Thursday, May 21, 2015

Three's a Crowd!

Kaitlyn                                                Britt
Well, well, well, Rose Enthusiasts! After many weeks of "speculation" and "suspense" we have our new Bachelorette! Did anyone actually think it was going to be Britt? Anyone? Anyone? 

But, even though there was really no contest on who was actually going to "win" the honor of being courted by 25 guys and subjected to abject humiliation on national television, we still had to sit through THREE HOURS of footage to get to our journey's beginning. 

Last season vs. this season
First observations when our two contestants get out of the limo is that WOW, they toned Britt's makeup down from when she was on Chris's season. I mean, geeeeeez. Who knew she could look normal underneath the war paint she had on last season (too soon?). Second, obviously, Kaitlyn signed up for this for the free veneers. Good call, girl. Get rid of that snaggle! Basically, the "before the men" package boils down to whether or not the men are going to choose "Quirky-slightly inappropriate-most likely-to-swig-beer-with-you-during-a football-game" or "My-emotional-baseline-is-somewhere-below-a-middle-school-girl-sorry-if-I-drown-you-in-my-tears." So, I suppose, it just comes down to preference. I don't understand how ANYONE who watched last season would want to choose Britt, but I suppose there has to be a colony of men living in the treetops somewhere. 

But, really, let's get to what we are really looking for this season, the men! Per custom, it's the usual crop of meatheads plus some men of ambiguous race that will be vying for the heart of one of our "heroines."

The ones who get special highlight reels include

Jonathan from Detroit, who is definitely #TeamBritt, has a child of ambiguous race named Sky and is looking for a "partner in life."  

Joe from Kentucky, who is filling our Chris Soules role this season. They pose him next to various farm accouterments to distract us from the fact that he is U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi. There really isn't much else to say. 

Josh, aka Fat Liam Hemsworth, who for a law student, the camera is focusing waaaaaay too much on his crotch. Oh wait. He's a stripper. Niiiiiice. Cut to a shot of him eating money out of a patron's mouth. Classy. 

Brady is a singer/songwriter, who has a "melody inside him" but true love has escaped his reach. Poor guy. Anyone else notice that we don't actually hear him singing at all except when a voiceover is playing? Interesting... 

Jared, who wins the "we had to have someone sort of strange looking" because Adam Driver is a thing now spot on this season's roster, looks like a heroin-addled Ethan Hawke. Get a haircut, and decide whether you are growing a beard or shaving, because right now, you look like a middle schooler who is proud of their one facial hair. We find out that Jared has an alter-ego...LOVE MAN, complete with his own logo. His heart is literally on his chest. Yikes. Moving on. 

"The further I drift away in my mind,
the closer I seem to get."
- Tony on Tony
Tony didn't realize that we weren't writing our real ages on here, admits to being 35 and is a "healer." We see him Namastaying all over the place, complete with inverted yoga moves and a sign that says "spiritual gangster." I don't know if Team Bachelorette coerced him into kissing his plants, but the fact that he was willing to do so doesn't say much about this guy's mental state. 

After this stellar roster of men is revealed, we return to Casa Bachelorette, where Britt and Kaitlyn are each waiting in the driveway for their suitors. The first limo seems to be heavily #TeamBritt, and includes Ben H, a software salesman, Jonathan from Detroit, who is channeling his inner Berry Gordy with a maroon jacket, Clint, an architectural engineer (are you one or the other or both?) with some serious hair issues, Ryan B., who called Britt a "Disney princess," Kupah (WTF kind of name is this??) who looks like LL Cool J in ten years, and Jared, complete with his Love Man shirt. 

As was to be expected, the second limo seems to be more #TeamKaitlyn, and includes Brady, Cory, Ian, JJ, who takes a note from Kaitlyn's intro to Chris last season and hands her a hockey puck (she's from Canada, eh) and announces that he would like to "puck her." Nice. Another Ryan steps out, who is a "junkyard specialist," a guy who plays tennis whose name I didn't catch, a dancing guy, and Josh the stripper, who seems to offend Kaitlyn by just being

The next limo includes Joe, who brought his own moonshine, Justin, who channeled his inner middle schooler by changing his voice with helium balloons, Tanner, who brought Britt some tissues (cause she cries a lot guys!), a hugger guy who looks like Ryan Gosling (whose name I found out later was Shawn), Corey, who evidently plays competitive beach volleyball, and our healer, Tony, who said the EXACT SAME THING to each girl as he came in. The look on Britt's face when she realized that he was recycling his words was priceless! 
"Just wanted to do something sweet"

Our last two men to arrive are another Shawn, who is an "amateur sex coach" (more on this later), and arrives in a hot tub car. Junkyard Ryan sees this and comes out to express his displeasure, mostly because he is "horned up," or what the rest of us would call "Sloppy Drunk Past the Point of No Return." Also arriving is Chris, a dentist, who commandeers a Cupcake Car up to the driveway. Creative. 

Now that we have met all of the guys, the real fun begins! Some highlights of the first conversations are a guy who has a kid named Aurelius (seriously? Who hates their kid that much??), one who brings a portrait of "the one person he knew would be on the show" (Chris Harrison riding a triceratops. No joke), and more of Ryan, who is getting more and more inebriated by the minute. In fact, Sex Guru Shawn decides to confront him about his throwing shade at the hot tub car, but all he gets in return is a "Why do you suck??" from his opponent. "Well played," said no one. Later, Ryan forcibly grabs Kaitlyn's behind and declares it "Ryan approved" before he gets a one-way ticket from the bouncer to the reject van. Even Casa Bachelorette has standards people! You have to ASK before you can take a handful of these things! 
"Britt is totally fine!"


Before long, it's time for the vote. As expected, it appears to be pretty split between Kaitlyn and Britt, but ultimately, the winner is.... KAITLYN! YAY! Chris Harrison takes Britt aside to tell her the bad news, and she, of course, starts crying, saying that she "didn't see that coming" and embarks on her next journey via the Reject Limo. When Harrison tells Kaitlyn, however, he insists that Britt "is good" "fine" "totally supportive" of her winning. Sure she is.

After it is revealed to the men that Kaitlyn is the #1 draft pick, everyone who was formerly #TeamBritt is quickly seeing their chances of free vacations slip away and are quickly making excuses for why they picked her and rapidly changing their mind about why they would be ok "settling" for Kaitlyn. Tony, however, is a little unsure, wondering if since he was "Standing in line at the other drinking fountain, maybe it's time to go dig his own well." Whatever that means. 

In the following hours, Kaitlyn proceeds to chat with the guys and makes out with Chris the dentist and Ryan Gosling look-alike Shawn (who also received the First Impression Rose). I'm not sure I have ever seen a double make out on night one! Wow, Kaitlyn. You are wasting no time! 

*clink clink clink*! Alas, all good things must come to an end, and it's time for the first Rose Ceremony. The suspense tonight comes down to whether or not the men who voted for Britt will get to stick around, and it seems as though a few of them do. Along with Shawn, the men we will be journeying with this season will be

Chris the Dentist
Ben H
Moonshine Joe
LL Kupah J
Daniel (no idea who that is)
Ryan B
[At this point, Brady interrupts the Rose Ceremony to tell Kaitlyn that his heart remains with Britt, and he is off to find her. Good luck, man.]
Corey St
Jonathan (token black guy)
Cory Sh
Ben Z
Justin (Angelina Jolie look alike)

Out in the cold are Sex Guru Shawn, a nameless dude of an ambiguous race, Bradley, and some other guy with facial hair. 

Well, that was a LONG night one, and I am glad to be back to our regularly scheduled format starting next week! Hope you'll be along for what looks like it'll be an entertaining ride! Hugs and kisses! 

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