Tuesday, June 17, 2014

French [Milque]toast - Bachelorette Recap!

Welcome back, Rose Enthusiasts! Not going to lie, I totally enjoyed last week's Hillary-induced break from this craziness. But, alas, not all reprieves can last forever, and we have roses to hand out and hearts to break! So let's get to it.

This week's stop on the tour is Marseille, France, which, according to Andi is, "the perfect place to fall in love." Um, I hate to break it to you, sweetheart, but a vacant lot could be the perfect place to fall in love as long as you have enough ABC-purchased booze and some candles.

"I want my skirt back"
- A California Raisin 
First up, we have a pre-date interview with our fearless host, Chris Harrison, who comes right out and asks Andi if she is falling in love with any of the guys. Andi's reply? "Staaaahp!" Like he was supposed to ask her about her visit to the Suave Professionals Salon? Please. On a similar note, anyone seen this work of brilliance? Also, what in the actual heck was up with Andi's skirt? Not a good look for anybody.

 It's the usual schedule this week, two one-on-one dates and a group date. Of course, the first one-on-one is going to Josh, who I am surprised hadn't gotten a date sooner. Maybe there wasn't one mind-numbing enough to put him on yet? The date card arrives and it is all in French, which I can only assume means that, roughly translated, it says, "Who cares? Let's make out!" since that's what all of the dates have been devolving into. 

After Andi retrieves Josh from the hotel, the two wander around, ordering sandwiches, speaking extremely poor French, and not putting more than an inch of space between them. Detach, people. This isn't a three-legged race. Eventually, the two end up on a boat (of course), make out almost immediately, and Andi tells the camera that she is "concerned" that their physical chemistry (which is "insane") is all there is. Dude, a troll could have physical chemistry with this guy. I mean, he almost looks like he descended from Mt. Olympus. However, Andi is not going to let this get in her way. She is going to find out if there is something there! Translation: Andi really wants to be attracted to more than "Josh the Beautiful Athlete" so if he says something more coherent than Paula Abdul on an average Tuesday, she'll let him slide on through. 

The "who can touch who more?" Olympics continue on the boat, while Andi probes Josh about his baseball past. Apparently he was maybe a big deal five years ago, but it has been that long since he played (a google search found no conclusive evidence that he has done anything but sit on his butt since then), because he wants a family or something. Or maybe you just weren't that good. Over dinner, Andi continues her investigation to find out if anything is under Josh's dura mater to match his perfect teeth. Josh is at least sensible enough to realize he had better step up his game in this area and addresses their lack of actual conversation thus far straightaway. Andi confesses to Josh that her previous relationships with athletes have not resulted in the most faithful of unions. Josh encourages Andi not to judge him (too late!) based on his "athlete lifestyle" (that he hasn't lived in five years) and even tells a story about how a girl he was with kissed someone else once. I wouldn't exactly call it a home run, but it's good enough for our prosecutor! Rose offered and accepted. Pretty boy stays. Commence concert by nameless hipster. 

We interrupt our regularly scheduled program to bring you the arrival of the group date card! Andrew is not going to be having it if his name is on the group date again, so of course, you know that means that he is obviously going to be on the group date. Joining Andrew on the group date will be Marcus, Dylan, Chris, Nick, Marquel, Cody, JJ, and Patrick. The card simply says " Andi." Hmm. Mystery! In the meantime, the guys discuss who they would like to see on the dreaded 2-on-1 date, and it is unanimously purported that Andrew should receive that [dis]honor. Not only did he maybe-maybe not get that phone number a few weeks back, but JJ tells Marquel and Brian that Andrew referred to Marquel and Ron as the "two blackies" at the first rose ceremony. Oh no, you DIH-IDNT! You can't just comment on how people are black, Andrew! "He could have said 'black guys'" confesses JJ, "but I wasn't that drunk." Ooooh. Scandal. Marquel is visibly emotional about this, and confesses that he wants to be more than just "the black guy." Too bad you aren't more than that to the producers. Do you think you would have been chosen if you weren't black? 

Not to allow actual issues to cloud this meaningless experience, a commercial break comes just in time and before you can say "Atticus Finch" it's time for the group date. The men walk up to Andi in a variety of surprisingly flamboyant outfits (poor Chris was totally misguided when he purchased those coral shorts), the worst of which is Andrew, who has apparently raided Tom Selleck's closet. Where are shorts of this douchey a magnitude even available?? 

Andi finally reveals the date activity, which is - MIMING! The guys receive some pretty lame lessons from an actual mime (which seems kind of ridiculous if they actually wanted them to do it correctly - words might be necessary), and waste no time taking their act to the streets. Unfortunately, the guys are about as good at miming as they were at singing. In other words, they were effing terrible. Marquel even makes a baby cry. No one, however is grumpier about this date than Nick, who visibly huffs around, refuses to participate, and spends the majority of the time with this look on his face. "This is just not natural," he complains, "and I am not going to pretend like it is going to be." Earth to Nick! What exactly is natural about this process? Oh wait. None of it? Ok. Good. Glad we settled that.

Eventually, Andi mimes that it's time to get their drink on, and the guys are whisked off to the after-party. JJ grabs Andi right away and takes her for a ride on the ferris wheel outside the building where the party is being held. "JJ didn't waste any time," grunts Marcus, who is sorry he didn't think of it first. While JJ and Andi are enjoying their ride, an awkward exchange breaks out among the guys when Chris suggests that "some guys" (Nick) may be acting like they deserve more than they do. "Do you think anyone here feels that way?" Nick asks Cody. "Um yeah. I get that sense from you," Cody retorts. Yikes! Cody thinks that Nick is walking around like he's the front runner, and when he confronts Nick about this, Nick flat-out says he thinks he's the front-runner. Geez, Nick. Humble, much? This, of course, goes over like a lead balloon with the rest of the guys, who chime in with a few disapproving grunts, but Nick tosses his head like he doesn't care. 

When Andi and JJ return, Andi can see that all is not well in the state of suitor-dom, and proceeds to probe all of the rest of the guys about what happened while she was gone. She finally hits pay dirt with Cody and Chris, who confess Nick's arrogance. This does not set well with Andi, who is concerned that the two "nicest guys in the house" are saying these things about Nick. At first, Nick expresses reluctance to give his side of the story to Andi, but she brings out the big guns, saying "If I was your wife, would you tell me?" Even for the Bachelorette, this is a low blow. What is he supposed to say to that? He slowly recounts a few incidents where he was being rude to the other guys, but plays it off like it was no big deal. To the camera, Andi wonders if she is being "manipulated" by Nick (hint: you are). To heap manipulation upon manipulation, Nick begins reading her a FREE VERSE POEM, which calls her his "future" and "purpose" and calls upon her "strength" and other such nonsense. Ick. "It got complicated with Nick tonight," Andi tells the producers. Translation? "I'm pretty sure Nick is playing me, but I like pretty words, so he stays for now." 

Because this group date can't get any longer, Marquel also chooses to confront Andrew about his "blackies" comment in front of the other guys. Andrew, of course, denies this vehemently, smugly tells Marquel that it is "complete bulls___" and whines to Andi later that he is being "attacked" and isn't sure if this competition is "right for him." No one, including Marquel, believes anything he is saying, but the conflict ends there for now, because Marquel takes the high road and doesn't aggressively pursue it any further. JJ gets the group date rose, and we move on. 

The last date of the night is with Brian, and it is obvious that it will be a cooking-themed date from the word "recipe" on the date card. The two begin wandering around and just happen to wander into a private movie theater where they will be watching the food-themed, Disney-produced movie The Hundred Foot Journey. Aww. After the movie, the two go shopping for their own ingredients to prepare their own dinner. Unfortunately, Brian's hatred of cooking comes out loud and clear during the preparation, and he kvetches around while they cook with the same attitude as a man who has invested $1,000,000 in 8-track tapes. "In the movie, cooking was so romantic," Andi bemoans, "but this is NOT romantic." I'm not sure if this is due to Brian's attitude, or to Andi's stunning conversation starters, such as asking Brian if he likes broccoli, or whether or not he is a "cheese man." Scintillating. Eventually, the two ditch their homemade frog legs (Seriously? He doesn't cook and they start with amphibian appendages? Was chicken too simple for these fools?) and retire to a restaurant where, despite Brian's sour attitude, Andi gives him the rose, because she acknowledges that he was "way out of his element." As I said to my friend Lisa while we were watching last night, that shiz doesn't go away! Prune the tree, Andi! But what do I know, right? 
"Maybe I used a little too much of that Suave
Professionals mousse?"

The next night, Andi sits down with Harrison and tells him that there is no need to have a cocktail party that night, because she knows who she is going to pick. That, or she realizes that her hair has everything in common with this picture of JT's fro c. 2000, and she is embarrassed. The guys are understandably annoyed by this, but, so it goes. Joining Brian, JJ, and Josh in the "winner's circle" this week are: Marcus, Dylan, Chris, Nick (yuck) and... CODY! WHAT. SERIOUSLY? Ken doll is still around???? I cannot believe she picked Cody over Marquel! Le sigh. Maybe they will make Marquel the first black Bachelor. A girl can dream, right? We will also be saying goodbye to Patrick (who I can tell you literally nothing about except that he has a butt chin), and Andrew, who seems to be relieved that this "vicious" process is over. Enjoy Bachelor in Paradise, buddy!

Wow. What a week! I can hardly wait for Andi and Cody's one-on-one next week. And when is the 2-on-1 going down?? Until then, Rose Enthusiasts, I'll be writing some poems. See you next week!

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