Welcome back, Rose Enthusiasts! It’s that time of year again, where we get to indulge every inherent tendency towards schadenfreude! That’s right, it’s time to obtain pleasure watching the misfortune of others on the humiliation-laced juggernaut otherwise known as THE BACHELORETTE!
This season, we are treated to a new heroine, Andi Dorfman, who showed us the true meaning of girl power when she kicked Juan Pablo’s self-absorbed behind to the curb after a fantasy suite date gone wrong during last season. She is a former assistant district attorney, and all around BA. Or at least that’s what her intro package would like us to think anyway. Since eliminating herself from the show, she has ditched her gross ombre highlights and is on the hunt for love. Or a bunch of free evening gowns. You know, whatever lasts longer.
1) Andi’s intro package was one of the tamest they have had on the show in years. No tragic death of a fiancé, no kid, no dead parents, no bitter rejection. Honestly, I’m surprised they picked her having so little to work with. They did try to make her job seem interesting by showing her “doing her own investigating” out in the streets of Atlanta, as if lawyers are really out there on their own in police jackets peering into the windows of whatever sketchball they are investigating. Come on!
2) Speaking of having little (brains) to work with, what was even more interesting was that there was not ONE mention of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, Juan Pablo ANYWHERE in the premiere. I mean, I know we all hated him and that he’s a huge douche canoe, but I was surprised they didn’t trot out his fratty mug at least one more time so that we could all publicly abuse him.
3) Was I the ONLY one who noticed that there were a plethora of feminine-ish guys to choose from? Between three long-hairs (one of which supposedly is called “Camps” by his friends…great name) and Patrick and Andrew declaring that they are “compatible” and “the same caliber” as one another (in a way that made my friend Lisa and me raise our eyebrows quizzically), who knows if this isn’t a backdoor pilot for the gay Bachelor, and we are all being duped by some handsome beards. By far the worst offering though, was Jason, who looks like Hilary Duff when she had her horse teeth. Cut your hair, Jason!
4) Because the premiere was a half hour shorter than usual, we weren’t treated to the “get to know you” packages for the guys like we usually are, and I missed them. What’s more, the limo entrances were surprisingly free of gimmicks, which also made the entrances more boring than usual (read: not as many opportunities for people to say dumb things), but I do have to give the “Should have kept your mouth shut and you might have stuck around” award to Emil, who told Andi that the easiest way to remember his name was that it was pronounced like “anal, but with an M.” Emil! Never say “anal” on a first date. Or any date. Or really, with women. You know, just avoid the use of “anal” always. I'll be around all season with free common-sense advice if you need more. Also, Craig (henceforth referred to as McDoucherson) pushing the limo to show off his strength and fake tan gets an honorable mention for cringe-worthy intro.
5) On the same front, I cannot believe Brett (hairstylist, 29), who not only has one of the worst hairstyles I’ve ever seen on a man (too long to be a ducktail and too short to be a rat tail) and STOLE A LAMP from the hotel to give Andi by the fountain, got a rose. It was like frickin Mary Poppins (only Julie Andrews’s wig did it better) getting out of that limo! I mean, seriously? Did Andi have any input on who got put through, or did the producers just make a list and she took it?
6) I fully supported Marquel's cookie tasting for obvious reasons. You can't get better than a cookie and a Seinfeld reference.
7) The only other real "drama" of the premiere was the sudden appearance of Chris Bukowski, who came in fourth on Emily's season, only to subsequently appear on Bachelor Pad and manage to make out with the entire house (and cause the elimination of my favorite, Michael Stagliano), who apparently stalked outside the house for a week hoping to show up when they were filming and get to talk to Andi. How desperate can you get, Chris?? I mean, you did make out with Blakely, so apparently, pretty desperate, but this is a low point even for you. Andi, however, isn't having any of that, and Chris is sent on his way, dejected. Maybe you'll find a homeless person to make out with? Or someone who doesn't own a tv?
At the rose ceremony, Nick V (recipient of the first impression rose), JJ (Bowtie with a clown mouth), Eric (RIP, buddy), Marquel, Craig (who maybe has a disorder...?), Tacos...I mean, Tasos, Josh M, Brian, Bradley the Opera Singer, Marcus, Andrew (looks like Pacey Witter!), Ron, Carl, Chris, Dylan (looks like a greasy lounge singer), Brett (Mary Poppins), Patrick, Cody (McDoucherson), and Nick S. are in. Leaving tonight are (and I actually had to go back and get their names, because these were my notes)
Anal Emil, Jason, Steven, Josh B, and Camps (whatever your real name is). Good luck, dudes.
Well, looks like we will have an excruciatingly enjoyable journey this summer! See you next week!