriend because of fate and stuff after she saw Ben on Kaitlyn's season, because that's normal.  Jennifer is a small business owner, and forgets to say her name. Jami makes a penis joke. So yeah. You know, you probably don't have to do EVERYTHING the producers tell you to do? Sam appears to possibly be drunk (or maybe her face just squishes like that?). Having just found out she passed the bar, she asks Ben if he prefers boxers or "legal briefs?" In her intro package, she reveals that her father had ALS and died when she was 13. Enough said. 

Jubilee, an army vet, gets out of the limo wearing something akin to Jennifer Lopez's infamous Grammy's dress and Ben wastes no time complimenting it (obviously because he's a nice guy and not because her boobies were going to fall out). Either way, she looks like she could kill me, so I'll stay out of her way. Lace (seriously?) walks right up to Ben and kisses him. Bold. Are we not even trying to hide the charade that most of these people have probably been strippers? Geez. That's a noun, not a name. 

Lauren R. spares not a moment before telling Ben how much she has stalked him over social media over the last several months. She's allegedly a math teacher, but unless all math teachers are moonlighting as aging porn stars, I believe none of it. Sushanna speaks to Ben in a foreign language, but they hug, so I guess it went well. Leah hiked up her dress and then hiked a football at Ben. After all, he's a "catch." 

This is of my nightmares. 
A unicorn mask pops out from behind the limo door revealing Jojo, who says that she does exist! She acknowledges that this might have been "disturbing" (might have??)

Lauren H. caught a bouquet at a wedding last weekend and brought it for Ben, which isn't the worst idea. Laura introduces herself as "Red Velvet." Because, why not? 

Mandi is "28," into the organics, embraces the weird, and is wearing a giant rose hat which she offers to allow Ben to "pollinate later." Evidently, she left all of her shame at home, along with the back of her dress. 

Image result for and twins memeThe twins, Emily and Haley, are revealed and apparently, being "twins" is their occupation? Is that a job? Anyway, I don't know if they know they're there for a gimmick, but whatevs. Should be interesting.

Meagan brought a mini-horse, and, at 30, apparently didn't get the memo about lying about our ages. 

Breanne is a "nutritional therapist" and wastes some perfectly good baguette in her crusade against gluten. Seriously, biz? Not ok. 
Izzy comes in her pajamas because she has to see if Ben is "the onesie" for her. 
Rachel comes hoverboarding over. Good thing it didn't go up in flames. 

Jessica feels like the luckiest girl in the world. 

Tiara is making all single women look terrible. A "chicken enthusiast", she has her own chicken (Shelia!) that lives in her room with her, along with several framed pictures of her chickens around the house. At least she had time to stick a picture of Ben in there! But after all of that, NOT A SINGLE SHOT OF HER WITH A CHICKEN at actual Casa Bachelor! Outrage!

Yet ANOTHER Lauren (LB) steps out of the limo, and has absolutely no distinguishing features other than her weird, droopy face. Jackie is next, definitely NOT 23, and brings Ben a save-the-date.
  Last out of the limo is Olivia, a news anchor, bears a striking resemblance to Janice from Electric Mayhem. She tells Ben that she has a lot to say, but no word on whether or not she brought her own teleprompter.
Olivia's doppleganger

Of course, it wouldn't be night one of the Bachelor without people showing up from previous seasons! Rounding out our merry bunch are runner-up Becca (virgin, may or may not like people) and Amber (ambiguous castoff) both from Chris's season. Of course, the other girls declare the "unfairness" of all of it and blah blah. 

Lace attacks the bartender. 
Definitely an interesting bunch. While all of these "ladies" are meeting Ben, we are getting acquainted with who are going to be the hot messes of the evening. Red Velvet Laura wishes that an ugly chick would show up, while Lace is shaping up to be the drunken mess of the evening, walking around declaring that no one is competition. Meanwhile, adorable Ben calls his mommy and daddy to tell them that all the girls are there. Awww!

But enough of this nonsense! Let's get to the one-on-ones! Some highlights included weird Mandi stealing Ben right in the middle of his welcome speech ("My wife is in this room!") in order to check to see if he was flossing, and Jojo not knowing anything about the geography of Texas. But is drunk AF Lace who makes the biggest "impression," going up to Ben and trying to make out with him again. Ben dodges this gracefully, which Lace takes to mean "he soooooo wanted me."  

In what couldn't have been a coincidence, Harrison comes marching in soon after this with the First Impression Rose, which news anchor Olivia is more than happy to accept (has she seen the statistics for the recipients?). I mean, it takes a special person to quit their job for "love" I guess. After the First Impression Rose is given out, the girls start getting a little weepy, but before we can get too many quality sound bytes, clink-clink-clink! It's time for the rose ceremony! 

Getting roses tonight are: 

Lauren B. (Beach bunny)
LB (indistinguishable droopy face)
Amber (ambiguous Chris castoff)
Jami (black Mandy Moore)
Jennifer (forgot her name) 
Jubilee (J.Lo boobs)
Amanda (has kids, so of course)
Jojo (not a scholar)
Leah (dress hiker)
Rachel (hoverboarder)
Sam (dead parent)
Haley (Thing 1)
Emily (Thing 2)
Shushanna (maybe speaks English?)
Lauren H.
Becca (Virgin!)
Mandi (producers' choice award)
Lace (High Drunk)! 

And so with that, we get rid of a couple of Laurens, Meagan with the horse, Laura, Bird Flu, and Breanne the Gluten Police, and we toast to another season of journeying together! 

Or wait, no we do not! Lace pulls Ben away to talk to him and ask him why he didn't look at her at all during the Rose Ceremony (always a winning move), and you can see Ben instantly regret keeping her around, but we don't! Can't wait to see more of her crazy next week!

So what did you think, fellow Rose Enthusiasts? I know I can't wait until next week, and until then, will be trying to remove the images of Harrison and the mini horse from my brain. Kisses! 

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