Thursday, February 6, 2014

Everything goes to "Hell!"

Welcome to this week’s episode of The Bachelor, Rose Enthusiasts! Sorry for the delay in the recap, but this week has been a bit busy, and I am finally getting a chance to sit down and watch.

This week, JPabs and the “ladies” are in Vietnam, because why not go to all of the Asian countries? They are staying at some [insert product placement] resort, and are very enthused about it. Kat compares this experience to participating in Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego - - Juan Pablo goes, and they follow. Of course, the only thievery Juan Pablo is committing is the stealing of hearts, so…

The envelope of doom arrives to announce the first one-on-one date, and it goes to  . . . Renee! Aww. Renee is so excited her palms are hurting. She brings up again how she really wants to have her first kiss with Juan Pablo and I just feel sorry for her. I wonder if she knows exactly how many people he’s tounged it with since the beginning of the season?

Renee meets JPabs in the middle of a town (he said the name, but it was unintelligible, so I have no idea where they are exactly). After taking Renee around in a pedi-cab, JP takes her to their destination, which is to get custom-made Vietnamese garb (much like clothes, the two need to see if they are the right “fit” *retch*)! Now, I don’t know who is planning these dates, but so far, I have been really underwhelmed by where they are taking the girls this season. 5Ks, fish pedis, wandering around randomly? Bo-ring! You have a crazy budget! Customized Asian clothes is the best you could come up with? Thank goodness Renee is there instead of me, because Renee LOVES it (JPabs does too, because he gets to see the exact measurement of her bust).

Later that night, Renee shows up for dinner in the custom dress, which was ok, I guess, but nothing to write home about. The two bond over talking about their kids, but Renee’s kiss attempt is rebuffed when JPabs says he doesn’t want Renee’s son to see her kissing him on TV. Ouch. Despite this, Renee gets the date rose!

Back at the cattle pen, the group date card has arrived. Going on the group date this week are Kat, Cassandra, Danielle, Kelly, Sharleen, Alli, Clare, and Andi. Andi is particularly unhappy about this, because she wants a one-on-one “every day and twice on Sundays.” Funny, that's how I feel about bacon. But, to each her own, right? 

When the girls arrive for the date, Juan Pablo says that they are going to do “very traditional Vietnam things in Vietnam.” Thanks for the clarification, JPabs. A row of rafts is tied up at the pier, and a pair will be commandeering each. Of course, the necessity to be in pairs has been carefully orchestrated by Team Bachelor, and I must say, “Well done!” Who is going to get in the boat with JPabs? Because Clare doesn’t have any friends in the house, no one picks her as their partner, and she gets the coveted raft-time! “The first time in anyone’s life having no friends is an advantage!” says Kelly. As we saw last week, Clare is the only exception to JPab’s kissing moratorium, and the two start smooching when they “accidentally” get stuck and the other girls float cluelessly upstream. Oh wait, not so cluelessly. Andi has seen the “besitos” and is NOT having it, saying that they are basically watching “another one-on-one date happen in front of her eyes.” The other girls agree and share in the disgust.

After the float trip, JPabs and the “ladies” are wandering down the road, when JPabs follows his very carefully planned producer instructions randomly asks a dude on the road if they can eat lunch at his house. “I think they are going to show us some Vietnam things here,” says JPabs as they sit down at the table. (Really? Do you? Gah! Someone get him an acting coach!) It turns out they are at a Vietnamese farm, and the existence of a place where a group of people work together to grow food flummoxes Cassandra. “We should have these back in America!” she confides to the producers. Oh, Cassandra. It’s a good thing you’re pretty.

That night at the after-party, Clare is pulled aside first. No one is particularly happy about this since she already had a ton of time with JPabs during the morning. “Should we just take the rose down there and give it to her? Do you think they’ve made it to second base yet?” says Kelly. Juan Pablo and Clare, on the other hand, don’t care so much about what the girls think, and take a trip to JPab’s suite, where he just “wants to let her know he feels comfortable” with her. Oh, I think she knows, JPabs. I think she knows (unless stripping down immediately and feeling each other up in a private pool denotes discomfort with another human anyway). In what is a surprise to no one, Clare gets the date rose.

But wait! It’s not over! No doubt aided by the producers and an overabundance of spirited beverages, Clare sneaks away from the group and beelines it for Juan Pablo’s room, announcing that one of the things on her bucket list is to “swim in a warm ocean.” Weird, but whatever. When she approaches JPabs about participating in this with her, he is, of course, on board, and the two shimmy on down to the beach. Unlike Ben and Courtney a few seasons ago, these two manage to keep it clothed while frolicking in the water, but they “got a little wild” according to JPab’s confessional afterwards. Now, all this week there has been debate on the blogosphere about whether or not the two actually had sex in the ocean (they say they didn’t), but the edit certainly would have us believe it. All I have to say is this: If that ocean was indeed consummation station, I am impressed (and not by their appalling lack of scruples), because those waves were really big, so I imagine it wouldn’t have been easy. Realistically, I highly doubt they actually had intercourse, but do I think all of those hands were being kept above the safety line? No chance, no way. In any case, yeeeeeeeeeuck. Hope you brought some antibiotics, Clare.

So much has happened, and we still have to see Nikki’s one-on-one date. The sinister music starts immediately after Juan Pablo tells her that they will be spending the afternoon rappelling into a cave, appropriately named “Hell.” (Best metaphor ever?) Nikki, who is of course, afraid of heights, is none too pleased about this turn of events (I wouldn’t want to be taken on a date to somewhere called Hell either, Nikki, and the only time I have ever rappelled, I cried like a cat trying to escape a shower, so this date is 0 for 2). Ultimately Nikki decides to go through with the rappelling, stating that she has three options: living, dying, or pooping her pants. Yikes. We can only hope this is that exciting.  (Un)fortunately, Nikki’s pants remain unsoiled and she makes it down to the bottom. “Even though we’re in Hell, it feels like Heaven,” she says. After dinner, Nikki announces that she is ready to become a stepmom, and JPabs LOVES it. He is so glad that Nikki is opening up™ and Nikki gets the date rose! Commence face-sucking.

And we have finally made it to the cocktail party! Three women will be going home tonight, so tensions are high. Clare, of course, breaks the tension with a toast to “finding love and making love!” Gross, Clare. Andi gets pulled aside first for one-on-one time, followed by Cassandra, Sharleen, and Renee, and Juan Pablo can’t imagine sending any one of them home. Renee finally gets her kiss with JPabs during their one-on-one after she reassures him that her son wouldn’t mind in any way if she was seen macking on someone who isn’t his father on national television. Good for Renee, I guess.

The real drama comes when Clare and JPabs sit down for their chat time, and Juan Pablo tells her that their rendezvous in the ocean was “a little weird” for him since it wasn’t fair to the other girls. He suggests that they not take it that far again. However far that was anyway. He also says that he doesn’t want Camila to see what happened. Clare is NOT having this sudden change of heart and starts crying, saying that she feels “stupid and embarrassed.” Normally, I am not one to sympathize with people whining about slut-shaming (don’t want to be shamed for being a slut? Don’t be a slut!), but you almost feel bad for Clare getting the bad edit here. I’m sure JPabs was totally on board with whatever handsy activities went down beneath the waves, and it’s ridiculous that Clare should be the only one to blame for their lack of judgment. You wanted to "experience" Clare in the ocean, JPabs? Own it! Don’t pretend that you made a mistake after you already enjoyed it. Ughghugh. Men!

Anyway, Clare got a rose, so mistake or no mistake, she’s not going anywhere. When the rose ceremony happens, roses go to Cassandra, Kat, Sharleen, Chelsie, and Andi, who join Nikki, Renee, and Clare in the “safe” category. Which means that going home tonight are Kelly (noooooooooo!), Danielle (who?), and Alli.

Next week, JPabs and the harem are headed to New Zealand, people are making out under waterfalls, tension erupts, Sharleen might leave? Can’t wait! See you next week!

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