Wednesday, January 8, 2014

It's Juan-uary!

It's time for another new season of El Bachelor! This season, we will be jumping in to an "adventura" with Juan Pablo Galavis, who, even though he only appeared on roughly 16 minutes of Desiree's season of the Bachelorette, has apparently taken America by storm. Or so Chris Harrison says anyway.

We open the season premiere with a bit of J Pab's life in Miami, where he plays shirtless volleyball with hotties, cavorts with athletes, works on his fitness on beaches, takes solo walks in parks, waves to his minions, you know, regular stuff. We also get to see his daughter Cameeeela, who hopefully is young enough not to be permanently damaged by living with her dad in the Bachelor house.

Former Bachelor Sean also makes an appearance early in the episode, just happening to walk over a hill and right into the yard where JPabs and Camila are having some producer structured quality time. Sean's advice? Don't kiss the girls in front of the other girls. Thanks, Sean. We are then blessed (?) by some gratuitous footage of Juan Pablo showering before making his way to the mansion for the intros.

Chris Harrison is waiting for us at the mansh, and tells us again how much we all love Juan Pablo. So much, in fact, that they added TWO extra girls to the mix, bringing the quota of the emotionally damaged to 27!


Creepiest Creepster: Amy J, Massage Therapist. Not only was her intro tape one of the most disturbing I have ever seen on this program, she attempts to give Juan Pablo a massage in the driveway of the mansion, including oils, which she spread all over his tux. Way to go, weirdo.

Oldest Looking Young Person: Lauren, "Pug-Face" H, who meets this season's emotional damage quota all by herself. Not only does she look like she is 40 (she's 25), but she proceeds to weep all the way through the cocktail party about how "over" her last relationship she is while simultaneously dragging all of the other "ladies" into her emotional mess.

Most likely to make everyone in the house contract fungus: Self-proclaimed "free spirit" Lucy, who showed up in a dress made of a sheet and a pair of the sickest bare feet I've seen since the last time I wore any of the shoes I owned and wore without socks while attending NAU. And all God's hookworms said, "Amen."

Not Here to Make Friends Award: "Pretty girl" Valerie, who tells her pet goats that "ugly people need love too."

Way too good to be on this suck-fest: Lacy, who owns a nursing home. They showed her helping all of her patients and special-needs relatives, and it was truly a little inspiring, until I remembered what program I was watching. Then I just felt sad for her.

Don't let the producers manipulate you award: Clare, whose late father made a DVD for her future husband. Please Clare, please. Don't show this to JPabs. Please. For me. Clare also gets "strangest limo gag" by showing up pretending to be pregnant, demonstrating to Juan Pablo her eagerness to have children. Fatal attraction called...

Awkwardest Limo Convo: Cassandra, who says "Oooook. Nice to meet you" and then awkwardly stumbles into the house. If I were much thinner, this was pretty much exactly how my foray into being on the Bachelor would surely go. I feel for ya, Cassandra.

Best "Accidental" Cleavage Grope: Pediatric nurse Nikki, who brings a stethoscope so JPabs can "feel how her heart was beating." Conveniently, this also involved his having to put his hand smack in the middle of her deeeep V. Well played, Nikki. Well played.

Crazy Eyes Award: "Dog Lover" Kelly, who got out of the limo looking like a crack-enhanced Kathie Lee Gifford. She also brought her dog Molly with her, which was probably good, since Kelly appeared to get lost on her way into the door.

Best Almost-Rejection of the First Impression Rose: Sharleen, who, when Juan Pablo bestows the night's highest honor on her, takes a full sixty seconds to respond before saying, "Sure. Yeah. Sure," in a tone that made Ben Stein sound enthusiastic. Burrrrrn. Thankfully, Juan Pablo doesn't seem to pick up on this. "I know she's going to sleep well tonight," he declares. Oh, honey. It's a good thing you're pretty.

And finally, the best thing that ever happened in the history of ever during the rose ceremony since Jesse called the wrong name on night one many seasons ago: Kylie, who when Juan Pablo calls Kat's name, proceeds to march forward to get her rose. Because it's too good to miss, here's Yahoo's coverage of the glory.

Ouch. Sorry Kylie.

That's it for this week, Rose Lovers! I think this season is going to be a delicious wreck, don't you?

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