Friday, May 29, 2015

A Little "Punch" Drunk

Well, 24 hours into this "journey" and there is already so much drama that I am half expecting a few of the Real Housewives to show up, throw a fake Botox party, and throw some wine into somebody's face. Of course, that may be Kupah's next move, but I am getting ahead of myself.

It's been an unspecified amount of time since night one, but Chris Harrison is here to visit Kaitlyn and wonder whether or not she's feeling insecure about the fact that some of the guys voted for Britt and not her, but she's pressing on, hoping to "make connections" with many more guys throughout this process. Way to keep your chin up, honey. After all, this was probably the only way you were going to be able to "find love." Oh wait...

Back at Casa Bachelorette, the guys are enjoying a morning mimosa, toasting to the new Bachelorette, while essentially being divided into two camps. Jonathan, Kupah, Daniel, and Tony are still a little apprehensive because they were/are? all about #TeamBritt, but are reluctant to go home because, hey, free alcohol. Everyone else is firmly in support of #TeamKaitlyn, and various guys muse about whether or not the divide will help or hinder their chances to progress. Kupah, who was firm in his vote for Britt, even goes so far as to toast to good luck for everyone, but "no more luck than me!" Classy.

Oh heavens. As if we didn't get enough of Britt's ugly cry face last week, we visit her in her hotel room as she calls her mom to tell her that all of the lingerie and disproportionately peplum-ed ball gowns she bought will not be of any use for the next six weeks, and she has definitely swung the pendulum the other way, fashion-wise, dressing in a camouflage hoodie, a massive amount of plastic beaded bracelets, and high tops, which can only mean one thing, and it's that she's meeting her seventh grade BFF at Claire's to buy lip gloss. Britt, you are a grown woman. Lose the bracelets and studded leggings and make us all look better.

Good news for Britt though, and it's that Brady, the "singer" and "songwriter" who eliminated himself mid-rose ceremony last week has decided to come all of this way to ask for her hand in dating. Well, isn't that sweet. And weird. Good luck to those two! I hope their "true love" lasts at least until Bachelor in Paradise.

*Knock knock knock!* Chris Harrison has arrived at Casa Bachelorette to update the guys on the schej for this week. There will be two group dates and one one-on-one happening, and not everyone will be going on a date this week.

"I didn't want to go on that stupid
date anyway!" - JJ
The first date card is for Daniel, Justin, Cor(e?)y, Jared, Tanner, Kupah, Ben H, and Ben Z and it says, "I see this ending with a ring!" JJ handles his sour grapes with the maturity of a toddler throwing his juice across the floor and says. "No problem, I don't see any competition on that date anyway!" Whatever you say, Caillou.

The guys are led to what appears to be an abandoned building, but what is actually filled with boxing accoutrements, because, after all, Kaitlyn is going to want a man who has "heart" and can "fight for her" and all of those things that you obviously cannot do unless you are completely ripped and are boxing your face off. Considering that a few of these guys are much more, um, developed than others, this could be super interesting. Kaitlyn introduces Laila Ali to the guys who announces that boxing is a lot like relationships, it takes work, and fitness and stuff (my words, I have no idea what she actually said), and leads the guys in various boxing exercises to size up their skills.

Kaitlyn, however, isn't super into the exercise or how much effort the guys are putting into the exercise (which may be a good thing, because one of them actually broke a window with a jump rope. I didn't even know that was a thing). She is more concerned about which guys actually talk to her,  which is pretty much everyone but Kupah, who is definitely in his own zone, and totally into the working out. Bad move, LL. Kaitlyn is not impressed.
Ben Z is huge. I mean HUGE.

After the training is over, Laila announces to the guys that this hasn't just been to see who has the most stamina, but that they will actually be getting into the ring and fighting each other! A collective nervous groan comes from everyone but Ben Z, who is all, "SUN'S OUT GUNS OUT!" and ready to go.

Basically, the match-ups all go as would be expected, with Ben Z and his 55+ lbs more of superior strength taking him right to the finals while the other guys try not to die. Unfortunately, Jared, aka Ethan Hawke on heroin, is the sacrificial lamb who must face him in the finals and this happens.

"Is it ok that I'm still attracted
to you even though you just
destroyed that skinny guy?"

Jared goes down to China Town, and ends up with a concussion. This is what happens when men compete! Lazy pupils and headaches. Despite these unfortunate circumstances, Kaitlyn still congratulates Ben the Brute on his victory and is going to enjoy the post-date party even though Jared can't be there.

We don't see a lot of Kaitlyn's conversations with the guys at the cocktail party, but we do get to see her have a conversation with Ben Z about his dead mom, and her receive a mysterious note from someone who turns out to be Jared, fresh from the hospital, who isn't recovered enough from his ordeal to attend the party, but is definitely recovered enough to give Kaitlyn a little tongue action, which she happily accepts. But, as Jared cannot receive the date rose when he is not actually ON the date anymore, the date rose is given to the default pity story, Ben Z! Way to go!

At Casa Bachelorette, the date card for the one-on-one date has arrived and it's for Clint! Not going to lie, this date was super weird. The producers are clearly running out of ideas for "unique" dates and since Kaitlyn isn't a farmer and it isn't going to be necessary to parade people around LA on tractors, they have decided to have Clint and Kaitlyn do an underwater photo shoot, which is apparently all the rage for engagement pics. Anyone else think this is sexy? Sounds horrifically uncomfortable and dangerous to me, but that's why I'm not the Bachelorette (so I tell myself). Anyway, after going through some romantic "touching" and "breathing" ("We are heating up our inner selves!" says photographer Gisele) exercises, our two lovebirds jump right in the water. The final product turned out something like this . . .

I suppose that's better than one would think, but I'll take regular engagement photos, thanks. Clint says that the worst case scenario on the rest of their date is that they have no chemistry, but I think things like, throwing up or, I dunno, maybe gonorrhea would probably be worse. Just saying. But, way to keep those standards high, Clint! After all, love is as perennial as the grass. Or something like that. Throughout the date, Kaitlyn likes what she sees, calling Clint a "hunk of a man" and giving him the date rose without much fanfare. See you next week, buddy!

The second group date card says "Stand Up to Me" and is addressed to JJ, Jonathan, Joshua, Chris, Ian, Kentucky Joe, and Tony (yesssss!). Because JJ is at Kanye-level cocky, he is so hoping that this is a stand-up comedy date, because he's "so wanted to try it" which obviously means he's terrible at it and the producers can't wait for us to make fun of him.

JJ's prediction turns out to be correct, and the guys are led to The Improv, where their comedy stylings will be mentored by AMY SCHUMER! Excuse me while I fangirl (*squeeeeeeeeee!). Ok. That's done. Kaitlyn says that she is excited for this date because she needs her husband to have a sense of humor. Ok. Does ANYONE ever say that they aren't attracted to humor? I know I have never met anyone who said, "And I'd like whoever I date to be as humorless as a dead baby joke, thanks." Ugh.

It's JJ and his weird underbite who get the most camera time during the date, mostly because Amy cannot begin to understand how this guy could possibly be as awful as he is, especially when he shares his "killer" pick up line. "Hi, I'm JJ, I'm divorced, have a kid, and I live with my parents" and it turns out to be true. Ok. That was funny in an episode of Seinfeld, but not so much in real life, man. He also shares with Amy that he is worried that he will be smarter than the audience, and because she's awesome, she assures him that "he's not. No really, not smarter."

Clips of the guys' sets are kept to a minimum. Ian makes fun of himself for looking like the old spice guy, another one makes jokes about how he's not funny, etc. But it's Tony who either did not understand the assignment or thought he was actually being funny, but the Healer waxes on for awhile about how "blessed" he is to be here and how he's just "grateful" for this opportunity. Either he understands on some meta level that this show is a joke, or he is actually the Mayor of Butterflytown and needs to return to his people immediately.

At the after party, Kaitlyn tells the guys how "impressed" she was before proceeding to get her mack on with JJ and Ian, Joshua declaring that he's a "love virgin" and Tony comparing her to a safe that one has to caress gently rather than ram a key into (or something metaphorical like that). It's JJ who gets the date rose ("GROAAAAAAN!" says all of us) at the end though, and surprisingly enough, his head doesn't explode with pride.

"Sorry not sorry, fools!"
Apparently it's not enough to have gotten the date rose, because at the cocktail party the next night, JJ abandons all pre-agreed upon protocol that the three guys who didn't get dates would then get to "go first" with Kaitlyn, and snatches her right from the beginning, telling her that "her husband just wouldn't wait to spend time with her." When returning to the house, JJ is unapologetic, saying that if he was the "most hated man in the house" then so be it! After all, he's "run one guy out of the house, hopefully two tonight." Villains gotta vil, amiright??

Ian can see that he's going to need to up his pity game to stay in this, so he takes Kaitlyn outside and tells her about his traumatic accident and inspiring recovery, which earns him some more lip time.

But it's Kupah who gets the gold star of shame at tonight's proceedings when he is chatting with Jonathan about whether or not he is there to fill a black guy quota (hint: yes. yes you are.) On the one hand, kudos for being aware of the obvious. On the other hand, probably could have handled it better.

Ahem. A short dialogue.

Kupah: Just wanted to check and see if you remembered I am here. I mean. I didn't get a rose, so...

Kaitlyn: I mean, remember when you didn't talk to me at all on the boxing date?

Kupah: Whaaaaaaat?

Kaitlyn: Yeah. Interesting, because I was going to call you out on that, so nice of you to bring it up.

Kupah: I don't know if you were fooled by the fact that I was completely in the zone during the boxing date, but I actually hated it.

Kaitlyn: Sure you did. *wink wink*

Kupah: It's a good thing that we are here right now, because, honestly, this is the most positive interaction we've had. I mean, the first time I talked to you, I wasn't even feeling it. Probably because I was into Britt. But whatever.

Kaitlyn: I mean, I liked our conversation. That's why I kept you around. It's not because you're black.

Kupah: I mean, when I saw you on last season, I thought you were a real person, like 100, so you know..

Kaitlyn: Are you implying that I am not a real person? Not ok. I don't know what kind of connection you're feeling, but I was feeling it pretty much until right now. So yeah.

Kupah: I didn't expect that. I mean, I want to be here. I'm committed. And you're hot. And your eyes are great. And your personality is dope. And I want to be here. I mean, we haven't even left Los Angeles yet.

Kaitlyn: Imma need to think about this.

So after this stellar interaction, Kupah proceeds to dig himself into a deeper hole by talking loudly about Kaitlyn to the other guys, saying that she "doesn't see him" or that he had to "figure this out right now" and Kaitlyn has had enough. In true feminist form, Kaitlyn marches out, announcing that Kupah does "not have a quiet voice" and that it is time for him to pack his bags and go. Kupah handles this with grace and maturity (*exaggerated wink*) and says that it's "pretty f***ed" that she's just letting him go when they both totally like movie quotes and she wears sweatpants and could build a relationship on that. He says "good luck" to her before walking out into the courtyard and shouting at the camera during his exit interview.

Enjoy this gem, courtesy Yahoo TV:

Kupah's Exit Breakdown

While all of this is happening, Kaitlyn suddenly becomes concerned for whoever is in Kupah's path, makes her way out the door and we are struck with the dreaded

How will we go on until next week? I know I can't wait to find out what happens! See you then, fellow Rose Enthusiasts!

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