Monday, February 10, 2014


Welcome to another week of Juan Pablo’s “adventura!” This week, we meet our merry harem in New Zealand, and all I have to say is, “Finally!” I watch this show 75% to make fun of it, and 25% to figure out where I would want to go on vacation if I had unlimited funds.

Waiting to welcome Andi if she
doesn't get the one-on-Juan
The girls arrive at the hotel, and for once, I am feeling their enthusiasm. It really does look superb. But, the time to enjoy their surroundings is short, because DUN-DUN-DUN! The date card arrives. As we know, Andi really, really, really, really, really wants that one-on-one date. Well, Andi, you are the only girl left who hasn’t had a one-on-one, so if you don’t get it this time, you’re basically a troll.

Thankfully, Andi won’t need to be attaching a jewel to her belly, because the date card has arrived, and her name is on it! “Let’s heat things up!” says the card.

Cassandra is getting more focus this week, which leads me to believe that her time with us is coming to a close, because unless she’s going to ask some more questions about complicated concepts like farms, I have no idea what she is still doing around. We get to sit through a long conversation between Cassandra and Renee AGAIN discussing their single parent situation. Cassandra feels insecure, not closed off from dating anymore, etc. Shut up, Cassandra. I have no time for your shenanigans.

Before Andi leaves on her date with JPabs, she tells the camera how she really is hoping to have a breakthrough in her relationship on this date. Whatever that means. Andi and JPabs arrive at a dock, where they hop aboard a boat, which can only mean one thing – JPabs got tired of talking on last week’s dates and has decided to cover all possible chat-time with a ridiculous amount of noise. We hear none of their conversation on the boat ride, but JP does tell the camera that Andi has got all of her body parts in the right place “got it goin’ on!” so that’s something.

“I have planned for her a very adventurous date today,” says JPabs. “She needs to know that she can trust me, so I talked to the locals, and they told me about this romantic place they call “the squeeze.” OK, first of all, who is writing his copy? NO ONE believes you could talk to a mailbox, Juan Pablo, much less a local New Zealander! Why is anyone even pretending anymore that the producers aren’t planning this stuff? Grrr.

Anyway, Andi and JPabs reach a certain point in their boat ride where the boat driver asks them to get out of the boat and swim. Juan Pablo begins having a seizure, rubbing his hands together and saying, “AYE YI YI YI YI!” (someone make a gif of this immediately!) The two get out of the boat, and Andi is particularly unhappy about the water temperature, since the date card said “feel the heat,” and she’s cold. Well, we can’t have everything, can we? They begin walking through “crevices basically” and Andi complains that she feels like they are in a “secluded jungle cave.” Well spotted! In fact you ARE in a secluded jungle cave! As they wind their way around the rocks, Andi is moved by how thoughtful JPabs is being, helping her over the rocks and such, which a-duh. Of course he is going to help you over the rocks! There’s no room for him to run away if he wanted to!

No coin slots, please. 
Eventually, they make it to the end, where the cold crevices turn into a hot spring! Naturally, there is a waterfall there, and the two waste no time shoving their tongues in each other’s mouths, which seems like it would be a bit of a drowning hazard. We also got a nice shot of JPab’s butt crack peeking out of the top of his bathing suit, which caused me to make this face while I was on the treadmill at the gym (thank goodness all of the machines face the same way).

Back at the zoo, the accent table of doom has been deposited in front of the door bearing the group date card. Going on the group date this week will be Sharleen, Chelsie, Renee, Kat, Nikki, and Cassandra, which means that ocean-fornicator Clare will be going on the second one-on-one! This is no accident. Clare is “scared” because of what happened in Vietnam, and maybe she should be. Who knows how the producers will play this one.

Later that night, JPabs and Andi hang out in front of a geyser, and she asks him where his head is. After JPabs looks at his shoulders as if expecting his head to be missing, he doesn’t answer the question, but assures Andi that he’s glad he is touching her body she’s here. Juan Pablo then opens his jacket, and voila! The rose! She accepts. They make out. Good date.

For the group date, the harem arrives in a big green field, where JPabs and the girls are having a picnic. After they eat and Chelsie steals JPabs away for some grass-blowing (yes, you read that correctly), the group is led to a giant hill, where it is revealed that they will be rolling around in giant hamster balls! Naturally, the balls are also filled with water, so everyone will need to strip down to their bathing suits. “Score!” says JPabs’s groin. Everyone seems to enjoy themselves, especially Nikki, who manages to roll down the hill and kiss JPAbs at the same time.

If you heard a crashing sound, it was me throwing things at the TV in outrage, because the cocktail party tonight is at HOBBITON! OMG. They are in Bilbo’s freaking house. Ugh. I bet these B-s can’t even appreciate where they are! Despite the fact that they are in the BEST LOCATION EVER TO EVER EXIST for a cocktail party, Cassandra (still showing a lot of her, zzzzz) is upset that she still hasn’t had a one-on-one with JPabs (a one-on-Juan, if you will). She’s hoping to get a rose because it’s her birthday, which means she’s clearly not going to get one.

As the one-on-Juans begin, Nikki tells Juan Pablo she’s falling for him. Sharleen continues her tour of awkwardness by stopping JPabs mid-kiss to have a discussion about her feelings, which Juan Pabs interrupts by kissing her again. He must really not have wanted to listen to her. Eventually, JP takes Cassandra aside and proceeds to tell her that while she is one of his “special ones” and is “gorgeous” and “funny” and “so nice” but that they are not in the same “chapter” and that he doesn’t want to string her along until the end. Ouch. And on her birthday, too. But, I told you she wasn’t getting the rose! Apparently no one got the date rose, because there was a lot of sighing and sad music and then a Ford commercial. So yeah.

The last one-on-Juan (really enjoying this. Going to keep using it) date this week is with Clare, where the two will be able to confront each other about what happened last week in Vietnam. I am totally on Team Clare here, even though Clare is pretty despicable, because it’s not like JPabs HAD to take her into the ocean. He didn’t HAVE to do whatever it was they did or didn’t do. So don’t blame Clare for your carelessness, JP!

Clare and JP will be going on a picnic, and Clare is anticipating an apology to come her way at some point during the date. Don’t hold thy breath, Clare. When the topic is broached, JPabs says that he is sorry that she was upset about what he said, but really, it was pretty lame for an apology. Clare asks JPabs to define some boundaries for her, and he says that he “never holds hands in front of Camila, never kiss a girl in front of Camila, never spend the night in front of Camila.” Clare then says, “Did we do anything inappropriate in that respect?” to which JPabs responds, “4 in the morning, kissing in the ocean. It didn’t feel right to me.” Never mind that you have practically mounted Clare both in the hot tub on the first date and in the pool not HOURS before ocean-gate. And you made out with Andi under the waterfall. And made out with Nikki in the hamster ball. And made out with Cassandra next to a boat in the water. Clearly, you have no aversion to water-macking. So, pick up the phone, JPabs, because I am CALLING BULLS---- on this! UGH. Sickening. Whatever. Clare gets the rose.

Cocktail party time! Things are pretty uneventful. It has come down to Kat and Chelsie, because Renee obviously has a connection with JP Cassandra has already gone home and apparently Sharleen did get the date rose (must have missed that?). Chelsie gets the Rose. Kat gets eliminated. Sorry Kat. I guess throwing your crotch around JPabs neck wasn't enough. And you had to run that 5K. Losses all around! Sharleen is particularly upset during the Rose Ceremony, because she's not feeling Juan Pabs (which she hasn't been the whole time), but not to turn down a free trip to Miami (next week's destination), she's going to selflessly stick it out another week to see if she really might possibly at some point maybe have a connection with JPabs. Or gets some Cuban food. Whichever comes first. 

See you next week, friends!  To end the recap, I leave you with some nature metaphors from tonight's episode:

“We are in the land of volcanoes, and emotions are bubbling.”

“This is new territory. It’s like “the squeeze.” I just never know what’s around that next corner.”

“We are having dinner in front of the geyser. I think dinner is going to blow her mind!”

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