Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Juan-nam Style!

Welcome to Week 4 of our exhausting slog through Juan Pablo’s adventura!

We made it three weeks before it was time for the international portion of the show (is it me, or does it seem like this is starting sooner and sooner every season?), but before JPabs and his harem depart for South Korea, we must say goodbye to Cameeeela. I must say, even though her dad is a bit of a brainless git, she is a cute little kid. Juan Pablo tells the camera that it was nice being at a rent free mansion home with Camila, but he is ready to “focus on him.” Because being the Bachelor has always been such a selfless endeavor in the past. We also get to hear that JPabs can’t wait to “date somewhere else,” which I also don’t really understand. One producer-planned date is the same as another, right? As the saying goes, “all dates lead to the hot tub!”

The girls are a little prematurely excited when Chris Harrison tells them to get out their passports. At least wait until he says where you’re going before you start screaming! For all you know, you could be going to dig a well in Haiti. Oh wait . . . never mind. Distended bellies are so unromantic. Upon the reveal, Clare exclaims, “Korea! I don’t even have a kimono!” Ummm?

While high school lessons about cultural literacy are attempting to penetrate Clare’s idiocy, the accent table of doom has also arrived in Korea bearing the first date card! A group date is first this week, and going on the first group date are Chelsie, Cassandra, Elise, Danielle, Kat, and Nikki! Nikki is particularly unhappy about this, and refers to the other girls going on the date as “quite annoying,” complaining that she would rather not spend this time in a foreign country with them. Sounds like a personal problem, sweetheart.

Juan Pablo is taking the girls to a studio, where they are going to be dancing with some K-Pop group, 2NE1, who are apparently the Korean Spice Girls. When the “ladies” arrive in the room, they are so excited! About what, I have no idea, since I’m sure they have no idea who these people are. Everyone takes turns dancing in front of everyone, and then learn a 2NE1 dance, because all of the girls are going to dance behind 2NE1 at their concert tonight! Nikki continues to complain about pretty much everything, especially the performance aspect, and declares that the situation calls for her to “crap her pants.” I’d pay to see that, Nikki.

JPabs and the girls perform with 2NE1 at the mall, and I’m not sure the girls’ performance does much to improve any foreigner’s opinion of America. Kat is gyrating harder than Elvis, Nikki looks like she’d rather be dead, and JPabs just looks loveably clueless. In short, what people think Americans are actually like. So, well done, I guess.

At the after party, Nikki expresses her distaste for Kat and her attention-seeking ways during the performance, but the other girls (and rightfully so), express their dislike for Nikki’s constant whining. Unfortunately for them, Nikki brings out the big guns during her one-on-one by talking about Camila, and she gets the date rose! “Ugh. Yuck!” says Chelsie.

The only one-on-one this week went to a cardboard box Sharleen. I am super curious as to how this ends up, since Juan Pablo seems to be much more attracted to Sharleen than she to him. The other girls apparently feel the same, since they express that they really don’t understand the chemistry between the two of them (I’m not sure Sharleen understands it either, since she talks about Juan Pablo the same way one would discuss a bunion – with detached annoyance). However, JPabs tells the camera Sharleen is his “favorite” so far. Maybe he’s some sort of secret masochist?

Anyway, the two wander around Seoul for awhile, and JPabs finally gets Sharleen to sing opera for him in a tea garden. She acts like she doesn’t want to, but I call shenanigans on this! You’re telling me she didn’t think anything about people seeing her sing opera on television? Please. Things start to get real though, when Sharleen is asked whether or not she wants children. After completely avoiding the question for awhile (read: not saying a word), she admits that she hasn’t really thought about having kids because she’s been so focused on her career. But obviously, now she’s completely open to more screen time having as many children as JPabs wants and she really wants to have children. Did I mention that she really wants them? She also confesses that she’s unhappy that she wouldn’t be “sharing the first” with JP, but he likes her honesty, and Sharleen gets the rose!

The second group date is with the remaining girls, Renee, Andi, Clare, Lauren, Alli and Kelly, who are about to get “Krazy in Korea!” (why kan’t they just spell things korrectly?). Basically, this entails walking around doing an array of very strange things, the oddest of which is getting fish pedicures (live fish eating your dead skin. Appetizing.)

There was also a particularly eye-roll worthy moment when Clare announces to Juan Pablo that she never wants to try octopus, and then he marches the group right over to … some octopus on a toothpick! The other members of the merry harem eat their octopus, but Clare makes a huge fuss, whining and being “cute” about how she doesn’t want to eat it before choking it down. “I know she’s swallowed bigger things than that,” quips Kelly (please do Bachelor Pad, Kelly. Please).

Later on, JPabs is doing his one-on-ones, and Renee has decided that it’s time for some kissing. “He just smells so good!” she says. But, not so fast, Mami! Juan Pablo has concluded that now is the time to grow a moral compass and not kiss so many girls (he’s already kissed six). To set a good example for Camila of course. Lauren doesn’t get the memo, and immediately flings herself into JP’s arms and tries to kiss him right off. The rejection that ensues was awkward. Ouch, Lauren. She knows it’s bad news too, because she is aware that JPab’s tongue has been down quite a few throats so far and starts crying. This causes JP to feel “horrible” and he comes and comforts her.

Kelly continues to be awesome when discussing Clare’s possessiveness over JPabs earlier in the date. “Is [being possessive] a bad thing?” “Not if you’re a dog,” deadpans Kelly. Andi and Kelly do a hilarious impersonation of JPabs feeding Clare the octopus (complete with accent) that sort of makes me want to be friends with them. It was amazing. I also appreciated the editing of this portion, because they spliced the impersonation of Clare with actual Clare telling JPabs about how she actually “threw up in her mouth” (don’t worry, she swallowed it back down) when she ate the octopus. Yes, it was as awkward as it sounds. I actually couldn’t tell if he was genuinely interested in what she was saying, or if he learned that Americans like big facial expressions, so he was reacting sort of over-the-top. JPab’s new no-kiss policy apparently doesn’t apply to Clare, because his reaction to her previously-imposed no kiss policy was priceless. It sort of reminded me of some teenage kid whose girlfriend won’t give it up, including the pouting. The conversation went something like this:

JP: Why you say no more kissing?
Clare: Because I really liked kissing you.
JP: Me too! So?
Clare: So, since we know that’s there, we should just talk.
JP: Fine. Whatever. Great. I love no kissing. *pouty mouth*

And then they start making out. Well done, JPabs. Even though he thought Clare’s vomit-mouth was too sexy to resist, Andi gets the date rose!

It’s finally time for the cocktail party, and JPabs has picked up on the tension among the girls. Nikki, Sharleen, and Andi are safe and have decided that they should be respectful and not interrupt the one-on-one time of the other rose-less “ladies.” This lasts about ten minutes before Nikki decides that courtesy is overrated and slinks herself right over to where Clare and JPabs are chatting. During the course of Nikki and JPab’s conversation, he reveals that he heard there may be some drama in the house, and Nikki is NOT having that. Nikki thinks that Clare is obviously behind it. Clare says she would never “waste her time” with him like that. She tells Nikki that she is “one way with him and one way with the girls” and that her behavior in the house doesn’t warrant “like, a rose.” Unfortunately for Clare, Juan Pablo is handing out the roses, not her, so Nikki is safe for now. I can only hope these two start ripping each other’s hair extensions out next week.

When the roses are handed out, they go to Renee, Chelsie, Alli, Kelly, Cassandra, Danielle, Clare and Kat, which means that Elise and Lauren are sent packing.

See you next week in Vietnam! Maybe Danielle will finally get a sentence out next week?

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