Tuesday, February 18, 2014

In which Juan Pablo continues to say nothing.

¡Bienvenidos a Miami, Rose Enthusiasts! We have encircled the world and are now back in the good ‘ol USA for yet another week of JPabs’s foray into the world of skanko-Roman wrestling!

When Juan Pablo arrives in Miami, the first thing he does is surprise (like the camera crew didn't give it away) Cameeeela and take her swimming. Aww. How cute. Meanwhile, the “ladies” are deposited at the hotel and are greeted with boxes bearing the standard-issue uniform – brand spankin’ new bikinis! The producers must have been really offended by Andi’s one-piece last week (the first in Bachelor history, you think?), because we aren’t going to be seeing that sucker again!

Juan Pablo decides to deliver the first date card without the help of the accent table of doom (miss you, buddy!), and completely catches Sharleen off-guard when it is announced that they are going on the date right then. Because Sharleen has clearly never seen this program, she changes from her teeny shorts into a shapeless, wannabe shroud and ponders her lack of a “cerebral” connection to Juan Pablo, a nice way of saying that he’s a brainless git, but she likes the way his tongue feels in her mouth. Well, Sharleen, if you’re waiting for Juan Pablo to be tops in anything beginning with the Greek root “cere,” you might have better luck waiting for something that might actually happen – like proving the existence of the Loch Ness Monster.

What happens when Sharleen
attempts to remove her mouth from
Juan Pablo's. 
Anyway, the two take a walk down by the ocean, and find Team Bachelor waiting on a yacht! After taking a few selfies, sunning, and making out on a blanket, Juan Pablo and Sharleen arrive on a private island, where they make out some more! They attempt to have a conversation about whether or not Sharleen would give up her career as an opera singer, but all she says about this is “change is good. I like change.” Ok. Cool. Who needs to talk when we can make out in the water? And again on the boat. Sharleen tells the camera that she is “disturbed” by how much she enjoys kissing Juan Pablo, and that every time she attempts to have a conversation with him, they just end up making out instead, which leaves her to wonder what is “propelling this relationship forward” (besides the human sexual response cycle?). When their lips manage to unglue themselves (cue the sound of a plunger being drawn from a toilet), Sharleen tells Juan Pablo she wishes she were a little “dumber,” and that it would make things much simpler, which is perhaps the most honest thing anyone has ever said on this program. I’m not sure Juan Pablo realizes that’s because he’s “simple,” but this is neither here nor there. There are no roses on the one-on-one dates this week, so Sharleen is able to end the date “torn.”

KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK (“Is that the door?” says Andi. Oh, honey..) back at the hotel, and the date card has arrived for Nikki! Rather than being super-stoked, all Nikki has to say is, “Am I going to have to dance again?” Way to appreciate the experience, Nikki. Why don’t you complain some more?

A decent impression
of what JPab's baby mama
looked like during the meeting. 
Thankfully for Nikki (and the rest of us), the date does not involve Nikki dancing, but is a date to Cameeela’s dance recital! Before they can go to the recital, however, they must construct a flower arrangement! Nikki is flattered that Juan Pablo is taking her to meet his family (including Cameeela’s mom, who looks like the gold-digging stepmom from Jungle 2 Jungle), and I don’t necessarily blame her. The recital was very cute, Cameeela sang a solo, the family meeting was fine, and Nikki is totally attracted to JPabs. I would comment on the fact that introducing Cameeela to one of the women so soon shows absolutely no judgment, but this is The Bachelor. If people didn’t show poor judgment, the show wouldn’t exist.

After the recital, Nikki and JPabs have dinner in the Marlins Stadium, but not before stopping off on the field to play some catch (anyone else worried that Nikki was going to have some sort of wardrobe malfunction? What was that top stuck to?). Nikki manages to get more questions out on her date than Sharleen, and asks JPabs how Cameeela’s mom feels about all of this. JPabs insists that she’s totally fine with it (doubt it!), and that it’s important for Nikki to understand this in case the “moon and the skies” tell them that they must be together. Glad you’re using a technical process, JPabs. Nikki doesn’t seem to care about this though, and considers the date a “home run.” And here I was beginning to think we wouldn’t have any date-related metaphors, this week. Silly. 

No chance. No way. Sharleen
won't say it. 
I’m not sure when this actually happened, since during the conversation Sharleen says that her date with JPabs was the day before, and I doubt this happened right after Nikki’s date, but in what is a surprise to no one, Sharleen comes downstairs and announces to the girls that her hormones have calmed down long enough for her to think rationally, and therefore, she is outta there! She goes down to JPabs’s room to tell him in person, and says that she just doesn’t see herself being at a place where she can get engaged to someone in the next three weeks. Oh really? You mean this “process” isn’t one that develops lasting relationships? JPabs takes it in stride, and tells her that she didn’t waste his time, and blah blah. He even sheds a few tears in his confessional. Don’t worry, Juan Pablo! You have five other sets of lips to take her place! And so, we say goodbye to awkward Sharleen and her magic giraffe-tongue. Bon voyage back to Germany, or wherever.

After all of this, we still have a group date and a cat fight to enjoy! Going on the group date are the leftovers, Chelsie, Renee, Clare, and Andi. There is a rose on this date, and whoever receives it also receives a golden ticket to hometowns! JPabs and the “ladies” jet back to Team Bachelor’s private island, and it is revealed that whoever gets the rose will also get to go on a special “extended” date with JPabs later that night! Oooooh. Tension!

Chelsie’s one-on-Juan is first, and she brings out the big guns, showing JPabs a collection of letters from her mom and dad, which includes some sound advice (to keep her clothes on), and JPabs is into the fact that she has such a supportive family. Andi is next, and she is less confident than Chelsie. She immediately starts crying when they sit down on the beach, saying that she feels “super vulnerable” and that she doesn’t usually “show a ton of emotions,” but that it’s scary to put her family out there and not have any certainties. JPabs says he understands, but that “everything is going to be ok.” Alright – at what point can he stop telling these people that everything is going to be ok? Obviously, one of them is being sent home before hometowns, so everything is NOT going to be ok for someone. Get some new reassuring verbiage, JPabs.

Clare is up, and she and JPabs talk again about her dad, and she tells JPabs about the DVD (referenced on night one) he recorded for her future husband before he died. All I can say is that if we don’t see this DVD (even though it would be a Gob Bluth level mistake to show it), I am going to be pretty disappointed after all of this teasing!

We don’t get to see Renee’s one-on-Juan, so it must have been pretty boring. When it comes time for JPabs to hand out the date rose, it goes to . . . Andi! Guess all that crying worked! Clare is particularly upset about this, saying that she has just been getting naked with people in the ocean putting herself out there, and she has “literally been watching everyone else go on their dates.” She just doesn’t get it. She just wants to “wrap this s___ up and go home!” (You and me both, Clare).

It’s cat fight time! When the remaining girls return from the date, we get to hear part of Clare’s confessional, saying that while she got kicked off the date, the upside is that she “gets to hang out with Nikki!” (statement drips with sarcasm) Nikki can barely contain her joy when she hears about what went down on the date, and comments on how Chelsie and Renee are taking the situation in stride, but Clare is clearly unhappy. “I’m not checked out!” announces Clare. “But I’m not going to sit here and be fake!” Nikki storms upstairs, and Clare has decided that Nikki’s days as queen of the b---- castle are over! She follows Nikki upstairs, and the following conversation takes place.

N: I didn’t like that you were talking s--- [about Andi]
C: I wasn’t talking s---. Who was talking s---?
N: You interrupted.
C: Who was talking s---?
N: You interrupted.
C: Who was talking s---?
N: I just thought it was going that way, and I didn’t want to be a part of it.
C: But who was talking s---?

Really articulate, these two. This carries on for awhile, and finally, Nikki asks Clare to “please excuse yourself from her room.” When Clare points out that the suite belongs to all of the girls, Nikki comes back with, “Oh, is your stuff in here?” Clare then says, “This is NOT your room.” “Oh really?” questions Nikki. “Do you sleep in here?” “Well, did you pay for this room?” shouts Clare. They conclude that this is open space, because neither of them paid for it. Well, at least they worked that out. Nikki gets in the last word on the confessional, saying that “There have been times that I didn’t get a rose – very few – but I didn’t act like that!” She then proceeds with an excellent metaphor, comparing Clare to a dog who peed on Juan Pablo first, but, according to Nikki, might have claimed some territory that isn’t hers! Ooooooh! Burn!

Not much happens at the cocktail party, except to reinforce that Nikki is a raging biotch. Old news. At the rose ceremony, roses go to Clare, Nikki, and Renee, who move on to hometowns, which means that we say goodbye to Chelsie. Bummer. I kind of liked her.

Next week we have a two night extravaganza! I’m not sure if I can handle hometowns AND overnights in one week! Whew! It’s going to be intense! Until then, Rose Enthusiasts, I wish you clarity on which rooms in the house are indeed yours, either by the presence of your stuff, or whether or not you paid for it. Kisses!

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