Wednesday, February 26, 2014

In which Andi realizes she's too good for this shiz. Juan Pablo is okay.

Well, Rose Enthusiasts, I have no idea how we managed to get through FOUR hours of garbage this week, but, persevere we did! 

I started writing a full recap last night, but I had taken two Vicodin prescribed to me by the very nice people at Urgent Care to combat yet another diverticulitis attack, and, frankly, what I wrote makes not one iota of sense. So, to avoid making everyone read through a bunch of incoherent babble, we'll proceed through these shenanigans much quicker than usual. 

Monday night was hometowns, and basically, things were pretty uneventful with the exception of two happenings. The first was that Andi's dad, Hy, was totally not having it when Juan Pabs asked him if he would be ok with his proposing to Andi at the end. Because Hy is actually a good parent, he replies, "If your daughter brought someone home who was seeing two other girls, would you give your permission?" Ooooh. BURN. Well said, Hy. Andi's family was also concerned - and rightfully so - about how long it took her to get a one-on-Juan (remember her troll friends, ready to welcome her??), knowing, as does anyone who has regularly watched this program that people who are left to the very end aren't necessarily on the radar. 

The second interesting conversation took place during Clare's hometown, and Clare's sister Laura was expressing her skepticism about the made-for-tv-showmance. She definitely made her lack of approval known, but Clare managed to find an ally in her mother, who admitted that she and Clare's father only knew each other for 3 weeks before getting engaged (OK - that's nice, but that's not necessarily a great life choice either). 

Other than that, the hometowns were pretty boring. I was surprised that Nikki's parents were so nice when she's so . . . not. And Renee's little boy was super adorable! But, even though Ben is so cute Renee wanted to "eat his face" or something like that when she saw him, Renee was the "lady" we said goodbye to at the end of the night. A moment of silence for the last semblance of normalcy, shall we? 

All of this brings us to last night, overnight dates! 

A question before we really get into the real "drama:" 

1) Did they use the same room for ALL of the overnight dates? I tried to find screen grabs of this, but couldn't find one. If they did, gross. If they didn't, then every single hotel room in St. Lucia looks exactly the same. 

First up for dates is Clare! She describes JPabs as "dreamy," the "man of her dreams," and other oneiric words. She and the producers attempt to drum up some drama, hailing back to the ocean incident in Vietnam, where Clare tells the camera over and over again that she cannot decide whether or not to "forgo her individual room" and stay overnight with JPabs in the Fantasy Suite. Come on, Clare! I think that your willingness to be mounted in a body of water kind of overrides your sudden modesty. We all know you're staying overnight with him. 

Before we can get to the nookie getting to know each other better and cuddling, we have to sit through the actual date. Immediately after boarding Team Bachelor's yacht, the two start making out, and we get a gratuitous up the butt shot of Clare (thanks, cameraman). This carries on for awhile, and then the two discuss the hometown date. Or rather, Clare speaks and JPabs nods along like a puppy. After the yacht ride, the two return for dinner, and JPabs says that this is the perfect time for him to "figure out how he feels about Clare". Oooooook, buddy. You either like her or you don't. Juan P says that the fantasy suite is an opportunity for them to get to know each other "a lot better...a LOT better" but that he doesn't want to make a mistake.

When the key comes for the fantasy suite, Clare makes a big show attempting to be "respectful" about Cameeela, and JPabs has apparently forgotten his previous convictions about this and starts using all sorts of fallacies to get her to come in the room with him. So obviously, Clare ends up saying yes, as we all knew she would. "I love can't wait to remove your dress," says JPabs on their way up to the room.

Andi is up next. The two stop at a seafood place and play the steel drums, drink some beer, eat some tacos, chat up some children, you know, regular date stuff. Naturally, all of them play soccer together on the beach (did no one teach these kids about stranger danger? Especially strangers with TV cameras?). It is, after all, important that they be able to just "enjoy Sunday festivals" together. Whatever that means.The two take a bit of a dunebuggy ride to yet ANOTHER waterfall, where they sit and discuss her less-than-successful hometown date. Or rather, her father's lack of approval of this process. Naturally, they get under the waterfall, because duh, and we hear some soundbytes from their confessionals to lead us into the next segment.  

Eventually, Andi agrees to spend the night in the fantasy suite with Juan Pablo, and the next morning, we see a clip of JPabs talking about how GREAT their time together was. "We talked for hours...HOURS!" he gushes. "Andi could be the one!" Andi, on the other hand, has made a "shocking" discovery about Juan Pablo. No, he didn't kill one of his parents, he didn't steal a puppy from a baby he's . . . self-centered! 

HOLD EVERYTHING! You mean, someone who willingly decided to publicly date 27 hos on a televised search for companionship is a bit of a narcissist? That cannot be! As much as I am glad that Andi finally saw the light (and totally told his behind off later in the episode), you just want to be like, um...duh.  Well, Sweet Cheeks, I wonder what life choice you could have made to avoid being in a situation where the guy you are dating will be 99% likely to turn out to be a total tool? Oh wait . . . Anyway, apparently, it went down that whenever Andi tried to talk to JPabs about anything important, he attempted to quiet her by either talking about himself or by turning to his go-to move, "besitos." Andi just cannot live like this anymore and cannot wait to GTFO of dodge. Push pause, for a second, sweetie, because there's no way they'll let you go without a heinously public breakup.  

Before Andi confronts JPabs on his ridiculousness, though, JPabs and Nikki go on a date. There is nothing really at stake here, except that Nikki can't decide whether or not to admit her "love" for Juan P at dinner, which, after much hemming and hawing, she does. They make out. Go in the fantasy suite. Lights are off. End scene. 

Chris Harrison finally shows up (anyone else notice Chris's complete absence from the show this season? Apparently, we aren't the only ones who dislike Juan Pablo). Juan Pablo discusses the fact that this decision is going to be so difficult, blah, blah, and then it's time for the video messages. Andi's ends with a cliffhanger, which says she has some things she wants to discuss with him immediately, and in person. 

Enter Andi! It's showtime, folks! When she sits down with Juan Pablo, she doesn't mince words. She says that she "got to feel things she's never felt before," was "giddy and excited," but that when she woke up after being in the fantasy suite that she "wasn't in love with him" and "wasn't going to be." Juan Pablo, of course, trots out his usual, "It's fine, it's ok," routine (which I mentioned in last week's blog as getting real old), and his cavalier attitude completely pushes Andi over the edge. "It shouldn't just be ok! It's not ok!" she says, and her voice starts to get correspondingly more shrill. She left behind "family, friends, a job, missed weddings, etc." to be here and to have him be so casual about letting her go is just not going to cut it at this point. She pushes the point a little bit harder, saying that his saying that "it's okay" all the time comes across as his not having feelings (and I agree . . . usually, if someone gets dumped this late in the game, the dump-ee is a little more upset. See also: Desiree and Brooks). Juan Pablo pulls the ESL card, blaming his use of "okay" all the time on English being his second language. Umm. Right. He then digs himself deeper into the hole by saying, "Am I going to die right now? No!" and tells her to take comfort in the fact that he has liked her since week two. Andi says that that means nothing to her, since he doesn't even know anything about her, and every time she tries to discuss something serious with him, all he says is "it's okay, it's okay," and that she is going to "die if she has to hear "it's okay" one more time!" 

Andi cannot believe how obtuse
Juan Pablo is. 
Then, Andi brings out the big guns, and asks Juan Pablo if he thought it was offensive that he brought up his overnight with Clare while they were in the fantasy suite. Juan Pablo's response? "You knew there were three overnights!" and "I am being honest!" and "I didn't know that would offend you I guess." Andi fires back with, "How else was I supposed to take that??" and confronts him about saying that she was there by "default" and says that that's not fine. Juan Pablo's excuse? He's being honest! (I'm pretty sure no one needs that much honesty, buddy.) Then, he tries to say that he didn't use the word default after all (enter Squealer, who comes to paint over the 7 Bachelor Commandments), but that he "doesn't have that word" in Spanish (except that "por defecto" works great here, and sounds almost the same, but whatever), and then tries to make it better by saying that he meant to say that she "barely" made it here. Wonderful. Good show. Andi ends her argument with "there's a difference between being honest and being an a__hole and being honest!" "If that's how you see it, okay!" says JPabs. 

Eventually, Juan Pablo decides that "arguing with a prosecutor" is pointless (because the fact that she's a prosecutor is the problem, not that you are a huge bucket of douche) and Andi gets in the reject(er) jeep, saying, "He just doesn't get it. He's probably saying "it's okay" right now.." Of course he doesn't get it, honey. Otherwise he wouldn't be The Bachelor. 

When the now-pointless Rose Ceremony happens, Juan Pablo asks Nikki and Clare to let him know whether or not they want to be here, but even if they don't, they still have to go through with next week contractually. So, by default (he he he) Nikki and Clare accept the roses and we move on toward the finale! 

Next week: The women tell all! SO EXCITED. See you then! 

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