Tuesday, January 21, 2014

El Bachelor, week 3!


I don’t know about you fellow Rose Enthusiasts, but after last week, I am emotionally spent! But, not being one to turn down the “most awkward kiss in Bachelor history,” I press on!

Our dapper host, Chris Harrison, visits the “ladies” at the mansh, telling them that there will be three dates this week (duh!), two one-on-ones and a group date, and that roses will be available on all three (double duh!). Thanks, Harrison. The usual trash-mouthing occurs about who is or is not going to be on the dates, but that all ends when it is revealed that going on the first date this week is . . . Cassandra!

The date card reads “Love is a wild ride!” so naturally, the girls conclude that Juan Pablo and Cassandra are going on a safari (sure you are). We get a sound byte from Renee reminding us that she and Cassandra are both single parents, and that JP had better not waste their time (um, but he is).  There is also heavy foreshadowing (?) during JPab’s segment, making sure to remind the audience that he will be sending Cassandra home immediately if he’s not feeling it. I’m curious to see what exactly that means, since JP’s “screening process” so far has been whether or not the girls have an ample bosom and/or enough junk in the trunk to tap-tap-tap on. But whatever. Good luck, Cassandra!

Cassandra arrives in a parking lot, where a tricked out Hummer is parked. “Are we driving that??” shrieks Cassandra. Nope. JPab will be taking you around in a Toyota Corrolla. Of course you are driving that, dummy! The two arrive at a marina, where Juan Pablo proceeds to drive the car RIGHT INTO THE WATER, and Cassandra is LOVING it. But seriously, who is this guy? Latin Batman?

After tooling around in the water car for awhile, the two pull up to the Bachelor yacht, where Cassandra declares that she is ready to “jump in!” with JP, right before the two make the token plunge off the side of the boat into the water. How symbolic. (Side note: I wonder how it’s possible that with all of these boat jumps every season, not one of the people on this program has died of Carbon Monoxide poisoning?) There is some water frolicking, and, of course, the two manage to latch on to the side of the boat and make out. You know, the general screening process you want to check off to see if you are doing the right thing by keeping a mother away from her son. 

Despite this, when the twosome arrives at the dinner destination, JP tells the camera that he is going to “have to think about” whether or not Cassandra is getting the rose. So far, we have seen exactly none of their conversations, so it’s anyone’s guess where this is going. JPabs shows Cassandra how to make pasta, and then, in the name of “making her more comfortable” (suuuuuure) the two begin a slightly uncomfortable salsa dance, which includes some leg tangling and JPabs singing to himself. Yeesh.

After the dancing, Cassandra and JPabs have dinner poolside, where we are reminded for the umpteenth time that Cassandra hasn’t been on a date in three years (since she was 18!). Um, call me in another 8 years, Cassandra, and see how awful that is then. Anyway, it sounds like Cassandra seems to be into JP, but because we have to keep everyone guessing, JP is sounding a bit non-committal in his confessional, saying even though Cassandra is “beyoooootiful,“ he has “a lot of things in his mind.” After what is probably intended to be a fake break-up . . . Cassandra gets the rose! What a let down!

The next date card has arrived, and the ladies that will be “kicking it” on the group date are Kelly, Renee, Sharleen, Danielle, Alli, Lauren, Kristi, Andi, Boobs McGee and Nikki, which leaves Chelsie and Elise to fight over the one-on-one date.

The “ladies” show up at a soccer stadium, where they will be facing off for the right to be ogled and humiliated by doing something they are clearly not prepared for. But first, they must practice! Most of them are pretty terrible, which should make the forthcoming game much more interesting.  Not a whole lot happens during the game except that Sharleen got hit in the face a few (dozen) times. The Red Team basically dominates the Blue team, but since everyone gets to go to the after-party, who really cares?

Meanwhile, the four ladies left behind at the mansh await the arrival of the final date card for this week, which goes to . . . . Chelsie! Elise makes a face akin to someone who has just been bitten by a rabid raccoon, and in the true spirit of sportsmanship, declares Chelsie, “a baby” and announces that she’s not sure Juan Pablo is looking to find “another daughter.” The Maturity Train called, Elise, and your ticket has been misplaced.  

Back on the group date, the girls hypothesize about who is going to get the group date rose, but Nikki and Andi appear to be the front runners, since they are the only two that have had their conversations shown so far (Andi also locked lips with JP in the kitchen, so slight edge?).  In what I’m sure is no accidental move on the part of the producers, Sharleen and JPabs make their way to the middle of the soccer field for their one-on-one time, which is – not coincidentally – right in the eye-line of the “ladies!” Ooooooh! The ish is going to go down! Yup, right on schedule, Sharleen and JPabs start making out (I’ve seen giraffes use less tongue than Sharleen. Rein it in, girl), and the girls start freaking out, especially Andi, who is not impressed by JPab’s willingness to make out with her and then make out with someone else (has she seen the show??). Even though he swapped spit with Andi and Sharleen, the rose goes to …. Nikki!

Next up, JPabs and Chelsie head out on their date, for which the card read, “Do you trust me?” Oh no. Here we go again. Some sort of trust metaphor date. Yup, as predicted, JPabs and Chelsie will be bungee jumping! But before we get into the 20 minutes (!!!!!!!) of will-she-jump-or-not-thank-god-she-is-scared-of-heights footage, can I just say that I have never seen a Bachelor or Bachelorette try so hard NOT to talk to the people they are on dates with. The minute Chelsie gets in the car, JPabs cranks up the Spanish music, and they start car dancing all the way to the bridge.
The entire bridge date is basically just an opportunity for JPabs to hug up on Chelsie, trying to talk her into jumping off the bridge. I’m sorry but, saying things like, “it’s going to be ok, I’m here, etc.” are NOT GOING TO KEEP YOU BOTH FROM HAVING YOUR HEADS SPLATTERED OPEN, but this is neither here nor there. Chelsie eventually makes it off the bridge, they make out while they are upside down, and the two are whisked off for a concert by Billy Currington (fairly apropos, since 90% of his songs are about how great being drunk is). No surprise, Chelsie gets the rose. It would be a pretty douchey move to make her jump off the bridge and then send her packing. Plus, she has boobs, so, you know, there’s that.

The next morning, JPabs decides that it would be a great idea to surprise the “ladies” by sneak attacking them in the morning before they are up, so he can, no doubt, see which ones still look good without makeup. When everyone calms down, it is announced to everyone that instead of having the traditional cocktail party, they will be having a pool party instead! Gotta hand it to JPabs! I’m pretty sure his synapses are crossed (if they are firing at all), but he knows enough to make sure he gets to see everyone stripped down so he can make an informed decision about which ones to keep.

The girls decide to crap on Kat during the pool party because she’s “trying too hard.” I have to admit, making sure that your crotch is around JPabs neck for 20 minutes isn’t exactly subtle, Kat. Calm it down. Crotch-gate really upsets Sharleen, who begins weeping about “all of the cameras are everywhere.” (ummmm) To reassure her, JPabs makes out with her again, which I seriously do not get. Sharleen is like the most awkward person on the show. That giraffe tongue of hers must be magical. In turn, Clare, who went on a date last week, sees all of this necking, and corners JPabs and tells him that she’s “not jealous” but “wishes it was her” going on all the dates. Check the Webster’s, Clare, because I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what jealousy is.

In the end, it’s Christy (who?) and Boobs McGee who get the heave-ho. I’m sure the producers are pretty upset about not having to bust out the censor bar again, but that was probably too good to be true anyway.

Next week, JPabs and the “ladies” are off to South Korea, which should be pretty excellent, since JPabs can barely speak English (or at all, really), so seeing him in a foreign country should be pretty rich. See you next week, Rose Enthusiasts!

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