Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Vampire Hunting


Welcome to your regularly scheduled feature, LIFE ON THE SINGLE SIDE



About a year ago at Waldenbooks, I lost the will to live. Ok, maybe not really, but I am certain that if anyone gave a crap about literature anymore, what I witnessed would never have taken place. While I was wandering the Young Adult section, I came across this little beauty...

Yes, indeed, that is a copy of Emily Bronte's classic, Wuthering Heights, with a new, trendy Twilight-esque cover, and a marker declaring it "Edward and Bella's Favorite Book".

I almost threw up. CAN WE NOT READ CLASSIC LITERATURE ANYMORE WITHOUT HAVING TO TIE IT TO MODERN DAY DRIVEL!?!?!?!

Rant over. The point is, I am growing increasingly tired of hearing everything compared and tied to Twilight. Even Edward is driving a frickin Volvo on television now. It is just NOT ok. The worst part about this particular trend, is that I keep hearing my friends say, "Oh, if only I could find a man like Edward..." Well, ladies, I am here to tell you that YOU CAN. Simply follow my easy steps, and it shall be no problem.

JULIE CUNNINGHAM'S GUIDE TO FINDING AN EDWARD CULLEN

1) Look for a creeper. Edward, with all of his supposed strengths as a boyfriend, is, at his core, a huge creeper. From reading people's thoughts to sneaking into Bella's room at night, the guy could use a hobby. Or perhaps a telephoto lens. Either way, what I fail to realize is how people cannot notice that in fact, there are plenty of creepy stalker guys out there, ripe for the picking! For example,

No Edward, no problem.

2) Find a man who is compulsively constipated. Now, you ask, Julie, what does this have to do with Edward? Well, according to Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke, apparently constipation is the key. Our hero Edward walks around the Twilight movie with one look on his face,
Frankly, I don't see much difference between that face and ...
3) Stock up on some pessimism and angst. Again, what is the difference, between this

and this?



4) Look for someone feminine. Let's be honest here, Edward is not handsome, Edward is pretty. Men should not be pretty. Rugged, yes. Masculine, yes. Pretty? No.

I mean look at this...

and this...

I don't think I need to go on.

In any case, I think we can all agree that Edward is not as unattainable as once believed. Happy hunting!

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