Make Mine Music (Stop!) - Bachelorette Week 3!

Greetings Rose Enthusiasts! I have returned from my excursion on the East Coast visiting the prodigal John and just in time for the two-night Bachelorette extravaganza! 

Rather than take the time to recap all of last week (which I subjected my family to while on vacation - sorry not sorry, guys), I'll just highlight a couple of thoughts. 

1) What in the actual heck is Bachelor Gives Back actually giving back to? For all of the talk that the stripping was for charity, I would love to actually know that they raised money (what looked like a good $20) for an actual charity and not something like, I dunno, STD screenings for the contestants or penis pumps for the elderly. Or really, was it not enough just to have them stripping? Did they have to attach a moral to it? I like my reality shows completely devoid of life-checking moments, thank you very much. 

2) As much as it pains me not to have recapped Craig's drunken soujourn into the pool, I think my grandpa summed it up nicely when he said, "Craig has shown his true colors. If [Andi] gives him a rose, she's an a--hole." Hear, hear, Grandpa. And she didn't pick him, so I guess, for now, Andi gets a pass (at least in the 80+ Italian men demographic). 


The first date this week goes to Nick V, who will be traveling to Santa Barbara to meet up with Andi. The two take a bike ride, and Andi says that this is to take some time from the "extravagant dates" and do something more normal. Because, you know, being followed by cameras, producers, and having all of your extravagant meals paid for is super normal. At the end of the bike ride, the two take a nice hike and have a conversation about how Nick is skeptical about the process (good idea, Nick), but luckily Andi finds this endearing. 

I thought Nick was pretty adorable during dinner, talking about how he wants to find someone to choose to love every day or whatever it was he was saying. Cute stuff, Nick. Obviously, he gets the rose. And commence making out on a clock tower. Fireworks not in the budget this week? No? Ok. 

Back at the barn, the cattle has been herded for the arrival of the group date card. Brian, Marquel, Cody, Tasos, Brett, Ron, Bradley, Josh, Eric, Andrew, Patrick, and Marcus will be going out today to meet up with Andi for what appears to be some sort of Karaoke challenge.

Bradley hopes that his opera singing will benefit him during the group date, but obviously he's never seen this show before, because real-life skills bear no weight here, Bradley! When the guys go inside, they are greeted by Boyz II Men, who are singing everyone's favorite butt-groping anthem, "I'll Make Love to You," which the guys will be performing before unsuspecting fans. Unfortunately for poor, poor, Boyz II Men, nobody in our merry group can sing, including our heroine, who "sucks" according to Wanya Morris, and this fan agrees. 

I'm not sure I can describe the Titanic-level wreckage that takes place when they go to perform, but I can tell you that my seventh (now eighth!) graders do better renditions of Disney songs than these guys sang one note of the song. It was so bad that they showed the song almost completely uncut presumably so we could mock it.  Because I can't quite find a metaphor extreme enough to describe it, I'll say that I'd rather hear someone say the words "moist," "spore," "panties," and "piddle" on repeat than watch it again. 

At the after-date party, we don't see too many of the one-on-one conversations, but two were interesting, one was the seemingly completely random "I heard you have a girlfriend . . . who's a stripper!" with Cody. Um, I assume this relates to something we weren't shown in a different episode, so producers, keep your narrative straight! The other was the conversation Andi had with Eric, last week's first date recipient, who told her that he expected her to treat him a little nicer than the other guys since they had "connected" on the first date, which I think is totally reasonable. Since she actually knows him, she should treat him more personally. But, what do I know, right? The group date rose, however, goes to Josh, who Andi wasted no time making out with. I can't say I blame her, Josh is hot. 

The second one-on-one this week will go to . . . JJ! In my notes from the premiere, I

referred to JJ as "bow tie with a clown mouth." I still agree, and apparently the producers do too, because this date, while completely ludicrous, does do one thing: cover JJ's weird face with age spots! That's right, Andi and JJ will be "growing old together." How sweet (retttttttch). Ugh, and now that I am listening to him talk, his voice is weird too. No wonder he got slotted for this date. Why would you cover up some actual hottie? 

After their transformations, Andi and JJ go off to the Santa Barbara boardwalk where they proceed to swallow some razor blades. Or at least, that's what their voices sounded like while they pretended to "talk old" while subsequently weirding out everyone around them. And it doesn't end! There's old people duck feeding, old people football, old people cartwheeling, old people piggybacking, old people scootering, weird old people kissing...yeesh. I sincerely hope that no one actually thinks that this is what "being old" means, because rather than being endearing, this version of old is really just making me shudder.

Back at the mansh, Ron (token black guy who is not Marquel) has gotten a serious phone call. After waving away the cameras in an attempt for privacy (haha, Ron!), we see him hang up the phone, curse, and bang his head against the wall. Next thing you know, Ron is packed and out of there because one of his friends back home has died. Aww. Good luck, Ron! 

"I'm not a serial killer."

"Gooood." says the face of
someone who has had a little too
much pinot grig.

Thank the heavens, the old people makeup is off for the dinner between Andi and JJ. Going into the dinner, JJ says that he is "surprisingly comfortable" around Andi, and admits to her that he is a "quirky" individual. Well, your face certainly is quirky, JJ. Andi says that his "uniqueness" drew her to him in the first place. Or at least, the producers knew they needed a strange dude to put on the prosthetic makeup date anyway. That's all I took away from the conversation because I was too distracted by JJ's crazy eyes and Andi's weird duck lips. Could they have been shot at a worse angle? Anyway, despite the fact that JJ is clearly in the friend zone and has no idea, he gets the rose. Good for you, buddy, crazy eyes and all. 

At the cocktail party, Andi comes out and talks about how her heart just "aches" for Ron with about as much emotion as one would use to discuss the paint color in their dining room. Sure you feel bad, honey. Touch your fake eyelash again, then we'll really believe you. Moving on! 

The first one-on-one we see is between Andi and Eric, where Eric thanks her for the first one-on-one date (again). Unfortunately, their conversation is interrupted by a delivery of flowers. Ooooh! Someone is surreptitiously barging in on Andi's time with the other guys and I LOVE it. The flowers are revealed to be from Nick, and Andi giggles like a schoolgirl when she reads the card, while telling the camera how "awful" she feels that it happened in front of Eric. Yeah, she feels awful, and Hillary and Bill are TOTALLY still together because they're in love. Anyway, Andi LOVES the flowers, and she wastes no time pulling Nick off to a corner and getting their mack on. How adorable. Skeptic Nick is totally into the process now! Anyone else think that he obviously hasn't seen the show before? 

JJ and Andrew. 

While all of this is going on, JJ and Josh have decided to confront Andrew about an incident last week while the guys were on the stripper date where he got a girl's phone number and then bragged about it to everyone in the car. GASP! Could it be that Andrew is not here for the Right Reasons ™?? Andrew, however, refuses to "man the f--- up" and engage in conversation. He is "not discussing it." Drama avoided! Oh wait, maybe not. Andrew comes back down the stairs and shares the story, says he wasn't bragging, but the other guys are calling shenanigans! He bragged to everyone about it! I love the western duel music they played in the background. Very nice. The gloves are off, folks! Love it. 

When the roses are finally handed out, they go to Marcus (made out with him at the cocktail party), Brian, Marquel, Tasos, Cody (seriously?), Patrick, Chris, Eric, Dylan, and Andrew, which means we say goodbye to Rattail Brett and opera singer Bradley. It's been real, dudes. Go be weird out in the world!

See you tonight for part II of this "extravaganza!" Can't wait!