Monday, March 3, 2014

Las Mujeres Digan Todos!

Good news and bad news, Rose Enthusiasts! The good news? Only one more week left of this suck-fest. The bad news? We still have to watch another week of this suck-fest.  Thankfully, tonight we will be catching up with the only people who have been sort of interesting this season, the women! Incidentally, if I were these “ladies” I would be pretty unhappy if I went through the entire casting process, got my hopes up, and then ended up with the sleaziest, most illiterate Bachelor since Jake Pavelka. But, I guess we’ll see how they really feel when the women tell all!

First, Sean and Catherine came out. Nice to see them! Nice that they are doing well! Nice to move on from this segment!

Time for the action! Tonight, we will be catching up with quite the cast of characters, including Boobs McGee, Kelly and pooch-friend Molly, nameless women of color, Kylie “I thought he called my name,” Lauren “Pug Face” H., and some of the other girls who stuck around longer like Kat, Chelsie, Renee, Sharleen, and our new heroine, Andi.

The general consensus from the women during the first segment is that although Juan Pablo is hot, a rockin’ body does not cover a multitude of douchiness. “Most of the conversations were surface level,” said Danielle. Renee defends Juan Pablo, telling Harrison that she had a “different experience” with JPabs, because they were able to talk about their kids. Alli isn’t having that though, and tells the audience that Renee complained about only talking about their kids in the house. Kelly also calls out a few of the women who are jumping on the “JPabs is a toolbag” train, saying that they didn’t react that way when they were in the house. Andi brings the segment full circle, saying that she just thinks JP was there to find a girlfriend, not a wife (Duhhhhhhhhhhh).

General consensus: the girls really don’t like Juan Pablo. I mean, except Renee, who clearly isn’t ready to jump on the train. She continues to defend JP, saying that she doesn’t think it’s a problem that JPabs chose not to kiss her for so long, and also saying that she wants her son, Ben, to “see love” and that she would be ok with him watching her kiss a stranger on television. Well, Renee, unless you want Ben to grow up to be Wilt Chaimberlain, I don’t think you want him witnessing the type of “love” Mike Fleiss is in the business of. Oceangate comes up, and it is revealed that Andi and Kelly (Clare’s roommates) didn’t even know about Clare sneaking off into the ocean! The girls are clearly not on board with JPab’s excuses regarding the ocean situation, with Sharleen calling his later regrets “buyer’s remorse" and Kelly quipping, "he didn't say Cameeela when he was in the ocean!" LOL. The girls don’t bad mouth Clare though, and say they wish they would have thought of sneaking off to be with him like that.

Time to interview Sharleen! I am definitely interested in what she has to say, because it’s pretty obvious to everyone that she stuck around only for the “action” she was getting. She doesn’t give any dirt we didn’t already know, but basically, she doesn’t regret leaving, she still thinks JPabs is a good kisser, and she doesn’t regret her necessity for a “cerebral” connection. In short, she was as boring as she was on the show. Next!
Renee is up next, and she also has nothing really bad to say about Juan Pablo. Come on, people! JPabs is so gross! Say so! The closest thing to trash-talking she does comes in her tone of voice in referring to the incident when JPabs declared he wasn’t kissing other girls and then made out with Clare 30 seconds later. Oh, and she may have a boyfriend? Or maybe she’s the Bachelorette? Either way, she’s in a “good situation.”

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for! Andi has been invited into the hot seat to tell us how she really feels. She says, “I think Juan Pablo thinks he was a really great Bachelor,” and follows it up with a smirk. She also says that the things that Juan Pablo said about her made her feel “cheap.” Along with the rest of us, Andi does NOT think that Juan Pablo understood what she was talking about, and even though she didn’t say that is as dense as a claw hammer, she may have implied it.

Whew! One more commercial break, and then, Juan Pablo gets his opportunity to “defend” his “choices.”

Juan Pablo enters, and he is unnecessarily optimistic about his chances. Maybe he hasn’t been listening to the “We hate Juan Pablo” chorus that has been taking place for the last 63 minutes, but he is confident that he can emerge from this experience with some friends after they are all “regular people” again. Yeah. Sure. Good luck. Harrison asks him whether or not he regrets any of his choices or things that he said, and in what is maybe a surprise to deaf/mutes, but not the rest of the world, he is not, declaring that he would rather be “unappreciated for his honesty” than not be honest at all. Excellent. I’ll make sure to use that one next time I am unnecessarily offensive. Juan Pablo then tries to decide whether or not he was there to kiss 27 women or merely help them take their nun vows, but I think we conclude that he was there to maybe kiss them all if he liked them?

Andi carries most of the conversation in the next segment, again telling everyone how just when you think Juan Pablo is the shallowest man in the world, he lets a little bit more out of the pool. Predictably, Juan Pablo says, “eeees ok. Fine” to the criticism. The last thing that gets brought up is the whole “gay is pervert” thing from the beginning of the season, and Victoria tells him to “stop using the ESL card as cop out.” You go, Victoria! When Harrison asks him to defend himself, he doesn’t say much that sounds great, but Sharleen, surprisingly, defends him.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that’s the women tell all for this year! See you next week for the finale that “we have never seen before!”

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